Amy Julia Becker's Blog, page 49

Family Dinner Questions

I’m always on the lookout for good table questions for family dinners. Recently, we asked:

“What’s one area of your life that feels easy right now?” “What’s one area that feels challenging?”

Everyone shared, including Peter and me. I loved this set of questions because it gave us each a chance to talk about something that is going well for us without feeling like we are boasting. It gave us a chance to admit something that’s hard, knowing that everyone else was going to be sharing something from their own vulnerable place.

It gave Peter and me a little window into our kids’ views of themselves. It showed our kids that their parents struggle. It showed them that we aren’t afraid to admit challenges. 

Our areas of ease and challenge are different, but we all have them. This one little question brought us together with a glimpse of our particular stories and our shared humanity.

More with Amy Julia:

Two-Word Family Check-In3 Questions We Asked That Really Helped Our Marriage

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Overcoming My Skepticism About Night to Shine

I felt pretty skeptical about Night to Shine. 

If you aren’t familiar with this event, it’s an annual gathering for teenagers (and adults) with disabilities, hosted by churches, and sponsored by the Tim Tebow Foundation. Adolescents gather for some combination of having their hair and makeup done, riding in a limousine, walking a red carpet, and attending a prom. 

I registered Penny. And then I unregistered her. We didn’t go because she’s in the midst of cheerleading season and her nights are full. And we didn’t go because we were celebrating Marilee’s birthday. And we didn’t go because Night to Shine was over an hour away and it all just felt like too much.

Skeptical of Night to Shine

But we also didn’t go because I was skeptical. I worried that Penny would be objectified, that the whole experience would be an example of “inspiration porn” (which I wrote about a few weeks back). I worried that in celebrating people with disabilities for one night, the volunteers and host churches would think they had done their duty for the year and would forget them.

And I worried that Penny and the other attendees would be treated as a project in need of someone ministering to them, rather than as humans with the capacity to have a ministry of their own.

“Shoulders Down” Spaces

And then I heard from multiple friends and saw images and stories online of just how wonderful the night was. I remembered Heather Avis’ words that those of us in the world of disability need spaces that are “shoulders down,” spaces where we aren’t on the alert for being ignored or mistreated. In a world that so often refuses to welcome and honor the full humanity of people with disabilities, what could be better than a night devoted to centering and celebrating the people who are so often overlooked and maligned?

I wish we lived in a world in which an event like Night to Shine was not needed. I want to live in a world where the slow, daily work of cultivating relationships with all people is expected, especially within churches. I’m also grateful we live in a world where some people are making a tremendous effort to support, value, care for, and love people like our daughter. 

(Next year, cheerleading may get in the way of Night to Shine again. After that, we’re in.)

More with Amy Julia:

False Message: Disability is a problem to be fixed.False Message: Disability is a tragedy to be alleviated.False Message: Disability is a joke to be laughed at.False Message: Disability is an inspiration.

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform.   

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What Is a Disabled Life Worth?

What is a disabled life worth? Every so often, people accidentally say the thing out loud. In this case, it was the Democratic Committee Chair for a city in Massachusetts. He was arguing against allowing a crisis pregnancy center to come to the city, and he explains why: 

“Our fear is that if an unqualified sonographer misdiagnoses a heart defect, an organ defect, spina bifida, that becomes a very local issue because our school budget will have to absorb the cost of a child in special education, supplying lots and lots of special services to children, who were born with the defect.”

In other words, he assumes that women will choose abortion if they have a prenatal diagnosis of any of these conditions. And he is fearful that if they don’t choose abortion, it will cost taxpayers a lot of money.

Ironically, he began his remarks with this statement: “our mission in is to work for the common good by promoting racial, ethnic, social, and economic equality for the people of Framingham.”

In the name of the common good and equality, he advocated against the births of babies with prenatal diagnoses that could result in various disabilities. Welcoming those children into the community would cost too much.

What is a disabled life worth?

The good news is that there has been an outcry—by Democrats and Republicans alike—against his words. 

The bad news is that many of us operate with a functional attitude toward other humans in which we do consider their worth based on how much it will cost society to care for them. 

The truth is that it costs a lot to be a human being surrounded by other humans. The truth is that all of us are burdens and gifts to one another. The truth is that welcoming babies of all sorts into the world asks a lot of us all.

And the truth is that welcoming all of us is worth it.

More with Amy Julia:

Acknowledging the Harm Inherent Within the Abortion DebatesThe Ambiguities of AbortionAbortion and People With DisabilitiesFalse Message: Disability is an inspiration.

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform.   

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Some Thoughts on Down Syndrome and Cheerleading

One of my shining moments as a mother was forcing Penny to try out for cheerleading last year. I told her she didn’t have to participate if she made it, but she was required to try out. Then she made the team and loved every minute of every practice and game.

This year, she knew from the get-go that she wanted a spot on the team. She’s all in. Ready for practice in the morning. Clear on the schedule, even when it includes staying at school for 6 hours. 

She’s leading sideline cheers. She’s standing in the front for halftime routines. She’s learning and growing and contributing. 

And here’s the thing. The reason I even thought to make her try out for cheerleading is that five years ago, an older student with Down syndrome was also on the team. Her presence there helped to shape my imagination. She gave us a glimpse of what might be possible for Penny. 

That’s one reason why we have shared our story as a family for 17 years. We need our imaginations to be shaped and formed by the real stories of real people who are living lives and growing up and suffering through hardship and disappointment and celebrating friendships and possibilities. I’m so grateful for all the real people who have gone before us and given us a glimpse of what might be.

More with Amy Julia:

Book: A Good and Perfect Gift: Faith, Expectations, and a Little Girl Named Penny Free Resource:  Missing Out on Beautiful: Growing Up With a Child With Down Syndrome On Pointe, Step by Determined StepSkiing, Disability, and Love

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform.   

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3 Questions We Asked That Really Helped Our Marriage

Peter and I weathered a storm last year. It wasn’t one particular thing. It was years of being too busy to bring up the little things, and too tired to talk about our feelings, and too afraid of hurting or offending each other to bring up the hard topics. It all finally erupted last December. 

I’m not going to share more details of the things we were fighting about or the hurts we inflicted upon one another, but I will say that part of our process of repair was asking each other questions. (I will also add that we asked these via email. It was only once we had each seen the responses and had time to pray and think and process them individually that we were ready to talk about it all face to face again.) 

Questions That Helped Our Marriage

For any of you who are in a rough spot because of layers of built-up hurt or misunderstanding, here are three questions that might help: 

How can I love you better? If you could get me to understand something that I don’t seem to understand, what would that be? What do you need that you aren’t getting right now? 

Asking those questions, and receiving the answers, opened up a new level of trust between us. We saw how we had hurt each other. We saw how we had operated out of our own insecurities and fears. We saw how we had withheld emotions and direct communication in the name of efficiency or even in the name of compassion. 

Love, Trust, and Honest Conversation

It was as if a pile of little twigs, all the little insecurities, all the little things-not-said, built up for years and eventually became a dam that blocked the flow of communication altogether. Those questions broke through the dam and allowed love and trust and honest conversation to flow again. 

So this Valentine’s Day, enjoy whatever celebration you have planned. (Or not. We don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, but we are big fans of a weekly date night.) But if you’re in a wounded place right now, you can also ask for a time of intentional repair in the near future. And maybe these questions will be the beginning of your healing too. 

More with Amy Julia:

The Most Important Thing We Do as a Married CoupleGod Enters Into the Messiness of a Broken WorldTwo-Word Family Check-In

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Two Resources for the Season of Lent

Two Resources for the Season of Lent: 1. Devotional Guide // 2. Small Group Discussion Series

For those of you who pay attention to the church calendar, Lent is about to arrive. Lent is a time of preparation for the Christian observance of Holy Week—the week that Jesus died—that culminates in Easter Sunday. Lent is a time for self-reflection and collective reflection that leads toward transformation. It is a time for slowing down. It is an invitation to pay attention to pain, ask for help, and participate in healing. 

If you are getting ready for Lent, personally or as a group, I want to let you know about two resources that might serve you individually or your community during this season:

Lenten Devotional Guide

One, I’ve written a daily devotional guide through the season of Lent. Each day holds a verse from the Bible accompanied by a short reflection. Each week contains a theme, with questions for reflection that can be used individually or in groups.

You can order On The Way: Walking With Jesus Through the Season of Lent here (or preview an excerpt here ).Lenten Discussion Series for Small Groups

Two, I’ve put together an 8-week discussion series for small groups to use during Lent. This FREE resource includes a short video teaching from me for each week as well as questions for conversation from a Bible passage and accompanying chapters in To Be Made Well. This study walks participants through the movements of healing personally and as communities. 

You can find the guide and the videos here .Join the Community

I already know of multiple churches across the country that will be using these resources throughout this season. I hope you’ll also find one of these resources helpful in your own experience of Lent this year.

More with Amy Julia:

Lenten Devotional GuideLenten Small Group Discussion Series

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform.   

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My Personal Ski Adventure

So I told you the story of Penny skiing and how it showed me yet again what love and community and belonging—even within a family—can look like.

But I learned something else on that ski trip too. 

As I mentioned before, I have not been skiing in over twenty years. And I wasn’t exactly proficient back then. It was more of an every-three-years-for-a-few-hours thing. I’m middle-aged now. I don’t need or seek out thrills. I flinch from the cold.

I spent most of the previous week thinking of all the reasons I shouldn’t ski. I just had oral surgery and hoped the dentist would say I couldn’t go. The car ride took so long and it was so cold. 

But then we got there and Penny was going out, so I pulled on my battery-powered heated gloves (best Christmas present ever) and seventeen layers of clothing and joined my ski instructor and hoped I wouldn’t fall while trying to get on or off the chairlift.

The first run, on the bunny slope, felt scary and risky and just on the edge of out-of-control. The second and third were kind of fun. Then my instructor took me up the mountain. It was surprisingly exhilarating and beautiful. 

It was a good reminder to me that I don’t always know what I want. I only got out there because I felt like I had to set a good example for Penny and because I had promised Marilee and William and I didn’t want to disappoint them. 

But then I ended up filled with joy and a sense of accomplishment and connection. 

If I gauge all my decisions by what I think I want, I will retreat and stay safe, socially and physically. This weekend was such a good reminder to override my own desires sometimes. To decide instead to connect with my family, to push my body, to get outside even when it’s cold, to walk the path of risk-taking love. 

More with Amy Julia:

S6 E7 | The Cost of Control with Sharon Hodde Miller2 Intentions for 2023

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform.   

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Skiing, Disability, and Love

So here’s a sentence I didn’t think I would ever type: we went skiing as a family. 

I have not been skiing in over twenty years. And then there’s Penny. In a body with low muscle tone and slower-than-average reflexes, she has never had any desire to ski. She didn’t even own snow pants. (Thus the tie-dyed end-of-the-season pair!) 

But. Peter and Marilee and William love it. So we decided it was time for Penny and me to at least give it a try.

We picked the coldest day of the winter pretty much ever. (I’m hardly exaggerating—the wind chill on Mount Washington was -109. Who even knew that was a thing?!?) On the car ride up, I reminded Penny of all the reasons that she would be able to do it even though it felt scary and new: She has great body awareness from physical therapy. She is a great listener who follows instructions. She has good balance from years of ballet. 

What I didn’t tell her was that I shared her fear and doubt. 

But then we got there and we rented the skis and the boots and met the adaptive ski instructor. Penny came in an hour later saying that she was sore. The next morning she said she felt sick. We nodded sympathetically and helped her put on the snow clothes and sent her back out. 

We took shifts staying near her on the beginner’s part of the mountain. Marilee and William were totally willing to hang back and cheer for their sister. By the end, William was riding the chair lift with Penny and her instructor and they were all singing together. 

And then, there she was. Skiing. By herself.

The skiing is not the point. This isn’t so much a story of overcoming odds or Penny’s individual perseverance. It’s about how our kids wanted Penny to be with them in something they love, in whatever way possible for her. About how her ski instructor saw her not in terms of deficits but in terms of assets. About how slowing down on a mountain and walking side by side in ski boots and singing on a chairlift can all be expressions of the patient, gentle, lifegiving-to-all-of-us, way of love that leads to possibility. And, skiing. 

More with Amy Julia:

When One Child Needs More Attention3 Pieces of Advice for Parents of a Child With Down SyndromeBook: A Good and Perfect Gift: Faith, Expectations, and a Little Girl Named Penny Free Resource:  Missing Out on Beautiful: Growing Up With a Child With Down Syndrome

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform.   

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The Power of Saying Thank You

One way to make your day better today: say thank you. 

One way to make another person’s day better today: say thank you.

It’s one of those tiny habits that can make a tremendous difference. I remember the first time I went out of my way to say thank you after a team of educators cared really well for Penny. She was probably five years old, and we were pretty new to this whole Individualized Education Plan (IEP) thing. 

They were so kind. They clearly wanted to support her in learning and growing. And I had heard so many horror stories about these meetings and how we would need to fight for her rights and instead they seemed to be anticipating her needs before we even knew them. 

So I asked for the number of their supervisor, and I called her. I guess most parents who are calling the supervisor are calling with a complaint. So she was totally shocked when all I wanted to do was to say thank you for the competence and kindness of the staff on her team. 

I don’t do it nearly as often as I could, but I learned in that moment that saying thank you flooded me with a sense of how important it is to notice the gifts of this life. And I’m pretty sure it made her day better too. 

Say Thank You

So, say thank you to the teacher who did such a good job today that your kid came home and gushed about the tadpoles or the art project or the conversation about justice.

Or say thank you to the pastor who came to watch your son play soccer.

Or say thank you to the family member who gave you a reason to smile.

Or say thank you to the woman behind the counter who rang up your groceries.

There’s a whole lot of hurt and hardship out there. And a whole lot of goodness too. 

More with Amy Julia:

The IEP Meeting Every Child With a Disability DeservesDevelop Your Spirituality by Starting SmallWhat Did You Experience in 2020?

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform.   

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Is John 5 Ableist?

I’m grateful for questions from readers, and here’s a question asking how to teach John 5 in a way that isn’t ableist:

Question: Is John 5 ableist? How do I teach a different narrative to VBS students?

I’m wondering if you might be able to point me in the direction of some resources about the healing of the man at the pool of Bethesda. (In John ch 5). I’m working on summer VBS curriculum, and so much of the prevailing narrative is about the man being “lazy” or “full of excuses,” and I think this is both contributed to and contributes to society’s ableist attitudes. I’m hoping to bring a different understanding to my students—I want them to see that this man persevered, waiting decades for his opportunity, and even when he was beaten out to the waters, he remained. And most importantly, he recognized Jesus’ authority.

My Response:

First of all, I think you are so right to be pushing back against the narrative that this man was lazy or making excuses. If those things are present at all (and there’s good reason to suggest they aren’t), they don’t seem to bother Jesus. And the man does indeed listen and respond by participating in Jesus’ healing work when he picks up his mat and walks. So I think you are identifying the right problems and offering good points to draw out a different way to see this text. 

(As a somewhat long aside, what does it say about the people writing the curriculum that they assume laziness? So much of disability work these days is about focusing on strengths and assets rather than deficits and reframing stories in a way the highlights those strengths. What if we saw this man as a man with incredible perseverance? Even if he was hoping in healing from a source that couldn’t heal him the way that Jesus could, maybe we can see him as a model of what it looks like to have hope?)

Second, I think another thing to draw out in this story is that Jesus is on his way to a celebration in the temple and he decides to go visit all the “invalids.” Jesus wanted to spend his holiday with the people in need of healing. Let’s just say that’s not where most of us spend our time on Thanksgiving or Easter. So Jesus sees this man as someone he wants to be near, and as you said, this man responded to Jesus with faith. I love the thought of VBS kids getting this type of understanding of both the man and Jesus!

More with Amy Julia:

False Message: Disability is an inspiration.Free Resource: Books About Disability and TheologyFinding Places Where Everyone Belongs

If you haven’t already, you can subscribe to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on Facebook , Instagram , Twitter , Pinterest , YouTube , and Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my Love Is Stronger Than Fear podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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