Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 3

Fame, Faith, and Putting Marriage First

What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed down, and your finances broke down. 

But your marriage made it. 

This is the story of this week’s podcast guests, our friends Montell and Kristin Jordan. Some of you are remembering the 90s R&B hit called This is How We Do It and wondering if it’s the same Montell. It is. 

In fact, the fame from that platinum song proved to be the turning point that catapulted the Jordans into the thriving marriage ministry they have today. (A fake account once posted that Montell was dead and as headlines and “tributes” began pouring in, he had a clarifying moment where he realized This Is How We Do It was basically his singular legacy.) 

Trust me, you want to tune in to these podcasts. We broke them into two parts because there’s so much gold. You’ll hear spiritual and scientific truths that will help you reframe the battles in your own marriage. And, if have a heart to serve hurting couples or want to start a marriage ministry in your church, you’ll discover the building block ingredients. Montell shares a powerful acronym using the word SALT that you won’t want to miss. 

Their story is a fascinating journey. I hope you’ll tune in. Two types of listeners will especially benefit this week. Those whose marriages are hurting. And those who want to help those whose marriages are hurting.  

And, to be real honest, it was fun to just sit down with our friends. As Montell and Kristen said, “When friends get together, wisdom, understanding, and transparency happens organically. This podcast is a sneak peek into friends coming together to honor God and our relationship.” 

Episodes 8&9 details:    

Episodes 8&9 Release Date: May 6, 2025   

Duration: Episode 8: 24 minutes Episode 9: 30 minutes    

 Summary: In this conversation, Montel and Kristin Jordan share their transformative journey from the music industry to marriage ministry. They discuss the challenges they faced in their marriage, including a crisis that led to a renewed commitment to each other and their faith. Through their experiences, they emphasize the importance of prioritizing marriage and the lessons that now guide their work in helping others strengthen their marriages. The Jordans also discuss Marriage Masterpeace, which offers retreats for couples to heal and grow together.  

Resources & Links Mentioned:     

Marriage Masterpeace 8-Week Study Bundle  

Marriage Masterpeace Retreat at Jordan River 

Montellandkristin.com 

Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.     

Connect with Us: We love hearing your thoughts, stories, and voices. Connect with us on social media or email us at webcontact@shaunti.com. Your story could be on the next I Wish You Could Hear This episode.    

Practical help for Real Life    

 Our new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episodes 8 and 9! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.    

 On I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships.  

 You’ll take away specific steps that help you today.    

 You’ll hear not only from us but from fellow authors and friends (so you hear the good behind-the-scenes stuff!), marriage and relationship experts, everyday people, ministry leaders, and other researchers. (We promise to keep that last one fun and fascinating, not boring!)     

 If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com. 

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Fame, Faith, and Putting Marriage First What if everything had to die so your marriage could live? Like, literally your house burned down, your career crashed… Behind the Scenes in the Speaker LifeThe speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny. There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves… One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On. Do you have a sex mismatch in your marriage? One of you wants more sex than the other, and pressure,… 5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out ChildAs parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics,… From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh   Who helps the first responders who help us? Who do they call when they’re in pain? In increasing numbers, they’re… How to Deal with Difficult PeopleBy Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie…

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Behind the Scenes in the Speaker Life

The speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny.

There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves for a February women’s event in Arizona. What I didn’t know was that although I was flying into Phoenix (which was 70 degrees and sunny) the retreat was in Flagstaff (where it was 28 degrees and snowing). My toes froze! I think feeling just returned last week.

Another speaker friend confessed that she made it all the way to the airport after an event … only to realize, as she entered security, that she was still wired up with the church’s mic pack!

The stories are as endless as the miles traveled.

But it recently occurred to me that many of you may have never been able to come to a live event. So, this week, we are doing something fun. We’re giving you a tour through a few recent speaking gigs, with takeaways right here in the blog that can help you in life, marriage, and ministry. And as a bonus for our subscribers, we are sharing the entire opening session from one of our marriage events.

If you like what you see, I’d be honored if you’d pass this post along to your adult ministry pastor, women’s event planner, or denominational leadership team. We have select speaking dates available in Fall 2025 and are booking into 2026 now.

Many of our event bookings come through the pipeline of church members who simply read one of our books or blogs or heard us on a podcast.

So here’s the first stop on our tour – a recent women’s event about the biblical habits of happiness.

Find Joy and Rest in the Craziness of Life

We tend to think:

Stressed is normal.

I’ll rest when I’m retired.

I’ll never get off the hamster wheel.

And to that, I say: wrong! We can Find Rest and Find Joy, even in a busy life. Using science and scripture, I teach women how with practical strategies that bring lasting change. No matter the size of the event, there’s nothing more exhilarating as a speaker than to see lightbulbs clicking on in women’s brains across an entire room.

As an example, here is one tip I almost always share at women’s events. It will make a difference in your life today. Ready?

Stop venting.

Aurgh, I know! This is hard. And venting is so tempting to do! But here’s the deal with venting. It’s not helping us “process” in the healthy way we think. In fact, science shows that venting activates the anger system in our brains. Of course, there is a time and place to share difficult life situations with a mentor, counselor, or godly friend who will lead us toward support, care, and prayer.

But once we cross over into complaining or gossiping in the name of “venting,” this doesn’t help us. It hurts us.

The next stop on our tour is the first session of a recent weekend marriage event.

The Secrets of the Happiest Married Couples

Did you know that the happiest married couples keep score?  It’s true – just not the way you think! The happiest couples keep score of what the other person gives.

In fact, as a bonus for our blog subscribers, we are including a full session  from one of our marriage events, about the secrets of the happiest couples. It unpacks this “keeping score” idea as well as the statistic that Jeff and I get really excited about sharing when we’re leading marriage events. We’ve seen couples get a little teary-eyed, or take each others’ hand when we share this secret.

The happiest couples choose to believe that their spouse really cares about them. Even when they’re hurt.

In our research we have found that a huge percentage of spouses—99.26% to be exact—deeply care about each other. This is true even in 97% of the most distressed marriages! Yes, there are cases where abuse is present. But for the vast majority of marriages, when we choose to believe this fact it allows us to choose hope, grace, and the benefit of the doubt rather than give in to the sort of suspicion and pessimism that creates a self-fulfilling, negative cycle.

Believing the truth creates a self-fulfilling positive cycle, instead!

The final stop on our tour is a recent event for pastors and church staff, to encourage those leaders who are always so good at encouraging the rest of us.

Ministry Is Worth It !

Ministry is hard, isn’t it? Sometimes ministry leaders find themselves secretly wondering: Is it worth it?

I recently got to speak at a leadership event for denominational ministry leaders in the Southwest, and when I made the following statement, you could almost hear a collective exhale: “Ministry is worth it, and I am going to prove it to you.”

A wave of relief swept through the room. It was palpable.

I worked hard on this talk, unearthing credible statistics on everything from the likeability of pastors’ sermons (it’s high) to the percentage of people who view their congregation as vital and alive (at 82%, it’s also high)!

But my favorite statistic of all was this: churches strengthen marriages. What church leaders say from the pulpit, do in discipleship ministries, and say during pastoral counseling sessions is making a much bigger difference than they’ve imagined. Contrary to popularly cited, incorrect data, the divorce rate is not the same in the church as it is in overall culture—it’s not even close. In fact, among those who attend church, the divorce rate drops 25-50% or more.

 

The work of ministry matters. Real hope—data-driven hope—helps us keep going.

I would love to come encourage your women, your married couples (Jeff and I), or your denominational/area/network leadership gathering with this and other findings from science and scripture.

If you are interested in exploring a booking, please reach out to my speaking agent Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.Please feel free to forward this blog along to event planners in your church.In the meantime, I hope this week’s resources encourage you to keep finding hope—in life, in marriage, and in ministry!

We keep things entertaining and equipping, meaning we never let audiences leave an event without simple, doable steps they can take right away. Everything we share is rooted in data and biblical principles. And these days, I always—always—check the weather forecast for where I’m going.

-Shaunti

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Behind the Scenes in the Speaker LifeThe speaker life is fun and sometimes … funny. There was the time I packed only sandals and short sleeves… One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On. Do you have a sex mismatch in your marriage? One of you wants more sex than the other, and pressure,… 5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out ChildAs parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics,… From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh   Who helps the first responders who help us? Who do they call when they’re in pain? In increasing numbers, they’re… How to Deal with Difficult PeopleBy Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie… Turn Conflict Into ConnectionWhy does so much conflict happen in our marriages? Jeff and I have found one very important answer. Decades of…

The post Behind the Scenes in the Speaker Life appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On.

Do you have a sex mismatch in your marriage? One of you wants more sex than the other, and pressure, hurt feelings, or expectations kind of ripple as an undercurrent to your relationship? Maybe you’ve even made this assumption: My spouse just has a lower desire for sex. 

Or even worse: My spouse doesn’t desire me. 

The pain in that is enormous. And Hollywood isn’t helping. Movies have told us there’s basically one way desire works: 

There’s a spark There’s a hunger The couple immediately does something about it 

Without being coy—we’ll save that for Hollywood—Jeff and I discuss on this week’s podcast that, statistically, what you’re likely dealing with is not a lower level of desire, but rather a different type of desire. No one’s broken here. What a relief, right? 

We’ll explain the two main desire types (as well as a third less common, but really important type to know) on this week’s episode of I Wish You Could Hear This.  

It’s not overstating things to say that this insight—based on research from the largest-ever study of its kind into the sex lives of married couples—could revolutionize your marriage. An area that may have been a source of pain, disconnection, and expectation, can become the source of intimacy that God planned for it to be.  

So, tune in (maybe with your ear buds for this one, especially if little ears are around). There’s a car analogy. There might have been some blushing on set. But if this episode helps you connect more as a couple—which we think it will—it will be worth it. 

Episode 7 details:   

  Episode 7: One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On. 

  Release Date: April 22, 2025   

  Duration: 33 minutes    

  Summary: In this podcast episode, Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn look at the disconnect that some couples experience around intimacy—especially focusing on the statistically common scenario of one spouse (typically the husband) desiring more intimacy than the other. They discuss common myths that feed this disconnect, and provide practical advice for couples. This episode will help you not feel alone! In fact, you’ll gain an understanding of each partner’s unique desire type—fostering a healthier and more fulfilling marriage. 

  Resources & Links Mentioned:    

Secrets of Sex and Marriage website: secretsofsexandmarriage.com 

Secrets of Sex and Marriage     

Unlocking an Intimate Marriage   

 Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, Share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.    

  Connect with Us: We love hearing your thoughts, stories, and voices. Connect with us on social media or email us at webcontact@shaunti.com. Your story could be on the next I Wish You Could Hear This episode.  

Practical help for Real Life   

Our new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episode 7! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.   

On I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.    

  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today.   

 You’ll hear not only from us but from fellow authors and friends (so you hear the good behind-the-scenes stuff!), marriage and relationship experts, everyday people, ministry leaders, and other researchers. (We promise to keep that last one fun and fascinating, not boring!)   

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: One of You Wants More Sex? Here’s What’s Going On. Do you have a sex mismatch in your marriage? One of you wants more sex than the other, and pressure,… 5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out ChildAs parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics,… From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh   Who helps the first responders who help us? Who do they call when they’re in pain? In increasing numbers, they’re… How to Deal with Difficult PeopleBy Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie… Turn Conflict Into ConnectionWhy does so much conflict happen in our marriages? Jeff and I have found one very important answer. Decades of… Perfect Practice Makes PerfectYou know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I…

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5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out Child

As parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics, pay for our cosmetics and ibuprofen (it’s no wonder we need the latter), and make it out alive.

Or our tween’s big worries and big feelings come at bedtime—the night before our big presentation at work. And we have to somehow help them settle without our stress going through the roof, right? Then later, in the teen years, our kids might swing between gruff and sullen or demonstrative and drama-filled.

And no, it’s not your imagination: being a teenager probably is more difficult than it used to be. Pew Research Center published findings showing that 69% of parents and 44% of teens think being a teenager today is harder than it was twenty years ago.

Think about it: Today’s kids just weathered a pandemic, have shooter drills at school, and live in the fishbowl of social media—not to mention the routine stressors kids have always faced as they develop into adults. No wonder anxiety in our kids is on the rise.

Thankfully, we hold tremendous power to help soothe their stress. Here are 5 ways to calm a stressed-out child of any age.

Step 1: Remain Calm

With kids, it’s important to remember that they are, well, kids. They aren’t just miniature adults. Their brains are developing, and their emotions often feel too big for their bodies. They haven’t had the years (or the maturity) to truly understand and cope with stress. Parents, if we freak out it won’t help our kids learn not to stress out.

The tendency to want to freak out is understandable. We love our kids! We’ve spent years protecting them, so it’s easy to smother them with worry or overreact if they’re being treated unfairly (or acting irrationally).

But when we do, our kids shut down right when we most need them to open up. Our research for For Parents Only found that 74% of teens would be more likely to share if they trust that their parents would not “freak out.” Which, to them, means not just strong negative reactions but strong positive ones as well!

Be calm.

If your daughter comes home in a stormy mood and you ask how her day was, only to receive the response of an eyeroll and a “fine,” you might feel put off by her hostility. You may want to scold her. Both are understandable.

But if you regroup and approach her calmly, she’ll be much more inclined to tell you what’s going on.

Step 2: Listen. Really, just listen.

My conversion moment on this came when I was in the middle of three years of conducting and analyzing the research and data for the For Parents Only project.

My daughter, then between the years of age 6 and age 9, would sometimes melt down over insecurities or fears that people didn’t like her. Often, I would urge her to just cheer up. Even worse (face palm) I would try to help her reason her way out of her emotional tailspin. (“Look at all the people who do like you, sweetheart!”)

Meanwhile, in the research, we started hearing from all these tweens and teens about how they just wanted someone to listen to their feelings. It took me a few years but eventually something clunked into place in my brain.

So, sure enough, next time my daughter flopped emotionally down on her bed, I pulled back my tendency to say, “Snap out of it drama queen” (because that would have been helpful), and I just listened. I asked her to tell me how it felt when so-and-so said such-and-such at school. And I listened. I asked her a few more questions about her feelings. And I listened.

As she started to calm down, inside I was thinking, Wow this really does work!

It’s so important to listen to what your child is saying and, more than that, to how they’re feeling. For example, let’s say they’re stressed because they had the flu two weeks ago, missed some school, and feel unprepared for the math exam on Friday. Are they feeling overwhelmed? Inadequate? Frustrated? Knowing how they’re feeling is just as important as why they’re feeling it (and can equip you with the knowledge required to help later on).

It’s instinctual to want to jump into fix-it mode, but that’s not what they need most. It can slide into an argument or shutting down. (This is true with our spouses, too. Look back on my blog 5 Powerful Ways to Stop Arguments Before They Start for ideas on how to handle tense moments in that department.)

To get a sense for what might be going on under the surface, here are two tools. First, if you have littles, my friend and former senior editor Katie Kenney Phillips wrote a beautiful book—and a guest blog—on helping young children understand their feelings. You’ll love her children’s book, Today I Feel Like a Jelly Donut, A Book About Emotions.  And if you have older tweens and teenagers, pick up a copy of For Parents Only: Getting Inside the Head of Your Kid, which is based on that research study of thousands of teens and tweens.

Step 3: Say the ‘magic phrase.’

Acknowledging our child’s feelings proves we are listening and provides comfort and validation. A recent article in Psychology Today suggests a practical phrase to show this: I see you’re upset right now. I’m here for you.

After all, think about when you are stressed or overwhelmed. Do you like when your spouse or your friends jump right past how you’re feeling and offer solutions? Or do you feel better when there is an acknowledgement that you are upset, and that’s it’s okay to be upset?

Kids are no different. In fact, validating their feelings is probably even more pivotal. Children are learning about this vast world with brains and bodies that are still growing. Knowing that their big, scary feelings are heard, and … okay? What a relief. (And this goes beyond what we can cover here but feeling heard will also help them hear you if you do need to raise issues about—for example—not letting their feelings run their life.)

Step 4: Disconnect from tech

As chronically online people, we have become accustomed to constant connection, information, and overstimulation. This creates a layer of stress that our child is constantly swimming in even before what just happened at school today.

So, once they’ve opened up about how they are feeling and why, see what your child thinks about stepping away from social media and tech at certain hours, on certain days, or for a season. If they are young, you may need to make that decision for them. If they are older, encourage them to make that healthy decision themselves and then help them self-enforce it. This will allow them to revisit the stress-inducing problem in a more level-headed manner.

Here are two ideas:

Get outside! According to The Child Mind Institute (and numerous other entities), getting outside is an anxiety and stress-reducer in children. Most studies agree that kids who play or hang out outside are smarter, happier, and less anxious than kids who spend a lot of time indoors.Get creative. Art and music allow children to express difficult feelings, which can reduce the stress of them.Step 5: Offer to help.

This is actually the last step for a stressed-out child rather than the first one. Our For Parents Only research found that after we listen to and acknowledge their feelings, 64% of children do want the next step of an offer to help.

So, once your child has opened up to you, and you have helped them clear their mind and relax, then it’s time to brainstorm with them what would be helpful—without rescuing them from something they need to learn how to do on their own. For example, if they are younger, offer to accompany them to talk to their teacher about the math homework; if they are older, offer to help them write an email to advocate for themselves.

Whatever the problem is, they most need to know that they don’t have to face it alone.

As we brainstorm, it’s important for us to avoid sliding into helicopter parenting, hovering over their every move. Turns out, there is a direct relationship between helicopter parenting and kids’ anxiety and depression. Children need to push through hard things—and even fall and fail sometimes—when the stakes are lower. It’s how they’ll develop the emotional muscles they’ll need later in life. (If you even try to clear your kids’ path of every problem they might face, you’ll want to read part one and part two of a series I did last year on snowplow parenting.)

Ultimately, as I hope you can see, all these steps are not just about calming our stressed-out child. They are about helping us learn our kids as they grow, and building the skill of being good at what we most want to do, which is to love our children well.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: 5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out ChildAs parents we’ve all been there. Our child melts down in Target and we’re just trying to calm the hysterics,… From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh   Who helps the first responders who help us? Who do they call when they’re in pain? In increasing numbers, they’re… How to Deal with Difficult PeopleBy Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie… Turn Conflict Into ConnectionWhy does so much conflict happen in our marriages? Jeff and I have found one very important answer. Decades of… Perfect Practice Makes PerfectYou know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I… Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary ThomasAfter one hundred and twenty straight book rejections, this week’s podcast guest Gary Thomas landed the book deal he spent…

The post 5 Quick Steps to Calm a Stressed-Out Child appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh

Who helps the first responders who help us? Who do they call when they’re in pain? In increasing numbers, they’re calling The 10-42 Project, a nonprofit founded by this week’s podcast guest and former first responder Dan Defenbaugh. 

Please don’t skip by this episode thinking, “I don’t know any first responders.” This week’s podcast is incredibly powerful and it’s for anyone who has: 

ever felt broken, lost, scared or hopeless turned to a substance or destructive pattern to cope learned to put on a “fake face” to mask pain 

It will be particularly poignant for those on the front lines, so please forward this episode of I Wish You Could Hear This to any police, fire, EMS, or other first responders or their family members. 

On the podcast, Dan offers an inside look at the pain of being a first responder—and the toll it took on his family, his mental health, and his desire even to live. His vulnerability reminds us that—without support and hope—no one really wears a bullet proof vest when it comes to a mental health storm.  

Today, Dan helps broken people become whole through The 10-42 Project—a place where first responders and their families can “come as you are,” confide pain in a safe place, and find healing. “We are here to equip, restore, and repurpose our first responders with the mental and spiritual tools and healing they need—free from guilt, shame, or judgment,” Dan says. “You no longer have to walk alone. We are here because we understand you—we are you.” 

If you or a loved one are in an emotional or mental health crisis, there are people who can help you, too, no matter your walk of life. At any time you can call 988 or text HOME to 741741. Also, Focus on the Family has an excellent counseling referral program; call 855-771-HELP (4357) on weekdays between 8am – 10pm ET. We strongly encourage you to seek out help – especially from a local pastor or counselor.

Episode 6 details:   

 Episode 6: From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh  

Release Date: April 8, 2025   

 Duration: 44 minutes    

  Summary: This conversation explores the profound journey of Dan Defenbaugh, a former law enforcement officer who faced trauma and addiction, leading him ultimately to try to take his own life. Through his story, we learn about the struggles first responders face with mental health, the impact on their families, and the hope found in recovery and ministry. Dan’s transformation from despair to purpose serves as a beacon of hope for others in similar situations. In this conversation, Dan recounts a pivotal moment where he sensed God leading him to establish a support organization for first responders struggling with mental health issues. 

 Resources & Links Mentioned:    

10-42project.org 

Shared Voices podcast (available on most streaming platforms) 

 Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, Share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.    

 Connect with Us: We love hearing your thoughts, stories, and voices. Connect with us on social media or email us at webcontact@shaunti.com. Your story could be on the next I Wish You Could Hear This episode.   

Practical help for Real Life   

Our new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episode 6! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.   

  On I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.    

 You’ll take away specific steps that help you today.   

  You’ll hear not only from us but from fellow authors and friends (so you hear the good behind-the-scenes stuff!), marriage and relationship experts, everyday people, ministry leaders, and other researchers. (We promise to keep that last one fun and fascinating, not boring!)    

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh   Who helps the first responders who help us? Who do they call when they’re in pain? In increasing numbers, they’re… How to Deal with Difficult PeopleBy Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie… Turn Conflict Into ConnectionWhy does so much conflict happen in our marriages? Jeff and I have found one very important answer. Decades of… Perfect Practice Makes PerfectYou know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I… Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary ThomasAfter one hundred and twenty straight book rejections, this week’s podcast guest Gary Thomas landed the book deal he spent… With Money, the Three Gs Matter – Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace  I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to…

The post From Wrecked to Restored: Lessons from a First Responder with Dan Defenbaugh    appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

How to Deal with Difficult People

By Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies

This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie Davies. She is one of the kindest people I know, even when—especially when—it is challenging. So, I wanted to include her insight this week on how to deal with difficult people.

It’s easy to go dancing through the daisies with nice people. We like those who are enjoyable, agreeable, and pleasant. In fact, let’s just cancel all the difficult people in our lives and hang out only with kind people. (And that, friends, is as close as we will ever get to writing an April Fool’s Day blog.)

No, today, the challenge is to think bigger. Let’s look at the importance of being kind to difficult people, and why. (Hint: God’s kindness leads us to repentance; Romans 2:4.) Not every reader embraces a Christian faith perspective, but as we’ll illustrate below, the principle holds true. Kindness does bring change—even if it’s “just” in us.

Being kind to difficult people is just so dang hard. But as emphasized in The Kindness Challenge, when people get under our skin, that’s the precise moment that kindness matters most. Here are a few ideas on how to deal with difficult people.

Step 1: Work on yourself

If you wish that terse, chippy, challenging person in your life would change, a statistically promising first step is to work on … yourself. Kindness impacts the other person, but it changes you. This is our starting point.

Three out of four people who did our 30-Day Kindness Challenge for a romantic partner (and two out of three who did it for any other type of relationship) reported that, although they were the ones taking the challenge to be more kind, they saw the targets of their kindness change for the better in 74% of cases.

In other words, when you change, they change. Kindness disarms others and breaks down walls, and, frankly, when we determine to treat others with kindness, it takes away their power to make us crazy.

There is a vital nuance here. If an out-of-control personality disorder, serious mental illness, or abusive relational dynamics are in play, a “just try harder” attempt at kindness can be exploited to create a more toxic situation. In these cases, putting boundaries in place is often the kindest thing we can do. Why? Because kindness cares about the best interest of the other person. There is nothing healthy about, for example, allowing a difficult family member to destroy their own mental health with how they speak to you and other family members. (For example, “Speaking in that way is unhealthy for me and for you. So, let’s take a break in this conversation until we can address it in a more productive way.”)

If day-to-day boundaries don’t lead to change, we may have to be kind from a distance. But still. Be kind. It changes you, remember?

Step 2: Recognize it’s biblical to be kind to difficult people

We mentioned Romans 2:4 at the top of the blog. It is the kindness of God that leads us to repentance. It’s not His might that melts our hearts. It’s His kindness. This is a biblical principle that everyone who is made in the image of God can apply. Being firm, having boundaries, and displaying strength are all important in different situations, but always with kindness.

Kindness is what softens people. It’s never our strictness and strength that changes hard hearts. These things may be needed, but what softens their heart is our kindness in the middle of it.

Our friends Scott and Sherry Jennings opened up about this very thing on a recent episode of our new podcast. Kindness revolutionized their marriage. (If you are dealing with conflict, controlling behaviors, anger, and even infidelity in your marriage, you will be deeply encouraged by the Jennings’ story. Give that episode of our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This a listen.)

And I (Shaunti) will never forget the woman—called Maggie in my devotional, Find Hope—who approached Jeff and me at a marriage event to describe a hopeless situation she had lived with for years. Her mother-in-law was extremely difficult (and had been damagingly critical of her husband in his formative years). Yet, Maggie felt God nudging her to love her. Of course, Maggie asked God how on earth that was possible.

What would you do if you loved her?  was the question Maggie sensed God asking her. Go and do that.

So, Maggie started offering updates on the grandkids. Calling her mother-in-law just to check in on her. Trying new recipes with her. And wouldn’t you know it? Positive traits started peeking through the negative ones. The mom-in-law softened.

Kindness won.

Step 3: Understand that the difficult person may be in difficult circumstances

A fascinating “world happiness” ranking came out last week, revealing that the United States has fallen to its lowest-ever level of happiness. We are 24th in the world (compared with 11th in 2012).

One possible factor? The number of people in the U.S. who dine alone has increased more than 50% in the last twenty years.

If someone is being “difficult,” maybe they’re deeply unhappy and isolated. Maybe they are in that mix of statistics of people who are just very lonely.

Philo of Alexandria famously said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle.” We never know what people are facing. Humor can mask pain just as easily as prickly behavior can be a symptom of it. Just because one behavior is easier to engage with doesn’t mean the person who is suffering is any less deserving of our kindness.

In fact, if a difficult person acts badly or lashes out, this is actually a moment of truth for us. I Peter 4:8 says, “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” The Amplified Bible continues: “(Love) overlooks unkindness and unselfishly seeks the best for others.”

We want that kind of love, don’t we? We long for others to see and seek the best in us—especially when we’re in a difficult stretch, or (shocker) being a difficult person.

So, above all, let’s love deeply. The details we get so hung up on likely won’t matter in five years. They might not even matter in five minutes.

Step 4: Evaluate your boundaries

By this we don’t mean “examine what your boundaries are.” We mean, examine why your boundaries are what they are.

An intentional study of what scripture says on this may be eye-opening. We have studied this in a very systematic way … and it is clear that scripture calls us to an uncomfortable level of kindness with others. The charge to love our enemies and pray for those who persecute us (Matthew 5:44) remains unchanged.

When we build Fort Knox around our hearts or cut people out of our lives in the name of boundaries, this enters very tricky territory. We would never presume to understand the heartache you have endured or the mean-spirited, unkind encounters you have faced. We only know that when Jesus said, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you,” (Luke 6:31), it was in the context of mistreatment.

In other words: “Treat the person who is treating you badly with the kindness you wish they were extending to you.”

We are not recommending that anyone become a doormat.

We would never advocate staying in an abusive situation.

But as we navigate difficult situations with difficult people—with all the wisdom, boundaries, protection, and strength we possess—it’s important to be kind. Not everyone will embrace this principle, but this is ours: If we are going to err, we are going to err on the side of being loving and kind.

Difficult people may never reciprocate our kindness. But God says “the reward will be very great” for those who love their enemies (Luke 6:35).

Let’s trust Him on this—and act accordingly.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: How to Deal with Difficult PeopleBy Shaunti Feldhahn and Laurie Davies This week’s blog is jointly written by both me and my lead editor, Laurie… Turn Conflict Into ConnectionWhy does so much conflict happen in our marriages? Jeff and I have found one very important answer. Decades of… Perfect Practice Makes PerfectYou know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I… Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary ThomasAfter one hundred and twenty straight book rejections, this week’s podcast guest Gary Thomas landed the book deal he spent… With Money, the Three Gs Matter – Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace  I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to… The Power of Believing the Best in Your Spouse  What are the happiest couples doing differently than the rest of us?  On this week’s podcast, Jeff and I take…

The post How to Deal with Difficult People appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Turn Conflict Into Connection

Why does so much conflict happen in our marriages? Jeff and I have found one very important answer. Decades of statistically valid, nationally representative research has revealed one of the main reasons for hurt feelings, withdrawal, anger, and the guest bedroom looking like a much better place to sleep.  

Are you ready for it?  

Without meaning to, we often “hit” our spouse where they’re most insecure. Picture hitting a raw nerve—only in your spouse’s emotions rather than in their body. When this happens over and over, we often convey a message of “you don’t measure up” or “you’re not really loveable.” We would never want to send those messages, and often don’t realize that’s what we are doing. This leads to so much conflict and heartache that doesn’t have to be there. 

There’s a better way. And we reveal it in this week’s episode 5, Turn Conflict Into Connection. 

In fact, if you’re married or planning to get married, this week’s podcast is not to be missed. These research findings have been game-changing for millions of marriages around the world, and we’ve heard uplifting stories from literally thousands of people at speaking events about their stories and examples—some of which we share in the podcast.  

So, tune in! Learn to speak to the tender places in your spouse’s heart that you (or they!) might not even have known existed. This might be the marriage podcast in 2025 that takes your marriage from so-so to so fulfilling. 

There are more details on the podcast below, but first, I also recorded a quick video message to you this week. We’ve been making exciting changes these last few months, and I want to keep you, my loyal email subscribers, in the know—and say thanks.  

Always appreciative of you, 

~ Shaunti 

Episode 5 details:   

  Episode 5: Turn Conflict Into Connection 

  Release Date: March 25, 2025   

  Duration: 45 minutes    

  Summary: In this podcast episode, Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn take a look at one of the main sources of conflict and heartache in marriage—and how to transform it into a source of connection. The episode is rooted in decades of robust nationally representative research, yielding answers that are surprising, encouraging, and can be applied immediately to transform any marriage. After tuning in, you’ll understand the main insecurities that most men and most women face, and you’ll leave knowing how to support your spouse rather than unintentionally nicking their most raw nerve. 

   Resources & Links Mentioned:    

For Women Only 

For Men Only 

Today’s podcast features the type of game-changing, research-based findings that will strengthen the marriages in your church. If you are interested in bringing Shaunti and Jeff to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.  

Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, Share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.    

 Connect with Us: We love hearing your thoughts, stories, and voices. Connect with us on social media or email us at webcontact@shaunti.com. Your story could be on the next I Wish You Could Hear This episode.   

Practical help for Real Life   

  Our brand new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episode 5! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.   

  On I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.    

  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today.   

 You’ll hear not only from us but from fellow authors and friends (so you hear the good behind-the-scenes stuff!), marriage and relationship experts, everyday people, ministry leaders, and other researchers. (We promise to keep that last one fun and fascinating, not boring!)    

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Turn Conflict Into ConnectionWhy does so much conflict happen in our marriages? Jeff and I have found one very important answer. Decades of… Perfect Practice Makes PerfectYou know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I… Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary ThomasAfter one hundred and twenty straight book rejections, this week’s podcast guest Gary Thomas landed the book deal he spent… With Money, the Three Gs Matter – Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace  I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to… The Power of Believing the Best in Your Spouse  What are the happiest couples doing differently than the rest of us?  On this week’s podcast, Jeff and I take… Why Can’t My Husband Seem to Take Criticism (and Why Does He Shut Down?) “Why does my husband seem so ‘fragile’?”  The words hung there on the jumbo screens during a live, interactive segment…

The post Turn Conflict Into Connection appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Perfect Practice Makes Perfect

You know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I love speaking at conventions like that. One main reason is that I know it will come with the opportunity to hang out with and learn from the other speakers.

But some time ago, it was the assistant of a Christian speaker who absolutely captivated my attention with a remarkable story. To protect privacy I won’t name the speaker, but the person is known worldwide as having a powerful gift for communication. Everything this person says just flows.

This person’s assistant told me something behind the scenes. They were on a multi-country tour, and the assistant went to knock on the speaker’s hotel room door to head out for the day’s event. But suddenly, the assistant heard what sounded like discussion inside the hotel room. So the assistant waited … and waited … and the speaker didn’t stop talking.

Finally, the assistant heard a few words and realized … wait a minute, that is a section from their usual speech! This speaker, who routinely has audiences in the absolute palm of their hand, and who had given this talk dozens of times, was … practicing.

“I have to practice,” the speaker told the assistant. “Everybody thinks it comes naturally, and maybe there’s some of that. But I have to practice it right ahead of time, if I want it to come out right onstage.”

Here’s this truly anointed speaker practicing—with the intent of practicing it right.  Not just memorizing words, but the perfect voice inflection, excitement, pauses, and intention in order to serve the audience well.

It made me think of a devotion I wrote on “perfect practice” in my recently re-released devotional Find Joy. Practice is not just about “practice makes perfect” like we’ve so often been told. It’s practicing the right things correctly.

Like living a life of gratitude and joy, for example.

It’s not just about something tangible, like practicing a speech, or a golf swing, or a particular way of creating widgets for your family business. It’s also about practicing a good attitude and a mindset that will serve us well.

I’ll let the devotion tell the rest. Then we’ll outline what to do about it.

Growing up, I spent every spare minute in musical theatre: singing, dancing, acting; classes in voice, dance, drama. Practice, practice, practice. Whether theater or sports or math, “practice makes perfect,” right?

Well … no. As legendary coach Vince Lombardi said, “Practice does not make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect.” Hard work itself doesn’t bring the win, because you could be working hard at the wrong things. What brings success—in activities and in life—is working on and practicing the right things over and over and over. That goes for music, football, yoga, studying foreign languages, cooking … and living a life of joy instead of anxiety, discouragement, or stress.

Why? Studies show that doing something repeatedly forms neural pathways in the brain. The more we do it, the stronger and deeper those neural pathways become—it’s like a new flow of water finding a path over the land, which then becomes a little rut, which eventually becomes a gully. Absent an interruption, that path becomes the default course.

Our thought patterns form pathways, too—both positive and negative ones. We want to feel joy, peace, and delight, but we aren’t always “practicing” the daily habits that lead to that.

That’s why, in my devotional book Find Joy, we identified the eight elements, or keys, of finding joy, so we know what patterns to practice that will carve a path to where we want to be.

One of the crucial elements is gratitude. Not just the quick jolts as we throw up a “thank you, God!” because we finally found a parking spot (although that’s a great start!) but the deep thankfulness that we are intimately loved and cared for by the Creator of the universe—the kind of gratitude that is unrelated to our circumstances, health, parking spots, or even whether we know where our next paycheck is coming from.

We may also need to take a hard look at whether we have dug an anti-joy “gully” in our mind and must create a better path. Here’s the key question: what happens when we don’t get our way or aren’t in happy circumstances, and what are we practicing as a result? Is it gossiping and complaining to a friend or on social media? Is it exasperated eye-rolling or worried sighs? Negative chatter and a fretful heart are just us being really good at practicing the wrong thing.

When we purposely replace those reactions with a legitimate prayer of gratitude (“Thank You, God, even in this challenging situation. I know You’re in the middle of it, and I know You will bring blessing through it”), we live in true joy.

Let’s practice THAT.

When it comes to gratitude, how exactly can we practice it? Here are four ideas to get you started. Perfectly.

Practice step #1:Practice holding your tongue when you want to jump onto something your kids or spouse says.

Most of us remember our parents saying, “think before you speak,” and we know how important it is, but darn it … sometimes when we are triggered (“You forgot to put gas in your car AGAIN?!”) it can feel good to set self-control aside and just start barking.

This is a setback to the growth in our brain’s positive pathways. And we usually have a relationship to mend, too. So, challenge yourself to stop practicing the wrong thing (unloading on people you love) and instead start practicing the right thing (zipping it for a bit!)

Practice step #2Practice stopping a train of thought that trends toward anxiety, stress, or “what ifs.”

Statistically, this is especially challenging for women. In Chapter Three of For Men Only, we demonstrated how, unlike most men, most women can’t easily compartmentalize or shut off worries that are bothering us. 

That said, on the survey, 41% of women said they had learned how to do that; how to set aside anxious, stressful, and what-if kinds of thoughts. What is their secret?  When I ask them, the common thread they share is that it’s basically practice. They practice “taking every thought captive.” For example, when a mom starts worrying because her teenage driver hasn’t checked in yet, she shuts down the horrific thoughts about accidents and ambulances and instead tells herself, “He is a responsible driver, traffic is probably bad, and he probably hasn’t called to check in because he is driving.”

Practice step #3Practice giving “equal minutes” to gratitude as you do to your favorite show or hobby.

Oh, now I’m really getting into your space, right? Seriously, though, in order to learn this new gratitude habit, we’re going to have to give it time. If you have a hobby or a favorite show, what would it look like for you to give a similar amount of time – or even just a percentage of that time!— to practice gratitude in some way? For example:

Hide notes for your family telling them how grateful you are for x, y, or z. If your teenage son usually takes out the trash, hide a note for him with a $5 Starbucks card where the new trash bags are stored. If your husband always shakes the dirt out of the car mats in your car, leave a note of gratitude under the floor mat, so he’ll see it.Spend dedicated time your knees, thanking God for everything you can think of. Use the alphabet as a guide if that helps. I’m thankful for the Air I breathe, the Bed I sleep in, the Cat that curls up in my lap (okay, that one is mine), you get the idea.Practice step #4Practice thanking God when it’s hard.

We can develop an instinct to stop in the middle of our challenging situations and thank God. If we can’t find anything in it to thank Him for in it, we can thank Him for how He will bring us through it. We can thank Him for how He has helped us in the past. We can thank Him for the creativity and wonder He will display in working our toughest situations out for good.

If nothing else, we can thank Him simply for who He is.

I have seen God turn the ugliest, scariest scenarios into something unexpectedly beautiful in my own life and the lives of those I love. He can and does still work wonders. When we praise Him when it’s hard, that’s beautiful to Him. The Bible calls this a “sacrifice of praise.” It’s praise that costs us something.

It will change your life. And, that’s what I call perfect practice.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Perfect Practice Makes PerfectYou know those big conventions that have workshops, exhibit booths, and lots of chaos? This may sound funny, but I… Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary ThomasAfter one hundred and twenty straight book rejections, this week’s podcast guest Gary Thomas landed the book deal he spent… With Money, the Three Gs Matter – Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace  I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to… The Power of Believing the Best in Your Spouse  What are the happiest couples doing differently than the rest of us?  On this week’s podcast, Jeff and I take… Why Can’t My Husband Seem to Take Criticism (and Why Does He Shut Down?) “Why does my husband seem so ‘fragile’?”  The words hung there on the jumbo screens during a live, interactive segment… From Struggle to Strength: A Marriage Transformation StoryIf your marriage is in a season of difficulty, you will not want to miss the incredible reconciliation story of…

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Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary Thomas

After one hundred and twenty straight book rejections, this week’s podcast guest Gary Thomas landed the book deal he spent eight years working toward. You might have heard of the book—it’s a little title that’s sold more than one million copies, Sacred Marriage.   This week Gary unpacks the personal realities that led to the profound thoughts in his bestselling book. (If you haven’t read it, I strongly urge you to pick up a copy!)

This week Gary unpacks the personal realities that led to the profound thoughts in his bestselling book. (If you haven’t read it, I strongly urge you to pick up a copy!) 

Also on the podcast we get real about what it’s like to navigate attacks and divisiveness in the public marriage ministry space. We go behind the scenes in this episode on so many things, including Gary’s simple, doable strategies for navigating the criticism he has faced. (Hint: His strategies are two things he is intentional about every day—two things that each of us can focus on when facing criticism or fallout of any kind. You won’t want to miss it!) 

Also, if you have lost a loved one recently, you will be strengthened by Gary’s fresh experience and insight. “It was as beautiful as something as ugly as death can be,” he said, describing the very recent passing of his own dad, who lived to age 95 and left a 68-year marriage legacy of a “love that grew exponentially.” 

Marriage does and can get better. Tune in this week to discover big-picture truths and everyday practices—including one courageous step that can help insulate rather than isolate your marriage. 

Episode 4 details:  

Episode 4: Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary Thomas 

Release Date: March 11, 2025  

Duration: 40 minutes   

Summary: In this heartfelt conversation, Gary Thomas shares his personal journey through trials, the legacy of love from his family, and the profound impact of marriage on spiritual growth. He reflects on the challenges of writing and the importance of perseverance in the face of rejection, all while emphasizing the beauty of relationships and the lessons learned through life’s hardships. Also in this conversation, Gary and the Feldhahns recalled the power that a simple phone call can have to encourage someone in their life and ministry. 

  

Resources & Links Mentioned:   

https://garythomasbooks.substack.com

Gary Thomas

Gary Thomas Books on Amazon

Practical help for Real Life 

Our brand new podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This  is live now with episode 4! Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms. 

Support the Show: Our podcast thrives on the support of our incredible listeners. So subscribe to our podcast, Share your favorite episodes, leave us a review, or send us an email to start a conversation about sponsoring an episode or an entire season.   

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If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

On our podcast, I Wish You Could Hear This, Jeff and I offer proven steps to help you thrive in your life, faith and relationships. In other words, we’ll offer the practical help you’ve grown accustomed to right here in this blog space.  You’ll take away specific steps that help you today. Listen, follow, and share with your friends on YouTube, Apple Podcasts, Spotify and other platforms.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: Navigating Life’s Trials with Gary ThomasAfter one hundred and twenty straight book rejections, this week’s podcast guest Gary Thomas landed the book deal he spent… With Money, the Three Gs Matter – Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace  I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to… The Power of Believing the Best in Your Spouse  What are the happiest couples doing differently than the rest of us?  On this week’s podcast, Jeff and I take… Why Can’t My Husband Seem to Take Criticism (and Why Does He Shut Down?) “Why does my husband seem so ‘fragile’?”  The words hung there on the jumbo screens during a live, interactive segment… From Struggle to Strength: A Marriage Transformation StoryIf your marriage is in a season of difficulty, you will not want to miss the incredible reconciliation story of… Why Doesn’t my Wife Feel Secure? Today’s blog is for the guys, and trust me you’ll thank me for years to come. I’m going to help…

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With Money, the Three Gs Matter – Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace

I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to share a cup of coffee at my kitchen table, let’s just say you’d have to be okay with kitchen cabinets that have a certain 1981 flair. Oh, and cereal boxes that are stacked on top of our refrigerator because we have no pantry.

In fact, for years, I groaned about that, saying (or thinking) things like, “It would be so nice to have a pantry. If we had storage space, then I’d be happy.” 

Did you catch it? I was doing the if/then thing. And if you’ve ever found yourself in that trap, you know that it gets exhausting. Why? Because discontentment is exhausting.

Discontentment doesn’t just affect us. When we model this and other cues about money, possessions, and God’s provision to our kids, we are also—intentionally or not—laying a foundation for their future views. Wouldn’t it be refreshing to send our young people into adulthood with a firm handle on what I’ll call the Three G’s: Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace?

Each one is essential for us to grasp. And when we do, we also give our kids (or any of the young people in our lives— I’m looking at you, grandparents, youth leaders and children’s volunteers) a template for grasping them, too.

Cultivate Gratitude 
 

One way Jeff and I have tried to inoculate our kids (and ourselves) against discontentment over the years is by fostering a sense of gratitude. This really came home for me one Saturday when the kids and I decided to hop in the car and “just drive around.”

We set out over the hill from our house into an old-money area of Atlanta, where beautiful streets are lined by gorgeous homes with manicured lawns. At ages 8 and 11, the kids were old enough to appreciate them. As we drove around, I heard the kids saying, “WOAH!” and “Look at that one!” at these magnificent houses. Finally, we returned home, pulled into our driveway, and the kids said …

“WOAH!!”

About our house. I wanted to cry. Our kids realized it’s a great home. God has given us a great family with a lot of love and they realized we live in a woah house. Even with its conspicuous lack of kitchen storage. 

I will treasure that moment for the rest of my life. And gratitude was at the core of it.

The thing is: None of us is born content. We enter the world in a frenzy to get our needs met, and if we follow that course unchecked, we are headed for a life of self-pity, comparison, and ingratitude. Gratitude is the better way.

The Bible says gratitude helps us to be content in all circumstances, and research bears this out. Two psychologists who have extensively studied gratitude asked participants to write a few sentences each week. One group wrote about things they were grateful for, another group about their irritations. The third group was asked simply to write about things that affected them, with no emphasis on positivity or negativity. Those who wrote about gratitude reported more optimism and fewer doctor visits!

In my own research, when we interviewed couples for Thriving in Love & Money, gratitude rose to the top in strategies couples employ to navigate finances well together.

So, as we seek to leverage the power of gratitude in handling our finances, why not invite our children to join us? In fact, why not teach them? The apostle Paul wrote in Philippians 4:11, “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.” Here are some strategies to cultivate gratitude in our kids.

Say “thank you.” 
 
It’s not just good manners: teaching your kids to say thank you helps them notice that their lives are filled with good things. It’s hard to say, “Thank you for the great dinner, Mom!” and desperately want a new pair of Air Jordans in the same moment.  
 Keep a gratitude journal. 
 
Find a notebook for your child and encourage them to write one thing they’re thankful for every day. If they need ideas to get started, maybe pick a new category every day, like something green or something in their bedroom. 
 Take a walk! 
 
Turn family walks into an exercise in counting your blessings. Encourage your kids to notice cool things using their senses. What do they see, hear, smell, and feel that makes them feel thankful? Sprinkle Generosity 

The second G is a foundational habit that we are hopefully building in ourselves—and that will grow kids into good stewards of their finances one day. It’s generosity.

Holding money with open hands puts it in its proper position of servant instead of master. And as parents, we can model the unexpected truth of how being generous can both bless others and keep us free us from being controlled by money.

(A caveat: Make sure your kids aren’t being generous to “buy” friends, though. Giving from the heart should bring a sense of joy and freedom, no strings attached!) 

Here are some generosity principles to keep in mind, as you coach your kids in giving:

Start small. 

The amount of the gift isn’t as important as the heart behind it. Jesus reminds us that the widow’s two coins counted more than the money of the rich because of her attitude. Giving a quarter for Sunday school offering could be a great start!  
 

Give a portion of whatever you earn.  

This could be money earned from a weekly allowance or a teenager’s fast-food paycheck. Either way, encourage your child to give—both tithes and offerings. For example, maybe you set aside a portion of your paycheck for spontaneous giving (“Let’s help that neighbor who just lost her job with some money to buy groceries.”), and your kids also pick up on the sheer delight of that.

Give time. 

Could your family agree on ways to serve at a local homeless shelter or church thrift store? Not only can this help your kids see needs outside of their own, it can also help them cultivate gratitude for their own good things. 

Extend Grace 

As a married couple, and in leading your children, remember to lead with grace. We parents make money mistakes sometimes, and our kids won’t always get it right either. That’s why we are teaching them! Having a flexible and forgiving attitude, and having conversations about the value we attach to experiences or things can help them form ideas they’ll take into their future relationships.

If your teen ducks out on family dinner for Chick-fil-A or your nine-year-old doesn’t want to chip in for his brother’s birthday present, that’s your perfect opportunity to refresh their understanding of gratitude and generosity as you patiently extend grace.  

Of course, the sneaky benefit of teaching our kids The Three G’s is that we get to examine our own attitudes about those principles. (If as a couple, you have any tension about money or avoid talking about it, I highly recommend my book Thriving in Love and Money. You’re not alone!)

In the end, money can be a great point of connection in our marriages and with our kids. Let’s approach it that way.

If you are interested in having Shaunti bring research-based strategies, practical wisdom and biblical principles to your next event, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Dive deeper into relationships with our podcast, “I Wish You Could Hear This.” Explore the transformative stories of our guests, each sharing insights that could revolutionize your relationship approach. Navigate challenges, celebrate triumphs, and unlock deeper empathy, and understanding. Tune in to “I Wish You Could Hear This” on your favorite subscription service or watch the episodes on our YouTube channel!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);More from Shaunti’s Blog: With Money, the Three Gs Matter – Gratitude, Generosity, and Grace  I live in an older house with a non-refurbished kitchen. So if you and I ever got the chance to… The Power of Believing the Best in Your Spouse  What are the happiest couples doing differently than the rest of us?  On this week’s podcast, Jeff and I take… Why Can’t My Husband Seem to Take Criticism (and Why Does He Shut Down?) “Why does my husband seem so ‘fragile’?”  The words hung there on the jumbo screens during a live, interactive segment… From Struggle to Strength: A Marriage Transformation StoryIf your marriage is in a season of difficulty, you will not want to miss the incredible reconciliation story of… Why Doesn’t my Wife Feel Secure? Today’s blog is for the guys, and trust me you’ll thank me for years to come. I’m going to help… Welcome to Our Podcast – and our Crazy, Unscripted Story!Jeff and I should never have met at Harvard in fall of 1992. We were in different years of our…

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