Amy Julia Becker's Blog, page 39

Happy 4th of July

Happy 4th of July!

We’ve entered that phase of family life where we aren’t even all together on holidays anymore. Right now, Penny is at Camp PALS and Marilee heads out for soccer camp tomorrow and William has been working this weekend. No one is dressing up with stars and stripes or insisting on cheering at the parade. But we still gathered with family on the town green right and listened to a local orchestra and thanked the women and men who have served our country. We still celebrate the fact of our freedom and the still-to-be-realized possibilities for liberty and justice for all. 

More with Amy Julia:

S6 E22 | Why Stories of Hope Subvert Racism with John BlakeS6 E19 | Deconstruction and Rebuilding with Yolanda PierceS6 E18 | Join the Work of Justice with Michelle Ferrigno Warren

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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What Breaking a Record Has To Do With Responsive Parenting

I love stories that remind me of the power of building on strengths rather than focusing on deficits.

In disability circles, it’s really easy to pay attention to what our children aren’t doing, the milestones they’ve missed, and the opportunities they won’t have.

Honestly, in human circles, it’s also easy to get stuck in our awareness of flaws and lack and regret.

Many years ago, Peter and I learned about the concept of responsive parenting. We were encouraged to emphasize Penny’s strengths and interests rather than trying to force her to develop areas of weakness. She would learn and grow more if we focused on those areas. So for us, Penny’s love for reading was a way to help her develop fine motor skills (turning the pages of books), speech and language skills (reading out loud, playing word games), and, as she got older, a way to help her develop social skills by reading stories with realistic characters experiencing the trials and tribulations of school. 

I recently read a story of a boy with autism who broke the world record for solving a Rubik’s Cube. That’s cool in and of itself, but what I loved most was how his dad mentioned that they started working on the Rubik’s Cube in order to take something he would be interested in and develop his fine motor skills. Then, the story also notes:

“Though the achievements have been notable, Schwan Park [dad] said speed cubing has helped his son learn to socialize, make friends and expand his horizons.”

One of the best things we can do for our kids is to notice what they already care about, to build on areas where they already experience some measure of competence, and to celebrate their passions and strengths. 

More with Amy Julia:

Responsive ParentingThe Dignity of RiskMissing Out on Beautiful essays

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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There Can Never Be Too Much Delight

Marilee and I were driving to soccer practice the other day (alternating between the Taylor Swift Eras Tour setlist and The Good Girl’s Guide to Murder audiobook), when she said, “Oh, Mom, I forgot to tell you!”

I paused the book. She went on to describe the seating arrangement at an upcoming party. It was nothing monumental, but I felt this overwhelming sensation of delight. Delight in who she is. Delight that she wanted to share this little detail of her life. Delight in the excitement she felt about this upcoming event. Her joy is my joy, even in the littlest things. 

It made me think about the idea that God delights in us. That God takes great joy in knowing what we care about. That God feels pleasure when we get excited. My mind went to the declaration in Zephaniah:

“The Lord your God is in your midst, a warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you. He will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing” (Zephaniah 3:17). 

I read a book a few years ago called The Six Needs of Every Child. (I highly recommend it.) For each of the six needs, there are ways that parents can overdo it or underdo it. We can be overly protective or not protect our kids enough. We can give too much comfort or too little. Etc. But a friend pointed out to me recently that the only one of these six needs that we cannot overdo is delight. Our children need to know that we delight in them. And we cannot delight too much in our children. 

We need to know that God delights in us. And God cannot delight too much in us. 

(For some thoughts on how to experience God’s delight, you might try these practices that help us receive God’s love.)

More with Amy Julia:

When God Looks at Us with LoveSeason 4 of Love Is Stronger Than Fear: Head, Heart, HandsWays to Participate in Racial Healing

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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No One Is Excluded | Life to the Full

America is supposed to be a “melting pot” or a “salad bowl” in which lots of different types of people live together and intermingle. Still, many of us live within homogeneous groupings. Like kids in the cafeteria, we gravitate toward people of similar ethnic/racial, economic, and educational backgrounds. We rarely live up to our own ideals when it comes to diversity within our friendships and closest relationships. 

Jesus genuinely welcomed and paid attention to anyone who came his way. He spent time with the religious leaders and with the people called “sinners,” the people who were rejected by the religious ones. He dined at the houses of the rich and powerful, and he insisted on honoring the people who were considered “least”—people who were poor and sick and outcasts. In a really extraordinary way for a Jewish man of his time, he welcomed women into his close circle of companions. He told stories to dignify ethnic “others” who were considered enemies. And he encouraged all of these people to gather together and rub shoulders with one another. 

In Matthew’s gospel, he writes:

“When Jesus saw the crowds, he went up the mountain, and after he sat down, his disciples came to him. And he began to speak and taught them…” (Matthew 5:1-2).

So when Matthew tells us that Jesus’ disciples came to listen to him speak, it wasn’t just a group of pious middle-class religious men sitting around a campfire together. Jesus’ disciples included a tax collector who was hated by his countrymen because he worked for the Romans and a zealot who was a Jewish nationalist ready to usurp the Romans. 

No one is excluded from Jesus’ invitation to follow him and listen to his teaching. And all of us who choose to go with him are making a choice to walk alongside people who come with different ideas about identity from diverse political and religious backgrounds.

More with Amy Julia:

Life to the Full SeriesHow Can I Practice NOT Proving My Worth?3 Ways to Find an Ordinary Church

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Down Syndrome Is Not Like a Car Crash

I hear the comparison all the time. When people want to explain that the unexpected can happen to any of us, and to any of our children, at any time, they often say things like, “You don’t know if your kid is going to get into a car crash.” 

I understand the analogy. Just as Down syndrome is an unexpected and unpredictable diagnosis, so too a car crash cannot be foreseen. Just as a car crash may cause feelings of grief and fear, and may require doctors’ visits, so too a Down syndrome diagnosis often feels overwhelming and scary. And just as no parent would reject a child who has endured a car crash, so too parents can receive their children with Down syndrome with an open heart. 

Still, I want to insist that having Down syndrome is not like getting in a car crash. We reduce Down syndrome to tragedy when we compare this chromosomal condition to wreckage. 

There’s nothing positive about car crashes (which is not to say nothing good could ever come of them). There is beauty and purpose in the lives of people with Down syndrome as they are, not in spite of their genetic makeup. Down syndrome is embedded in every cell of a baby’s body from the moment of conception. Down syndrome is, by definition, a part of the design. 

I’m not trying to compare having Down syndrome to inheriting a million dollars or walking through a bed of roses. Having Down syndrome is a mixed bag. It comes with pronounced limitations alongside the potential for beauty and wonder and delight. As does being human.

We do not know what catastrophes or wonders any of our lives will hold. All of life is vulnerable and uncertain, with the potential for great heartache and the possibility of overwhelming joy. 

More with Amy Julia:

False Message: Disability is a problem to be fixed.False Message: Disability is a tragedy to be alleviated.False Message: Disability is a joke to be laughed at.False Message: Disability is an inspiration.

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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3 Ways to Find an Ordinary Church

We need to go back to church. 

I feel like a little old lady wagging a scolding finger when I write that, and the last thing I want to do is wag a finger or scold. I don’t mean that everyone needs an actual church– other faith communities (and secular organizations) can provide similar connections and care. And certainly, churches have been the repositories of abusive and toxic cultures that have harmed far too many people for far too long. 

Still, the majority of Americans could find solace and community and healing and connection to a transcendent, loving, guiding power of love and grace in the context of the most prevalent religious institution in America, the local church. 

Here are some thoughts on how to find a church: 

1. Ask around.

I was looking for a church that would welcome a family with a child with Down syndrome on behalf of a friend in another town. I emailed a few friends who lived in that town and within a day I had five diverse and interesting options. Even as the church in America declines, there are still lots of them. 

2. Look for an ordinary church.

Churches filled with ordinary people who read the Bible, serve communion, pray, eat together, care for one another, and care for their communities are not impressive or entertaining. They have plenty of flaws, but they are less likely to be developing narcissistic leaders and toxic cultures. (I wrote an essay recently for Religion News Service about the power of ordinary churches.)

3. Expect welcome.

Don’t expect theology that you agree with on every point. Don’t expect all the musical offerings to accord with your taste. Don’t expect riveting sermons on a weekly basis. Don’t expect people to always remember your name. BUT do expect a spirit of hospitality, kindness, respect, and loving curiosity. Do expect a slightly awkward but sincere invitation to drink mediocre coffee and eat chicken salad in a badly lit fellowship hall. Do expect to have some of your needs met. Do expect to be needed, but not exploited. Do expect to find a people who want you to belong with them. 

Our nation is experiencing a crisis of loneliness, depression, and anxiety. Ordinary churches are one part of what we need to become people of connection, joy, hope, peace, and love.

More with Amy Julia:

Hillsong was extraordinary. That’s the problem. | RNSThe Blessings of a Small ChurchNonverbal Individuals in the ChurchS6 E8 | When Church Lets You Down with Bekah McNeel

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Saying Goodbye to their Childhood Home

On Monday, we said goodbye to our home. 

It was always on loan to us. Our house comes with Peter’s position as a Head of School. In a few months, we will move into another Head’s house as he begins his position at the Taft School. But this house, Conroy house, will always be the place our kids grew up. 

This is the place where they jumped in leaf piles and built snow forts and waited for the tooth fairy and learned how to identify the Big Dipper. This is the place where they cried because a big tree died and had to be cut down. This is the place where we celebrated birthdays and hosted pumpkin parties. The place where they watched movies when they were sick and climbed trees and planted flowers. This place will always be the one that holds all the memories of childhood.

And this week, we had to say goodbye.

So after we had packed up our clothes and books and toiletries and all the things we weren’t leaving for the movers, we paused. We ordered lunch from our favorite local spot and sat outside on the back patio and remembered the time the bear interrupted a prom party and the way the fox crosses the yard throughout the winter and the time when we saw an oriole. 

And then we walked room to room. We noticed that William has almost outgrown his room, and that Marilee loves our shower, and that they all prefer the kitchen island over the dining room table. (see photos below)

On each floor, we prayed. We gave thanks for what we were given in that place, and we prayed for the people who will be moving in and the ones who will stay there as visitors and pass through as guests. And then we drove away, with sadness, and with thanks.

More with Amy Julia:

Big News for the Becker FamilyReruns With JesusTurning 46

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Life to the Full Series

Who do you follow on Instagram, Facebook, Twitter? I follow a host of other writers, parents of kids with Down syndrome and other disabilities, social justice activists, and people of faith who help me think about cultivating our spiritual lives in the midst of a world focused on materialism and entertainment.

In addition to following people on social media, I also follow people when I literally walk (or drive) behind them and go with them where they are going. These different types of following have made me reflect on what Jesus meant when he invited people to follow him. He was inviting them in both senses of the word: inviting them to pay attention to what he was doing and also inviting them to walk the path he walked. 

Jesus offered a way of compassion and simplicity and peace. He taught and lived a way of connection to self, to God, and to others. He explained that walking with God is not a way of proving yourself or earning your worth. Rather, it is a way of blessing. It is a way of love. 

Jesus is still offering us an invitation to follow him. Paying attention to his words and life and teaching together gives us a chance to consider whether we want to walk with him on the path that he said was the way to a life of love and purpose and blessing. He called this life, “life to the full” (John 10:10). 

This summer, I’m going to offer a series of weekly reflections on what it looks like to live this full life, this life of blessing, as we follow Jesus on the way.

More with Amy Julia:

Falling Off the May Treadmill10 Ways to Practice ResurrectionBlessed Are Those Who Thirst for JusticeReceiving Life as a Gift

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Family Screen Time Practices for the Summer

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And I have additional resources for you available here!

Small Talk

LEARNING FROM MY CHILDREN ABOUT WHAT MATTERS MOST

Available in Paperback, Kindle, and Audiobook Buy Now

Read An Excerpt

Small Talk reveals how talking with our children about the most important things in life actually ends up growing us up just as much, if not more, than them. Gabe and Rebekah LyonsCofounders of Q Ideas and authors of The Next Christians and Rhythms of Rest, respectively Rich, liberating words for parents who need to know they aren't alone... Ann VoskampAuthor of The Broken Way Becker’s Small Talk offers spiritual lessons without being simplistic. In fact, what I might like best about the book is the insistent need to defend the holy beauty of materiality and the idea that we can find God in the kitchen as well as the cloister. Becker does this, not by waxing eloquent for pages about ethereal ideas, but by embedding theological truth in the sights and sounds of the everyday. Jen Pollock Michel,Englewood Review of Books Small Talk is a gift to parents who long to connect with their children about the joys and everyday rituals that sustain us, as well as about the griefs that capsize our hearts. . . . Thoughtful, wise, and engaging, Becker’s work inspires me to live with intention and keep alert to the presence of God. Highly recommended. Jennifer GrantAuthor of Maybe I Can Love My Neighbor Too Previous Next

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Juneteenth and King: A Life

Today, people across the nation will celebrate Juneteenth—a holiday I only learned about in recent years. As Jemar Tisby writes, “Juneteenth may be the perfect holiday for Black people to take the day off. Historically, it has been celebrated by Black communities as an occasion for exuberance.” 

Tisby wants white people to recognize the significance of this day without asking Black people to do the work of educating us about that significance. Again, Tisby writes:

“First, white people can educate themselves and other white people. Much of the labor Black people feel compelled to do on holidays such as Juneteenth is teaching white people about Black people. This is an important task, and no one is better equipped for it than Black people, but there’s also this thing called the internet. And we still have books (if they haven’t been banned in your area). And museums, and art installations, and so much more.”

For those of us who want to learn more, King: A Life, by Jonathan Eig, is one place to start. Eig’s masterful storytelling offers lots of details without getting bogged down by data points. 

I’m wrestling with the complexities of King’s moral compromises and failures alongside his commitment to the gospel and to justice and his depth of conviction that goodness can win out. I’m riveted by the stories of how this very human man came to be one of the greatest leaders of the 20th century. And I’m learning—about King’s family and education, and therefore about America, North and South, throughout those years.

I commend King: A Life to anyone who wants to wrestle and learn and understand why Juneteenth is a day worthy of celebration. 

(And here’s a list of other books and resources that have helped me begin to learn some of the unacknowledged truths of our history as it pertains to race in America. And here’s a 3-Day Civil Rights Tour Itinerary for Families)

More with Amy Julia:

Recommended Books, Podcasts, and Films about Race and PrivilegeA 3-Day Civil Rights Tour Itinerary for FamiliesSummer Rewind: Five Books that Have Challenged Me about Race and JusticeNorman Rockwell Museum: Illustrating Race

If you haven’t already, you can  subscribe  to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest ,  YouTube , and  Goodreads , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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