Shaunti Feldhahn's Blog, page 12

What I’m Loving Lately – August 2023 edition

Well, the summer heat has been on (literally) and the school year is beginning again for many (cue the kids’ groans), so this is a great time to be a little more lighthearted and highlight the top 6 fun and meaningful things that I’ve been loving lately. In reverse order:

#6. What is most satisfying: Student and teacher dance battle

I have saved this little video for a full 9 months, and the back-to-school season is the perfect time to remind students that teachers have much up their sleeves.

Our 8th grade Stingrays having a well deserved exam dance break. Of course our teachers are ending 2022 with a win. Love my Stingrays Happy Holidays @HCPS_SumnerHS pic.twitter.com/Mps92JPJAU

— Natalie.McClain (@McClainEducates) December 23, 2022

https://twitter.com/mcclaineducates/status/1606256351222431745?s=48&t=wf4SLXdUcZYBhPQlJf6nSA

#5. What is most eye-opening: The explanation every guy needs.

I know there are many exceptions to this, but I have heard SO MANY examples of where a husband said he was waiting in the car and trying not to get irritated, after his wife said “I’ll be ready to go in 5 minutes.” Many a confused or irritated man has asked me, “What’s up with that?”

Well, guys, if that is a common dynamic in YOUR household, ask your wife if this explanation is true of her! And if so, this might help you judge the time from now on!

When a woman says 5 minutes, think like 5 minutes left in the fourth quarter and both teams have all of their timeouts.

— Ernesto (@ErnieP35) May 14, 2019

https://twitter.com/ErnieP35/status/1128444283332255744#4. What most made me laugh: The hungry groundhog!!!

You may have seen this already, but it is officially one of my favorites. It makes me laugh so hard. And it raises so many questions!! Why is this little guy doing this in front of a camera, when he doesn’t know what a camera IS? Enjoy.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by | Hello! Welcome to #these_funny_videos community (@these_funny_videos)

https://www.instagram.com/reel/CoTPXrHDT2_/?igshid=MTc4MmM1YmI2Ng%3D%3D#3. What is most powerful: Katy Nicole’s music video for “In Jesus Name”

Let’s switch from the humorous to the immensely powerful. I have loved Katy Nicole’s song “In Jesus’ Name” from the moment I first heard it on the radio. But now that I’ve seen the music video, I hope everyone will watch it.

What a stirring reminder of the power of prayer and that Jesus’ name has all authority over EVERY situation in our lives and the lives of those we love! This is not the place for a theological discussion about the power of prayer versus the final sovereignty and mystery of God. But I think in the midst of our day-to-day struggles we too often lose sight of the POWER of our Lord’s great Name!!! As Jesus Himself said, “I tell you the truth, anyone who believes in me will do the same works I have done, and even greater works, because I am going to be with the Father. You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!” (John 14:12-14 ) N

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihrUIPfvTh8&feature=youtu.be#2. What is most rejuvenating: a retreat with other author-speakers

Jeff and I love doing the research and speaking at marriage events together – but it can be challenging and a bit lonely to be a couple in full-time marriage ministry. Enter some of my favorite people: three other couples in similar situations: Jill and Mark Savage, Greg and Julie Gorman, and Beth and Jeff McCord. We have had a Mastermind group for three years, and we recently rented an Airbnb for our third summer retreat together to share ideas, support, prayer, tears, and laughter. It was amazing. I’m so grateful for these brothers and sisters.

#1. What I’ve most enjoyed: Line dancing with a bunch of young twenty-somethings!

Line dancing is having a moment! My daughter and her friends who just graduated from college discovered a place in Atlanta that has food, drink, and line dancing lessons for out-of-practice people of all ages. They started going each week. Then they started asking us parents to join them!

I am hopelessly befuddled about why a gaggle of young twenty-somethings would want a group of parents to join in, but it has been SO MUCH FUN!! Not just to have a chance to do some dancing again, but also to hang out with my daughter and her buddies – and the other parents who escape to the sidelines when we need to catch our breath!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What I’m Loving Lately – August 2023 edition The Saver-Spender Disconnect in Marriage – and How to Handle It Debunking the Bad Rap Against Evangelical Men What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious —Why Aren’t You Doing It?” The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2)

The post What I’m Loving Lately – August 2023 edition appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Saver-Spender Disconnect in Marriage – and How to Handle It

By Shaunti and Jeff Feldhahn

Are you and your spouse on two different pages around money? The two of us certainly had that problem. In fact, we had such a disconnect that one of us pleaded with the other, year after year, to go the church’s financial management class – and finally went alone. But as we interviewed and surveyed couples for Thriving in Love and Money, we finally discovered what was underneath that dynamic – and that most couples have something similar.

Two different ways of viewing money  

In most marriages one spouse is more of a “saver” and one is more of a “spender.” Even when both partners are savers, one of them is usually simply more comfortable with spending than the other. And to make things more interesting, the savers are also usually more oriented around planning and structure, where the spenders often value having a bit more flexibility.

We’re going to make an educated guess that if this article caught your eye, you are probably more of the saver/planner type . . . and you’ve been wondering how to get your spouse on the same page. The answer to your question is crucial – but perhaps not in the way you think.

Because now we’re going to ask you to make an educated guess: Which type of person has built all the money-management courses? Written all the financial stewardship books? Hosts all the money-related podcasts and radio shows?

It turns out: the entire financial-management industry revolves around the belief that there is really one mostly “right way” to handle money – the saving/planning way. Which means, by definition, that the spender/flexor way is not considered the right way. Without realizing it, most resources, classes, sermons, and studies on money share the subtle message that the spender/flexor person needs to get with the program, change what they value, and mold themselves into someone different than who they are.

The consequences of a one-way approach

Is it any wonder that those who fall into that category would shy away from talking about money with their spouse? Would avoid attending the church financial management class together? Would perhaps let their spouse draft a nice, strict budget – probably without much involvement from their own point of view – and then mostly ignore it?

That’s what happened with us. Between the two of us, Jeff is more the saver and planner, and Shaunti values the ability to spend money more flexibly. For several years, our church offered free annual classes to anyone wanting help with financial planning or getting out of debt – and Jeff was beyond excited. Each year, Jeff wanted to sign up, but there was always some reason Shaunti couldn’t commit to the class: weeks full of travel, projects at work, or activities for the kids. This went on for four years. Finally, Jeff gave up and went on his own. Which, as you can imagine, wasn’t too effective in helping us manage our money as a team.

It wasn’t until years later, as we were researching Thriving in Love and Money that Jeff had a light bulb moment: He realized that the money management class would have brought out the intense side of his personality – the side that gets excited about “going all in.” And while this is not a bad thing, Shaunti can find it scary when applied to budgeting. (i.e., “Let’s eat Costco beans and franks every day for six months, and we’ll save a fortune!”) Knowing that attending a class together on budgeting would add fuel to the fire of Jeff’s love for strict goal setting, Shaunti instinctively avoided it. And we missed the opportunity for important conversations and actions as a result.

There’s no one “right way”

Here’s the reality we all need to reckon with if we are going to get on the same page about money: Both financially and biblically, there is no one right way to handle money. For every Bible verse the saver/planner quotes about not building a tower before reckoning with the cost, there is a verse the spender/flexor can quote about trusting God and not worrying about tomorrow. Both are true. Both are important.

Accounting for the “spender” point of view does not mean handling money irresponsibly. We are called to be good stewards of what God has given us. But there are many ways of being a good steward – including genuine Kingdom-honoring enjoyment of the good gifts that God has given us today, not just years in the future.

A couple is never going to be able to get on the same page around money until they find a way to honor both ways of viewing money.

Honoring both; becoming closer

The good news is: if you can indeed find a way to respect both of you, then not only do you have a truly mutual approach to finances, but you grow closer in the process.

In our case, once Jeff recognized that he had been essentially scaring Shaunti off, and changed tack, it gave both of us a chance to step back and look for what was good about the other person’s point of view. For example: “Even though I don’t think it is necessary, I see why you want to give the kids nice birthday parties that will draw in their friends.” Or, “Although I would love to be able to use the tax refund for a spring break trip, I do appreciate your desire to build more security in our savings.”

The two of us will probably never be similar money types. You and your spouse may not be, either. But realizing that we don’t have to be, can help each of us feel “seen” and honored. And that in turn will make each of us far more willing to “see” our spouse’s point of view as well.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Saver-Spender Disconnect in Marriage – and How to Handle It Debunking the Bad Rap Against Evangelical Men What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious —Why Aren’t You Doing It?” The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1)

The post The Saver-Spender Disconnect in Marriage – and How to Handle It appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Debunking the Bad Rap Against Evangelical Men

I have been waiting for a year to write this blog. (Actually, I’ve been waiting for twenty years, ever since my research began taking me into the minds of men and how they think!) About a year ago, I had dinner with author Nancy Pearcey, who shared some advance findings from her upcoming book The Toxic War on Masculinity: How Christianity Reconciles the Sexes – much-needed truths that push back on the popularized notion that the way men are wired is somehow faulty.  

Toxic, even. 

Well, that book is now out! And in this artful, well-researched work, Pearcey has given us reasons to applaud the good in men – especially evangelical men – by celebrating rather than denigrating the way they are wired. Most importantly, she shares outstanding data that thoroughly debunks the all-too-common myth of the overbearing, clueless, or coarse Christian male. 

As some of you know, I’ve been deeply concerned about the cultural wave that has labeled male characteristics “toxic” just because they are male. I already investigated that trend, so I won’t revisit the details here. But suffice it to say, the media (and social media) all too often lump all men in with the toxic few, or claim they need to shape up because they are, well, men.  

Pearcey was the victim of terrifying abuse in her growing-up years, but she resisted whatever urge she might have had to join that chorus. Instead, she got to work examining how culture lost its vision of healthy, biblical manhood – and, just as importantly, how we can find it again. 

The lost being found is the story of the Bible, and it’s also the story of Pearcey’s important book. I hope you’ll get a copy not only for yourself but for the key leaders you know (pastors, counselors, etc.). We all need this knowledge in order to push back when we hear myths and replace them with truth. 

To get you started, here are just a few encouraging findings everyone needs to know about the positive impact evangelical men have on their families. (I’ve included page numbers so you can flip through the book and find them easily.) 

Finding #1: Devoted evangelical men make the best husbands  

Our culture has piled on men for years now – and critics aim their ire in special doses toward evangelical men. If the groupthink is to be believed, evangelical men are domineering, patriarchal, and know just enough of the bible to be harsh with it.  

Now, before going further, we must make the same crucial distinction Pearcey does. There is a significant difference between devout evangelicals and nominal (literally “in name only”) evangelicals. These encouraging stats apply to evangelical men who attend church at least three times a month (as opposed to nominal evangelicals who attend sporadically if at all).  

Citing various studies, Pearcey notes that churchgoing evangelical men: 

Have the lowest rate of domestic violence of any group in America (p.14) Are 35% less likely to divorce than secular men (p.37) Are four times as likely to report being sexually satisfied as men in relationships with no religious activity (p.44) 

Isn’t that cool? And you’ll see even more encouraging stats in a moment.  

I love that her data lines up with positive findings from my interviews and surveys of more than 20,000 men and boys over the last twenty years. Despite the implication of the “toxic masculinity” label, most men want to be good husbands and be good dads – and they are!  

Of course, sadly, that is not universal. There are men who abuse their masculinity in very harmful ways. There are men who don’t care to improve and grow. But statistically, the vast majority of men – especially churchgoing Christian men – want to use their strength to help, protect, and serve those they love, not abuse and overpower them.  

Finding #2: Evangelical men are usually great dads  

Pearcey also looks at how well evangelicals stack up as dads. While, she says, “secular critics suspect religious conservatives of being harsh, authoritarian, autocratic fathers,” sociological studies paint a far more promising picture. Churchgoing evangelical dads are less likely to yell at their kids and most likely to know where their adolescent children are in the afternoons and evenings. They also: 

Are 65% more likely to report praising and hugging their children “very often” compared with secular or religiously unaffiliated fathers (p.41) Spend about 3.5 more hours per week with their children compared to secular fathers (p.41) 

In fact, churchgoing fathers often pay a “Daddy Penalty” at work – forgoing bonuses or promotions in favor of putting family first. Pearcey notes that studies of active churchgoing fathers find that “they are the most likely to set boundaries at work and to reject careerism so they can focus on their families.” Yes, plenty of evangelical men are concerned about providing for their families and may feel a need to work lots of overtime. But many others (especially younger men) are also willing to request flexible hours, take the lower paying job that requires less travel, or leave early to see their kids’ ball games.  

Finding #3: Wives of committed evangelical men are happier  

Given the stats I just shared, it makes perfect sense that wives of committed evangelical men are happier in key areas of their marriage relationship than their secular counterparts. In fact, Pearcey notes that “fully 73% of wives who hold conservative gender values and attend religious services regularly with their husbands have high-quality marriages.” (p.39) 

And among highly religious couples, wives are twice as likely as their secular peers to express satisfaction with their sexual relationship. (p.44) 

Yet if these same wives are sitting down to watch the news or listen to a talk show with their men, they’re in for a shock. Citing a media researcher who conducted a content analysis of more than 2,000 media portrayals of men, Pearcey reported that “more than 75 percent of all media representations of men portrayed them as “villains, aggressors, perverts, and philanderers.” (p.20) 

There’s a colossal disconnect between media portrayals of men and the committed, loving, reality that men are living out every day on sports fields, family rooms, and bedrooms. 

We must celebrate – and circulate – truth! 

I hope that sharing some of that data from The Toxic War on Masculinity was helpful (I couldn’t help myself!) but I also hope you’ll dive into this important book yourself. Pearcey not only overturns false assumptions about evangelical men, but she explores historical context for how we arrived at today’s flashpoint views about masculinity – and how we can move past them. 

Not everyone who reads this blog is a churchgoer. But all of us can agree that it is important to celebrate – and circulate – truth. It is vital to spread the word about the world as it is, and be a part of debunking discouraging cultural myths. Just as I’ve encouraged everyone to debunk the myth that the divorce rate in the church is the same as in society as a whole (in reality, churchgoer divorce rates are much lower), let’s be a part of debunking the concept that masculinity is toxic. 

Sin is what’s toxic.  

Should men hold themselves to a high standard? Absolutely. Just as women should. Should we excuse or ignore toxicity where it exists? Absolutely not. Just as we should not for a woman who happens to be toxic. Sin is not gendered. 

Masculinity itself is not the problem. But tragically, when it is treated as the problem, what becomes the solution? Emasculation. Our sons and our men are told that there’s something fundamentally wrong with them. Instead, men and boys need to be affirmed that they are created just as they are for a reason.  

From anthropology to neurobiology, science has clearly shown that men as a whole are created to be protective, providing-oriented, physically stronger, and more adventurous and aggressive than women. But when these traits are used positively, there isn’t a woman I know who wouldn’t want that man by her side – and on her side. 

We strong women need strong men. So we can do better than male-bashing. We can celebrate rather than fear healthy male strength. We can lead the way in changing the cultural dialogue. Picking up a copy of Pearcey’s well-researched book is an excellent start. 

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Debunking the Bad Rap Against Evangelical Men What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious —Why Aren’t You Doing It?” The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1) What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear

The post Debunking the Bad Rap Against Evangelical Men appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious —Why Aren’t You Doing It?”

When Jeff and I first began doing marriage conferences, one church decided to schedule their fall event for eight hours on a Saturday. We gently tried to suggest a shorter timeframe (Fall is FOOTBALL SEASON y’all), but the organizers truly wanted all day. So we taught on what men and women need to know about each other, built in breaks for snacks and lunch, and tried to keep the energy up—but it is really hard for any human to maintain their attention that long. Especially a male human (and some female humans!) who would otherwise be engrossed in college football games all day.

During our final session, a Q&A, one woman raised her hand and stood up. “I have been taking careful notes all day on everything you’ve told us, especially about what each of us can do,” she said. “I want to know why you have given the women all the hard things to do and the men all the easy things to do.”

Whoosh. You could hear the oxygen being sucked out of the room. Every man’s head drooped. Jeff and I looked at each other. We knew we needed to call an audible.

“I’m guessing most of the men don’t see what we’ve suggested as ‘easy’ at all,” I responded. “First, it’s been a long day for everyone. But spending all day in a relationship conference is particularly not a guy’s natural habitat. But these men have done it because they love their wives. Second, when you look at what we’ve asked them to do, the reason those things seem easy to you is because they are already inside your head and feel like second nature to you. But they probably don’t feel natural to most of the guys. In fact, the guys probably feel like what we’ve suggested to their wives is pretty simple, but what we’ve asked of them is going to take some work and effort.”

Touchdown! The men sat up a little straighter in their chairs, as if they felt seen.

The woman’s question came from an honest place, and it points out a really important action step for anyone who is married. If we want to create a great relationship, we have to recognize that what is second-nature to us isn’t always second-nature to our spouse! Just as important, what they need probably doesn’t come naturally to us, either.

Four steps will help us connect on what is most crucial to each of us.

Step #1: Catch the inaccurate thought when it comes up

This is an issue for both men and women.

In dozens of women’s events over the years, I can’t tell you how many women have asked (usually with exasperation), “But shouldn’t my husband just know what I need? It’s so obvious!” (Or the companion question, “Why should I have to tell him what I need?”)

I get it. You want your husband to be attuned enough to you that he knows, without being asked, how exhausted you are from working late and how much you’d love him to just take charge of the kids’ baths that night. Or maybe you want him to just listen to you without being told, “I don’t want you to fix it, just listen.” That sense of “he just knows me” makes you feel loved.

Likewise, men, you may be confused or frustrated about how to explain what you need, and wish your wife would just know, for example, your desire for sexual intimacy. Maybe you’re like the 97 percent of men in the For Women Only research who said the issue wasn’t really about getting “enough” sex; the real issue is that you want to be wanted. So you feel like it “doesn’t count” if you have to tell your wife you’re longing for that connection.

Both of those “they should just know” expectations are understandable—and usually highly unrealistic. When the other person simply isn’t likely to “just know,” that belief will cause more pain.

We must catch that inaccurate and potentially dangerous thought when it arises in our brain, and then immediately do Step 2.

Step #2: Tell your spouse what you need

To continue today’s football theme, sometimes we simply have to call the play. We have to lower our pride, be brave, set aside those inaccurate expectations, and tell our spouse what we need. We also have to tell ourselves something: “Just because my spouse didn’t ‘just know,’ or didn’t naturally do XYZ, doesn’t mean they don’t care about me.”

Yes, we should be learning each other over time. But even after many years of marriage, we will always need to help each other run the right plays.

Step #3: Say the things your spouse needs to hear (even if it doesn’t come naturally to you)

Because of some of the general (although not universal) differences between men and women, the unique way our brains our wired, and even how we were socialized growing up, the words our spouse most needs to hear may be the least natural for us to say. Which means we need to start being very intentional.

Most women have told me, for example, that they think appreciative thoughts, but have to be very purposeful about actually saying, “Thank you” or “good job” to their husbands. Those words don’t roll right off the tongue. And yet, as we found in For Women Only, they are what men most need to hear as they navigate inner uncertainties about whether they measure up.

Likewise, men have shared with Jeff and me that they think often about how much they love their wives or how beautiful they are, but have to be very purposeful about actually saying, “I’ve never loved you more” or “you’re beautiful.” And, as you’ve probably guessed, For Men Only found that these words address the heart cries of women who internally ask, “am I loveable?” and “am I beautiful”—even after years of being married!

The point? Learn what your spouse needs to hear and say it. As you do, you’re breathing safety, trust, and intimacy into your marriage.

Step #4: Believe your spouse does care – even if they don’t “just know”

When Jeff and I lead marriage retreat weekends, we do live, anonymous polling of the audience. We love sharing our research, but it’s even more exciting for everyone in the room to see it come alive on the big screen showing their responses. This live polling usually closely mirrors our research—and shows the men and women sitting in the audience just how much certain phrases may not trip naturally off our tongues—but they are what our spouse needs to hear.

Yet the polls also get across a point that is far more important: just because our spouse doesn’t “just know” doesn’t mean they don’t care! Although there are indeed some sad cases where a marriage has gotten abusive on one or both sides (and please seek help if you’re in that category!), the vast majority of spouses deeply care about one another. Even if we don’t always say what we “should” say or do what we “should” do—at least in the way our spouse is hoping for—we care.

So each of us can believe the best of our spouse’s intentions toward us. And we can try to say the things that matter. This strange vocabulary might not come naturally. But if you honor the fact that your spouse is wired differently than you, and then commit to learning the language that doesn’t come naturally for you, it could be the difference between you sitting on the sidelines of your own marriage—and getting in the game.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious —Why Aren’t You Doing It?” The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1) What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2)

The post What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious —Why Aren’t You Doing It?” appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3)

This is Part 3 of a three-part series on a crucial and often-overlooked way that we women can find peace instead of stress in our lives.

In Part 1 and Part 2 we talked about the contentment we can find when we work with, rather than against, our seasons of life. But what do we do if we just don’t want to work with those seasons?

Most of us have been there. We pout with our arms crossed and ask: So am I supposed to make a choice to NOT accept that amazing opportunity at work, just to prioritize something else? (Time to pursue dating opportunities, be with the kids, or care for elderly parents…) No, thank you very much.

Or maybe we’re just in a difficult season that we wish would end. Or maybe a gripping sense of FOMO tricks us into thinking we’ll miss out—and so we say indiscriminate “yeses” because we’re too afraid to say “no,” and then we’re back to being too busy and stressed.

In all these cases, familiar words from Romans can help: “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will.” (Romans 12:2 NIV, emphasis added.)

So maybe it’s time to change and transform our minds. Because that is what will help us embrace the season we are in. Let’s look at three crucial mindset shifts that will help us transform our thinking.

Mindset shift #1: Know you are not “missing out”

While creating the Find Balance bible study I found that many of us struggle with accepting and making choices that work for our life season because we fear missing out on other options. Yes, FOMO is real! In fact … it is as old as the garden of Eden.

At the very beginning, the serpent tempted Eve in the garden in the exact same way he tempts us today. He points at the one thing God asks us to say no to, and whispers in our ears: You’re missing something. God is withholding something. The grass is greener over there. Just try it. You don’t want to miss out, do you?

So what do we do with that? We remind ourselves that fear (including FOMO!) is always driven out by one thing—God’s perfect love. We remember that God’s heart for us is good. That just as in the garden of Eden, He has surrounded us with vast abundance that He wants us to enjoy! It changes everything when we realize that, by creating seasons and designing us for them, God is not trying to keep us boxed in and missing out. He’s trying to ensure that we thrive!

If we bow to His ways, we’ll discover we’re not missing something, we’re finding something!!  All that vast abundance He has for us—especially peace, rest, and joy.

Thus, making that proactive (and sometimes hard) choice (see Part 2 ) is not just a choice against something—it is a choice for something. We may be flattered to be asked to serve on a leadership team at church. But if we sense the Holy Spirit redirecting our efforts to spend more time with our spouse, we can joyfully say no to the church invitation knowing the Lord is not asking us to “miss out” on a good thing—rather He’s inviting us to another really good thing. A strong marriage!

Mindset shift #2: Resist the “if-onlys”

One certain way to sabotage the joy of making proactive choices and living fully where we are is to let the “if-onlys” creep in. What do those sound like?

regret that we didn’t try to live according to our season of life a lot earlier (if only I hadn’t put off having kids for so long)the subtle trap of dissatisfaction with where we are (If only I had ____ I’d be happy)an understandable reaction to true tragedy (If only ____ hadn’t happened).

Famous novelist Joan Didion recounts how she fell into that latter trap. When her husband, author John Gregory Dunne, died shortly after Christmas 2003, Didion wrote that she came home from the emergency room and tried to carry on exactly as before. She kept her husband’s clothes and shoes in place. She left his desk untouched. Didion eventually realized that as she didn’t move past the painful “if onlys” of losing her husband, she was also not moving into her next season and living fully in it.

When we are stuck in an “if only” phase, we can move forward by accepting this truth: solving our “if only” is usually either impossible (such as a loved one’s death) or would probably not offer the lasting fulfillment we’re aiming for anyway (such as finally having this or that opportunity). As I wrote in Life Ready Woman, if we are going to thrive, we have to honestly acknowledge our current season—even if is a difficult one that we are very eager to leave  behind.

Mindset shift #3: Focus on what you do have

Have you ever heard of Missing Tile Syndrome? People will walk into a room, glance up at the ceiling, and notice one tile is missing rather than noticing the beautiful patterns of all the other intact tiles. It’s a psychological phenomenon where people notice the thing that’s wrong rather than all the things that are right.

It’s the same with the mosaic of our lives. Sometimes the accolades of the business world seem way more tempting than changing diapers or making another plate of chicken nuggets. Or maybe our family needs the income from our job, yet we look longingly at the other moms playing in the park with their kids. Either way, focusing on what we can’t or don’t have is making us miserable and taking away the joy of what we do have.

I know a woman who loves running races. (I know, a little crazy, right?) She put training on the back burner when her children were young, devoting time to caring for them—and gratefully squeezing out a quick trot around the neighborhood when her husband was home to help. When her kids started school, she trained a bit more and ran a half marathon. Now in her mid-50s and an empty nester, she has time to train for half marathons to her heart’s content. She uses God’s gift of continued health and athleticism to fundraise for her favorite ministries. All along the way, it made a huge difference that she focused on what she did have in each season.

Friends, in the end, if we decide to trust God with our seasons of life, we’ll see how trustworthy He is. He’s been with us before and He’ll be with us again. Our best bet is to focus on what God wants us to do now and embrace the beauty of our current season. Even if we are not all called to run half marathons – thankfully.

To explore more on this topic and others, consider Find Balance , an 8-week, video-guided Bible study. You’ll learn how to experience more of life, create biblical balance, and develop a personal plan for fulfilling your unique callings designed just for you by God. It’s the perfect summer or fall study with friends!

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1) What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2) Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1)

The post The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2)

This is Part 2 of a three-part series on an essential factor for finding peace instead of stress in our lives.

All of us want to find rest and peace instead of stress and regret, and in Part 1 we revealed one of the most important factors—which is also one of the most overlooked: Are we living according to our season of life?

It is so easy for us high-capacity women to live as if seasons don’t really exist, but when we try to “do it all,” all at the same time, we work against the way God has designed life to function for every human. (Women and men.)

So how do we take that abstract concept and turn it into a pathway for thriving? What does that look like, on a day-to-day basis? If you’re interested in going deeper, I strongly recommend my Find Balance Bible Study or The Life Ready Woman companion book. But here are several action steps to get us started.

Action Step #1 (in Part 1) was to work with our season, rather than against it.  The next steps explain more about what that means.

Action step #2: Right-size your expectations

When it comes down to it, what creates most of the unhappiness in our lives? Unmet expectations. We expect something, and if it doesn’t happen the way we want, we are disappointed, unhappy, stressed, or even grieving.

For example, imagine that we think we “should” be able to work full time and be the volleyball mom at school and cook dinner every night and keep a beautiful, restful home and give our husband all the attention he needs during a difficult season while his mother is in the hospital. But of course, we can’t accomplish all those things well all at once, so we feel guilt, frustration, or even resentment. (“I know his mom is in the hospital, but why can’t he do a better job at all the cleaning?”)

Those negative feelings don’t come from nowhere; they arise because of our expectations. But now switch the script. Imagine that instead, we expect that we are going to have to let a few things go for a few years during this season. (“I can have my tidiness standards met or I can be volleyball mom or I can cook a healthy meal every night, but I can’t do all three.”) What happens? Suddenly there’s no hook for guilt or resentment.

Action step #3: Debunk the myths

Where do our unrealistic “do-it-all” expectations come from? I’m sure some of you are thinking I’m nuts for asking that question! (You mean other than every movie, TV show or social media post implying we should be Superwoman?)

We have to debunk the myths of our culture—and even from a biblical misunderstanding. I used to feel overwhelmed by the Proverbs 31 woman. She did everything: she made food, purchased fields, generated profits, stayed up late, got up early, served the poor, ran her household—all while her husband and community praised her! Whoa. This lady might give us a complex if we let her!

But we need to see just what this woman is meant to teach us—and what she isn’t. Here’s what I wrote in my 60-day devotional, Find Rest:

It is very easy to feel inferior with this snapshot of womanhood taped to my mirror, calling me to look like this someday.

But the Proverbs 31 woman is not a real woman! This is not Mary or Elizabeth or Rachel. This is not a portrait of an actual woman at some ultimate moment in time when she “has it all together.” Proverbs 31 is a big-picture view of the life of a woman of noble character— not a description of someone who does all these things perfectly, all at once.

This archetypal character does a lot—but not all at the same time. Rather, she is being described over “all the days of her life.” (Verse 12). And—very important to point out—she also had servants to do a lot of the work!

Action step #4: Embrace your current season

Some aspirations and desires will be more suited to another season of life. But some are perfectly tuned to where we are right now. And as we embrace where we are—rather than where we are not—joy and gratitude replace stress and regret.

For example, a friend of mine had a really hard time when her kids went off to college. She wanted to keep being “volleyball mom” and didn’t know how to navigate life now that her days didn’t revolve around her kids. But then she realized: “Wait a minute! I’ve always wished I had a college degree. Why not try that now?” Sure, she missed the volleyball years. But she threw herself into her current season and is loving it.

Other aspirations can be dialed in as long as we create the conditions necessary for that season.

For example, another woman had loved community theater in her single years but assumed she would have to give it up as the kids came along. But then her husband said, “Why? This gives you life! Let’s figure this out. Since most of the rehearsals and shows are on nights and weekends when I can be with the kids … you go do your thing!” With a supportive spouse (one of the factors to consider), and realistic expectations (she knew she and her husband would have less time together during theater season and make up for it at other times), she and her family thrived.

Action step #5: Make proactive choices

This is where, to use the classic phrase, the rubber meets the road.

We don’t think enough about having to make actual, proactive choices—which is one reason we are so stressed. But in all of life, a choice for something is a choice against something else. So we are constantly making choices whether we realize it or not.

In Choosing to Cheat, pastor Andy Stanley summarizes the message in terms of relationships: “There is not enough time to get it all done. Somebody is going to feel left out, neglected, or cheated. So, the real question is not are you cheating, but who are you cheating? You need to be intentional about the choice.”

Using the example from earlier, suppose you do try to do it all and also obsess over a tidy house. You’ll probably miss out on quality time with your family. Or if you are single and in a high-powered career, every business trip you accept takes you away from the weekly Bible study at church where you could grow spiritually with Christian friends and perhaps get to know a special someone.

We have to make proactive choices rather than letting them be made for us. We might start a special working group at the office to fill a desperate need, and then later back down and allow another person to do the heavy lifting—even if it means getting a lower bonus. Or the reverse: we might choose to keep going and get the higher bonus to pay off student debt, even though we know the choice will mean less time with our family for a while (or less time for activities, or potential dates, or working out…).

Often, it is not that a particular choice is wrong or right. Instead, it is that a choice has to be made. So let’s look at our priorities and determine where our time is best spent in our current season. What should we revolve around? And what can we set on the back burner for a better fit into another season? Ultimately: how can we embrace our current season more fully (which includes tackling the thorny question that we’ll unpack in Part 3—what to do if we don’t want to make certain choices or be constrained by this “seasons” concept)?

Thankfully, we do not have to wrestle with these questions alone. God promises wisdom to those who ask. And other women—of different ages and seasons of life—have a lot to offer. (To explore more on this topic and others, grab some friends for a summer or fall small group and go through Find Balance, an 8-week, video-guided Bible study. You’ll learn how to experience more of life, create biblical balance, and develop a personal plan for fulfilling your unique callings designed just for you by God.)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 3) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1) What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2) Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1)

 

The post The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of stress (Part 2)

This is Part 2 of a three-part series on an essential factor for finding peace instead of stress in our lives.

All of us want to find rest and peace instead of stress and regret, and in Part 1 we revealed one of the most important factors—which is also one of the most overlooked: Are we living according to our season of life?

It is so easy for us high-capacity women to live as if seasons don’t really exist, but when we try to “do it all,” all at the same time, we work against the way God has designed life to function for every human. (Women and men.)

So how do we take that abstract concept and turn it into a pathway for thriving? What does that look like, on a day-to-day basis? If you’re interested in going deeper, I strongly recommend my Find Balance Bible Study or The Life Ready Woman companion book. But here are several action steps to get us started.

Action Step #1 (in Part 1) was to work with our season, rather than against it.  The next steps explain more about what that means.

Action step #2: Right-size your expectations

When it comes down to it, what creates most of the unhappiness in our lives? Unmet expectations. We expect something, and if it doesn’t happen the way we want, we are disappointed, unhappy, stressed, or even grieving.

For example, imagine that we think we “should” be able to work full time and be the volleyball mom at school and cook dinner every night and keep a beautiful, restful home and give our husband all the attention he needs during a difficult season while his mother is in the hospital. But of course, we can’t accomplish all those things well all at once, so we feel guilt, frustration, or even resentment. (“I know his mom is in the hospital, but why can’t he do a better job at all the cleaning?”)

Those negative feelings don’t come from nowhere; they arise because of our expectations. But now switch the script. Imagine that instead, we expect that we are going to have to let a few things go for a few years during this season. (“I can have my tidiness standards met or I can be volleyball mom or I can cook a healthy meal every night, but I can’t do all three.”) What happens? Suddenly there’s no hook for guilt or resentment.

Action step #3: Debunk the myths

Where do our unrealistic “do-it-all” expectations come from? I’m sure some of you are thinking I’m nuts for asking that question! (You mean other than every movie, TV show or social media post implying we should be Superwoman?)

We have to debunk the myths of our culture—and even from a biblical misunderstanding. I used to feel overwhelmed by the Proverbs 31 woman. She did everything: she made food, purchased fields, generated profits, stayed up late, got up early, served the poor, ran her household—all while her husband and community praised her! Whoa. This lady might give us a complex if we let her!

But we need to see just what this woman is meant to teach us—and what she isn’t. Here’s what I wrote in my 60-day devotional, Find Rest:

It is very easy to feel inferior with this snapshot of womanhood taped to my mirror, calling me to look like this someday.

But the Proverbs 31 woman is not a real woman! This is not Mary or Elizabeth or Rachel. This is not a portrait of an actual woman at some ultimate moment in time when she “has it all together.” Proverbs 31 is a big-picture view of the life of a woman of noble character— not a description of someone who does all these things perfectly, all at once.

This archetypal character does a lot—but not all at the same time. Rather, she is being described over “all the days of her life.” (Verse 12). And—very important to point out—she also had servants to do a lot of the work!

Action step #4: Embrace your current season

Some aspirations and desires will be more suited to another season of life. But some are perfectly tuned to where we are right now. And as we embrace where we are—rather than where we are not—joy and gratitude replace stress and regret.

For example, a friend of mine had a really hard time when her kids went off to college. She wanted to keep being “volleyball mom” and didn’t know how to navigate life now that her days didn’t revolve around her kids. But then she realized: “Wait a minute! I’ve always wished I had a college degree. Why not try that now?” Sure, she missed the volleyball years. But she threw herself into her current season and is loving it.

Other aspirations can be dialed in as long as we create the conditions necessary for that season.

For example, another woman had loved community theater in her single years but assumed she would have to give it up as the kids came along. But then her husband said, “Why? This gives you life! Let’s figure this out. Since most of the rehearsals and shows are on nights and weekends when I can be with the kids … you go do your thing!” With a supportive spouse (one of the factors to consider), and realistic expectations (she knew she and her husband would have less time together during theater season and make up for it at other times), she and her family thrived.

Action step #5: Make proactive choices

This is where, to use the classic phrase, the rubber meets the road.

We don’t think enough about having to make actual, proactive choices—which is one reason we are so stressed. But in all of life, a choice for something is a choice against something else. So we are constantly making choices whether we realize it or not.

In Choosing to Cheat, pastor Andy Stanley summarizes the message in terms of relationships: “There is not enough time to get it all done. Somebody is going to feel left out, neglected, or cheated. So, the real question is not are you cheating, but who are you cheating? You need to be intentional about the choice.”

Using the example from earlier, suppose you do try to do it all and also obsess over a tidy house. You’ll probably miss out on quality time with your family. Or if you are single and in a high-powered career, every business trip you accept takes you away from the weekly Bible study at church where you could grow spiritually with Christian friends and perhaps get to know a special someone.

We have to make proactive choices rather than letting them be made for us. We might start a special working group at the office to fill a desperate need, and then later back down and allow another person to do the heavy lifting—even if it means getting a lower bonus. Or the reverse: we might choose to keep going and get the higher bonus to pay off student debt, even though we know the choice will mean less time with our family for a while (or less time for activities, or potential dates, or working out…).

Often, it is not that a particular choice is wrong or right. Instead, it is that a choice has to be made. So let’s look at our priorities and determine where our time is best spent in our current season. What should we revolve around? And what can we set on the back burner for a better fit into another season? Ultimately: how can we embrace our current season more fully (which includes tackling the thorny question that we’ll unpack in Part 3—what to do if we don’t want to make certain choices or be constrained by this “seasons” concept)?

Thankfully, we do not have to wrestle with these questions alone. God promises wisdom to those who ask. And other women—of different ages and seasons of life—have a lot to offer. (To explore more on this topic and others, grab some friends for a summer or fall small group and go through Find Balance, an 8-week, video-guided Bible study. You’ll learn how to experience more of life, create biblical balance, and develop a personal plan for fulfilling your unique callings designed just for you by God.)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of stress (Part 2) The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1) What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2) Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1) 4 Shifts That Brought a Struggling Marriage Back From the Brink

 

The post The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of stress (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1)

This is Part 1 of a three-part series on a crucial and often-overlooked way that we women can find peace instead of stress in our lives.

I have a question for all the women out there: Do you want to live a life of peace and rest instead of stress?

Ok, that’s probably a stupid question. I’m quite sure none of you are thinking, “Sure, Shaunti, sign me up for the stress track.”

So let me ask it a different way: Do you want to know a profoundly important factor to living a life of peace instead of stress—even if it might press a few buttons and be uncomfortable to consider?

If so, here’s the not-so-stupid question that will get us started: Have you ever stopped to think about all the events that would appear on the timeline of your life? From childhood, through the teenage years, and then into the ever-changing adult years, our lives are a pretty wild ride, right? We have family dynamics, education, careers, travel, joys, losses, financial ups and downs, children, long hours, health issues, friendships, aging parents, aging ourselves—and about a million other factors that make up life’s tapestry.

And it turns out: within that very tapestry is a very, very important truth to finding peace and joy in our lives instead of stress and sadness. A truth many of us sort of know, deep down—but we may not grasp just how practical it is. In this Part 1 and Part 2, we are going to look at this truth and several key action steps that will help us get to that life of peace. Part 3 will help us figure out what to do if we don’t want to take those action steps!

The big truth: There are seasons of life that are God-designed

If you look closely at all the events on the timeline of your life, you will see certain patterns appear. Certain seasons of life. Everyone has them. And the key truth is: we are designed by God to fit these seasons. So we need to honor them.

For some of us, that sounds too simplistic to matter. For others of us, we may even rebel against that concept. (“I shouldn’t have to live according to some arbitrary notion that there are life seasons!”) But hang in there with me as I explain this. Because I think you will see that this concept is one of the most overlooked factors to thriving in life. It is also one of the key concepts you can unpack in my bible study Find Balance, and the companion book The Life Ready Woman.

Here’s the starting point. If you look at every person who has ever lived on the planet, you will see that certain biological and emotional factors are just true, in general. It is just the way God created life to progress. When we are children, we generally develop at a particular pace, and we need the loving care of an adult in order to have our physical and emotional needs met. If we don’t have that, we tend not to thrive. As we get older, we long to spread our wings and fly away from the nest. If we are prevented from doing so for too long, we tend not to thrive.

As adult women, as we move into our child-bearing years, there is a window of time in which we can get pregnant and bear children fairly easily. Then less easily. Then not at all. That doesn’t mean we cannot adopt and raise children at any time we choose—of course we can—but simply that it becomes difficult or impossible to bear biological children. Similarly, if we do have children at some point in our 20s or 30s, we are in a window of time in which we have a responsibility to care for our little ones who need physical and emotional care in order to thrive.

And of course, things then progress: Our kids grow up, leave the nest, we care for aging parents, we parent adult children, and we age ourselves.

Seasons.

Each season has its own God-given beauty and joy and each also comes with God-designed limitations. And because these gifts and limitations are God-designed, a huge part of our thriving in life comes from our willingness to honor how God designed us rather than fighting against it and/or simply believing it “shouldn’t” be that way.

So let’s look at our first and most important action step.

Action step #1: Work with your season, rather than against it

It can be life-changing when we understand not only our current season of life but also how to do what God has called us to do in a way that “fits” with that season. This allows us to work with ourdesign instead of working at cross-purposes to it. Because when we work at cross-purposes to our season, we tend to not thrive. We tend to have stress, instead of peace and rest.

For example—and this can be really hard for us go-getter women to hear—there are things that we simply cannot do as easily in certain seasons that we can much more easily do in others.  For example, if we have a lot of caretaking responsibilities for aging parents, we have constraints that simply didn’t exist at other times. And this is not just a woman thing—this is a human thing. It applies to both men and women.

Let’s consider a scenario. Suppose you’re in a season where you have young kids, you and your husband both work and share parenting duties, and your husband travels a lot for business. Suddenly you are approached about an amazing chance to get a promotion, take a different job, or run a franchise business—some new opportunity that will require significant consistency and long hours during the day.  

If you didn’t have children, or if your children were older, it would be a completely different conversation, right? But because you are in a “young kids” season, suddenly there is a different calculus—or at least there should be. (“If I take this job, who cares for little Allie when she is sick and can’t be at preschool? Who takes Ben to T-ball at 5 p.m., since I won’t be off work by then? If my husband says he’ll do all that, what happens when he’s out of town? Do I want to not see my kids until dinnertime? Can I still give the kids what they need from me at this age and do a good job at the promotion/new job/ franchise business?”)

Sometimes, we work it all out. Your husband cuts back to part-time so you can buy into the business, and the kids can still have a present, engaged parent after school hours. Your mom lives down the street and is always available to help with the grandkids.

But sometimes we simply don’t want to consider the constraints of our season and situation. In fact, we’re pretending that we don’t have constraints. We’re assuming we can do it all and have it all and be it all, all at the same time. In other words, we simply aren’t living according to our season of life.  

So we try to do it all … and find that we’re not doing anything well. We had to pick up a sick child for the third time this month and close the shop, we missed our revenue targets, and we’re squabbling with our spouse about schedules. The kids are unhappy, people at our job are unhappy, the marriage is unhappy, and we’re unhappy.

And that is why we’re stressed.

Our souls find rest and peace when we lean into rather than kick against the currents of our age and stage. When we tell the franchisor, for example, “Oh wow, I’m honored that you would invite me to be a part of this franchise. I would love that, and I think I would do a good job. But while we have young kids, I’m simply going to have to find a franchise situation that offers me a lot more flexibility.”

And then we embrace the season we are in and enjoy every opportunity to be the field trip/sports/theater mom that we also want to be.

Believe me, as I share in the Find Balance bible study, I personally understand how hard it can be to accept this concept. I don’t want to miss something, and I want to try to do it all, all at the same time.

But what we have to realize is: when we embrace our season, we don’t miss something, we find something. We find the unparalleled beauty of being present in the way God has designed, and have many more opportunities for peace at the same time.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1) What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2) Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1) 4 Shifts That Brought a Struggling Marriage Back From the Brink Rocky Finances Don’t Have to Mean a Rocky Relationship!

The post The Sneaky Solution to Finding Peace Instead of Stress (Part 1) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear

June 27, 2023

Many of us woke up a few days ago—Saturday morning, June 24, 2023—to sobering wall-to-wall coverage of the news out of Russia. It appeared that a potential coup or civil war was about to unfold against Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia—the first such unrest against a leader with control of nuclear weapons. By the end of the day a deal was reached and the immediate crisis averted—while leaving lots of uncertainty in the air.

As so many incidents do, this one yet again stripped away the illusion of security in our world. (If you want more background on the situation, you can find the facts at any news outlet or the short “Background” summary at the end of this piece on my website only.)

All day Saturday, as many of us listened to the experts sharing what a big deal this could be, there was a real undercurrent of fear. I spoke with many people that day to hear how they were processing it—average moms, young people, and even the wife of a foreign policy expert (and who was intensely concerned).

One woman summed up what everyone seemed to be saying: “What do we do with this? What do we do with this fear? This could literally affect the whole world. And there is also literally nothing we can do about it.” 

So what do we do in times like this? How do we respond?

On Saturday, one of my team members pointed out, “We are only just coming up for air from COVID and the fear that overtook so many people.” She wondered, “How can we as believers look at situations like this, with all its uncertainty, and stand against fear and all the ‘what ifs’ rather than triggering all that anxiety again?”

That is a great question. Especially since these sorts of security issues are not going away in our world. (And the Russia situation itself is still uncertain and fluid.)

I can think of four key responses that will help every Christian—and every church—to not give in to a spirit of fear during fearful times. These are just a starting point, but they will help us and our kids navigate these seasons. I’m sure many of you have other good ideas to share.

We must be aware of and talking about “faith not fear” in the church

First, I think we need to be talking with our families, friends, communities and churches about how to confront fear. A non-fearful response in the face of a fearful situation doesn’t simply spring up naturally! It is a muscle that has to be built.

We also have to be aware of things that could cause fear for us or others. If we are to be wise as serpents and innocent as doves out in the world (Matthew 10:16), we have to know what is going on and be equipped to respond to whatever comes up.

That may sound impossible, but it is not, because our primary response as believers is to be people of faith rather than fear, regardless of the individual situation that is causing the fear.

For example, in the coming days and weeks the Russia situation could calm way down or explode even more. No one knows. Which brings me to my main point: The facts will change in the time ahead. But even as the situation on the ground changes, our response should stay the same: faith not fear. In an insecure world, the church must be a place that discusses these things and equips followers of Jesus to build that mindset in advance of whatever happens.

We must be praying

I am guessing that most of us think we know the power of prayer … and still don’t give nearly enough weight to it. The woman I quoted earlier said “… And there is also literally nothing we can do about it.”

But there is something we can do about it! God has told us exactly what to do in times of uncertainty.

Philippians 4:6-7—“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”Colossians 4:2—“Continue steadfastly in prayer, being watchful in it with thanksgiving.”Romans 8:26—“Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words.”1 Thessalonians 5:16-18—“Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

There are dozens of such scriptures about the need to pray. After all, Jesus relied on prayer!

I think these scary incidents in our world are wake-up calls to the body of Christ. We must be praying not just individually but corporately for God’s divine hand of protection and purpose to move in our world. Ask yourself: What might be different if every church around the world made it a point to pray for world events each weekend during worship services?

God has told us that prayer changes things. So let’s pray.

We must proclaim a mighty God

The body of Christ has an awesome responsibility to an anxious world. We know what everyone else needs to know: That a mighty God is on the throne and in control.

That does not mean that bad things will not happen. Jesus said explicitly that bad things would happen in this fallen world. As Ukrainian believers have been saying for the last year and a half, we cannot know why God allows tragedies and tribulations, but He is still in charge. He still holds the universe together by a word of His power. He is the Rock we can cling to. (Psalm 18:2: “The LORD is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer; my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.”) 

Which leads to the fourth and final response for now.

We must proclaim our trust that this mighty God loves us—and live differently as a result.

Last year, after Russia invaded Ukraine and cities were reduced to rubble, one key Ukrainian Christian leader provided an incredible perspective on faith in the face of fear.

In an article in Christianity Today, Sergey Rakhuba, president of Mission Eurasia, said that the Bible verse helping him persevere through such terrible tragedy was Isaiah 43:2: “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

He pointed out: “It is easy to trust God when nothing is happening, but it is when we are in the middle of an evil that is sweeping all around that we must rely on God. The heart is bleeding; but as the love of Jesus shines through tragedy, we can still find hope and joy.”

Those in the body of Christ are called to be people of faith and peace in the face of uncertainty, tragedy, and even chaos. Our job is to point others to not just God’s power but His love. I love Romans 8:38-39: “For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

The church has had practice with the “faith not fear” dynamic during these last few years of the pandemic. So many of us wrestled mightily with anxiety and worry. That was one reason why I put out my Find Joy devotional, to help us understand how to find joy no matter our circumstances. 

Hopefully, God has used even such a difficult time to build our faith muscles. So as we look at the news, now is a time when we need to use those muscles and consider how to help others (and ourselves!) hold onto the truth and not get lost again.

I’m reminded of the biblical story of Jesus and the disciples crossing the sea of Galilee in a boat at night, and a violent storm coming up and threatening to capsize the boat (Matthew 8 and Mark 4). The disciples, understandably, freaked out, while Jesus was sleeping soundly. The disciples woke Jesus up and He spoke to the winds and the waves. Immediately there was a great calm. Jesus asked why they were so fearful, and called for His followers to trust in Him instead.

It is not easy. But when all around us are, understandably, anxious and fearful, we MUST be those who instead are people of peace. Because we can point our families, our community—and ourselves—to Jesus and say, “He is in control, and we must trust Him.”

Bit of Background on the Russia Situation, For Those Who Want It:

In case it is helpful, I’m putting back on my public policy hat here, just to summarize what I see as the most important background—and the main reason for concern. (You can find good analysis and even live coverage at most major news outlets.)

The key facts:

As many of you know, overnight, June 23-24, 2023, serious tension (which still has the potential to lead to more) developed in Russia. Yevgeny Prigozhin, the immensely popular, charismatic, militant and brutal head of the private Russian-based army the Wagner Group, took over Russia’s main military base that supplies the war in Ukraine. For much of Saturday, he appeared to be making a power grab against Vladimir Putin, the president of Russia, as his well-trained troops advanced north toward Moscow.

Experts were raising the slightly terrifying specter of fighting in the Moscow streets within hours, and a “trapped” Putin who still had access to weapons of mass destruction.

Late in the day, there was suddenly a brokered deal between Putin and Prigozhin. The Wagner army turned around 120 miles from the capital, and Prigozhin agreed to leave Russia. The immediate crisis was averted. But as of this writing, foreign policy experts are saying this situation is probably not over.

How we got here:

The official Russian army is much larger than the Wagner Group, but has been decimated by corruption, immense losses, and poor morale as a result of the war against Ukraine. So one of the key ways Putin has actually been able to prosecute the war against Ukraine for the last year is via supplying and partnering with Wagner. Wagner is smaller (about 25,000 men), but generally a much-better-trained private military with recruiting offices all over Russia, just like the regular army has recruiting offices (there is no equivalent to this in most other nations). But because Wagner includes many former special-forces troops and is much better-run, many of the best soldiers have signed up with Wagner. (Wagner also recruits men from prisons, but that’s another story.)

Prigozhin and Putin used to be friends, but relations between them have gradually deteriorated. Prigozhin has claimed that Wagner has not been given what they need to fight the war, that his men are being sent to the worst Ukraine fighting without proper support (and thus dying in great numbers), and even that Russia has attacked Wagner’s positions. Prigozhin recently even questioned Putin’s stated basis for the war in Ukraine (the propaganda that Russia was liberating the country from Nazis).

On Friday Prigozhin claimed that there were Russian strikes on Wagner that killed a “huge amount” of his troops. So he turned on Putin and took over the main town (Rostov-on-Don) and military bases in southern Russia used to supply the war with Ukraine. Wagner troops began a march toward Moscow, and Putin said that Wagner “traitors” would be fought and punished. (There were some early reports that Putin left Moscow, but that is unconfirmed.)

The main reason for concern:

On Saturday, there was a very real possibility of Russian forces fighting Wagner troops. And foreign policy experts say Prigozhin can still control his troops from exile. Yet average Russians view Prigozhin as a hero —he is a figure of immense popularity. So no-one knows if the Russian army forces would truly fight their fellow soldiers in Wagner, or if some or all of them would just give in. And if they gave in, that could leave Putin becoming more and more isolated and concerned, with no obvious solution for “solving” the problem.

Even if Wagner troops never cause problems again, this has been the first true internal threat to Putin in 23 years and it has showed his weakness. (Instead of being able to confidently put down the impending coup by a group much smaller than the supposedly mighty Russian military, Putin had to ask the president of a tiny country—Belarus—to broker a deal to get Prigozhin to stand down.) There has already been infighting within his military leadership and experts say this is likely to accelerate that.

The experts are concerned about what Putin might do if he feels “trapped,” since he has access to weapons of mass destruction. They are concerned that IF he feels his power is increasingly threatened there may come a point when he feels that he has to “use them or lose them.”

As of this writing, immediate hostilities are avoided. But hopefully you can see why we need to be praying for God’s protection, and for His hand to move in this situation.

 

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2) Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1) 4 Shifts That Brought a Struggling Marriage Back From the Brink Rocky Finances Don’t Have to Mean a Rocky Relationship! The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 2)

The post What Every Christian Should Do in Times of Fear appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2)

In honor of Father’s Day, this two-part blog is a follow up to an earlier series sharing recent research on what every new dad can do to be a competent and confident father. In this series, we shared new research ( in last week’s Part 1 ) on how moms can encourage dads at any stage of parenting. In Part 2, we share encouragement for all the dads out there!

“Are the kids okay?”

Yes, I will confess that I have asked my husband this question a lot. When our kids were little, and I was away speaking at a women’s conference, I would often check in like that. Are the kids okay? Did they do their homework? Did they get to bed? Even years later, with college-age kids, I have been known to text Jeff something similar when one of them was home for the weekend. Everyone okay at home? Did Luke remember his meds?

It wasn’t until I saw one dad’s hilarious response to the “are the kids okay?” question that I began to realize three things:

I may think I’m asking for an update (“science project turned in and meds taken”), but what I’m actually asking for is reassurance (“no, honey, I didn’t forget the science project”).I’m not the only mom who regularly looks for that reassurance. And …If we think about it, our need for reassurance might end up being a teensy bit insulting to our man (See Part 1 for more on that.)

One of the funniest things I’ve ever seen online is a perfect homage to Father’s Day and all the long-suffering dads out there who smile and answer “yes, dear” instead of what I’m sure some of them are thinking. “Well, I forgot the kids were playing outside unsupervised all day while I was gaming, but because you asked I went looking and found them before they crossed the highway.”

This creative Belgian guy named Kenny Deuss came up with a completely different way of answering. Whenever his wife would send him an “are the kids okay?” text, he would send her back a Photoshopped picture in response.

Take a look at these images. I have not laughed so hard in a really long time. (Admittedly, a couple are off-color ­– curse words and candles, no thank you – but remember, they’re Photoshopped! Presumably, no infants were harmed in the computer-generation of these images.) This dad did a brilliant job of responding with humor.

What we appreciate about dads

Have you stopped laughing yet? Because if you’ve settled down, I do have a question for the moms out there: Considering the hilarious altered images above or last week’s findings about a more serious phenomenon called “maternal gatekeeping,” are women supposed to not check in about our kids? No way! My need for reassurance is just as important as Jeff’s need for me to trust his judgment with the kids.

Thankfully, these two needs do not need to be at odds.

In my situation, for example, I can ask for grace from Jeff in advance as I seek out reassurance from him anyway. He can let me know how important it is to him that I trust his judgment. And, in return, I can think ahead of time about ways to also convey how much I appreciate Jeff and how well he loves and leads our kids.

When I asked Jeff his opinion on this whole thing, he said, “What is needed is compassion with one another and a recognition that this just may be the way my spouse is wired – it doesn’t mean either of us is a bad parent. We also have to tell ourselves that this wiring difference doesn’t mean that our spouse thinks we’re a bad parent, either.”

Ladies, most of you truly appreciate the ways your men lead. So in recent weeks we’ve asked moms what they most value about their men. Dads, I think you’ll be encouraged at the common threads that emerged.

Question 1: “What is one characteristic that you have seen evolve in your man as he has become a dad?”

Do you want to know the top characteristic my informal survey respondents mentioned? The number one answer? The thing I’m forcing you to display while you wait for me to spill it?

Patience.

Moms, you say you have seen patience evolve in your men. In fact, while many respondents amplified other answers (e.g. “he’s always calm no matter how crazy thing get,” or “he’s understanding of our children’s needs to grow, explore, and learn some lessons on their own”), patience was, without exception, a one-word answer. As if it needs no explanation.

Moms can seize this as a gate-opening opportunity (see Part 1 of this blog for more on what that means), to invite and encourage men to flourish as dads. How? According to scripture, “a person’s wisdom yields patience.” (Proverbs 19:11 NIV). What a sweet opportunity we have to not only applaud our men for their patience – but also the wisdom it’s born from! (And dads, don’t you find that encouraging? When you are patient with your kiddos, you’re really demonstrating the very wisdom you long to model for them – and your wife sees it.)

Question 2: “When I see my husband ______ with the kids, it makes me fall in love with him all over again.”

Readers’ answers to this question were more diverse, but one overall trend emerged. We fall in love with our men when they show their softer sides. Just look at some of the fill-in-the-blank words that showed up in response to the prompt above:

ConnectListenNurtureSnugglePray

This goes back to the heart of what we talked about in Part 1. Our men want to be good dads. And ladies, looking at them through your eyes, it’s evident they are good dads. So why do we sometimes have difficulty “letting” them be the dads they want to be? One possible reason emerged in one more key word that emerged as an answer to this very same question!

“Play”

We love it when our man plays with the kids … but sometimes “dad play” careens beyond a mom’s comfort levels! Remember, according to the research, men are more apt to engage in rambunctious play than moms. (Unless we’re talking about what this one special dad did with his little girl; one mom said she falls in love with her man every time he paints her daughter’s nails. And who wouldn’t? That’s just plain adorable.)

But I digress. Here’s the point: Dads do roughhouse more. The good news is: that’s how kids learn to navigate risk while in a safe (ish) environment. It’s how kids build character, resilience, and curiosity. It’s how kids become more confident and willing to step into unknown scenarios. It’s all stuff they need.

Question 3: “What three words would you use to brag about your man as a dad?”

Dads, brace yourselves.

Our online survey respondents really admire their men! Here’s a sampling of how respondents answered the above: gentle, teacher, fun, hard-working, dedicated, leader, loving, strong, defender, respectful, kind, funny, nurturing, attentive, loyal, caring, invested, involved, intentional, steadfast, patient, level-headed, dependable, present, faithful, provider, devoted, God-loving, awesome, playful, encouraging, and laid-back.

Oh, and let’s not forget my favorite three-word answer of all: “What I wanted.”

Dads, do you see it? In the everyday grind of raising kids – yes, even on days when you seem to upset the delicate balance of the universe simply by forgetting to pick up a gallon of milk – your wives see your stellar qualities. Look at what poured out with just a simple question prompt. And this doesn’t even properly emphasize the three words that were most-repeated by multiple respondents: loving, fun, and ­ – here’s the word we began with again – patient.

Yes, the kids may acquire a few more scraped knees under your care. There may be days when too many (in your wife’s mind) pizza slices, pillow fights, and ATV adventures ensue. You’ll need to patiently navigate her “are the kids okay” questions with reassurance – or Photoshop. But as your kids feel safe and loved while they embark upon your grand adventures, my bet is on your wives to keep falling in love with you all over again.

So keep doing what you’re doing, dads. Your way is the right way, too.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

#mc_embed_signup{background:#fff; clear:left; font:14px Helvetica,Arial,sans-serif; } /* Add your own Mailchimp form style overrides in your site stylesheet or in this style block. We recommend moving this block and the preceding CSS link to the HEAD of your HTML file. */ .button {background-color: #3389C2;background:#3389C2;color: #fff} Receive Shaunti’s Blog & Updates* indicates required Email Address * (function($) {window.fnames = new Array(); window.ftypes = new Array();fnames[0]='EMAIL';ftypes[0]='email';fnames[1]='FNAME';ftypes[1]='text';fnames[2]='LNAME';ftypes[2]='text';fnames[3]='SOURCE';ftypes[3]='text';fnames[4]='MMERGE4';ftypes[4]='text';fnames[5]='MMERGE5';ftypes[5]='date';fnames[6]='MMERGE6';ftypes[6]='text';fnames[7]='MMERGE7';ftypes[7]='text';fnames[8]='MMERGE8';ftypes[8]='text';fnames[9]='MMERGE9';ftypes[9]='text';fnames[10]='MMERGE10';ftypes[10]='phone';}(jQuery));var $mcj = jQuery.noConflict(true);

More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2) Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 1) 4 Shifts That Brought a Struggling Marriage Back From the Brink Rocky Finances Don’t Have to Mean a Rocky Relationship! The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 2) The Church That Talked About Sex (Part 1)

The post Letting Dads be Dads – Even When it is Terrifying (Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.