Andrea Anderson Polk's Blog, page 4

Who's Your Fantasy Friend?

We’ve all been hurt and we’ve all experienced painful situations and relationships such as heartbreak, the loss of a dream or a loved one, or not getting that promotion or position. Maybe you have recently lost your job, got diagnosed with an illness, gone through a divorce, infidelity, a bad breakup, or regret a missed opportunity to pursue a dream.

Or perhaps it's a past pain that shows up in the present such as anxiety, stress, perfectionism, or overwhelm.

Coping Companions

Coping companions are pain-numbing agents, ways we numb our pain and distract ourselves from pain. They comfort us temporarily when things become hard and painful. However, these companions are not good friends; they are counterfeit friends who leave you empty and alone.

To avoid feeing sad, lonely, and afraid, you make daily choices to numb your pain by overeating, overworking, overdrinking, and overperforming. Perhaps you turn to coping companions such as food, sex, work, television, affairs, gambling, gossip, social media, planning, shopping, alcohol, drugs, and sleep. We become dependent on or addicted to our coping companions because they distract us from our pain.

Although they provide immediate relief, the problem arises when we turn to these coping companions regularly for comfort. Coping companions begin in your imagination. Way before you turn to them for comfort, you fantasize about them in your imagination.

Fantasizing is escaping a painful reality by longing for something and imagining a different set of circumstances or relationships.

Your Fantasy Friend

Due to this reoccurring pattern of fantasizing I see among my clients, I coined the term, “Fantasy Friend,” which is the specific coping companion you turn to for comfort and relief. We call the object of their fantasy- their Fantasy Friend.Fantasy is using our imagination and thought life to avoid the reality of a difficult situation and our corresponding pain rather than facing it.

Fantasy begins with an unmet desire, and because we do not have the thing or relationship we desire in reality, we begin to imagine or fantasize that we do. Essentially, we live in denial. We deny that the circumstances and people in our lives cannot always meet our expectations or give us what we want. Maybe you have a desire for marriage or to be promoted at work, but when your desires go unmet or something or someone does not turn in your favor as you hoped, you escape the pain of disappointment, heartache, and rejection by turning to your Fantasy Friend.

Here's an example:

Your husband has new work assignments, and he is traveling more frequently, including weekends. You begin drinking more in the evenings to cope with your stress of having to operate more like a single parent in addition to your increased household responsibilities. When your husband asks how you are feeling about the transition, you tell him how thankful you are he has this job that provides for your family and that you will make it work. Although this is true, you are avoiding communicating honestly how you are really feeling. Perhaps you fear there is nothing you can do to change the circumstances. Drinking to cope and ignore your underlying pain or pretending like nothing is wrong eventually creates more suffering than the pain itself, such as addictive behaviors, underlying resentment, and marital issues.Your Fantasy Friend does not have to be a substance or an addictive behavior. Your Fantasy Friend can be any type of imagined companion or immediate distraction in your life that you turn to and fantasize about when you are having a bad day or struggling.

God designed our imagination as a powerful, creative function of the right brain. Imagination is a template to hear from him and to see what he sees. Imagination is also a foundation for vision and faith. Rather than use our imagination for good, we visualize our Fantasy Friend which deepens our denial and ultimately leaves us unfulfilled.

Your Fantasy Friend can look like:

A thinner, skinnier version of you A fancy new job, promotion, or position of power and influence A person you desire to be in a relationship with, to pursue you, and pay attention to you A perfectly decorated home in the best neighborhood that everyone envies and admires Traveling to exotic places with no responsibilities or commitments Children attending the top-rated schools and universities Romanticizing a previous version of yourself where you had less stress, more energy, more success, more adventure, more rest, or more time A larger audience: All the claps, follows, friends, and likes

None of these things are bad or wrong in and of themselves. The problem arises when you use them to repeatedly escape reality. The reality of your pain (i.e. insecurities, heartaches, rejections, limitations, and losses).

We suffer when we avoid reality.

Fantasy leads to suffering when we try to avoid pain and the reality of our circumstances by using the defense of denial.

Addiction to Denial

We avoid reality through denial. Living in denial is easier than facing reality. One way we live in denial is by fantasizing. Denial is ignoring reality and pretending that painful emotions do not exist. “Nothing is wrong” or “I feel fine.”Here's an example:

Let’s say you and a close friend have been growing apart over the last couple of years, and instead of accepting the reality that your friend no longer responds to your invitations to spend time together and excludes you from gatherings, you continue to make significant efforts to pursue them. The defense mechanism is denial. You are living in the illusion that nothing has changed. The pain you are avoiding is the feelings of rejection. Perhaps even anger. The reality is that your friend does not want to be with you, and their actions reveal that fact. Rather than living in denial, it is important to go through the grieving process associated with the loss of this relationship. Facing your deeper-rooted fears allows you to start the healing process which includes identifying the lies you believe such as, "I am unworthy" or "I am too much" or "I am not enough."

I've found in my work with clients, that denial is at the root of most addictions. People self-medicate through their coping companions, yet addiction or dependency on those things begins in their imagination. They fantasize about their next success, next meal, next drink, next outfit, next performance, next escapade, or next movie long before they begin any of these activities.

We all have an addiction to denial, to not being present in the here and now.People who struggle with addictive behaviors, (whether it be your performance, a substance, or a relationship), share one thing in common: They are addicted to denial; they want to escape their current reality because it is painful and scary. They do not want to be in the present moment, so they fantasize about an imaginary future. Their drug of choice is denial and their Fantasy Friend is waiting to provide comfort.

We create a fantasy in our minds that keeps us feeling safe, needed, loved, special, and important.

Our Fantasy Friend is an imposter, a temporary fix, and it deceives us away from what is true.

Essentially, we are using fantasy to deny or escape the reality of pain, loss, disappointment, rejection, or heartbreak.Your Fantasy Friend can begin in childhood because you experienced a wound or trauma and coped with the pain by creating a way out through fantasizing about a different set of circumstances. When the unmet need and unresolved pain carries through to adulthood, and when it is repeated enough, we can become addicted to our fantasies, which keeps us stuck in unhealthy relationships with ourselves and others by repeating old, familiar patterns.When we block our pain through denial by turning to our Fantasy Friend, the pain is still there, beneath the surface. The pain is buried alive and will manifest somewhere eventually and significantly impair our relationships, work, and health.

Your Pain Contains Truth

How we deal with our pain is important. Just as we all experience pain, we all engage in unconscious ways to avoid dealing with our pain. Namely, denial, through the use of fantasy. These are called defense mechanisms. Just as we all have pain in our life, we all use defense mechanisms.

Defense mechanisms are the specific ways we lie to ourselves to avoid the reality of painful situations and our corresponding feelings, such as fear, sadness, anger, and grief. Defense mechanisms block truth, but knowing the truth is what sets us free from living in a perpetual state of suffering and feeling stuck repeating the same behaviors over and over again.

Rather than end our suffering by running toward the truth, we run toward our Fantasy Friend, our coping companions.

Your Fantasy Friend is an invisible imposter that invades your thought life and taints your God-given imagination in order to sabotage your heart’s true desires and twist the truth to make it look like your Fantasy Friend will satisfy you and take away your pain.

Fantasy is a distortion of the truth. The truth is conformity to reality, and fantasy is conformity to denial.

"You will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32)Truth is synonymous with reality, and the truth is that the person you are right now is the only person accessible to you. Not some past version of yourself you've romanticized and not some picture- perfect future version of yourself. It is important to learn to accept the reality of who you really are in the present moment. To press into your pain, identify the lies you believe, and face the deepest truths of your life so you can be healed.

What you can name, you can heal. And once you name your Fantasy Friend, healing can begin.

Who or what is your Fantasy Friend?

Next week we will take a look at Rachel's story and how her Fantasy Friend came about after her fiancé unexpectedly ended their engagement. We will look at the specific ways she faced her fears, pressed into her pain, and found freedom.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 5 (What Feeds a Cuckoo? Lies we Believe and Defenses We Use) of Andrea’s book, ,The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from, i,stock, ,and is in the public domain.

Sadness to Joy: The Paradox of Grief, Part 2

In the previous blog post, I shared my story of loss. As a young girl, when my home life became unstable, I sought refuge at my grandmother's house and often stayed the night. She was everything to me. When I was in high school she was diagnosed with liver cancer and passed away within a few short months.

She still had decades to live. I bottled up my pain while others were grieving around me. I was numb. I sat with my family at her funeral and wondered why I couldn’t shed a single tear.

It was one of those traumas that left a very deep mark. Something died inside of me.

A Divine Connection

Scripture reveals a powerful truth about joy and sadness; they have a connection.

Those who sow in tears shall reap in joy. (Ps. 126:5)Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning. (Ps. 30:5)For I will turn their mourning to joy, will comfort them, and make them rejoice rather than sorrow. ( Jer. 31:13)

In my case, after loosing my grandmother (Ga-Ga), I never allowed myself to cry, so I never reaped joy. My unresolved grief grew larger and larger as the years passed. I was unaware at the time, but the sadness did not leave; it was buried and slowly eroded my joy over time. I became numb and I lost myself.

I did not grieve until nearly a decade after Ga-Ga’s passing. I unexpectedly found her purse in my mother’s closet. It had remained untouched since the last time she used it. The purse still smelled like her. I made the heart-wrenching, yet life-changing decision to open it and pull out each item. I was surprised by the number of tears that poured out with each memory. I allowed the waves of sorrow to wash over me. The toothpicks, her red lipstick, her Juicy Fruit gum, the lollipops from the bank, her perfume, a prescription bottle, and grocery lists.

It was as if someone flipped the switch to On after having been off for so long. The switch being my emotions. Much to my surprise, I felt relief. I experienced God’s presence, comforting me like a warm blanket. It wasn’t too late after all. In fact, I was right on time. The intense pain of years of unresolved grief flooded back to me, and God used that moment to bring healing. The good news was, although my joy was missing for years, I have a redemptive and powerful God who was able to restore my joy and who now allows me to help others on their journey of grieving.

Now, in my mind’s eye, I can see Ga-Ga with her glasses hanging around her neck, her bright red lipstick, and her beautiful smile. There was such warmth to her. Her presence brought peace and assurance that everything was OK.

As I share this memory now, my heart still aches to recall it. Before Ga-Ga’s passing, I had never known anyone who had died, and it never occurred to me that suddenly my grandmother would no longer be a vital part of my everyday life. The greatest gift a person can give you is to show you are loved no matter what, you have a safe place you can call home, and you can be yourself without fear of judgment.

Ga-Ga modeled for me the heart of Jesus and what a relationship with him can be like. I do not have my Ga-Ga anymore, but I do have and will always have her memory and an experience of Jesus as my shelter, strong tower, and very present help in time of need (Ps. 46:1).

Grief Is Part of Your Story

Throughout my clinical career, I have learned a powerful and validating truth about grief after meeting with hundreds of clients who came to me presenting symptoms of depression and anxiety, a feeling of being stuck and finding no relief from medication. Because of my own struggles with grieving, rather than solely focusing on my clients’ specific symptoms of anxiety and depression, I now ask them to first share with me the story of their loss.

Loss is not solely about losing a person who passed away. Grief can be related to internal or emotional losses.

The loss might be of a spouse, a family member, a relationship, a career, a home, an unfulfilled dream of marriage or children or a heart's desire that never happened, or an ongoing relationship with a significant other who has left emotionally while still being physically present. Or a parent who is still alive, but estranged. One of the most difficult losses to grieve is for people who are still alive. Healing occurs when my clients feel they have permission to not expend any more emotional energy trying to figure out why they are still grieving or why they are not strong enough to move on. As I mentioned earlier, choosing to grieve in the first place is the most powerful step. Grief is cyclical, it's not a one time thing, and the pain can manifest itself in different ways that can bring confusion if you do not realize grief consists of multiple layers that involve healing. Grief is neither linear nor a black-and-white experience.

Grief is about giving yourself permission to experience the loss in the moment you feel it and not to rationalize it away, not to try to be strong or beat yourself up. “I should be over this by now.” “What’s wrong with me?” It has taken me quite some time to realize, softly and simply, those moments are not a time for self-diagnosis; there is nothing wrong with you.

The loss of my grandmother is part of my story to preserve and to embrace, not just a memory or event to hide in the past. It is part of who I am, and it always will be.

Happiness Is Situational, Joy Is Relational

Happiness is situational because it is dependent on our circumstances. Happiness is externally focused. Joy is an internal state of being that is not dependent on our circumstances. I define joy as a deep-seated place of abiding in our hearts and souls. Being joyful does not mean you are always happy; we can have joy during painful situations, such as loss. Happiness is fleeting, and joy flourishes not only when things are good but also in difficult times such as losing a loved one.

Joy is rooted in our relationship with God, who is bigger than our circumstances. The beautiful part about joy is that we do not have to bring it about in our strength. Joy is dependent on our relationship with God, and he is full of compassion and comfort. A prevalent Greek word for “joy” in the New Testament is chara. Chara means “joy, calm delight, or inner gladness.” The word is also connected to chairo, which means “to rejoice,” and charis, which means “grace.” True joy comes from our relationship with God and relying on his grace to help us overcome painful trials. We can express our grief and pour our hearts out to God when we experience pain.

Choosing joy means choosing to embrace grief. As stated in the Scripture passage at the beginning of this post, "those who sow in tears shall reap in joy." God promises to turn our mourning to joy and to comfort us. Mourning consists of feelings, and being comforted requires something we need comfort from, our pain.

Pain is an inevitable reality of loss, and joy is an inevitable reality of grief.

The Paradox of Grief

The paradox of grief is that it brings joy. It restores our hearts and brings healing to our souls. Grieving is necessary; it is good and cleansing. The lie we believe is that grief will leave us in despair, so we fear it rather than feel it and embrace it. Grief can feel unwelcome, unexpected, and inconvenient. Grief cannot be forced, it must be experienced. Your soul, body, and heart remembers your loss. When the memories surface and the strong emotions well up inside, I encourage you to make the choice to grieve and allow the waves of sadness to roll over you.

The intense pain associated with grief can either frighten you or free you. I invite you to surrender your fear, dread, and doubt and replace them with the hope that as you feel your way into grief, joy will come.

Your life is a masterpiece.

Grief is just one piece put in place precisely by God.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 4 (The Cuckoo of Loss) of Andrea’s book, ,The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from istock and is in the public domain.

My Story: The Paradox of Grief, Part 1

We all experience loss. Loss of a loved one. Loss of a career. Loss of a dream. Loss of a relationship. Loss of ourselves. Grief is a deep sadness and reality-based emotional reaction to loss. When we avoid our grief, it brings additional suffering to an already painful loss and eventually steals our joy.

With my clients and in my own life, I have found that grief is the most debilitating and painful emotion and therefore the most feared and avoided. This is understandably so.

A few times each week I spend my break between clients in my childhood neighborhood, which is less than a mile from my private practice. No matter what changes I go through, good or bad, this neighborhood is always there. It never changes, and this brings comfort. Not that my childhood was all wonderful; it wasn’t. In fact, it was quite painful at times. As I sit on the bench across the street from the house where I grew up, my home until I was fifteen years old, I think to myself that Charles Dickens said it best: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

I consistently sought refuge by being outdoors, running through the woods, playing in the creek, riding my bike, creating forts, and catching fireflies. When I wasn’t spending time with friends and siblings, I spent much of my early years alone with my imagination, which lit up in my own inner world. All those quiet times of solitude allowed me to study people, develop a keen intuition, and form my deep creativity. I found security in who I was and accepted myself as being different from most.

Now I walk the sidewalks of my childhood neighborhood and long for something I can’t quite articulate. There is a deep sense of desire, an ache. The seasons of my life come and go despite my yearning for time to stand still in this moment, yet I know in my heart I cannot stay. This is no longer my home.

When I was growing up, my grandmother (Ga-Ga) lived across the street from my house. She was my safe place throughout my childhood and early teenage years before she passed away when I was sixteen years old. They say nobody is perfect, but she was. I still have a handwritten note she left on my dresser one morning: “You are the very best of everything.” When my home life became unstable, I sought refuge at her house and often stayed the night. We had a familiar routine, and I cherished every minute we spent together. After bath time I would change into one of her nightgowns, instead of the pajamas I had packed, because they smelled like her. I would act silly and prance around the house; she never cared what mood I was in. I could always be myself. It was just me, no parents or siblings to interfere during our special times.

I would lie next to her each night after I had my sugar cookies and milk, and she would run her fingers through my hair for hours until I fell asleep. For years she sat in the same spot on her sofa, every afternoon, watching television while I was outside rollerblading, skateboarding, riding my bike, and playing with friends. It gave me such comfort and security to know she was right across the street.

Ga-Ga was diagnosed with liver cancer and her health deteriorated rapidly. I was in shock; a living nightmare. One afternoon as I was preparing to leave for cheerleading practice, I stopped by to see her and had a daunting feeling it would be the last time. As I looked at her in the hospice bed while I stood in the doorway, I debated staying and not going to practice, telling her how much I loved her and sitting beside her. I left instead. She died that evening, only three months after her diagnosis. She still had decades to live. I bottled up my pain while others were grieving around me. I was numb. I sat with my family at her funeral and wondered why I couldn’t shed a single tear.

It was one of those traumas that left a very deep mark on me.

Something died inside of me.

Unknown to me, on the day I left for cheerleading practice, I had flipped the switch to Off. That switch was my emotions. Sadness. Pain. Fear. Anger. It was easier to live in denial and bury my grief.

Soon after, intense guilt crept in, and for years I was haunted by the memory of not having had a last goodbye with her.

I was not able to put a voice to my grief. Therefore, it did not go away.

For years I lost myself. That carefree, imaginative, creative little girl with the pigtails who could live joyfully outside her circumstances was gone.

I never allowed myself to cry, so I never reaped joy. My unresolved grief grew larger and larger as the years passed. I did not notice it for almost a decade, but the sadness did not leave; it was buried and slowly eroded my joy over time. I became numb and I lost myself. After my grandmother passed, my family would gather in our living room and watch old videos of Ga-Ga while they cried and laughed as they relived the memories we shared with her. I would leave the room immediately before they pressed Play. I thwarted my own process of healing, and I never knew God as comforter in my grandmother’s death. I had mastered the art of cutting off my feelings in earlier pain I had experienced as a child.

Grief and Abuse

Before our present grief experience, we learn very early, as children, to cut off our emotional pain and anger when abuse takes place. This is a survival and coping mechanism. When you are told you are at fault, it is not safe to feel and express the pain inflicted by abuse. That is what abuse does to a person; it causes shame. You learn to analyze your abuser instead of feeling your pain. That’s an attempt to prevent the abuse from happening again, even though the abuser is unpredictable.

This is why grieving our present losses is so important; it can connect us to past unresolved pain and shame to bring healing to those earlier memories.

Where your anger resides, there you will discover buried wounds that need to be healed and unresolved grief that needs to be addressed.

Outcomes of Unresolved Grief

When we avoid our feelings of sadness or do not go through the grieving process, sufferings such as anxiety and depression are common outcomes. In addition to creating suffering, unresolved grief sabotages joy. It is not possible to selectively numb our emotions, because when we numb painful emotions, we numb the positive emotions too.

When we do not embrace the grieving process, we lose our joy. For this reason, joy entails vulnerability because we must risk and develop courage to face our fear and feel our sadness.

A fear of happiness also occurs because we are afraid the other shoe will drop and that our happiness must be too good to be true and won't last.

Due to their unresolved grief, my clients live in fear of being hurt again, which drives them to take back control and self-protect by closing their hearts to everyone surrounding them. This defense mechanism prevents them from experiencing truly rewarding and intimate relationships with others.

I’ve discovered that avoiding the grieving process becomes the undercurrent of much pain being manifested in unhealthy relationships, sabotaging behaviors, and addictions. Grief is not an isolated emotion; it carries with it a wide array of pain, such as sadness, guilt, fear, anger, and doubt. Suppressed pain does not disappear. It only grows deeper, and we become vulnerable to developing ways to numb our pain to cope.

The outcome of not experiencing our grief can also drive us to perfect, perform, and please our way through life. Our self-esteem and identity gets tied to our success and we must constantly prove to others we are worthy. This way of life is a self-protection from pain. Managing an image of perfection eventually leads to imposter syndrome, never feeling good enough, and being disconnected from our true self.

At times, avoiding emotional pain can manifest in physical pain within our bodies because at a deep-seated level it can seem easier to locate and feel physical pain rather than complex emotional pain. I have witnessed countless ways my clients avoid grief, but the emotional pain eventually manifests in their bodies as chronic fatigue, migraines, back pain, muscle tension, insomnia, and other unexplained medical symptoms that no doctor can diagnose with a physical cause.

Confusing Grief

Sometimes we are unexpectedly hit with grief upon making positive decisions, such as ending an unhealthy relationship, leaving a job that no longer brought fulfillment, or moving to a new place we are excited about. Confusion sets in because we are sad about something seemingly progressive and optimistic. We might think to ourselves, Did I make a mistake? If this is something I wanted to do, why am I so sad? We might begin to doubt ourselves and even God. Am I crazy? Did I not hear God correctly?

We grieve when we lose, even if the loss is a good thing.

By facing the reality of our loss, we can grieve what has passed and embrace what we have, wholeheartedly.

Loss is Not a One Time Thing

There is a process connected with grief, because losing someone or something is not an occasion or an event. And it does not happen just once. Grief is like an unwelcomed visitor that comes when you least exepct it. It whispers to us in unexpected ways and moments that take us off guard. There is no right or wrong way to grieve and time does not always heal all wounds. By not experiencing the grief of Ga-Ga's death, it had taken away my joy, too, left me in a daze of numbness. However, by feeling our pain instead of fearing our pain, we can begin to heal.

In my case, decades ago, I had to begin the healing process by accepting the reality that there was more to my life than just pain. I also forgave myself for not saying goodbye to Ga-Ga in the way I had hoped because it was too scary for my teenage self. Slowly the guilt subsided. She would never be forgotten, but I could be forgiven and live my life remembering the power of her love and the mark she has forever left on my soul.

In the waves of grief, there are moments of grace. Allow those waves of sorrow to wash over you and be certain that joy is near and will lift you back up again.

Next week, in the Paradox of Grief, Part 2, I will share my personal journey of overcoming grief and how to turn the sadness of your loss into joy.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 4 (The Cuckoo of Loss) of Andrea’s book, ,The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from, i,stock, ,and is in the public domain.

Struggling With the Winter Blues or Feeling Down and Dreary?

The holiday season has come to a close and the Christmas decorations are put away. The house seems bare which has a somberness that pleases me. There is beauty in barren winter with its return to a simpler existence, relief in the absence of clutter, and a tranquility and quiet order that convenes on this brisk January day. This satisfies my soul.

Most people dread the winter and I embrace it. I find it an excuse to be indoors with a hot cup of tea, relaxing by the fire, with a good book in hand. There is not as much pressure or responsibility to be out and about with people and scheduling activities that fill up the calendar in spring and summer, but instead a sense of being rather than doing. Sitting quietly is always something I’m happy to do. I find it a gift. I carry this mindset with me in every season, but especially in the colder months.

Yet, as January is here again, many of my clients struggle with winter seasonal depression and lack motivation, energy, and feel gloomy most of the time because of the shorter days, the cold, and having to stay inside. Or maybe there are other things that have you feeling down, anxious, or overwhelmed as the new year begins. Whether it’s the winter blues or something else that is weighing on you, my hope is that this post provides you the comfort you need in the months ahead. We are all muddling through this time of year moment by moment.

Winter Wonder

The holiday season can make it difficult to settle. To listen. Especially as we were busy making the seasonal joy a blessing to those we care about and juggling normal duties. I am reminded that the cold, darkness, and quiet of winter is a time for rest. Time to be still, quiet, turn inward and listen to the whisper of our inner voice.

When you go into your feelings and wonderings, what do you discover there? If you find grief, pain, and sadness; embrace these difficult emotions and give them room to speak. Try a pen and paper and let the words spill onto the page in any way they want to. Buried deep within our heart also resides our hidden desires, dreams, and yearnings.

The hand writes what the mouth cannot speak.

Wonder, solitude and simplicity are words I have come to embrace wholeheartedly in the last year. I have taken the time to see beauty in simplicity, to marvel at the precious gifts of everyday life, and celebrate these quiet, unexpected moments in all their wonder. This lifestyle requires living in the present moment. Not waiting for a future moment. We spend too much time waiting for the next thing and we miss what is truly important. Life’s seemingly routine or mundane moments are often where we find healing, joy, beauty, and grace.

I’ll Be Happy When…

So many make the statement, “I’ll be happy when…” This tells me they are not happy now and have not yet embraced the art of enjoying life in the present moment. We wait for spring, for vacation, for a promotion, for success, for someone to fall in love with us, for a perfect marriage, for children, or for life. Yet, we end up missing our entire life. Our life is happening now.

Joy and fulfillment happen when you stop waiting for it and make the most of the moment you are in now. No person, place, or thing can fulfill you and nor do you want it to! Certain relationships, opportunities, and situations come into our life, but they are not designed to be the source of our identity, or make our world.

If you keep waiting for the next thing to be happy – you may eventually become depressed, anxious, envious, resentful, and chronically disappointed. Joy and purpose come from being content and satisfied with yourself and by cherishing the precious gifts each day brings.

I encourage you to change your mindset of I’ll be happy when winter is over and spring arrives or if you’re in a warmer climate, apply this to other areas of life where you find yourself saying, I’ll be happy when…and instead find a reason to be happy now.

If we wait for the future life we want so we can be happy, we lose the life we have now. Rather than saying, “I’ll be happy when…,” make the choice, “I’ll be happy now.”

For me, happiness is this moment sitting here in my cozy clothes by the fire watching the squirrels chase each other in my backyard while enjoying a cup of tea, instead of thinking: I’ll be happy when my book is a New York Times Best Seller. Or, when I launch my podcast. Or, when I host my first women’s retreat. Or, when I can take a vacation. It’s not the big, impressive moments. It’s the small, seemingly insignificant things that ultimately determine our happiness and even our destiny. Therefore, when a thing your heart desires comes to pass it is simply an added blessing and not the source of your identity or happiness.

The Teeny-Tiny Moments

An effective tool I practice in my own life and teach my clients is to keep a daily gratitude journal of the things they are grateful for. The mini-moments of happiness, not the significant successes or milestones. As you get in the habit of looking for the itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny moments of happiness throughout your day, you will train your brain to have a positivity bias. Meaning, you learn to find the good in everything.

What does this look like practically?

When I wake up in the morning, I keep my phone off, make my coffee, and find a cozy place on my sofa with my gratitude journal in hand. I look outside at the beauty of God’s creation, and I let my mind wander to yesterday. I think about all the things that made me smile and brought me joy the day before and I thank God for those things as I write them down. I take the time to unwrap each precious gift and savor them one at a time.

Try writing down in your journal three things you are grateful for and make sure they are very specific. Be as detailed as possible. Remember, it’s the little things. Writing down the big things like, “my job, my children, my spouse, my career, my ministry” does not count. Instead write something like, “a fun, new outfit, the smell of homemade chili, new scented oils for my bath, or discovering a new book”. You get the idea.

My favorite thing to do is go back and read the gratitude journals from previous year. I smile, I’m surprised, I laugh, I cry, and I’m grateful to God all over again. I re-live every gift and it feels like Christmas morning to me. This exercise dramatically increases my faith because as I read 365 days of mini-moments, I am powerfully reminded of God’s goodness, the importanace of His timing, how He provides for me in unexpected ways, how He takes care of me, how He protects me from myself, how the desires of my heart do come to pass, how the things I was worried about never came to pass, and how He pursues me in the most intimate manner possible. If I did encounter hard and painful things, I gained the wisdom to deal with them and had the resiliency to overcome obstacles.

Look for the little things, the teeny-tiny signs along the way, and the still small voice that whispers to your soul.

Most of us want spring to come, yet meditating and resting is essential to our productivity, efficiency, and our ability to think creatively which is why it is important we learn to make room for rest. Whether that looks like setting boundaries such as saying “no” or giving ourselves permission to do nothing.

We can only be our best when we are rested and connected to our inner self (our needs, feelings, wants, and desires). Therefore, it is crucial that we are okay with being and not always doing. This is not only good for your soul, but healthy for your body and keeps your spirit awake to sense God’s still, small voice.

A Purpose for Every Season

“To everything there is a season, and a time for every purpose.” (Ecclesiastes 3:1)

Ask yourself: What is my purpose for this winter season? Or for this season of life in general?

Regardless of what your patterns of busyness are or what your “I’ll be happy when’s” might be, you ultimately miss out on the joy that comes from purpose – knowing who you are and what you want. The good news is that you do not have to run on fumes, live at high captivity, and be driven by internal pressures. It's OK to live in the small moments, the grey areas, the unexpected, AND celebrate the big, impressive dreams and milestones. The difference is that you experience a deep-seated joy of the soul regardless of what season you are in.

Rather than pleasing, performing, and perfecting your way through life, you can be a person of intention, joy, and purpose.

In this last year I celebrated a huge dream and milestone – I wrote a book AND I purposed to set aside time each morning to sit with Jesus, my gratitude journal, and be still. I realized in all my ambitious endeavors I was operating in a state of busyness wherein perfecting, pleasing, and performing were drowning out the still, small voice calling to me and so I slowed down and began to pay attention. Now these sacred mornings have become a non-negotiable time for me (like exercising or eating breakfast) that I protect with an inner confidence that has continually given me joy, peace, and strength to face whatever the day brings.

“In returning to Me and resting you shall be saved; in quietness and in confidence shall be your strength”. (Isaiah 30:15, AMPC)

I invite you to stop the glorification of busy. Resting is not idleness, wasted time, or a sign of laziness as people frequently perceive it. Positioning yourself in a place of rest, both mentally and physically, makes room for your soul to breathe, your thoughts to wander, and your heart to show up. What you find there will amaze you and heal you.

This winter season let’s make space to wonder together and to welcome 2023 by celebrating the precious gifts of everyday life.

If you need help dealing with winter seasonal depression or you want to learn how to truly rest, I invite you to work with me one-on-one.

Do You Have a Toxic Relationship with Yourself? 10 Ways We Self-Sabotage

In a previous post, I created 10 questions designed to help you identify if you are in a toxic relationship. The toxic relationship in your life does not have to be a relationship with another person; it can be the toxic relationship you have with yourself. Meaning, your places of pain show up as an internal battle rather than an external relationship.

So instead of a person who continues to hurt you, use you, or take advantage of you, it is your own unhealthy behaviors, defenses, coping mechanisms, and toxic thinking patterns that are keeping you stuck. Understanding this dynamic can help prevent you from shaming yourself when you keep ending up in the same places over and over again.

The following questions will help you identify if you are in a toxic relationship with yourself:

Is there an area of your life that began as a passion and has increasingly grown into an obsessive preoccupation, crippling perfectionism, or worse, an addiction? (For example, your to-do list, social media, work, volunteering, exercise, cleaning, online dating, shopping.) Is there an area of your life where fear of rejection and failure is preventing you from doing that thing you really want? (For example, writing that book, starting that business/ podcast/ blog, taking that sabbatical, getting involved in that ministry.) Is there an area of your life where you are feeding your ego because you are more concerned with success, keeping up appearances, validation from others, and being the best? Is there an area of your life that initially appeared to be a good thing or a God thing, yet it has left you feeling empty, lost, and lonely? (For example, a ministry, career, project.) Is there an area of your work, home, or social life that has gradually consumed you and become the primary source of your identity, worth and value? Is there an area of your life where you tend to neglect your mental health and emotional well-being and you experience stress and burnout as a result? Is there an area of your life that has overtaken you, and the more you try to control it, the more out of control you feel? (For example, food, drugs, work, TV, drinking.) Is there an area of your life in which you have become driven by your performance instead of guided by your purpose, and where you have lost your peace of mind and joy as a result? Is there an area of your life that originally fulfilled you but now drains you and no longer truly satisfies the longings of your soul or your heart’s deepest desires? Is there a part of you deep down, where you feel resentful and have a strong desire to be alone and numb out?

If you've answered yes to any of these questions, chances are you tend to self-sabotage.

Ways We Self-Sabotage and Why

In my psychotherapy practice meeting with thousands of clients, I’ve discovered that although self-sabotage is a very common experience, most people do not know they are engaging in self-sabotaging behaviors.

You might not realize that the things that are holding you back or getting in your way are actually YOU.

Blaming situations and other people might seem like the answer, but this mindset keeps you stuck in a continual cycle of suffering ultimately leaving you feeling empty, lost, and lonely. The problem may seem like...it's your boss's unrealistic expectations, societal pressures, your friend's lingering disappointment, your demanding career, your never ending to-do-list, or your partner's communication issues, for example. Each of these struggles are symptoms of a deeper-rooted issue that hides from our awareness.

Perhaps it's your inability to set boundaries and use your voice effectively or you do not know how to clearly express your wants, needs, and desires. Or, you are not asking for help because you believe you should have it figured out by now. It could also be your tendency to avoid facing your fears (i.e., fear of failure, fear of intimacy, fear of rejection, fear of happiness), not feeling your feelings, chronic comparison to to others, lies you tell yourself (i.e. I don't deserve to be happy), or harmful ways you cope with pain that are holding you captive.

Self-sabotage can also show up as regular things that become all-consuming and spiral out of control. For example: your to-do list, online dating, cooking, cleaning, exercising, social media, television, sex, work, food, alcohol, shopping, volunteering, and decorating. None of these things are harmful or wrong in and of themselves. The danger comes when they slowly consume your daily life and control you rather than your exhibiting self-control over them and using them in moderation.

You are not a bad person for occasionally using unhealthy coping mechanisms to survive and cope, especially during stressful seasons of life.

Overthinking and overanalyzing everything to the point where you cannot make simple decisions and feel overwhelmed and have lost your peace and joy are also ways we self-sabotage. You obsessively focus on trying to fix yourself and make everything you struggle with a project when the reality is: you are not a problem to solve. You are a person worth of love and compassion.

Self-sabotage can be an area of your life ( a project, a ministry, or a career) that begins as a passion ( a good thing, or even a God thing) and then slowly grow into an obsession and a crippling perfectionism, which can become the sole source of your identity, worth, and value. As a result, you easily feel envious, resentful, competitive, fearful, or push yourself too hard and endure dangerous levels of stress.

A paralyzing perfectionism where you are so attached to the idea of a perfect outcome, that you cannot begin at all, is another way we self-sabotage. For example, writing that book, starting that business, launching that podcast, getting involved in that ministry, taking that vacation or sabbatical, or doing that passion project.

By not doing that dream or project, there is still a chance it could go well.

Therefore, perfectionism says, better to not do that thing at all than to fail, be rejected, or make something "bad." Like many of you, my painful childhood experiences left me with strong perfectionistic tendencies, afraid of failing and determined to do all things flawlessly. I learned I do not need to do that dream or project in a big, impressive way. Perfectionism is like a drill sergeant that drives us internally to meet unrealistic demands and expectations, often paralyzing us.

We have ALL been there.

Here is the most important thing to understand about Self-Sabotage: You are trying to protect yourself from pain. Those hard, scary emotions and memories none of us want to feel. Your unconscious mind seeks to protect you from feeling pain or experiencing failure and rejection by keeping you in predictable, familiar patterns. Even if those patterns are toxic.

Created for Purpose

Regardless of what your patterns of self-sabotage might be, you ultimately miss out on the joy that comes from simple pleasures and enjoying the precious gifts of everyday life. The good news is that you do not have to run on fumes, live at high captivity, and be driven by the pressure of your own expectations. It's OK to live in the small moments, the grey areas, the unexpected, AND celebrate the big, impressive dreams and milestones. The difference is, your inner core, your ego, does not depend on the successes in order to survive: "I'll be nothing without this."

Rather than pleasing, performing, and perfecting your way through life, you can be a person of intention, joy, and purpose.

Self-sabotage is getting in the way of what you were put here to do...you're irreplaceable role in the lives of others, leaving a legacy for the next generation, boldly owning your story of pain to purpose (without shamefully hiding the painful parts), and serving the people in front of you rather than performing for an audience or trying to impress people enough to finally matter to them.

Purpose is about the JOY that comes from serving God and others through your story, authentic connection, and using your gifts. Purpose fulfills a deep desire and calling as you build a life that is is fueled by peace and passion.

If you need help determining the hidden source of your self-sabotage and learn how to unapologetically accept yourself as you are, not as you should be, I invite you to work with me one-on-one.

If you're longing for a friend who has been where you are, wants to listen, and encourages you, my new book, The Cuckoo Syndrome, is for you.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 1 (The Cuckoo in Your Nest) of Andrea’s book, ,The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from, i,stockand is in the public domain.

Christine's Story of Setting Boundaries with a Difficult Family Member

So far in this series on toxic relationships, I created 10 questions designed to help you identify if you are in a toxic relationship in addition to effective communication tools as well as 5 steps to dealing with toxic relationships. Today's post will take a deep dive into how to set boundaries in difficult relationships with family members through Christine's story.

Christine came for counseling due to anxiety and feeling stuck because of a challenging relationship with her younger sister, Sarah. She had two sisters and was very close with her other sister, Mary, whom she considered a best friend. After spending time with Sarah, she would feel drained and emotionally exhausted, but she could not put her finger on why. It took many sessions to help her understand that her anxiety was a symptom that was masking her real emotion of anger toward Sarah.

She felt guilty for preferring spending time with Mary over Sarah. Christine hesitantly admitted, “I leave my time with Sarah feeling hurt and confused. I just don’t enjoy her company.” She felt trapped because she believed she had to make the sacrifice and spend quality one-on-one time with Sarah as she did with Mary. This is because Sarah would constantly compare the two relationships and say, “Why do you always answer Mary’s calls and not mine?” “You text Mary more than you do me.” “You have not invited me over to your place in a while, but Mary was there last week.” “Why do you tell Mary things about your life and not me?”

Out of guilt, Christine would make excuses because she knew Sarah was right, but she did not know how to handle it honestly without hurting Sarah’s feelings. Even in our session, Christine was taking responsibility for Sarah’s emotions at the expense of her own.

Sarah had recently lashed out at Christine for spending time with Mary. When Christine responded by sharing her feelings in a respectful way, Sarah ignored her feelings completely and lashed out again saying, "It hurts me that you would say that." "You don't care about me or you wouldn't feel that way."

Due to their woundedness, difficult people filter interactions with you through a lens of rejection. They are extremely defensive and operate from a position of shame, usually from earlier wounds that have nothing to do with you, so they can go on the attack and do not take responsibility for themselves.

They twist the truth and avoid dealing with facts and become accusatory, critical, or irrationally emotional when you point it out.

If Sarah actually wanted to sit down with Christine and say, “I notice that we are not as close as I hoped we could be, and I would really like to understand why our relationship is not as intimate as the one you have with Mary,” Christine might feel safe enough to be honest and explain in a loving way so Sarah could begin to make amends. However, Sarah made comparisons and sly, critical remarks to get her emotions across without caring about Christine’s feelings.

Sarah preferred to blame Christine instead of take responsibility to examine her own behavior and how she might be contributing to the breakdown of the relationship. Sarah adopted a victim mentality.

Recognize that people who do not respect your boundaries do not want to understand them and therefore cannot honor them.

Be strong. Stand your ground, no matter what reaction you receive or how selfish and guilty you might feel.

It was then that Christine realized Sarah was not a safe person; she only cared about her own feelings, and this was a long-standing pattern. Christine felt a tinge of anger and was quite shaken.

At the same time, Christine felt confused because she understood Sarah’s feelings of rejection and said to me, “I feel guilty because I know she just wants to spend more time together. Shouldn’t I just make the sacrifice? She is my sister, after all.”

Christine made plenty of sacrifices over the years, and it was never good enough for Sarah. Her extended family was also quite close and would get together often. Christine was making sacrifices such as spending time with Sarah at family gatherings, showing an interest in her. life, and occasionally inviting her to group activities such as brunch. But Christine could not see that.

It is important not to sacrifice your time for someone if there is no trust, no mutual respect, no reciprocation, or no compassion for your feelings. Honor your God-given emotion of anger to motivate you to set a boundary, have a voice, be honest, and take care of yourself. The other person is most likely not lying awake at night thinking about you, paying for counseling sessions to deal with their role in the relationship, considering your feelings, or experiencing inner turmoil over how to communicate with you. The person who does not want to do the necessary work to change, but wants all the benefits of a one-sided relationship.

Prior to counseling, Christine was not using her voice or setting the appropriate boundaries. She was doing all the work and called it sacrifice when the reality was that she was not honoring her own needs in the relationship with her sister.

The relationship proved to be hurtful and exhausting; it was always about Sarah’s needs and Sarah’s feelings.

Christine was turning her anger back on herself rather than giving herself permission to be angry toward Sarah. “Do you think Sarah is spending the time and money in counseling concerned with your feelings the way you are with hers?” I asked Christine.

“Absolutely not,” she replied. “She would never do that because she only thinks about herself.”

I said, “So it sounds like you are saying Sarah does not take your feelings into consideration, and she operates from a place of self-pity when she talks to you?”

Christine was able to see how her anxiety and feeling of being trapped in the relationship were masking her anger. It took her some time to allow herself to feel the anger toward Sarah because she was protecting Sarah’s feelings even in our counseling session.

We did a role-play scenario in which I was Sarah. “Well, you just prefer Mary over me,” I said and then asked Christine, “What would you want to say back to Sarah honestly, without fearing her response?”Christine said confidently, “Yes, there is truth to that because you have broken my trust many times and have never sincerely apologized. I also don’t feel safe to share my feelings with you because you shut me down. Therefore, our relationship is not mutual since you dump all your feelings on me and do not give me the same respect.”

Christine felt freedom and relief acknowledging the truth that her relationships with her sisters were not at all the same. She felt newfound permission to pursue her relationship with her other sister, Mary, free of fear and without taking responsibility for Sarah’s reaction and feelings.

At a deeper level, she realized her thoughts about Sarah were stealing the joy from her beautiful relationship with Mary. She also was drained from having to continually make excuses and hide her plans with Mary. Christine chose to spend time with Sarah solely during family functions and holidays because the relationship was not one of mutual respect and she could not trust Sarah with her heart. Furthermore, she followed her instincts about who she wanted to have a deep, meaningful relationship with and she no longer felt guilty or selfish for not pursuing people in which she felt hurt, used, or misunderstood.

If you need help navigating through a difficult, painful relationship and need help setting boundaries, then I invite you to apply to work with Andrea one-on-one now.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 2 (Stuck in Cuckoo Land) of Andrea’s book, The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

**Christine' story is a fictional composite based on the author's clinical experience with hundreds of clients through the years. All names are invented, and any resemblance between fictional characters and actual persons is coincidental.

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from, i,stock, ,and is in the public domain.

5 Steps to Dealing with Toxic Relationships

So far in this series on toxic relationships, I created 10 questions designed to help you identify if you are in a toxic relationship. I also created a tool that helps you understand emotional abuse and provides helpful communication tools. Below is a summary describing the warning signs of toxic relationships.

Warning Signs and Characteristics of Toxic Relationships: They seek to control every area of your life. You do not feel heard, seen, or known. You feel manipulated, and your gut is telling you something is not quite right. They blame you for things that are not your fault. You feel responsible for carrying the emotional weight of the relationship. They try to monopolize your time and consume a lot of your energy. They are more of a taker than a giver and do not give back to you in the same way. You are unable to have a rational conversation with this person because simple things become very complicated. They are never satisfied, no matter how much you try to love, help, and please them. You feel you have been gradually deceived over a period of time, and you realize this person is not who you thought they were. They twist the truth and avoid dealing with facts and become accusatory, critical, or irrationally emotional when you point it out.

The following are 5 steps that provide you with a helpful strategy for dealing with toxic relationships:

1. Honor your reality. Be honest with yourself and face the truth.

People in toxic relationships seek to establish a dynamic where you question your reality and sanity through their process of manipulation, deceit, and control. Therefore, you become vulnerable to believing this person’s lies and consequently cannot see the reality of their harmful behavior.

It is important to listen and pay attention to how you feel when this person speaks to you. The first step in honoring your reality is to be honest with yourself.

Give yourself a reality check. Ask yourself questions such as:

What am I really experiencing? Am I being lied to? Is something seriously wrong here? What are my gut and intuition telling me? Is something not OK? Am I experiencing gaslighting? Do I say yes when I really mean no?

Facing the truth that you are involved in a toxic relationship allows you to accept reality and let go of the lies you are told by this person as well as the lies you tell yourself. Perhaps you tell yourself a lie such as “I should just try harder, have more faith” rather than facing a marriage that is falling apart.

You must devote yourself to facing the deepest truths you have avoided in painful relationships. Reach out to a safe person you trust and tell your story because we need other people to see things we cannot see within ourselves.

2. Stop doing their work. Switch the focus from them to you.

The first step in switching the focus from them to you is to stop trying to convince them of their hurtful behavior (trying to get them to get it) especially if they do not care. Is it a mutual relationship? Is this person investing their time and energy to genuinely change?

Or, you feel responsible for this person, and you carry their burdens. These responsibilities may be financial, spiritual, social, mental, physical, or relational. Beware of the person’s attempt to use you for your kindness and take advantage of your generosity. The more you give of yourself, the more the toxic relationship will take from you.

Being in a relationship does mean you are responsible for another person. Feeling responsible for another person is a major signal that you are neglecting yourself.

It is important to note that switching the focus to yourself is not selfish because the relationship is one-sided where you are the one doing all the work. I often tell my clients, if you feel guilty or selfish, that is how you know you are on the right path to finding yourself again.

Difficult people tend to adopt a learned helplessness attitude and lifestyle. Learned helplessness occurs when a person convinces themselves that they do not have the ability to change. Instead, they manipulate other people to do their work. They develop a victim mentality. In a toxic relationship, they want you to do the work for them.

To overcome your tendency to put a toxic relationship’s demands and needs above your own, regularly check in with yourself by asking these questions:

How do I feel?What do I think?What do I need?What do I want?

Give yourself the same care, time, and attention you have continually given to the person. There has been too much focus on taking care of the other person while you are suffering.

3. Set boundaries and use your voice effectively.

Good boundaries are objective, simple, and clear. Setting a boundary is an action or behavior change on your part.

Having a voice is just as it sounds: Use your words. For example, start by saying no.

Hold your boundaries. Recognize that people who do not respect your boundaries do not want to understand them and therefore cannot honor them.

Be strong. Stand your ground, no matter what reaction you receive or how selfish and guilty you might feel.

Having a voice can sound like the following:

“I am not asking for feedback right now.” “I need time to think on that. I’ll respond when and if I am ready.” “I’d rather not explain myself or give reasons for my decision.” "Rather than stopping by unannounced, please ask me first if it's a good time to come over."

In my work with clients, I’ve found the following boundaries helpful when dealing with toxic relationships:

You are allowed to have a voice. You are not the rescuer in every crisis. You do not need to defend yourself. You do not need to explain every situation. You are allowed to have space.

Due to their woundedness, difficult people filter interactions with you through a lens of rejection. They are extremely defensive and operate from a position of shame, usually from earlier wounds that have nothing to do with you, so they can go on the attack and do not take responsibility for themselves.

The person might say they want to heal, need your help, and want to change, but time will tell if the person’s actions correspond to their words. The crucial element is for you to do your part by setting boundaries and using your voice effectively in the relationship. If you do those behaviors, you are going to find out whether the person will change or not.

4. Validate your emotions and express your needs.

Validating your emotions means being honest with yourself about what you are feeling and learning how to honor your feelings. Here are examples of emotions my clients feel when involved in toxic relationships:

Grief, lost parts of yourself and your dreams Pervasive guilt that you cannot put your finger on Shame, always feeling as if you are doing something wrong Rejected, unloved, and no longer cherished, pursued, or cared for Sadness, a chronic sensation of emptiness Fear, walking around with a cloud of dread hanging over you all the time You feel anger and are punished when you show it

It is important to share your feelings and thoughts with this person. Do you feel known, loved, and cared for by them? If the answer is consistency no, this could be an indication it's time to reevaluate the relationship.

In toxic relationships, the other person consistently invalidates your emotions and dismisses your needs. For example, when you share how you're feeling, they might respond: "That hurts me that you would say that." "You are criticizing me." "You don't care about me or you wouldn't feel that way." "You are being selfish." "You are being insensitive." "You are disrespecting me." Essentially they twist your emotions and make it about them, and they usually get defensive rather than trying to understand.

You have the right to feel what you are feeling. We each have an emotional compass to help guide us to know our personal values and an inner sense of what is right or wrong for us. The same is true for expressing our needs.

Expressing your needs can sound like:

When I wake up, I need 20 minutes of quiet time every morning to journal, pray, and meditate. I need to go for a walk every day after work to move my body and clear my head. I have an important work project due. I need you to take care of the household chores this week so I can meet my deadline. This weekend, I'm planning on having a day date just for me. I need you to not make plans with friends or family. When I share an issue I'm struggling with, I need you to listen to me vent instead of trying to fix it. I need some alone time before bed to zone out and relax, would you mind not interrupting me? I need words of affirmation; it would mean so much if would you compliment me more often.

Unmet needs can lead to resentment, burnout, and anxiety. Healing comes when we identify our needs and how to meet our needs. Other people can not meet our needs until we learn to communicate them. This takes practice and overcoming fear, doubt, and guilt because most of us are used to putting others' needs above our own.

Consistently stating your needs leads to mutually loving and giving relationships that are not one-sided.

Most of us go through life disconnected from our true selves and unaware of who we are, what we feel, and what we need. This is largely due to our childhood, when we were taught, implicitly or explicitly, by our parents and caregivers to ignore or deny our needs and feelings in order to gain acceptance or avoid punishment. This pattern can repeat itself in our closest relationships.

This is why it is so important to be connected to yourself. When you do not know what your feelings and needs are, you do not know how to communicate with them effectively or how to express your needs in healthy ways. We must learn to pay attention to the valuable information they provide in order to help protect us from being taken advantage of in relationships.

5. Seek professional help. Create a strategy with knowledgeable experts.

Many of my clients who are in toxic relationships ask me if that person will ever change, get better, or heal. My response is: “People can change, but you cannot change them.” I am not disregarding the fact that people can change if they are willing to do the necessary work, but people must actually want help and want to change.

The person might say they really do want to change, but time will tell if their actions correspond to their words. The crucial element is for you to do your part by honoring your reality, setting boundaries, using your voice effectively, stating your needs, and validating your emotions.

If you find yourself in a difficult, painful, or exhausting relationship with another person and feel stuck, I encourage you to seek help from a counselor to assist you in the process of advocating for yourself and expressing your emotions in a safe and compassionate environment. You will learn specific tools to help you know how to deal with the toxic relationship.

Even the most intelligent, compassionate, and spiritual people have difficulty knowing the difference between a toxic relationship and a healthy relationship. It can be tricky.

Lastly, release yourself from carrying the emotional weight of the relationship alone at the expense of losing yourself and your unique purpose because the toxic relationship has become your purpose. Often times we lose ourselves when we consistently try to fix, please, enable, or rescue someone else.

If you are wrestling with the difficult question, “Should I stay or leave the relationship?” this 2-part series will help you determine the answer.

If you need help navigating through a difficult, painful relationship or you are experiencing toxic therapy, then I invite you to apply to work with Andrea one-on-one now.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 2 (Stuck in Cuckoo Land) of Andrea’s book, The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from istock and is in the public domain.

7 Warning Signs of Your Partner’s Toxic Behavior in Therapy

In the previous post, I identified 13 warning signs of toxic therapy designed to help you know when a therapist is displaying harmful behavior in your counseling sessions. Today we will look at how to recognize when your partner’s behavior in therapy is toxic.

The last thing you want is to feel just as disillusioned and confused in therapy as you did before therapy. Perhaps your intuition is telling you something is not right about the counseling process and how your partner is behaving.

If you are in couples therapy, here are 7 warning signs to help you identify your partner's toxic behavior that can occur during counseling sessions:

#1: They tend to jump from therapist to therapist; firing the therapist if they disagree with how things are going and do not want to be held accountable.

#2: Their behavior never changes. They know how to talk the talk.

#3: They are manipulative and attempt to deceive the therapist with their charm and lies.

#4: They have a hard heart and are not teachable and do not take responsibility for any of their behavior.

#5: They focus the sessions entirely on you and what you are doing wrong.

#6: They are unwilling to do their part to actively participate. You are the one doing all the therapy work.

#7: They act a completely different way in counseling than they do at home. They are performing and putting on a show for the therapist and seeking to win the therapist’s approval.

I encourage you to use these warning signs as a guide in your sessions and bring them to your therapist’s attention. Share with your therapist how your partner is behaving at home outside of the counseling sessions. This is especially true if the toxic behavior patterns (i.e., lying, control, manipulation, abuse, cheating) continue to repeat themselves, even though your partner is telling the therapist things are going well. If this is the case, initiate a private phone call or request a solo counseling session with your therapist. Let your therapist know how you are feeling at this point in your treatment process.Give your therapist an opportunity to address the problem. You might feel your therapist and your partner have partnered up and are building a case against you and creating an agenda that is not based in reality. If you find after discussing these dynamics with your therapist that you cannot trust them, trust your intuition. It is OK to end counseling with your therapist. You can say to your therapist, “Thank you for taking the time to work with me, but I do not feel this is a good fit. Can you recommend other therapists who specialize in________ (whatever the issue is)?”

If your therapist disregards your concerns, you may be experiencing,, toxic therapy. It is important for you to do your research and find additional counseling options outside of your therapist’s recommendations.

Experiencing toxic therapy creates an unsafe environment because you are submitting yourself to the therapist's authority in the most vulnerable, intimate way and trusting their clinical expertise. And if they abuse that authority, you are no longer safe under their counsel. If your partner is unwilling to go to another therapist, you may seek individual counseling to help you. If your partner asks you what you are talking about with your therapist, gently let them know you are working on your issues and how you feel.

Your therapist will help you address the complexities of your situation and will guide you into the process of developing a strategy. The therapeutic focus will be on what you are learning about yourself instead of attacking, defending, or placing blame on your partner.

If you are wrestling with the difficult question, “Should I stay or leave the relationship?” this 2-part series will help you navigate how to determine the answer. The following posts provide additional help in defining a healthy counseling relationship: what makes a therapist a ,good, therapist and the purpose of therapy.

It takes tremendous courage to continue the healing process, especially when it seems as though you are the only one willing to do the necessary work to change. You are not alone. Having a good therapist partner with you in your struggles is the way breakthrough and lasting transformation happen.

If you need help navigating through a difficult, painful relationship or you are experiencing toxic therapy, then I invite you to apply to work with Andrea one-on-one now.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 9 (Cuckoo Counsel, Who Hurts You and Who Can Help You) of Andrea’s book, The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from, i,,stock,, ,and is in the public domain.

What is the Purpose of Therapy and Do You Need It?

The previous post, identified ,13 warning signs of toxic therapy designed to help you know when a therapist is displaying harmful behavior in your counseling sessions. I also discussed ,what makes a therapist a good therapist and how to define a healthy counseling relationship. In today’s post, we will dive deeper into the purpose of therapy and help you determine if it's time for you to begin therapy.

Decades ago, the reason I pursued my purpose as a therapist is because of my own experience of lasting transformation through therapy. People helped me face my pain in a safe and compassionate environment. Facing the deepest truths of my life during that season of therapy set me free and brought tremendous healing. Because of painful childhood moments and the sudden loss of a close family member, I needed someone to sit with me while I sat with myself; I was used to enduring and carrying my pain alone.

Healing Happens in Relationship

Therapy is a relationship, not a formula or a technique. How can it be a technique when we’re dealing with the heart and soul of another person? When I counsel my clients, we do not dialogue about their circumstances. I access their deep, innermost emotions and desires. As a therapist, I do not relate to my clients’ symptoms or their diagnoses. There is a person beneath those issues with a story of personal pain.

In therapy we discover that healing happens in relationship. The wounds that occurred in relationship must be healed in relationship.

Therapy is not merely a conversation; it is a relationship between two people. Therapy is not something that happens to us, it is something that happens through us. Genuine transformation and healing happens when we do the courageous work. There is no such thing as a quick fix when it comes to healing wounds in our soul and abiding in our heart’s desires. There are no shortcuts, 5-step solutions, or tool kits.

The healing process in therapy is about identifying the lies we tell ourselves, letting go of our defenses and excuses, and creating authentic relationships with others and ourselves. The work is hard, but it’s the right kind of hard. We do not know ourselves by ourselves. Having a safe and trustworthy person such as a therapist, in a one-on-one setting who partners with you in your struggles is the way clarity, healing, and breakthrough manifest. The therapeutic relationship is about co-creating deep experiences and lasting change.

Truth Leads to Freedom

My clients experience issues such as anxiety, depression, chronic stress, insecurity, and relationship difficulties. Beneath their suffering are the lies they are believing and the emotions they are avoiding. A therapist helps us to see those lies that are invisible to us and the unnecessary suffering they inflict.

Many of our problems are rooted in the ways we have unconsciously learned to avoid the truth: the truth of who we are, who others are, and who God is. Avoiding truth will never bring freedom; it will only bring suffering.

What is the purpose of therapy? Truth. And if it does not lead to freedom, it’s not truth.

How do I know? Jesus said so: “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free.” (John 8:32).

We learn the truth in therapy. Before the truth can set us free, we must identify what lies are holding us captive. Most often it’s the lies we tell ourselves, the lies of others, and the lies of the enemy. A therapist helps you experience truth by facing the reality of your difficult situations and painful relationships. Such as the loss of a loved one, divorce, heartbreak, rejection, or the end of a career.

Each one of us tell ourselves lies to avoid pain or because we are afraid: it’s part of what makes us human. Perhaps we tell ourselves a lie such as “I should just try harder, have more faith” rather than facing a marriage that is falling apart. Or, “I’m not that busy” rather than addressing chronic body pain, sleep issues, fatigue, and not prioritizing the relationships of those within the four walls of your home.

In therapy, we explore the lies that hold us captive so we can embrace the truth that sets us free.

This is why seeking therapy is important because we need someone outside of ourselves to help us face the pain we avoid, the fear that keeps us stuck, and the lies we believe. Our pain contains truth. As a therapist, I am committed to helping my clients face the deepest emotional, relational, mental, and spiritual truths of their lives so they can be healed and live free.

You Do It All

Most days, you are experiencing internal pressure and relational pressure occurring simultaneously. Balancing your needs with the needs of others who depend on you.

You really invest yourself deeply both in your relationships and your work – whether it be a career, ministry, or a passion project.

You are high achieving, self-motivated, and your own worst critic. You put a great deal of pressure on yourself to do all things well and often feel as though you have not done enough.

You are intelligent, conscientious, and hard-working; you do it all. You have an intense inner drive to succeed in business, family matters, and community-related endeavors. The truth is, underneath, you battle insecurity, doubt, and fear.

From the outside looking in, you’ve got it together or you’re living your dream.

What people don’t see is that you are burned out, fatigued, struggle with frequent bouts of depression, and are anxious most of the time. Or, perhaps you don’t spend as much time as you want with the people closest to you – or even those within the four walls of your home.

The good news is, you no longer have to go through life depleted and tied up in one-sided relationships that drain you. Or, anxiously driven by your own perfectionistic tendencies. Identifying these patterns or relationships is the first step to healing and freedom.

Growth is not always pleasant, nor is the healing process pain-free, but neither is living with one-sided relationships or constant overwhelm in your life that creates unnecessary suffering day after day.

Many of my clients can relate. They are ambitious men and women who are leaders in their communities, pastors, business owners, or stay-at-home mothers who do it all – the carpool, homework help, run errands, participate in school activities, attend church functions, and serve in ministry.

I work closely with my clients and take a very active role in addressing how they are stuck so they can live an abundant, meaningful life. Therapy will take you on deep dive of your heart and soul, help you face your greatest fears, find healing, and move from pain to purpose so you are not only free, but happy.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 9 (Cuckoo Counsel, Who Hurts You and Who Can Help You) of Andrea’s book, ,The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from Shutterstock and is in the public domain.

What Makes a Therapist a Good Therapist?

In the previous post, we identified 13 warning signs of toxic therapy designed to help you know when a therapist is displaying harmful behavior in your counseling sessions. In today’s post, we will discuss what makes a therapist a good therapist and how to define a healthily counseling relationship. Many of my clients seek counseling after having been in therapy for years and suffering without experiencing significant symptom relief and without lasting healing after multiple therapists have failed. After a few sessions with me, they say, “I’ve felt a freedom here that I never experienced in three years of counseling with my other therapists after just three sessions with you! How do you do that?”My response is simple: “I’m not trying to fix you.”So what makes a therapist a good therapist? A good therapist has gained innate wisdom from the pains of their own life that can be gained in no other way, but there is more to it than that. To fully answer this question, I need to clarify the purpose of therapy. A therapeutic relationship cannot be purely a method, a technique, a regimen, or something done to us. Something must happen through us. As we discussed in this post, “Are You Trying to Fix Yourself?,” you do not need to be fixed. You are not a problem to solve or a project; you are a person. The purpose of therapy is to help you, not fix you.A good therapist does not simply discuss our thinking patterns, because therapy is not a head-to-head relationship or simply an intellectual conversation where the client does all the talking and the therapist does all the listening. Therapy is also not about giving advice. Therapy requires a working relationship of mutual engagement between the client and the counselor.

A good therapist does not rely on knowledge alone, because awareness and understanding in and of itself is from the head, which will not heal the deep pain in our hearts.

It is not an intellectual knowing that brings transformation; healing comes from experiential, intimate knowing. Head knowledge can never be a substitute for relationship. I invite my clients into a relationship, which is the foundation for successful therapy. This is how lasting healing occurs.

What Does the Counseling Process Entail?

It is important to recognize at the beginning of your counseling process, you might feel afraid, uncomfortable, and unsure. You may falsely believe the changes you are making in your life are not good just because they do not feel good. Bringing awareness to your unhealthy relationships, toxic thinking patterns, and self-sabotaging behaviors exposes underlying wounds, trauma, and painful emotions you have buried for years.

When you start healing intensely, you will feel intensely.

Having a safe person sit with you in your pain can help put words to what you have been experiencing, so you no longer feel alone and confused. Just remember, once you begin to do the work, you might feel worse before you feel better.

I experience this with my clients and remind them that feeling worse and uncomfortable means they are making progress. That is something to celebrate because healing is taking place and they are slowly becoming free and unstuck as they allow their hidden issues to come to the light so they can be dealt with.My clients understand there is no magic wand. A counselor is not a magician. People are often too afraid to look at their pain because they do not know how to deal with it. So many people do not understand their own suffering. They want their counselor to fix them or fix their relationship, and they get frustrated when they realize healing and transformation is an internal process that takes time and hard work.

It Will Be Hard, but It Will Be the Right Kind of Hard

Counseling is a safe place to continue to work through the healing process and to feel your feelings, confront your fears, and face the deepest truths of your lives so you can be healed. This requires you commit to doing the necessary psychological and relational work with a therapist to co-create a strategy for change and lasting transformation.An expected part of the counseling process is the tendency to want to revert to old patterns of relating. “This is too hard. I’d rather just go back to the ways things were.” This is a normal response once my clients reach a particular point in their therapy,As you embark on the journey to freedom in your counseling work, it can be intense because you are learning to deal with deep-seated hurt. It can feel scary at times, especially as you begin to uncover the lies you believe about others and yourself and no longer avoid your painful emotions. As a therapist, I invite my clients to experience the truth of who they are underneath their coping mechanisms, excuses, and defenses.

Therapy shows us how facing what we avoid can heal us.

Many clients leave counseling because they become too afraid. Often they resume their sessions when their suffering has overtaken them completely or they are in a state of crisis. Fear of being overwhelmed, of not getting better, or fear of losing the relationship with a person, whom they love, is normal and to be expected.

Typically, it is easier to go back to what is familiar and comfortable, even though it is unhealthy, rather than facing the fear of the unknown and the underlying pain that has been buried for so long. It takes courage and endurance, with the help of a therapist, to embrace the healing process. By choosing to face what you have been avoiding or hiding from, you choose to heal.

Once my clients stay the course of their treatment, they no longer feel overwhelmed, depressed, stuck, or anxiously trying to fix themselves. Freedom becomes their reality. They begin to experience healing, accept themselves, transform their pain into purpose, and create a better life.

Next week, we will dive deeper into the purpose of therapy and how healing happens in relationships because the wounds that occurred in a relationship must be healed in a relationship.

**The content for this blog post has been taken from chapter 9 (Cuckoo Counsel, Who Hurts You and Who Can Help You) of Andrea’s book, ,The Cuckoo Syndrome: The Secret to Breaking Free from Unhealthy Relationships, Toxic Thinking, and Self-Sabotaging Behavior

The photo accompanying this article was sourced from Shutterstock and is in the public domain.