Amy Julia Becker's Blog, page 34

Homecoming and Belonging

As a mother of a child with a disability, school events can be rough. I’m talking about everything from dances to sports to eating lunch in the cafeteria. I don’t know what happens during social times. Does anyone say hello? Does anyone dance with her? Is she noticed? And welcomed? Does she feel like she belongs?

It is not my place to tell the stories of the times when my fears have been realized, in part or in full. That’s one of the problems of social media, and of writing publicly in general. I feel free to tell you when things go right. When kindness wins. When other people are awesome. 

And while I also tell you about things that are hard for me personally, I don’t feel free to tell you about the details of those things when they involve our kids. Those are their stories. Not mine.

SO I’m not giving you much of the back story here. I just want to say that Homecoming this year was delightful. Penny went shopping with her friend Ona, and they both bought dresses together. Marilee helped her do her makeup, and it was a gift to watch her gentle and respectful care for her big sister. Penny went to the dance and came out late because she wanted to stay there with the other seniors. Ona’s mom sent me photos of the girls together.

You can fill in the blanks as well as I can. Sometimes prayers are answered. Sometimes people are kind. Sometimes friendship is mutual and beautiful and real. It was a good night.

More with Amy Julia:

Using the Spiritual Imagination as a Vehicle for HopeFrom Safety to Health for Our Kids“They aren’t special needs. They are human needs.”

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Anxiety Is a Signal

One night this summer, I had an anxiety dream (that’s what I call it). I don’t have them often, but in this particular dream I’m looking at a city that has flooded, and I’m wandering around, barefoot, in an amusement park. I need to go to the bathroom, but I keep thinking, “I can’t go into the bathroom with bare feet.”  

As I replayed the dream in my head, I connected it to our family’s upcoming move and realized that I was anxious—really anxious—about the move.

I mentioned this dream to Curtis Chang as I was recording a conversation with him about anxiety. He had just told me about his own experience with sleep and anxiety, which he described as hitting “a two-week period where I did not fall asleep consciously. At around day 10, I remember I was alone in the house, and I screamed out loud, ‘God, just make this stop. Just make this stop. I will say anything. I will do anything. I will believe anything if you just make this stop.’”

Our experiences with sleep and anxiety prompted me to ask him this question:

How do you actually address anxiety when you become aware that it’s present? 

Curtis said, “Anxiety is a signal that we are living in the future in some way—it’s some future loss that we’re rehearsing in our mind over and over again, or subconsciously perhaps.”

So what do we do when we receive anxiety’s signal? How do we grow in the midst of anxiety and our fear of loss?

Curtis gave a really practical answer—use anxiety as an INVITATION TO BE PRESENT. 

He suggested several ways to accept this invitation, including: 

MindfulnessBreathingTime in nature

Go listen to my conversation with Curtis! He offers insight into spiritual practices for facing anxiety and really practical ways we can grow in the midst of anxiety. I’m hearing from so many listeners that this was just the conversation they needed.

What are practical ways that you live in the present?

More with Amy Julia:

S7 E2 | Anxiety: A Doorway to Your Best Self? with Curtis ChangBreaking the Anxiety BoomerangWhat Energizes Me? Anxiety or Love?

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Using the Spiritual Imagination as a Vehicle for Hope

A few months after Penny was first born, I realized that I lacked an imagination for a good future for our family. What little understanding I had of life with Down syndrome seemed sad to me, and the information I received in the hospital and online only reinforced my thought that the life ahead for us was scary and possibly even tragic. But then I started to hear about people with Down syndrome who went to hip-hop class or who loved working in a grocery store. Someone gave me a book with big black-and-white photos of people with Down syndrome riding bikes and laughing with siblings and eating meals and giving hugs. I met a few adults with Down syndrome in person, and I recognized the beauty and contentment in their lives.  I knew that Penny would not live any of these specific lives in their particularity. But I also began to imagine a life with Down syndrome that was good and full, albeit different from the life I had previously imagined for our children. It was because of that book, and those individuals, that I started blogging and sharing both images and stories about our family. I wanted to be a part of shaping the imagination of other parents of kids with Down syndrome, and then, ultimately, to be a part of shaping the imagination of our entire culture. When I use the word imagination, I am not talking about fantasy. I’m referring to the things that need to be envisioned in order to become possible. We use our imaginations to create an image of the future, and out of those images, we hope. The spiritual imagination relies on truths given to us by the Spirit of God, and it carries us from an uncertain and frightening present to a future filled with possibilities. It helps us gather strength and courage. It tethers us to promise. It connects us to a story of love written by the one who is love and who creates, redeems, and sustains us all.  So if you are in a hopeless place right now, look for people who can help you imagine a good future, even if the strand tethering your story to theirs feels tenuous. Together, we can shift the vision of our culture and create a path of possibility.__Photo from years ago! Penny is now a senior in high school.

More with Amy Julia:

Reshaping Our Cultural ImaginationHow the Spiritual Imagination Moves Us Towards HopeS6 E22 | Why Stories of Hope Subvert Racism with John Blake

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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September Introductions

It’s time for another round of introductions as this little community continues to grow. I’d love to hear from you about who you are and why you are here. Here’s a little intro to me:

I’m Amy Julia. It’s a double name, which is a bit unwieldy and hard to explain and yet I’ve never been willing to shorten it to Amy. Some people call me AJ, which I like just fine. 

I am a total sucker for lifehacks. I love things that make tasks simpler or easier. (Like my Intuition razor, for example. Love.) One recent lifehack that has made a big difference is to plan everything about the upcoming week on Friday and then set aside Monday as a day to get really important things done. No meetings on Monday. No planning on Monday. Just reading and writing and thinking.

Parenting teenagers is my favorite stage so far. I struggled (a lot) in the early years. Yes, they were super cute. But I was a mess. Now I still get to be their mom, but I also get to curl up on the bed with them and watch a show I like (Down for Love with Penny, Only Murders in the Building with William) or listen with them to books that I enjoy (A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder and Fever 1793, both with Marilee). 

We moved two times this summer, and we have one more move to go. (My husband got a new job, which comes with a lovely house, but the house is not ready for us yet.) It’s unsettling. But it has also pushed me towards rhythms of life that aren’t dependent upon having a predictable and known physical space. 

On that last point, I just listened to a podcast conversation with Ann Voskamp. She offers six different practices for grounding herself in the truth and love of God. I have not yet tried all six! But I am really grateful for three questions she shared from the pages of the Bible as a way to pay attention to my life: Who do you say God is today? Where is your soul and where is it heading? And, as Jesus asked, What do you want? 

So, how about you:

What are your favorite lifehacks?

What are the things that bring you back to a place of peace?

What questions are you asking that help you pay attention to the things that matter most?

More with Amy Julia:

AboutBooksSpeaking

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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From Safety to Health for Our Kids

I feel a twinge of fear whenever Penny uses a sharp knife in the kitchen. I could pretend my fear is simply a product of her disability. But I feel something similar when her siblings enter situations where they might get hurt. I felt it when Marilee showed up at summer camp and we discovered that she would be sleeping on the top bunk of a tiny canvas tent and it was going to rain for days on end. I felt it when William was taking geometry and didn’t feel prepared for his exam. I want to rush in and take away all their discomfort. I want to keep them safe.

On the one hand, all the parenting literature I read tells me to help our kids develop intrinsic motivation. I’m advised to equip them with an internal locus of control, an ability to recognize and exercise their own agency and responsibility, whether that be with the task of tying their shoes or packing up school lunches or emailing a teacher when they know they will be late with an assignment. I’m also encouraged to let them experience the consequences of oversleeping their alarm or watching YouTube instead of studying for a quiz or leaving the candy wrappers next to the couch.

As much as we are advised to give our kids agency, we are also offered the imperative to make sure our kids are safe. Safe from predators. Safe from triggering ideas. Safe from bullies. Safe from fire and injury and illness and gossip and depression and anxiety and substance abuse.

In wanting to keep our kids safe, I wonder if I have prevented them from taking healthy risks, developing healthy ambition, and experiencing healthy stress. The truth is that I can’t do much to make our kids safer than they already are. But I can back off. I can model what it looks like to be healthy. I can let them be uncomfortable.

Penny, by the way, is learning how to use a knife. Marilee had a great time at camp. And William passed his geometry exam. It won’t always work out so smoothly (and wouldn’t be appropriate for me to share here the times when it doesn’t work out for them), but I’m starting to believe even the bumps and bruises are part of healthy growth as a human.

More with Amy Julia:

The Dignity of RiskWhat Breaking a Record Has To Do With Responsive ParentingMaking Hard Decisions With Love, Not Fear

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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RNS | Why do I still go to church?

READ THE RNS ESSAY: Why do I still go to church?

For many Americans, going to church has become outdated, impractical, and in some cases even a sign of oppression. Our family still attends with as much regularity as we can muster, and we are grateful for it. 

I had a chance to write for Religion New Service about why we still go to church. The essay begins:

Every fall, our family returns to church. We don’t intentionally walk away during the summer months, but between vacations and camp drop-offs and lazy mornings and opportunities to see family and friends, we tend to tie our church attendance to the school calendar.

Come September, we have to remind ourselves why it’s worth it to nudge our teenagers out of bed on a day when they could sleep in. Why get dressed and head out the door to listen to a choir and hear some prayers and sit through a sermon when we could be hiking in the woods?

READ THE RNS ESSAY: Why do I still go to church?

More with Amy Julia:

Hillsong was extraordinary. That’s the problem. | RNS3 Ways to Find an Ordinary ChurchNonverbal Individuals in the ChurchThe Blessings of a Small ChurchI’m a Denominational Mutt

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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New Rule: No Crying on Date Night

Peter and I have a new rule: No crying on date night.

We’ve been married for close to a quarter of a century, and we’ve been pretty religiously going out to dinner once a week for most of those many years. But it’s only recently that we’ve realized there are certain topics that just should not be addressed on date night.

It doesn’t happen often, but there are just those times where one of us triggers the other one with an old wound, or with a question that pokes at an insecurity, and we each start to get defensive in our own way, and usually that means that he clenches his jaw and flares his nostrils and I get all teary and my voice shakes. And we try to push through and end up mad at each other and despondent and with no better resolution.

What we finally realized is that these are really important conversations. But they aren’t conversations for date night. So we made a new rule. If we find ourselves on the brink of tears (or anger, defensiveness, etc.), we have permission to interrupt ourselves or each other. The deal is that we need to commit to a walk where we will continue this conversation. So we aren’t ignoring or denying the topic. We are just putting it in its proper place. 

Walks are a good place to get mad and cry and work through the ongoing issues that inevitably come up between two imperfect humans trying to make a life together. Date nights are for checking in about our weeks, bringing up ideas we’re curious about, sharing the good stuff and the hard stuff about our days, and enjoying time together. 

We’ve been together for decades, and we are still learning. No crying on date night.

More with Amy Julia:

The Most Important Thing We Do as a Married Couple3 Questions We Asked That Really Helped Our MarriageFinding Other Ways to Communicate…

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Festival of Faith and Writing April 2024

I can more or less measure the timeline of my writing career through the Festival of Faith and Writing.

In 2008 I saw an ad for the festival in a magazine. I showed up, pregnant with our second child, manuscript in hand, without knowing anyone. I met my friend Margot Starbuck and was introduced to my agent as a result.

I won’t take you through all the subsequent years, but I have reveled in hearing from speakers like Christian Wiman and James McBride and Anne Lamott and Bill McKibben and Kate Bowler. 

And I have been so honored to participate as a speaker and panelist over those years. I’ve been so filled up with gratitude and joy to connect with other writers and readers and thinkers and people of faith and doubt and everything in between. 

So I was really sad back in 2020 when the world shut down and I wasn’t able to speak about themes from White Picket Fences.

BUT I am also thrilled to say that I have been invited to speak in 2024. The lineup of other speakers is both intimidating and wondrous—Yaa Gyasi, Anthony Doerr, and Tracy K. Smith are the keynote speakers, and then the dozens of other people (like Karen Swallow Prior and Natasha Sistrunk Robinson and James K. A. Smith and Chanequa Walker-Barnes and on and on) will make each day a delightful feast for all who love books and reading and faith and thinking.

I tell you this in hopes that you’ll join us in Michigan in April 2024 (registration opens this fall). Stay tuned for thoughts about what I’ll say, and let me know if you have any ideas I should consider for a talk! 

More with Amy Julia:

BooksArticles/Essays

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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Watching Down for Love

We took advantage of an unexpected early dismissal from school to watch the final episode of Down for Love . I’ll write more (and hopefully Penny will give you her thoughts too), but for now I’m just grateful for this sweet show and the chance to talk with Penny about love and dating and to snuggle up together on a gray afternoon. (Penny notes that even though they were dismissed early because of potential storms, it is not even raining but is a perfectly fine day )

More with Amy Julia:

Book: A Good and Perfect Gift: Faith, Expectations, and a Little Girl Named Penny Free Resource:  Missing Out on Beautiful: Growing Up With a Child With Down Syndrome

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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TIME: Doctors Don’t Know How to Talk About Down Syndrome

Read the Essay: Doctors Don’t Know How to Talk About Down Syndrome

Any parent who has received a prenatal or postnatal diagnosis of Down syndrome (or any other genetic condition) can remember what happened. Researchers call them “flashbulb moments” because they are so deeply imprinted in our memories. I’ve shared my own story of that moment countless times over the years, and I’ve heard accounts from countless other parents. For many of us, our stories of learning our child’s diagnosis are hard, even, in some cases, traumatic. But only recently have we had data that supports our anecdotal knowledge that doctors have not accessed the training and resources they could in order to offer diagnoses in a more generous, supportive, and compassionate manner.

I had a chance to write about that study for TIME, and you can read more here.

Read the Essay: Doctors Don’t Know How to Talk About Down Syndrome

More with Amy Julia:

Book: A Good and Perfect Gift: Faith, Expectations, and a Little Girl Named Penny Free Resource:  Missing Out on Beautiful: Growing Up With a Child With Down Syndrome New York Times: I’m Thankful Every Day for the Decision I Made After My Prenatal Tests

Subscribe  to my newsletter to receive regular updates and news. You can also follow me on  Facebook ,  Instagram , Twitter ,  Pinterest , and  YouTube , and you can subscribe to my  Love Is Stronger Than Fear  podcast on your favorite podcast platform. 

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