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5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You Knew

In honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted pastors out there. Jeff and I speak in churches all over the country, and have met more of you than we could ever count.

Of course, we all can—and should—celebrate our pastors more than one day a year, and I want to shed light on practical ways we can do just that. Because the sobering truth is that a sense of being overwhelmed, discouraged and lonely are real aspects of ministry—and have gotten worse in recent years. (Think: COVID shutdowns, mask debates, politics, cancel culture …)

According to 2023 data from the Hartford Institute for Religion Research, more than half (53%) of pastors have seriously considered leaving pastoral ministry at least once since 2020.

Jeff and I were conducting research at a recent retreat for about 1,700 senior pastors and their spouses, and multiple attendees provided confidential thoughts for this blog. So here are 5 things your pastor wishes you knew—paired with doable steps you can take to tend to your pastor’s heart all year long.

Truth #1: Pastors work really hard

You’ve likely heard the joke that pastors “work one day a week.” That’s like saying firefighters work when there’s a fire—not when they’re responding to car accidents, teaching fire-prevention seminars, conducting fire drills, inspecting equipment, staying physically conditioned, and so on.

Just as we don’t think about all the things firefighters do, we often don’t have a clue about the demands of the pastor’s role or the impact those demands have on family.

Let’s find ways to thank our pastors for the hours they spend casting vision, preparing sermons, visiting hospitals, managing staff, trying to counsel and keep couples from divorcing, equipping teams, handling drama, leading strategy meetings, talking to skeptics, shepherding new believers, and answering distress calls at 3 a.m. And that was just last Tuesday.

If it’s possible, consider leading your church to bless your pastor with a sabbatical season, or at least several weekends away for rest. If the church budget is small, investigate different ministries that serve pastors. For example, the recent pastors’ retreat I mentioned was sponsored by Harvest Foundation, which provides no-strings-attached destination retreats with free lodging for pastors and spouses.

Truth #2: They have reasons for what they do

What if someone second-guessed almost every decision you made in your job? Now multiply that “someone” by many “someones.” Imagine the toll that would take!

Pastors are human and imperfect like everyone else. But they also usually have many decision variables and thus specific reasons for decisions made. One pastor Jeff and I met a few years back put it this way:

“I would love for people to assume that we have a good reason for what we are doing, even if we can’t explain it.” There are always behind-the-scenes realities.

One of his colleagues continued:

“Supporting your pastor requires trust. Not blind trust, but unless you have clear evidence that your pastor has poor judgment, or is toxic, or is on a power trip, don’t assume that they have poor judgment, or are toxic, or are on a power trip just because they say ‘no’ or do things you don’t agree with. Ministry requires lots of tradeoffs.”

Truth #3: They worry people are going to leave

One of the hardest things on pastors, emotionally, is when someone in their congregation says, “Pastor, I’m leaving the church because you ______.”

I would never have realized what a big deal this was until a speaker at the recent retreat mentioned that type of statement from the stage. I watched 1,700 pastors and spouses groan and look utterly crestfallen.

Of course, sometimes people change churches and have very good reasons for doing so. And if, for example, a pastor is abusing his authority, then church members and governing elders need to set boundaries. But for pastors who are doing their best to serve people with limited resources and time—often pouring themselves out to the point of emotional and physical exhaustion—it is simply hard when someone leaves. And it is very hard when someone leaves with a pointed finger of blame.

So, before you say “I’m leaving,” ensure that you have done your part to focus on what you’re grateful for, and that you’re not just being reactive. And, if you do move on, make sure your pastor knows what you appreciate, not just what you don’t.

Truth #4: They need to know the wins (yours and theirs)

I asked one megachurch campus pastor and his wife what my readers should know about the life of a pastor and spouse. They instantly said, “Make sure to share the wins, not just the problems.” They continued:

Her: “So often people are quick to share heartache or criticism but are not quick to share the wins.”

Him: “We feel like police officers. If a call comes in, we know it’s not good news. We hear more bad news than you can possibly imagine.”

Her: “When great things happen in your lives, or you really learned something from his teaching, it’s easy to think, ‘I don’t want to bother him with that.’ But if you share, it will bless him and that is what helps him get through the hard times.”

That’s so easy! Share your wins. Share their wins. Our pastors shouldn’t be bracing for impact when they see us making a beeline for them! Be the person they are delighted to see coming. Proverbs 11:25 (“whoever refreshes others will be refreshed”) reveals that positive encounters are life-giving for both parties.

Truth #5: They need friends

Pastors have a roomful of congregants hanging on their every word—and probably can’t be true friends with any of them.

Pastors are always “on” with members of the church (even if they don’t want to be) and can’t have the vulnerability that is required for building real friendships. While you can talk about your frustrating colleague in a church small group, they can’t. Their colleague is your child’s youth pastor or your worship leader!

Data shows that quality friendships are incredibly important for your pastor’s wellness. In his research, my friend Dr. Jonathan Hoover, the author of the recently released book Stress Fracture, and a team of researchers have been conducting research on pastor wellbeing and have found that wellbeing is incredibly connected to whether they have friends they can talk to.

In fact, in her Fall 2022 article published in Influence magazine, one of those researchers, Dr. Kristen Kansiewicz, found that pastors who reported no close friends had the highest depression scores. And—get this—with each close friend, the depression score decreased. (For that research, 850 Assemblies of God pastors were interviewed from June to December 2020.)

A friend for the pastor is something we can pray for. Jesus stayed up all night praying before he chose the twelve disciples (Luke 6:12-17). Imagine what would happen if we prayed fervently for our pastors to find and form good friendships.

Acting on these five insider truths will bring refreshment to your pastors. So, read this blog at your small group. Forward it to the elder board, prayer team, or key volunteer leaders at your church. And for yourself, pick at least one item that you can act on this Pastor Appreciation Sunday—and for many Sundays to come.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You KnewIn honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 2)This is part 2 of a two-part series on the mental wellbeing of college students. Last week my Executive Assistant,… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 1)I am delighted this week to introduce you to my Executive Assistant Amy Masaschi, who has written a courageous piece… Join me for an “Election Edition” of the 30-Day Kindness ChallengeWhether you are a politics junkie (guilty!), or someone who wishes you could avoid this election season entirely, I think… For Women Only Turns Twenty! My Thoughts — and Yours.For Women Only has a big birthday this month, and it feels like a good moment to look back and… 5 Tips for Making New FriendsShow of hands, where are the Friends or Seinfeld junkies? You know every re-run. You can quote all the best…

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What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 2)

This is part 2 of a two-part series on the mental wellbeing of college students. Last week my Executive Assistant, Amy Masaschi, wrote about her son’s anxiety and depression at the start of his college career. This week, I’ll offer several steps to help parents navigate the college years in a supportive way.

College students need support for their mental health—and a growing body of research bears this out.

The Annual Healthy Minds survey, which received responses from more than 76,000 U.S. college students during the 2022-23 academic year, revealed these alarming statistics:

61% said they sometimes or often felt lonely41% reported symptoms of depression36% experienced anxiety14% had seriously thought about suicide (6% had made a plan, 2% had attempted it)

Another national survey of students found that more than half (56%) have experienced chronic stress in college, while three in four say stress is negatively affecting their academics. Only 4 percent say stress had no impact on their academics!

First-year and female students are at highest risk, according to a recent smartphone-enabled tracking study conducted by Dartmouth researchers.

Armed with this data, parents of new college students cannot afford to assume, “That’s not my child.” Our college kids might in fact be in that mix of statistics. So, picking up where Amy’s guest blog left off last week, I’ll offer four more tips for supporting our college students’ emotional health.

Tip 1: Assume your college kid needs your support – just on their terms

When we surveyed teens and young adults age 15-21 for For Parents Only and several other books, we discovered that high school graduation marked a stark dividing line.

Adolescents who aren’t yet adults are starving for freedom, and there’s all this tension around wanting it. But that goes away when they go away to college. In college, they no longer stress about freedom—because they have it!

At the same time, our college-age kids have a different type of stress: they know they’re in uncharted territory and they often do want our support. So, as parents, we go from being stiff-armed to being welcomed with open arms. (Well, kind of. With limits.)

We polled young adults (ages 19-24, some in college, some post-college) last year for a blog on what young adults need from their parents. While the poll was informal, many responses had a similar thread: Young adults want our support, but on their terms.

One 23-year-old described it this way: “Think of us like the toddler/kindergartners of adults. We need to start being independent and make mistakes on our own, but at the end of the day we just don’t know a lot (even if we think we do). So asking if we’d like advice on any topic would really help.”

Here’s the key: the same respondent said unsolicited advice is not welcome! So, parents, maybe we should trade barging in with advice on the roommate situation in favor of asking questions like these:

Are you feeling better about your roommate (or finances or calculus professor)?Is anything worrying you right now?How can we support you?How can we pray for you?

Tip #2: Establish a check-in system

If your college kid is a talker, phone check-ins may work great. But what if, like Amy’s son, your student deals in one-word answers? Or what if their best times to talk (think 2 a.m.) aren’t yours? (Or what if your best times aren’t theirs? I still laugh with my mom about how she and my dad used to call my freshman hall phone at 8 a.m. on Saturday mornings!)

One of my friends devised a brilliant check-in system with her college kids, all of whom wrestle with the usual anxiety at times. My friend asked each of them to text her a sequence of six numbers every day.

On a range of 1 to 3 (1 for struggling, 2 for doing okay, and 3 for thriving), her kids rated how they were feeling about each of these that day:

SleepEating/nutritionExerciseAcademicsSocial lifeEmotional / spiritual life

The numbers gave my friend direction on how to pray. Plus, if the student answered “1” in any area, they agreed they were giving my friend permission to ask about it if it seemed necessary (for example, if it was a trend).

Another woman with several college kids made sure her son (who experienced depression) knew he could say anything to her. Anything. “This is a tough one because you might hear things that are hard to hear,” she said. But it kept the lines of communication open.

To that end, another friend’s college son confessed a weed addiction to her during his junior year. Rather than grill him about why he tried it or where he got the money or how he could be so stupid (all of which flashed through her mind!) she asked, “Would you like to move home while we figure this out?”

He said, “Yeah Mom, I really would.”

With support, he realized he was overloaded with stress. He identified steps to de-stress in healthier ways—including lightening his course load to graduate a semester later, plugging into church community, and exercising more.

There are plenty of ways you can touch base in a way that works for both of you. The key, as Amy mentioned last week, is to be sure to check in regularly, especially in the first semester.

Tip 3: Limit how we ‘vent’ our views in their earshot

Some of the big stressors for students have been around since, well, college: Coursework, relationships, or adjusting to campus life.

But some of the main stressors for young adults today are big, global concerns—such as politics, gun violence, or climate change—that are outside of any one person’s control.

Remember at the opening of this blog, how many college students had significant anxiety? Well, we might need to personally reckon with one reason for that. According to the American Psychiatric Association, a recent survey found that more than half of Gen Zers (born between 1997 and 2012) experience mental health impacts around these big issues. And one reason is what they hear about politics from us—whether before they left for college, or what they read yesterday on our social media platforms.

Parents, this means we should choose our words with care.

When we vent the-sky-is-falling opinions, we might think we’re just letting loose our frustrations. But we’re actually contributing to our kids’ fears.

Of course there are many policy concerns that matter. But our kids’ mental health matters, too. (Not to mention that catastrophizing tends to make anxiety more acute in us, as well.)

Tip 4: Urge your child to seek community, counseling and care

While 50% of college students with a mental health condition do not seek care (similar to the ratio in the overall adult population), one encouraging trend is that more students are seeking care.

Of course, this means many campus health centers, pastors, and counselors are struggling to keep up with demand. (This is the main reason we’re in the middle of a major initiative called The Church Cares. The project is designed to build up and train an army of lay helpers in the church who can help fill in this gap. Please read more about that here, as well as how Jeff and I are pursuing research-based solutions here.)

One of the best solutions for our kids is to encourage them to not “go it alone.” Let’s normalize talking with a pastor, lay counselor, or a Christian licensed mental health practitioner who will support their faith. And since having healthy, supportive friendships is one of the most protective factors for health, let’s strongly encourage our kids to seek healthy community.

At the end of the day, especially as people of faith, we must pray that our college kids will be connected to exactly the right people and that, in the process, their health and faith will be strengthened now and for years to come.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring these life-changing truths to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com

Unlock the secrets to thriving relationships with Shaunti’s proven, research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles at Shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 1)

I am delighted this week to introduce you to my Executive Assistant Amy Masaschi, who has written a courageous piece about navigating her college freshman’s anxiety and depression last year. I’ll follow up next week with statistics every college parent needs to know – plus steps to take if your college student is slipping into an uncharacteristic depression or anxiety.

By Amy Masaschi

My son’s path to college was every bit as exciting as I had hoped it would be. A throwback to my own adventure-seeking college tour during my senior year of high school, his enthusiasm over campus visits almost made me want to relive four of the best years of my life.

Because that’s what they are for all college students, right? Four of the best years?

Quiet-spirited, easy-going, and adventurous, our son was ready to go to college. We even held him back in elementary school so that he would be 19, with an extra year of maturity under his belt, when he left.

After a pretty thorough college search, he landed on my alma mater—a mere 2.5 hours away from home. I couldn’t have written a better narrative.

A few days after we dropped him off, my husband checked on him. In response to his simple “How’s it going?” question, my husband got one word.

“Alright.”

We didn’t expect shouts of joy and reveille (for those of you who don’t have boys, one- or two-word answers are the norm). But we would have loved to have heard “It’s great” or at least “Good.”

We said we’d check in again in a few days once classes began.

At the next check-in, he was “just okay.” And then during our next conversation, at an overnight freshman retreat, our son sounded uncharacteristically uneasy and anxious. We chalked it up as just being sleep-deprived and overwhelmed with the intensity of college classes. But as the weeks went on, things didn’t improve.

One month after we dropped him off, we headed back for Parent’s Weekend. That weekend was the lowest I had ever seen him. His anxiety was palpable. He was experiencing panic attacks and depression.

He had experienced a bout of anxiety when he switched elementary schools, but we had been vigilant since then—especially when he transitioned from middle school to high school. He had made that adjustment seamlessly, excelling academically, joining the cross country and track teams, and making friends. Now, in college, he didn’t even seem like the same kid we dropped off four weeks earlier.

I still wasn’t fully grasping that all this was really happening.

An unexpected transition

Anxiety and depression were not on our radars. But we cobbled together enough clues to start doing our research. We invited friends to pray for our son—and for wisdom for us.

We also called multiple friends who had connections to health professionals. Our son also made appointments to see the campus counselor and physician, who prescribed him medication. They were helpful, but he needed more. Thankfully, our friend who sits on the board of a local non-profit medical center got him an appointment with a psychiatrist there.

Unsure whether low doses of new medications were making a difference, my husband drove over to take our son back to the psychiatrist. By day’s end we finally had a real grasp on the situation rather than depending on scattered and confusing clues. We knew our son needed to come back home to get the help he needed to heal.

What transpired over the next week was a gift from God. Although we were completely shell-shocked by the circumstances, God continued to support us through friends who provided godly advice and prayer. And He kindly orchestrated events that led us to a psychiatrist and psychologist in our hometown who, together, prescribed new medications at therapeutic doses.

We started that week not knowing where to begin and ended the week with a measure of hope that we were on the right path.

Letting go … again

Once home, our son was on an emotional roller coaster of a different kind. He missed his friends and wanted to get back to school as soon as possible.

We didn’t know the playbook for this—does any parent know the playbook for this? Would going back be helpful? Or would he experience more debilitating anxiety? Since we felt confident that he was now able to get the support he needed, and since we had confirmed the medications were right for him (we ended up doing a DNA test to confirm this and it was spot-on), we decided to let him go.

My husband took him back and stayed until he began to feel better. As the medications started to take effect and with therapy sessions underway, our son slowly returned to himself. We continued to check in with him daily and were so relieved to see him finally begin to enjoy the college experience we knew he was meant for.

I am happy to report that my son successfully finished his freshman year and is now thriving back on campus for his second year.

Four steps to consider today

We learned so much about our son in this process. We also took a crash course on mental health! For those who recently sent your kids off to college (or back to college), here are a few things I wholeheartedly encourage you to consider:

If your child has struggled with any level of anxiety, depression or self-harm in the past, don’t assume they are fine. The transition to college is a major physical and emotional change and can awaken those feelings. Don’t be afraid to have those conversations with them. Check in with your child frequently in the early weeks and months. They may be annoyed with you, but the more frequently you check in, the sooner you will know if something is off.If the college offers free mental health sessions, or if a school Christian fellowship group offers connections to pastoral counseling, encourage your student to use those resources, even if they seem fine. Many of the universities we visited offered some form of counseling as part of the tuition. If your child is experiencing mental health struggles or has in the past, ask the college if they have accommodations (equivalent to a 504 or IEP in high school) and sign up for them (or be aware of how to do so quickly). My son’s university has this option, and we did not think we needed it until we did. Thankfully his professors let him work remotely, but had we signed up for accommodations sooner, he would have had the ability to make up schoolwork and tests he missed while at home without penalty.

These are hard things to consider! No one wants to drop their child off at college knowing the address of the behavioral health office, or exploring how to apply for accommodations. As parents, we want to see our children thrive in college, and every next chapter.

But college is a huge adjustment. And the more we can stay tuned in to our college kids’ emotional and behavioral health needs, the more we can set them up for success with what God has called them to do in the future.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring these life-changing truths to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com

Explore further resources and teachings from Shaunti’s research, aligned with biblical truths at Shaunti.com

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Join me for an “Election Edition” of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge

Whether you are a politics junkie (guilty!), or someone who wishes you could avoid this election season entirely, I think we can all agree that it’s time for a kindness reset in our country. If you are weary from political hostility and want to “do something” to change the tone, our ministry has developed a tool that can help you actively be part of the solution.

The need—and a solution

Our politically toxic culture needs a dose of kindness. We can hardly watch TV, scroll social media, or even talk to friends, family, or work colleagues without a pervasive sense of negativity hanging over us. Maybe we’re even contributing to it, and we sense that pulling us away from who God has called us to be.

Or maybe we are contributing to it and we don’t even realize it.

Since 2017, the 30-Day Kindness Challenge has provided a practical, proven way to both spread kindness and examine our own words and actions. And now, we’ve adapted that original challenge into a special “Election Edition” of the 30-Day Kindness Challenge.

We’re calling it Kindness 2024. I’m inviting you to take this Challenge with me, and to help me get the word out.

Change starts with us

Those who follow this blog will be familiar with my book, The Kindness Challenge. Many of you have also taken the original 30-Day Kindness Challenge—an empirically-tested method of improving any relationship. Among those who do three simple things daily for thirty days, 89% of relationships improved—largely because of one dramatic, eye-opening recognition among most participants: Oh wow, I had no idea I was being unkind every day.

The original Challenge primarily works not because it changes the tone and temperature of our relationship (although that is a part of it), but because it changes us. This makes it a helpful tool for today’s culture. Each of us could benefit from a bootcamp to “see” the ways we are contributing to the problem and become part of the solution instead.

Here’s how Kindness 2024 works:

For those you disagree with politically, do these three things every day for thirty days:

Say nothing personally negative, in word or tone, about anyone you disagree with—either to them or about them to someone else.

Stating disagreement is fine. Being derisive—in public or private—is not.

Every day, find one positive thing that you can sincerely praise or affirm about someone you disagree with, and tell them, and tell someone else.

See the very real positives in someone, even if you strongly disagree with their beliefs. Your neighbor may have yard signs for the other candidate, but you can notice and comment (to them and someone else) that they are such a patient parent, or so kind to your kids.

Every day, do a small act of kindness or generosity for someone you disagree with.

Serve someone in kindness—whether that means sincerely listening for an extra 10 minutes to the views of your difficult family member, or bringing coffee to your outspoken coworker.

Just as with the original version, we have created 30 days of FREE reminder emails and coaching to help you along the way. So head on over to the Kindness 2024 site we designed just for this special edition and sign up today.

Even better, be part of a movement. Invite your neighborhood group, Sunday school class, work department, church, or school to take this Challenge together.

And if you really want to help multiply the impact, forward this blog to any pastor, leader, or radio or podcast host who might like to invite their broader audience to take the Challenge.

We all want things to change. So sign up for Kindness 2024 today. Let’s watch just how well intentional kindness changes the political temperature around us – as well as how it changes us.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring these life-changing truths to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com

Explore further resources and teachings from Shaunti’s research, aligned with biblical truths at Shaunti.com

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Join me for an “Election Edition” of the 30-Day Kindness ChallengeWhether you are a politics junkie (guilty!), or someone who wishes you could avoid this election season entirely, I think… For Women Only Turns Twenty! My Thoughts — and Yours.For Women Only has a big birthday this month, and it feels like a good moment to look back and… 5 Tips for Making New FriendsShow of hands, where are the Friends or Seinfeld junkies? You know every re-run. You can quote all the best… Building Resilience – 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 4)This is the final part of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from… Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 3)This is part 3 of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from our… Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control  (Part 2)This is part 2 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from…

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For Women Only Turns Twenty! My Thoughts — and Yours.

For Women Only has a big birthday this month, and it feels like a good moment to look back and reflect on all that God has done.

I’ll be honest, never in my wildest dreams did I think this book would succeed like it did—and help marriages succeed like they did. Twenty years and 1.7 million copies in 26 languages later, I can say this with certainty: For Women Only tapped raw nerves and real needs in ways that have helped two generations of women discover the inner lives of their men.

How it started

The path I took to writing this bestseller was all beautifully accidental. When working on my second novel, The Lights of Tenth Street, I discovered that I had no idea what kinds of thoughts to put in the head of one of my main characters – a devoted Christian husband and father. So I began asking men in my personal and professional lives what they would be thinking if they were this man in such-and-such a scene.

You could say it was “point-of-view” material long before “POV” was trending on memes and hashtags. Their answers shocked me!

As I connected their answers, I found men were expressing truly foundational needs, fears, desires, struggles, and doubts that sure seemed to be common. Soon, I found myself sharing these findings with friends. We’d be talking intently in a coffee shop, only to discover that two or three women at nearby tables were listening in. Jaws on the floor. Looking like I had a secret key that unlocked a mystery in their marriage.

I knew my informal findings begged for a professional survey to see if most men statistically shared those same perspectives and vulnerabilities.

Most men did. And a bestseller was born.

For Women Onlyopened the door for my husband Jeff and I to write For Men Only. Together, the two books have sold 2.6 million copies around the world.

Even today, twenty years after For Women Only came out, we still get requests for new foreign language editions. (A few years ago, we got a request for Tigrinya. I had to look that up!)

All of these languages represent new access points for new perspectives that will hopefully change lives. (And new perspectives appear to be sorely needed in some cases. Each foreign language edition creates its own cover of a book—and one foreign publisher printed For Women Only and For Men Only with male and female scorpions on the covers!)

Generational impact

So now, twenty years later, For Women Only is reaching its second generation.

One woman I met at a women’s event in January is emblematic of this generational impact. Dr. Michelle Sims, an economics professor at Arizona Western College, approached me at the event intermission to tell me how For Women Only restored her marriage twenty years earlier. “The book held truths I needed to hear that my husband probably wasn’t comfortable saying,” she said.

We hugged … and cried. Later, she picked up my last three copies of For Women Only— one to replace her own loaned-out copy, and one for both of her daughters.

And the kicker? Dr. Sims almost didn’t attend that women’s event! Another college semester was upon her, she had much to do, and she had no idea who the speaker was. Until, she said, I walked onstage, carrying “her book” under my arm! Divine encounters like these, and stories of restored marriages, never get old.

The positive ripple effects continue

For Women Only had other positive ripple effects, too. Its success swung open the door for Jeff and I to share encouragement for marriages at speaking events all over the country. It has led to much more research, which resulted in For Young Women Only, For Young Men Only, For Parents Only, and other books—as well as audio books, bible studies and resources designed to help relationships thrive.

It also opened doors to many more marriage-based research projects that have helped couples build stronger intimate lives, create better connection around money, and discover habits shared by the happiest couples.

Just last week, a woman wrote in to let me and my team know how this summer’s Married With Benefits podcast series through FamilyLife, which I co-hosted with Brian Goins, impacted her marriage. She wrote:

“Shaunti … your podcast saved my marriage. This summer I listened and re-listened and shared with everyone that I could. I have been married for 21 years. We had completely fallen apart and your podcast honestly saved us.”

Messages like these bring me to tears. Truly. If I can be transparent with you, working in the relationship space— especially the marriage space—comes with a built-in target. Readers of faith will understand what I mean. I have author friends who have done credible, earnest, transformational work in this area, and let’s just say all of us have many scriptures we collectively cling to when the battle gets fierce.

But it’s entirely worth it.

When you book Jeff and me to speak, when you buy our books for your engaged kids, when you write in with your heart-rending stories … not only does this keep our ministry going, but it spurs us on to learn more, research more, and share more that might help. We are even hoping to work with the publisher on an update to the books. We will never have perfect messaging, or all the answers readers need, but as long as God gives us the ability, we can keep trying.

So, those are some my thoughts. Now, I want to share your thoughts.

The survey says ….

We put out an informal poll in July and August to solicit input from you— readers of our blog—to see what For Women Only has meant to you. (If you participated, thank you!)

The “a-ha” moments that created the greatest change in our informal survey respondents’ relationships included these:

“My husband needs time to process before he can discuss a situation.”“Respect is important for my husband’s self-concept.”“I make sure to say thank you.”

Simple. And game-changing!

When we asked which chapters in For Women Only provided the greatest insight about the inner lives of men, the top three in your responses were: Your Love is Not Enough (40%), Sex Changes Everything (22%), and The Loneliest Burden (9%).

Major findings that correspond with these chapters, respectively, include:

If forced to make a choice, most men (74%) would choose being unloved over being disrespected.Sex gives 77% of men a greater sense of well-being in other areas of life.50% of men are conscious most of the time about providing for their families.

These insights help us see our men in a different, perhaps softer, light. And, to the first point, consider what this respondent had to say:

“As I have researched ‘respect’ (for my husband) and what that means and try to apply it, I find my marriage goes 1,000 times better. I’ve been married 25 years and only recently started understanding respect.”

That’s so encouraging, isn’t it? It’s never too late to introduce new patterns into our marriages!

I’ll close with what had to be one of my favorite comments from a respondent who read For Women Only 10 years ago:

“Now, I realize it’s time to read this book again! Long overdue, I might add, especially reading the chapter titles (in the survey) and realizing there are several that strike a very tender spot in my heart right now.”

I like her use of the word tender. While For Women Only is chock full of research-driven statistics, at the end of the day, it has much to say about how we as women can truly support the tender vulnerabilities and fears our men face every day. Just as For Men Only helps our men understand us.

If you’ve never read For Women Only and want to unlock the secrets of your man’s heart, I hope you will pick up your own copy and start a journey to understanding.

If you’re looking for additional resources, we have thoughtfully designed courses, small group studies, and videos for personal in-home or small-group use around For Women Only and many of our other research-based books.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti and Jeff speak on marriage for a weekend retreat or during Sunday services at your church, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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5 Tips for Making New Friends

Show of hands, where are the Friends or Seinfeld junkies? You know every re-run. You can quote all the best lines. (“Pivot!”) But do you know what made those shows work?

Of course, there was brilliant writing and comedic timing. And the characters helped us recognize our own personality traits and mental health struggles in a non-threatening way. (One college professor even taught a class at Rutgers he dubbed Psy-feld, in which students watched episodes of Seinfeld and discussed the characters’ behavioral health in class. How great is that?)

But these shows had one main ingredient that made them go. Friendship.

Many of us would love the barge-through-the-front-door friendships portrayed in these sitcoms. But if we don’t yet have that, we’re not alone. The U.S. Surgeon General last year issued an advisory about the devastating health consequences of isolation. Calling loneliness an epidemic, the report found that even before COVID-19, about half of U.S. adults experienced measurable levels of loneliness.

This is not a “minor” issue. The health toll of disconnection is worse than smoking! For example, lonely people have a 50% increased risk of dementia, 60% increased risk of premature death, and a substantial spike in mental health challenges such as depression and anxiety.

The Rx is Relationships

Bottom line: We need friends. It’s a topic I dedicated entire devotions to in my book Find Rest. We are created in such a way that there is no way to live a restful and peaceful life without at least some sort of rich connection.

And yet, in adulthood, finding true friends can be so doggone tricky, can’t it? Maybe you’ve been burned by a close friend and it’s hard to risk building trust with someone new. Maybe you your busy schedule complicates getting time together. Or maybe you’re quirky and finding friends who get you is just … hard.

We need to purposefully get down to the business of building the close friendships we want –whether they are the barge-through-the-front-door friends or the “what are you doing three weeks from Sunday?” friends. Here are five tips (some of which might be surprising) on how to do just that.

Tip #1: Be curious about people

Curiosity fundamentally changed my life.

As an adult, I have many fantastic friendships. But growing up, it was a different story. I wanted friendships, but had no idea how to build them. I tried too hard to get attention. I was clingy. When a classmate told a story, I would jump in with “me, too!” Not surprisingly, it didn’t work.

When I was 13, my grandparents gave me the book, How to Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie. Picture a thirteen-year-old reading that leadership book. But I devoured it like a hungry person who had seen a buffet for the first time.

Here’s the most essential principle for being someone that others want to spend time with: Be genuinely interested in them. Be curious. Ask questions that will allow you to find out more about who they are. Even something as simple as, “So, tell me how you and your spouse met.” is gold. Not to mention, “Do you have any hobbies? How did you get into that?” or “What’s your favorite thing about your job?”

What matters is not the actual questions, but the sincere interest you show in the other person.

Tip #2: Be an active listener

Mastering the skill of listening to others will deepen your friendships immeasurably. Active listening forces us to slow down and focus. One study showed that good listening actually elevates heart rate and blood pressure. In other words: listening takes work.

It also forces us to set aside our knee-jerk desire to say: “Oh! That happened to me, too. In fact …”

When we swing the conversation to a commonality, we might think we’re showing interest. But we’re really steering the conversation back to ourselves. We may even (unintentionally) signal one-upmanship or even disinterest in the other party.

Instead, we can ask follow-up questions or simply say, “Tell me more about that.”

In the process of being a great listener, you’ll show the other person that you care. (And you will care, because sitting in someone’s presence and listening naturally cultivates empathy.)

Listening also sets you up perfectly for the next tip. It’s a hard one.

Tip #3: Take the risk to be real

In Find Rest, I wrote about an adoptive mom named Hannah whose son experienced trauma before coming into her home. Hannah’s life is difficult in a way that few people understand.

One day at the park, she met another adoptive mom who seemed nice. They engaged in pleasant conversation.

Then Hannah took a risk. “And the therapy. So much therapy, right?”

She bravely tossed out a rope that she hoped would be caught. And it was! The other mom grabbed the rope and shared excitedly that she felt like someone else got her life. What a shame it would have been if Hannah left the playground that day just having shared pleasantries. Instead, she found someone who might be a friend. Over time, each of them shared more … and more … and today, they are extremely close. They have offered each other deep, mutual understanding over the years.

Tip #4: Put Yourself Out There

This is another type of risk – and the hardest one for many of us. Not everyone finds friends just by taking their kids to the playground.

In fact, for some of us, it’s risky and really, really hard.

But if we really want to find friends, there’s no way around it: We have to put ourselves into small group settings (church small groups, hobby clubs, volunteer teams, and so on). This is how we can identify people who might be “friend material” in our lives. From small groups, we can narrow to one or two we really connect with.

Which leads to the final and probably the most important factor of all.

Tip #5: Schedule time together

If you meet someone that has friend material written all over them, it’s crucial to make time to be together. (This is also true, by the way, for longtime friends!)

This can look like inviting them over for a meal after church, suggesting coffee while the kids are at soccer practice, or texting a new family with a last-minute invitation to join you at bowling on Saturday. It can even be playing online games together in real time, or having a video call, if you are in different locations. Research has found that actual time together is the most foundational thing that makes friendships work.

Many of us make the excuse that we are too busy, or that there are other obstacles. But the reality is: we make time and overcome obstacles for the things that matter most to us. So let’s make this matter!

If we do, the bonus of committing to these five tips will lay a surprising foundation. We’ll learn to be a good friend ourselves.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Building Resilience – 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 4)

This is the final part of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from our life and relationships. In part 1and part 2, we explored what learned helplessness is, and what it might look like in our lives. In part 3, we shared the first two (of six) steps for ridding it from our lives. This week, we cover the last four steps.

After examining the concept of “learned helplessness” in part 1 and part 2 of this series, and beginning to address it with action in part 3, I hope that you have a sense for how to spot it in your life. If you haven’t read the series, I highly recommend backtracking. See especially the bullet list that opens part 1 for examples of what we’re talking about.

Let’s dive into the last few action steps we can take to tackle learned helplessness once we see it.

Step #3: Start from the assumption that there is something you can control

In the face of difficulties that seem to come up over and over (and over and over) it is easy to slip into thinking like this:

“I guess I’m stuck with _________. There’s nothing I can do.”“I’ve tried and _________ is never going to improve.”“It’s not fair that _________ is always going to be the case.”

Now, as mentioned in Part 1, it is important to “accept” and move on from certain things that aren’t the way we want them in life or relationships. (With the important caveat that some dynamics ­– like physical abuse – should never be accepted.) The point here is that there are some cases in which, when we feel helpless, we don’t actually move on or take action. We feel powerless. Maybe sad. Angry. We may lash out or we may shut down.

We feel stuck.

Here’s the small but radical change we need to make. We need to start from the assumption that “There are things here that I can control.” And we can take those steps in a healthy, God-honoring way.

You may have a hard time “seeing” what you can do. If needed, enlist a wise and encouraging friend or mentor to help you brainstorm options.

As just one example, in part 2 of this series we talked about a husband, Tom, developing a “why bother” mindset because nothing he does ever seems to please his wife, Kim. It is tempting to say that the solution is simply to correct Kim’s hyper-vigilant household rules. And yes, Kim – like all of us – needs work. But so does Tom.

If Tom would be honest, there is a way forward. He’s just not fighting for it! Instead of checking out, he could communicate honestly and lovingly to Kim about how her correction – even on seemingly minor things – makes him feel. He could state what is almost certainly true, which is that he knows Kim doesn’t want to make him feel like an idiot, and ask if the two of them together could set up a system for “catching” the words that nick his raw nerve.

Even better, he could address things that Kim, on her side, feels helpless about as well.  Our books For Women Only and For Men Only offers insight into these tender places in your spouse’s heart – those feelings he or she may have trouble articulating to you. If you would like to understand your spouse better based on research and surveys conducted with thousands of men and/or women, I highly recommend you pick up copies, read them together, and ask your spouse what is true of them. We have heard from thousands of readers who see their spouses in a clearer light because of these books!

Step #4: Give up the sneaky “benefits” of helplessness – and pursue wellness instead

The New Testament describes the story of a man who was paralyzed for 38 years. He spent every day lying near a pool that was thought to have medicinal properties.

When Jesus arrived there, he asked the man a pointed question that – at some level – each of us needs to ask ourselves: “Do you want to be well?”

The immediate response from the man’s mouth was telling: “Sir, I have no one to help me.” (John 5:2 NIV). He went on about how others got to the pool ahead of him – essentially, a “woe is me” response. I know readers of this blog are in different places in matters of faith. But I think Jesus wants us to grapple with His question, too.

Do we want to be well? Do we really want it? It could be time for some targeted, introspective questions that examine the sneaky “benefits” we get out of being “helpless”:

Do I like the attention? (“You poor thing. How can I help you?”)Have I taken a license to dodge responsibility? (“I put in 100 résumés and no one called, so I’m just going to settle into the couch and watch NASCAR.”)Do I blame-shift? (“My life wouldn’t be such a mess if ____ hadn’t done ____.”

Do any of these hit home? Are you ready to root them out?

Step #5: Evaluate what you can and should take responsibility for

If learned helplessness has been a prominent feature in your life, evaluating where you should take responsibility is a life-changing step. This may require the help of a pastor or counselor.

Even if you don’t have immediate access to a counseling setting, you can start today by asking yourself some questions:

Is there anything I have developed a “helpless response” to?Is there a path out that I’m not seeing or that I’m unwilling to take? (Remember, there almost always is something we can improve, even if it is “just” improving our attitude.)Where might God be calling me to greater responsibility in that?Where might God be revealing that some things are the other person’s responsibility?

For example, let’s say you have a toxic boss. You are not responsible for the fact that your boss is toxic, but you are responsible for how you respond. Feeling “stuck,” getting passive-aggressive, and slow-walking projects isn’t a healthy response that will move you forward. Brainstorm with a friend or counselor all the different things you can do – without defaulting to saying “that won’t work.” Find something that will work.

Step #6: Push through your fear – and take action. Repeatedly.

If you’re discovering that learned helplessness is hindering you in your life and relationships, taking action is the most crucial step. It is also the most liberating.

The first few times you purposefully attempt to do something it might feel fearful or risky. Changes and consequences will likely come from our actions! But you’ll find that you get used to taking action, and that the consequences usually aren’t nearly as hard as we built them up to be in our minds. Doing this over and over again is how resilience is built!

To see how this works, let’s keep going with variations of the toxic boss example.

As one scenario, you might realize that while his/her behavior is not your responsibility, your best option is to get out from under that influence. (See? It might be terrifying, but it’s also freeing!) So suppose you switch your mindset to what you can do. You start saving money, update your résumé, and begin a job search. You give yourself goals to hit, like “I will call ten different people who I can network with this month.” It may be inconvenient, stressful, and even uncomfortable, but you are not helpless.

Or suppose that your boss is not truly toxic but just irresponsible in a way that makes things challenging. You could make a decision to keep your job but place boundaries up. Perhaps you have a conversation with your boss about ways in which you view their behavior as problematic and the line you need to hold as a result. For example, “On our site visit last week, I know you thought I was unreasonable for not wanting to go to the strip club. But because those are my values, I need you to know that I will never do that. And if you pressure me again, I will have to decline any more business trips.”

Or perhaps instead, you realize that you have trained your boss to know that he or she can reach you at all hours. So you say, “I know you have gotten used to reaching me at any time, but being available to you has come to mean not being available to my family. So unless there’s an actual crisis – like we are truly about to lose a client – I am not going to answer text messages after I arrive home.”

Again, not helpless.

These steps take practice, especially if you’ve endured years of messages that helped you learn the wrong things. Remember the example of Pooh’s Corner and Eeyore at the opening of Part 1? While we might have loved the stories when we were growing up, none of us sat around and aspired to be like Eeyore! None of us dreamed of throwing our hands up and quitting – even when a better way was right in front of us.

In the end, though, that slide is part of the human condition! We do essentially “learn” that response as we don’t fight it, and as it becomes a habit. But the really promising, hopeful thing about our responses is that we can always learn new ones.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Building Resilience – 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 4)This is the final part of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from… Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 3)This is part 3 of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from our… Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control  (Part 2)This is part 2 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from… Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control This is part 1 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from… Closing Our Money “Worry Windows” Imagine the human mind as a computer screen, with each thought, feeling, or worry as one open window. Now imagine… 10 Things I Would Do Over as a StepmomReaders frequently write in to request help and tips for stepfamilies, and so I am honored to bring you a…

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Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 3)

This is part 3 of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from our life and relationships. In part 1 we explored what learned helplessness is, and in part 2 we used a marriage example to examine what it might look like in our lives. This week and next, we share the six steps to kicking it to the curb in any part of life.

If you missed part 1 and part 2 of this series, you’re going to want to tap the brakes on this part 3, and read those two first. We’re tackling learned helplessness – what we do in response to the false belief that there’s nothing we can do to improve our circumstances (our marriage, our weight, our toxic situation at work, etc.) even when improvements are available. As researchers have pointed out, the pattern can be reversed by recognizing that we are never truly helpless.

Whether things are tough in marriage, health, work, addictions, parenting, or anything else, there are always things we can control.

Of course, a short blog series can’t address every nuance of making the mental switch toward what counselors call “self-agency.” But to get us started, here are the first two of six steps we can take today to pull ourselves out of a passive or helpless mindset and into an active place of resilience and taking more control (in a good way) in our life and relationships. Next week we will cover the last four steps.

Step #1: Learn to spot learned helplessness in the wild

The prerequisite to all other steps is to learn to spot the kinds of statements, complaints, or assumptions that reveal a sense of learned helplessness rather than a healthy sense of control or resilience. As we’ll cover in a moment, although this dynamic can sometimes be more pronounced among those who endured childhood trauma, almost everyone has “learned” helplessness to a greater or lesser degree.

Many of us will incorrectly think this pattern doesn’t affect us. So we first must train ourselves to recognize learned helplessness when we see it. Think of this as a non-emotional, fact-gathering first step. What does learned helplessness sound like in general? This is NOT yet “what does learned helplessness sound like in me?” The hard work of self-examination can come later.

In general, statements born from learned helplessness usually point to a “why bother” reflex – a statement that sounds something like:

“I’ve tried and nothing works so I guess I’ll just resign myself to ______.”

As one helpful learning tool, refer back to part 1 of this blog and review the bullet-pointed statements at the top. Those are all different ways this pattern plays out. (For example: “I’ve tried to lose weight so many times and I just gain it all back. There’s no point in trying.”) Train yourself to spot this dynamic whenever you hear it – whether that is in a friend’s comments, or in something you read or see in the media.

Once I tried to spot this “why bother” or “helpless” reflex in the wild, I started seeing it in places I had never noticed before. (I saw it in myself just last week when a customer service rep “made me late” for a meeting while fumbling to resolve what should have been a quick issue. And then I realized: No one forced me to stay on the line for 45 minutes! A healthier response would have been to politely say, 15 minutes into the call, “I don’t want to be late for a meeting, and I’m going to need to call back. What’s the phone number to reach a supervisor?’”)

Step #2: Be honest about how you display learned helplessness

You know that thing I said about the hard work of self-examination can come later? Well, um, welcome to later. Once you’ve gotten a handle on what “learned helplessness” actually is, you should assume this pattern is in you in some way (since it is in ALL of us in some way), and figure out how it tends to arise in your mindset and life.

Aim questions at yourself to discover what makes you feel helpless. Questions like:

“What makes me feel angry, insecure, or even hopeless, in a way that is perhaps out of proportion to the situation?”“What hits my raw nerves?”What makes me think things won’t or can’t improve?

That may help you find where the helpless feeling lies.

For some people, it will be feeling helpless in the face of something relatively minor (you can’t change your colleague’s laziness, so you feel like you’ll always need to work extra hours). For others it will be something major (your mom’s dementia is never going to get better, you are the only one of your siblings who lives near enough to care for her, and you feel stuck).

Remember: even when we can’t change a situation or another person, there are ALWAYS ways we can change how we respond.

One man I interviewed last year described being constantly at odds with his college-age daughter: “She just pushes all my buttons and I find myself getting SO ANGRY with her. The only thing I can do is to shut up, turn around, and leave the room so I don’t do something I’ll regret.” I asked him how he addressed it with his daughter later, and he paused. “I generally don’t. I can’t solve it, and there’s nothing I can do to make it better, so I stay away from it because I definitely don’t want to make it worse.”

Now, I don’t know his situation, and it is possible that this father is putting up hard-earned boundaries and “staying away” because there truly isn’t anything else he can do. But it is also possible that he has fallen into the trap of learned helplessness, and there actually are steps he can take.

In part 4 we will talk a bit more about what that looks like, but here’s a sneak peek. For example, no matter what, that father can take responsibility for his actions and take captive the negative thoughts that arise in his mind. He can focus on what he can do, including:

Doing his part to mend the relationshipWriting notes or sending texts to his daughter (even if she never responds well)Taking an anger management classInviting his daughter to attend counseling together

My guess is that he is not truly helpless.

A final note for trauma survivors: Be gentle with yourself in this process

Before we close today I want to offer an important thought for trauma survivors. Sometimes, learned helplessness stems not from giving into a simple temptation to be self-focused, but from substantial wounds and difficult, prolonged life cues. For example, perhaps as a young child you had parents who didn’t or couldn’t give you what you needed despite your cries for help. You might have “learned” that your needs were not worth meeting.

They are.

I wish that hadn’t been the message you received. If that is you, please know how sorry I am that you went through what you went through. My heart hurts at the image of you as a child, truly being helpless in the face of pain.

If that dynamic rings true in your life, be gentle with yourself as you begin to think through the ways you, as an adult, have given into a sense of helplessness. While it’s understandable, it also happens to be amplifying one type of pain (the difficulty) with another (the inaccurate sense of helplessness).

So my prayer for you is that this process will help you begin to patiently and courageously identify and disarm the “I am helpless” lies that may have crept in to your heart over time. If you have felt helpless in an abusive relationship of some kind, I hope you will begin to see that even in the very worst of situations, relief and support are always available. Consider seeing a counselor who truly understands trauma and who can help you move forward well.

Come back next week for the final part of this series, where I’ll unpack the last four strategies for how to leave learned helplessness behind.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 3)This is part 3 of a four-part series on how to root out the pattern called “learned helplessness” from our… Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control  (Part 2)This is part 2 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from… Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control This is part 1 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from… Closing Our Money “Worry Windows” Imagine the human mind as a computer screen, with each thought, feeling, or worry as one open window. Now imagine… 10 Things I Would Do Over as a StepmomReaders frequently write in to request help and tips for stepfamilies, and so I am honored to bring you a… Lessons on Perspective in the Dominican RepublicLast month, my staff director Eileen Kirkland and I went on a five-day ministry trip to the Dominican Republic, visiting…

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Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control (Part 2)

This is part 2 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from our life and relationships. In part 1 , we described what this dynamic is and is not. In this part 2, we will look at how it tends to work in real life. In parts 3 and 4, we will offer practical steps to address it, and build a sense of resilience instead.

Last week I described a (very abusive) 1960’s experiment in which dogs who endured shocks without being able to escape were more likely to endure a second round of shocks that they could escape. They were showing what the scientists called “learned helplessness.” While all the other dogs simply jumped over a low wall to get away from the second set of shocks, the “helpless” group endured it and didn’t even try to jump the wall – even though nothing was there to stop them.

In the years since, researchers have discovered that this dynamic affects every one of us to some degree or another. It may be running under the surface when we can’t seem to stop ourselves from watching that steamy movie – even though we know it’s probably not healthy for us. It may be in play when we throw up our hands and say to our spouse, “Fine, you do it your way,” because we assume they will never listen. It could be part of the reason why we feel sorry for ourselves at work, but still put up with a toxic boss.

Learned helplessness, if left unchecked, can end up derailing a life or a marriage.

There are many ways this plays out, many causes (for example, childhood trauma), and many different ways to address it – and a short blog series can’t do them all justice. But to get us started, let’s look at just one common real-life example of what learned helplessness might look like, and the big-picture solution.

What does this look like in “real life?”

Learned helplessness appears in many ways, in part because of a truth that researchers were surprised by but will be familiar to any reader of the Bible: our default setting as humans is often an immature, self-interested response like passivity or self-pity when things go wrong.

Let’s examine a common pattern in marriage, using the example of a representative couple I’ll call Tom and Kim.

Tom is fed up with being corrected by Kim on everything from how he loads the dishwasher (“The plates go this way.”) to how he plans dates (“Why is it always hamburgers and action movies with you?”) to what he and the kids had for dinner when she went out with friends. (“The kids told me they had pizza and soda and ice cream. No wonder their tummies hurt.”)

So Tom quits trying. He feels like his best efforts to help, plan dates, and have fun with his kids aren’t the right ones, so he develops a passive, “why bother” attitude. He shuts down at home, thinking “what’s the point in trying?” He’s “learned” that he cannot change his situation no matter how hard he works (which isn’t true, but he thinks it is).

On her side, Kim feels lonely in the marriage. Tom consistently withdraws to his “man cave” instead of talking to Kim whenever he is tired from work (which is often) or in a bad mood. She gets upset and seeks reassurance, but rarely gets what she needs. She feels helpless and like nothing will change, so she retreats to the safety of spending most of her time with her kids and at work rather than trying to connect with her husband. And she vents regularly in an online group with other women who have gone through challenging relationships. After all, they will listen to her, give her a shoulder to cry on, and validate her feelings.

As regular blog readers will know, roughly 75% to 85% of men and women have different “raw nerves” that a spouse can hit without intending to. There are exceptions (about 15-25% depending on the survey), but the most “raw” insecurity of men tends to be “Am I any good at what I DO?” while that of women tends to be “Am I loveable? Does he REALLY love me?” Thus, her regular “corrections” about his performance and his regular disappearances from her presence really hit each other’s raw nerves. In the face of that repeated pain – and feeling like they can’t do anything to stop it – it is not surprising that both shut down and feel helpless.

To Kim, her observations about plates, dinner dates, and junk food seem like just that: observations. But to Tom, they’re electric shocks that jolt his primary insecurity over and over again, with no way out.

To Tom, his disappearance to his “man cave” is just a way to chill out when he is tired; he assumes Kim knows he loves her. But to her, they are electric shocks that jolt her primary insecurity and there’s nothing she can do.

The safest thing, each of them thinks, is to avoid triggering the shock in the first place by not getting close to the source of electricity. After all, they think, if we can’t change anything, it is better to avoid the whole situation by shutting down.

We can always change something

I need to say directly that there is nothing wrong with expecting a spouse to care enough to work hard to give us what we need and avoid causing us pain! In fact, it is a related but different topic (see this recent blog for more) that most spouses do care, and don’t want to cause us pain.

The issue is: what do we do in the face of that pain? What do we do when, either through cluelessness, confusion, or laziness, someone (our spouse or anyone else) is making life pretty hard?  As you have no doubt heard many times, we cannot change someone else, we can only change ourselves. And that’s the key. We need to ask what we can do.

What’s the way out?

So in our marriage example, how do Tom or Kim jump the low wall to avoid the shocks?

The starting point is a mind shift. Turns out, as we said last week, learned helplessness is a misnomer. Our human default is to feel stuck, hopeless, like a victim, self-pitying. We might get passive in response, we might get angry, we might vent. But the ‘stuck’ feeling is natural. What isn’t natural is what we have to do to overcome it: we learn a healthy sense of control. We learn that there is always something we can do, even if there are also things we need to accept. We are not helpless. We can train ourselves out of helplessness in the particular area where we are tempted to give up.

(In fact, not to nerd out on the brain science, but it’s the very presence of healthy control that cues our brains not to slide into the Eeyore-type mood changes that make us feel doomed or “stuck.”)

Thus, Tom and Kim need to realize that they are not helpless and that there are healthy things they can do. For example, using my own research as a starting point, one or both of them might ask the other person to read and discuss the “Insecurity” or “Reassurance” chapters in For Women Only and For Men Only for increased understanding of how they can avoid causing each other pain. Or perhaps they ask their spouse to attend counseling together. (And if their spouse will not, they can always go on their own to understand what they themselves can work on.)

Or maybe Tom and/or Kim decide to create boundaries. And the boundaries could be with themselves (“I realize I need to limit my time in that online group; there’s a pressure to complain more than to encourage.”) or with one another (“I know you don’t mean to sound so critical about what I did with the kids, but that’s what it feels like and it hurts. Can you moderate your tone a bit, so we can continue this conversation?”)

Whether it is marriage, work, a personal compulsion, or anything else, there are always things we can do.

So that is an example of how this “learned helplessness” dynamic works. In parts 3 and 4 we will cover the six steps that will help us overcome this pattern, and build a better one.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Building Resilience — 6 Tips to Trade Helplessness for Healthy Control

This is part 1 of a four-part series on how to root out a sneaky pattern called “learned helplessness” from our life and relationships, and create resilience instead. We have never done a four-part series before, but are doing it this time because this concept has many practical applications across all of life.

In the Winnie the Pooh series, Eeyore had a detachable tail, which he often lost. He was once asked to suggest a prize for whoever found it.

“I’d say thistles, but nobody listens to me anyway,” Eeyore moaned.

Once, when the tail was found and Christopher Robin asked if he’d attached it back on properly, the downcast donkey said, “No matter, (I’ll) most likely lose it again anyway.”

It’s classic Eeyore. But is it classic … us? Have we developed patterns in our life and relationships that sound like this?

“I’ve tried to lose weight so many times and I just gain it all back. There’s no point in trying.”“Nothing I do is good enough for my wife. I’ll just let her do everything her way.”“My supervisor keeps undermining me, and I can’t make the situation better. I’m stuck.”“I’ve tried and failed to quit smoking so many times. It’s time to just resign myself to being a smoker.”“If I hadn’t had kids and had to drop out of college, maybe my finances would be okay – but I did, and they aren’t.”“It’s not fair that these bad things happened to me, and keep happening, no matter what I do.”“Nothing’s going to make a difference in this depression, so why bother going to counseling?”

And even (recognize this one?):

There’s no one else to make the food for the school event (or women’s conference, or neighborhood party), so I have to do it again even though I don’t want to.

Researchers and psychologists call this “learned helplessness” and this tendency affects all of us to some degree – usually without us even realizing it. Whether as the result of trauma (a common cause) or any other reason, this dynamic in someone’s life is almost like a train that is speeding down the tracks with a bent or broken axle. If not noticed and addressed, it could get worse every time there’s a shock to the system. Eventually, there could be a derailment and all sorts of tragedies that never had to happen.

Not to mention that simply living with a bent axle – a feeling of being helpless in the face of pain – is no fun even if it doesn’t end up causing a derailment! Nobody wants to be or feel like a victim. And nobody wants their loved ones to feel that way either. Learning resilience is far healthier than learning helplessness.

So in this part 1, let’s tackle what learned helplessness actually is – and is not. In part 2, we’ll discuss how it might be affecting us and/or those we love, and in parts 3 and 4, we’ll tackle how to consistently create a more healthy, hopeful, and resilient response.

What Is learned helplessness?

Learned helplessness is basically handling things with a sense of futility in the face of difficulty, because we don’t think we can bring about change. It may mean quitting, checking out, getting angry, feeling sorry for ourselves, becoming passive, or dozens of other responses – but the underlying feeling is a sense of helplessness and futility.

This dynamic was first documented by two researchers in the 1960s who conditioned dogs to endure electric shocks. (Awful, I know. My entire staff cringes at this because they all have dogs they are crazy about – even my speaking agent Nicole, who has a stubborn Frenchie that, let’s say, only a dog lover could love.) Although this experiment would never be allowed today, it nevertheless revealed something important.

Here’s how they did it. At the outset of the experiment, there were three groups of dogs:

1) a control group that was not shocked

2) a group that was shocked but could act to make it stop

3) a group that was shocked with no way to make it stop.

Then, later in the experiment, all three groups were shocked and – here’s the key – all three could escape the shock if they jumped a low wall. Groups 1 and 2 jumped the wall. But group 3, the ones who had been shocked with no way of escaping, simply endured the discomfort until it stopped. They had developed a sort of quitting or victim response. The researchers called it learned helplessness.

We all have this dynamic – because it’s not actually “learned”

In the half-century since that study, other researchers have found just how susceptible all of us are to this tendency. (The human version of this experiment often involves people being exposed to loud noises.) I’ve seen it in my own research many times, and it is likely that you have seen or felt it too.

Why is it so widespread? The bottom line is that the word “learned” is the wrong word. Scientists eventually “discovered” a truth about human nature that the Bible has described all along. We don’t actually “learn” dynamics like discouragement, helplessness, or a sinful sense of self-pity, anger, or passivity. Those are the default of the human condition and of living in a broken world. (I’ll keep using the phrase “learned helplessness,” though, since that is still the official name for this pattern.)

Sometimes the implications of this “default setting” are relatively minor: “You never like it when I fold the laundry that way, so fine, I’m out. You can do the laundry from now on.” Or perhaps we always agree to taking too many late-night work shifts because we feel like we have no choice if we want to stay in the boss’s good graces.

But sometimes the implications are much more serious: “Nothing I do is ever good enough for my spouse, so I’m just going to check out and focus on work or parenting, where I feel good at what I do.” Or we give in to an addictive compulsion that hurts our life, work, or relationships, because we feel powerless and give up trying to address it.

As you can imagine, it’s far better to “catch” this mindset early on, and figure out how to learn resilience instead.

What learned helplessness is not

Those of you who follow the blog regularly may be saying, “But Shaunti! You just told us a few months ago to accept what we cannot change!” And you’d be right!

Learned helplessness is not the same as the pattern we unpacked in that three-part series on grief and acceptance. As we discussed in part 2 of that series, sometimes we do have to accept hard things. In the example I shared about my post-cancer dietary regimen, I have had to grieve and accept that I will never again be able to eat the bread-based carbs that I love. Do miss donuts? Boy, do I ever! But am I helpless? Nope. I’m learning to love seasoned, roasted cauliflower and other yummy foods that support my health.

Do you see the difference?

Learned helplessness says: Well, I guess I’ll never eat my favorite foods ever again so why bother trying to find foods I like.

Acceptance says: I have so many options. I’ll enjoy other tasty foods that improve my odds of remaining healthy.

With learned helplessness, people endure discomfort even though they could change it. With acceptance, people acknowledge their reality – even if it has limitations – and move on to live a rich, full life.

So that is what learned helplessness actually is. In Part 2, we will cover what it looks like in real life and what to do about it.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

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