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What Adult Children Need – And Don’t Need – From Their Parents

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Published on December 12, 2023 02:00

What Adult Children Need – And Don’t Need – From Their Parents

Earlier this year, my three-part series for parents of empty nesters looked at how we parent adult kids when they are grown and gone. But what do our adult kids themselves say they need? Read on to discover a few additional – and essential – action steps.

For years, we build activities, budgets, and family outings around our kids. And then they move out. And then maybe they move back in. (More on that in a minute.)

Whether our adult kids are living on their own or are back home, it’s tempting to be focused only on our perspective as parents. (e.g. “We just found equilibrium again as a married couple, and now our son wants to move back home??!” or “We taught her how to handle finances – what did we do wrong?”)

But what about their perspectives?

In my series for Empty Nest parents this fall (see part 1, part 2 and part 3), we explored how to respect adult kids’ boundaries and switch our mindset from counselor to coach. But the essential next-step question is: what do they most want us to know?

Our team reviewed external research studies and conducted an informal, anonymous survey of adults ages 19-24. (Although we sent it far and wide, we suspect that many who actually took the survey by the deadline were the young adult kids of team members, and their friends!) Four action steps clearly emerged from what these young adults said.

Action Step #1: Both respect their independence and ask, “Do you want to hear our perspective?”

In our informal survey and in my random interviews with young adults as I travel, I hear one theme over and over: Parents should neither hover nor back off entirely but ask their adult kids, “Do you want our advice on XYZ?”

When asked from a sincere heart that respects the answer “no,” this question can open up conversations about all sorts of essential topics – finances, relationships, ethical dilemmas at work, life choices, and, eventually, their own parenting needs.

One survey-taker said, “Remember, your kids are adults, but they are also still learning. Let them live independently, let them make a few mistakes, but also know that you do have a better/bigger perspective on life and your wisdom is extremely valuable, regardless of whether or not your child thinks so. But to earn their respect (and their heeding of your wisdom), you do have to establish some rapport/friendship with them.”

Action Step #2: Help them figure out finances, if desired

In my informal survey, I asked: “What do you most NEED – emotionally or in any other way – from your parents during this time in your life, if anything?

A top answer? Financial guidance! That surprised me – but then made total sense. Because Gen Z young adults have far less familiarity with financial independence than did prior generations.

Pew Research Center found that in 1980, 32% of young adults were financially independent by age 22. Today that number is down to 24%! In a nationally representative survey, 59% of parents said they had given at least some financial help to their 18-29 year-old kids in the last year.

Meanwhile, just a few years down the road, 55% of Americans in their thirties and forties say parents are “doing too much” for young adult children. Yet those ages 18-29 disagree: only 31% say their parents are doing too much for them.

What does all of this mean? Well, some theorize that it may simply be more expensive to “launch” today. But I suspect that the help our young adults need may have just as much to do with direction as it does with dollars. In my informal polling, one survey respondent explained it this way: “I don’t know anything about investing – like how to do it or where to start. And while I haven’t asked my parents for explicit help on it, it would help if they asked me if I had thought about it at all, and whether I wanted help/advice from them.”

Another comment, “I would like their help with financial decisions, as I don’t want to be living paycheck to paycheck.”

Action Step #3: Give them space – especially if they move back home

No sooner do we adjust to life in an empty nest than those suckers move back home! This can be a blessing (we get bonus time together, as adults) and a challenge (“I forgot how loud he is when he’s screaming at his X-box”).

If your kids are “re-nesting,” take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. Even among millennials (who are now age 27-42), one in four actually lived with their parents in 2022! (That said, half of that group had moved in during the pandemic, mostly either for financial reasons or to care for their parents.)

Regardless of their age, we need to know each other’s sensitivities. One 23-year-old woman who had moved back home said one of her biggest challenges is “having to let my parents know about my entire schedule.” While we parents might think we’re having conversation or just checking in, our adult kids might feel a bit smothered.

And this is the case no matter where they live. One 23-year-old man who lived independently said he wishes his parents wouldn’t use the phone-finding feature to track his location because “it feels a bit intrusive.” (Um, do you think?)

A 24-year-old man put it this way: “We still want to be around you, just not all the time.”

In other words: space. Plenty of it.

Action #4: Offer “we are there for you” support

In part 1 of my Empty Nest series, I talked about the importance of transitioning from counselor to coach – and this informal survey confirmed it. The young adults expressed a need for their parents to believe in them and encourage them. One respondent expressed the need for parents to support his mental health; another just wanted to be told she’s doing a good job and really needs to know that her parents’ love is unconditional.

The good news is: many parents are indeed reinforcing adult kids in supportive, healthy ways! I was so encouraged to see that, in response to my survey question, “How well are your parents doing at matching the involvement level you want?” most respondents said parents were either “doing great” or “doing pretty well.” Granted, this was an informal survey, but still!

It was also incredibly encouraging to see how many young adults said their parents were indeed there for them.

One young woman said, “I would want my parents to know that they have done a great job. I feel like they are hard on themselves because they see me floundering a bit, but I feel like that’s normal for every new adult. I would much rather have a great and loving relationship with my parents and know they’re always there for me if I come to them, than have them prevent me from floundering at all by dictating my every move. I would also want to tell my parents that I wish I saw them more, because I miss hanging out with them every day.”

So, for all those parents of young adults out there … let’s exhale. We may not be perfect, but in many cases, we are navigating this new and rather weird season fairly well. So ask your kids what they need (and don’t need) from you. Make a commitment to not be defensive about their responses. Enjoy these young people whose possibilities (and opinions) are endless! Tell them they’re doing a good job.

And maybe, just maybe, stop tracking their location.

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Solutions for Sarcasm? Yeah, Right. (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 3)

From Grumbling to Grateful! (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 2)

Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1)

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Solutions for Sarcasm? Yeah, Right. (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 3)

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Published on December 05, 2023 02:00

Solutions for Sarcasm? Yeah, Right. (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 3)

This is Part 3 of a three-part series to help us nix the negative patterns that may be damaging our relationships. Part 1 tackled suspicion , Part 2 examined grumbling , and Part 3 takes aim at solutions for sarcasm.

One of my friends has a sign in her laundry room that says – in a very official looking font – “National Sarcasm Society.” In small letters underneath, the group’s motto boasts: “Like we need your support.”

Clever, right?

The question is: in relationships, when does pithy become … painful? When is our sarcasm really just cover (or seen as cover) for a sense of cynicism, superiority, emotional unavailability or even meanness?

Our research for The Kindness Challenge found that sarcasm holds a special place in the pantheon of our unrecognized patterns of negativity. It is often perceived and rewarded as a strength. And sometimes sarcasm is indeed purely, hilariously, clever and funny, with no downside (more on that in a moment). Yet this perceived strength can also rapidly transform into a real relational weakness.

Yes, hearing this can be alarming for some of us! A common speaking format for me is being interviewed by a pastor onstage as the sermon time during worship services – and a common topic is kindness. More than once, when I’ve outlined sarcasm as one of the seven patterns of unkindness, the pastor has looked pained and said, “But sarcasm is my spiritual gift!”

If you, too, think your gift of sarcasm might have gotten away from you, here are four key questions to ask yourself, along with four transformative strategies.

Question #1: Is it clear to everyone in the room that you feel complete goodwill toward the “target” of your sarcasm?Solution: Avoid sarcasm where it could be misunderstood.

At its best, sarcasm and joking around can create levity in hard situations. We all need to relieve the pressure valve on life sometimes! If everyone in the room knows that we have complete, unconditional respect and care for the person we are being sarcastic with, then it is just funny.

But what if anyone in the room has doubts about that? We discovered that people are often laughing on the outside … and wondering on the inside if you really mean the sarcastic dig and if you really are that cynical, or mean, or “superior.”

If you’re not sure that people know you unconditionally care about and respect the other person, consider setting aside the sarcasm until you’re sure it isn’t acting like a pinprick to the other person’s heart.

Question #2: Is sarcasm your way of deflecting or avoiding vulnerable feelings?Solution: Practice speaking sincerely.

A joke to keep things light can be a great tool. If I really do not want to get into a dicey office-politics discussion, a sarcastic joke that it would be easier to solve the national debt might be a lighthearted way to deflect.

But what about when we rely on frequent sarcasm as a mask to deflect attention from our difficulties, or keep others from seeing how we feel? According to a study in the Journal of Psychiatric Research, that is an all-too-common coping strategy – especially if we suffer from anxiety and/or depression. Ironically, this pattern can make things worse, not better, because eventually people stop fully trusting us. They see our mask and put on their own, shying away from emotional closeness. After all, emotional closeness requires two things:

Vulnerability from us.Vulnerability from others. And by now, others are pretty sure their own vulnerabilities – if they share them – could become the next sarcastic joke.

In our research for The Kindness Challenge, one wife realized that she and her husband both used sarcasm to cope with the hard realities of having a special-needs son – and it had become a barrier to closeness between them. So they did the 30-Day Kindness Challenge and committed to drop all sarcasm for 30 days. They realized that the opposite of sarcasm is sincerity. If someone told them they were holding up great under the pressure, instead of quipping, “Well, you didn’t see us this morning,” they would say, “Thanks. That means a lot to us.”

Very quickly, they felt more satisfied emotionally. They also leaned more honestly into gratitude for their wins because they were emotionally honest about the hard things they endured.

We can do the same.

Question #3: Do you use sarcasm to score points?Solution: Practice building others up.

We’ve all heard the compliments that aren’t compliments.

Nice going.

Smooth move.

Thank you, Nostradamus.

We and everyone else in the room may be chuckling while we say it. But if we’re regularly flashing cutting wit at the expense of others’ feelings – especially if our subconscious aim is to score points or even put them in their place – it won’t feel good in the long run.

Sarcasm functions like a thermostat. Almost any room will adapt to a lower standard of biting behavior. In fact, researchers at the University of Calgary found that family members seem to “catch” sarcasm from one another. Some families relied on sarcasm heavily, and others not at all – showing that use of sarcasm in families may be related to … well, use of sarcasm in families.

Thankfully, the reverse is also true. Try elevating the mood of your home, work environment, or friend group with positive comments. Just as sarcasm is contagious, so is conversation that builds others up.

Replace nice going with “I can see you tried and I appreciate you.”

Trade smooth move for “It will be okay! Here, let me help.”

And nix thank you, Nostradamus in favor of “I love how you try to anticipate things.”

Question #4: Are you sarcastic behind others’ backs?Solution: Be kind behind their backs.

We’ve all been in the uncomfortable situation when Friend A talks about Friend B behind her back. Oh, Susan? She sounds better with her mouth closed.

Uncomfortable laughter ensues. Friend A thinks she got a quick win. But instead, everyone just made a mental note: if Friend A can talk that glibly about Friend B behind her back, then Friend A certainly can do it behind theirs.

You may think “I would never do that.” And maybe you wouldn’t. But ask yourself: How about sarcasm about people who seem much further removed? The school board. Your corporate head honchos. Or … people of an opposite political persuasion?

Not so easy to dismiss that one, is it?

When used behind the backs of others, sarcasm is nearly always negative and destructive. Destructive to your heart, to your listeners (who are now that much more likely to see rude behavior as funny and acceptable), and, candidly, even to our culture.

Here’s a good rule of thumb: If the other person would feel bad if they heard you say it, don’t say it. At least not in that way. Look instead for opportunities to speak positively about the person – or ways to disagree or raise hard issues with respect for the other person. What you “sacrifice” in the “quick win” department, you’ll gain in reputational respect from others.

You will very rarely lose respect by being universally kind and gracious. Being overly sarcastic may cost more than we know.

Oh big deal. (And, yes I really mean that.)

Just to be clear: you don’t have to trade your quick wit to become some kind of killjoy! Well-intentioned and kind humor can always elevate the mood in any room.

It’s the cutting, biting piece that needs to go. Our research found that those who stopped using sarcasm (or used it less frequently) gained trust, honesty, and intimacy in their relationships. They also experienced greater gratitude, saw more of the positive, and improved their work and home environments.

Thankfully, if sarcasm feels like it has been your native tongue for too long now, rest assured it isn’t: The University of Calgary research also found that children don’t really “get” sarcasm until they are 5 or 6, and most don’t see any humor in it until ages 8 or 9.

In other words, we’re not born “speaking sarcasm.” It’s something we learn to detect, decipher, and deploy. Which means we can also learn to control it and even unlearn it where necessary.

And that really is a big deal.

Part 1 and Part 2 – and today’s part 3 – in this Nix the Negativity series helped you find simple solutions for common pitfalls that may be harming your relationships, consider picking up a copy of The Kindness Challenge to discover the other four negative relationship patterns – and their solutions!

And if you are interested in having Shaunti speak on kindness for your workplace, church, school or community group, please contact Nicole Owens at nowens@shaunti.com.

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

From Grumbling to Grateful! (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 2)

Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1)

The post Solutions for Sarcasm? Yeah, Right. (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 3) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

From Grumbling to Grateful! (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 2)

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Published on November 28, 2023 02:00

From Grumbling to Grateful! (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 2)

This is Part 2 of a three-part series to help us nix the negative patterns that may be damaging our relationships. Last week we tackled suspicion, and the secrets for overcoming it . With Thanksgiving in view, we focus this week on gratitude – the solution for grumbling.

A couple years ago, I spotted a glass coffee mug that, on one side said “1/2 empty” and other the other side said “1/2 full.” You could face the appropriate sentiment toward you depending on how much liquid was in the glass or how, I suppose, you felt about life at the moment.

How would you face the mug right now? Go ahead and think about it. I’ll wait.

Even though most of us want to think we’re glass-half-full types, we all grumble and complain more than we know. As one of the seven patterns of negativity and unkindness found in the research for my book The Kindness Challenge, grumbling and complaining are close cousins of the relationship-killer of criticism. The good news is, grumbling has an antidote! And Thanksgiving week seems like a good time to explore it.

It’s gratitude.

In the research of those who did the 30-Day Kindness Challenge, habits of discontentment and dissatisfaction – the horsepower behind much of our complaining – dropped dramatically. When we fill that grumble void with gratitude – especially, as Indiana University researchers found, gratitude that is expressed out loud – our brains actually start to crave more gratitude!

With Thanksgiving upon us, let’s examine common scenarios in three key areas where we can find and express gratitude in ways that might make a difference in our lives and the lives of others.

Holiday get-togethers

Throw a dozen or more people of different political persuasions into close quarters on days when expectations run high – days like Thanksgiving, for example – and, well, what could possibly go wrong?

Lots.

Yet, as you’ll see below, even in these common scenarios, we can look for and see the good in almost anything. We really can.

Grumble: Flights are delayed and everyone’s going to miss the Thanksgiving dinner I’ve been preparing for days.

Gratitude: I’m thankful for family members who love us enough to persevere through long days of travel to get here. Dinner will keep! I can’t wait to hug them!

Grumble: The turkey is dry. I told him we should have used the recipe I found last year. Thanksgiving is ruined!

Gratitude: The gravy is so flavorful this year. It’s the perfect complement to the turkey – and the many side dishes on our table. We truly are blessed with an abundance of food!

Grumble: Everything is so expensive this year. We’ll have to cut corners on the beautiful floral centerpieces we usually purchase.

Gratitude: The collection of people around this table is amazing. You all add so much color and beauty to this holiday dinner and to our lives.

Health concerns

Would you be surprised to learn that a thank-you a day may keep the doctor away? Research out of UC Davis shows that gratitude can lower blood pressure, improve immune function, and lead to better sleep. In fact, people who are grateful (and grateful to God) have between 9 and 13 percent lower levels of the blood marker that may lead to diabetes.

Thus, even if we’re facing very real health concerns, if we stop and find gratitude, we may ward off other or worsening health concerns. The first item in this section is a personal example of a situation that I had to work out myself just last week. (And my health checked out fine, for those who have followed my breast cancer journey!) The other two examples are general health scenarios that many can relate to.

Grumble: I don’t want to have this procedure. Needles hurt! I hate pain and I hate needles.

Gratitude: I’m grateful that this procedure is available to me. The fact that I live in a time where there are tests to check my health is a true blessing.

Grumble: Caregiving is taking its toll. It’s harder for me to get us ready and out the door than it is to simply stay home.

Gratitude: Connecting with family is worth it! And once I get there, I’ll have lots of help – and probably laughter that will be good for my soul.

Grumble: My aching joints limit me from playing in the family flag football game. I feel left out.

Gratitude: God, I thank you for many years of physical activity you’ve given me. Give me a loud voice to cheer for my family today!

Relationships

In a pre-COVID survey conducted by the consumer health information site Healthline, 62% of Americans reported “very or somewhat” elevated levels of stress during the holidays. Unsurprisingly, navigating family dynamics was one of the top stressors.

Here’s how to take common scenarios and flip them on their head:

Grumble: My mother-in-law always storms into the kitchen and tells me what to do. Uncle Harry will probably drink too much again. And that unflattering story about me from childhood? It gets worse every year. I’ve had enough!

Gratitude: God, I am thankful for each person you’ve placed in my extended family, each of whom are carrying their own private burdens. Thank you for the opportunity to demonstrate things that matter so much to you – patience, grace, and above all else, love.

Grumble: The in-laws erupted into a tirade of political opinions last year. I wish they would just drop it.

Gratitude: I’m thankful to live in a country where we can vote our conscience and disagree openly about political positions.

Grumble: Our family argues about the same old, unhealed wounds when we get together. I’d rather just stay home.

Gratitude: God, thank you for the many examples in scripture where long-standing and bitter rifts found healing. Help me look for ways to play a part in healing in my family, too.

These are just a few common scenarios I can think of for how we might choose gratitude over grumbling. What are your ideas and experiences with the game-changer of gratitude? I’d love to read your comments below.

In the meantime, next week – the final week of this three-part Nix the Negativity series – we’ll tackle something none of us ever struggles with because we’re all perfect angels. (That’s a hint. And those of you familiar with chapter 7 of my book The Kindness Challenge may have already guessed the topic. I’ll see you back here next week.)

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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More from Shaunti’s Blog:

Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1)

7 Steps to Keep Defensiveness from Ruining Our Relationships (Part 2)

The post From Grumbling to Grateful! (Nix the Negativity Series, Part 2) appeared first on Shaunti Feldhahn.

Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1)

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Published on November 21, 2023 02:00

Always Suspicious of Your Spouse (or Others)? Here’s What To Do! (Nix the Negativity, Part 1)

This is Part 1 of a three-part series to help us nix the negative patterns that may be damaging our relationships. This week focuses on the solution for an often-subconscious mindset of suspicion. Next week – Thanksgiving week – we’ll look at how to practice gratitude over grumbling. The final week … well, stay tuned. The last one is pretty convicting for almost everyone.

Do you remember the original “Jake from State Farm” commercial? The one where the wife “catches” her husband on the phone at 3 a.m., assumes he’s talking to another woman, and grabs the phone? (You can tell the commercial is dated, because it’s a landline!)

“Who is this?” she demands.

“It’s Jake from State Farm,” her husband mumbles off to the side.

“What are you wearing, ‘Jake from State Farm?’” she sarcastically asks.

“Uhhh … khakis?” Jake answers.

“She sounds hideous,” the wife accuses, covering the phone’s mouthpiece.

“Well, she’s a guy, so …” the husband deadpans.

Most of us find that commercial hilarious because the wife’s suspicion is so over-the-top, and we think we would never do such a thing. And yet … we may do exactly that, in different ways, every day.

Suspicion. We can descend into that spiral with a spouse, friend, or colleague without ever recognizing it. As one of the seven patterns of negativity and unkindness identified in the research for my book The Kindness Challenge, we need to confront four truths about suspicion so it doesn’t derail our relationships.

Truth 1: We all feel suspicion, even if we don’t label it that way

It is easy to label some feelings as suspicion. (“Where were you during lunch, and why did you turn off the tracking on your phone?”) But many feelings are sneakier.

Not long ago I was speaking at a women’s event, and one of the attendees, who I will call Aubrey, told me how much the habit of “believing the best” had helped her marriage. Aubrey, like me, had battled breast cancer a few years before. She described something that happened after one procedure, which woke her up to the need to handle things differently.

She described her husband as “an incredible, thoughtful, guy” – and yet some pretty negative feelings flooded out of her in a vulnerable moment. Feelings that, she didn’t realize, were essentially suspicion. Aubrey routinely had various medical procedures, but this one was unexpectedly painful. That morning, her husband said he would try to be home from work a bit early in order to handle the kids and dinner. She had been looking forward to a little TLC, which she hadn’t mentioned to him. Meanwhile, in his mind, the situation was relatively routine.

So when he called that afternoon and – after asking how she was doing – said he wanted to grab drinks after work with his new boss for a bit of relationship-building, she reacted.

“I instantly started feeling sorry for myself. But again – I didn’t mention that to him. Instead, my brain started working overtime with all sorts of thoughts that were totally undeserved.” She described thoughts like this:

Why wouldn’t he make sure that he was home early tonight of all nights? Doesn’t he care?

He thinks I’m high-maintenance and wants to avoid dealing with me.

He could have drinks with his boss any night. He is thinking about his career more than how much I need him.

I’m assuming most of us can understand those thoughts. But we need to label them for what they are: suspicion. And we need to grapple with what “our” version of those thoughts might be in other settings. For example:

I can’t believe my coworker didn’t invite me to the team meeting. She is trying to push me off this project.

Our pastor keeps saying it is not the right time for me to join the worship team; he just wants to control everything.

My close friend didn’t include me on her beach trip. She obviously doesn’t care about me as much as I care about her.

Truth 2: When we don’t confront the suspicious feelings, we act on them

If we let suspicion go unchallenged, it will come out of our mouths as negativity and unkindness in some way. This can kill friendships, collegial work relationships, and marriages that never had to die.

For example, Aubrey told me that when her husband came home that night, smiling and greeting her and their girls, he had barely been inside for ten seconds when she unloaded on him. “Did you even think to tell your boss that your wife just had a medical procedure? Did you think how much I might need you tonight? No! You are so selfish! You don’t care!”

The smile was immediately wiped from his face, and he was appalled. He apologized many times. But over the next few days she realized he was hurting too. In part because he knew he had failed his wife – and in part because he heard things from her that are hard to un-hear.

We are all human, and we will all have hurt feelings. The key is to confront the beliefs behind the hurt feelings before we act on them.

Truth 3: When it is not challenged, suspicion feeds on itself

My research for The Kindness Challenge showed that a suspicious, negative mindset tends to feed on itself and become worse. We subconsciously go looking for more signals that there is reason to be suspicious – and discount those that demonstrate we might be wrong.

When we suspect our colleague is out to get us, we notice that she also disagreed with us in that big meeting … and that her budget isn’t being cut as much as ours. At the same time, we completely misinterpret why she praised our report to the boss. (“She only said that because she was involved in it.”)

Sadly, suspicions can also become self-fulfilling prophecies. When we get upset with our friend for taking someone else to the beach and assume they are avoiding us, we might act hurt and disappointed over time. Which might make our friend increasingly uncomfortable and bring about the very end we fear. A spouse who endures repeated accusations about wanting to be at work more than home may adopt even later work hours simply to avoid the nightly inquisition – causing the original suspicion to become true even when it didn’t start out that way.

Truth 4: In most cases, there is a more generous explanation – and we need to look for it

When doubts and distrust are unfounded we have to head off our suspicions by looking for a more generous explanation of the person’s behavior.

Now, that said, we also need to ask God for wisdom because sometimes, the sad truth is that suspicions are indeed warranted. In those cases, the message of this blog does not apply. If your spouse has broken trust in your marriage and hasn’t dealt with it, you shouldn’t look for a more generous explanation! Instead, you need resources and actions to restore trust. If your colleague is in fact trying to undermine you, you need allies, and a plan to overcome their traps. If someone you look to for leadership (a pastor, boss, parent) is unhealthy and making you feel bad about yourself, you need wise counsel and boundaries.

But often, our distrust is not warranted. And a willingness to look for a more generous explanation will often yield fruit.

Maybe that co-worker who left you off the meeting invite was working down a list of twenty people and skipped your name in an honest, distracted mistake.

Or that friend who’s leaving you out these days? Maybe your place in her life is firm, and she simply enjoys getting together with other friends too.

What about your spouse’s mysterious and unusual midday time off the grid? Maybe his phone battery died – and he thought about you numerous times, hoping you didn’t need to reach him for anything serious.

Maybe the worship pastor hasn’t added you to the worship team because he knows something he cannot share: He has resigned, and the incoming worship director wants to be the one to consider new people.

Here’s the bottom line: If we don’t get a grip on our suspicions, they’re going to get a grip on us. They’ll impact our marriages, friendships, work relationships, and, ultimately, our most important relationship – the one we have with God. If we consistently expect the worst in others, we are likely to slip into a pattern of believing the worst in Him, too.

Let’s flip the script.

Aubrey later discovered that because her medical procedures had become so routine, and because her husband (contrary to her suspicion) didn’t view her as high maintenance, it literally didn’t occur to him that she might need him more than usual.

It was legitimate for her to have a need for him – and even to be hurt by what happened — but her suspicions about his motives were totally unwarranted.

Let’s improve our mindsets – and our relationships – by challenging our suspicions and seeking more generous explanations instead.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Published on November 14, 2023 02:00

7 Date Night Do’s and Don’ts (Part 2)

This is Part 2 of a two-part series on date night ideas that can help keep your marriage connected, fun, and functioning! See Part 1 for the first three do’s and don’ts.

You want to breathe new life into your marriage, and you know a date night is a great way to do that. But what do you do to make that happen? And perhaps just as important, what do you not do to undermine your efforts? In Part 1, we covered three practical date night do’s and don’ts. In this Part 2, we’ll finish with four more – including several steps that our research has shown are essential for any marriage.

Do: Expand your definition of a “date”

As we mentioned in Part 1, we need to take the pressure off of “date night” planning. Our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Couples found that the key isn’t necessarily an official “date night,” as much as being purposeful about spending time together. For you, that may need to be regular date nights out because you need that accountability. But some of you will find another pattern works better.

As one example, Jeff and I realized years ago that when we were not traveling and speaking, we would much rather spend our precious evenings home with our kids! So our time for connecting became over morning coffee after we got the kids out the door for school. I wrote about this a few years ago, so I won’t revisit it here, other than to say that this routine really works for us. The key is to find what works for you.

Our research discovered that couples who hang out together at least once a week are five times more likely to be “very happy” than couples that don’t. This can be as simple as spending thirty minutes on the couch encouraging each other through life’s current demands.

Don’t: Feel pressured to do a date weekly

I can still remember my then-16-year-old daughter nervously asking me, “Why don’t you and Dad have a date night? My teacher in our Psychology class said it’s really important to do that every week.”

Being purposeful is indeed important. But as my friend Debra Fileta, author of Love in Every Season, guest-blogged here, the concept that you have to have a date night once a week in order to keep your marriage strong can actually be a harmful idea. The pressure can lead to expectations and disappointment. And, in some seasons, schedules are crazy and discretionary dollars are few.

So, if your favorite podcaster or the host of the morning show suggests that a weekly date night is the only gateway to a happy marriage, remember: they’re not in your actual marriage. I’ll put it on repeat: Find the pattern that works for you.

Do: Surprise your spouse once in a while!

This is a key way to keep things fresh: put a note in your phone calendar to surprise your spouse with something enjoyable and unexpected.

In a recent staff meeting, one of my team members said her husband would be stunned if she asked him to shoot hoops. “Pickleball, yes. Basketball? He would fall over.” Everyone on the team kind of raised their eyebrows, as if daring her to do it.

“At least challenge him to a game of H-O-R-S-E,” one of them said.

I hope she does it. A dash of the unpredictable can up the excitement ante in any marriage.

So, wives, if your man likes to watch football, make his team’s next game a big occasion – with team napkins, hotdogs, his favorite chips and dip, TV trays, etc. And guys, if you know she needs a quiet moment away from the chaos, take her to the seating area by the river with stale bread for the ducks and a Bluetooth speaker ready to play some of her favorite music.

In doing these things, you’ll signal to your spouse, “What you like and need matters to me.

Don’t: Roll your eyes if your husband suggests something “unromantic”

Wives, if your husband says, “Wanna go to Home Depot with me?” he’s probably saying, “I want to be with you!” As one man explained during my research for For Women Only, most men don’t want to abandon their wives to go do “guy things.” They want to do these things with their wives. For men, simply being together registers high on their romance radar.

This is another opportunity to expand our definition of what a “date” is! Because if we roll our eyes at the notion of going to the RV showcase downtown or going on a hike, we could miss the sweet realization that our man just wants to be close. For him, that’s romance.

Do: Schedule goal-planning dates

In Part 1 I promised that we would talk about this. One couple I know is very intentional about quarterly “marriage management” dates. Another couple has a pattern where they agree in advance to turn an upcoming date night into a brainstorming session. Whatever you call it, consider finding a time to raise parenting, financial, or intimacy issues that need attention without the other spouse feeling blindsided.

Often these conversations can tease out the feelings underneath these pressure points. For example, during the years that Jeff and I were engrossed in research for Thriving in Love & Money we discovered that our “money issues” aren’t about money, but rather how money makes us feel. In our surveys for Secrets of Sex & Marriage, we likewise discovered that most couples want great intimacy but have misunderstandings about each other.

A date night to troubleshoot any needed issue will only bring you closer, as long as you make a rule that you will both be appreciative and respectful, even where you disagree.

Don’t: Avoid the hard topics

Here’s one way to enter into conversations around sex, money, or whatever is the issue for you: Pick up a copy of a book that has been recommended by someone you trust, and read through the chapters together.

For sex and money, for example, our research findings in each chapter of the books I just mentioned are great jumping off points for conversation. Reading through a book together helps you to be curious, with questions like:

Is this how you feel?Is there something that you really wish I knew?How can I reassure you in this area?

Do: Dream about the future together

Dreaming is really a way of saying, “I want to spend the rest of my life with you.” It tells your spouse that he’s/she’s still the one – and will always be the one. Ask your spouse dreaming questions, such as:

If there wasn’t a limit on anything (kids, finances, time), what would you want to do?What do we want our lives to look like in five years?What’s one trip we want to take?What’s one ministry we’d like devote time to?

Don’t: Critique your spouse’s dreams!

In response to one of the survey questions for Thriving in Love & Money, we found a fascinating dynamic when a husband starts to dream out loud. Consider this scenario, which may, um, have been similar to something that happened in my house a few years ago:

Husband: “When we retire, I would love to move to Maine and open a bed and breakfast.”

Wife: “But the kids are here. And we’ve made so many memories in this house. And we don’t know anyone in Maine! How could you even think that?”

Wives! Try the decaf! He’s not selling the house and moving to Maine tomorrow. As I had to force myself to realize: He’s just blue-sky dreaming and he wants you to join him. Sometimes simply relaxing with a response like, “I never knew that. Tell me why that sounds amazing to you,” reveals something about our spouse that we didn’t know.

And isn’t that true for all of today’s tips? Whether we’re connecting, surprising, talking, or dreaming, a thriving marriage is a constant process of discovery.

So, by all means, plan regular date nights if that’s a routine you enjoy. But, bigger picture, make time to connect, discover, and grow. After all, you never know what you’ll learn about each other during a spirited game of H-O-R-S-E.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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Published on November 07, 2023 02:00

7 Date Night Do’s and Don’ts (Part 1)

Want to keep your marriage fresh and connected? We’ll cover three date night do’s and don’ts this week in Part 1 and four next week in Part 2.

Date night. Have two words ever caused more expectation and pressure for couples? (Well, maybe “sex life,” but we’ll get to that in next week’s part 2!)

Let’s take the pressure off. There is a way to turn date nights into what they are supposed to be: a great time to relax, step away from the routine, and reconnect as a couple. In this two-part series, we’ll show you research-based ways to connect in ways that make sense for you. It is all about knowing how to do that – and how not to.

Do: Focus on small actions rather than grand plans

The foundation for a date night is laid days in advance. And I’m not talking about getting the perfect dinner reservations at the perfect time ahead of the perfect showtime for the perfect movie. Instead, set yourself up for enjoying one another and your time together by purposefully doing simple, little things that speak love, affection, and appreciation to your spouse in the days leading up to the date. (Of course, we can always be doing these things, but sometimes a prompt helps!)

Our research for The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages revealed that some of the impactful “little things” are different for men and women.

For the wives reading this, here are two of the research-based “fantastic five” actions I share in the book that deeply impact most men (72% for both, in our survey):

Notice what he does and sincerely thank him for it. (“Thank you for figuring out how to get our Wi-Fi working faster.”)Mention what he did well, in front of others. (“Mom, did I tell you that he took the kids to their activities all week while I wasn’t feeling well….?”)

For the husbands reading this, here are two of the “fantastic five” things that are likely to deeply impact your wife:

Take her hand when you’re out walking or heading from the car to church (82% of all women are deeply pleased by this).Tell her sincerely, “You look beautiful” (which deeply pleases 76% of all women).

See? simple.

Don’t: Feel pressured to plan “the perfect date”

A happy date doesn’t require huge gestures, hundreds of dollars, or everything working perfectly. The most important factor is to simply do something together (we’ll talk more about that in Part 2), and have a sense of grace and humor for however it turns out.

Jeff and I recently conducted a marriage weekend at a church in the Midwest, which included sharing some of the differences between men and women from For Women Only and For Men Only – including the importance of paying attention to the “little things” that matter to our spouse. No sooner had we left the stage than a man met us at our book table. “It is good to hear that some of the things that matter are actually little and not complicated,” he said, while a group of husbands formed a loose semi-circle and half-listened. “Guys feel so much pressure to plan the perfect candlelight dinner that it paralyzes us.”

The other men nodded.

“We want to get it just right,” one of them chimed in. “When we don’t – when we feel like our wife thought it wasn’t perfect – we feel like a failure.”

Guys, maybe just organize whatever you want to organize … and then take your wife’s hand as you walk into the pizza place. Put your arm around her at the movie. Doesn’t that take the pressure off?

And wives, if something doesn’t quite work, focus on what went right. That’ll give your husband the affirmation to try again, rather than feeling it is too risky.

Do: Set a time limit to talk about the kids

We discuss the toddler’s fever and what to do about preschool. Or the teenagers when they’re navigating a fickle friend group. Or the adult kids when they’re making the same crazy financial decisions we once made.

If we’re not careful, our outings become a tsunami of kid-centered conversation.

Sometimes, of course, we need and want to talk about the kids! But if you’ve noticed that conversation about the kids tends to swallow up your entire evening, here’s a really practical way to make sure it doesn’t.

Set a timer.

Put a limit on how long you talk about your kids, so you can turn your attention to each other, too. When the timer goes off, find non-kid-related things to talk about. What ended up happening with that conflict at work last week? I’d love your advice about a volunteer opportunity. Did your mom get back to you about coming with us on vacation? And by the way … where do we even want to go on vacation?

Don’t: Poke at the things you wish were different in your spouse

Consider date nights a time to get away from the tensions you’ve been juggling and instead pour into and affirm each other. Yes, there is a need to have purposeful conversations on certain date nights. And we’ll talk in Part 2 about setting time aside to troubleshoot areas where your finances, sex life, or parenting approaches might be out of sync – and how to do that in a healthy way. But unless this particular date night is a “troubleshooting” time, be purposeful about not poking at those things.

Instead, brainstorm that vacation, listen to live music in the park, or share a booth at the local pizza joint and watch the big game. If you nurture each other as friends, you’ll find it’s much, much easier to later tackle the hard topics without the defensiveness that can creep in with criticism.

Do: Let go of control of the kids

Sometimes, when our kids are young, we (especially moms) have a hard time letting go of our “mom worries” enough to enjoy being a wife for an evening. But if we don’t practice doing that, we can start down a dangerous path. I hear from men at speaking events around the country who say almost the same phrase: “Since we had kids, I feel like I’ve lost my wife.”

If our children become our entire world, what message does this convey to the man we married?

So trade babysitting with a trusted couple friend. Leave the kids with family. And as the kids get older, give them a little freedom with this practical idea: Go on some test-run dates when your kids are old enough to be home alone. You can grab a short window of time away, and the kids can show you they’re responsible. Win-win.

Don’t: Let your thoughts and fears become a runaway train

For some of us, no sooner do we leave the house than our thoughts about the kids sabotage our evening.

Will my parents let the kids eat candy all night?Is the sitter showing them an R-rated movie?What if they don’t get their homework done? Or take their medicine? Or survive without me for three whole hours?

Of course it’s important to place our kids in the care of trustworthy caregivers. But if we slip into the belief that our kids will never be safe with anyone but us, we miss the bigger picture of the safety and closeness of our marriage. And for those of us who are people of faith, we miss the even more important factor of trusting God with our kids.

Join us back here next time for Part 2, where we’ll talk about connecting as couples, surprising our spouses, scheduling time for “marriage maintenance,” and not forgetting to dream.

This article was also published at Patheos.

Order Shaunti’s NEW Book Secrets of Sex & Marriage.

Check out the online courses of Shaunti’s research and teachings at SurprisingHope.com.

Do you want Shaunti to share these life-changing truths at your church or event? Send us a speaking inquiry request today!

Please note: This post may contain affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate we earn a small amount from qualifying purchases through these affiliate links. This doesn’t cost you anything, and helps us continue bringing you great content!

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