Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 5

Merry Christmas, From my Team to You!

This week I’ve invited my staff to share a favorite tradition or memory, and you will not be disappointed! From a simple nativity set that meant something big to a little girl, to a Stretch Armstrong action figure that actually stretched so far it broke, enjoy the humor and heartwarming memories from my team, with a special note from me at the end. – Shaunti

Nicole Owens, Speaking Agent

I bet you didn’t know there was a ladybug in the nativity. There’s one in mine anyway. A small glass manger scene that I kept on my window sill in my childhood—ladybug included—would look very much at home in a flea market or secondhand store today.

This simple nativity takes me back to when I was a girl with so many questions. What happens when we die? Is there a God? I got confusing answers ranging from the biological (“We decompose,”) to theories (“Man invented God to make us feel better about things we’re afraid of,”) to comparisons that likened God to mythological Greek gods. I knew there had to be more than decomposition, fiction, and Zeus riding across the sky in a chariot.

These little figurines were beautiful to my little eyes. I think they also spoke a truth to my young, seeking heart. When I actually realized the real meaning of both Easter and Christmas as a freshman in college, it was such a holy moment.

I might just keep them out this year. I’ll tell the story to my kids. I’ll answer all their questions with truth and life. And I’ll tell them how God does ride across the heavens—but, like Deuteronomy 33:26 says, He does it looking to help us.

Eileen Kirkland, Staff and Operations Director

As far as Christmas traditions go, ours is pretty simple. After a season of get-togethers, volunteering, and church activities, we spend Christmas together, just the four of us. We don’t need fancy clothing (we stay in our pajamas all day, even for a nice dinner in the dining room using our Christmas China) and we don’t place expectations on each other. We can play with our gifts, watch silly movies, or nap. The only non-negotiables are sleeping in (yes, my kids did this even when they were young), and then eating homemade chocolate waffles while we open presents.

To me, our simple family tradition points to Jesus as the Prince of Peace. If you’re like me, it can be tempting to hurry through the season and miss this—ultimately “celebrating” His birth by being anything but peaceful. So on this day, we have what Jesus promises us: Peace, in the middle of whatever else is going on.

Amy Masaschi, Executive Assistant

My parents grew up in West Texas. Lubbock to be exact. If you’ve ever traveled west of the Caprock on 1-20 then you know how brown, flat and utterly desolate the plains are. But what the area lacks in topography, it more than makes up for in memories.

Despite weeping and gnashing of teeth from us kids, every other December we flew out to where the prairie dogs roam and the tumbleweeds blow. From Christmas Eve services at my grandmother’s church (an unusual European-style gothic cathedral) and dinners at Furr’s Cafeteria to browsing the aisles at Hasting’s music store, we city slickers made the most of a sleepy town. My brother and I dreaded it every time.

Yet, I look back fondly now on the unique experiences with my extended family. Today, my family all reside in Atlanta, and although it’s an equally special time of making new Yuletide memories, I wish my kids could experience the blessings of a slow(er) West Texas Christmas.

Especially the tumbleweed.

Samantha Griggs, Digital Content Manager

Each Sunday evening in December, a tight-knit group of our family friends used to gather in what can only be described as “organized chaos.” Over the years, Christmas lights fell due to our spirited, multi-family football matches. Children’s antics formed the backdrop to adults sharing spiritual truths. We didn’t know it, but our Advent tradition with family friends was forming unbreakable bonds.

Cancer showed us just how unbreakable they were.

One of the beloved dads from our circle fought cancer bravely before finding peace in the arms of Jesus five years ago. In one of our last conversations, Kirk imparted a wish that would forever change the way I viewed Advent. He asked for us to be a consistent presence in his family’s life. Our gatherings never were about maintaining perfect traditions but fostering a presence—being there for each other, in joy and sorrow. As I honor my friend Kirk’s memory, I am reminded of the consistent presence he asked us to have.

Really what he asked for is the essence of what Jesus holds out to us every day. Presence. He came as a baby more than 2,000 years ago. And He is with us always.

Kristy Floyd, Blog Coordinator

Every year, we continue a tradition my mother started for me: We buy ornaments that represent each of us for the year. In recent years I have found that this simple practice isn’t so much about each new ornament on the tree. Rather, the many ornaments collected over time reflect the growth, battles, promises kept, and the true goodness of God.

In our home we call the ornaments our Ebenezer stones, which refers to 1 Samuel 7:12 in the Old Testament:

“Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, saying, ‘Thus far the Lord has helped us.’ “

Thus far the Lord has helped us. We see it in our tree. We see it in our family. And my hope is that you, our readers, will see how God has helped you, too.

Laurie Davies, Lead Editor

Why I wanted a Stretch Armstrong action figure, I’ll never know. Most girls my age wanted Barbies. But TV commercials had their way with me and I wanted him. I coveted him. And one Christmas, I got him. The minute I read the packaging, I became a girl with a goal. Stretch Armstrong was billed as unbreakable, so naturally, I stretched, twisted, and contorted him into all manner of unhuman positions.

Then one day Stretch broke! And you know what? He was just full of gooey stuff.

Looking back, I wish I would have let Stretch just live in peace on my bookshelf. He would remind me that we have an enemy who tries to stretch us to the brink, too. Satan may stretch, twist, and try to contort us in this life, but unlike that gooey, gel-filled dude doll of my youth, we will always default to our position as a protected, treasured child of God.

If you feel stretched this holiday season, remember that the God is always—always—forming us into who He wants us to be. Unlike a certain 8-year-old girl, God never stretches us, or allows us to be stretched, in order to break us. He always, only wants us to grow.

Shaunti Feldhahn

Christmases in my parents’ cabin in the remote mountains of Virginia made for the stuff of postcard memories in my kids’ growing-up years. Nestled right up to Shenandoah National Park, the cabin was blissfully secluded from cell service. Our whole family, often including my brother and his family from Singapore, would gather in front of roaring fires in the fireplace while snow fell outside. It was simply idyllic.

Until one Christmas Eve when it wasn’t.

As we stood to sing the final carol at my parents’ little country church for Christmas Eve services, I looked over to see my almost 11-year-old son Luke was having a massive grand mal seizure. We had no idea that Luke had epilepsy.

His seizure subsided, but I can still remember the agonizing ride in my minivan, trying to keep up with an ambulance that raced through winding mountain roads to get Luke 45 miles to the nearest town with a hospital. Even though there was a long journey ahead, that Christmas there was a lot of gratitude that Luke was okay.

Times have changed for our family, just like they may have for yours. My parents sold that cabin in 2018, following my dad’s stroke, and he is now in heaven. Every Christmas since that one has been filled with gratitude for what God has done to bring all of us through. And at the end of the day (and the season) I remain convinced that gratitude is a game-changer for all of life.

Merry Christmas, friends. I am grateful for you. I never take you for granted, and it really is my heart to bring this blog—and all the communications from our ministry, whether it’s Instagram posts, Facebook posts, or new, exciting developments (stay tuned on that in 2025!) to provide doable, practical help for your lives and relationships.

May you find gratitude even in unexpected places this season.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Merry Christmas, From my Team to You! This week I’ve invited my staff to share a favorite tradition or memory, and you will not be disappointed! From… The 12 Days of Christmas Break: Connect with Your Kids This Holiday SeasonTechnically, the 12 Days of Christmas don’t start until Christmas Day. But for parents about to embark on the no-school,… Are You “Falling Out of Love” … or is it Burnout?This week, I am delighted to invite my colleague and friend, Dr. Jonathan Hoover, Ph.D., into this space. Not only… Try a New Spin on Thankfulness This ThanksgivingThanksgiving is in two days. This sent a jolt of panic just now through those of you hosting family gatherings!… 5 Powerful Ways to Stop Arguments Before They StartRemember the “Wear this, not that” memes that made the rounds years ago? I’m taking a page from that playbook… 3 Steps to Take When the Wife Earns MoreSam and Rachel, a couple we interviewed in our research, were navigating an income pattern that is increasingly common today:…

The post Merry Christmas, From my Team to You!  appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The 12 Days of Christmas Break: Connect with Your Kids This Holiday Season

Technically, the 12 Days of Christmas don’t start until Christmas Day. But for parents about to embark on the no-school, altered-schedule, too-much-travel, lots-of-sugar season (a.k.a. Christmas break), the holidays are coming in hot.

This year, let’s aim higher than barely scratching through the season with our sanity intact. Let’s purposefully use this time to create connection with our kids. There are endless ways to do this, but here’s a starter list I’m affectionately calling The 12 Days of Christmas Break:

Day 1: Talk about family traditions

Some family traditions are so set in stone that we’re ankle deep in the cement and don’t even realize it –much less examine other options. You and your sister and your kids always make hundreds of elaborately-decorated Christmas cookies together a few weeks before Christmas. This year, ask for your kids’ input. What traditions do they like or not like? What ideas do they have?

Try to withhold your opinions. (Cement, remember?) Instead use the time to listen. In my research for For Parents Only, we found that kids often stop talking because they perceive parents as rotten listeners. They’ll open up, however, when we’re safe. By listening to your kids’ thoughts on minor things, you’ll open the door for them to trust you with harder conversations.

Day 2: Set a peaceful tone at home

Most kids enjoy the Christmas season, but it can be stressful. The Christmas ballet dress rehearsal and the World History final and making Christmas cookies with Aunt Molly are all this Tuesday. And you have plenty going on, too! So do a few simple things to purposefully establish your home as a place for relaxation. Place soft, comfy blankets near the couch, dim the lights so that the Christmas tree lights are prominent, play holiday music, and be okay with the fact that your kids’ finals study sheets are still strewn all over the kitchen table when your sister arrives. Whatever makes sense in your space, give your kids the gift of a peaceful home.

Day 3: Watch what your kids watch

Whether your kids are into cartoons, Hallmark movies, sports, or something in-between, let them pick the show (within appropriate reason). Then sit and watch it with them—with your phone docked in a different room. This a great chance to unwind and connect. And if there are things that interest or concern you about the show’s content, use dinnertime, bedtime, or car time as an opportunity to discuss it.

Day 4: Do a side-by-side activity

Kids (especially boys) sometimes connect best with us when we’re side-by-side. So, think of a few activities that don’t involve face-to-face interaction—things like taking a walk, building Lego creations, or decorating the tree.

As they get older, this side-by-side approach will pay off in other ways, too. In my two-part blog series on “snowplow parenting” (a must-read if you tend to clear your kids’ paths of all pitfalls or inconveniences) I mentioned that experts recommend walking parallel to our kids. This means we share wisdom when needed, but we allow our kids to fumble and try.

Day 5: Let them invite friends

If you plan an outing such as a movie or bowling, ask your kids to invite a friend or two along. This is a great way to help them foster friendships, as well as learn more about your kids and their friends. As most of you figured out very early on, it’s amazing what you can learn in the driver’s seat of your car simply by listening to what they talk about and what’s important to them.

Day 6: Keep blank space in your schedule

It’s easy to over-engineer Christmas break. This year, try to leave plenty of margin. Block off entire days as “free days” for your kids to have autonomy over what they do.

When working on For Parents Only, we found that three out of four kids (especially teens) are strongly motivated to pursue freedom. In other words, freedom is what gets them up and going in the morning. So ensure they have some space and the ability to choose their own activities for a good portion of their break.

Day 7: Let your kids own their gift-giving

Speaking of freedom, give your kids full freedom to select gifts for others. If they’re younger, you can help by taking them to the store and guiding them toward thoughtful items, but if your child can drive, let them take full ownership.

Giving them some additional funds to work with is one thing, but actually buying gifts for them to give to others is actually snowplow parenting. Plus, it runs counter to any lessons you have been imparting about generosity or gratitude.

Day 8: Take a tech break

Have everyone—and that includes you!—put their phones in a basket for a specified amount of time. Then do something creative that doesn’t involve a screen, such as playing board games, making a gingerbread house, or taking gifts to your neighbors. Just be sure to let your family know about this plan ahead of time to avoid grouchy reactions in the moment! (After all, perhaps with that freedom we mentioned your son may have been right in the middle of a group text string with his friends, trying to plan a movie outing.)

Day 9: Go on a scavenger hunt—for joy

Inspired from a children’s book I wrote with my former senior editor Katie Kenny Phillips, called Let’s Find Joy, the basic idea here is to go sleuthing for joy during a season that can be stressful. For example, if you have younger kids, consider going on a scavenger hunt (at the river park, at the mall), where you collect or take pictures of things that show how creative and big God is. With each item, ask your kids to share what it says to them. For example, seeing the woman in the nurse’s scrubs out Christmas shopping reminds them of the time when God took care of them in the hospital.

While you’re at it, simply pick up a copy of Let’s Find Joy. Its pages are based on my women’s devotional Find Joy. Both books make great Christmas gifts and they reinforce the eight core principles that can help us all find joy in our uncertain world.

Day 10: Show kindness to others

Once we find joy, we want to spread it! One of the best ways to bond as a family is to spread joy to others. Look for ways to show kindness, such as serving at a homeless shelter or visiting shut-ins at a nursing home. Not only will you spend quality time with your kids, but you’ll model the impact of kindness.

Day 11: Serve together at your church

If your church has Christmas Eve or expanded weekend services for Christmas, sign up to serve together. Church attendance is much higher during this season, and that multiplies the need for servant-hearted helpers. So, find out where the needs are greatest, whether holding babies in the nursery or welcoming people at the door, and step in. Let your children pick if possible.

Day 12: Plan a 30-day kindness challenge

With the new year fast approaching, make plans as a family to start the year off right. Plan a 30-day kindness challenge together. My book, The Kindness Challenge, is also a great place to start for ideas—and the research behind them that makes them work. For a more at-a-glance approach, check out this guest blog adaptation of The Kindness Challenge for kids.

So that’s it. A 12-day plan to connect with your kids over Christmas break. Try all twelve or focus on just one or two ideas that make sense for your family. Building stronger connections with our kids is a great Christmas present for everyone involved.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: The 12 Days of Christmas Break: Connect with Your Kids This Holiday SeasonTechnically, the 12 Days of Christmas don’t start until Christmas Day. But for parents about to embark on the no-school,… Are You “Falling Out of Love” … or is it Burnout?This week, I am delighted to invite my colleague and friend, Dr. Jonathan Hoover, Ph.D., into this space. Not only… Try a New Spin on Thankfulness This ThanksgivingThanksgiving is in two days. This sent a jolt of panic just now through those of you hosting family gatherings!… 5 Powerful Ways to Stop Arguments Before They StartRemember the “Wear this, not that” memes that made the rounds years ago? I’m taking a page from that playbook… 3 Steps to Take When the Wife Earns MoreSam and Rachel, a couple we interviewed in our research, were navigating an income pattern that is increasingly common today:… The Encouraging Secret that Will Transform Your Election Season – Part 2Well, not surprisingly, there are intense feelings about the election. As was true in last week’s Part 1 of this…

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Are You “Falling Out of Love” … or is it Burnout?

This week, I am delighted to invite my colleague and friend, Dr. Jonathan Hoover, Ph.D., into this space. Not only is he a pastor and an encourager and advisor for this ministry, but he is also a fellow data nerd! Intrigued by his research into burnout for his recent release, Stress Fracture , I asked Jonathan to do a guest blog on how to avoid burnout in marriage. Also, do yourself a huge favor and catch his brand new podcast, The Dr. Jonathan Hoover Show (or listen on any of your regular podcast sources). Enjoy! – Shaunti

By Jonathan Hoover, Ph.D.

In the early years of my marital counseling ministry, some coworkers would give me a hard time about the “loud” sessions in my office. Usually, these sessions were loud because the couples I counseled had anger issues and struggled to communicate. My job was to help them talk to each other more effectively and “turn down the volume” on the emotional intensity.

But it wasn’t the loud ones that bothered me. It was the quietest ones that had me worried.

Here’s why: Some couples had grown so tired of trying to make things work that they didn’t even feel anger anymore. The bright colors of their marriage had faded into a cold, gray numbness. Often, this happens to individuals, especially women, who have been carrying the weight of an unhealthy marriage alone. By the time their partner realizes there’s an issue, they sit across from me and say, “I’d love to feel something again and work on this, but I don’t think I love him anymore.”

The husband is desperate to fix things, but there’s no switch to flip that brings back her engagement. That’s why those were my scariest appointments.

For years, I struggled to understand why people would “fall out of love” with their spouse, especially when both partners still wanted to work things out. Then, as I completed my graduate work in psychology, God helped me connect the dots. I’d been studying burnout, writing about it in my dissertation, and focusing on it in my academic research. Most burnout research centers on work: productivity, chronic stress, and coping strategies. But gradually, it dawned on me that the couples sitting in my office weren’t falling out of love—they were experiencing marital burnout.

Three Stages of burnout

Here’s a quick primer on how burnout works: It happens when someone faces relentless stress for too long. We call this chronic stress. Unlike stressors that come and go, chronic stress sticks around. Chronic stress doesn’t resolve; it revolves, showing up again tomorrow just like it did today. And marital issues are a prime example. Until a couple seeks help, a significant marital problem is a persistent battle that never goes away.

When burnout happens, three stages typically unfold (this model is based on the work of Dr. Christina Maslach, a leading burnout researcher).

Stage 1: Emotional exhaustion

The first stage is emotional exhaustion. In this stage, you’re drained of emotional energy. The feelings that once connected you to your spouse are replaced by numbness. When you’re emotionally exhausted, three things happen:

you struggle to access your true feelingsyou can’t respond to others’ feelingsyou have trouble regulating your emotions

The latter point is partly due to the brain areas affected by burnout (I go into more depth about this in my book, Stress Fracture), but the key takeaway is that burnout disrupts emotional balance. And in a relationship that’s already strained, this can be a tipping point.

Stage 2: Depersonalization

The second stage is depersonalization. When you’re too exhausted to handle your stress, it’s normal to start shutting down and pulling back. While a natural response, it’s also a red flag. When people experience depersonalization, they withdraw from the people and activities they once loved, sometimes becoming untrusting, cynical, and disengaged.

Stage 3: Feelings of failure

Finally, burnout brings feelings of failure. Dr. Maslach calls this “reduced feelings of personal accomplishment.” When you’re running on empty and notice yourself pulling back, it’s common to feel failure and shame. You’re aware that you’re not living up to your own ideals, and that can lead to a downward spiral of self-doubt and despair.

Now, when I think about the couples who told me they’d fallen out of love, I see a different picture. Most likely, they were emotionally exhausted, had begun to withdraw from the relationship, and were feeling a profound sense of defeat.

The good news is that if you or someone you know is dealing with marital burnout, there’s hope. We are growing in our understanding of burnout, and, as a result, we are able to share clear steps to address it. Here are three essential strategies for fighting marital burnout:

Step #1: Self-Care

One of the first steps in battling burnout is to invest in self-care—physically, emotionally, and spiritually. Consider making appointments with a doctor, a therapist, and a pastor. Addressing these three areas can pay big dividends in your journey to heal. Each small improvement in physical health, emotional resilience, or spiritual well-being helps replenish the energy that burnout depletes, and gives you more margin to handle things well instead of poorly.

Step #2: Stress Reduction

Some marital stress is inevitable; every relationship has its share of challenges that come from sharing life with another imperfect person. However, unaddressed stress over the long term is not just annoying—it is what eventually leads to marital burnout. So make sure your marriage isn’t starved of time and attention. And  evaluate the pressures on your marriage and find ways to lighten the load where possible.

For example, if you’re constantly disagreeing and stressed due to that ever-present in-law situation, but never get the space to sit down over coffee and hear each other’s hearts, it may be tempting to just “put up with” the stress. It is one thing to not major on the minors and choose to let things go. But if a situation is unresolved and causing constant stress it’s not minor: be proactive in seeking help to address it.

Step #3: Start Over

In Revelation, God speaks to a church that had worked itself into exhaustion, losing its passionate love in the process. He tells them: “Look how far you have fallen! Turn back to me and do the works you did at first…” (Revelation 2:5a, NLT). God is reminding them to return to the actions that once fueled their love.

In marriage, this means asking: What things did you do when you first fell in love? Before life got so busy, what brought you closer together? Early on, it may have seemed effortless to make time for fun, laughter, and togetherness. But as the years pass, those things stop happening automatically. In the beginning, these actions are instinctive, but for a relationship to endure, they must become intentional.

If you’re burned out in your marriage, you don’t have to stay that way. It’s absolutely possible to rekindle the feelings that have faded. I see it all the time. So start by taking care of yourself, reducing stress wherever you can, and intentionally bringing back the activities that energized your relationship in the beginning. If you’re willing to invest the effort, I believe you’ll be pleasantly surprised at the results.

Jonathan Hoover, Ph.D. is the senior associate pastor at NewSpring Church in Wichita, Kansas. He is also an assistant professor at Regent University, where he teaches, among other classes, a course on the integration of psychology and Christianity. A third-generation pastor, his specific research interest is clergy burnout and self-care.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Try a New Spin on Thankfulness This Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is in two days.

This sent a jolt of panic just now through those of you hosting family gatherings! Will there be sufficient room in the oven? Did I buy enough potatoes? Will everyone get along?  

Others are reading these words in a busy airport, navigating stress and crowds in order to spend the holiday with loved ones.

Still others felt warm inside just now because Thanksgiving—and the moment it provides to pause and thank God for all He has done—is your very favorite holiday.

What if we prepared our hearts for Thanksgiving in a slightly different way this year? What if we thanked God for all we don’t even know He has done? There are innumerable ways God has protected us that we have never seen. Psalm 91:11 says God commands His angels to guard us! I like the NLT version, which says:

              “For he will order his angels to protect you wherever you go.”

As a parent prevents a toddler from getting burned or running into traffic that his little eyes simply do not see, so our God so often protects us, and dispatches His angels to guard us. Yes, we have had heartbreaks and injuries and distress in this broken world—Jesus told us those would come—but think about how many we never had to face simply because He protected or rerouted us with His good, guiding hand.

This idea is the subject of the Day 14 devotion in my latest devotional book Find Hope , which I’m sharing with you in full below as a Thanksgiving encouragement from me to you. May you “find hope” in a God who is always active on your behalf. And perhaps this year around your Thanksgiving tables, you can even spend a few minutes imagining all that God has protected you from that you haven’t been able to see.

Enjoy!

How Do You Know He Hasn’t?

The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. (Deuteronomy 31:8 NIV)

When you’re a public speaker, losing your voice is a problem. And in 2019, for the first time in fifteen years, I showed up for a marriage event with complete laryngitis—I could barely whisper. Even worse, although he was able to hide it, Jeff was miserable from a bad cold. We usually lead marriage retreats together, but the entire weekend was going to be on his feverish shoulders.

We had prayed for healing, and our hopes were dashed. I hated Jeff having to carry everything and hated disappointing the attendees and the event organizers, who were close friends. If I’m being really transparent, I was also sad that the retreat center itself was not seeing us at our best, since we’d hoped they might invite us to lead several marriage retreats the next year.

You’ve probably had hopes dashed, too. You desperately prayed for your restaurant to bring in enough revenue this weekend but it didn’t happen. You tried so hard to stay off the layoff list but got the pink slip anyway.

This is often our cry: Why doesn’t God stop these bad things from happening?!

That disappointing weekend, this thought dropped into my heart: How do you know He hasn’t?

Suddenly, God brought to mind fifteen years of events that had never before been interrupted. I thought of many events where I’d been under the weather but had miraculous energy when I walked onstage. With a jolt, I realized that although this situation was awkward, it was happening at a marriage event for close friends who would lead attendees to handle it with humor and grace. If this was going to happen, I probably would have chosen it to be at this event. (With apologies to our friends!)

How do you know He hasn’t? God clearly has stopped bad things from happening time and time again in our lives. As I began tallying up the visible ways God had protected us, rather than the ways He hadn’t, the list expanded. Perhaps He had prevented things like car accidents, disease, heartbreak, tragedy. Wait … perhaps? Given that the enemy circles like a roaring lion in order to devour us (I Peter 5:8), it is almost certain that God has prevented a host of devastating problems that we will not know about until heaven.

Guess what happens when we begin thinking on that, friends? The only thing that is dashed is despair! Because gratitude and hope are built.

Shaunti’s “Find” devotionals make great Christmas gifts! Elegant, succinct, and scriptural, these books are filled with daily, a-ha moments that inspire lasting change. The newest title, Find Hope, released in 2024, joins Find Joy (perfect for Christmas), Find Peace (perfect for moms) and her bestselling title in the series, Find Rest.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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5 Powerful Ways to Stop Arguments Before They Start

Remember the “Wear this, not that” memes that made the rounds years ago?

I’m taking a page from that playbook to look at five ways to stop arguments before they start—phrases we can use to work with, rather than against, our spouse when conflicts arise.

I’d recommend you literally stash these as a cheat sheet in your purse, wallet, or some easy-to-grab location, and then use them liberally in the heat of the moment.

Say this: “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me.”Not that: “You’re always so insensitive (or forgetful, or selfish)!”

All of our survey results over the last twenty years confirm that most married couples care deeply about their spouse. Of course there are some sad outliers, but statistically this is close to airtight. In fact, in our nationally-representative surveys for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages 99.26% truly cared about their mate and wanted the best for them, even during painful times.

Thus, it’s probably also true that your spouse doesn’t mean to hurt you with:

the careless comment made about you in front of the in-lawsthe dinner date he missed because his golf game went longthe way she contradicted or corrected you in front of the kids

Using this “I know you didn’t mean to hurt me” phrase—both in your internal self-talk and your external talk—assumes the best in your spouse and seasons your speech with grace.

Say this: “Help me understand ____.”Not that: “Why on earth did you ____?”

An example might bring the power of the phrase, “help me understand” to life. Imagine a married couple whose teenage son Steven got caught in childish, disruptive prank at school.

Wife (with hands on hips): “Why did you lift Steven’s grounding? You know I grounded him with good reason!”

Husband: “If you would ask me in a different way I might tell you. Anyway, who appointed you dictator of our home?” (Huffs outside to garage.)

Ugh. Mom’s on the warpath, dad’s on the defensive, and the really great reason for lifting Steven’s punishment goes entirely undiscussed. Now, imagine the conversation going this way:

Wife (trying to keep her voice even): “I was really startled when you lifted Steven’s grounding earlier. Help me understand what you were thinking on that.”

Husband: “The principal called me at work and said Steven volunteered to stay after school to organize supplies for the teacher whose class was disrupted by his prank. He also made an appointment to assure the principal it wouldn’t happen again. I was so proud of him. But I’m sorry—I should have talked to you before making the decision.”

A more generous explanation was there all along!

In marriage conflict (or any relationship conflict), the phrase “help me understand” assumes not only that a more generous explanation exists, but that we’re interested in finding it.

Being in “help-me-understand” mode doesn’t mean you shouldn’t express how you feel. But it leads into the discussion from a place of humility and curiosity.

Say this: “We’re on the same side!”Not that: “I can’t believe you thought ____ about me!”

This “same side” phrase comes in handy if you tend to get defensive. I’m reminded of a woman who approached me at a speaking event years ago and confessed that defend and deflect were her strategies early in her marriage. Her husband always felt helpless to keep their conversations from spiraling downward. Finally, in one heated discussion, he blurted out: “We’re on the same side!”

The moment was so significant, she even remembers what she was wearing.

“I didn’t realize I was so defensive all the time,” she confessed.

If you or your spouse turn to defensiveness, this is a key predictor that your marriage is headed for trouble. You can change the trajectory! I highly recommend reading our popular two-part blog series from last year, “7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness From Ruining Our Relationships.”

Say this: “Let’s go to bed mad, and pick it up in the morning.”Not this: “We have to resolve this conflict before we go to bed!”

Don’t tar and feather me for heresy. Hear me out.

In our research, the happiest couples discovered: Sometimes, it’s just not worth it to spin out in an argument that’s going in circles at 1 a.m. Resolving something before bedtime is a great goal, but if you’re no longer thinking straight and might say something you’ll regret, consider putting it on hold. If the issue is still there the next day, come back together and deal with it, rather than ignoring it and hoping it goes away. 

Now, some of you are wondering if this advice is unbiblical. It actually isn’t.

Read Ephesians 4:26 (the source of the belief that the bible says “don’t go to bed mad”):

“And ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

Now read Psalm 4:4, which the Apostle Paul was actually quoting in the Ephesians passage:

“Don’t sin by letting anger control you. Think about it overnight and remain silent.”

That changes things, doesn’t it? The biblical command seems to be all about “Don’t sin by letting anger control you.” So if you’re going in circles, try reassuring one another with: “We’re okay. Let’s talk about it in the morning.”

Say this: “Are you done being mad yet?” (Or some other “inside” phrase.)

You’ll notice the absence of a “not that” phrase. To explain, I’ll get personal for a minute. When Jeff and I are in conflict he is more likely to withdraw to need time to process his anger, while I am more likely to pursue a quick resolution. In the early years of marriage, as he withdrew, I would stew. And sometimes, rather than acknowledging his need for space to think, I would follow him around and state my case. With feeling.

It didn’t go well!

Today, though, we have a way of coming back together—and this concept (not these particular words) is common among the happiest marriages. For us, the way it works is: Jeff will withdraw to process … and then at some point he will come back and say, “Are you done being mad yet?”

Now. That phrase might send some couples straight into orbit! But for us, it’s an inside joke. It dials the temperature down, and acknowledges that the issue may still be there, but we’re not going to let it get us down. It tells us: “we’re okay.”

One of my friends lets her husband off the hook when they’re in conflict in this way: If he is searching for words (because he’s processing) he’ll usually say something like, “What I’m trying to say is ….” and then his sentence will trail off. Often she’ll finish his sentence by quipping, “you’re madly in love with me.”

They laugh. And it’s his cue that he can break away from the intensity of the moment to think about his response.

Do you have a shared “inside” phrase or action that can help interrupt the intensity? Identify it, agree that it’s ok to use it (in other words, one of you isn’t hurt by it), and then use it when conflict looms.

And now, it’s your turn. What conflict-defusing phrases are in your marital playbook? What do you say in the heat of an argument that helps alleviate pressure? I’d love to hear from you, so please leave a comment.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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3 Steps to Take When the Wife Earns More

Sam and Rachel, a couple we interviewed in our research, were navigating an income pattern that is increasingly common today: she earned far more than he did. When the kids came along, it made much more financial sense for her to remain the primary breadwinner and for him to work part-time and spend more time with the kids.

Yet there were some tensions that came along with this reality. And they aren’t alone. The research shows some unique stressors and needs arising as this “non-traditional” path becomes far more … well … traditional.

How our earning patterns might impact our marital patterns

While most women do still earn less on average than men (Pew Research reports that women’s annual earnings were 82% of men’s earnings in 2019), young women earn as much or more than young men in 22 U.S. metro areas. Another Pew study found that the number of women who earn significantly more than their husbands has roughly tripled in the last 50 years from 5% to 16%. That fits with what we saw in our recent study for Thriving in Love & Money.

If couples don’t acknowledge the stressors that come with this income pattern, there can be challenges! One study found that being outearned can adversely affect a man’s mental health over time. Other studies have found a higher risk to the marriage when wives earn more.

These concerns may arise because of emotional factors that are deeply instinctive to men. In our nationally representative research with men for our bestselling book For Women Only, 78% of men felt a deep emotional compulsion to provide, even if their wife earned enough to fully support the family. Many men admitted that they would simply feel inadequate if they weren’t the primary breadwinner.

These concerns were often heightened when one or both spouses interpreted the bible (I Timothy 5:8) as placing the responsibility for financial provision solely on the husband. Thankfully, though, that isn’t the end of the story. In our research for Thriving in Love and Money we found that a wife’s higher income or job status doesn’t have to negatively impact the marriage!

Three action steps

Once couples understand why certain issues may arise, and what to do about it, they can plan ahead and thrive instead. They can navigate redefinition of “traditional roles” in a way that is healthy for both people and the relationship.

So here are three action steps based on our research and that of others, that may help newlyweds—or any couple for that matter—in which the wife earns more than the husband.

Step #1: Redefine “providing”

If a newlywed couple agrees that providing is about more than money (in other words, shared responsibilities, emotional support, and so on), then right from the start, they are capturing a bigger vision.

Statistically, a man’s desire to provide will probably always be tugging at him. He may even feel like he’s not doing his job as a husband. But if wives are aware of this tender place in his heart and committed to thanking him for a provision that is far broader than a paycheck, they are well on their way to connection rather than conflict.

Sam and Rachel, for example, were very happy—even though her salary far outweighed his, and probably would for many years to come.

“Oh my gosh … provision is so much more than money,” said Rachel. “Sam provides me a whole array of things I value … things unique to our situation. When I come home from my very stressful, very public work life, there is my soul mate … waiting to share a meal he’s fixed. It means so much that he is willing to hear about my day and what I’m processing at work or whatever. That far outweighs any paycheck he could add to the pile.”

For couples who want to adhere to biblical standards, and are worried about being “unbiblical,” it might help to know that conservative Christian leaders such as Tim Keller have emphasized that among the first century church, it was common for both a husband and wife to run a family business together.

When we were living in New York and attending Tim Keller’s church, he shared in one sermon that a husband is indeed given the ultimate responsibility to ensure that the family is financially okay—but that the model of a husband being the sole provider appears to be more “cultural” (especially in the modern era) than “biblical.” If a husband can support his higher-earning wife to provide more income than he could, that is yet another way of “providing.”

Step #2: Express (and receive) thanks

A young wife I know who works long hours and earns more than her husband expresses frequent and deep appreciation for the household responsibilities he handles and his ability to manage the kids’ schedules flawlessly.

But here’s another crucial component. Her husband is willing to receive it. He’s willing to say, “Okay, we’re one. And this is what I am doing right now for us … together, as a couple.”

This again shifts a potential source of conflict into an opportunity for connection, allowing this couple to appreciate each other’s contributions and strengthen their bond.

Back to Rachel and Sam: “When Rachel thanks me,” Sam says, “especially for the little things I didn’t even think she noticed—like the fact that I raked the leaves this week—it touches my heart. There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for this woman.”

Step #3: Create a game plan

The third action step is to develop a game plan for managing household stuff. This includes explicitly addressing routine household needs, projects, grocery shopping, and other daily tasks.

However you split it up, the key is for both partners to view the division of labor as fair.

For example, if the wife is working longer hours and earning more, the husband might take on more tasks related to childcare, grocery shopping, and house maintenance.

And just like the wife is asking the husband to be okay with her earning more, she has to be okay with him doing those tasks differently than she might. For example, if he takes their child to the doctor while she’s in a big meeting, she has to be okay with the fact that he might make a different decision that she might, while she is unavailable.  She has to respect him enough to make those calls.

At the end of the day, our different wiring and styles may collide. But this doesn’t have to cause friction if both partners go into it with eyes, and hearts, wide open.

As the apostle Paul encourages, “Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong. Do everything in love” (I Cor. 16:13-14 NIV). In the ever-changing landscape of societal, financial, and marital norms, the ability to adapt, communicate, appreciate, and work together as a couple is a faith-filled, courageous, act of strength in and of itself. And if it’s all done in love, your marriage can thrive no matter what your income model is!

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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The Encouraging Secret that Will Transform Your Election Season – Part 2

Well, not surprisingly, there are intense feelings about the election. As was true in last week’s Part 1 of this two-part series, I am not going to tackle politics. We have enough of that whenever we look at the media or listen to our contrarian family member.

What I am going to do is remind us of the truth we demonstrated in Part 1: Despite what it looks like, we’re not as divided as we think. It’s not even close. (If you haven’t read Part 1, I highly recommend you take a look.)

Yet, since America seems so fractured, Christians have an incredible opportunity to be difference-makers: people who are catalysts for peace instead of division, people whose relationships reflect health instead of toxicity, people who, hopefully, look like Jesus and can draw others to Him.

I know not every blog reader is a person of faith, but in this article I’m going to speak bluntly to those of us who are. Because as grateful as I am to be a U.S. citizen, I believe we are commanded to act differently as those whose primary citizenship is actually in the kingdom of God. (See the beginning of Jesus’ most famous sermon, in Matthew 5.) Those actions will also help us thrive in our relationships, our workplaces, and our mental and emotional health.

So let’s build on Action Step #1 from last time (see most “others” as reasonable rather than radical), and look at four other action steps that will bring transformation.

Action Step #2: Get curious rather than critical

Now that we have seen the data on how much agreement we do have, we are armed with insider information that we can apply when testy political conversations come up. Remember that statistically we’re likely to share similar, privately held viewpoints with others in those conversations. And even if we don’t, it is highly likely that there are other points of convergence.

A powerful tool in today’s divided time is for each of us to see if we can find areas of interpersonal agreement with others—even when we do in fact disagree on policy.

One way to do this is to become more curious. See if you can get to the issue under the “policy position” by inviting others to share the values or fears that shaped their views. You may begin to see surprising areas of agreement. For example, you can probably understand and empathize with feeling fear of loss—even if the precise loss each of you fears is radically different and leads you to opposite policy conclusions.

Jesus loved those who were hard to love. We are to do the same. So as you interact with your opinionated neighbor, get curious about what is under the surface. Where possible, allow yourself to feel empathy for his or her feelings.

Another way you can disarm an “opponent” in a testy conversation is simply to be more kind. And that leads to my next tip.

Action Step #3: Restore perspective rather than perseverating (look it up!)

I was working on this blog on the airplane as Jeff and I were flying back from speaking at a marriage conference, and the woman next to me expressed interest. Turns out, she is a forensic psychologist and also maintains a busy clinical practice. Listen to her take on the importance of perspective:

“So many people are so incredibly anxious about ‘the other side’ winning, and truly are concerned that things will fall apart. It is important to get perspective. You are getting so wrapped up in twelve levels beyond you that you are losing sight of the fact that the outcome of the election, with very few exceptions, isn’t directly impacting you. Like, you can go buy milk whenever you want. If you can stop perseverating on the things that don’t impact you and just focus on what does impact you, you will do far better.”

I had to look up “perseverating.” I think we can agree that perspective is a better option!

Action Step #4: Extend grace rather than outrage

Outrage is everywhere right now. And before you think I’m reacting to the social media explosion from Tuesday’s election, where I’m really taking aim is our hearts.

Outrage has almost become theater—a spectacle designed to steer us into the extreme positions I wrote about last week.  But it’s not just about the big societal things. Whether we’re reacting to an opening ceremony at the Olympics, losing our minds over political partisanship, or complaining over a lunch date with friends about the “latest stunt” our husband pulled, a steady expression of outrage hurts our relationships, our hearts, and most devastatingly, our Christian witness. In fact, studies show that outrage is a contagion. As one piece in Psychology Today put it, anger is more contagious than joy. Yikes.

There is an antidote to outrage: It’s grace.

For followers of Christ, grace is not only the antidote to outrage; it’s the very way of Jesus. We might be smart to take a WWJD approach and look at His grace-to-outrage ratio. A quick word search for grace reveals 114 uses in the New Testament. The number of times Jesus flipped tables was two. That’s a pretty good formula for us.

To my shame, I realize that too often I do not extend grace the way Jesus did. Subconsciously, I’d rather make clear where I think someone is wrong rather than trying to find commonalities and be grace-filled with the differences. That means, at times, even letting things go that I view as incredibly important for the sake of maintaining the relationship or the mental and emotional health of all involved. It also means something else.

Action Step #5: Filter your comments as an “ambassador” rather than an “activist”

As noted above, followers of Christ can be passionate citizens of an earthly country. But we are first and foremost to live as citizens of heaven.

In this excellent piece from Randy Alcorn on Patheos, we are reminded that outrage is not a core value of Christianity. When we allow it to be, it’s time to ask ourselves a question: What kind of ambassador am I being for Christ? Does the wording of this social media comment reflect the character of Jesus? The fruit of the Spirit? Is it more likely to draw people to Jesus than push them away? If the answer to any of those questions is “no,” we may need to grapple with our job description that we are first and foremost His ambassadors (2 Corinthians 5:20).

I echo Randy’s suggestion that if we walked away from outrage and online disputes and poured that energy instead into building each other up (I Thessalonians 5:11), washing feet, serving those in need, spreading hope, and worshipping God, the result would undoubtedly be a more attractive portrayal of Christlikeness to the world (not to mention the good we would actually do in the world).

This is also so true in our homes. When we look for the most generous explanation possible of our spouse’s actions, when we season our family conversations with grace, and when we remember to treat our family members with the same grace we’d like to receive, we demonstrate the very power of the gospel to those closest to us.

Some of this is literally about being kind, no matter what. Most longtime blog readers will be familiar with The Kindness Challenge, and how our empirically-tested 30-Day Kindness Challenge wakes us up to the ways we haven’t been as kind as we thought and improves our outlook and our relationships. Our election-season version, called Kindness 2024, will be just as helpful now that election day is behind us—and may really come in clutch for some of our post-election holiday get-togethers.

*Hope rises when we embrace the possibility that we are not as divided as it looks. When we lean toward grace rather than outrage. When we act like devoted citizens who know where our primary citizenship rests. I pray all of us will carry that hope with us and share it with others, as we try to walk through this season well.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: The Encouraging Secret that Will Transform Your Election Season – Part 2Well, not surprisingly, there are intense feelings about the election. As was true in last week’s Part 1 of this… The Encouraging Secret that Will Transform Your Election Season – Part 1We are days from an election. Red vs. blue. Talking heads are digging in their heels on extreme positions. Political… Breast Cancer Awareness Month: My Mom’s StoryBy Charlyn Elliott For Breast Cancer Awareness month, I’m thrilled to introduce you to someone who puts the “special” into… For Men Only: An Insider Tip That Could Change Your MarriageGuys, I’m going to let you in on a secret today that could change your marriage. It’s easier to show… 5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You KnewIn honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 2)This is part 2 of a two-part series on the mental wellbeing of college students. Last week my Executive Assistant,…

The post The Encouraging Secret that Will Transform Your Election Season – Part 2 appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Encouraging Secret that Will Transform Your Election Season – Part 1

We are days from an election. Red vs. blue. Talking heads are digging in their heels on extreme positions. Political texts seem to arrive every five minutes (I live in the battleground state of Georgia, but I know it’s everywhere). And of course, there are very real and legitimate concerns.

But the concerns I have are of a different nature: How do we walk through this ongoing season well? How do we navigate this time in a way that preserves our relationships, our mental health, and—for those of us who are people of faith—our ability to be ambassadors for Jesus in a fractured world?

I am not going to talk politics in this article. What I am going to do is provide a data-driven reality check and share a truly startling secret that will transform our experience of this fraught election season if we let it. Because—let’s be honest with ourselves—the “fraught-ness” of this season is probably not going to be complete next Tuesday.

So to help us through these next few weeks or months, let’s learn (in Part 1) about this encouraging secret, and then (in Part 2) we’ll identify steps to help us go forward well.

The Secret: We’re Not As Divided as We Think

For years now, everything we’ve seen in the media has blared us vs. them. But, in fact, is it really just … us?

I’ve been looking at this for the last few years, and noticing it in my interviews … and now data is coming out to confirm it: Yes, there are many big differences of opinion, but in most cases, most of the time, our society is not actually as divided as we think.

Since I can see your skeptical faces now, let me encourage you to consider a few factors, including some fascinating new research.

First, at the most basic level, think about your daily experience of living and working around others. Yes, there are always the loud people, and the ones with extreme views. But when you consider average daily life it’s likely that you’ll realize the same thing Jeff and I see in our travels: There are people all around us who hold different views but similar interpersonal values. They are just trying to value others, love their families, and live peaceful lives. This is true in urban and rural settings, coastal and inland, red states and blue.

So why does it seem that everyone is at war with one another? There are many reasons, but one is preeminent.

Media demand drives the appearance of intense division.

I’ve never shared this publicly, but here’s a personal anecdote that illustrates a primary reason our divisions appear magnified far beyond what they are.

A number of years ago, I was essentially being “auditioned” as a cultural commentator on a major secular television outlet. As a researcher and an evangelical wife and mom, I was filling a given “seat” to respond to two or three other people with very different opinions about news of the day. I would go into the studio building to get my makeup and hair done, and then go sit on camera and cross swords.

Only … I didn’t cross swords enough. The newsy issues we discussed on set were interesting. (What was our reaction to the moral failure of this nationally recognized pastor, or that educational policy, or the latest racial controversy?)

But it became clear that the producers did not want interesting, reasoned discussion. They wanted sparring partners. I was invited back several times, but the last two times I noticed the senior producer’s annoyance when I agreed with the others in the areas where I could. The producer wanted to hear where I passionately disagreed. They wanted anger, controversy, and for us to find things we disagreed about.

My thoughts were too mainstream, and expressed too respectfully, so I was boring. I wasn’t invited back.

And can you blame the producers? Their job is to keep people from changing the channel. People who respond in reasonable ways—like the vast majority of us tend to do in our real-life living rooms and offices—aren’t riveting. Half of a producers’ job is to find issues on which we disagree, then find the people who disagree the most (or the most vocally), and get them on camera. Hot takes hold viewers.

Is it any wonder that it looks like we are hopelessly divided? Is it any wonder that it looks like people who disagree with us are hopelessly extreme? Because of what consumers want to see (all of us have to plead guilty), we are given exactly what we have asked for: division and discord and extreme presentations about “the other side.”

Again, I’m not discounting that there are issues that deserve intense focus and debate. But it is just as important that we navigate those issues well and that we recognize that those who hold intense and extreme positions on those issues are a small minority.

Research proves the point

A series of research surveys and polls shows, as this interesting Axios article puts it, “a striking amount of agreement on some very big topics,” including about various fundamental rights, financial and economic issues, and even many social issues.

And per the prior point about how the media presents things, look closely at the numbers in this large AP/NORC poll, and see if you agree with the opening line that “The public is divided…”

Analytically, I hate to break it to whoever wrote that line, but what I see in the numbers is a minority of actual issues on which we are very divided and more on which we disagree by relatively few percentage points. The places of huge and stark disagreement are mostly about how we view people on “the other side.”

And this brings me to another important data set.  A robust research study, conducted by the non-partisan think tank Populace found that we have much more common ground than we think—in part because what we say publicly doesn’t always match what we believe privately.

Called the Social Pressure Index, the research found that people privately agree on many/most issues. Including sensitive cultural topics (think: abortion, school choice, immigration, voter ID requirements). On two-thirds of the issues studied, 90% of demographic groups are privately on the same side!! It’s just that many share different views publicly due to virtue signaling, fear of offending, or other reasons.

Now, don’t misunderstand: that means that on one-third of sensitive issues, there is much broader disagreement. But again—those issues are in the minority.

Action Step #1: See most “others” as reasonable rather than radical

So here’s your simple first action step. It’s one that will help you (and the friends or family that you’d like to forward this blog to for encouragement) navigate the commentary and controversy flooding our newsfeeds before and after the election:

Each time you see something that concerns you, stop and remind yourself: This is the most extreme example the producers/editors could find. And, even if true, most people of the other party are not that extreme.

Having a better perspective on the issues—and the sanity and “normalcy” of the people we disagree with—won’t make our preferred candidates win. It won’t solve the dysfunction that we see in some of our government institutions. But it will allow us to be people who stop contributing to the problem and start contributing to the solution. It will provide a start to being people who can build bridges and represent our faith well in the public arena. Knowing we are closer than we think is simply an entry point to the greater goal: a way to help heal the fractures and become closer as a society again.

As we go forward into the next week, I urge everyone to pray for the election and our leaders—no matter who wins the various contests. And come back next week for Part 2—intentionally planned for next Thursday to help us navigate the post-election season well.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: The Encouraging Secret that Will Transform Your Election Season – Part 1We are days from an election. Red vs. blue. Talking heads are digging in their heels on extreme positions. Political… Breast Cancer Awareness Month: My Mom’s StoryBy Charlyn Elliott For Breast Cancer Awareness month, I’m thrilled to introduce you to someone who puts the “special” into… For Men Only: An Insider Tip That Could Change Your MarriageGuys, I’m going to let you in on a secret today that could change your marriage. It’s easier to show… 5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You KnewIn honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 2)This is part 2 of a two-part series on the mental wellbeing of college students. Last week my Executive Assistant,… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 1)I am delighted this week to introduce you to my Executive Assistant Amy Masaschi, who has written a courageous piece…

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Breast Cancer Awareness Month: My Mom’s Story

By Charlyn Elliott

For Breast Cancer Awareness month, I’m thrilled to introduce you to someone who puts the “special” into her title of special projects director on my staff. Charlyn Elliott is my secret weapon, my dear friend, and this week, she shares a personal breast cancer story that I know will encourage your heart.

It’s been 36 years and a lifetime ago.

October has long been a bittersweet month for me. As Breast Cancer Awareness month, it’s full of reminders to get mammograms, acknowledgements of life-giving medical advances, and celebrations of breast cancer survivors like Shaunti, and probably many of you.

Yet, October is also my reminder that not every earthly battle against breast cancer is won. Not everyone rings the bell when they complete chemo. Not everyone hears the words, “You are in remission.”

For readers of faith, this creates a push-pull in our faith, doesn’t it? We know we serve a God who deeply cares about us. And He also guarantees that in this world we will have trouble (John 16:33, italics mine).

In hopes of coming alongside you in these tricky waters, I’m sharing my story with the benefit of the long view. You see, back in 1980, my mom was diagnosed with breast cancer—a battle she fought valiantly for eight years before passing away on October 21, 1988. For years, my wounded heart kept asking God, “why?”

It’s really okay to say, “this is hard and I don’t like it.” And yet He reminds us in John 13:7 (“You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand.”) that we don’t always understand what He’s doing. It’s only later that we see. God has made this verse real to me in ways that could never be contained in a blog. But I’ve pulled three truths out of the hardest road imaginable in hopes that they will encourage your heart, too.

Truth #1: Know that God is with you

This may not always be a comfort at first. You may feel abandoned, and I do understand. Even Jesus, in His hour of greatest suffering, asked God why He had forsaken Him on the cross.

And yet if God showed us anything when He brought His love to us through His Son, He showed us that He is near. God hears you, loves you, and, he is deeply moved when you face loss (Luke 7:13, John 11:33, 38). Not only is God with you, He can unexplainably use all you’re going through for His glory. (Romans 8:28 is one of my life-verses—I cling to it often.) You may struggle to see or hear that, right now. That’s okay. I sure did.

Back in 1980, there were very few breast cancer survivors. Treatments weren’t what they are now. We knew what it meant as soon as the words, “It’s cancer,” were spoken. But God . . . He knew and He was with us even when we couldn’t see His presence. I’ll be honest, I couldn’t see him. I saw a God who was taking my mom away from me. A God who could have stopped it. A God who seemed like He was abandoning me as a teenager who needed my mom’s voice in my life.

But from a deep reservoir of faith, my mom’s vision was different. She saw a God who offered clinical trials that gave her additional years of life. She saw a God who gave her the strength to smile and a God who helped her encourage others. Her strength and light in her struggle led many who were suffering to Him! God chose to use her earthly diagnosis in eternal ways. She knew He was there.

Truth #2: It’s okay to question God

God can handle your questions. They don’t rattle Him. And, in his grace and His timing, He will give you the answers. They may not be the answers that you want or expect, and you may not even get all of them while you’re here on earth, but He has the answer to every question.

I often questioned His goodness, but He repeatedly showed me how good He was. He gave my mom more time than the doctors ever thought possible. He drew my mom and me together into incredible moments, now memories, that I cherish to this day. And He allowed mom time to share her example of living—truly living life, no matter what.

The chemo trials my mom participated in have helped doctors and many others after her. Some of the “experimental” ideas that she willingly tried back then have evolved into standards today. Through her trials (literally and medically), many others have been able to ring the bell.

Truth #3: His comfort comes in powerful and unexpected ways

This happens both in the trial and after. In my mom’s story, He provided comfort to my mom through friends who would take her “gallivanting” to get her out of the house or hospital when possible. He comforted my mom through His word, through kind glances from caregivers, and, with the assurance of what was to come. For my mom that was heaven.

For me, He has reminded me often that He collects our tears in a bottle (Psalm 56:8) and that He understands more about the pain of all of this than we can comprehend. After all, He, too, knows what it means to lose a loved one on this earth.

So, friend, if this cancer battlefield is testing your faith, be encouraged. God is so near to you. There’s no question that’s off-limits to ask. And He comforts us in all our pain, uncertainty, and fear and He IS there for us. And if you would like our team to pray for you, please reach out to us by email. We would be so honored at our next staff meeting to bring your requests before God.

And one final thing. I purposely didn’t quote the rest of John 16:33 “trouble” verse above. In its entirety, Jesus says, “In this world you will have trouble.” It’s a given. We will struggle. “But take heart,” He says, “for I have overcome the world.” No matter where we (or a loved one) might be in the cancer journey, that’s a promise we can all live for.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Breast Cancer Awareness Month: My Mom’s StoryBy Charlyn Elliott For Breast Cancer Awareness month, I’m thrilled to introduce you to someone who puts the “special” into… For Men Only: An Insider Tip That Could Change Your MarriageGuys, I’m going to let you in on a secret today that could change your marriage. It’s easier to show… 5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You KnewIn honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 2)This is part 2 of a two-part series on the mental wellbeing of college students. Last week my Executive Assistant,… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 1)I am delighted this week to introduce you to my Executive Assistant Amy Masaschi, who has written a courageous piece… Join me for an “Election Edition” of the 30-Day Kindness ChallengeWhether you are a politics junkie (guilty!), or someone who wishes you could avoid this election season entirely, I think…

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For Men Only: An Insider Tip That Could Change Your Marriage

Guys, I’m going to let you in on a secret today that could change your marriage.

It’s easier to show than tell, so watch these two short sports videos first. A while back, I came across this Instagram reel that captures former Detroit Lions quarterback David Blough (now an NFL assistant coach) watching his wife Melissa Gonzalez race in an Olympic preliminary qualifier.

And who could forget this summer’s Olympics when Hunter Woodhall screamed “You’re the Olympic champion!” as his wife Tara Davis-Woodhall jumped into his arms after winning gold in the long jump.

Guys, you may not get as outwardly pumped as David Blough and Hunter Woodhall, but these videos capture the exact same underlying exhilaration and pride that many men feel inside as they watch their wives “run the race” as an amazing mom, small group leader, or skilled executive.

I have interviewed and surveyed more than 20,000 men in the last twenty years, and I’ve seen this truth: You love your wife’s wins! And these two words in response could change your marriage:

Tell her.

If you feel pride in your wife, but don’t express it, you could be missing an opportunity to meet one of her greatest needs.

But doesn’t she just know how I feel?

When Jeff and I were analyzing our nationally representative survey of women for our book For Men Only, we found that for many women, “I do” will always mean … “Do you?”

A whopping seven out of ten women said that their relationship—and how their man felt about them—was anywhere from occasionally to nearly always on their minds.

We checked this by asking the question a different way, and it revealed an even stronger response! Four out of five women acknowledged sometimes feeling insecure about their man’s love and the relationship.

Your wife needs reassurance of your delight in her. Again and again and … again.

So many men are confused by this. When Jeff and I speak at marriage events, we use a polling program that allows people to ask live, anonymous questions that we cast onscreen. Inevitably, one of the main questions is: WHY? Why does she not just assume I love her?

Guys, here’s the reason. No matter how secure and confident your wife seems at work and home, she has this subconscious question running under the surface:

Would he choose me all over again?

This is not an all-the-time, conscious question unless your marriage is in overt difficulty, or if you’re in a season of being grumpy, withdrawn, or not paying much attention to her (in which case, overt difficulty usually follows). But because roughly 80% of women ask deep down, “Am I loveable?” it morphs in marriage to, “Does he really love me?”

Which brings us back to David Blough and Hunter Woodhall. You can’t cheer on your wife enough! You know the sacrifices she’s made. You see how hard she works. It’s time to tell her.

Here’s a cheat sheet for how to make sure your wife knows you’re in her corner:

Action #1: Celebrate her achievements publicly.

This doesn’t mean you have to shout from the rooftops. Then again, social media has given us virtual rooftops to shout from. This can be as simple as posting a photo of her garden or her 5K race, with a few words about how resourceful and determined she is.

I heard of one husband’s post of his wife holding a first-day-of-school sign, only hers said: “First day of graduate school.” His caption was a dizzying string of emojis: I don’t remember all of them, but I know the heart, first bump, and flexed-muscle emojis were in the mix.

If your wife recently started a business or got promoted at work, take her out to dinner to toast to her accomplishment. When you’re with family or friends, make it a natural part of conversation to celebrate your wife. Just think of simple comments that honor who she is.

Action #2: Support her behind the scenes

Whether it’s an athletic goal, a business launch, a return to school, or just the day-to-day routine, your wife can’t do it alone. She may feel like she’s supposed to be able to do it all, but none of us are built for that.

A huge part of cheering her on is to provide the tangible support she needs with whatever needs to get done. You may already do the yard work and house maintenance, and think you’re equally sharing the load. And I’ve interviewed and surveyed enough men to know that most of you want to equally share the load. You want to be the rock your wife can lean on.

But it’s also possible that you have no idea how many hours she puts in that you’re not aware of. Ask her about that. If she is just as busy as you, or more, consider what you can take off her plate.

Not only does this help her reach her goals, but it allows her to do so with her mental, physical, and spiritual health intact. Recent research from Gallup found that more than six in ten U.S. women say it’s hard to make their health a top priority. More than half say that their biggest barriers are:

feeling overwhelmedcaring for family memberslack of time

Take a careful look at that list, guys. More than half of women are struggling with those things. How about your wife? If you have kids, think of ways to entertain them or take them out of the house so your wife has focused time to work (or catch her breath). Consider ways you can restructure your family schedule to better support your wife’s dreams and support a rhythm of rest.

If you’re not sure what would be helpful, simply ask her what she needs.

Action #3. Let her know the mundane matters to you.

Celebrating your wife’s big accomplishments is important, but so is cheering her on in the everydayness of life. Express gratitude for the unseen things she does such as laundry, changing diapers, taking care of sick kids or pets, and volunteering in the concession stand—all possibly while working long hours to complete her big work project.

Your encouragement can be as simple as leaving a note on the bathroom mirror that says, “Thank you for being a great wife.” Or reaching for her hand at the end of a long day and pulling her into a big hug.

If you do this in front of your kids, even better! One of my team members has a family rule that you don’t leave the table until you thank the person who made the meal. This shows their kids that someone worked to prepare the food, and that’s worthy of recognition.

Simple habits like these cultivate a family dynamic rooted in gratitude. And you can take the lead simply by encouraging your wife.

In big life achievements and in behind-the-scenes home life, your wife needs to know that you would choose her all over again. And when you cheer for her, this goes deep into her heart and puts to rest any buried doubts inside her.

For today anyway.

And tomorrow is a new day to let her know that you meant it when you said, “I do.”

Guys, if you’d like to dive deeper into the inner life of your wife or fiancé, pick up a copy of For Men Only today. You’ll be so glad you did.

 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Transform Your Relationships with Kindness! Join the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and Embrace the Power of Positivity. Watch as Kindness Strengthens Your Connections and Creates Lasting Bonds.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: For Men Only: An Insider Tip That Could Change Your MarriageGuys, I’m going to let you in on a secret today that could change your marriage. It’s easier to show… 5 Truths Your Pastor Wishes You KnewIn honor of Pastor Appreciation Sunday this weekend, I’d like to give a shout out to the creative, hard-working, servant-hearted… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 2)This is part 2 of a two-part series on the mental wellbeing of college students. Last week my Executive Assistant,… What Parents Need to Know About College Kids and Mental Health (Part 1)I am delighted this week to introduce you to my Executive Assistant Amy Masaschi, who has written a courageous piece… Join me for an “Election Edition” of the 30-Day Kindness ChallengeWhether you are a politics junkie (guilty!), or someone who wishes you could avoid this election season entirely, I think… For Women Only Turns Twenty! My Thoughts — and Yours.For Women Only has a big birthday this month, and it feels like a good moment to look back and…

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