Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 65

But women are visual too – right?

Dear Shaunti,

I am irritated by all these generalizations that women should watch how they dress “because men are visual.”  Well women are visual, too.  There’s a hot guy at my office who works out by running the complex in gym shorts and no shirt during lunchtime, and I sure want to stand and watch.  Or I catch myself daydreaming about him.  And yet when that happens, I force myself to stop.  But why is he out there in no shirt, anyway?   I am single, 23 years old, in good shape, and careful to dress professionally.  So I resent my boss telling the women in our office that we need to be conservative in what we wear because our male clients might be distracted.  Women are visual and get distracted too!  Why should men get a free pass, and all the responsibility be laid on women?

 –       Visual and Vexed

 

Dear Visual and Vexed –

What responsibility there is on this issue should be equally shared, and men should never get a free pass.  Period.

And yes, women are visual, too.  But here’s what we women don’t understand, and need to: we are not visual in the same way as men.  There is a magnitude of difference.

When a woman tells a man, “but I am visual too” it is like a weekend hiker going up to someone who has summited Everest, K2, and the Eiger and telling them, “I am a hiker, too.”   Technically correct, but so far off the mark that the Everest veteran can only politely smile and nod and think “this person has no idea,” while he hides the scars from his nearly-fatal fall into a glacier crevasse, and thinks about his buddy who never made it off K2.

Yes, women are visual in that we thoroughly enjoy the sight of an attractive man.  And yes because Hot Guy At The Office is tempting the women staff members to stare and daydream, too, he should have the self-awareness to put on a T-shirt for pete’s sake.

But that is where the similarities end.

When you see Hot Guy running in his little gym shorts, here’s what probably happens in your brain.  The cortical, thinking centers at the front of your brain light up like a Christmas tree and you think something like “Woah, he’s hot.”  You enjoy looking at him – I mean, how could you not?  But it also sounds like you try to be honorable and avoid letting yourself leer at him.  You look away.  And if you catch yourself daydreaming about what it would be like to hook up with him, you pull that thought down and try to go about your day.  Most of this process takes place in the front of your brain, the thinking-related centers.

Now let’s imagine that Hot Girl is also out running in a pair of little gym shorts and a sports bra.  Here’s what happens in the brain of Office Guy who sees her as she runs by.  His thinking centers don’t immediately light up.  Instead, a different center deep in his brain is activated: an area that sends involuntary biological responses to pleasurable signals.  This is the same area that lights up when you’ve skipped lunch and are absolutely famished and you suddenly see your favorite food across the room; before there is any thought or action involved, you are instantly overwhelmed by a very primal, gut-level “I want that” sort of feeling.  There’s a biological desire to consume that food.

When Office Guy watches Hot Girl running by, the same center in his brain is activated.  There’s a biological desire to consume that image.  Not a desire for the woman, exactly, but the image.   There is zero thought involved; that first millisecond of stimulation is completely involuntary.  And also in that first millisecond of stimulation, his brain wants to view it very sexually – for example, to fantasize about what she would look like without the spandex.  In this first millisecond, all that temptation arises from the deep pleasure centers of the brain.

But in the next millisecond, his cortical, thinking centers kick in.  This is where choice takes place.  So if he wants to honor his wife – and that other woman! – in his thought life, he makes the same choice you do.  He looks away.  He forces himself to think about the spreadsheet on his desk.  And very shortly, the encounter is out of his brain and he goes about his day.

Do you see the difference?  We as women have literally never experienced that back-of-the-brain, biological-pleasure temptation that men face every day.  So we don’t understand that it even exists for them.

Now take it the next step.  Imagine that Hot Girl is not running by in spandex shorts but dressed in a suit with a skirt that shows off her backside or a top that shows cleavage.    Now imagine that she’s making a presentation at a whiteboard to a team of people that includes men.   How much are those men hearing of what she’s saying?

Answer: not enough.  Because every time she turns around, that center in their brain is activated and they are desperately thinking look at her face, look at her face, look at her face.  Unlike the woman who was jogging by, they can’t just turn away or think about the spreadsheet for a moment until she jogs out of sight.

Do you understand now what the supervisor in your office was trying to explain to your female colleagues, using the wholly inadequate words, “men are visual”?   This is awkward, but it is real.  And it cannot be ignored.  It is one of the reasons Craig Gross and I wrote Through A Man’s Eyes: to help us women “get” the profound difference and understand the implications and what to do about it.

Yes, men absolutely must exercise the discipline not to look, not to stare, not to let their mind run on a sexual track.   And yes, someone needs to throw Hot Guy a shirt.  But women have a choice to make too: we have to decide whether we are going to help out those men who are trying, as best they can, to be honorable in their thoughts today.

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths – including helping women understand men – at your event, church service or network? .

Launching my new book, Through A Man’s Eyes, with an open letter to leaders

July 21, 2015

A Special Letter from Shaunti Feldhahn to Leaders Who Work in the Marriage and Family Arena

Dear Leaders,

Today I am beyond thrilled to release a book for women called Through A Man’s Eyes, that I hope will help you every day in your work with marriages and families. If you are a counselor, coach, pastor, or other leader, I’m certain you have seen the damage done by pornography and other visual temptations today.

How can a book for women help you as you help others?

Here’s how.  Have you ever sat across from a struggling couple and wished the wife could truly understand why her husband would even struggle with this, how differently his brain is wired, how difficult this culture is for him, and the shame he (presumably) feels?  Have you wished that she could have empathy for him …yet without endorsing any poor choices?  Have you ever seen how many problems could be prevented if a man could be open and transparent with his wife about his challenges…but seen him reluctant to talk about it because “she would freak out?”

Imagine the difference it would make to you – and those you serve – if every woman truly understood a man’s visual nature, the implications, and how to address every aspect of this issue.  Imagine the difference if would make if a husband knew his wife was safe to talk to about it.   And also… imagine what would happen if every mom knew how to protect and help her son in this sexualized culture!

My hope is that this book, based on extensive research, will result in exactly those much-needed outcomes.  Because right now, all too many women are completely in the dark about this important issue, or completely misunderstand it.

I have teamed up with Craig Gross, founder of xxxchurch.com, to write Through a Man’s Eyes.   In many ways, we wrote it with you in mind.  We want you to have a tool that you can hand to any woman, whether her husband is dealing with pornography or just the normal visual temptations of this abnormal culture.

We view enlisting the understanding, compassion, strength and support of women as a key missing link in solving the porn problem today – a missing link that we’ve all been needing.

I hope this book and this research is a blessing to you in your all-important work with marriages and families.  As always, please let us know if there is anything we can do to support you.

With appreciation,

Shaunti

Please support this book launch by buying your copies today!

 

 

 

A message for leaders from Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross, about Through A Man’s Eyes.

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Launching my new book Through A Man’s Eyes TODAY!

Hi friends, I am so thrilled that after years of need and years of research, my latest book for women, Through a Man’s Eyes, is releasing today!

In this book, Craig Gross, founder of xxxchurch.com, and I team up to help women understand something that affects the lives of every man and boy every day… but that most of us as women are often completely blind to.  I’m talking, of course, about the visual nature of men

When I released For Women Only ten years ago (has it really been that long?!), the chapter that instantly sparked the most attention and controversy was the Visual chapter.  Both as a social researcher and as a wife and mom, it became very clear to me very quickly that there was no other single issue that so deeply affects so many millions of men, of which so many millions of women were completely unaware.   A few thousand words in one chapter clearly wasn’t enough.

So now it is time to take that subject and blow it up to book size: to help us as women understand and support the husband, son, boyfriend, friend, father, brother or colleague that we care about.

If you are in any kind of relationship with a male humanoid-type-person, I hope this book will open your eyes to the fact that the male visual brain wiring is a gift, and is intended to be a good thing!  But in today’s sexualized culture it also creates challenges for men and boys today that they were never supposed to face.  Do you know how to talk to your husband about this, without freaking out?  Do you know how to help your son grow up as an honorable young man in a culture filled with images he was never supposed to see?  Or if problems have arisen, do you know how to have not only strength but compassion when confronting a man’s poor choices, or how to walk the road to healing and wholeness for not only your man but your marriage?

This book is for every woman, whether our men have fallen into real problems or whether they are just living with normal visual male brains in today’s abnormal culture.

Ladies, let’s have our eyes opened.  Let’s finally be able to see what men see.

Please support this book launch by buying your copies today!

 

 

A message for every wife, girlfriend or mom from Shaunti Feldhahn and Craig Gross, about Through A Man’s Eyes.

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My Lady Is A Loose Cannon

Dear Shaunti,

I used to think I was crazy, but these days I feel like I’m the stable one in our house.  I recently read a news report where this guy called 911 because his wife refused to speak to him. It’s ridiculous, but I can relate.

Just a couple days ago, we were out with old friends who started bragging about their daughter. I could see my wife tense up, since our son who’s the same age has been struggling.  To try to release the tension I made some smart remark about locking our boy in the dungeon until he figured out how to handle his schoolwork. My buddies laughed, but my wife gave me The Look. Goodbye night of leisure—hello night of lecture. And then two days of the cold shoulder.  Really?  I just made a joke!   I couldn’t help but get irritated.

Don’t get me wrong—I love my wife.  But sometimes women don’t make a lick of sense. Why is she so irrational?  And how can I get her to lighten up?

–Looking For Her To Lighten Up

Dear Lighten Up,

You sound a bit like writer Oscar Wilde: “Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood.”  Now it’s my turn to ask: Really?  All she did was get irritated!

Do you realize what you’re saying?  In your view, your wife is automatically irrational…just because you don’t understand why she got irritated.   

Now tell me who is the irrational one?

Listen, all snarkiness aside, you need to know something really important:  if she’s upset, there is almost certainly an understandable reason.  And you’ve got to learn to look for, and find that reason – and view it as legit, instead of dismissing it.  Because dismissing it is a one-way ticket to far worse than just one night on the couch, or a bit of the cold shoulder: it will lead straight to her being more and more unhappy.  And all too many husbands have dismissed that as irrational, too…. until they come home one day to an empty house and a note on the fridge.

I’m going to guess that your belief in her “irrationality” comes from assumptions you may have held from childhood.  Many teenage guys are confused by girls, and even as they get older they start to believe females are just impossible to fully understand. That belief is not only very wrong (as we learned in our research with women), but is very dangerous for relationships.

Why?  Because when you as a confused husband see your wife as a bit irrational, you are more likely to resort to the “throw up your hands, retreat, and see it as a lost cause” routine … instead of seeing signals that she has some very real concerns, looking to see the reason for those concerns, and figuring out how you can fix them.

So you need to dramatically change your paradigm.  When something seems nonsensical or out of proportion – like her reaction to your joke about your son at dinner —you have to believe there’s a reason for it.  And you have to acknowledge that in all likelihood it is a legitimate reason to her, even if it isn’t something that would bother you.

To help crack the female code, the women in our surveys offered four possibilities that every man should consider when he is completely perplexed:

It’s something you’ve done, even if you don’t realize you did it. This one isn’t a surprise, but it occurs surprisingly frequently. When things have cooled off, in a calm voice, ask your wife why what you did upset her so much. And then listen to her response without defensiveness. You’ll probably find there was a lot more going on in her mind and heart than you ever thought. (“I couldn’t believe you would throw Brandon under the bus like that, when you know he wants Paul to think well of him when he reviews him for his Eagle Scout in a few years…”)
It’s not necessarily about you – but there is an emotional need inside her that she needs you to meet.  Your wife might have been feeling insecure about herself without you ever realizing it.  She might have been feeling like you just didn’t love her like you once did.  And now she’s around these old friends, and really want them to think well of her and your family.  And now not only is she worried about that, but she’s even more insecure about your relationship because you’ve completely dismissed something that is bothering her.  It is highly likely she needs reassurance. The solution? When things like this happen, don’t withdraw from her (despite the cold shoulder), but give her a hug. Ask more questions. Don’t be defensive. Saying something like, “I feel like I messed up. I’m sorry. I love you. Help me understand.” can go a long way towards resolution and showing care.
It’s not about you – it’s about her circumstances. We all have bad days that we – unwisely – take out on those closest to us. When it happens to her, treat her the way you hope she’d treat you under similar circumstances: don’t take it personally.  But if she needs it, be ready with a listening ear and/or a shoulder to cry on.
It’s not about you – it’s hormones. Remember that, for some women, body chemistry goes awry a few days each month. If this describes her, keep an eye on the calendar and give her extra grace in tough moments.

Now, all that said, are there women who hold irrational expectations, and overreact to things?  Sure.  Just like with men.  But the situation you described sounds like there could be a lot more going on than you realize. If you take the effort to really listen to your wife and try to understand what’s happening, and why she reacts a certain way, you won’t need to call 911 about your relationship.  And you might even be able to share your insights about women with your buddies – to keep them off the line as well.

Do you want Shaunti to share life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

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Spill Out Your Secrets To Fill Up Your Marriage

Dear Shaunti,

Just before I got married, my grandmother presented me with a check – more zeroes than I’d ever seen next to my name – with the stipulation that it was my “special” fund. I was to park the money someplace safe and use it only for me; she advised me not to tell my husband-to-be about it. I did what she said, mainly because I figured she had abundant experience of being married where I had none.

Fast-forward 9 years, and my husband and I are struggling. For almost the last year, between the bills and some less-than-stellar spending decisions, we have barely made ends meet each month. And for the last year it has occurred to me that the secret stash could fix all our problems –except that it’s supposed to stay secret. Should I leave it where it is? If I use it for my marriage, I’ll have to tell my husband I’ve been keeping the secret. And would using it mean I break my promise and dishonor my grandmother?

–Torn in Two

Dear Torn in Two,

The reason you’re torn is that you don’t have a money problem – you have a trust problem. One of the most bogus messages we hear about marriage today is that husbands and wives should keep a little piece of themselves private. Your secret “just in case” stash is a common example.  Another example is when someone shares feelings or thoughts with a friend that they don’t share with their mate – or activities that they go ahead and do (happy hour with friends, shopping the sales at the mall) but keep from their mate to avoid disapproval.

All of those are secrets.  And secrets like this are lies.  They are something material you’ve been purposefully holding back from the person you are supposed to be most open with.

Sadly, you aren’t alone in your financial mystery.  A recent study revealed that 43% of people couldn’t correctly identify how much their partner earned. Now, that included people living together who weren’t married. But still.  I find that statistic shocking, disheartening, and slightly… odd.  The married couples, at least, should be completely open with each other, yet they are either actively or passively holding something back.

In the research I’ve done with thousands of couples over the years, that “holding back” often leads to the type of problems and dilemmas you describe in your note.  But the reverse is also true: refusing to hold something back and sharing everything can be scary – but it liberates your marriage.  In fact, when I did the Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages research, I discovered that one of the key factorsthat changed couples from struggling to strong was when they decided there could be no secrets.  When they threw everything into the ring – their bank accounts, email passwords, previously-undisclosed tendencies, etc. – they felt like they were risking everything but discovered far greater closeness and security in the end.

Sure, some couples did it a bit differently – for example, if the husband had a gambling problem, the wife would get counsel about putting financial boundaries in place – but the point was to not keep secrets that would build a wall and undermine the marriage.

In your case, the secret begun when you accepted your grandmother’s gift might have led to your holding back in ways that are unhealthy. And for the last year, you have known something your husband hasn’t: that your family has an “automatic out” of its current financial dilemma.  (Or, in the back of your mind, that you had a financial way to go off on your own if you wanted.)

Further, this whole time, I would wager that your husband has been weighed down by your finances and his inability to be the provider he wants to be; likely sweating at work, staring at the ceiling at nights, worrying about money, feeling like a failure.  And all this time you’ve had this knowledge.  Do you see how he would be totally right to feel betrayed?  And how the betrayal is a far bigger problem than any money issues between the two of you?

So what do you do?  First, you might want to avoid discussing this money with your grandmother for the time being. Ultimately, I hope she would be most in favor of you having a healthy, long-lasting marriage rather than some secret “special” fund.

But most important, you’re going to have to share with your husband that this money exists, and (as long as there are no other issues like that one couple’s gambling problem) bring it into your marriage.  I know it might be hard to reveal the secret, but the truth is always better than a lie.  Pray about how you should proceed, and talk to some pastors, friends or mentors who care first and foremost about your marriage and will give you good, biblical counsel about how to walk this road. (Instead of simply telling you what you want to hear.) You might also want to seek out professional counseling or coaching about your marriage to help you and your husband move forward well.

When it comes to marriage, you truly get what you give.  By giving trust and being willing to share your secrets, you will, over time, fill up your marriage.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

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The (Wandering) Eye of Tiger: Did Woods’ Girlfriend Really Leave Him Because He Didn’t Spend Enough Time with Her?

Dear Shaunti,

My wife and I got into a “discussion” the other day that has me baffled. She’d read that Tiger Woods and his girlfriend, Lindsey Vonn, said they broke up because they didn’t spend enough time together. I said that obviously wasn’t the real reason because no one actually breaks up over that. I’m not excusing the man’s past behavior, but it seems a little over-reactive to ditch him after several years just because you’re both busy.  But somehow, that remark didn’t sit well with my wife. She went on quite a rampage about how important time together is saying “even I should be able to see that.”  Of course that got me thinking: Does my wife feel neglected or abandoned when things get busy at work and we can’t spend a lot of time together?

–Busy and baffled

 

Dear Baffled,

I can tell your job is not as some sort of an investigator, because you’re not picking up on your wife’s clues very well.   Although I generally agree with you about the Woods/Vonn breakup (I wouldn’t be surprised if his previous infidelity somehow tainted this new relationship), it is impossible to overstate the importance of spending time together as a couple.

It turns out that in the best relationships, the partners either consciously or subconsciously work to maintain their friendship first and foremost, rather than take it for granted. And it also turns out that the most important factor in maintaining friendships of any kind is geographic proximity.  Those in the happiest relationships are simply around each other a lot, and relationships weaken quickly when you don’t spend much time together.  So if you aren’t around your wife a lot, you’re getting a strong signal from her right now that this is a need you should attend to.  Quickly.

Academic studies have confirmed the importance of shared time.   In my research about what makes the happiest marriages, I worked with Dr. Brad Wilcox of the University of Virginia to dig into one of his extensive surveys of married couples.  He asked, “During the past month, about how often did you and your husband/wife spend time alone with each other, talking or sharing an activity?” When we crunched the numbers for my book research, we found that those married couples who spent some sort of time talking or sharing an activity at least once a week were five times more likely to be “very happy” in their marriages than those who didn’t!”

Do you see the surprising shift in cause and effect? The happiness doesn’t come first–it happens the other way around. Just as proximity leads to the closest friendships, proximity in marriage leads to the closest couples. The cause is spending quality time together; the effect is increased happiness.

The good news for the romantically challenged is that quality time together doesn’t have to center around sharing our deepest secrets over candlelit dinners.  The happiest couples I interviewed for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages told me they did all sorts of stuff — tackling home projects together, taking evening walks after work, supporting their kids’ or grandkids’ sports, or even simply running errands together.  The key was the word “together.”

Of course, there were also exceptions; military families come immediately to mind.  I have conducted research with many military couples, and those who travel a lot for business, who had to get creative in order to meet the goal of “together time.”  One woman whose husband was in the special forces told me that although her husband was sometimes out of all contact for a month at a time, that when he was on a base, somewhere in the world, they made a point to send at least one email or WhatsApp text messages about something they were doing every single day.  The key was to be purposeful.

It sounds like the key for you is to be purposeful too – and part of that means recognizing the importance of proximity and connection.  Even when you are extra busy or traveling a lot, there are ways to compensate. (Several wives with deployed or traveling husbands have told me, “Skype is a beautiful thing.”)

But the other part of being purposeful is sending a signal back to your wife.  Because it sounds like she needs it.  She needs you to demonstrate the priority you place on your marriage via time together.

All marriages have potential for greatness; and all marriages have hurdles to overcome.  But it is a lot easier to overcome those hurdles when the two of you are best friends.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Inquire about Shaunti speaking, here.

Shaunti Feldhahn is the best-selling author of eye-opening, research-based books about men, women and relationships, including For Women Only, For Men Only, the groundbreaking The Good News About Marriage, and her newest book, Through A Man’s Eyes. A Harvard-trained social researcher and popular speaker, her findings are regularly featured in media as diverse as The Today Show, Focus on the Family, and the New York Times. Visit www.shaunti.com for more.

This article first appeared at Patheos.

The post The (Wandering) Eye of Tiger: Did Woods’ Girlfriend Really Leave Him Because He Didn’t Spend Enough Time with Her? appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The 30-Day Kindness Challenge is Almost Here! (Pre-Launch – Men)

The 30 Day Kindness Challenge is almost here!

I hope you’ll join us for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to give new enjoyment to your marriage, make your wife happy, and have great peace in your home!

About 10 years ago, Nancy Leigh Demoss interviewed me on For Women Only and For Men Only on her radio programs.  She told me about a 30-Day challenge she issues to people to help them change how they feel when they need to act a certain way but don’t yet feel like it.  What she shared that day rocked my world, and since then I have not only adapted it and issued a similar challenge myself to many men and women, but have tested it extensively in my research. I’ve watched time and time again as other independent findings, such as from one of my great research heroes, John Gottman, have backed up the principles behind it.

Bottom line: I’ve found the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to be one of the best tools in existence for helping to restore a hurting relationship or making a good relationship even better!

Here’s the 30-Day Kindness Challenge in a nutshell:

Don’t be distracted and don’t withdraw: give your wife your full attention in conversation, at least 15 minutes a day. (And, when you are upset with each other, stay in the game five more minutes past when you want to escape.)
Each day, find at least one thing that you enjoy or appreciate about her, and tell her.
Each day, do one little act of kindness for her.

This means avoiding any words or tone that your spouse/ significant other will perceive as negative, critical or unloving (even if you wouldn’t have taken it that way). This means looking for and saying out loud the good each day. (I promise, you’ll find it!) And it means purposefully doing something small that is kind and generous, whether that means bringing your wife coffee in the morning or leaving her a sticky note saying “I love you”, or jumping in to do a chore that is traditionally not yours.

We’ll be throwing out ideas each day, but you’ll come up with many of your own. We will look forward to hearing your ideas, and your stories as we go!

And if you want a very special gift for your spouse or significant other, buy a journal and don’t just say your thoughts of gratitude, but record them. Then on the last day of the Challenge, give the journal as a gift – and watch her face as she sees what you’ve written!

Join us! For the next 30 days, watch how some simple actions deliver big results!  Sign up here to receive a new challenge every day by email.

The post The 30-Day Kindness Challenge is Almost Here! (Pre-Launch – Men) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The 30-Day Kindness Challenge is Almost Here! (Pre-Launch – Women)

The 30 Day Kindness Challenge is almost here!

I hope you’ll join us for the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to give new life, health and enjoyment to your marriage or dating relationship!  You can join us by signing up to receive a new challenge every day by email.

About 10 years ago, one of my early radio interviews on For Women Only was with Nancy Leigh Demoss.  In one radio break, she told me, “We have some hurting women who call into our program, and we can tell them their husband needs respect, but given all that has happened, they just don’t feel respect. They need something to help change how they feel. So I’m going to issue what I call the 30-Day Challenge.”

What she shared that day rocked my world, and since then I have not only issued that challenge myself to many women and men, but have tested it extensively in my research. I’ve watched time and time again as other independent findings, such as from one of my great research heroes, John Gottman, have backed up the principles behind it.

Bottom line: I’ve found the 30-Day Kindness Challenge to be one of the best tools in existence for helping to restore a hurting relationship or making a good relationship even better!

Here’s the 30-Day Kindness Challenge in a nutshell:

Don’t say anything negative about your husband – either to him or about him to someone else.
Each day, find at least one thing that you appreciate about your husband, and tell him and at least one other person.
Each day, do one little act of kindness for him.

This means avoiding any words or tone that your spouse/ significant other will perceive as negative, critical or unloving (even if you wouldn’t have taken it that way). This means looking for and saying out loud the good each day. (I promise, you’ll find it!) And it means purposefully doing something small that is kind and generous, whether that means making your husband breakfast in the morning or leaving him a sticky note saying “thank you” for something he did the night before, or jumping in to do a chore that is traditionally not yours.

We’ll be throwing out ideas each day, but you’ll come up with many of your own ideas too. We will look forward to hearing your ideas, and your stories as we go!

And if you want a very special gift for your spouse or significant other, buy a journal and don’t just say your thoughts of appreciation, but record them. Then on the last day of the Challenge, give the journal as a gift – and watch his face as he sees what you’ve written!

Join us! For the next 30 days, change what you think, say and do and watch your relationship change too! Sign up here to receive a new challenge every day by email.

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Today Starts The 30-Day Kindness Challenge! (Day One – Men of CWC)

Today Starts The 30-Day Kindness Challenge!

And weeeeee’re off!  The starter’s gun has fired and you’re off and running on a thirty day marathon that will lead to some great encouragement in your lives and marriages.

Just as a quick review, here’s the race set before you.  For the next 30 days:

Don’t be distracted and don’t withdraw: give your wife or girlfriend your full attention at least 15 minutes a day and, when you are upset, stay in the game five more minutes past when you want to escape.
Each day, find at least one thing that you enjoy or appreciate about her, and tell her.
Each day, do one little act of kindness for her.

I am thrilled that you’re willing to do this Challenge for men (and be a part of my research!), and I hope you’ll see some great things happen over the next month.

Here are three tips for success – and please share with us what works for you as you go! (Email us at cniziol@shaunti.com anytime.)

Success Tip #1:  Run the race with a buddy

If you have ever started a new workout plan with a buddy, you know it is more successful than trying to go it alone. Especially since it keeps you accountable to remember to do it. This is no different.  You will be more successful if there’s a guy you can bounce things off of, and check in with.

And our team stands ready to help. Feel free to email us questions (cniziol@shaunti.com) as you go, and definitely share any input you have.

Success Tip #2:  Learn how your wife responds  over time –  and how you do, too.

For this to work, you’ll need to pay close attention to what your wife or girlfriend responds to best – not just at one time, but over time.

Each day, in addition to working on the “listening thing,” you’ll be receiving emails from us with simple ideas of how to do Challenge actions #2 and #3 (telling her what you love about her, and doing little acts of kindness). Feel free to do those specific tips each day, or go completely your own way, but the key is this: observe her response over the course of weeks. What did she say when you did a particular thing? What worked? What didn’t? You may be surprised at how some little things make a bigger difference than you would have thought!

Observation is key, especially since you may be practicing some things for the first time and it may take a few tries to get it right – for example, for her to feel that you’re actually listening.

Just as important: learn how you respond. For example: if your wife doesn’t react in the way you expect, how can you stop yourself from assuming that she doesn’t appreciate your efforts? (For example: to look for clues that she does appreciate your efforts but is simply responding a different way.) Or what most helps you hang in there for that extra five minutes during conflict? (Or, perhaps, do you realize that in conflict, in order for this to be the kindness challenge, you personally do need to withdraw to control your anger, and then come back?)

The best way to track what you’re learning is to write it down. Do you already have a notebook you use to track your workouts or day-to-day notes?  Use it to capture what you’re learning in the Challenge.

Success Tip #3: Try a gift journal

This Challenge will, we hope, give you a whole new appreciation for the woman in your life, and you’ll be getting plenty of chances to tell her that. This is optional, but imagine what a great gift it would be to memorialize those comments in writing.

So consider buying a pretty journal/notebook (hint: bookstores or the stationary aisle at stores like Target have the nicest ones, but even drugstores have simple little notebooks that work), in which to record your Challenge #2 comments each day. And then give the journal to her as a special present. Either on the last day of the Challenge or some later date, like your next date night or her birthday.

We’re cheering you on!

By stepping up to do this Challenge, you’re showing you want to invest in your relationship. Whether you tell your wife what you’re doing, or are planning to keep it secret and see what happens, that investment will pay off.

Now. Go listen to your wife!

Cheering you on…

— Shaunti

The post Today Starts The 30-Day Kindness Challenge! (Day One – Men of CWC) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Today Starts The 30-Day Kindness Challenge! (Day One – Women of CWC)

Today starts The 30-Day Kindness Challenge!

And weeeeee’re off!  The starter’s gun has fired and we’re off and running on a thirty day marathon that will lead to some very cool encouragement in our lives and marriages.

Just as a quick review, here’s the race set before us (the 30-Day Kindness Challenge).  For the next 30 days:

We are not going to be saying anything negative about our husband – either to him or about him to someone else.  Not to a friend, mother, colleague – zip!
Each day, we are going to find one thing positive that we can affirm and be grateful for about our husband, and we are going to tell our husband that thing and tell one other person (tell the friend, mom or coworker!)
Each day, we are going to be doing at least one small act of kindness for our husband.

I hope you’re excited about this, because I sure am.  I’ve seen the life change that comes from doing this.  (And I appreciate your participation in my research!)

So are you ready to go? Here are three tips for a successful 30-Day Kindness Challenge:

Success Tip #1: Run the race with a partner – or a gaggle!

Grab a friend or four to do this with you.  It will be SO much easier if you have friends running this 30-day race alongside.

A few days after I recently mentioned this Challenge at a large church women’s event, the event organizer told me the women in her church were talking about this everywhere — so I KNOW you’ll be able to find some girlfriends to join you once you tell them what it’s about!

Success Tip #2: Notice what  your husband  sees as negative!

For this to work, you’ll need to pay very, VERY close attention to what your husband or significant other sees as “saying something negative about them.”  You may view something as teasing (“You’re never been able to figure out how to handle that colleague of yours!”) that he views as torture (My wife thinks I’m an idiot).

And it is his perception that matters here.  After all, most of us don’t say something we think is overtly negative:  We know “you’re useless” ain’t gonna go over so well.  So we don’t say it.  But we do sometimes roll our eyes and say “It drives me nuts when you drive below the speed limit.”  Or “I can’t believe he made us late.  He was snailing along in the right lane again.  As if that will make him a safer driver…”

Now to be clear: The 30-Day Kindness Challenge doesn’t mean we can’t address problems that need to be addressed!  But for the next 30 days we are going to focus on being kind.  We will discover in a very, very immediate way that it is not WHAT you say, but HOW you say it, that changes everything. (“Honey, I’m so grateful you work so hard to be a safe driver for our family.  Thank you for that.  At some point, I’d love to talk to you about whether we can start leaving a few minutes earlier, since I get anxious when we’re at risk of being late.”)

Success Tip #3: Try a gift journal for your mate – but write in your own personal journal, too!

For those of you who are interested in taking this a step further: buy a gift journal and in it write your grateful thoughts (your answers to your “one positive thing about your husband”) every single day. Then give it to him on the final day as a very, very special present.

But also… if you have your own personal journal… keep track of what happens this month.  Write down what you said and how he responded.  Notice and make a note of the things he begins to say.  Record the words you used that really made an encouraging difference… and those that, well, required a few penitent prayers!

The more you do this, the more you’ll be teaching yourself what works.  And the more you apply what works, the more you will see the 30-Day Kindness Challenge leading you to exactly where you want to be!

With you on the journey….

– Shaunti

The post Today Starts The 30-Day Kindness Challenge! (Day One – Women of CWC) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.