Amy Julia Becker's Blog, page 42

The Vulnerable Power of Ted Lasso

Last week’s episode of Ted Lasso was really good (spoiler alert). Yes, it was funny and clever and involved men running around and kicking a ball and crass remarks and all the inane and beautiful things long-time viewers have come to expect. 

But this episode was also a meditation on the power of vulnerability.

The short plot summary is that the team finds out that their teammate Colin is gay. The significance of the episode doesn’t come from that revelation, but rather from the way his coaches and teammates respond.  

When Coach Lasso talks to the team about why they DO care that Colin is gay (not because of any stigma attached but because they want to support him), he shares his own story of a time when he failed a friend and left him alone. There is no scolding or sermonizing here. Just an appeal to see each other, to stand with and care for one another.

Later, when Roy Kent silences a noisy press conference who want to know why the team captain accosted a rude fan, he too shares a personal story of his own failure as a friend. 

I could say this episode is about sexual identity, or about friendship, or about compassion, or about the importance of dealing with our emotions rather than allowing them to burst out of us in angry tirades—and all of that would be true. But more significantly, it’s about the power of vulnerability. As I’ve written before, to be vulnerable literally means we are able to be wounded. But it also means we are open to give and receive love. 

Love is a very different power than anger or fear or shame. As the Apostle Paul writes, love “always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres” (1 Cor 13:7). Roy’s story protects Isaac. Ted’s story protects Colin. When one person makes himself vulnerable, that same vulnerability becomes a means of protection for others. Anger, fear, and shame are all ways to try to protect ourselves. Love is the way to protect one another. Thanks, Ted Lasso, for showing us how.

More with Amy Julia:

Vulnerable HumanityThe False Self is Fragile. The True Self is Vulnerable.S5 E1 | How Disability Taught Me the Goodness of Vulnerability with Heather Lanier

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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The Power of Typical High School Kids

“Do you want to eat lunch with us?”

Those might be the most powerful words in the vocabulary of high school.

I had a chance to meet with a group of students in a bioethics class at a high school in New York City last week. We were talking about abortion, prenatal testing, and disability. I told them our story and offered some thoughts on ethics and politics and health care. They asked questions about the value of human lives and misperceptions of disability. One of the final questions was, “How can we help support people with disabilities?”

I don’t know what they expected me to say. I could have suggested policy measures. I could have talked about advocacy work. But instead I talked about friendship. 

Most typical high school kids have an opportunity to influence the lives of kids on the margins simply through expressions of kindness and welcome and friendship. They don’t need to brush up on the intricacies of the Americans with Disabilities Act. They don’t need to write a report on chromosomal differences. They just need to spend their own social capital on befriending the ones who often have very few friends. They just need to invite them to sit at the lunch table, hang out after school, share stories. 

I wonder what it would be like for typical kids if they were ever asked to reflect on their social lives. If they were asked to consider whether they’ve moved outside of their comfort zone socially. If they were asked to eat lunch with one new person. If they were even assessed every so often on kindness in addition to all the other measures of their performance in school. 

The simplest way for those of us in typical bodies and minds to support the people with disabilities in our midst is by becoming one another’s friends.

More with Amy Julia:

The Significance of Our Social WorldsBook: A Good and Perfect Gift: Faith, Expectations, and a Little Girl Named Penny Free Resource:  Missing Out on Beautiful: Growing Up With a Child With Down Syndrome

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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When We Talk for 20 Minutes

Here’s what happens on a sunny afternoon when I insist on Marilee taking twenty minutes to talk with me about her day. She tries on some dresses for upcoming events. We end up lying on the bed chatting about school and friends and soccer. We watch videos from her recent track meets. I take selfies and she covers her face. Then we make funny faces for the camera that she does not want me to share with the internet. And then we smile.

More with Amy Julia:

Small Talk: Learning from my children about what matters mostThe Significance of Our Social WorldsFamily Hikes Are Like Family Itself

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Falling Off the May Treadmill

Before the Boston Marathon last month, I saw a video of people running on a treadmill at a marathon-winning pace. They would sprint for a minute or so and then trip, fall, and ride the treadmill to a gymnastics mat that was strategically placed to catch them. You can see the video here.

May’s Treadmill

May can be like sprinting on this treadmill. It doesn’t ever feel like you’re making much progress. And yet it also feels like if you let up for just a second, you might lose your footing and fall to the floor.

I’ve been using this treadmill analogy to describe my life as we prepare for our upcoming move amidst the typical end-of-the-school-year track meets, dance performances, school concerts, spring parties, graduations, and weddings. But my life doesn’t need to be a sprint, even when there are a whole lot of things to do. 

I’ve spent the past few months reading and learning about Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount. I’m struck by the way Jesus articulates a different way to live. It’s a way of openness and a way of blessing. It’s a way that assumes love is the foundation of all reality. A way that assumes there is more than enough, abundantly more. 

Jesus had a lot to do in his short time on this earth. And, as far as we know, he never sprinted anywhere. I want to walk through this life with him and at his pace.

Making my way along this path without sprinting and falling down means paying attention to all the signals that there is too much. It might mean saying no to some social engagements or being “good enough” even when I want an A+. For me, it means sitting quietly every morning with my hands open, willing to receive the day ahead without striving and pushing and contorting myself. It means pausing throughout the day—when I feel my heart rate increasing, my eye twitching with anticipation of all that I need to do—pausing to breathe and slow down and invite God’s peace into my body. 

We are invited not to sprint on the treadmill of productivity but to walk the way of grace and love and abundance.

More with Amy Julia:

Awakened Attention and Achievement AttentionMaking Hard Decisions With Love, Not FearS5 E22 | Disability and the Speed of Love with Dr. John Swinton

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Our Daughter Doesn’t “Just Happen” to Have Down Syndrome

I used to describe Penny as a girl with light brown hair and big green eyes, who loved reading and dancing. And then I would write something along the lines of, “Oh, and she happens to have Down syndrome.”

The sentiment behind my words was a good one. I wanted people to see her, not stereotypes related to her condition. I wanted to emphasize the truth that she exudes particularity. She is her own person and she is not the same as anyone else with or without Down syndrome. I wanted to honor her.

Our Daughter Doesn’t “Just Happen” to Have Down Syndrome

But she doesn’t just happen to have Down syndrome. Down syndrome is a condition caused by the presence of a third copy of the 21st chromosome in every cell of Penny’s body. That distinction affects her in all sorts of ways. 

Some of the ways it affects her are hard: she needed a heart procedure when she was 14 months old and tubes in her ears 5 times over. Some are inconvenient: she’s only 4’6” tall and it is hard to find glasses that fit her narrow nose bridge and she’s lived with various minor sensory processing issues throughout her life. Some are fun: she loves the flexibility that comes with lower muscle tone and still shows off her ability to do the splits whenever she can. 

Some are beautiful: She accepts other people for who they are. She can’t hold a grudge. She forgives readily. She laughs at herself easily. And I know all of those things can’t be attributed directly to having Down syndrome, and yet they also connect her to other people with trisomy 21 who bring unusual gifts of love and kindness to their families and friends. 

So I would no longer say that Penny just happens to have Down syndrome. I would say having Down syndrome is intrinsic to who she is. And that truth is hard, inconvenient, fun, and often quite beautiful.

More with Amy Julia:

Book: A Good and Perfect Gift: Faith, Expectations, and a Little Girl Named Penny Free Resource:  Missing Out on Beautiful: Growing Up With a Child With Down Syndrome Inclusion vs the Real World

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Once Upon a Time With the Evangelicals

I used to call myself an evangelical Christian. It was supposed to be a welcoming term, a term that spread across denominations and included people from all walks of life. 

The word evangelical came from the Greek euangelion, good news. Evangelicals were the ones who wanted to bring the good news of Jesus’ way of love and blessing, the good news of forgiveness and reconciliation and new life, the good news that life with God is accessible and available here and now for one and all. 

I’m saddened by reports like Jonathan Merritt’s, in a review of a new book on the topic, that point to the way evangelicalism has become more and more narrowly defined. Merritt writes,

“Once upon a time, evangelicalism made room for vibrant constituencies including feminists, progressives, Black people and even queer people who shared a born-again experience, held the Bible in high regard and hoped to convert the world with the Christian gospel.” 

But evangelicalism in America became associated with conservative, and then white nationalist, politics. People like me—who have moderate political views and see good reasons why Christians might disagree with one another about any number of political issues—didn’t fit within evangelicalism anymore. 

I’m now starting to call myself a Christian humanist, as explained in this conversation between David Brooks and Luke Bretherton. Bretherton says Christian humanism finds our humanity in the humanity of Jesus and seeks to live out of that place:

“[Christian humanism] puts front and centre a movement into the place of suffering, oppression, and weakness, not a movement above and beyond it. Because that is the place where Jesus shows up. That is the place you really get to discover both who Jesus is and what human flourishing is.”

Christian humanism spans denominational and political dividing lines. It points us towards a shared and diverse humanity that centers on the story of Jesus, who came and lived and taught and died and rose again. It brings us back to the good news.

More with Amy Julia:

The Blessings of a Small ChurchI’m a Denominational MuttS4 E5 | Healing the Harm of White Evangelicalism with Kristin Du Mez

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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3 Things I’m Grateful For

3 things I’m grateful for…

Penny’s desire to attend every sporting event her siblings ever have so that she can cheer them onThe fun Marilee and William are both having on their track teams this springFlowers and sunlight even on a chilly spring day

What are you grateful for today?

More with Amy Julia:

Awakened Attention and Achievement Attention7 Things I’m Loving Right NowFriday Favorites and AJB Recommends

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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America’s Chronic Pain Problem

What if your individual experience of pain is connected to a wider and deeper collective wounding? Is this connected to America’s chronic pain problem?

Nicholas Kristof wrote an essay about the relationship between our economic and social woes and the rise in rates of chronic pain. He writes,

“In other wealthy countries, it’s the elderly who report the most chronic pain, which makes some sense. But in the United States it’s the middle-aged — especially the jobless and people like Wert, who did not graduate from high school — who suffer the most. It is a plague on the less educated.”

Anecdotally, I know plenty of highly educated people who are also experiencing chronic pain, and they too might find themselves in the phenomenon Kristof describes. Pain is not a solitary physiological sensation but a multi-faceted reality that expresses itself in response to our psyches, our spirits, and our communities. 

On a personal level, there are ways to address chronic pain, starting with getting more sleep and exercise and continuing with physical therapy, acupuncture, yoga, therapy, and meditation, according to Dr. Daniel Clauw, director of the Chronic Pain and Fatigue Research Center at the University of Michigan.

But Kristof underscores the point that this epidemic of chronic pain in America is as much a collective social problem as it is an individualized one:

“Maybe the brain’s pain alarm system is trying to tell us about how America heals: To ease our chronic pain, we must do better at addressing deeper wounds in our economy and society.”

As I write in To Be Made Well, healing is for each of us and for all of us. The healing offered through Jesus goes beyond the healing of surgery and pain pills. It is the healing that comes to us as individuals and as a society, to each of us and to all of us. It is a way of honesty, humility, and hope that leads to personal and collective healing. 

For more, see my free resource: MOVEMENTS OF HEALING: Honesty. Humility. Hope.

More with Amy Julia:

S6 E11 | Chronic Pain’s Untold Story with Dr. Haider WarraichWhen Pain RemainsS4 E2 | Where Is God When the Pain Won’t Stop? with Liuan Huska

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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The Significance of Our Social Worlds

I’m taking a class right now where I’m learning all sorts of things about transitioning from high school to college or the workforce and beyond. Recently, our instructor mentioned that providing our children access to relationships is pretty much the most important thing we can do for them. 

Many people with disabilities have two groups of people with whom they spend time: parents and paid professionals. 

It made me wonder, looking back, whether saying yes to the birthday party was more important than making sure we got through the exercises on a therapy plan. It made me wonder whether showing up for PTO meetings and connecting with friends in the evening and sitting in the local coffee shop and saying hello to people matters even more than advocacy. 

It also makes me grateful for very simple afternoons like the one pictured above, where families from our church gathered to pick up trash on Earth Day. I needed to take Marilee to an event for school, so Penny spent the afternoon with other kids and adults from our church community. 

The Significance of Our Social Worlds

What if our relationships matter more than anything else? For parents of kids with disabilities, what if the most important thing we can offer is connection to other people? For parents of typical kids, what if the best way to support people with disabilities is through the simple gift of relationship? 

Most of us aren’t changing disability policy. Most of us don’t know how to offer physical therapy or speech therapy or medical advice. But most of us know how to show up for other people. Most of us know how to laugh and cry together. Most of us know how to build friendships. What if that’s the most important thing? 

More with Amy Julia:

Inclusion vs the Real WorldWhat Do I Think About the Barbie With Down Syndrome?Some People Are Awesome

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Awakened Attention and Achievement Attention

It’s getting harder for me to set goals. 

I used to look ahead and plot out the course for how to achieve the next big thing, whether that was running a half marathon or increasing the number of social media followers or writing a book. Many of my goals went unmet, especially when it came to metrics. So maybe I’ve stopped setting BHAGs (big hairy audacious goals) because I am afraid of failure or unwilling to put in the effort. 

But I don’t think that’s it.

When I read Dr. Lisa Miller’s book, The Awakened Brain, I was struck by the distinction she makes between “achievement attention” and “awakened attention.” Achievement attention is the type of attention that sets goals: I see what I want and I structure my time towards that end. Awakened attention is the type of attention that arises from attending to people, to nature, and to the life of the spirit. Achievement attention leads to spreadsheets and to-do lists and plans. Awakened attention leads to stillness and silence and solitude. 

Dr. Miller writes about the necessity of both types of attention. And she writes about how we have lost the capacity for awakened attention in our modern era. 

She made me wonder whether the reason I am setting fewer “SMART” goals (specific, measurable, achievable, and some other acronym-worthy things) is that I’m paying fuller attention to the work of the Spirit. 

I’m honestly more interested these days in walking the uncertain path of beauty and wonder and connection than I am in speeding down the highway of getting things done. 

More with Amy Julia:

Addressing our Mental Health CrisisDevelop Your Spirituality by Starting SmallMeritocracy Is the Antithesis to Love | Plough Essay

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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