Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 13

Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1)

In honor of Father’s Day, this two-part blog is a follow up to an earlier series on what every new dad can do to be a competent and confident father. This series shares the research on what every mom can do to encourage rather than discourage that process (Part 1) – and takes an opportunity to show dads how appreciated you really are (Part 2).

Dads are … different.

I’m quite sure that is not a surprise to any mom reading this. I dare say most of us have experienced those slightly amused, slightly terrified feelings of watching the latest flip-them-in-the-air thing our husband was doing with our toddler. Or watching the equivalent, years later, as he lets a young middle-schooler gleefully steer a bouncing ATV on vacation.

Although we know, deep down, that kids need the difference a dad brings, it is tempting to step in, dial it down, and even snatch the toddler out of his hands (or the middle-schooler off the ATV) to keep our precious kids safe.

In other words … to strongly imply that the man in our life is an inadequate, reckless father who isn’t considering or doesn’t care about the consequences of his actions or safety of our kids.

Most of us don’t actually feel that way! We appreciate our man as a father. When we stop and think about it, we know he isn’t truly reckless or uncaring. We want him engaged but might be shutting him down instead. In other words: we may not realize just how much of a dad’s involvement may be up to us.

This dynamic is so common, it even has an official name in research literature: maternal gatekeeping. Literally hundreds of researchers have found just how much a father’s involvement is tied to the “gate-opening” (encouraging) or “gate-closing” (discouraging) actions of the mom. This dynamic has been studied all over the world. One of the most recent studies was from China. It appears to be simply part of the human condition – and of marriage!

So in honor of all the fathers out there … how do we honor our men rather than shut them down? In Part 2, I’ll share the fascinating and fun results of my recent polling of how you do exactly that – as well as one of the funniest responses I’ve ever seen from a dad.  But in this Part 1, here are four facts that rise to the top as I look at many research studies.

Fact 1: Dads may be different – but their “way” is essential

Men sometimes seem like a different species for a reason. Their brains are wired differently, their communication, emotions, and processing patterns are often drastically different … and all of that creates unique strengths and parenting characteristics that our children need.

Let’s look at the data. Many studies going back decades have found that children of involved fathers have better brain development – they are literally smarter, and are more likely to enjoy school. Children of positively involved fathers are less likely to act out and choose risky behaviors – even when the parenting style is more permissive. Kids of involved dads are less likely to have depression. They are more likely to be happy and more likely to be successful in life and love years later. Even when the involved father figure is a step-father rather than the biological father, kids improve on many measures of well-being.

This doesn’t mean that kids who lack a father (or a mother for that matter) are doomed to hardship. And sadly, it doesn’t mean that all fathers will be good ones (just like not all mothers are good ones). But it does mean that if our kids are blessed to have a good father who cares, we have to do our part to ensure that he is able to be the father he is made to be.

Fact 2: When we let a dad be a dad … he is more likely to be a dad

Our men want to be good dads. They want to jump in – but they might hold back out of insecurity or uncertainty.

Remember that many of our research studies, starting with For Women Only, have found that roughly three out of four men look confident but have a lot of self-doubt on the inside. In general, a man is more likely than a woman to want to be sure that if he steps up to the plate, he’ll be able to take a good swing at the ball (in other words, at this parenting thing) instead of being told his stance is all wrong and feeling stupid. Trying to stay in control and tell our man “how” to parent is a good example of “gate-closing” behavior that will discourage involvement. (This article outlines some others.)

Thankfully, most of the studies over the decades (including the new one on mothers and fathers in China) have found that when we women encourage our men and “allow” them to do their thing, they are more likely to jump in. Our “gate-opening” behaviors, like handing him the baby, cheering him on as he allows the middle-schooler to steer the ATV, or saying “thank you so much for taking the kids to play outside while I was on that Zoom meeting!” are exactly the sorts of encouragement he needs to feel that he can step up to the parenting plate without fear of a wild pitch.

Fact 3: And because he’s being a dad … stuff may happen

Part of giving up control and being okay with a dad’s “way” means realizing that things will not always work out the way we want. As we mentioned in the earlier blogs, a dad is far more likely to engage in rambunctious play – or let kids do so – than a mom. Which means it won’t always be all safe. 

I remember a weekend family retreat where I shared these points with the women on Saturday morning and then spoke to the couples that night. A woman came up to me that evening and said, “So while we were in here learning about how men parent differently, some of our husbands were out driving around on the grass with the kids in the backs of their pickup trucks! My husband hit a hard bump and our 10-year-old son tumbled out and broke his arm. So we spent the afternoon in the ER.”

She sighed. “I was really upset at first. I thought what happened was proof that I shouldn’t trust my husband, no matter what you said. But then I calmed down, reminded myself that my husband is a smart guy … and realized that if my son is going to become a strong man he needs that sort of insanity and adventure instead of always being protected by mommy. And that is just going to carry a risk that I’m going to have to trust my husband with. I know it’s crazy to say, but I think I’m just going to have to keep reminding myself that my husband loves our son just as much as I do!”

Fellow moms, I know that “allowing” our men to be dads can go against every protective instinct. And yet if we prioritize only protection, we will indeed have a safe, protected child – and will never realize just how much our child is missing.

Now, of course, all bets are off if we suspect that our man is truly reckless, under the influence, or cold and uncaring. In that case, ignore this whole piece and get advice from someone who can help you keep your kids safe! But in most cases, our man’s judgment is not defective – it’s just different. And it changes everything when we counter the temptation to close the gate by opening it instead, even if it might mean a few more winces or even ER visits than we would have had if we were the only parent.

(And yes, it will help to repeat to ourselves: My man loves the kids just as much as I do!)

Fact 4: Dad time can make all the difference

One of the great surprises of the Covid pandemic was how much certain social factors (for example, marital satisfaction) improved even as others (for example, anxiety levels) worsened. Many of the improvements could be tied to one simple factor: People were spending much more time with their loved ones. And we simply become closer with people we see all the time.

But there was another crucial thing that happened: Early on in the lockdown phase, a Harvard report found that fathers were growing closer and closer with their kids. Regardless of racial background, socio-economic status, education, and a host of other factors, nearly 70% of men felt closer to their kids and more than half said their kids were talking to them more about emotional matters.

Just because they were spending more time together.

So let’s encourage that time together. Let’s swing that gate wide open, knowing that our man wants to walk through it. Or … perhaps… swing wildly on it with his squealing child.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1) 4 Shifts That Brought a Struggling Marriage Back From the Brink Rocky Finances Don’t Have to Mean a Rocky Relationship! The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 2) The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 1) “I Got Divorced too Quickly… but Maybe it Can Work”

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4 Shifts That Brought a Struggling Marriage Back From the Brink

A note from Shaunti: I’m excited this week to introduce you to the newest member of our team, our lead editor Laurie Davies, via this guest blog. If your marriage has settled into a place of “so-so,” or if it’s hanging on by a thread, her story – coupled with small shifts that brought her marriage back in a big way – may offer a vision that your story could change, too. 

By Laurie Davies 

The trip to Alaska felt like a Hail Mary. Only it was our marriage – not a football – flying 2,500 feet through the air. My husband Greg and I planned to explore rugged Alaskan wilderness and maybe put our marriage back together. It didn’t seem like too much to ask. 

The previous few years had been rough. We’d both buried parents and dreams. Our son moved out in a huff, leaving us with an empty nest, which sounds a lot like emptiness. A couple of ruptured discs required back-to-back spinal fusions for me. And there were the other ruptures – marital patterns that we’d stopped attending to because, let’s face it, the sandwich years can take a bite out of bliss.  

Headed to a retreat attended by strangers from all over the U.S., I hoped beach walking and whale watching would take us back to the love for recreation that highlighted our 20s and 30s.  

But of all things to rekindle a spark, it was … potatoes. 

A marriage on the brink finds breakthrough 

On a tiny, Wi-Fi-free island in the Kodiak Archipelago, our lunches and dinners were chef-prepared. Our host said we were on our own for breakfast. On Day 1, Greg was up and out of our room early. Jet lagged and disoriented from Alaskan summer nights, I rolled over and skipped breakfast, grateful for the whole bed and quiet room. On Day 2, he tiptoed out again, and on Day 3 … same.  

At lunch that day, the conversation of a couple seated behind me revealed the truth. Before breakfast every day, my man hightailed it to the kitchen to prep potatoes. Then, he short-order cooked everything from eggs-over-easy to pancakes. For strangers. 

I never saw it coming. He scrubbed, peeled and diced his way back into my heart. 

Greg was who he had always been – a servant. I just hadn’t seen it in a while. The stress and strain of tending to the affairs of deceased parents, being at odds over how to parent a boundary-bucking teenager (and holding difficult emotions when he moved out), and navigating health challenges had taken a toll.  

We walked along the beach and I told him I admired his servant’s heart. He said he loved how I firmly established myself as the class clown on Day 1 of our trip. And we both felt it. Something shifted. We started an upward spiral. 

Our trouble spots weren’t fixed on a walk along the beach. (That would be a Hallmark movie.) But a counselor worked with us to help us yield with humility and empathy toward each other. Tears fell. Grudges died. Bad patterns came into the light. Marriage counseling is hard. The drive home can be long and silent or exuberant with breakthrough. But stack it all up together, and Greg and I found something stronger than what stood before. 

If anything in our story sounds like your story (or you’d like it to), how do you find your way back? Better yet, how do you not drift apart in the first place?  

Here are four small shifts that made a huge difference for us. (They’re all found in Shaunti Feldhahn’s book The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. I have a fun footnote on that at the end of today’s blog.) 

 

Shift #1: Believe the best. 

In the push and pull of stress and disappointments, it takes an extra gear to believe the pain you cause each other isn’t on purpose. I Corinthians 13:7 says, “Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.” It’s like a sandwich, with bearing and enduring as the bread, and believing and hoping as the fun ingredients in the middle. 

Of course, there are situations when “bearing” or “enduring” don’t apply. If there’s abuse, then safety, boundaries, and outside help are critical. But for most garden-variety trouble spots, renewing our minds to believe the best in our spouses is a game-changer.  

In the nationally-representative survey that undergirds the The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, Shaunti found that even in struggling relationships, 97% of spouses said they care about their mates. This means if we’re assuming our spouse doesn’t care, statistically, we’re wrong. And that means our resulting unhappiness is based on an assumption that’s also wrong.  

Greg and I have found that not only does believing the best of each other’s intentions lead to greater happiness, it’s also a whole lot less work. 

Shift #2: Close up the distance. 

Do you think it’s possible to live under the same roof without living together? I’m asking for a friend.  

The question sounds silly, doesn’t it? Married couples see each other every day. But it’s amazing how many pockets of isolation an average home offers if you look for them. And boy, did Greg and I look for them.  

This “retreat to your corners” mentality is not good, and Shaunti’s research bears this out. Only 35% of struggling couples hang out with their spouse at least weekly, compared with 83% of very happy couples.  

Our counselor got out a prescription pad and wrote “spend time together.” Greg’s a rule-follower and I never met an assignment I didn’t want an A+ on, so we set out to do our “homework.” We didn’t always talk, because we were talking a lot in counseling. Sometimes it was enough to walk across a beautifully lit bridge at sunset. Eventually we held hands. Finally conversation came. All the other good stuff didn’t take long. 

As recently as last week, we hit a speedbump and rather than retreat, we set aside our individual priorities and spent the whole weekend together. We hiked, watched NBA playoffs, enjoyed live music, and stayed close. Grace is easier to show to someone you’re not avoiding. 

Shift #3: Laugh more. 

One of the things that drew my husband to me was humor. He says I am the CFO of our family. That might not stand for exactly what you think it stands for. 

It’s Chief Fun Officer. 

We had some pretty lean, mean years with some of the stuff I already mentioned. What I didn’t mention was that on any given day I looked like I was fresh out of central casting for a zombie apocalypse film. Life sucked the fun out of me. I’m not saying all the levity in our marriage is on me because that’s not fair. But somewhere along the way, life got too serious. 

The happy-marriages research talks about bossing our feelings around, and there’s something to this. Scripture reminds us to think about what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. (I would add silly to the list, but that’s me.) I decided to start being fun again. This doesn’t mean Greg always laughed at my jokes (even though they were funny) because we were still working things out. But Proverbs 17:22 (NIV) nails it: A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones. 

Shift #4: Have fantasies. 

Okay, now we’re getting to the good part, right? Fantasizing. 

With facts. 

I know. It’s not what you thought was coming.  

For years, Greg lived under the burden of something I expected him to deliver, because it comes easy for me. But it’s difficult for him. Greg has so many stellar qualities. He’s loyal, and chivalrous, and a servant (while I was writing this blog he literally asked me if the noise would bother me if he vacuumed.) But he’s just a man.  

I’ve learned to shove my unrealistic expectations aside and I think he’s done the same for me. We’ve learned to be grateful for how we do meet each other’s needs. We have, as Shaunti writes, “factual fantasies.”  

Maybe some of that comes more naturally in our fifties than it did in our thirties. Life and probably God humbled our pride. Walking through fire purified things that needed to go. But once raging, fires are tough to tame. I’m glad we got help in time. 

I’ll end with the fun story I promised at the beginning. When I joined Shaunti’s ministry team, one of the first things that felt “official” about the job was the arrival of a box of her books. We tore it open and Greg picked up The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages, looked at me and said, “Well, it looks like we have lots of material to help us keep getting better.” 

Swoon. 

I didn’t have to go to Alaska to see the best in my man. He was in there the whole time.  

Not everyone will join the staff of a researcher and author whose life’s work is to help relationships thrive. But everyone can pick up a book from a store or the local library. Might I recommend The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages?  

There’s some good stuff in its pages. And none of it requires a Hail Mary. 

Laurie Davies is a writer, speaker, lay counselor, and ministry leader in the Phoenix area. A regular Guideposts contributor and former journalist, Laurie serves as lead editor on Shaunti Feldhahn’s Atlanta-based ministry team. She loves hiking, drinking hot coffee on 115-degree days (weird, she knows), and sharing life with her husband Greg and son Morgan. You can visit Laurie on her website or follow her on Instagram or Facebook. 

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

4 Shifts That Brought a Struggling Marriage Back From the Brink Rocky Finances Don’t Have to Mean a Rocky Relationship! The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 2) The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 1) “I Got Divorced too Quickly… but Maybe it Can Work” 4 Easy Ways to Start Helping Kids Understand Their Feelings

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Rocky Finances Don’t Have to Mean a Rocky Relationship!

By Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

Financial challenges are everywhere these days, aren’t they? Inflation is taking a bite out of budgets, and don’t even get us started on gas prices! Thankfully, there is a way to keep strained finances from creating a strained relationship.

We learned this very personally, ourselves. In March of 2020 we were releasing our latest research project and book –this time, to help married couples come together around money. Finances had always been our biggest marriage issue, and we tried to avoid the entire topic. But we learned so much in our research, and when Thriving in Love and Money was published we were determined to practice what we’d preached.

Ten days later, a national emergency was declared. The Covid-19 global pandemic shut everything down. We suddenly went from having a reasonable business model and cash flow for our ministry and our family, to seeing all speaking engagements cancelled, book sales plummet, and many ministry efforts pivoting onto completely different tracks.

Little did we know that following the principles in our book would keep our relationship afloat during one of the worst financial crises of our 28-year marriage. Here are the principles that mattered most for us – and that the data shows will likely matter for you as well.

It’s not about the money – so what is it about?

Our research found that when a couple has friction over money, it’s not about the money. The tension feels like it is about the dollars and cents but is actually about other factors under the surface –like how money makes us feel, our insecurities and fears, and how we process decisions.

Focusing on the dollars and cents is a trap because then there are only two solutions: earn more or spend less. But once you focus on what is under the surface, suddenly, solutions arise that help the relationship thrive despite the challenges – which then allows the two of you to get on the same page for the right financial answers.

In our case, we had begun to understand a few of these under-the-surface factors – for example, my greater comfort spending money triggers Jeff’s deep concerns (rooted in his early-adult years of poverty) about not having enough in the future — and were about to get a crash course in coming together to address them!

Talking about those factors is essential

We had seen in the data that the ability to talk about money was essential for a great relationship – which of course meant talking about those under-the-surface factors first. So we had committed to doing that instead of avoiding it.

A few days into the shock of the pandemic shutdown, Jeff came to me (Shaunti) and confessed that he was struggling with resentment about the money we had spent on nonessentials the prior year. His mind kept circling back to the trip to Disney World, the restaurants we’d enjoyed as a family, and those occasional times we went bowling or saw a movie. If we had avoided spending that money, we would have thousands more dollars in our bank account – funds we could really use in our dire situation.

Even though it can be hard to hear, it is crucial for every spouse to make –and welcome –an honest effort to share what is in their mind. Especially, if they feel any resentment arising, since our research discovered that it is important to catch it early. (Statistically, resentment is the tension most likely to lead to many others.)

Honoring what your spouse values (even if you disagree) is the core of what you have to talk about

But we can’t stop with sharing what is in our own mind. We have to share and honor what we think is in our spouse’s mind as well. This is the crucial step that moves money challenges from being an opportunity for conflict to being an opportunity for connection.

For example, when Jeff shared his bubbling resentment, he also dug deeper to try to recognize and appreciate what was behind my desire to handle money in a certain way (trips, eating out, movies). Here is what he said:

“I’ve always seen spending money as a net loss – dollars out the door. But I think you see it as an investment that will come back to us in better ways. Those times we took the kids bowling or when we went to Disney, you were creating memories and closeness as a family. And now we’re all stuck in quarantine on top of each other – and we like each other! I still might have spent money differently –like a picnic in the park instead of a restaurant night out – but I really appreciate that you were investing in our family.”

Suddenly, all my defenses lowered. All the negative feelings that used to make things spiral out of control when we talked about money were gone. Which made it so much easier for us to then lean into the tough conversation about embracing a strict financial austerity plan that would not only get us through a difficult financial season but also was also very personally important for Jeff.

What about you?

So as you navigate your own financial challenges…what is under the surface in your spouse and your marriage, that you two need to talk about? What is it that you two might disagree on, but that you can examine and realize – and say! —I see why that is important to you.

Taking those steps won’t solve a drastic rise in the cost of groceries or gas, and it won’t suddenly make your job (or your side gig) more profitable. But it will bring the two of you together. And if you are together, you can navigate these rocky waters in such a special way that when you look back, years from now, you may realize that although you wouldn’t have chosen the financial turmoil – you truly wouldn’t have wanted it any other way.

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The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 2)

In Part 1, we shared how the church needs to talk about sex. In this Part 2, we focus on how leaders and members of churches can do that, so the church addresses this vital topic well.

Well, that was illuminating.

In Part 1 of this blog, I asked nearly 100,000 readers whether the church should be the best place to talk about sex today. I asked people to anonymously share how their churches were advancing that conversation well, so that I could add them to this Part 2. Not everyone reads every blog, so let’s just estimate that about 20,000 people read it. Do you know how many replies I got?

Two.

Normally when I seek input we get many dozens or hundreds of responses. When I asked what people most want to learn and address about sex, we got 505 responses. But on ways churches are actually addressing sex well: two responses.

Now, there are surely thousands of churches out there addressing the topic well … but that ratio tells us something, don’t you think?

This can be a challenging topic. Yet as one pastor who Jeff and I had dinner with after a recent event said, “People are getting their guidance about sex from somewhere. We need to address it. After all, God created sexual intimacy. We should be the first people to address it, not the last.”

So what do we do? If you want to address the topic but aren’t sure how, today I’m offering a grab bag of six practical ideas you might choose from, and mix and match what works for you. As we mentioned in Part 1, some of these came from conversations with Pastor Todd and Denise Doxzon at Omaha’s Love Church. Jeff and I were impressed at how beautifully they handled it.

Idea #1: Offer to create a working group at your church.

The church pastor or director of community/family ministry will often be too busy to take on one more thing. But if you as a trusted lay leader offer to form a group to brainstorm, they may take you up on it. If they do, pull together an approved, trusted group of people who care about marriage, are willing to brainstorm on the topic of sexual intimacy, will report back to leadership with potential next steps, and then have the capacity and wisdom to help implement what the church leaders decide.

The working group can explore questions like:

What does our church body need in this area?What might that look like for our church?How can we include young people in the conversation to help them form biblical views?What are the specific next steps for this working group?Once we are ready … what are our specific next-step recommendations for the church?

Idea #2: Share a specific idea with your pastor or marriage ministry leader – and help with next steps.

If your leaders know there is an interest in discussing sexual intimacy from a biblical standpoint, they may be more open to wading into this area at a Friday night couples’ event, addressing it in married couples’ small groups (see the bullet points at the end for one idea), creating support groups, or teaching on intimacy during the worship service. The key is: your idea has to be as specific as possible.

As Todd Doxzon told me, “As a pastor, I have a million people giving me a million different ideas. So to make something actually happen, someone with a passion for that idea has to give me a practical, quick picture for what it could look like. Like show me an article about it. Or a short video. If I can see exactly what they are proposing, and have a very clear next step, I’m more likely to say, ‘let’s do it.’”

In other words, as an example (and forgive the shameless plug), “Hey pastor, I’d love someone to talk about not only general marriage topics but also intimacy at our fall date night. Here’s a five-minute clip of Jeff and Shaunti Feldhahn talking about it, so you can see what I mean. If you like that idea, we can put them on the list of speakers to explore.”

Idea #3: Use the church’s regular scripture progression as an “excuse” to address the issue during the sermon.

One of the things I respect about Love Church is that their church family reads through the Bible each year, and Sunday teaching is always on one of the scriptures of the week. The weekend of our marriage conference and Sunday morning discussion, the text just “happened” to be 1 Corinthians 7:2-5, a passage about how important it is for spouses to fulfill each other’s intimate needs.

Any sort of regular “read through the Bible” program gives a pastor the opening to say to the congregation, “Well, 1 Corinthians 7 (or Hebrews 13:4, or Genesis 2:24…) is one of our passages of the week. So here goes.”     

And it doesn’t necessarily have to be a normal “sermon.” For example, at Love Church the pastor and his wife had a conversation onstage together, and then invited us up into an informal panel discussion for the second half. Another church recently created a “Marriage Sunday” and invited us to teach. There are lots of ways to handle the topic of sexual intimacy in church, while keeping it both encouraging and sacred.

Idea #4: Be set up in advance to receive prayer needs and refer people to counselors.

I’ve already shared (in Part 1) that at the Love Church marriage conference it was very clear how much people wanted and needed to talk about this topic.

That was even more clear on Sunday morning. It was deeply moving to watch couples being freed from burdens that had caused so much misunderstanding and pain in their marriages. A sense of not feeling alone, coupled with their own leaders’ vulnerability and biblical teaching on the topic triggered a truly amazing response. Dozens flooded to the front at the end of the service, acknowledging a need for prayer and ministry for the pain points in their sexual stories.

This is why Jeff and I do the work we do – to find research-based lightbulb moments that transform relationships. But rarely have we seen such a dramatic response in the area of sexual intimacy in such an immediate way.

And the church was ready for the response. They knew that addressing this topic would lead to the need for direct ministry, so they had people ready to pray. They had counselors standing by to receive calls that next week. They had church leaders available to talk. And they were ready to absorb any pushback and guide the church further in the direction of, “We talk about real stuff here.”

Idea #5: Be sensitive to how the church can help bring healing for past hurts.

After years of #MeToo and different streams of the church asking for forgiveness for not handling the sex topic well, there is a greater awareness today than ever before for how the church has a role to play in healing.

One of the most powerful things I saw on that Sunday at Love Church – and one of the reasons I think there was such a flood of people seeking prayer ministry – is that the pastor stood up on stage and said, essentially, “The church hasn’t always handled this topic well. We have caused hurt. Please forgive us.”

Every pastor will handle that message differently. But it has the potential to help set people free from what might be years of past hurt.

Idea #6: Love on your pastor or church leader, no matter what he or she decides about this topic.

Pastors have much on their plate right now. According to recent Barna data, significantly more pastors are doubting their calling (55% in 2022 compared to 24% in 2015) and two in five thought of quitting in the last twelve months. Many church leaders would love to have a marriage ministry in their church but don’t have the bandwidth or the right systems in place yet. There may be lots of reasons they cannot share with you for why they need to wait.

So when broaching a topic like sexual intimacy in church, make it a point to come alongside your pastors and church staff – not only with specific ideas for this topic, but also with the encouragement that you appreciate them no matter what direction they decide to go. That will nourish their souls more than you can possibly know.

Ways Jeff and I can help

If your church is interested in helpful resources, here are specific ways we might be able to come alongside you:

Consider proposing that small groups for married couples work through a marriage and intimacy curriculum. Our RightNow Media course, Unlocking an Intimate Marriage ­– based in part on our book Secrets of Sex & Marriage – will release in August 2023. Sign up here and we’ll notify you when its available. (Scroll to enter your name and email, then click “Notify Me!”)We would love to talk to your church about speaking as part of a marriage event or a sermon time. Please reach out to us to start that conversation; we can help you brainstorm options and share what we have seen work well. (Find info about our marriage events here.)If you have a premarital counseling process, a marriage ministry, or a lay counseling program, we hope our newest book Secrets of Sex & Marriage – co-authored by me and renowned sex therapist (and pastor) Dr. Michael Sytsma – will be a great resource for your people.

In the end, whether we come alongside your church to speak during a weekend, or your church taps one of the many other wonderful resources available out there, sexual intimacy is too important a topic to leave alone. The good news is, with some of the ideas above, anyone can get the ball rolling.

Maybe it’s you.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 2) The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 1) “I Got Divorced too Quickly… but Maybe it Can Work” 4 Easy Ways to Start Helping Kids Understand Their Feelings The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2 The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 1

The post The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 1)

Do you think the church should be the best place to talk (appropriately) about sex? If so, I want to share a great example of a local church that did it really well – and share ideas for how their approach might work in your church, too. I also want to say thanks to those who are out there leading the way on this topic.

As Jeff and I have been researching – and now speaking on – our latest book Secrets of Sex and Marriage (coauthored with Dr. Michael Sytsma), we have seen four encouraging truths that every church attender (and every pastor) needs to know. We are covering that here in Part 1.

We have also seen practical actions anyone can take to up their church’s game on this topic – so make sure to check next week’s part 2!

Here are four truths every church leader and church member needs to know:

Truth #1: The church has come a long way in this conversation — and there’s still a long way to go

Thirty years ago, the church just didn’t talk about sex. The brave pastors who tackled sexual intimacy or Christian sexual ethics knew they might be confronted by embarrassed or angry people after the service. Unsurprisingly, many pastors simply stayed away from the topic! Some still do.

The thing is, the Bible doesn’t stay away from sex – and the enemy doesn’t either. A few months ago, Jeff and I were speaking at Omaha’s Love Church (which you’ll read more about in a minute), and a quote shared by senior pastor Todd Doxzon stopped me in my tracks: “The enemy will do everything he can to get you into bed before marriage, and everything he can to keep you out of it after marriage.”

Wow. That’s a powerful summary of the situation.

The truth is, God created sexual intimacy for good reasons … and there’s an enemy who wants to mess it up. If the church doesn’t talk about sex, we’re leaving the field open to Hollywood, social media, pop culture – and the enemy – to fill in the blanks.

Thankfully, today, many churches do address the topic! Some have groups to address specialized needs (such as pornography struggles), or discuss the topic in a healthy way in their youth ministry, or teach on it from the stage. Often, when Jeff and I are talking to a pastor to help plan a marriage conference, we are asked to cover the issue.

Many other pastors want to tackle the topic but aren’t sure how. So I turned to the leaders of Love Church in Omaha — who I thought tackled the topic really well — for ideas.

Truth #2: The need is real – whether we address it or not

When Jeff and I spoke at Love Church, we first did a Friday night/Saturday morning marriage conference, then a sermon interview at the Sunday worship services (a common format for us).

For the marriage conference, senior pastor Todd Doxzon and his wife Denise wanted one of our talks to be around sexual intimacy. As Todd told me, “We wanted you to address it – and we wanted to address it. We’ve got a shepherd’s responsibility. It’s like with money. Because some pastors have abused that topic, some swing the other way and don’t talk about it. But then we’re not equipping the saints to understand biblical stewardship. It’s the same here. It can feel awkward at first, but we’ve seen the incredible fruit that comes from shepherding and equipping the saints on this topic.”

After our talk on intimacy, we invited attendees to submit live, anonymous questions through our polling app – and Todd and Denise joined us onstage to answer them.

We were flooded with questions. Here is a tiny sampling:

After I became a mom my sex drive really went down due to being too tired and not having body confidence. How can I build this back up?How often should we have sex?Is it okay to feel uncomfortable with/not want to do something in the bedroom that my spouse wants?How do you authentically honor your spouse sexually if you struggle with having lost your sex drive completely?Is it okay to want to be playful, where sex is fun and not just “serious” or “biblical”?When the Bible says “submit to your spouse” does that mean I’m obligated to have sex even when I’m not feeling it?How do I navigate my emotions knowing some of my husband’s struggles with pornography?How can we continue to have honest conversations about sex in small groups within the church?

Truth #3: Churches can address sexual intimacy well even when the pastor isn’t comfortable talking about it directly

Now, here’s the thing: The pastor doesn’t have to be the one answering those types of questions! Pastor Todd and Denise were comfortable directly answering, but it is okay that not every pastor will be.

Many church leaders have told me that one of the main reasons they stay away from the topic is that they know they won’t be able to answer all the questions and concerns that arise. As one pastor told me, “I feel like I’m stirring up a problem area that I’m not qualified to solve.”

Yet pastors know questions about sex are there, whether they address them or not.

The key is to lean on those who are comfortable engaging the topic. Whether that means speakers like us who come in from the outside, a local counseling group, a few experienced leaders who are used to fielding questions on sex, or all of the above. And pastors will soon find that most questions really aren’t that specialized.

Which brings us to our final and most important truth for the day.

Truth #4: Most people just want simple, biblical guidance, and to know they are not alone.

The vast majority of questions, concerns, heartaches, and dilemmas around sex will not require a high level of expertise. Most people just need biblical direction, the sense they are not alone, and new ways to talk about the topic with their spouse. (One of the reasons we designed Secrets of Sex & Marriage the way we did, is so couples could read it together and begin good conversations.) And they want the reassurance that even leaders don’t have it all figured out.

As Denise Doxzon told me, “Since that weekend, I’ve had conversation after conversation with people saying, ‘Thank you for simply being vulnerable, because it led to me being vulnerable with my spouse.’”

Most people aren’t expecting their pastors or mentors to know all the specialized answers to their sex questions! They simply want wisdom and encouragement. They want to be reassured that they are not a bad Christian for having certain temptations or insecurities. They want someone to say, “I don’t know the answer to that, but here’s a resource you can read that might help.”

And where specialization is important, nearly every church will have trustworthy speakers, advisors, or written resources they can partner with or refer to. The key is for these advisors to stay in their lane and if a topic comes up that they can’t answer — for example, a non-medical person being asked a medical question – to refer those questions to a true specialist.

Two Next Steps:

In Part 2, you’ll see some practical ideas for what a church can do to get started. But here are two big picture suggestions for now:

If you think your church is doing well in this area (if they talk about sex, if they have safe places people can get help, if the pastor addresses it, if they have other initiatives) please tell us about the good things they are doing via the form at the end of this blog. You can be totally anonymous if you’d like. In the coming months, we will write another article about it, to provide more ideas. If your church is interested in including this topic as part of a marriage event, or even a good, sensitive discussion as part of a Sunday morning sermon series, we would love to talk to you about speaking at your church. Please reach out to us to start that conversation; we can help you brainstorm ideas and share what we have seen work well. (You can also see information about our general marriage events here.)

Is all the effort worth it? YES.

Denise Doxzon offers great perspective to close out part 1: “Yes, addressing the intimacy topic might feel awkward, and yes there might be some pushback – but the fruit far outweighs what the pushback might be. If you’re willing to be vulnerable and you walk in humility and forgiveness with one another, conversations like this pave the way for more and more transparency and healing. It is so worth it.”

Jeff and I couldn’t agree with her more. We’ve seen it with our own eyes. And we would love to see churches across America witness the same, transforming truth.

Click here to tell us what your church is doing well in this area.

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“I Got Divorced too Quickly… but Maybe it Can Work”

This spring, Jeff and I have spoken at worship services of several different churches on one of our favorite topics: Restoring Hope for Marriage. We usually do this as a sermon interview, led by the church pastor.  I love pulling out the research from my book The Good News About Marriage, and showing the congregation that so much of the discouraging conventional wisdom about marriage and divorce (“50% of marriages end in divorce,” “the rate of divorce is the same in the church,” etc.) simply isn’t true!  

I also love watching hope come back into their eyes – especially since a sense of hope is one of the most crucial factors underlying whether a marriage makes it or not! 

The impact of hope 

It also thrills me to see the impact of that hope. In fact, I wanted to briefly share something rather astounding that happened at one of these churches and the lessons I’ve been taking from it. 

After one of these church services, a woman came up to me at the book table with a somewhat stunned look on her face. She said, “I recently got divorced – and like with most divorces, I am the one who initiated it.* But I am processing everything you said, and I now realize … I pulled the trigger too quickly. I got divorced too quickly.” She shook her head slowly. “You were right: I did it because I was just … hopeless. I didn’t see any way that anything could change. I just wanted the pain to stop. So I initiated the divorce. And of course, then it was just another kind of pain.”  

This woman looked at me with real spark of life in her eyes. “The thing is … my ex-husband is continuing to reach out. He keeps trying. And we have children. So we are actually considering taking a class together. With what you said – now I realize, maybe it can work!”  

She said she wanted to try. I prayed for her, we hugged, and she walked away… leaving me with tears streaking mascara down my cheeks.  

That is the power of hope! That is the power of someone learning just a few simple things that they weren’t aware of before, about hope for marriage. God can use even the most basic, good news about the state of marriage, spoken from a stage during a Sunday morning service, to spark new life – a new willingness to try.  

I was so unbelievably proud of that woman. Now, her realization will not be matched by everyone. And as I said during the services, those who have escaped abusive or unfaithful relationships will have a much more intense path to rebuilding trust before reconciliation could even be considered. But over the years I have heard multiple stories of people getting divorced and then God bringing them back together because hope was rekindled. (In these Family Life podcasts, you can hear a beautiful example from my friends Scott and Sherry Jennings of how God can intervene even in the most broken situation.) 

Lessons  

I have been thinking about this courageous woman, and I take away three lessons for all couples – and all of us who want to encourage marriages. 

Hope matters. If you need hope, go looking for it. It may be there, and you simply may not be seeing it in the darkness. For example, this lady I spoke to realized that her husband had been trying to rebuild the relationship in certain ways during their darkest time, but she just wasn’t seeing it because she felt hopeless. If you’re wrestling with this, you’re not alone! Many of the pastors of these churches invited us to speak expressly because once they learned the good news about marriage, they realized it restored their hope and they wanted to do the same for the people in the congregation. Clearly, as this example shows, it made a difference! God is the one who opens eyes. If you take the risk to be open to Him, He may surprise you. In a 35-minute sermon interview or talk, nothing we said was so hugely profound that it would lead to that outcome. But God is in the business of changing minds and hearts. Where we are willing to hear, He will work! Our job is just to listen to and/or share the truth – including to help others realize the inaccuracy of the bad information! Support will be essential. For those who newly have hope – reach out for support, especially through your church. This is one reason I’m passionate about every church having some form of regular encouragement for marriages, rather than just an ad hoc, case-by-case situation (which often primarily means referrals to counselors when someone is in trouble). Thankfully, the church where I met the woman I mentioned already had a marriage ministry she could plug into. If your church doesn’t have a marriage ministry, and you are someone who cares about marriage … offer to help the church start one! Imagine what a difference it would make for a newly hopeful couple to be able to connect with other couples who are ahead of them on the journey – for example in small groups, a marriage mentor ministry, or a Sunday school class.  

Seeing the impact of hope has given me hope – and a desire to keep sharing it! And I hope this example encourages you as well. Let’s all step out as those who spread hope to those who need it.  

* Roughly 7 in 10 divorces are initiated by women. 

Do you want Shaunti and Jeff to speak on Restoring Hope for marriage at your church, or do a sermon interview with your pastor on the topic? We’d love to talk to you. 

Click Here to Explore

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

“I Got Divorced too Quickly… but Maybe it Can Work” 4 Easy Ways to Start Helping Kids Understand Their Feelings The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2 The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 1 When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two

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4 Easy Ways to Start Helping Kids Understand Their Feelings

A Note from Shaunti: I’m very excited about this guest blog from Katie Kenny Phillips — a long time friend who was also my senior editor for many years.  She has recently transitioned into writing amazing children’s books.

I’m very excited to announce the release of her newest book, “Today I Feel Like a Jelly Donut.” This is a GREAT book for those of you who want to help your little ones understand and begin to manage all the emotions swirling inside of them. Enjoy!

Guest Post by Katie Kenny Phillips

As a mom of five kids (and raising two of them from trauma out of foster care,) I’m pretty sure I’ve seen almost every emotion under the sun. There’s not much that shocks me anymore because I’ve nearly witnessed it all – highs, lows, grumpiness, anger, silliness, fear, shame, joy. And because human behavior resulting from big feelings doesn’t necessarily tell the whole story (hangry people unite!), I’ve learned that it’s important to be curious about our kids’ feelings – and even our own – if we are to better interact with each other.

No one is surprised that a lot of kids are experiencing elevated levels of anxiety and stress. Just look at the last several years with a pandemic, virtual learning, social and political unrest, the list goes on. Adults are feeling those things too! But thankfully, we are now more open to discussing mental health struggles when it comes to ourselves and our children.

The time is now to help our kids understand their emotions and for us to be able to openly talk to them about their feelings, fears, and anxieties. And when they become well-versed in understanding their emotions, studies are finding there are long term benefits for them such as having better mental health, stress management skills, conflict resolution skills, more responsibility, and resiliency.

But where to begin?

1. Let’s help our kids stop and think about their feelings.

Doesn’t it sometimes seem like kids operate on 3 settings: happy, angry, and unconscious? But kids feel all the emotions, and when they’re little, they don’t often know the difference between being tired and mad, nervous and angry, ashamed and upset, frustrated and furious. If we’re honest, sometimes we don’t know the difference when we’re feeling similarly!

I know I’ve had so many moments when a child has been melting down and it’s been helpful to verbalize, “Hey, you sound upset and angry.” Or “You sound scared right now.” Or “Let’s take a deep breath because you sound so excited your words are rushing together.” Putting words to what must seem like a flurry of yelling, crying, stomping, or fussing helps kids put a name on the mysterious thing going on inside their bodies.

2. Let’s help our kids become curious about what they are feeling.

When we ask our kids to stop and think about what emotion they are feeling, it’s a good opportunity for them to become curious about what led them there. I’m always asking my kids to be a detective, whether it’s with finding something they’re looking for or looking for clues as to why they are angry, upset, sad, etc.

When a child realizes they can pinpoint the moment leading to their emotion, it may not change the feeling (mad/sad/jealous), but it will give them the emotional intelligence to say, “I started feeling upset when my friend said they wouldn’t play with me any more today. It made me feel sad.” Or “My teacher thought I broke a toy at school today, but I didn’t. I feel upset that she didn’t believe me.”

Stretching that emotional intelligence muscle will help them as they mature and start them on the path to becoming a lifelong learner of their own – and other people’s – emotions and behavior.

3. Let’s help our kids by validating their feelings.

It doesn’t do anyone any good to tell someone to stop feeling what they’re feeling. Or to tell them what they should be feeling. For example, how many of you have successfully calmed down when someone told you to calm down? Doesn’t it make you furious? 

It’s important when kids are having big feelings to validate them. Acknowledge the fact that you understand why they are upset or sad or frustrated. Starting by validating their feelings can help them feel understood, even if the next step is helping them figure out what to do about it. It goes a long way to tell an embarrassed child, “I totally get why you felt embarrassed being asked to speak in front of your class. That happens to me at work too. It makes my cheeks and ears hot, and my stomach feels nervous. Let me tell you what I do when that happens to me.” Or “I understand why you’re crying and sad about not getting to watch TV anymore today. I get that feeling. I love TV, too!”

4. Let’s help our kids take their feelings to God.

Ultimately, we want our kids to know that God made them, and He loves every bit of them – including the big and the small feelings! It’s a great opportunity to point our kids to Jesus and say, “let’s ask God to help you when you feel sad. He’s always with you and wants you to know He’s here for you when you’re sad or happy or anything in between.”

We can also help guide kids to take their joy, happiness, gratitude, contentment, etc. to God as a way to praise Him. “Let’s thank God for this happy day!” Whatever they are feeling, God wants to know about it, and loves them no matter what emotion they are experiencing.

Emotions can be complicated. But they are also normal and valid and worth understanding. As we help our kids mature in their emotional intelligence (ok, and as we also mature), looking deeper at all of our feelings will help us maintain connection. With each other, and with the wonderful, creative, loving God who made us.

Katie Kenny Phillips is a mom of 5 and a children’s author who loves helping kids (and their grownups) see God’s love for them with fresh eyes. Her books are available on Amazon including her book, Today I Feel Like a Jelly Donut, a Book About Emotions. Whether they are excited like popcorn, sad like an onion, or so nervous they could crack like an egg, kids will have a fun and easy way to visualize and understand their emotions. And most importantly, discover that no matter the mood, no matter the food, God loves them just the way they are! You can also visit her on her website or follow her on Instagram.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

4 Easy Ways to Start Helping Kids Understand Their Feelings The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2 The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 1 When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three.

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The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2

This is a two-part blog to encourage and equip parents of teenagers. See part 1 here. Pass this along to a parent who needs it!!

In the first part of this blog, we shared the stunning truth that although our high-schoolers certainly don’t look it, they secretly want us to stick with our “staying on top of them” parenting role. As long as they see our actions as helping them grow (see the details in part 1), they don’t want us to give in and become a friend before it is time.

But in the midst of drama, pushing, and confusion about what on earth we should do, it can get exhausting to stay the course and finish the high-school season strong. So in this part 2, we share the final four actions that will help us do that.

Action #3: Say goodbye to guilt

As parents, guilt can bully us into making concessions that aren’t good for our kids. Here are two examples: 

Suppose John and Jackie don’t let their 15-year-old go out with her friends because her homework isn’t done, and they’ve been clear about this expectation. Predictably, their teen lashes out, calls them the worst parents in the world, and slams her bedroom door – with a parting shot that she’s having a hard enough time fitting in at school without her parents keeping her from having a social life. John and Jackie are at a critical juncture. They know they can let guilt goad them into relenting, but they decide to hold their ground, knowing it’s in their daughter’s best interests.

Or take Aaron and April, who have both been working many late hours to shore up their struggling family business. They feel guilty for being so unavailable, and compensate by setting aside the healthy guardrails they had originally placed around their sons’ video game use – leaving the boys to play for hours on end. Months into this new rhythm, Aaron and April see that the ramifications aren’t great, but feel even guiltier about trying to reestablish the rules around gaming – especially because the boys have gotten so used to being able to play whenever they want. And with the economy the way it is, they know they won’t be able to cut back their own work hours any time soon.

As parents, the temptation to slip into guilt-based parenting strategies is real. So whenever you feel that sense of guilt, acknowledge it but remember that you don’t have to give into it! Remind yourself of the vital research-backed truth from part 1: Our teenagers actually want us to stand our ground! When we sidestep that role out of guilt (or for any other reason), we actually create a situation where they feel uncared-for and insecure. (Not to mention a situation – as with the gaming example – that is potentially really unhealthy for them.)

An important note: being the parent rather than the friend doesn’t mean swinging the pendulum of rules enforcement back to a pattern that was more appropriate for early childhood! In a few months or a few years, your teenager will be flying on their own – so now is when they should both be able to earn and experiment with the freedoms they are pushing for and know that a parent is looking over their shoulder to see how they are handling those freedoms.

Action #4: Give them the reassurance they long for

One of the most crucial things our kids need during the turbulent teenage years is our steady presence, affirmation, and our reassurance of our love and care for them – even when they make the inevitable mistakes. And both of those things go a long way toward the (secret) goodwill that allows a child to truly want the parent to keep hold of the reins for a while. (As noted in part one, see Chapters 4 and 5 of For Parents Only for more detail on what that looks like.)

Now, sometimes (as with the Aaron and April example above), it simply isn’t possible to be as present as we want to be. But, we can all find ways to affirm our kids. Encouraging words are like fuel for your child’s heart. (For some examples tailored to tweens as well as teens, consider these phrases that will make your child’s day.)

Action #5: Plan time to connect as a couple

I can almost hear what some of you are thinking: But I need help reining in smart phone use, disrespectful language, and teenage drama! I need a survival strategy for parenting teenagers, not a date night. Ah, but regular time to connect as a couple is a survival strategy.

Here’s why making time together as a couple is so important: Even though the research shows that teenagers actually want us to take charge, they’ll also expend a lot of energy challenging our authority. As couples, this can leave us frayed, frustrated, and – if we’re not careful – fighting with each other. Spending regular, meaningful time talking, praying, being sexually intimate, and planning for the future helps us stay attuned to each other’s needs. In this way, we can also address our teenagers’ needs on stronger footing – together instead of taking the “tag, you’re it” approach.

What about those who would love to have a spouse’s support, but instead are single-parenting? I have several close friends who are single parents, and I know you are in a unique and often difficult situation. So the first thing you need to do is have grace with yourself! Yes, your child needs discipline and attention – but it is totally understandable that you also have to juggle your sanity. However, for the sake of your kids, it is also important to find the support you need to stay the course.  Being the bad guy can be lonely when you’re the only bad guy! It is crucial to seek connection and help through a small group at church, prioritize time in God’s word, and get equipped through excellent and specialized resources like those at Focus on the Family.)

Action #6: See the long view

Often, what feels like the worst thing to do – especially if it’s accompanied by pushback or drama – is, in the long run, the best thing to do. Remembering that long view and “thinking forward” is a crucial tool in staying steady despite the chaos or drama.

Here’s an example. Remember John and Jackie? Together, when they decide to enforce the homework rule, they can go into the conversation anticipating that their teenager may have an emotional reaction (slamming the door, accusing them of making life harder) and being okay with it. Why? Because they also go into the conversation knowing that deep down inside, she will be glad her parents are nudging her toward responsibility. They can even anticipate that there may come a day when their daughter even looks back and thanks them!  

This long view will help you overcome the short-term theatrics with knowledge that you are building character and a sense of security in your teenager. (If you need new strategies, see my article on how to handle teenage “drama.”)

One of my team members recently relayed to me how frayed her relationship was with her son in high school over things like the hours he spent gaming and his helpfulness (or lack of it) around the house. Now, he’s a dean’s list college student whose initiative has earned him several promotions at his part-time job. He thanked her recently for instilling a work ethic in him that’s helping him thrive. “I hated it when you limited my Xbox time and made me unload the dishwasher, but I knew you were doing it because I’d gotten out of balance. I wouldn’t have admitted it at the time, but even then I knew it was true,” he said.

Friends, in the end, even if we do everything right (which of course we never will!), we have to know that our teenagers will be mad at us from time to time. When that happens, repeat after me (under your breath if your teenager is in the next room) “She’ll thank me in five years, she’ll thank me in five years …”

And then exhale, knowing you’re are loving your teenager the way the Father loves us. With loving boundaries, our best interests at heart, and the long view in mind.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 2 The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 1 When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three. God is on the Move at Harvard – and in our World

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The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 1

This is a two-part blog to encourage and equip parents of teenagers. In this part 1, we share an encouraging big-picture truth. In part 2 we share strategies to help you implement it. Pass this along to a parent who needs it!

As a mom who has been launching young-adult kids into the college and career phases of life, I was delighted recently when my daughter wanted help shopping for clothes for her first “real” job. As she walked up to the cashier with her selections and presented her own debit card to pay for what she would be wearing the next day, I smiled a little inside. I thought about what a remarkable thing it has been to gradually shift, over twenty-two years, from parenting that focuses on teaching obedience and discipline, to parenting that focuses on steering and coaching teens to handle increased freedom … and now to parenting that focuses on mentoring and friendship. 

Here’s the encouragement for parents who are one parenting phase behind me, with kids in high school: you can do it! Stay the course and finish this phase well rather than skipping it because it gets exhausting. If you’re like many parents in our research, you may be tired from your teenager’s constant pushing and pulling at boundaries during these increasingly independent years. It may feel as if you have an active, willful colt that wants to run and is not happy during those times when you rein them in! You may be grappling with the temptation to drop the reins of steering and enforcing boundaries for your child, become the “cool parent,” and skip straight to the “friendship” phase.

Don’t! Finish strong. There will come a day when transitioning to the friendship and mentoring phase is essential, but believe it or not, your kids themselves realize they aren’t ready for that yet! I’ll prove that to you shortly. What matters most is not that your teen now sees you as the “cool parent” because you let them do what they want. What matters most is that, in a few years, your adult child will look back and say, “You were such a great parent, and you set me up for a great life.”

Here are six action steps that will help any parent of a teenager hang in there and “finish strong,” before you hand over the reins. (The first two today, and the other four next week in Part 2.)

Action #1: Recognize that your teenager secretly wants the parent, not the friend

My guess is most parents of teens have tried to take the best-friend path at one point or another. Sometimes, as noted, this comes from the sheer exhaustion of teenagers pushing back on our boundaries. In other cases, we may be overcorrecting for our own strict upbringings – and so we determine to give them way more freedom than we were allowed. And let’s face it, sometimes we just want to be liked.

In the end, though, this is why we really hand them the reins: We think that’s what our teenager wants, and it will stop all the drama. We think our child is pushing for us to transition to the “cool parent” who will let them do anything they want. We think if we do so, we’ll finally – finally – have peace.

We think all that … and we would be wrong about all of it.

Here’s the astounding truth revealed in a nationally-representative survey of teenagers ages 15-17, for For Parents Only: Teens see you taking charge as a form of love and security. And they see you not taking charge as both a sign that you don’t really care about them and as a character flaw in you that is worthy of their secret (or not-so-secret) derision.

Your teen will probably never tell you this to your face – at least until after the high school years! But when asked to choose how they’d like their parents to relate to them, 77% of these anonymously surveyed teens preferred parents who set reasonable rules, stayed on top of them about homework, cared about who they hung out with, and stayed involved in their lives. Only 23% preferred parents who let them do what they wanted, didn’t bug them about homework, and didn’t enforce rules.

As one teen we surveyed put it: “I have friends at school. I need parents!”

As teenagers practice running free, they tell us it is exhilarating, it is what they are overwhelmingly motivated by… and it is also a bit scary. In the national survey, they confessed that no matter how much they might say otherwise in the moment, they know they need your guidance and reasonable enforcement of gradually-lightening rules. Your presence gives them the security they need to thrive.

Action #2: Use your authority to develop their capacity

That said, for the kids to (secretly) want your rules and enforcement, they also have to believe one very crucial thing: It has to be very clear that your authority is being exerted to help them develop their own capacity for responsibility.

All bets are off if a teenager sees their parent operating from a place of “showing them who’s boss,” or setting and enforcing rules just for the sake of having rules – rather than setting rules that they see as helping them grow in character, self-discipline, and responsibility. Showing them who is boss might have been crucial for a younger child dealing with a rebellious attitude. But by the time that child is in high school – especially by the time they are driving age – the harsh reality is that they probably can figure out how to do whatever they want to do. Whether you have rules against it or not.

It makes sense that whether your teenager submits to your leadership at a heart level is heavily influenced by whether they see you as wanting to help them become a man or woman of strength and character, and whether they see you being there for them even when they make mistakes. (There’s a lot more to that than we can cover in this post, so if you want to know more about that, we suggest you order a copy of For Parents Only or pick it up from the library, and look especially at Chapters 4 and 5.)

So. As you grapple with this truth that your high schooler secretly wants you to have the reins for a little while longer, how can you make it through these next few years well – even when you’re tempted to just give up and give in? That is what we’ll cover in Part 2.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Good Thing About Being the Bad Guy, Part 1 When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three. God is on the Move at Harvard – and in our World 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 3

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When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One

Ladies, if YOU are the one with the stronger sex drive, here’s expert hope and help! 

Hi everyone. I’m thrilled to share a series of three important guest articles by nationally-recognized sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma, offering hope, encouragement, and direction to wives who have a stronger sexual drive than their husbands – a situation that we now know happens in one in four marriages. Because much of my research centers around the more common situation in which the man has the stronger desire for sex, many women with higher libidos have told me they are confused and frustrated by the lack of good information for their situation.   

So I turned to a group I’ve partnered with for many years in researching and writing my books. Building Intimate Marriages is an exceptional resource for online articles and counseling for issues of sexual intimacy, and its founder and director, Dr. Michael Sytsma, is the author of the three thorough and helpful articles in this series. He is also the co-author of our 2023 book, Secrets of Sex & Marriage, based on our three-year research study on marital intimacy. We are updating this series with the data from that study.  

If you are a woman with a stronger sex drive, I hope what you read encourages you to persevere in your pursuit of pleasure and sexual intimacy in your marriage! 

-Shaunti 

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One. 

By Dr. Michael Sytsma 

Conflict over sexual desire and frequency is the most common sexual issue causing distress in couples today. The age-old stereotype, of course, is that the husband wants sex all the time, but the wife isn’t interested. Increasingly, though, we hear from wives who are trying to figure out what it means when they are the high-desire spouse and the husband doesn’t seem to want it as often. These women want to know what on earth is going on and what to do. 

Ladies, while you can’t change your husband, there is a path you can start down that can help remove the conflict related to sexual desire within your marriage – and bring hope for a great mutual connection. 

But are you ready for the hard truth?  As with many worthwhile changes, the first stage begins with you.  So the focus of this Part One article is this: 

Prepare Yourself  Before Addressing it with Him 

Conflict over sexual desire is often really difficult for couples to work through, especially since many don’t have the critical tools they need.  Since you must understand each other to make progress, the most important tool is good communication. So….how are you at that?  If you personally can’t talk about finances, in-laws, or parenting without getting defensive, shutting down, or blowing up, it is unlikely you will be able to talk about the emotional topic of sexual intimacy without doing the same. If you need to, first seek some help learning good, solid communication skills. (For example, lovetakeslearning.com has an inexpensive, and well researched program that is excellent for helping couples learn how to communicate effectively.)  

Next, prepare yourself to address this well. Keep in mind that beautiful flowers grow when we have provided the proper soil, nutrients, and moisture. Similarly, here are three critical steps you can work on to build a great environment for addressing this important topic with your husband. 

Step # 1. Embrace Your Feelings, But Monitor Them Too 

We are all created with the desire to be pursued and wanted, especially by our spouse. When that doesn’t happen, it is normal to feel wounded. When the one closest to us doesn’t want to connect sexually, it is normal to feel hurt, concerned, and confused. Your fears are energized and begin to conjure up scary reasons he might not want to have sex. This can cause some people to get completely bogged down in anxiety and fear; they can feel just plain stuck, or they can totally freak out. 

I tell husbands in these situations that they need to allow their wives to be human. I warn them that if they don’t pursue their wives sexually, and if they turn them down when pursued, it is only normal for the wife to have normal, and typically negative, human reactions. The only way not to have those is to not care. And if she reaches that point — where she no longer cares— the marriage is potentially moving into the terminal illness stage and needs immediate assistance. 

That said, though: Wives should not give full license to those negative emotions. That will not be helpful! It is human to want to blow up, cave in, or run away when we feel a negative emotion, but allowing such reactions will almost always make the problem worse. When your hurt turns into an attack on your husband, that does not make you more desirable. I have worked with many husbands who, because of how their wives reacted when they didn’t desire to connect sexually, began to avoid sex altogether, even when they did have the desire. That can escalate into a pattern of avoidance that can be difficult to break. 

Rather than blowing up, caving in, or running away (even subtly), I encourage wives to center themselves. Recognize the hurt, but manage it well. This allows you to lean into him and do the next steps. This is tough work and can be an exercise in true selflessness.  (I work in a lot of church settings, and in that context we acknowledge this is also true discipleship.) 

Part of being centered is acknowledging both who you are – and whether you have your own issues to address.  I have worked with a number of wives who have a particularly high drive –and some who are actual sex addicts. If that might be you, I urge you to meet with a qualified female sexual addictions specialist for an assessment and a plan to address the issue. (You can find some referral resources at secretsofsexandmarriage.com.)  

That said, if you simply have a particularly high level of sexual desire, it is important to own it. It isn’t a bad or wrong thing. It may just be how you are wired, and it will be important to accept that about yourself. Being the high-desire spouse means your husband might not be able to keep up, which brings us to the next recommendation. 

Step # 2. Double-Check Your Expectations 

It is easy for us to get caught up in cultural stereotypes and expect our spouses to behave that way…. like the idea that men are always craving sex. While this may be true for many men, it is far from true for all men. If you take a look at our book Secrets of Sex & Marriage, you will see the results from our nationally-representative surveys of men and women – and see a great deal of diversity. Men aren’t always as simple as they are made out to be. The idea that men are testosterone-driven, desire-driven, and need sex frequently, is not necessarily true — especially as men age. 

It is true that testosterone activates the part of the brain that focuses on sexual objects and has sexual thoughts. At a young age, many men must work diligently to discipline this part of the brain. Some men learn the skill quickly and become fairly disciplined in their sexuality. Others learn to repress (shut off) that part of who they are and may have difficulty turning it back on in the appropriate context, such as marital sex. Or physical issues like aging can cause a decrease in testosterone and result in a drop in the intensity of sexual thoughts and drive. There are many issues that may result in a husband who doesn’t fit the stereotype of always wanting sex. 

While sexual drive is generally quite resilient in most men, we are affected by more than just testosterone. Male sexual drive can be affected by a host of external factors. A husband who is under a lot of stress, not sleeping well, not eating well, not exercising, or is generally out of balance, may totally lose interest in sex. While the male stereotype is, “If I only have a little energy left, I want to go out having sex,” I only see that in jest, or in a small percentage of husbands. To me, it makes more sense that God would design our bodies in such a way that, if we are too stressed or out of balance, our bodies would lose interest in sexual relations. If a man is barely keeping his head above water in life, his body might simply move sexual desire off the table completely. 

Besides testosterone, men also pursue sex for the rush and the connection. These too can be affected by a host of things that result in him having lower sexual drive. Most importantly: if he is feeling criticized, disrespected, or demeaned by you it might be very difficult for him to want sex. Criticism, or fear of not being able to perform to expectations (yours or his), are common killers of sexual interest.  

The reality is that many men experience times when they lose interest in sex for any of a variety of reasons. This is normal. If you, as his wife, don’t expect this occasionally, you might allow your hurt, fear, or confusion to reinforce your inaccurate expectations. The result is rarely helpful in raising his desire to be sensual and intimate with you. I’ve worked with many couples going through a season where the husband has low desire. Often, in the wife’s fear-based anger, she attacks the husband and his manhood (“What’s wrong with you? Real men want sex.”). This attack cuts to the core of the husband’s confidence as a male and often totally disrupts sexual desire in the marriage, turning a temporary situation into a true problem. 

Our research found that husbands have the higher sexual drive in 54 percent of marriages, while wives have the higher sexual drive in 24 percent of marriages (for the rest, the drive was equal). Which means that the wife has the higher sexual drive in one of four couples. That is not a tiny number. So realize: It is possible that nothing is wrong with you or your husband, and that you just happen to be one of those couples. Expecting to be one of the majority when you are actually one of the 24 percent can put undue pressure on your spouse, yourself, and your marriage. Again, it is fine if you wish you weren’t one of the 24 percent, but it is equally important to recognize that you might be. 

Now, does that mean you’re simply supposed to accept that you have a mismatch and “live with” the challenging and negative feelings that come with it? Not at all. You might need to accept that you are the high-desire spouse in your marriage, but that doesn’t mean there’s nothing you can do about it, or that you need to live with hurt, fear, and confusion. We’ll touch on this more in Part Two, but the bottom line is that there is a lot you can do to address the problem – but there’s also a lot you can do to address your feelings. Take charge of your emotions, so they do not take charge of you. 

Another area in which high-desire wives might have unrealistic expectations is in how frequently sex will happen. Some wives simply believe that his desire “should” always be higher than hers– no matter what hers is. The reality, however, is that most individuals (meaning both husbands and wives) report they would like sex more frequently than it happens. So the problem isn’t always the natural desire itself: it’s that other things get in the way of desire, such as fatigue, work, distraction, and fear — to name a few. 

His lack of desire might still seem like a problem to you, but before moving forward, try to check your expectations about what his desire should be, and what sex should look like as a couple. 

Step #3. Monitor Your “Attributions” (For Example: Don’t Assume You  Know  Why His Desire is Low) 

Typically, when a wife comes into my office concerned about her husband’s lack of sexual desire she tells me she is afraid he is attracted to men, is getting his sexual needs fulfilled elsewhere, or is no longer attracted to her body. We call these explanations of someone else’s behavior attributions. We view their behavior and attribute certain explanations to it. Our attributions can be accurate or inaccurate. Attributions can be positive and can affirm the marriage, or they can be negative and destructive. 

My doctoral research focused on desire discrepancy in married couples. My findings showed that the greatest source of pain in couples was not based on who had the higher or lower desire. In essence, the high-desire spouse’s level of desire was not the cause of the distress, and the low level of the low-desire spouse caused only a small amount of marital distress. Actually, the greatest predictor of distress related to sexual desire in marriage was not the distance between the high and low spouse’s level of desire. Instead, the greatest predictor of distress was in the attribution of the high desire spouse. 

Practically, what that means is that if you are the high-desire spouse in your marriage, what you think about your husband’s low desire is far more important than his actual desire level. Now, occasionally I do find that the wife’s worst fear about her husband’s low sex drive is true, but in most cases the reason is far more benign. The problem comes when, in their hurt, fear, and confusion, wives lock in on a negative attribution and don’t take the time to explore what might really be going on. They keep driving down the wrong road, demanding that their husband fix something that is not the core problem. 

Thankfully, once you’re mindful of the attribution trap, you can easily avoid it.  Especially as you begin a good process for understanding where he is coming from — which is what we will cover in Part Two. 

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part One When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Two When She Has the Stronger Sex Drive; Part Three. God is on the Move at Harvard – and in our World 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 3 8 Relationship Roadblocks that Sabotage Young Couples – Part 2

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