Andrea Anderson Polk's Blog, page 6

The 700 Club Interviews Andrea

A Mission to Free People from Toxic Relationships

In a recent interview on the tv show, The 700 Club," Andrea has a compelling conversation with Terry Meeuwsen, about her new book: The Cuckoo Syndrome. Through the lens of scripture, science, and psychology, she discusses ways to break toxic cycles to live a life of freedom, meaning, and purpose.

Watch the Interview HERE

Overview of the show:

ANDREA ANDERSON POLK IS DRIVEN BY A DEEP COMPASSION AND CALLING FOR THOSE WITH CHRONIC PSYCHOLOGICAL STRUGGLES AFTER NAVIGATING A DIFFICULT SEASON IN HER LIFE WITH A CLOSE FAMILY MEMBER.

NOW AS LICENSED PROFESSIONAL COUNSELOR AND AUTHOR, ANDREA HAS SPENT HER CAREER STUDYING THE HUMAN EXPERIENCE AND HAS DEVELOPED A FASCINATING ANALOGY THAT COMPARES CUCKOO BIRDS, NATURE’S MASTER MANIPULATOR AND IMPOSTER, TO SITUATIONS AND RELATIONSHIPS THAT LEAVE US FEELING DRAINED, CONFUSED, LOST, AND EMPTY.

HER NEW BOOK, THE CUCKOO SYNDROME, HELPS US FEND OFF THE CUCKOOS, THE UNHEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, TOXIC THINKING, AND SELF-SABOTAGING BEHAVIOR IN OUR LIFE THAT NEVER TRULY SATISFY THE DEEP LONGINGS OF OUR SOUL AND THE DESIRES OF OUR HEART.

ANDREA’S CLINICALLY PROVEN, INNOVATIVE METHOD HELPS US RECOVER THE LOST PIECES OF OURSELVES, DISCOVER MEANING IN SUFFERING, AND TRANSFORM OUR PAIN INTO PURPOSE BY TEACHING US TO UNCOVER THE TRUTH OF WHO WE ARE AND WHO GOD IS SO WE CAN BE HEALED AND LIVE FREE.

If the conversation resonates within you and you would like to explore the heart issues that arise in the interview, work with Andrea one-on-one to dive deeper into your struggles and stuck points. Her greatest joy is to help people face the deepest truths of their lives so they can be healed and happy.

Order Andrea’s new book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, today!

A Single Woman’s Story of Shame: The Defense of Projectizing, Part 2

Last week we discussed a common defense mechanism, projectizing, a deeper form of perfectionism, by making ourselves a project to be fixed or a problem to be solved rather than treating ourselves as a person worth of love and compassion. In today’s post, I will be sharing an example of how the defense of projectizing shows up in our life through Sarah’s story, a single woman desiring marriage who is struggling with shame around her singleness and suffering with confusion around her faith. Sarah was tired. Her anxiety was keeping her awake at night. Deep down she felt ashamed. Intelligent, well-educated, and articulate, Sarah came to my office with a common complaint. She had been seen by multiple therapists to treat anxiety and bouts depression, without success. She was restless sitting on my sofa as she shared her chronic disappointment both in her dating life and her faith. I asked Sarah about her spiritual life. She acknowledged that one reason she had come to see me was that she had been told I was a believer. Her relationship with God was bringing her more confusion than comfort. Sarah is in her late thirties desiring to be married who is told by her friends, family, and faith community that she is too picky and not doing her part. Although these people are well-meaning and only trying to help, she feels shame that her singleness is her fault. Therefore, she vacillates between compromising her values because she falsely believes they are too rigid, although she fears she will end up marrying someone she doesn’t truly love. Or she spends an inordinate amount of time on dating websites and exhausts herself dating every man who shows an interest in her when she could be enjoying her life more fully.

The reality is that Sarah is single because she has not yet met a man she wants to be with. Period. The truth is this: she is a strong woman who sticks to her values, and she is patient, confident, and content within herself.Before Sarah could receive these truths and begin the healing process, she had to face her pain and her feelings of anger, sadness, and fear that she was avoiding. Understandably so, the complicated grief of having unmet heart’s desires during this prolonged season of singleness and having to wait longer than she had hoped is difficult and hard enough.Weekends were especially painful for her, especially after church on Sundays, when she heard couples discussing their fun plans of how they were spending the remainder of the day together. She longed for companionship. She was lonely.Through her counseling sessions Sarah learned there was more to her singleness that was causing her so much suffering. It was that she felt shame about her loneliness driving her need to "fix" her singleness. During her treatment we discovered, at a deeper level, she felt intense regret for past relational mistakes and believed it was her fault that she was single. Therefore, she feared feeling her painful emotions and buried them as a result. This avoidance pattern kept her stuck in a continuous cycle of shame and suffering. Once Sarah allowed herself to experience her anger and sadness surrounding her singleness, she learned not to fear those lonely moments especially during the weekends. Instead of projectizing her singleness as a problem to solve and seeing herself as a broken person who needed to be fixed, she allowed the waves of intense emotions to pass through her and had compassion on herself for the first time.

Experiencing her grief made room for hope to shine through and allowed her to trust her gut instincts and drown out the voices of distraction. Her newfound convictions and confidence overshadowed her doubts. Her dating choices came from a place of want to instead of have to and were driven by fun rather than fear.

Am I Too Picky?

Toward the end of our treatment together, Sarah shared, “It’s amazing to me how simple—not easy—it is to sit with my sadness. Yes, it is painful, but it does pass and I am OK! I’m incredibly grateful we identified the real culprit of projectizing so I no longer have to go through these tormenting mental Hula-Hoops trying to figure it all out. Now I can get back to living my life! I believe the right person will come along at the right time. After all, God knows my heart and I trust him, not just with my future husband but with my moments of loneliness, anger, and lack of faith. Most importantly, I no longer believe I am too picky, I am a strong woman who knows what she wants. I’ll be saying a lot more no’s, but it only takes one yes and I’d rather be waiting for my future spouse than in a marriage where I feel alone.” All in all, Sarah's issue was not the fact that she was single; it was believing it was her fault and therefore exhausting herself to fix it, do her part, and put herself out there. All statements that left her feeling fearful she would miss out and ashamed she wasn’t doing enough. At the close of her session, she said, “I have never heard of the defense mechanism of projectizing before. My other therapists have never addressed this core issue within me. This is incredibly eye-opening and life- changing to be able to name this. I’ve struggled with making myself a project to fix all my life and never knew what it was. What freedom!”

What had begun as a false belief that Sarah's singleness meant that something was wrong with her had evolved into a crisis of faith. Yet she didn’t see the connection between her anxiety that kept her awake at night and her conclusion that her singleness was her fault. As one who has had a prolonged season of singleness in my life along with its fair share of doubt and uncertainly, I was empathetic to her real experience of inner turmoil. Especially her ache of desiring to be married. In fact, for Sarah, it was now beyond what she would describe as turmoil and had developed into what could easily be called suffering.

Her anxiety grew as her conversations with fellow believers were providing her with answers that left her feeling confused, judged, and inadequate that she was not doing enough. This upset her, but even her emotional distress was something she did feel the freedom to mention to them. She didn’t want to risk being told, “You’re not doing your part" or "You’re too picky.” I suggested that her problem was more complex that anxiety around being single.

To help Sarah understand the root of her anxiety, I helped her understand her coping strategy of making herself a project to fix and her singleness a problem to solve instead of believing she is a person worthy of love and compassion. Rather than focusing on what she was or was not doing, I invited her into a relationship of being known and sharing her story. This helped her stop obsessing about all her questions related to her singleness and she felt her feelings as the tears began to flow down her cheeks. Her shame was replaced with an inner strength and deep conviction.

The Truth for Single People

I have worked with many single men and women in my clinical practice. The path to finding a spouse is not straightforward nor is it black and white. It is complex and nuanced. Assigning meaning to what is right or wrong in dating is harmful. People oversimplify very complicated, personal issues. Placing assumptions on such a life-changing decision can create shame, doubt, and uncertainty among single people desiring to be married.

You do not need to be fixed because you are single. You are not a problem to solve or a project. You are a person. You are not broken, you are hurting.

Sarah’s singleness was not a sign of weakness, failure or a lack of action and faith on her part. It was an unmet desire of her heart that she felt ashamed about. Despite her singleness, her desire to be married was no longer a place of shame, but a place of self-acceptance. Our humanness, Christianity, and marital status is not about performance, being right or demanding answers. It’s about grace and being loved and accepted.

Like many of us, Sarah knew things, yet she hadn’t been known by anyone in such a way that she felt encouraged, understood, and unashamed. Not by people closest to her and not by God. The desire of her heart to be married was no longer a burden weighing on her reminding her of inadequacy, it brought her closer to God and she found peace in the midst of waiting, contentment within herself, and joy pursuing her passions.

What are you longing for? Though it feels as if your painful, confusing season of waiting for your heart’s desires will never end, it is possible to walk through your uncertainty, fears, and tears to discover hope again. The way to freedom is closer than you know. It begins with surrendering the need to know the when, the how and the why and learning accept your life as a story unfolding moment by moment.

In next week’s post we will look at steps to overcome chronic overthinking and our intense need to fix ourselves.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 8 (When You Become A Cuckoo, Making Yourself a Project to Fix) of Andrea’s book, The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

Andrea's TV Interview on The Perspective

In a recent interview on the tv show, The Perspective with Mike Sherbino and Julie Stautland, Andrea discusses her new book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, her story, and clinical experience working with hundreds of clients helping them break free from unhealthy relationships, toxic thinking, and self-sabotaging behavior.

Watch the Interview HERE

Overview of the show:

“How do we deal with someone in our life who monopolizes us, leaves us feeling confused, misunderstood, consumes way too much of our energy, but we can’t seem to put our finger on exactly how or why. Some people are never satisfied no matter how much we try to love, help, and please them. Andrea talks about her captivating new book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, which help us fend off the cuckoos: those unhealthy relationships, our own toxic thinking, and self-sabotaging. And instead, discover new purpose, vision, and meaning in our lives and in God. Andrea’s fascinating conversation with Mike and Julie help us as we learn and uncover ways to let the truth set us free.”

If the conversation resonates within you and you would like to explore the heart issues that arise in the interview, work with Andrea one-on-one to dive deeper into your struggles and stuck points. Her greatest joy is to help people face the deepest truths of their lives so they can be healed and happy.

Order Andrea’s new book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, today!

Are You Trying to Fix Yourself? The Defense of Projectizing, Part 1

Fix Me! Fix Me!

Many of my clients seek counseling after having been in therapy for years and suffering without any significant symptom relief and without lasting healing after multiple therapists have failed. After a few sessions with me, they say, “I’ve felt a freedom here that I never experienced in three years or even three months with my other therapists after just three sessions with you! How do you do that?”

My response is simple: “I’m not trying to fix you.”

As humans, we have an innate need to improve in life, work, and relationships which directly impacts our conversations with others, how we view ourselves, and how we approach healing. When life becomes hard and scary our need for safety overrides our ability to think clearly and as a result shows up as an intense, obsessive need to fix ourselves. Although this automatic approach may seem helpful, this mindset creates unnecessary suffering to an already painflul situation.

This week we are taking a brief pause in the series on dealing with toxic relatioships to bring to light a new series on how we “projectize” ourselves to cope with painful emotions, fear, and insecurity that is prevalent among my clients and in my own life.

When our relationships and circumstances suddenly change for the worse, we find ourselves desperately trying to cope with unexpected pain and hold it all together. Whether it be the sudden loss of a job, onset of illness, or a relationship ending, we suffer silently, ashamed of our struggles. Consequently, issues like depression, loneliness, anxiety, sleep problems, and stress become our constant companion - after all, everyone else seems to be fine.

One of the scariest places to be is having no answers, no relief, and no change no matter how much you know, how hard you try, and how often you pray. Continually struggling with the same issue over and over with no hope of change can show up as shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Yet the truth is that everyone experiences painful and challenging times.

The distinction is this: Which battle are you fighting:

Do you beat yourself up for having problems or on-going issues to begin with because deep down you believe you’re at fault, broken, responsible, and flawed?

Or do you accept pain, hardship, and imperfection as an inevitable reality of life?

For example, you experience anxiety because of additional work stress and instead of validating how scary the new responsibilities are and how hard it is to balance life, you believe your anxiety means you lack faith in God or you have made a wrong decision or you have failed in some way. Rather than seeing your anxiety as a signal, you view it as an inherent flaw.

A Deeper Form of Perfectionism

Projectizing = Making oneself a project that needs to be fixed

Due to this reoccurring patten I see among my clients, I developed a term, “projectizing,” which is a psychological defense mechanism — a deeper and more dangerous form of perfectionism. A defense mechanism is a fancy, “clinical” word for the ways we lie to ourselves to avoid painful emotions such as fear, sadness, anger, and grief. They are unconscious yet destructive ways we seek to protect ourselves from facing the reality of our difficult circumstances such as a painful breakup, the loss of a dream or loved one, or getting fired from work.

Perfectionism is having unrealistic high expectations for yourself typically related to work, status, appearance, and performance whereas projectizing reaches the core of our soul because we attack ourselves for experiencing even the most basic human emotions in the first place. We do not give ourselves permission to suffer and struggle without demanding a reason.

Projectizing is making oneself a project that needs to be fixed. When we make ourselves a project, we disconnect from our true self because we do not know who we are or what we want, need, and feel. We are anxiously trying to fix ourselves instead. Essentially, you attack yourself for things that are beyond your control because you intrinsically believe you are flawed. You are fundamentally being mean or cruel to yourself!

Projectizing is a form of self-attack and is rooted in shame because if we truly loved and accepted ourselves, we wouldn’t treat ourselves as a project. Rather, we would view ourselves as a person in pain deserving grace, forgiveness, and kindness.

You are not a problem that needs to be solved, you are a person worthy of love and compassion.

Projectizing also prevents us from asking for help because we believe we should know what to do or have the answers. Or we do not want others to know we are struggling because it means we are incapable or inadequate.

Obsessively overthinking separates you from obtaining the wisdom you need to help face and resolve difficult and painful issues. Trying to fix yourself creates anxiety and takes you out of the present moment situation and into your head rather than into your behavior. With projectizing we believe the lie that if we fix ourselves, we will be okay and no longer struggle. In reality, weare operating in shame manifesting itself in anxiety, bouts of depression, sleep issues, fatigue and stress.

The truth is: Just because something in your life is painful or hard, doesn’t mean you did something wrong or that you’re broken.

An Unhealthy Relationship with Ourselves

One of the most toxic relationships we endure is the relationship we have with ourselves.

Jesus commands us to love our neighbors as ourselves, so it’s biblical and apparent that we are to love ourselves. How can you love your neighbor if you don’t love yourself? Loving yourself means you show compassion, care, listen, and feel.

Imagine a loved one saying to you, “I’ve been feeling anxious lately and I can’t sleep at night. I’m really struggling. I dread waking up in the morning, and I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the day without collapsing. I feel off. This has never happened to me before. I’m usually such a joyful person.”

Would you respond, “You need to fix that” and have absolutely no empathy and emotion toward that person whatsoever? Would you only entertain an intellectual dialogue with them not allowing them to share their heart? I doubt it. Yet that is often how we treat ourselves.

In this blog series, we are going to look at how to overcome our tendency to obsessively fix ourselves, prioritizing knowledge over relationship, and demanding answers over self-acceptance.

Next week, we will explore the struggles of a woman desiring marriage and how she makes herself a project to be fixed by diving deep into her story of shame around her singleness and confusion around her faith.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 8 (When You Become A Cuckoo, Making Yourself a Project to Fix) of Andrea’s book, The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

USA Today Interviews Andrea on Successful Travel Coping Strategies

Everyone knows that although summer vacations are fun, they are not always restful and relaxing.

Sometimes we return home needing a vacation from our vacation! Traveling can be stressful, especially as people are anxious to get out, visit family and friends, and enjoy some much needed fun.

In a recent piece by USA Today, “Coping Strategies for crazy 2022 travel season: Take a breath and lower your expectations,” Andrea Anderson Polk gives expert advice on how to prioritize your mental health and deal with stress while traveling and vacationing this summer. Andrea is quoted in this excerpt from the article:

"Be mindful," says Andrea Anderson Polk, a licensed professional counselor from McLean, Virginia. She says travelers should regularly ask themselves what they need, what they're feeling, and what they want. "This is not a selfish exercise," she adds. "It is necessary for coping with stress."

Read the entire article HERE !

Are you anxious and stressed about traveling this summer or need help learning how to find peace amid busyness? Or just generally overwhelmed?, Book an introductory session with Andrea today! She has helped hundreds of people overcome barriers and cultivate mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness!

Andrea’s Interview in Authority Magazine on Her Story, New Book, and Self-Acceptance

In a recent interview by Authority Magazine, “How To Learn To Finally Love Yourself,” Andrea

Anderson Polk is quoted in these excerpts from the article:

Decades ago, my healing coincided with my parents’ divorce, which landed me in counseling

during that particularly difficult season of my life. It was not until I began my journey of personal growth and therapy that I felt safe and was finally able to put a voice to my pain and tell my story.

Upon the counseling I received, I felt compelled to pursue it as a career for the purpose of providing freedom that I received myself to others. Since then, I have had the privilege of

meeting with hundreds of clients as a clinician in private practice in my hometown which

continually serves as a nostalgic reminder of the power our stories hold especially in

transforming pain into purpose.

Many of my clients come to counseling wanting tools so they can be fixed. They are in a hurry

and anxious to fix the problem. They do not see the connection between their relational, mental, or emotional issues and frantically wanting to fix themselves so they can be “happy or normal again.”

They are unaware of the past and present pain in their life and how these are affecting

their current issues. These clients desperately want to know things and how to be fixed at the

cost of being known as a person.

Due to this reoccurring patten I see among my clients, I developed a term, “projectizing,” which is a psychological defense mechanism — a deeper and more dangerous form of perfectionism. Projectizing is making oneself a project that needs to be fixed. When we make ourselves a project, we disconnect from our true self because we do not know who we are or what we want, need, and feel. We are anxiously trying to fix ourselves instead. Projectizing is a form of self-attack and is rooted in shame because if we truly loved and accepted ourselves, we wouldn’t treat ourselves as a project that needs to be fixed. Rather, we would view ourselves as a person worthy of love and compassion.

Read the article, HERE!

Are you struggling with self-acceptance, perfectionism, or low self-esteem? Or just generally

anxious or depressed? Book an introductory session with Andrea today! She has helped

hundreds of people overcome self-defeating mindsets and cultivate mental, emotional, and

spiritual health!

Photo, CC

Andrea Publishes Article in Church Growth Magazine on How to Deal with Toxic Relationships

I had the privilege of being published in Church Growth Magazine with my article 5 Steps to Dealing With Toxic Relationships: Guarding Your Heart as You Minister to Needs. Below are excerpts from the article:

“Wounded people have adopted a learned helplessness attitude and lifestyle. Learned helplessness occurs when a person convinces himself/herself that he/she does not have the ability to change. The person develops a victim mentality.”

“Give yourself the same care, time, and attention you have given to the person you sought to help. There has been too much focus on taking care of the other person while you are suffering. It is not a mutual relationship.”

“Perhaps you feel responsible for this person, and you carry his/her burdens. Feeling responsible for another person is a major signal that you are investing into a toxic relationship. These responsibilities may be financial, spiritual, social, mental, physical, or relational. Beware of the person’s attempt to use you for your kindness and take advantage of your generosity.”

Read the article ,HERE

Andrea Publishes Article in The Christian Post on Couples Counseling and Mental Health

I had the privilege of being published in The Christian Post, “How the Church can best help struggling couples,” below is an excerpt from the article:

“Mental health crises are on the rise and people are suffering and seeking help now more than ever. For married couples, the pandemic has only added to the stress. Whether it is abuse and trauma, sudden loss of a loved one, thoughts of suicide, onset of illness, a work-related crisis, infidelity, addictive behaviors, or depression and anxiety – many couples turn to their church community attempting to find help, healing, and restoration.”

Read the article ,HERE!

The photo accompanying this article is from - depositphotos.com" target="_blank" >, DepositPhotos and is in the public domain.

Money Magazine Interviews Andrea on How to Prioritize Mental Health During the Homebuying Process

Everyone knows that homebuying can be stressful, especially in the current climate. While how-to guides on everything from the mechanics of mortgages to the best listing apps proliferate across the internet, few sources address the mental and emotional toll of the experience.

In a recent piece by Money Magazine, “Stressed and Alone: Homebuyers Are Turning to Therapy to Cope With a Wild Housing Market,” Andrea Anderson Polk gives expert advice on how to prioritize your mental health and wellbeing in the stressful homebuying process. Andrea is quoted in this excerpt from the article:

“Monitor your current mindset throughout the day and identify negative thinking patterns by avoiding ‘what if’ statements and imagining worst-case scenarios,” Polk says. “Practice gratitude. Write down three things each day you are grateful for. This will train your mind to look for the good things that are happening in your life and remind you that this, too, shall pass.”

Read the entire article ,HERE!

Are you anxious and stressed about buying a house or making big life decisions? Or just generally overwhelmed?, Book an introductory session with Andrea today! She has helped hundreds of people overcome barriers and cultivate mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness!

Are You Vulnerable & Susceptible to Attracting Toxic Relationships?

In all my years of working with different people as a professional counselor, I’ve observed that there are some who are more susceptible than others when it comes to opening doors to unhealthy relationships with difficult people.

It is important to identify what makes your life prone to attracting destructive or unbalanced relationships. It is most likely because in some capacity, you are willing to give up your own needs, wants, and thoughts; your feelings, your voice, your boundaries - even your hopes and your dreams.

You need to realize that by neglecting yourself, you enable difficult people and unhealthy relationships.

I encourage my clients to take the time to reflect on why they pour out their time, energy and emotions into the kind of relationship that drains them completely as a result of a chronic neglect of their own selves.

Is there something missing inside of you that you are hoping the relationship will heal or fix? Do you have an inherent fear of rejection, abandonment or disappointing others?

Is your identity found in the need to be needed, and subsequently, you abandon your own needs?

Have compassion for yourself.

Do not shame yourself.

You are not alone.

We all have a deep, human need to be loved and cared for.

Yet inadvertently, you lose connection to who you are and what you want in order to care for someone you’ve allowed in your life, receiving little or no reciprocation at all. The relationship is not mutual, it is one-sided.

The first step to healing is understanding and being aware of how you participate in a toxic relationship by allowing it into your life.

You are not responsible for carrying the emotional weight of the relationship.

Resist believing the lie that you are responsible for carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. No one has the power to control you. They can attempt to try to make you feel or act a certain way - only if you allow them.

Toxic relationships often initially come disguised as a seemingly good and healthy relationship, but when you ignore the warning signs, you end up in an endless cycle of suffering, exhausted, and lose precious pieces of yourself.

This isn’t about placing blame on the other person - they are not the problem. It is easy to accuse and use terms like narcissist, crazy, broken, etc. at the person who is hurting you. The problem is the unhealthy relational dynamic between the two of you. Learn to recognize the role you play in allowing harmful relational dynamics.

I often remind my clients that it takes courage and commitment to do the necessary internal work and not blame others. Understanding your pain and confusion is the first step to usher in healing and freedom. Once you become aware of your human vulnerability to this behavior, you can be intentional about making different choices in your relationship.

I encourage you to face the reality of your unhealthy relationship and stop pretending everyone is okay. Face the lies you have been telling yourself. Face the painful emotions you have left buried because your pain contains truth.

Acknowledge the role you play by allowing the toxic relationship to become your primary purpose, rather than having your own purpose and heart’s desire to delight in, bring you joy. and complete you.

Ask yourself these 4 questions:

- Am I encouraging/enabling unhealthy, toxic behaviors?

- Have I allowed this unhealthy relationship to invade my life?

- Am I fulfilling their needs instead of nurturing my own?

- Am I neglecting myself to the point of exhaustion?

Are you vulnerable to attracting toxic relationships? Do you feel like you are stuck and there is no way out?

There is hope.

You can heal regardless of whether or not the other person is willing to do the work.

The only person responsible for your own healing is you.

In my next post, I’ll share 5 initial steps on how to deal with the toxic relationships in your life so that you will learn the necessary tools to help you get unstuck and begin the process of healing and finding yourself again.