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7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 2)

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Published on October 24, 2023 02:00

7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 2)

This is Part 2 of a two-part series on how to reduce defensiveness and have better mental health as well as more peace and productivity in your personal and professional relationships.

As we explained last time, defensiveness is dangerous in marriage and relationships (friends, family, workplace, and so on). How do we interrupt the cycle and reset our approach? We continue with the last four action steps here.

IMPORTANT: BEFORE you read Part 2, see Part 1, which offers crucial elements about how to reset our body’s and brain’s autonomic response when defensiveness occurs. Then, tackle the four action items below.

Action Step #4: When you feel defensive with a close loved one (spouse, friend, etc.), remind yourself, “This person cares about me.”

As many of you know, my research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriagesshowed that more than 99% of spouses deeply care about each other, even during painful times. The problem is, among so-so or struggling marriages, only 59% believe that. That’s a big gap, and we need to mentally fill it.

So imagine for the moment that your spouse is making an observation and you feel yourself starting to get defensive. For example: “It seems like when I do something around the house or with the kids, you see how I did it wrong rather than just appreciating it.” You may want to say, “No, I don’t!” You may feel attacked or hurt. (“How can they say that?! After all, I do this … and this … and this …! They have no idea how much I do!”) But remind yourself that, statistically your spouse really loves you—which probably means that they are trying to raise something that needs attention. Something that legitimately matters to them. Something you need to hear.

Which means it is something that matters for both of you.

The same pattern often applies to close friendships and family members. Sadly, there are cases where a spouse or close friend is toxic, which you should be able to determine by the input of objective observers such as a counselor, pastor, or trusted loved one. And if that objective observer—who has no emotional stake in the situation—is trying to tell you something that you may not want to hear (for example, “This is not okay, and you need to establish boundaries here”), that is yet another time to listen rather than getting defensive.

If you realize that you do indeed get defensive and have difficulty believing that your spouse (or other loved one) cares, consider that an important red flashing warning light of something you need to address for the sake of the relationship—and your own well-being.

Action Step #5: Take responsibility for your own words and actions

At its core, defensiveness is a coping mechanism that pushes attention away from us and tries to avoid unpleasant feelings in the moment (although not very successfully) but does nothing to solve the underlying issues in the long run. This often means (and makes others around you believe) that you are unwilling to address your own shortcomings. As this article from The Gottman Institute observes, responsibility is the antidote to defensiveness.

What might greater responsibility look like practically in the heat of conversation?

“You’re right. I did see all the things that weren’t quite right rather than appreciating what you did do. Please forgive me.”“I can see your viewpoint that I threw you under the bus at the meeting. I didn’t intend to, but I want to own my part of this.”“I want to do better. Please be patient with me as I grow in this area.”

That last strategy contains a key word: grow. According to neuroscience, neurobiology, and scripture, a growth attitude is a key factor to wholeness and healing. Research finds that if you believe you can grow, you are more likely to take responsibility for your actions.

This is not “caving” to the other person; it is a determination to become a responsible, mature person ourselves.

Owning what we can do is crucial since we cannot change the other person—only ourselves. And yet when we do set aside defensiveness and take responsibility, it often results in completely breaking the cycle of both people being defensive. How?

Well, imagine that the other person—your spouse, that difficult colleague—has got their fists up, ready to protect their face from your next brutal jab. But then … you apologize and ask for forgiveness instead. Wait, what? That interrupts everything about the cycle. So then what happens? In the moment—and certainly over time—there is no reason for them to have their fists up and be defensive! So they drop their guard. They are less likely to jab back.

As each of you stop jabbing at each other, you start to each trust that you can keep your guard lowered. You start letting each other in again rather than prioritizing self-protection, which leads to a crucial attitude change.

Action Step #6: Prioritize protecting your marriage (rather than yourself)

As I mentioned in Part 1 of this series , defensiveness is an ugly D-word, and it’s often rooted in self-protection. However, the minute we said “I do,” we agreed to protect something bigger—our marriages. And as noted above, as long as you are in a relationship of goodwill, you may sometimes have to decide to let your guard down in order to protect your marriage first. You may sometimes have to forgive, even before the other person does. You may have to listen, even when you don’t want to. In short, you may have to do what you vowed to do—even if you don’t always feel like it!

Different seasons exert different pressures on this commitment. For example, I wrote in my recent series for empty nesters that we may be tempted to point out our spouse’s parenting mistakes when the kids move out and make choices that are not what we would have wanted. Or our spouse might be tempted to point out ours! Guess what’s going to creep in? Defensiveness. And if we’re not careful, this causes us to self-protect.

This dynamic is true in any season, and whether we have kids or not. It is also true way beyond marriage.

It is so easy to look at the speck in someone else’s eye rather than the log in our own. But doing so is to suggest that their sin is more serious than ours. None of us are perfect. But unless there is a true case of abuse or neglect, each of us can find ways to affirm what our spouse does right.

SLIDE

Action Step: #7: Consider counseling—especially for longstanding patterns

Finally, connecting with a trained mental health professional can be a game changer for those who need to unwind a longstanding pattern of defensiveness—particularly if it has arisen out of abuse, trauma, or a very real need to protect yourself when you were younger.

If this is your story, first of all, I’m so sorry. It shouldn’t have been that way.

But if you endured chronic blame, punishment, or trauma when you were younger, you may (understandably) be unwilling to admit your failures. And if that is your story and your pattern, the people who really value you and want to be in relationship with you may be suffering now, too. And I know you wouldn’t want that, either.

At the AACC World Conference last month, I spent time among 7,000 counselors, lay counselors, ministry leaders, and other stakeholders who care about mental wellbeing in a Christian context. In all their work and in all the research, I see that seeking counseling from those trained to help us heal is one very valuable way we can move forward in life when we are stuck.

It is not the only pattern, but it is an important one. And if we are defensive about that idea … well, maybe that is something we need to look at even more closely. Go back and read Action Steps #4 and #5, above.

In the end, taking greater responsibility for our actions—whether on our own or with help in a counseling setting—can help us knock down the destructive patterns of defensiveness in our lives. Not only will this help us mutually address issues that need attention, but it will also build better trust, caring, and even delight in our relationships.

And that’s a much, much better D-word.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 1)

The Sky Is Not Falling—3 Ways to Help Our Kids Find Calm in Chaos

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7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 1)

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Published on October 17, 2023 02:00

7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 1)

This is Part 1 of a two-part series on how to notice and address defensiveness in yourself, to both have better mental health individually and much more peace and productivity in your personal and professional relationships.

One of the privileges of my work is hearing from readers or event attendees who get an “a-ha” moment from something I write or say—and then take simple steps to improve their relationships.

One woman told me that in reading The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages she had been challenged to be as kind to her spouse in private as she was in public (which, according to my research, 75% of highly happy couples are). She thanked me for helping her marriage in such a practical way. I thought that was the extent of our interaction until she moved a half a step closer.

“Things weren’t always good between us,” she said, recounting a specific scene from early in her marriage in which she folded her arms, got defensive about her poor behavior, and deflected blame to her husband. She’d done this many times. They volleyed blame back and forth for a few minutes until he blurted, “It doesn’t have to be this way. We’re on the same side.”

The words marked a turning point in their relationship—one that she has never forgotten. The moment was so significant, she even remembers what she was wearing.

“I didn’t realize I was so defensive all the time,” she confessed.

Do you maybe need that same realization? That same turning point? As you’ll see in a moment, if you suspect you might regularly slip into defensive tendencies, it is something to take very, very seriously for the sake of your relationships. Seven simple steps can set you on a path to a less-defensive you—and improve your marriage and other relationships at the same time. In part 1 we will tackle the first three, then finish the rest in part 2.

Action Step #1: Realize the very real danger of defensiveness

Defensiveness. It’s an ugly D-word. And according to a lot of research, it’s actually a key predictor that your relationship is heading for trouble—in part because it is simply the visible sign of an unhealthy emotional response to feeling ashamed, unloved, attacked, and/or insecure. Defensiveness is one of relationship researcher John Gottman’s “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse,” which, along with criticism, contempt, and stonewalling are among the criteria he uses to predict divorce with over 90% accuracy.

Divorce is an ugly D-word, too. And the concept doesn’t just apply to marriages. How many people can remember a friendship that got acrimonious and fell apart, or a job situation that got increasingly unpleasant until you had to leave? All too often, an underlying defensive attitude was running under the surface there, too. It is a toxic emotion.

It is also a human emotion. Every one of us has a tendency to “defend” ourselves when we feel blamed—by others or ourselves. But it can become a vicious cycle. Our defensiveness can be seen as an attack by the other person, which leads them to go on offense, which leads us to feel more need for self-protection … and so on. In the process, we build a habit. Our defensiveness becomes a state of mind, in which we subconsciously start looking for signs of criticism or signs that this person just doesn’t care about us. And of course, what we look for is what we will see—even if we would have never assumed the worst from that person’s words or actions if we had been in a more generous state of mind.

We need to interrupt the cycle.

Action Step #2: Take a few breaths (literally)

As you’ll see below, there are several key factors that will interrupt the cycle, such as forcing ourselves to actually listen. But before we can do any of them, we have to reset our brains to sort of pop them out of the defensiveness pattern.

None of us likes to be called out for our “stuff” (or to feel like we are), and when that happens our sympathetic nervous system may tense for a fight-or-flight response—which over time, becomes a habit. So the next time our spouse, friend, or colleague says something that pricks our defensive Spidey senses (“You totally threw me under the bus at that meeting!”), that’s a good moment to take things low and slow and dial down the volume.

One practical way to do that is to be very purposeful about breathing low and slow for a few moments. Seriously. That is not some weird mind-over-matter thing. Much research has found that deep, slow breathing helps reset the fight-or-flight response of our brain and sympathetic nervous system. Cool, right? It allows us to listen and think through how we want to respond before we actually do.

This short video has a good explanation of why breathing helps, and this short video explains a “box breathing” technique used for years among first responders and soldiers to allow focus and calmness in stressful situations.

Action Step #3: Purposefully listen to what your spouse is saying.

Once you have taken a few breaths and have “reset” your brain, here are three quick keys to listening:

Focus on what they are saying—what is their actual concern? Focus on what they are feeling about the problem (essential in any situation, but especially for husbands to do in marriage) Do both of those without the self-protective measure of planning your response.

Note that an all-in state of listening without marshalling your own thoughts may feel radically unsafe in the moment. If you’re like me, you may be subconsciously thinking, “But I have to remember what my return arguments were going to be!” But if this is a person you do generally trust (as opposed to an abusive spouse or boss), it is the only way to truly listen.

If you do those three things, it ensures that you’re going to actually hear and hopefully understand their concerns. This is essential for the next four action steps, which we will cover next time.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Sky Is Not Falling—3 Ways to Help Our Kids Find Calm in Chaos

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

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Published on October 10, 2023 02:00

You Encouragers Need Encouragement Too!

A few weeks ago, it was incredible to see more than 7,000 Christian counselors, pastors, coaches, and ministry leaders converge on the American Association of Christian Counselors World Conference in Nashville. For those of you who are leaders and pour yourselves out encouraging others, I want to take a moment to encourage you.

I was honored to present my research a few times (more on that shortly) and grateful to bring several members of my team to run our ministry booth. We talked to a lot of you during four very busy days. All those conversations with leading voices in the field and on the frontlines of mental health care have left a lasting impression on us.

One of our main goals as a ministry is to equip you because you are the boots on the ground. Whether you counsel clients, minister in churches, or simply serve and love your neighbors, we create our resources with you in mind. Please use them (more on that below) and reach out to us to let us know how we can help you! We want to offer some very, very practical help.

And if you are connected to friends in this arena, please forward this blog to them!

First, a quick peek into our conference sessions …

I have been honored to present at AACC for many years. This time, I did a pre-conference workshop with my coauthor of Secrets of Sex & Marriage, renowned sex therapist Dr. Michael Sytsma. Our presentation had the best title ever, “Zippers and Wallets,” and equipped leaders to help couples navigate sex and money in marriage. (Cute, right?)

I also co-led a session with Jonathan Hoover, Ph.D., a Regent University program director and professor whose specific research interest is clergy burnout and self-care, and who is also a pastor at NewSpring Church in Wichita. (Can you tell why he is studying burnout?) Titled, “Let’s Talk About Sex,” the workshop equipped more than 400 attendees—especially clinical therapists—on how to help couples talk about sex. (Our research found that is a particularly pivotal factor for a marriage.)

Okay, on to your needs and how we might help.

We know the current need is overwhelming – and we and millions of others appreciate you!

We know that mental health, marriage, and other pain-point needs are overwhelming right now, and we want to say THANK YOU for all you do!!! As we told hundreds of leaders who came into our booth at AACC: You are doing work the everyday work with individual lives that we cannot do. Lives are changed and marriages are transformed— eternal impacts!—because you wake up each morning and do what God has placed in front of you to do. Our prayer for you echoes Paul’s: “May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

But we also know you are tired. We know the demand for counseling and help today is FAR greater than the current supply of mental health professionals. We know you often have to turn people away—and that hurts. As one clinic director told us, “Our schedule is fully booked, and every day we are flooded with requests for counseling that we can’t meet. As a clinician, it just hurts to turn so many people away. To share a referral list and hear back that none of those people are taking new clients either. It feels a bit helpless.”

Long hours, overwhelming need and a sense of helplessness can cause isolation, compassion fatigue, and depression. In all our AACC conversations we also saw another major theme: People helpers get so busy and weary trying to meet the need that their own relationships and mental health suffer. Many stopped by the booth to check out books and resources for clients—and then confided they needed them for their own lives, too.

We hope you can take care of yourself and your own relationships, even as you keep going. And we want to help.

Here are some of the practical ways our ministry is here to help you.

Most importantly, I want to make sure you know about #1, as it can be a practical way to take work off your plate.

Weekly blog content. Many of you have newsletters, but writing content is one of those things that you often just don’t have time for. When that happens, please use any of our weekly blogs/articles in your newsletter or social media! We spend a lot of time and effort on these blogs to serve everyday readers in their relationships—and to give counselors, leaders, and ministries resources they can share with their people. I invite you to keep an eye on our weekly topics. If you see something that would be useful to you and your people, you are welcome to excerpt that blog or link to it in your newsletter, social posts or whatever methods you use to communicate to your own audience, as long as you give credit/attribution to shaunti.com. (So if you haven’t subscribed to our weekly blog, click here to sign up!)

Other resources:

Books and courses. From examining the underlying issues that drive relationship insecurities through bestselling books For Women Only and For Men Only to looking at the money and sex problems in marriage, to how simple kindness transforms relationships, to devotionals that take people on a journey to better mental health, we have two dozen books and courses that can help your people—and perhaps help you. Please check them out on our website or send an email to webcontact@shaunti.com and a member of our staff will follow up with you to discuss which of our resources would be a match for the people you serve.Speaking. Speaking is where the research-based a-ha moments come to life! We have heard innumerable stories about lives and marriages changed by the practical, doable, transformational truths we share from the stage. I say “we,” because in addition to my individual speaking calendar (especially women’s events), my husband Jeff and I love doing marriage events together. It is especially fun to watch the men in the audience totally engage in an event that some were initially reluctant to attend. Mostly because they relate to Jeff—a non-counselor, former-captain-of-the-football-team guy—who can legitimately demonstrate that if he can do this, they can do this! So we would love to serve you or your leader friends in-person or virtually. Please email us at speaking@shaunti.com or visit my speaking page to see how we might work together.Research. We have been doing exploratory research for several years on the mental health crisis and evidence-based ways of addressing it. I can’t say much yet, and we aren’t sure exactly where this will go, but stay tuned for more. We would love your prayers that this project indeed becomes what we hope: a very, very practical way to help you as you help others.

Friends, again, I just have to say thank you. Let us know how we can serve you. The sea of 7,000 faces at the AACC World Conference offered a glimpse that together we can do more than we ever could alone. The harvest has always been great, and the workers always few—but we also know that God has called us to link arms to make a difference.

Let’s keep making one.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

The Sky Is Not Falling—3 Ways to Help Our Kids Find Calm in Chaos

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

The post You Encouragers Need Encouragement Too! appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

The Sky Is Not Falling—3 Ways to Help Our Kids Find Calm in Chaos

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Published on October 03, 2023 02:00

The Sky Is Not Falling—3 Ways to Help Our Kids Find Calm in Chaos

We’re a full year from the next presidential election, but does anyone else feel like it’s already in full swing? I know. Too soon.

As a former public policy analyst who cares deeply about both policy issues and family relationships, I’m going to try to walk the fine line between the two today. In fact, while political races—and hot-button issues and divisive rhetoric heat up—I’m even going to risk being a little blunt: Parents, the sky is not falling. Yes, there are very real issues out there in the world. But a major study (that I’ll describe below) recently revealed the fact that our catastrophizing about those issues is actually hurting our kids.

We all know societal challenges are real. And some people are absolutely called to address them and fight for change. But it turns out: how we discuss, work, and engage for societal change is incredibly important for our kids’ mental health—and our own.

The research demonstrated that every time we jump to the worst conclusions about the current state of the country or its political leadership (no matter what side of the aisle we’re on), and we vent our views, we add to the stress our kids are carrying. We also increase our own risk of greater anxiety and depression.

I have spent hundreds of hours talking to tweens, teenagers, and young adults for books like For Parents Only and for my blog. Wherever you are in your parenting journey, these three action steps will help you equip your kids to maneuver this ever-changing world with greater confidence and hope. And they may just help you as well.

Action Step #1: Teach kids—and ourselves—not to catastrophize

The phrase “more is caught than taught” is truer than we’ve ever known. So, when we model a “sky is falling” behavior for our kids, we’re actually teaching them to behave that way.

Ouch.

Catastrophizing is essentially thinking and saying things like, “If XYZ happens, it is going to be a catastrophe!” And in our culture there is plenty to catastrophize about. Certain things may in fact be a catastrophe if they happen. But all too often, we mentally build up possibilities into certainties.

More important, even those of us who are people of faith too easily ignore the fact that God is still working in our world. He is still in charge. After all, the first-century church faced far greater challenges than any of us face in our culture, and yet those facing the most immediate persecution were given commands like “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all” (Romans 12:18) and “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.” (Philippians 4:6)

We are commanded to live in peace, not fear—even when there are indeed things to fear! As Jesus put it, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” (John 14:27)

How do we do this?

First, before we can teach our kids not to catastrophize, we must gain perspective on our own thoughts. In a piece published earlier this year, Matthew Yglesias writes:

For a very wide range of problems, part of helping people get out of their trap is teaching them not to catastrophize. People who are paralyzed by anxiety or depression or who are lashing out with rage aren’t usually totally untethered from reality. They are worried or sad or angry about real things. But instead of changing the things they can change and seeking the grace to accept the things they can’t, they’re dwelling unproductively as problems fester.

As we steward our role as parents to impressionable children, we have to grapple with that profound question: are we changing the things we can and seeking the grace to accept the things we can’t? Being mad about politics or news headlines all the time is not helping our kids. And although not everyone who reads this blog is a person of faith, I believe those of us who are have a God-given responsibility to model peace in the storms of life to our children.

Thankfully, that sense of parental responsibility may help us continue a healthy habit we might otherwise lose when things get hard.

Action Step #2: Think parentally first, and politically second

In the last few presidential election cycles, it’s become more and more clear that the days of keeping our political persuasions to ourselves are gone. Still, parenting isn’t political. No matter how open we are about our political views, our job as parents first and foremost is to shepherd the hearts of our kids.

That said, I am now going to walk what I realize is a very fine line. Research shows that teenage children of politically liberal parents are more likely to deal with depression—perhaps because liberal parents are somewhat more likely to catastrophize (more on that below). A study released this year, “The politics of depression: Diverging trends in internalizing symptoms among US adolescents by political beliefs,” analyzed nationally representative data of more than 86,000 12th-grade students from 2005 to 2018. Researchers found that depressive scores were highest for female liberal adolescents. Overall, conservative adolescents reported lower average depressive affect, self-derogation, and loneliness, and higher self-esteem scores. Overall, depression ranked highest among liberal girls, then liberal boys, then conservative girls, then conservative boys.

This data accompanies other findings that, overall in America, teenage girls especially are experiencing alarmingly high levels of sadness, hopelessness, and depression, according to the CDC’s Youth Risk Behavior data. In fact, almost 60% of teen girls say they experience hopelessness or persistent sadness, up from 36% in 2011 (p.61). But now we know that there is another factor that appears to impact where a teenager might fall on that spectrum.

Now, this isn’t to make a pro-conservative or anti-liberal argument. (Those who know my professional background know that in my twenties I worked for Democrats on Capitol Hill.) But the data is stark—and other research appears to show why. It’s not because there’s something inherently damaging or healthy about the complexities of any particular ideology. But it could be that when adults verbally signal belief in impending catastrophes on massive issues like climate change (which tends to be discussed more in a liberal context), the listening brains of children and teenagers absorb these fears. They feel trapped with no way out (since that is the implication of catastrophizing), and become depressed and hopeless.

So as parents of every political persuasion, we need to ask ourselves: in what way are we doing that for the issues we care about? Our children could be absorbing our fears in exactly the same way.

Being honest with ourselves can help us be newly attuned to signs of hopelessness or depression in our adolescents. If we think parentally (how can we shepherd them through this) rather than politically (how might we vent about what we think is wrong), we may help them feel less trapped and fearful.

Action Step #3: Listen to your kids’ fears

In my research for For Parents Only, I discovered that when teenagers act out or “cop an attitude,” this is often an outward sign of their secret fears and insecurities. The data shows that in boys, feelings of powerlessness or insecurity come out as angry, sullen, or withdrawn behavior. Girls, meanwhile, mouth off with lippiness, sarcasm, or antagonistic talk.

If we see these signals, it is time to not only correct and redirect undesirable behavior, but to put our detective hats on and ask questions. And the first question is the hardest one, because it’s one we need to aim at ourselves: Are we doing anything to trigger insecurities in our kids? See Action Step #1. Rinse and repeat.

After that, curiosity goes a long way. Ask questions that draw your kids fears out. Validate their fears and contextualize them in a way that reminds them God is in control. This can help our kids (and us) remember that not only is the sky not falling, but we, in fact, serve a God who rides through the skies looking for those who need help! (Deuteronomy 33:26)

Then, whether it’s a political season or a tough personal or family season, you will have set a template not of catastrophizing but of contextualizing. Issue by issue and news cycle by news cycle, we can help our kids process the massive amount of information they are taking in with hope, peace, and the ultimate reassurance that God is in control.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

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Published on September 28, 2023 02:00

Is Marriage Really on Its Way Out?

Not long ago I was presenting some of my research at a national summit for relationship educators. This incredible and dedicated group included those who work with and support marriages every day in cities around the country. They are doing amazing and often challenging work. And yet I sensed an undercurrent of discouragement about the state of marriage today – an undercurrent I hear from both leaders and average men and women in churches, on airplanes, and in official focus groups.

As most of you know, I have spent a lot of time debunking some of the most damaging, hope-sucking myths about the divorce rate (no, the overall divorce rate is not 50%, and no, the rate of divorce is not the same in the church, and so on). You can see The Good News About Marriageor search my recent articles on that topic, so I won’t revisit it here.

Instead, I want to investigate a completely different theme that I hear when people sound discouraged about marriage: the decline in rates of marriage and the rise in cohabitation.

Now those concerns overall are real; the data shows both trends are going the wrong direction. And given the crucial power of marriage for human flourishing, I think anything that hurts marriage is something to take seriously and address as robustly as possible.

But I also think our perspective is a bit skewed.

For a moment, think about the demographic of couples 25-34 years old who are living together. If I were to ask you to guess, what percentage do you think are cohabiting rather than married?

Take a moment to consider that question, and then read on for several truths that put the “state of marriage” problem in perspective.

Truth #1: The magnitude of cohabitation rather than marriage isn’t what we think it is.

When I ask people what percentage of 25- to 34-year-old, living-together couples are unmarried, most guess in the 50-75% range. In other words, we think most young couples who live together are shacking up rather than making a marriage commitment.

The actual ratio is 26%. A full 74% of those who live together at that age are married. Puts a different spin on things, doesn’t it?

(See more of this data from a National Center for Family & Marriage Research analysis.)

Truth #2: The negative-seeming trends aren’t all for negative reasons!

If you read the news, you will see all sorts of speculative (and depressing) reasons for why marriage rates have reduced. As a 2021 article in The Hill put it, those reasons include “declining religious adherence to marriage, public disenchantment with marriage, and more recently, unstable jobs and strained finances…”

And yes, again, I’m not saying that those things aren’t real. They are.

But let’s zoom out and look at the bigger picture. According to the Census Bureau, the marriage rate declined almost 9% from 2011 to 2021. Yes, that is a lot in a short time. But during that same period, the divorce rate declined by 29%! Yes, you read that right!

One reason that might help explain both trends may simply be that more people are waiting longer to get married, with the average age of marriage rising to age 30 for men and 28 for women. Here’s how that might work for each:

The divorce rate. People who get married older find that their relative maturity is protective. In a landmark 2011 analysis, Harvard-trained economist and researcher Dana Rotz quantified that fully 60% of the decline in the divorce rate since 1980 was due to the simple, protective factor of people getting married at older ages. She hasn’t updated that analysis recently, but it seems likely that this factor continues to matter.

The marriage rate. I haven’t seen an analysis on this, so this is speculative. But from what I can tell, some of this is probably pure math. The marriage rate is the number of marriages per 1,000 women each year. So doing a very simplistic analysis, think of the universe of people in the prime ages of 25-31, and pretend that they are “not available for marriage” until they hit the average age of marriage (I told you this was simplistic). As the age of marriage has risen, the population of those ages 25-31 who are “not yet available” has grown relative to that group as a whole, and those who are “available to be married” has shrunk. So there is simply a smaller universe of people in that group who are already at the average marriage age and thus available to tie the knot than there were ten years ago. Obviously, this math is ridiculously simple and will not be a real accounting for the decline in the marriage rate, but the concept is likely to be a meaningful part of it.

Truth #3: There still are powerful incentives today to get married.

People will usually act in their own self-interest. And ironically, for an institution that is based on prioritizing the other person, it is simply in most people’s self-interest to get married once they find that right partner! Pretty much every analysis that has ever been done has found that marriage, overall, promotes human thriving; married people have better health, are less likely to be depressed, and much more likely to be happy. Married people are more likely to be better off financially, live longer, and simply enjoy their relationship more.

So if you have any group of relatively rational non-married couples who are looking at real humans who are married versus those who are not married, most of those relatively rational people will conclude that this marriage gig is not such a bad idea.

Unfortunately, there are still far too many groups (such as those who are less-educated, or certain ethnic minorities) who view a lifelong, happy marriage as unattainable and thus hold themselves back from that all-important commitment. And because those issues are real, it is up to all of us to continue to push back against the discouraging “marriage is doomed” narrative when there are indeed real and encouraging truths about marriage that, in most cases, is such a key part of helping people thrive.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

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Published on September 19, 2023 02:00

Four Ways to Find Peace in Any Storm

Many of you walked with me through my breast cancer journey the last two years, and I’m still so filled with gratitude for the support you offered. Even now I vividly remember my response when a mammogram revealed cancer: There is no way that is what I just heard. It was surreal. 

Yet, when the initial numbness wore off, I had an aha moment. Literally six weeks before my diagnosis, I had released my 60-day devotional Find Joy. For many months, I’d been writing and speaking about finding joy no matter our circumstances. Suddenly, the lessons I had learned in writing my collection of devotionals offered an on-ramp for me to find joy in my own trial. I found such grace and mercy in that.

Still, if most of us are honest, this familiar Bible verse is tough medicine:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kind because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.

(James 1:2-4, NIV)

I am happy to report that follow-up visits continue to confirm my treatment was successful and I remain cancer-free. But I am joyful to report that during that season – even though it was stressful and even though I still live with side effects from treatment – the James verse really has come alive in my life.

Now, just to be clear: I am definitely not 100% mature and complete – just ask Jeff or my kids! But I have seen very personally that external trials are often the gateway to a very important internal journey. A journey toward becoming mature … complete … joyful. Even in some very real storms.

Just last week I was speaking on the topic of finding joy instead of anxiety at a popular convention for young moms – a group with one of the highest levels of anxiety around. I shared several practical, transformational habits from Find Joy that jump out from both science and scripture. But I realize they all start with some essential mindset shifts. So let’s look at four of them – four mindset shifts that make all the difference to being able to find peace and even joy in the storm.

Mindset shift #1: Expect that trials are going to come

One of my team members told me recently that the first bible verse she ever memorized was “In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33, NIV).

You know where she was when she memorized it? A doctor’s office. The verse was hanging on a plaque on the wall, and she was awaiting news that could have been really bad. As she sat in that patient room, nervously swinging her legs underneath the examination table, she got her phone out and read the context of the verse.

Jesus had just told his best friends that their grief would turn to joy – and that this reality would be a source of peace for them. And then he guaranteed that they would have trouble.

What?

When we understand that trials and troubles are part of life (yes, even the Christian life) they won’t throw us off our game. We’ll realize they are the game.

Mindset shift #2: Realize those trials come even when we’re doing everything we should do!

Today I’m getting pretty personal, but I’ll be honest: My breast cancer diagnosis did not hammer my faith as hard as when my son was diagnosed with epilepsy at age 11. We suffered with him while he spent his middle school years re-training his brain how to read.

It was humbling and hard for him, and it was excruciating for me to watch my son suffer. I questioned God, wrestled with the incredible trial shoved into our family, and cried innumerable tears. Sometimes, I still do. 

But I’ve also been learning about God’s peace in the storm. Because in this broken world, some storms will come regardless of how much we are following Him. When I wrote the Find Peace devotional for moms, I realized what the disciples were probably thinking as they headed out to cross the Sea of Galilee at night – something the seasoned fishermen in their ranks would never normally do because the topography of the area often led to violent squalls. But Jesus is with us, they probably thought, so nothing bad will happen. In fact, they had just come off a day of doing productive ministry, so they probably didn’t think a storm should happen.

So when it did, they were shocked and a little angry with Jesus. To paraphrase Mark 4:38: “Why is he sleeping? Doesn’t he care that we’re about to drown after doing His ministry all day and going where He told us to?”

I suspect most of us are the same. When we are trying to follow Him, something in us feels like storms “shouldn’t” happen. But that storm – and many other types of trouble – happened when Jesus and His followers were exactly where they were supposed to be.

In my own cancer diagnosis on the heels of the release of Find Joy, I was reminded that we owe God everything and He owes us nothing. If we have given our lives to Him, our lives are not our own. But our heavenly Father is also so loving and gracious, that this isn’t the end of the story. Yes, He paid an incomprehensible price for us to have an eternal future with Him. But He also wants us to have abundant life, joy and peace now —and has given us a path to get there (John 10:10).

Mindset shift #3: Realize the path to peace is often paved in baby steps

Sometimes the storms we endure move fast. But sometimes they require a longer road to healing. Recently a Christian neuropsychologist addressed this with a friend of mine in a way that I think is profound. She has dealt her whole adult life with the mental health consequences of childhood sexual and emotional trauma, and she was going through a particularly rough patch at the moment.

The doctor basically said, and I’m paraphrasing, that someone with a trauma background should be living life in “bite-sized pieces.” I think that advice is helpful for anyone who wrestles with finding peace in the storm. While the principle of trusting God with the future is good, it can also be overwhelming. We may wonder, as my friend did, How can I trust God with the storms in my future? This Christian neuropsychologist recommended simply looking at each anxiety-inducing thing individually. What’s coming up TODAY that we need to trust God with?

Because when we trust God one-by-one with the immediate things, trusting God with the bigger picture will get easier.

I could almost hear my friend exhale. “That means on a night when I’m feeling especially scared, all I have to do is trust God to get me through the night,” she told me. “That made a lot of sense to me. That’s something I think I can do.”

Mindset shift #4: Realize that storms are where we grow

I don’t know why our son had to go through epilepsy or I had to fight cancer – or why you’ve had to face the hard things you’ve had to face. Maybe you’re even in a battle right now.

But I do know this. Storms are where we grow.

We don’t always see our muscles developing in real time. In fact, when I wrote about my son’s journey through the realities of epilepsy, I admitted we wouldn’t have chosen that trial. But we also wouldn’t trade the joy of the enormous victory we’ve seen our son achieve. (As those of you who follow the blog know, he graduated high school last May with honors!)

What Jesus once told his best friends really is true. Grief does yield to joy. We really can experience peace in the hard things of life.

If you’d like to Find Joy in your life, consider picking up a copy of my book and its companion journal. I wrote it for you. And in my trial, I guess God reminded me that I wrote it for me, too.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

The Saver-Spender Disconnect in Marriage – and How to Handle It

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What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

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Published on September 12, 2023 02:00

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 3)

Are you adjusting to an empty nest? This series will help! Part 1 and Part 2 offer parenting strategies for strong relationships with your adult kids. In part 3 we examine how to strengthen your marriage in this new season. (Stay tuned for a follow-up later this fall, when we’ll reveal what our adult kids say they need from us, courtesy of a brand-new short survey!)

When our daughter was in school, we had lots of friends among the other “volleyball parents.” We spent countless hours sitting together on uncomfortable bleachers, driving to games, and grabbing meals at odd hours. We shared a lot of life, struggles, heartache, and joy.

A few of those friends also went to our church. We had a broader relationship. We saw them at other times and did other things together. Our relationship was not defined by volleyball or the kids.

Guess which friends are still close friends now that the kids have graduated and are no longer the center of our relationship?

And guess what the lesson is, for all of us married couples whose kids have graduated and are not at the “center” of our relationship?

We’ve known the formula all along: God first. Marriage second. Kids third. But somewhere between our children’s’ thumb-sucking and boundary-bucking years, many parents slip into a pattern of putting the kids front and center. And that slippage is totally understandable since time with them is often front and center: carpools, sports, theater shows, late-night science projects, advice for the first love (and the first breakup). So much time has been spent shaping our kids’ faith, values, and character.

Then suddenly they move out. They have their own lives. Even for couples who prioritized each other over time, there’s a tendency to look at each other and go, “Wait, who are you again?”

Whether you feel like you’ve drifted from your spouse, or are just looking to jumpstart this new season, these three action steps will help you rediscover the fulness of married life with a best friend beside you in that empty nest.

Action step #1: Be careful to not point at your spouse’s mistakes (but at what they did right!)

You and your spouse are on the same side. You’ve probably always been on the same side. I’ll be writing a blog later this fall on defensiveness (subscribe to my email list to ensure you don’t miss that crucial post!), so I won’t unpack that here. Just one important point to mention: As you consider the “new world,” you may see things that should have been done differently in the old one. You or your spouse may be tempted to mention those things. And this is likely to lead someone to get defensive.

When we get defensive, we stop learning and growing, and instead begin protecting our mistakes – which makes it tempting to point our fingers at the mistakes of our spouse. As you can imagine, this will not lead to the happiest start to your new season of life.

Consider the case of Tim and Cecilia and their youngest son, who moved out in a defiant teenage blaze of glory. Their plan had been for their son to live at home while he went to community college, so they could help him live a healthy adult lifestyle. Instead, he found roommates and, to use his words, “got the heck out” at age 18.

They were shocked and, they admit now, defensive. During their son’s high school years, they had developed a pattern in which conflict-avoidant Tim yielded most of the discipline to Cecilia, who grew increasingly frustrated with both her husband and their son. Now, with their nest unexpectedly empty, Tim and Cecilia were left pointing fingers at each other (“You were too hard on him!” and “You didn’t help me!”).

The truth is, both Tim and Cecilia could have done things differently. Counseling has put them well on the way to relating to each other in healthier ways. And maybe a little geographic distance was the good thing for their relationship with their son, who recently told them, “I know I pushed you guys to the limits, but I want you to know that without you I wouldn’t be where I am in life.”

None of us are perfect parents. If we’re going to point out anything, let’s point at what our spouse did right. Consider one of my favorite verses in the Bible:

Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

You are not the only one missing your child so much that your heart aches. Your spouse probably is too. So what do they need to hear from you today about what he or she did right as a parent?

Action step #2: Purposefully create and spend time together

At a marriage retreat, one husband lowered his voice to share something.

“I feel like I’ve lost my wife,” he said. “And I don’t know what to do. We were both so wrapped up in the kids, it defined how we related to each other. Now our youngest has gone to college, my wife is depressed, and we don’t know how to relate to each other. We’re having to learn each other all over again.”

Even though it was born from a hard realization, I liked this husband’s “learn each other” language. Ideally, we’re doing this as we go along – staying connected as couples during the parenting years. But if we’re suddenly faced with taking a “crash course” in each other when the kids move out, one of the only ways to ace the course is to become friends again … which requires creating and spending time together.

You can be super busy and still find ways to do that – but that’s the key: you have to find ways. Jeff and I love watching college football together (go Blue!), joining friends for lunch after church, or simply sharing coffee to start the day. As I told the man at the marriage retreat, whether you two volunteer at church, take walks, or start a new hobby, our research has found that time together is key.

(A quick aside to the couple who feels like time together is strained or that they don’t know their spouse anymore; our research also found that getting back to being friends is one of the most vital keys. Because with a friend … you can work through almost anything.)

Action step #3: Pursue each other

Remember when you were dating your spouse, and you couldn’t wait until the next time you talked? (Some of us remember a landline. In the living room. With a cord attached to the wall.) Empty nest is a great time to go back to the beginning. To pursue our spouse again. To let them know we want their time, attention, and sexual intimacy.

Those of you who have read my new book, Secrets of Sex & Marriage, probably giggled with me at the opening story of Jackie and Trent – a 12-year married couple with three kids who had a delightful, playful relationship (even the police officers who stopped them thought so)! Their brush with the law notwithstanding, Jackie and Trent illustrate a powerful principle. They pursue each other.

Empty nest can be like a new season of dating. The specifics of how we pursue each other will look very different for each couple, but the why it’s important is clearly outlined in our research.

As I wrote in For Women Only, men are powerfully driven by the need to feel desired by their wives. If they feel like their wives truly want them sexually, they feel alive, powerful, confident, and loved. (If they don’t, they feel … depressed. And many women, of course, feel that same way.)

In our For Men Only research, we found that women are driven by a longing for closeness and affirmation of our man’s love. (Guys, when is the last time you sent your wife a text message telling her you love her – and why? Try it!)

So, there we have it: Put our pointer fingers away (unless we’re pointing out the good stuff), spend time together, and pursue each other. That’s a really good start, and many of you have other good ideas. So: what has enlivened your marriage in the empty nest years? I’d love to hear from you in the comments. (If you’re reading this in my weekly email, click over to the blog to share your thoughts.)

And in the meantime, remember: There were no children in the garden. Adam and Eve enjoyed sweet fellowship with each other and God before kids came along. Maybe it’s time for us to go back to the beginning, too.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

The Saver-Spender Disconnect in Marriage – and How to Handle It

Debunking the Bad Rap Against Evangelical Men

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What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

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Published on September 05, 2023 02:00

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 2)

Are you adjusting to the changing realities of an empty nest? This series will help! This Part 2 continues what we started in Part 1 with parenting-related strategies. Next week, in part 3, we’ll navigate what this means for marriage. And stay tuned for a two-part follow-up later this fall, when we’ll reveal what our adult kids say they need from us, courtesy of a brand-new short survey!

In last week’s blog , we looked at how important (and difficult!) it is for empty nesters to switch from counselor to coach. I hope you got the chance to put your coach hat on and be an encouragement to your adult kids!

This week, we’ll explore two more mindset shifts – and the action steps that accompany them – that can pave the way for strong, mutually respectful relationships in these empty nest years, and in the years to come.

Mindset shift #2: Trust your adult kids to make their own decisions.

No matter how much great groundwork we’ve laid by nudging our kids toward autonomy in their teen years, going “hands-free” on decision-making is an exercise in trust all on its own.

Especially since our adult kids will not make all the same decisions as us! They are navigating the landmines of “adulting” – and if they are early in their adult years, they are doing that for the first time. They are decades behind us in age and (hopefully) maturity. There will be stumbles. Just like we had stumbles during those years.

But we can remember this principle: trust builds trust.

As we show support for our adult children in their decision-making, they will likely approach us with greater and greater levels of trust – even inviting us to weigh in. Conversely, if they sniff out regular disappointment, criticism, or control from us, they may shut down or shut us out completely from their decisions.

So, how can we build a sense of mutual trust and respect, especially when we’ve been accustomed to having direct input into their decisions?

Action #2: Ask open-ended, curious questions.

Asking sincerely curious, open-ended, “coaching” questions can help the transition. And genuine, no-judgment-here curiosity is the key – because otherwise a young adult could easily hear a list of questions as criticism rather than as coaching! But sincere curiosity can go a long way – both toward letting our adult children arrive at their own conclusions (win!) and helping them feel supported by an interested, loving parent (double win!).

For example, suppose our child is deciding between several graduate schools or two different jobs. Instead of sharing our opinion (even if we have a strong one!) we might ask some questions to understand where they are starting. What are the financial realities of either decision for you? What advantages do you see about the timing – and the time involved – with either path? What has time in prayer shown you about what to do? What can we do to help you feel supported?

Notice, those are all open-ended questions, which are far less likely to be misunderstood as attacks. “Have you prayed about it?” may cause your adult child to bristle, but “What have you felt as you have prayed about it?” is a totally different thing.

If we really do have a targeted solution in mind but don’t want to force it, we can float the idea by asking, “What would it look like if you ____________?” and follow their answer with, “Tell me more about why you feel that way.”

Then, listen. Like, really listen. Not listening with half an ear while thinking through what we want to say next. In fact, we may not need to say anything at all, unless and until they ask for our opinion. (I’m still working on that one!)

Inviting our kids to work things out on their own while feeling supported by us may be the greatest gift we can offer in these initial adult years. This leads directly into Mindset shift #3.

Mindset shift #3: Respect their boundaries.

I once met a woman at a conference who expressed both frustration and resignation over an ongoing situation with her mother-in-law. “She barges into my house without knocking whenever she feels likes stopping by,” she said, before lowering her voice. “If I changed the locks, I don’t think we would survive her reaction.”

That’s not even the most horrifying aspect of the story. The woman was in her fifties and the mother-in-law was in her seventies! For many years, a pattern of disregard for healthy boundaries had normalized, resulting in a daughter-in-law who felt disregarded and a mother-in-law who exerted an unhealthy amount of control.

Imagine the difference if boundaries instead been set early on.

As our young adults begin to solidify their values and explore the boundaries they want to draw for their own lives, it’s crucial that we respect those boundaries. What might that look like?

Action #3: If they don’t bring up their preferences and boundaries … ask.

If our child doesn’t set boundaries for things like how frequently you should get in touch, the types of input that is helpful versus frustrating, and what the joint expectations will be for when they come home for holidays, we can help them think those things through. We can jointly discuss what those expectations will be. And this holds true for each new season they enter, which probably will have different expectations and boundaries. For example, what they want as a freshman in college will look different than when they are a senior in college (and different after they have graduated and have a job). We need to be proactively asking and adjusting at each step.

As we respect their lower-stakes boundary lines (e.g. how often we’ll touch base or whether it’s okay to “just stop by” their apartment), we may see really healthy conversations emerge around higher-stakes boundary lines (e.g. where they will spend the holidays or what their living situation looks like). We can have constructive dialogue, but we cannot impose our viewpoints on our adult kids. Thankfully, as we refrain from doing so, we’ll likely discover that a healthy two-way respect develops for our boundaries, too.

We may not always agree with the boundary lines our adult children draw. We may be hurt or even tempted to use guilt to control them into moving those boundary lines. But sowing seeds of respect and understanding is what we’re going for. A short term “win” is never a win if we blow the long game. Embracing this new season as a parent, with all its new opportunities, will solidify the loving relationship we want with our kids for years to come.

While the first two blogs in this series have shared parenting strategies for the empty nest years, come back next week when we’ll explore ideas for staying connected (or reconnecting) as a couple after the kids are gone.

In the meantime, I’d love to hear the empty nest parenting approaches that have worked for you! Please leave a comment below (or, if you’re reading this in my weekly email, hop over to the blog and share your thoughts.)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

The Saver-Spender Disconnect in Marriage – and How to Handle It

Debunking the Bad Rap Against Evangelical Men

What To Do When You Think “What I Need is Obvious —Why Aren’t You Doing It?”

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What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

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Published on August 29, 2023 02:00

What Every Empty Nest Parent Needs to Know (Part 1)

Are you adjusting to the changing realities of an empty nest? This series will help! Parts 1-2 will address your new season of parenting. In part 3, we’ll navigate the new ground your marriage is breaking (no, your marriage isn’t breaking!). And stay tuned for a two-part follow-up later this fall, when we’ll reveal what our adult kids say they need from us, courtesy of a brand-new short survey!

I wrote these words in 2017 in a blog on living with purpose: “My kids may be teenagers at the moment, but I feel like I’m going to wake up tomorrow and find an empty nest!”

I can hardly believe it, but tomorrow is here. Three weeks ago, our daughter moved into her first “real” apartment and is working away at her first full-time engineering job. And although our son was living at home this summer, he just moved back to college last week.

Our house suddenly feels so … empty!

As anyone who has faced an empty nest can attest, it is an extremely tricky transition. Our role as a parent changes, and what our kids need (and don’t need) from us changes. We all know this, but that doesn’t mean we know how to do this. So I’ve been looking at the research, seeking counsel from those who are doing it well, and doing some research of my own with 18- to 25-year-old young adults to get their perspective. (In this series, I’m using the phrase “young adult” in the literal sense – someone early in their adult years, in the 18-25 age demographic.)

Over and over again I have been hearing the importance of the same three shifts in our parenting mindset, along with three ‘what to do about it’ actions. These mindset shifts and actions will help us not only “hang in there” through the changes – but thrive in this new season of relationship with our young adult kids.

The first one is a pretty radical shift, and we know it needs to happen— but it can be a hard one. Especially in the early empty nest phase. So we’ll deal with it exclusively this week, followed by two more shifts next week in Part 2.

Mindset shift #1: Switch from counselor to coach.

For eighteen years, you’ve been your child’s primary counselor – informing their decisions on everything from nutrition and screen time to the value of not leaving their wet bath towel on the floor of their room. (They’re on their own with that one now.)

Here’s why switching from counselor to coach can be such a hard shift: In a nationally-representative survey of teenagers ages 15-17, for For Parents Only, we found that teens actually do feel loved and more secure when we parents take charge (as long as we’re leading them into greater responsibility rather than just “laying down the law”). For us parents, we try to give them more independence as they grow, but when we do need to put our foot down, it often means “taking charge” at precisely the time our teenagers push hardest against our authority. It’s like we spend the end of their high school years as levees braced against a flood of ferocious, emotional elements of burgeoning independence and opinion!

But then from one moment to the next … most of that ferocious flood evaporates. In our research for For Parents Only, we discovered that once a young adult turns 18 and graduates from high school, all that pent-up intensity shifts to a completely different mindset. One that knows their life is now, legally, theirs to manage (even if they do still need help from us financially).

So in the span of a few very short weeks or months, as our kids become adults, graduate from high school, and move on to college or work – often moving out entirely – we must almost immediately trade our “take charge” hat for a “coach” hat. Suddenly, our job is to expertly support and motivate our adult kids as they are now (mostly) responsible for their lives.

It’s enough to give any parent whiplash!

So what to do?

Action #1: When confused about how to handle something … picture the coach.

When we struggle with how to handle a particular “parenting moment,” we can picture two types of people – and choose which we will be.

Person 1 is a restaurant inspector. Their job is to come in, poke around behind the scenes of a business, make sure everything is happening in the safe and healthy way it is supposed to happen, and enforce the rules when things are going off the rails. They don’t run the business, but they have legal oversight – and the ability to shut the business down financially if they don’t like where it is going. And most restaurateurs don’t like either of those things very much.

Person 2 is the coach of a college sports team. Their job is to help their athletes become the best they can be and learn what they need to learn … but the choice to accept coaching and do what needs to be done (or not) is entirely on the athlete. And the coach will in turn make their guidelines and scholarship requirements clear and decide how to handle the athlete based on the athlete’s attitude and choices.

So, when we wonder what to do … what would a coach do? What would a coach who deeply cares for his or her players do? (Yes, I know the analogy is imperfect, because we are and will always be, first and foremost a PARENT who adores our kid. But work with me here.)

We can share lots of encouragement with words of hope and promise. We can let our kids know how proud we are of very specific things – for example, of how they are handling their job pressure, romantic choices, or roommate challenges. We can build them up when they are discouraged. We can let them know we are here if they need us. If we are brand-new at this coach thing, we can avoid the temptation to call every ten minutes. (Just sayin’.)

And just as a coach would likely call out damaging or unproductive patterns that impacted their athlete’s life, we might need to call something out with love and grace. We might need to set clear boundaries and say what will happen beyond them. (“Whether you keep smoking is your choice; but in that case you’ll need to find a different place to live. And I’d be glad to help you look at the options if you wanted that.”) We might even need to “pull their scholarship” if they are making unwise choices with the financial support we extend. But the goal is to help them become the best they can be in order to succeed (coach) rather than ensure they are adhering to certain rules (restaurant inspector).

For those of us who are early in this journey, it’s really important to give ourselves grace as we make the switch from counselor to coach. I’m learning, stumbling around, and cringing when I make the classic mistakes. The other day, when my daughter made a decision about something, I asked her, “Are you sure you want to do it that way?” A long pause told me that she was trying to figure out how to say kindly, “Yes, that’s why I’m doing it this way, Mom.”

We won’t do it perfectly. And they won’t do it perfectly (hence our desire to jump in). But if we want to have ongoing presence in their lives for when they do need and want our guidance, a coach mindset is far more likely to build that relationship than an inspector vibe that tells our young independent adults, “You have to do life my way.”

There are several more mindset shifts that matter, so come back next week for actionable steps related to trust and boundary lines, and learning what you can do to foster strong relationships with your adult kids in both areas. (We’ll solicit input from you at the end of next week’s blog too, so if you’re an empty nester, don’t miss the chance to weigh in!)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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