Andrea Anderson Polk's Blog, page 2

Boutique Intimate Retreats + When God Moves Suddenly

I’m thrilled to announce I am now offering Boutique Intimate Retreats for women!

Specifically, for you and your close friends. I’ll come to you, or you can come to me.

My charming weekend getaway cottage – a tranquil haven located in a private, gated club tucked away about 40 minutes outside DC – offers an exclusive guest experience equip with high-end service, serene surroundings, and luxurious amenities. 

Or, if you already have your own favorite getaway spot or weekend home that is central and convenient for your friends - I’ll come to you. Whether it’s Nashville, New York, LA, or another city - you pick the venue, the place, and I’ll be there with my suitcase!

(If you’re a man and think this email won’t apply to you – trust me, the “God moves suddenly” part will. So, keep reading!)

The purpose of this blog post is to share my faith story of how Boutique Intimate Retreats came about.

This is where many of YOU are involved.

Whether you are a client, friend, or colleague – here’s what you’ve been saying:

“Getting together with my group of friends is challenging with our conflicting schedules. I’d love for us to be accountable to an expert and get something on the calendar without having the stress of planning it. We are all so busy. It would be great to have someone we know and trust who is trained and available to facilitate our time together.”

“My close friends and I travel with our husbands which is great, but it’s not the same as girlfriend solo time. The conversations are just…different. There are some things only women understand. I’d love to have a girlfriends-only trip and invite an expert who can help us get to the heart of things and have fun!”

“I love my therapist and benefit from our sessions, but sometimes I wish my friends could know me this well. Ask these types of questions. Help me see things I’m not aware of. And I could do the same for them. I wish my therapist could regularly join my friend group.”

“I have a blessed life. A great family for the most part. I’m financially stable. Have a successful career…God’s done so many good things, but I need to be honest about some things that are hard. It’s challenging to say how I truly feel without feeling like I’m ungrateful or complaining. I’d love to gather a group of my friends and really talk. Maybe even bring in outside help. I want to make sure I’m not alone in this.”

“My Bible study is great, sometimes we read a book or go through the Bible, we pray for each other, yet I’m really needing more emotional connection; to go beyond the spiritual part. To learn how to apply faith to my daily life. I want to discuss real and practical things too, you know?”

“I occasionally meet with my favorite friends for coffee or brunch, but it’s not enough time to really connect and we’re constantly interrupted by the waiter, the restaurant is noisy, and we have limited time due to other commitments planned that day.”

“I invite friends over to sit in the comfort of my living room or outdoor space hoping to really talk, but my work phone is distracting, the dog is needing a walk, or the kids need my attention. We keep getting sidetracked.”

“I’m in a small group, yet we can’t seem to get to the core issues. It’s become routine and a bit stagnant. Mundane even. We always discuss the same old issues.”

“I love my besties but sometimes I feel stuck trying to help them. I feel tempted to fix the situation. I’m not sure if my advice is helpful. And they are great listeners too, but I find myself wondering what a professional would say. Someone to help us all get unstuck and go even deeper.”

“I’m a forward-thinker and let’s face it, I’m getting older. I want to have space to prepare and dream so I’m ready when this new season arrives. I’ll always be a (wife, mother, businesswoman), but I find myself wondering what will fill that void and inspire me in my next phase of life? I’d love to have a place to discover what’s ahead in my future with friends who know me well along with an objective, outside perspective to help facilitate.”

I hear you.

My greatest heart’s desire is to provide a safe place for like-minded women of shared faith and ambition to intentionally gather.  

Throughout my clinical career, I’ve had the privilege of helping hundreds upon hundreds of clients find healing and confidently gain the courage to live the life they really want.

Utilizing over twenty years of clinical expertise as a therapist coupled with my theological training, biblical wisdom, and my own lived experience – I want to create something luxuriously high-end and confidential, yet intimate and deep.

My vision for this sanctuary-esque space is to provide women with an upscale and exclusive getaway among nature to be privately pampered in cozy comfort.

After years of soul searching and praying over my dream and vision, I kept hearing a quiet voice whisper within, retreat. Over time, prominently successful people whom I respect heard the same thing! Then suddenly, it came together, and my dream became a reality.

Force an Ishmael or wait for an Isaac?

When I feel a strong intuitive pull to create something new, I’ve learned (the hard way) to pause and let my dream simmer rather than go full force Type- A- Andrea into making it happen in my way, in my time.

What I mean by the hard way is that the ambitious, creative, entrepreneur in me has “birthed” Ishmaels (inevitable hardships) rather than wait for my Isaac (God’s promise).

I have compassion for Abraham and Sarah. It must have been difficult to receive a promise from God (you shall be the father of many nations, and I will bless Sarah and give you a son also by her) coupled with a vision (look up at the sky and count the stars; that’s how many descendants you will have)…despite their impossible circumstances (Sarah past child-bearing years)…only to get excited and then nothing happens.

Instead of continuing to wait and trust God’s promise, they lean to their human understanding and take matters into their own hands (Ishmael is conceived by Sarah’s maidservant). You know the Bible story.

I can totally relate to how hard it is to wait on God and trust His promises when nothing appears to be happening. And then decide to make it happen. Been there done that.

Later, because of God’s mercy and faithfulness - when Abraham was 100 years old, Sarah conceived. The Lord did for them as He had promised, she miraculously became pregnant, and Isaac was born.

The Scriptures tell us to walk by faith, not by sight (2 Cor. 5:7). Walking by faith is not for the faint of heart.

My secret superpower

I am a “follow my intuition” kind of person. I’ve learned that intuition doesn’t give me multiple steps. It just tells me what the next step is. Then I take one step of faith at a time. The science geek in me has researched the sh*t out of gut instinct. Biologically speaking, trusting our gut is essential to our health. I love when science aligns with scripture which validates my convictions which confirms my intuitions. I feel like a total nerd as I’m typing this.

Anyway…

My secret superpower is my intuitive wisdom. I’ve been told over the course of my life that I have “an uncanny ability to hit the bullseye of the heart.” And to help people get unstuck and find the pit bull like courage to pursue what they really want...by being unapologetically themself. My confidence in them becomes contagious.

They can't help but experience how eerily and accurately my words of wisdom capture their soul. A close colleague will text me saying, "I need you to Andrea-me." There's no greater joy. 

This happens because I am fully present with the people in front of me. They have my undivided attention. Nobody exists outside of their time. I stop caring about everything I need to do next. 

My friends laugh because when I meet someone, I know their soul within seconds and I’m way too intuitive to be mistaken.

My husband, on the other hand, is not laughing. I say with a smirk. Months or years later, he tells me – well, you were right about this person…again. He does recognize it’s my protective heart toward him and he’s ultimately grateful.

When it comes to myself, specifically passion projects and professional endeavors - I must be careful not to use this gift of intuition God has given me and step out ahead of His timing.

When, God, when!?

Birthing our dreams must be like giving birth. Conceiving it is the fun part. Then you go through out-of-your-mind labor pains, self-doubt, fear, tears, laughter, looking stupid, and losing sleep. And wonder why you birthed it in the first place. Then you experience epic moments of bliss and awe.

Many times, in the past, I have intuited something I know is God’s purpose and then after waiting a while, force it to happen - birth it prematurely -only to have it fail. Insert my Ishmaels. And become disappointed and confused (and let’s be honest, mad at God).

I can humbly admit that after my “sacrificial obedience” to God by waiting, I expect Him to reward me by making it happen. Related to my dream and vision from God about creating women’s retreats, nothing happened for three years! No doors opened. Nothing felt right.

Had I missed God? Had I made up the vision? Would it ever happen? I kept demanding when, God, when!?

God kept saying, “Be still. Cease Striving” (Ps. 46:10).

Lesson learned again and again. Now when God promises me a dream and gives me a vision for it, I surrender it right back over to Him. And wait. That’s when the miracles happen.

No more Ishmaels for me, I’m all about waiting for the Isaacs.

The Isaacs happen suddenly.

After I surrender God’s promise back to him, at some point sooner or later, suddenly the dream becomes a reality. God surprises me so He gets the glory. A full-blown miracle appears.

Suddenly looks like:

The right people start to show up. The right opportunities quickly align. All the things I thought I’d have to force happen arrive in Divine timing. Everything I thought I’d have to strive for or earn flows easily and seamlessly comes together.

My dream happens supernaturally despite impossible circumstances. With hair-raising accuracy. I’m talking pinch-me moments.

Suddenly = My intuition + Receiving a Vision + Hearing God’s Promise + Surrender + Divine Timing + Supernatural Intervention + Action Steps of Faith

I no longer make decisions hastily with regards to my dreams (Is. 28:16). I don’t want to get impatient and step out in zeal instead of waiting for God’s timing. Which for me means waiting for the still small voice, sensed within my gut, to give me the next faith step. My sheep hear my voice (John 10:27). Until I hear God’s voice - I do nothing but wait.

I dream. I create. But I wait.

Even though it appears like nothing is happening, I believe much is being accomplished behind the scenes in the Spirit. The suddenly can happen immediately, or it can take years. My part is to do the next right step and have faith that God’s timing is perfect.

The key to suddenly is surrender. Doing everything humanly possible and then intuiting when to let go, give the dream back to God, and stop trying to force it into existence.

Expect the unexpected. Your suddenly might look different than what you originally hoped for, but it will be better than you can ever imagine (Eph. 3:20).

When your dream happens is up to God.

The waiting part used to be challenging for me. Yet because I’ve experienced supernatural suddenlies, I now excitedly embrace the waiting. I don’t feel like time is wasting. Or envious of others. Or the burden of my potential. Or fear that it’s not going to happen. Or that I missed God.

Instead, I confidently and patiently hope. I have an unshakable faith in the things not seen (Heb. 11:1):

"Faith is the certainty of things hoped for, a proof of things not seen."

When I’m truly walking by faith, there is joy. Because even though I don’t know what God’s going to do or when He’s going to do it or how He’s going to do it - I’m excited to see it happen – because I know He is going to do it.

It’s not up to me to know how and when. It’s my job to ask for what I really want and wait for the how and when to be revealed. Then take action. It’s the what, not the how-when. The how comes when it comes, and when I least expect it - suddenly my dream manifests.

Your faith in God must be greater than your fear of not getting what you want.

I want to host Intimate Retreats…

One of my favorite things is having deep, meaningful conversations with a small group of women in an intimate setting.

As I mentioned earlier, I’ve been hearing in the last couple years a longing women have to connect in a small group gathering and not as much in large retreats or conferences.

There’s such a need I feel like for women to come together. Women you already know but don’t have the time to really talk and go deeper without distractions of a waiter or kids or your husband or work interruptions.

Boutique Intimate Retreats are about having an intentional time in a dedicated place without the interruptions of your daily life. And getting away for a couple days without distractions.

As ambitious women of faith, we all go through many similar things. Sharing stories is so powerful. Knowing you’re not alone.

While also having a professional, that’s me, help you and provide outside perspective. Additionally, I will meet with you one-on-one as well as teach the group on a topic of your choosing that you and your friends struggle with.

These Boutique Intimate Retreats are going to be special and personalized to you. You and your close friends. Or friends you want to be closer to.

I can’t wait to be in the same room together. Put my arms around you. Spoil you. Pamper you. Help you. My intent is to keep these retreats private, confidential, and small. Unlike most larger retreats where you are paired with a stranger.

All you must do is think about what you’re going to wear and what you and your friends want to discuss - myself and my staff will take care of the rest.

Something magical happens when a small group of creative, thoughtful, teachable, and talented women intentionally gather in-person and want to go deep and learn.

I believe Jesus modeled the most powerful and effective method of life-changing transformation. He intentionally gathered in living rooms, around tables, and talked very deeply with a handful of people.

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For more detailed information on Boutique Intimate Retreats, click HERE.

Retreats are offered all year round. Winter. Spring. Summer. Fall. Each season equip with its own exceptionally customized menus, personalized luxurious services, and ultra-exclusive offerings.

Let's have a conversation about your unique needs and desires, click HERE to begin.

 

Wearing Men's Boxers + My Worry Brain

I wear men’s boxers as pjs.

When I got married, I confiscated Dan’s boxers.

I’ve never been the cute matching pajama set kinda girl.

After years of wear and tear, the boxers are now torn and tattered, but I still wear them because they’re soooo cozy. Dan gently suggested, maybe it’s time to purchase new boxers.

The current brand of boxers I wear are no longer made. I excitedly open my laptop and start searching retail sites for men’s cotton boxers. (they must be cotton). I start scrolling.

Does anyone else get overwhelmed by how many options of everything there is available online? It really stresses me out. I don’t do stress. So, I closed my laptop thinking, I’ll get to this later because it will take more time and focused attention than I had anticipated.  

Later slowly became, I have turned this into a project that I will dread instead of being excited about.

My sweet, empathetic husband who is now fully invested in this boxer situation recommends, why don’t you bring them to your tailor to sew? I can’t help but smile because Dan cares so deeply about every little intimate detail of my life. It’s incredibly endearing.

My tailor is very talented and highly sought after. I’ve brought him gorgeous gowns for galas and weddings. I’m talking Oscar worthy. Can you imagine the look on his face when I bring him my tattered men’s boxers from 1994 Dan-the-college-years? How ridiculous. I feel embarrassed just picturing it.

You must be thinking, this email should be titled - ‘Andrea is weird + I’m going to unsubscribe now.'

Anyway…

Fast forward to the boxers are purchased and delivered. Lots of them. The boxes of boxers sit at the bottom of the steps for weeks. Every time I see them, I get overwhelmed. It’s too much. I don’t have the energy to try them on right now. I can’t bring myself to do just one more thing. And if I don’t like them, I’ll have to start over and make returns. Then it feels like a waste of time. I fear it will disrupt my peaceful rhythm and routine. It’s yet another decision I must make when I need a mental break or need to unwind.

As the days go by and I have yet to try on the boxers, I start to worry.

Do I worry about my therapy sessions with clients? Nope.

Do I worry when I’m preparing a keynote presentation for a conference in front of hundreds of people? Nope.

Did I worry when I was writing my book? Nope.

Do I worry about men’s boxers? Yup.

They take up space in my mind. They steal my joy. They feel like a chore. They feel like failure because even a simple task feels like “too much.”

The unopened boxes begin to taunt me.

When I pass by them, I get annoyed and then stressed. Seems silly, they’re just boxers. But it’s not the boxers. It’s what they represent and what I make them mean about me:

Andrea why is your life so busy right now that you don’t even have the time to try on boxers. You steer clear of busy. What’s wrong with you? You can’t even do a simple task.

My worry brain switches on and I become anxious.

Reason being, I have done so much intense inner work to protect my peace and prioritize my happiness. I’m not simply talking about setting boundaries. It’s deeper than that. It’s a lifestyle. It’s an unwavering self-confidence and joy of the soul. It’s a way of life that includes making time for and enjoying the little things. Like trying on men’s boxers. When this doesn’t happen week after week, I get worried that I’m losing control or failing at the lifestyle I worked hard to obtain.

The reality is that during this boxer dilemma, I was preparing for a women’s conference and creating a new professional endeavor while simultaneously seeing therapy clients and running my private practice. I had more on my plate than usual which means other things will not get done.

I finally did get around to the try-on session and had to exchange all the boxers for a different size, but I loved each one. It was simple. I wondered why I waited so long to order them in the first place. What a difference it makes to have a dozen boxers to choose from every night instead of needing to do laundry multiple times a week.

Oh, and I nearly broke my wrist putting on a torn boxer because the waist band came apart and my leg got stuck and I almost fell hard.

What is the nagging worry brain thing that is stressful for you right now?

Perhaps it’s piles of laundry. The pile of dishes in your sink. The unanswered emails in your inbox. Your messy office that needs to be organized. Getting back into your exercise routine. Having your oil changed. Making meals again instead of always ordering in. Talking to your therapist. Scheduling those doctor appointments. Reaching out to that family member. Writing the book. Monetizing the Big Idea. Starting the passion project. Reading your Bible more. Having an intentional quiet time each morning.

Whether your task is big or small - what are you making not getting around to it mean about you?

You’re selfish. You’re lazy. You’re behind. You’re a failure. You’re flawed. Your priorities are wrong. Everybody else has it together except you.  

Let’s not be hard on ourselves. We don’t have to make it personal or complicated and worry about it never getting done.

It. Will. Get. Done.

And who knows, you might even enjoy it. Have extra energy for it. Realize it was easier than you thought. Discover wisdom you never considered before. Wonder why you waited so long. Experience a peace that passes understanding. Realize the dread and defeat mindset was more costly that actually doing it.

Get in the practice of asking yourself: What am I so worried about? Is the worry worth it?

Ambitious Women Who Worry

I treat clients who experience high-functioning anxiety with perfectionistic tendencies who tend to overthink everything.

They experience catastrophic thinking and get stuck inside their head constantly worrying about the what ifs. Falling and staying asleep is a struggle because their mind ruminates on things outside of their control. They replay conversations, worrying about what everyone thinks.

They struggle with imposter syndrome no matter how successful they are. They sacrifice well-being and personal fulfillment for external achievement. Their self-esteem is dependent upon reputation, appearance, and performance. They can’t seem to break bad habits due to stress. They feel pressure to build an empire, dominate an industry, and be the number one.

They feel like they aren’t doing enough and constantly compare to others. They have difficulty turning their worry brain off and truly resting when they’re not working. Even when things are going well, they’re waiting for something bad to happen.

I get it.

Chances are, if you choose a thriving career or ministry, understand that you won’t always have the time to manage every detail at home. Or have the bandwidth to attend every social engagement or family gathering.

Often the fact that you’re an overthinker means you’re an intellectual powerhouse. You have a powerful mind and keen intuition which probably serves you well in your career and leads to success.

But what happens when you add fear and uncertainty to the mix?

Fear + Uncertainty = Anxiety

Anxiety and its close cousin, worry, both come from fear. Fear itself does not equal anxiety and worry. Fear is a learned thing and fear's main job is helping you survive. Because of how your brain is wired, fear teaches you to avoid dangerous situations in the future. Anxiety happens when our brain doesn't have enough information to accurately predict the future. Without this accurate information, our brain tends to create stories of worry and dread.

Your overthinking worried mind screams at you spiraling out of control into what ifs and imagining worst-case scenarios. In hopes that by analyzing every detail you won’t get caught off guard. The reality is that life is unpredictable.

What I’ve learned about anxiety both personally and in my clinical work with clients is that we believe worrying and anxiously overthinking helps protect us against future hardship. Overthinking can serve as a coping mechanism when you feel out of control. You believe you are in control and protecting yourself by doing something.

But that something isn’t “doing,” it’s thinking. It’s not protection – it’s anxiety. And it’s not helping.

Often what it does do is rob you of the joy in the present. Or you force something to happen before it’s time because you are afraid and want to control things. You settle for an Ishmael (inevitable hardship) rather than wait for your Isaac (God’s promise).

I help my clients understand, that’s just your worry brain.

Don't Worry About Worrying

You might spend much of your life adding to your worry by trying to fix it.

Don’t worry about worrying. Instead…

Trust yourself. You will be able to handle every situation that might arise in your life in the precise moment you need it and not a minute before. Think about all the things you feared that never happened. Or how the hard things you’ve experienced in the past that did happen, introduced you to a resilient version of yourself that you never knew existed.

Trust the timing of your life. Embrace your journey. Have faith that God is working behind the scenes on your behalf even when you can’t see it or don’t understand. Believe that it’s going to be better than you could ever imagine (Eph. 3:20). And that being in the right here, right now is where you find joy.

Learn to recognize your triggers because unless you live in the middle of nowhere, you are going to be triggered – regularly. Identify the lies you tell yourself – just because you think it, doesn’t mean it’s true. Refrain from making yourself a problem to solve or a project to fix and treat yourself as a person worthy of compassion. Feel your feelings because you have them for a reason. Get consciously curious and take the time to know yourself more deeply. Don’t be afraid to ask for help when nothing else is helping.

Whenever you fall back into old worry habits, stop and self-correct. You can attend to tomorrow’s worries as they come and not a moment before. Most likely you will find they will disappear as you approach them. Or that a way to deal with it will appear.

Wait until they present themselves before you in the immediate present, and you find that every hardship carries with it the wisdom and wherewithal for its overcoming.

Perhaps you expect to have a certain thing at a certain time, and not get it at that time. This might appear to you like a failure. Believe you will receive something so much better that you will see that the seeming failure was really a great success.

Or when everything feels like “too much” – even the smallest tasks (like trying on men’s boxers) - remember the worried driven mental heaviness of what you make it mean about you is harder than doing the task itself.

Your Imagination Superpower

Anxious overthinkers tend to be leaders and creatives with vivid imaginations. Pair this superpower with worry and BAM! – you’re always anticipating the future and preparing for worst-case scenarios.

Spiritually speaking, follow Paul’s advice to cast down imaginations and take every thought captive (2 Cor. 10:5, KJV).

Try using your superpower to imagine best-case scenarios instead of worst-case scenarios.

Worry can show up as imagining the future without God in it. But God tells us, I know what I’m doing. I have it all planned out—plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for (Jer. 29:11, MSG).

Try to refrain from dwelling on every possible foreboding thought and what if question and remind yourself Jesus says that tomorrow will worry about itself (Matt. 6:34).

There’s no one big moment when poof, the worry’s gone. It’s an on-going, cyclical journey consisting of millions of smaller moments that add up to a peaceful way of living.

Deal with one worry thought at a time. Repeating it again…and again…and again…

If you think peace of mind and overcoming anxiety is supposed to be a quick fix and look like something specific. And you haven’t experienced it. And you wonder if the rest of us are all in on some big secret that you’re missing. Let me assure you. You’re not missing anything. 

_____________________

Need help dealing with worry and anxiety or with any of these concepts above? Get in touch to request a therapy appointment.

My Rage Meltdown + My Beet Juice Breakdown

As I was preparing a talk for a women's conference, I felt led to share the unredacted parts of my journaling revelations and research from a previous season in my life where I discovered I had rage. The segment of my talk about rage felt profoundly on time (and not of me, more like a channeled message from God). Of all the feedback I received from the attendees, the rage revelation resonated with the women most.

What prompted me to share on the topic of rage was an article on mom rage that a therapist friend of mine published who specializes in treating women with postpartum depression and anxiety. She’s built an empire around helping women navigate motherhood. Although I’m not a mother, rage showed up in my marriage.

As a therapist, I know our most intimate relationships (typically with spouses and children) is where our unconscious issues arise that we never knew existed.

Here’s a piece from her article where she, as a mom herself, courageously shared a personal rage experience:

Mom confession:

A few days ago, I lost my sh*t (over a baseball belt) and SCREAMED at my child. Not just yelled at him, but legit screamed, crazy person style, right in his face as I grabbed him by the shoulders.

If I’m being 100% honest, I felt myself holding back the urge to physically hurt him. It’s hard to admit that. But it’s the truth. I was filled with rage. He did nothing wrong, but I had a split second moment of wanting to quick release the pressure cooker. Luckily I was able to hit pause and re-ground myself.

But guess what – I’m human! And I have my “sh*tty” mom-meltdown moments.

I needed to forgive myself for that moment and normalize these experiences happen to us all!

It dawned on me – because I have an entire course devoted to implementing emotional regulation, healthy communication, and boundary setting in motherhood…I somehow adopted the belief that I should be protected against my own mom-meltdown moments.

I know that it doesn’t make me a bad mom, and it doesn’t make me a fraud as a therapist either.*

I read her article and felt - what’s the word I’m looking for…validated – no, it was more like angels were singing. I replaced bad mom with bad wife. I have my sh*tty rage meltdown moments, and it doesn’t make me a fraud as a therapist either.

Numerous times I have spoken (in conferences, workshops, retreats, media interviews, and in conversations with clients) or written (newsletters, a book, magazine articles, and blogs) about anger. And the science behind why anger is a God-given emotion designed to help you heal and set boundaries. Anger is a gift and can serve as a protection when expressed in a healthy manner.

One of the many ways repressed anger can show up is rage. I knew about rage intellectually and clinically. But not experientially and personally.

Not until I got married. More on this in a minute.

Upon reading the enormous number of responses to my therapist friend’s article and her social media posts, I researched mom rage. I discovered how common it is and how moms are afraid to admit they experience this level of anger toward their own children.

They feel crazy, alone, and ashamed.

She and I met for coffee shortly after her article came out because I felt compelled to share how her words were like a bullseye to my heart. And that as a woman who is not a mom, I can still relate.

Maybe for you rage shows up as Marriage rage. God rage. Career rage. PMS Rage. Perimenopause Rage. Ministry rage. Illness Rage. Family rage. Singleness Rage. Road rage.

Rage is rage. And it’s sh*tty.

The Therapist Gets Therapy

A few years ago, I had an identity crisis. This led to an intensely complicated, confusing, and painful season of my life especially because I had my greatest dreams come true all at once. I finally found my person and got married. Published a book. Moved to my dream home in my dream neighborhood. And it was during that celebratory time that I simultaneously felt rage for the first time in my life.

I NEVER knew I had rage. To be honest, it scared me.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand so the therapist got therapy.

After a year of therapy, soul searching, and intense inner work, I went from an identity crisis to identity confidence and from a breakdown to a breakthrough.

During that time, I lost myself. But then I reinvented myself. I redefined what success looks like for me. Life post- identity crisis these days is characterized by 90% peace and happiness (10% leeway because sometimes life throws unexpected curve balls). I am radically content and blissfully secure in who I am and what I want.

I have so much to share about that season of my life and every time I try to sit and write it as a blog post, it’s overwhelming but in good way. Profound and powerful truths I feel called to impart to other ambitious women of faith. I’m thinking it will either be a blog series and/or my next book. Which was not planned BTW. But the best things never are, you know?

My greatest joy and calling are taking what I learn in my own life and sharing the lived experience with you. It’s not only the learning, but also the sharing that completes the calling for me. And right now, it’s on the topic of rage.

Ever since I worked through my rage, it has been a theme in my work with therapy clients, colleagues, and friendships. I believe God brings specific people into your life to provide them the hope and healing you experienced. For me, it solidifies my new-found freedom, keeps me accountable to the truths I’ve learned, and most importantly resonates with people to help them put a name to their pain.

I still, at times, experience rage mini-meltdown moments when I am triggered which is typically around feeling the tension of being a present wife and an ambitious entrepreneur. The tension occurs because I care so deeply about both. Coupled with the reality of my personality – I need a lot of space. I don’t do stress. I don’t do busy. I don’t people-please. I protect my peace and prioritize my happiness. So, when all these things are out of whack, there will be an inevitable unraveling. My nervous system gets overstimulated.

Beet Juice Breakdown

My most recent rage experience:

One morning, I was shaking up a glass bottle of beet juice, and it slipped through my fingers. Glass shattered and bright red beet juice exploded everywhere all over the kitchen and all over me. I also cut myself and couldn’t tell what was blood and what was beet. I legit lost my sh*t.

The visceral rage that bubbled up from deep inside me was jarring. I was like, oh hello old friend. I repeatedly dropped the f-bomb. I could have screamed at the top of my lungs and probably would have if I didn’t think the neighbors would hear and out of concern call the police. I guess I could have used a pillow.

Post-beet-juice-breakdown I realized how that was a triggered situation because I was stressed, frantically rushing out the door to see my therapy clients, and did not have ample quiet time earlier. I have my routines and non-negotiable priorities that help me establish boundaries around marriage, private practice, and self-care.

Yet, I’ve learned to be more spontaneous, flexible, and to trust when my happiness energy shifts from one priority to another and to make exceptions. That way I don’t get so locked into my boundaries and routines that I miss special opportunities that also make me happy.

Earlier that morning, my husband and I spontaneously…you know. And because my marriage is a top priority, I made a choice to connect with him. And because of that connecting, as beautiful as it was, took time away from the other things I needed too which did not happen. But I was ok with that. It was well worth it.

Until the beet juice rage meltdown.

There’s a hidden culprit behind my mini-meltdown moments. It’s not the actual incident itself (the beet juice bottle breaking or even the stress it caused) – it’s what I make the incident mean about myself that unleashes fear and shame spirals that pushes me to rage.

I make it mean that I’m failing. I make it mean that I'm trapped.

The truth is I am a very happy person. I love my work, and I love my husband and there seems to be ample time for both. I have it all. A great love and a purposeful career.

I get triggered when I put hard work into something and see it thrive only then for something to happen that causes me to doubt my dreams, my faith, or my career and then I start spiraling. I fear a new pattern is emerging that I will have no control over because whatever was successfully working before, might not anymore.

My beet-juice-spiral sounded like this:

Following my intuition, prioritizing happiness, and being flexible with my non-negotiable priorities will lead to stress and pain. And I’ll have to make detrimental compromises in my therapy practice or in my marriage.

When I choose my marriage, it will negatively impact the success I’ve worked so hard to establish. I’ll lose myself in a relationship, sacrifice my ambitions, and my career will suffer.

Or I’ll lose myself in my career and my marriage will suffer. My ambitions will prevent me from having a fulfilled marriage and my husband will feel neglected.

I can’t have both.

And if I do have both, my self-care will suffer, and I’ll be an anxious stress case and lose my peace

Yikes.

Those are the lies I tell myself which as you can see goes against the truth that I do have it all. And I’m happy. When I focus on the truth and remind myself that it is indeed my reality, this mindset reframe frees me from the paralyzing analytical, joyless, and doubt-filled fear bubble I feel trapped in.The rage meltdown moments pass by more quickly.

And instead of getting all judgy-wudgy and beating myself up post-meltdown, I pause, collect myself, and go on with my day. I choose to be happy. Then the rage loses its once powerful grip on me.

Through therapy I learned how family of origin issues contributed to the lies I tell myself and exposed this self-sabotaging unconscious pattern.

Therapy also taught me that caring deeply about somebody doesn’t mean I’m emotionally responsible for them or that I must lose myself in a relationship to keep the closeness.

I also discovered that I have a maternal heart, and my husband receives this mother-type of love in addition to wife-type of love. I came to appreciate this quality in myself even more when I was reading the mom rage articles and the tension mothers feel about their children because they love them so much, but also need space to be alone.

A mom so aptly explained, I couldn’t wait until the babysitter arrived so I could finally have some me time, only to find out how much I missed my son and couldn’t wait to be with him again. I get it. It’s how I feel in my marriage. And what a tremendous blessing it is to have such a close bond.

Back to the beet juice breakdown, I must remind myself that it's OK to be angry, stressed, and lose my sh*t sometimes - that’s life! But it doesn’t mean I made a bad decision, and my career will suffer or that it’s a new normal I can’t control. It can mean I followed my heart happy energy (connected with my husband because of our bond) and it’s just a beet juice bottle breaking. It’s annoying and time consuming to clean up. I’ll be late to my sessions. Etc. Etc. But it’s simply a stressor. I don’t have to make it so painfully complicated. So why do I?

Because patterns are not always easily identifiable...

My Migraine Miracle

Over a decade ago, I had sporadic migraines that lasted about 8 months, and the same self-sabotaging pattern emerged in terms of making a migraine mean I failed, and I was trapped. I judged myself for having migraines. I was convinced the migraines were my fault, so I felt desperate to find a reason and “fix” them.

It was an all-too-familiar, sneaky pattern that was occurring unconsciously beneath the surface of my migraines.

I fear spiraled into what-if statements:

What if my migraines worsened and I can’t meet with clients?

What if I eventually can’t pay my bills?

What if my social life is impacted?

What if my faith isn’t strong enough?

I feared the migraines would become debilitating and ultimately ruin my counseling practice and my life.

In reality, this was never the case. It was my fear speaking. The migraines did suddenly and miraculously stop, and my life was not disrupted. Even when I experienced a migraine, I took medication, it passed within a few hours, and never negatively impacted my career.

The breakthrough I took away from that time: The mental suffering I put myself through was more painful than the migraines.

I wrote a blog post titled, My Migraine Miracle - Trust me, it’s worth the read.

All to say, fast forward to now, those same self-sabotaging patterns show up, not in migraines, but in rage meltdowns. That was my aha moment.

The fear and shame women feel after a mom rage meltdown, or a non-mom rage meltdown is often just as painful as the rage itself - if not worse.

Better to Get Angry

In my therapy work with clients, I primarily counsel high-achieving, brilliant women who are leaders in their communities and experts in their industries. Often their buried anger shows up as anxiety, perfectionistic tendencies, imposter syndrome, or sacrificing well-being and personal fulfillment for external achievements.

Suppressing anger and trying to squash feelings of rage is not the answer, nor is it healthy. Coping with anger effectively and identifying the root of rage is healthy. Sometimes it involves letting go of having to do it all. Sometimes it means releasing the pressure to build an empire, dominate an industry, or be the number one.

Sometimes it means choosing to find happiness and be satisfied in the right here, the right now. Sometimes it looks like redefining success to find significance. Sometimes it looks like saying no more than yes and protecting your peace. And sometimes it involves learning the words to apologize and repair after an explosion.

In marriage, sometimes it means getting brutally honest with your spouse. It can be easier to agree or ignore them. To say whatever they want to hear in order to avoid conflict. To stop trying. To stop telling them what you really want. To not really listen when they share things. To just assume you know what they’re going to say next or do next or feel next.

Or to stop believing the way to be a good spouse is by compliance. To never ask for the things you need. To expect them to know. And when they don’t know, to assume they don’t care. That you don’t matter. That they’re choosing themselves over you.

Better to get angry. To tell them what you think and feel. It’s ok to hurt their feelings. As long as you do it from love.

Getting furious and saying things in the heat of the moment shows you still care. What often hurts the most is when a spouse develops apathy. They become indifferent. They don’t care or get curious anymore. They stop fighting all together. And beneath the surface they are slowly building resentment which will eventually manifest somewhere in the marriage or outside of it.

Dr. Gabor Maté explains it best in his book, When the Body Says No. In his work with patients, he discovered that people with cancers, chronic pain, and autoimmune issues, have difficulty saying no and expressing anger. And how the nature of stress is not as much about external factors like getting fired, it’s the internal stress of having to adjust yourself to someone else.*

He goes onto say:

“The inability to say no and a lack of awareness of one’s anger make it much more likely that a person will find herself in situations where her emotions are unexpressed, her needs are ignored and her gentleness is exploited. Those situations are stress inducing, whether or not the person is conscious of being stressed. Repeated and multiplied over the years, they have the potential of harming homeostasis and the immune system…predisposing to disease or reducing the resistance to it.”

He explains that “when a person describes herself as ‘a control freak,’ in reality, there is no innate human inclination to be controlling. What there is in a ‘controlling’ personality is deep anxiety.”

Dr. Maté is a big fan of working out our suppressed anger and anxiety through psychotherapy and strongly encourages his patients to do so.

I find his work very validating because our Creator made our bodies to hold truth that we can deny intellectually. We lie to ourselves, but our body always tells the truth. Things build up inside and we lash out. Anger can be a signal that can help you and not hurt you.

I accept my rage meltdown moments as reminders of my humanness. They remind me there’s no such thing as a perfect, problem-free life. They remind me I need to depend on God.

In my marriage, they remind me that it is safe to be myself. They remind me that I am unconditionally loved. My husband sees the scary, worst parts of me and embraces it all wholeheartedly. He says I’m a firecracker and that it’s my deep love and fiery passion that moves me through the world. And that my fierce personality is what he loves most about me.

Moments of rage meltdowns do not make you a bad person. A bad wife. A bad Christian. A bad mother. A bad boss. A bad sister. A bad daughter. They make you human.

_________________

If you can’t relate to rage, maybe your suppressed anger shows up in other ways such as anxiety or depression. Perhaps it’s crippling perfectionism. Your marriage has fizzled out and you're contemplating things you’re ashamed of. You’re drinking too much. You have chronic pain and health problems. You’re constantly burnout and this stressful way of life has become your new normal. As is often the case with anger, you don’t know it’s there yet. But you do know you’re struggling. Or maybe you’re not ready to face your anger and you’re afraid. Either way, I hope my blog post gives you hope that this is not the way things have to be.

Need help dealing with rage or with any of these concepts above? Get in touch to request a therapy appointment.

*When the Body Says No: Exploring the Stress-Disease Connection" by Dr. Gabor Maté 

*Megan MacCutcheon: www.meganmaccutcheon.com

My Experience + Therapy Thoughts on Sleep Anxiety

Sleep anxiety has been a theme these last few weeks – both personally and in my work with therapy clients.

Worry- ridden thoughts at night can show up as sleep anxiety in different ways for different people. It might be the end-of-weekend Monday dread. Or when a vacation is over and you’re back to the reality of normal life. When you’re starting a new business, and it feels like you’ve got a never ending to-do-list. When your book is being published and you fear it won’t be a top seller. When you’re launching a passion project and afraid it might fail.

Sometimes it’s a new opportunity, heart’s desire, or answered prayer and you’re anxious that everything that can go wrong will. Sometimes it’s your child going away to school. Sometimes it’s being alone while your spouse is on a trip or out-of-town for a while. Sometimes you’re replaying an embarrassing conversation or reliving a mistake from earlier in the day. Sometimes your worry about the state of the world is heightened. Sometimes it’s because you’re an ambitious overthinker and you can’t seem to turn your mind off, especially at night.

I get it.

What I’ve learned about late-night ruminating is to be very intentional about telling my worry mind to STOP. To not dwell on anything upsetting before bed. To refrain from solving the problem until the next morning. To not wait for an answer to come to me as I fall asleep.

Instead, I force myself to focus on the specific good things that happened during the day. When the troubling thoughts creep in, I must stop myself because ruminating on the problem takes up precious energy that I need to sleep so I can deal with whatever it is the next morning.

If I'm still struggling, I'll think about silly, mindless things like five new outfits I can create from my wardrobe. Or weird, random things like fun nostalgic snacks from my childhood I'd love to enjoy again if health and calories didn't matter. Remember Fruit Roll-Ups and Gushers. Planters Cheez Balls. Little Debbie Oatmeal Cream Pies? Oh, and the cereals: Cinnamon Toast Crunch, Lucky Charms (only the marshmallows of course), and Fruity Pebbles. I'll also watch my favorite show if I really have trouble turning my worry brain off. I know, I know, screen time before bed is not recommended. You do what works for you.

If your spouse is anything like mine, he falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow. Must be nice. And I'm such a light sleeper. I'll wake up if I hear a leaf falling outside.

Anyway...

When I have racing thoughts and feel anxiety as I’m trying to fall asleep or I’m wide awake at 3 am and my mind is spinning out of control – I’ve realized that fixating on the problem does not help. I’m in worst-case scenario mode. I’m in dread. I feel alone. I never get clarity. Or peace. Or a solution. Instead, I get anxious. And then I get more anxious about how I’m anxious. How I’m not going to get enough sleep and be exhausted the next day.

At night all our fears often become magnified, and we have nothing to distract us like we do during the day. There isn’t anything you can do at night except lie there anxious and afraid.

I’ve finally accepted the freeing reality that every time I choose to sleep on it, it’s never as big, bad and scary the next morning.

In fact, when I wake up, I always think to myself, why was I up all night so freaked out? Upon waking or shortly after in my quiet time, I’m able to think intelligently, rationally and calmly about the problem. I obtain peace about it. I obtain wisdom.

Spiritually speaking, I strongly believe while I’m asleep, God is working behind the scenes on my behalf. Even though I’m asleep, my spirit is not and I’m receiving the counsel from the Holy Spirit needed to address my problem.

Psalm 16:7 has brought me comfort over these last few weeks - I resonate with the unique version of each scripture verse:

I will bless the Lord who counsels me; he gives me wisdom in the night. He tells me what to do. (TLB)

I will bless the Lord who counsels me – even at night when my thoughts trouble me. (CSB)

I will bless the Lord who has counseled me; indeed, my heart (mind) instructs me in the night. (AMP)

I will praise the Lord who counsels me – even at night my conscience instructs me. (HCSB)

I will bless the Lord who advises me; even at night I am instructed in the depths of my mind. (CEB)

I praise the Lord because he guides me. Even at night, I feel his leading. (ICB)

To break a nighttime worry habit leading to sleep anxiety, as with any habit, you must commit to doing the inner work. Knowing a habit is bad for you is not enough to change it. You must want to change it deep within your bones. Get to the place where you wholeheartedly believe that whatever “benefit” you were getting from the bad habit is not actually beneficial.

With a night worry habit, for example, you may tell yourself a story that by ruminating on your problem means that you’re “doing” something, but that something isn’t “doing” – it’s worrying - and it’s not helping you sleep. You’ll keep reinforcing both bad habits: ruminating on the problem to no avail and your anxiety about not sleeping.

Perhaps by overthinking your problem, you feel like you’re in control, but you’re in fix-it-mode driven by fear.

Here are some practical suggestions if you struggle with sleep anxiety:

Stop yourself from thinking of anything upsetting in bed at night. Tell yourself, that’s just my brain. I’m going to sleep!

As you fall asleep, meditate on the specific things you are grateful for that happened during the day. Write them down if you need to. (There needs to be a new beneficial substitution of grateful thoughts in exchange for your worry thoughts).

Imagine yourself handing your problem over to God. Trust that He will give you the wisdom you need while you're sleeping.

Sleep on it. Prove to yourself that the clarity will come in the morning.

Repeat the next night.

Be patient. You are training your brain to think in a new way.

Practice. Practice. Practice.

I like to envision Jesus tucking me in at night. He’s not worried about my problem, and He certainly doesn’t want me losing sleep over it, so neither will I.

Trying to understand my problem never brings me peace. That's why I trust in Jesus, not in my own understanding. He's my Prince of Peace who is faithful to instill a peace that passes understanding.

Hoping you have sweet sleep tonight.

*

P.S. Ever get sick with a real bad case of the flu or you break a bone or get surgery and during it you feel like you’ll never be normal again? Night worry can feel similar. While you're experiencing sleep anxiety, remember that just like when you’re sick, your brain is foggy, you’re vulnerable, and your body is needing to heal and recover. When you wake up in the morning, it’s like the moment you realize you’re not sick anymore - you look back and think, I can’t believe I thought I would never get better and always be sick…

________________________________

If you need help with night-worry and sleep anxiety or with any of these concepts above, get in touch to request a therapy appointment.

A Day Date With My Husband + Balancing Priorities

Everything for me these days is about energy. What things drain me and what things excite me. This helps me get out of my overthinking mind when making decisions big and small. It helps me set boundaries. It helps me not people-please. It helps protect my peace.

These two questions help me make decisions right now around my energy:

What are my nonnegotiable priorities?

Where do I want to invest my time?

My most valuable investments are my priorities. My nonnegotiable priorities are my marriage, my self-care, and my psychotherapy practice. These things bring me the most joy and peace. So, I prioritize them. I invest time in them. I save my energy for them. Which requires saying no to other things and having boundaries.

Protecting my priorities allows me to make confident choices about certain opportunities and friendships outside of my nonnegotiables. Such as speaking for a women’s retreat. Feeling inspired to write and create content (like this post). Getting together with a close friend for lunch or a zoom happy hour. I say yes only when my energy around these things is excitement-filled and inspiration-driven. That way, I am making deliberate decisions without compromising my peace because they aren’t draining, obligatory, or guilt-ridden.

Protecting my priorities also requires flexibility and trusting the energy when it shifts between my nonnegotiable priorities: my marriage, my self-care, and my psychotherapy practice. I might be investing time in one of those, but my energy becomes depleted, or my joy is missing. I’ve learned to pause and pay attention. And then make a shift.

For example:

My husband had a routine doctor's appointment yesterday and I could intuit he wanted my company but didn't ask because he knew yesterday was my day off from therapy clients. Which means it's my sacred space and I had Andrea-type plans for the day which included self-care and writing. As I considered the decision to stay or go, I felt a sinking feeling in my chest. I realized how sad I would feel seeing him leave and missing an opportunity to be together. My energy was low, and I lost the joy of my plans for the day.

The idea of being with him gave me excited energy and the thought of being alone doing my thing felt empty (even though that was my plan). I made the decision to go with him to his appointment and then have a fun day date.

The doctor ended up being two hours late and I caught myself growing internally frustrated. Tempted to believe the day was ruined. Our date was delayed, and I wondered if we would even have time to go out at all. I caught myself anxiously feeling like this decision was a waste of time. I thought about what I could be accomplishing work wise. Checking items off my to-do-list. Or resting quietly at home instead of a sterile doctor’s office in the most uncomfortable chair ever. How I’m not out enjoying a fun date with Dan.

I saw Dan’s face as he was watching me think. More like spiral. I could sense he felt guilty and stressed about how inconvenient the situation was and how disappointed I looked. We sat there quietly for a few minutes. The excited energy we shared at the beginning of the day became tense.

Then, it hit me. I realized my heart needed to connect with my husband. To really talk. To have fun. We have a blast just being together. Why should the doctor’s office be any different?

I shifted my energy and went over to sit on his lap. Gave him the type of kiss that made the nurse blush who passed by the office. The nurse who later profusely apologized and explained the doctor was late due to an emergency. I looked Dan in the eyes and said, I love you. I started telling him about my week. It was one of our favorite conversations.

His lap was much more comfortable than that chair.

Afterwards we went out to a restaurant, got the perfect outdoor table, and made memories.

As we were driving home, I noticed a woman running in our neighborhood and found myself experiencing a tinge of mini regret that I missed my run because the weather was so nice, and I had been sitting all day. I quickly started to doubt my decision to be with my husband. I thought of all the other things I didn't do that I had planned. And the space to rest that I really needed which I didn't get either. I got into anxiety- stress about what I missed. Within seconds, the joy of the day went right out the window. Welcome to how my brain works. But I can identify this pattern, so I released it just as quickly as it came in.

The reality is that my marriage is my top priority and so I consider it a wise investment. When an unexpected opportunity arose to have a day date with my husband, I had energy around it. What drained my energy was thinking about how it would interfere with my plans and self-care that were also a priority that day. It was my energy that told me what I truly needed. I needed to connect with Dan. I was excited for a day date.

I tucked away yesterday’s revelation in my heart. Giving myself permission to be flexible about breaking my own rules about nonnegotiable priorities. Trusting my energy shifts to help me make a last-minute decision because it’s life-giving. Listening to my intuition. Chasing my happiness feelings.

The point of this story, when you know what your priorities are and you make decisions to invest your time there, it makes it easier to say no to other things. To not people-please. To be confident in your boundaries. It also helps you not waste so much energy anxiously overthinking everything. Notice what things feel important, exciting, and inspiring. Then release the rest. You can't do it all. Not all the time.

Up until this day date with Dan, I think somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind, the belief that I can do it all, or maybe should do it all, or at least do more, was still lingering and slowly stealing my peace. This is because the “all” in “do it all” are all things I love. Things I’m super passionate about. Desires of my heart. Things I know I’m good at. I felt like I was falling behind or wasting my talents by not actively pursuing all of them.

I must constantly remind myself that everything always works out for me. That God’s timing is perfect. That I am exactly where I’m meant to be. That things happen suddenly after I wholeheartedly surrender them.

The other thing that steals my joy and peace is falsely believing that daily realties like mundane tasks, like household chores, are preventing me from doing what I love. It's like I’m avoiding the reality of the things I’m doing because of all the things I’m not doing that I think I should be doing. This was a breakthrough aha moment for me.

I recently spent time with a close friend and fellow therapist. We sat in her living room and as I was sharing my day-date-Dan story and my aha moment - she eagerly sat up and said – “I do the same thing!” She elaborated, for example, if I have doctor’s appointments and errands that last until noon, I think my day starts after that. It’s like I’m already behind on the things I want to do. Like the errands and doctor appointments are not real things. It’s as if the time spent doing them doesn’t count.

Doesn’t count. Not real things.

She nailed it.

It’s so damn validating for my experiences to deeply resonate with people and help them put a name to their stuckness. I not only feel validated, but their words reinforce and solidify my own new-found freedom.

Back to household chores. For example, it’s as if doing laundry and taking the time to hang up my husband’s shirts to dry does not count as a real thing in my day. Dan has dozens and dozens of golf shirts, and they all need to be hung and buttoned a certain way. Rather than being annoyed and thinking about all the other “important” things I could be doing. Instead, I make a mindset change and shift my perspective to - what a tremendous gift to be married to this rare and special man that I prayed about for years. A consuming can’t live without each other love.

Yes, he can do his own laundry, but he loves when I do it for him and I consider it a worthy investment. My marriage is a nonnegotiable priority remember. Intimacy is about the little things, you know?

All to say, the hanging of the golf shirts counts. It is a real thing. It is not wasted time. It’s not taking away from what I love. In fact, the more I accept the daily mundane realities of my life and do them with a grateful heart, the more it allows me to surrender my passions and ambitions back to God. And guess what happens?

My deepest heart’s desires become a reality. A reality that aligns perfectly with my nonnegotiable priorities. With hair-raising accuracy. There is no sacrifice. There is no anxiety. There is no fear of missing out. There is no comparison. There is no self-doubt. There is no stress. There is no regret. Now that is what peace feels like.

Here’s another example:

As I mentioned earlier, my self-care is a nonnegotiable priority. Part of my self-care includes eating healthy. Therefore, I must tell myself that the mundane task of making meals counts. Let me clarify, I do not cook. It’s not my thing. You’ll never find me spending hours in my kitchen excited about trying out new recipes.

I’m a vegetarian (well, a quasi-vegan because although I don’t eat eggs or dairy - I do use eggs in my chocolate chip zucchini muffins and feta crumbles on my salads). Oh, and I absolutely loooovvveee to munch on cheesy chips. I’m a huge snacker. My brother, who’s ingredient obsessed, introduced me to this brand, Siete. They have the BEST cheesy snack ever called “Queso Puff.” And the puffs are dairy free. Ha! They are delicious and made with all natural good-for-you ingredients. Genius.

If you take anything away from this post, you must try Siete snacks. I can eat an entire bag in one sitting. Consider this your warning: can be habit forming.

Wow, Andrea. Holy tangent.

Anyway, back to mundane life realities like meal planning that I think don’t count. That interfere with what I love to be doing instead. My meals are simple, but it still takes time every day to make something fresh and healthy. I intellectually know that my self-care routine of making meals, daily exercise, and lifting weights are essential. Yet, I still must remind myself…

This. Is. A. Real. Thing.

I believe keeping my body healthy and fit (and fashionable) is a nonnegotiable priority. It’s not always convenient. It does mean I can’t do other things I want during that allotted time. But they are worthy investments of my time. They do make me happy, and they give me energy.

Same principle applies to my psychotherapy career, which is a nonnegotiable priority. Working for myself is another nonnegotiable. I’m not only providing therapy to clients, but I’m also a business owner. This requires a hefty dose of business acumen and adds myriad responsibilities to my daily life. I must set aside hours a week managing the business side of my work. Staying up to date with researching new therapeutic techniques and best practices. Operating the finances. Securing office space. Complying with state and federal laws. Assembling the right forms and keeping track of therapy notes. Attending continuing education seminars on ethics, management, and supervision. Creating website content. Networking with other therapists and providing referrals. Being responsible for new client inquiries, intake consultations, and scheduling. Etc. etc.

The point is not to bore you with the details. I had to make a list in my journal of all the above to remind myself:

The business responsibilities count as real things. Writing them down made it real for me. It’s a big investment of my time. I’m like oh yeah this consumes hours of my week. Duh! The exercise gave me confidence to say no to other things because my practice comes first. The clients and the business.

There are weeks or even seasons when my nonnegotiable priorities take a strong shift. From hidden seasons of not writing at all to being so inspired I’m obsessed and can’t stop writing. From frequently connecting with my girlfriends to long periods of not talking and when we do, it’s like we were never apart. From not accepting new clients and maintaining my current caseload to having a waitlist. From spending most of my non-work time with Dan to spending more time alone with myself. From feverishly reading a stack of psychology books and using an embarrassing number of sticky notes, colored pens, and highlighters to reading strictly fiction novels. I quite literally go with the flow. The excited, inspired energy flow.

Rather than getting envious of others or believing I’m missing out or being all judgy-wudgy with myself that I can’t do it all – I’m grateful that I created the life I want. I’m making it count.

Final example:

We received a notification from our home security system that one of the alarm panels was malfunctioning. After being on hold with the company for forty-five minutes they provided a six-hour window for a technician to arrive later in the week. He came. He didn’t resolve the issue. I had to call again the next day. Wait on hold for an hour. Reschedule another six-hour window. Maybe lost my temper and used a few choice curse words.

Love this for me.

I can’t schedule clients during that six-hour timeframe which is basically the entire day. Instead of thinking that day is a “waste” that doesn’t count – I change my mindset to how grateful I am to have an alarm system in my dream home in my dream neighborhood. And it is a nice change to sit in my cozy office chair with no makeup and sweatpants doing other things I love. Like writing this post to you.

Sounds obvious, maybe even weird, but I realized that these things (doctor appointments with my husband, hanging up golf shirts, making meals, business owner responsibilities, and maintaining a household) take time and they add up. They count as real things. And accepting those things will make a way for my greatest heart’s desires.

What are those things for you?

I hope you find the courage to protect your peace by identifying your nonnegotiable priorities.

I hope you chase your happiness energy and be open to making last minute decisions that aren’t what you originally planned, but what you need.

I hope you confidently say no to what makes you feel empty and say no to who drains you.

I hope you find joy in the mundane realities and truly make them count.

P.S. I also have a sweet tooth. So in addition to the huge blessing I gave you in introducing you to Siete cheesy snacks (which btw they also have delicious Mexican Wedding Cookies) – I want to tell you about Simple Mills which is another healthy brand that contains all natural ingredients. They have the best Crunchy Chocolate Chip Cookies. Oh, and their Farmhouse Cheddar crackers – so yummy. You’re welcome.

P.S.S. It took an identity crisis and unraveling to confidently identify my three nonnegotiable priorities. And why my entire life is set up to protect my peace. Why I’m rejoicing in the me that is me. Why I’m having fun on this Planet Earth ride. Why I am happy deep in my bones. Why I have many pinch- me moments. I’ve been able to live this way because I wholeheartedly figured out who I am and what I want. More to come on the two years of intense, inner work it took to get here. I say this because you may have wasted some energy. Your priorities may be out of whack. You may have missed some moments you never get back. But it doesn’t matter. You’re realizing now.

Thanks for being here.

What I Learned About Feeling Embarrassed

I hate traveling.

There, I said it. To all of you.

It really upsets my nervous system.

Don’t get me wrong, in the last few years I’ve traveled with my husband and have enjoyed very memorable vacations together. The sacrifice of travel to arrive at our destination was well worth it.

Since then, I’ve been in a season where I have absolutely no desire to travel. I guess what I really mean to say is, I do not want to be away from home. Because…

I. LOVE. MY. LIFE.

Each morning, I wake up happy and excited about what’s before me. And each evening, I go to sleep with a grateful heart. While also lying next to an eager, adoring husband who is trying to respect my introverted bubble. Even after having talked about our day for hours – I’m finally falling asleep and he whispers, “can I just tell you one more thing?” How can I resist that!

This is my dream home. In my dream neighborhood. With my dream husband. Having my dream career. The rhythm and routine of everyday life is blissful for me right now. I don’t feel like “I need a vacation” or “to get away for a while.”

I deeply appreciate the joys of my everyday life. Like today, I had a slow morning. My tea ritual. An uninterrupted quiet time. I received a grocery delivery from Whole Foods and I’m excited to make the Jennifer Aniston salad. It’s also cherry season, my favorite. I’ll read a new clinical methodology book that I’m totally geeked out about. Then later, sit with my therapy clients in my beautiful newly decorated office that I can walk to from my house if I want to. Afterwards I’ll go on a run in my childhood neighborhood watching the sunset with a full heart because I love my career. I'll ponder how the little girl Andrea who used to walk these same sidewalks would be so proud of how far she's come. Then be with my husband tonight and watch our favorite show while eating popsicles. I’m living my best life.

I personally don’t have any desire to be traveling all over the world.

When I see people post about their trip to Paris or Italy and the amazing meals they ate and the breathtaking historical attractions, I don’t feel like I’m missing out. I really don’t care. Those things just don’t do it for me. Food and landmarks don’t inspire me or get me excited.

Sitting here writing this email, doing what I love, next to who I love, and looking at our fresh spring flower boxes outside my window is what makes me happy.

But when other people ask me, “Where are you all going on vacation this summer?” or “Any upcoming travel plans?” – I find myself experiencing a tinge of embarrassment. I feel like a weirdo when I tell them no. In typical Andrea style, I’m like, well, what’s that about. I feel confident in knowing who I am and what I want, but why do I feel embarrassed when I tell other people?

I got curious about this, and I realized that I’ve felt like a bit of a misfit my entire life. I’ve never liked anything traditional or conventional. I like to do my own thing. I only like to be with my people. I’m socially selective. I say no a lot. I love deep, meaningful conversations and intimate group settings where I can talk to people one-on-one. I can also be alone and not feel lonely.

I don’t want what most people want.

For example, I never had the desire to be a mom. I did have a desire to make a difference in the world, to care for people deeply, to change lives, and to leave a legacy for the next generation. But not as a mother.

I also didn’t want a wedding. I never dreamed of my wedding day. The whole seating-chart napkin-ring, picking out flower arrangements, sending out invitations, choosing a wedding party, selecting a venue/ caterer/ table settings – it all seemed obligatory and manufactured. Dare I say dreadful, even if I had a wedding planner. All of that for a few hours of celebration? Nope, not for me.

I did want a marriage. A great love. You don’t have to have a wedding to get married. Sharing this for those of you who feel embarrassed if you don’t want a wedding or didn’t have one for whatever reason. You also don’t have to have an engagement period after a proposal. You can just get married. When you know, you know.

I met my husband; we started talking and never stopped. I wanted someone I could be myself with. Someone I could really talk to. Our conversation chemistry is insane. Magnetic. I’ve never seen another couple who has what we have. And for those of you who know our story, I waited a long time for God to bring me a husband.

Dan’s my favorite human. Thankfully, another thing we share is that he doesn’t care to travel either. He traveled a ton before we got married and now that he has love, he says, “I just want to be with you.” There’s nothing better than mutual obsessive attachment. Says the therapist.

I was secretly grateful we got married during the pandemic because I didn’t have to explain to every single person why we weren’t having a wedding. Being married so I could be quarantined with my best friend was nonnegotiable. Maybe one day we will have a vow renewal with our closest friends and family and make it one big marriage celebration party. Any volunteers to coordinate this gathering so all I have to do is show up in a fantastically stunning white dress?

Anyways, back to misfit – Andrea who feels especially embarrassed about not traveling. Who doesn’t like conventional, traditional things. Who doesn’t want what most people want…

I don’t want to be busy. I do not want my day busy with a zillion tasks and things to do for people. It’s not for me. I don’t like it. Yes, I absolutely love working with my people. But I also love an open calendar. Some people prefer a full calendar. They like having every minute accounted for. God bless them. I don’t want a booked solid day. I don’t feel obligated to fill every single second. I really like having space. This is part of the reason I don’t need a vacation to escape stress and to rest.

I also don’t like holidays. I appreciate the meaning behind the holiday, but I find the commercialization, exhausting preparation, and high expectations annoying.

For example, for the 4th of July last year, the golf club my husband belongs to hosts a prominent celebration with professional fireworks. It’s spectacularly catered. It’s kind of a big deal. Members look forward to this event all year. I felt like we should go. We did. We made the best of it. The truth is, I don’t care about fireworks, and I don’t want to be with a crowd of people and have to stand around and make small talk and do a bunch of social engineering.

Although, I did wear this amazing red outfit and a woman came up to me and said, “if they were giving out a best dressed award for the evening, I’d vote for you.” We had a delightful one-on-one meaningful conversation, and I loved hearing her story and connecting with her on a deeper level.

All to say, this year we won't be going back to the club next month for the 4th.

And we also won’t be traveling for vacation this summer either.

And I don’t feel embarrassed to say it anymore.

I’ve learned to accept this about myself and feel confident in how God created me. In fact, now when people ask me about holiday plans and traveling - it’s opened up honest, vulnerable conversations that inspire others to embrace their weirdness and not feel embarrassed for being different. Whether it’s their unique personality, unconventional life choices, or deepest heart’s desires.

I’ve also learned to be open to the suddenly shifts that happen and to expect the unexpected. So, who knows, next year at this time we might be in Paris or Italy celebrating the 4th and I'm that person posting all about our trip on social media. Never say never, right?

My experience doesn’t need to be your reality. Hopefully this email will inspire you to take some time to think about who you are and what you really want without feeling embarrassed.

What’s that thing for you?

Let’s be weirdos together.

P.S. What are your vacation plans this summer? Kidding.

Ciao for now!

When Jesus Had a Firm Boundary + So Can You

Sometimes when I’m feeling overwhelmed with the demands of the day or I need a word of encouragement, I pull out my Bible and randomly open it. It’s something I’ve done since high school and the Bible always lands on the exact scripture verse I need. I’m a little embarrassed sharing this with you because it feels a bit immature or childish. Yet, it’s been a powerful practice for me over the years. I can get into a habit of overthinking when I’m feeling anxiety and stress, so it’s a simple way to get out of my head and into something tangible and concrete. It works!

Every. Single. Time.

It’s like a language the Holy Spirit and I share. I know that I know it’s Him speaking a word directly to my soul. I’m amazed at how accurate the exact scripture is to my present challenge and how it absolutely hits the bullseye of my heart. I feel a jolt of encouragement as I experience how Jesus is alive and present in my life. He intimately cares about my specific situation.

Yesterday I had an unusually busy day and I started to feel stressed about all the demands ahead of me even though they were all good things. But stress is stress, you know?

Anyway, I opened my Bible, and it landed on Matthew 15:28 (NKJ version):

“Then Jesus answered and said to her, O woman, great is your faith! Let it be to you as you desire.”

I got goosebumps, smiled, and immediately felt uplifted. As if Jesus was saying the words directly to me: I see your faith. I honor you reaching out to me for help today. I will give you your desire. I got the confidence and inner strength I desired to face the day knowing Jesus was with me.

This morning in my quiet time I decided to study this passage of scripture in context and discovered something I’d never focused on or realized prior…

Jesus had firm boundaries!

And He dealt with the pressure of people-pleasing.

Notice in the passage how Jesus felt pressure from both the woman and from His disciples. Here is The Message version (Matt.15:21-28):

From there Jesus took a trip to Tyre and Sidon. They had hardly arrived when a Canaanite woman came down from the hills and pleaded, “Mercy, Master, Son of David! My daughter is cruelly afflicted by an evil spirit.”

Jesus ignored her. The disciples came and complained, “Now she’s bothering us. Would you please take care of her? She’s driving us crazy.”

Jesus refused, telling them, “I’ve got my hands full dealing with the lost sheep of Israel.”

Then the woman came back to Jesus, dropped to her knees, and begged. “Master, help me.”

He said, “It’s not right to take bread out of children’s mouths and throw it to dogs.”

She was quick: “You’re right, Master, but beggar dogs do get scraps from the master’s table.”

Jesus gave in. He was moved by her faith and persistence. “Oh, woman, your faith is something else. What you want is what you get!” Right then her daughter became well.

That particular day, Jesus was fulfilling His ministry duties with “the lost sheep of Israel” and was not willing to help this woman. The Bible says that Jesus “ignored her” and “refused” the disciple’s request to “take care of her” because she was “driving them crazy.” At first, I felt, that’s kind of mean, Jesus! And not very “Christ-like.” HaHa. A little faith humor for you.

The freedom for me is that Jesus was human. He had limited capacity. He couldn’t meet the needs of everyone who came to Him for help.

I also appreciate the realness and frustration of the disciples who were bothered by the woman and probably tired, so they needed Jesus to take care of her. Jesus responded, “I’ve got my hands full.” It appears He was confident about His boundaries and knew His purpose for the day. He did not give into the pressure of people-pleasing from His disciplines or from the woman who clearly needed his help.

Yet, as you can see at the end of the passage, Jesus had a change of heart because He did help the woman after all: “He was moved by her faith and persistence.” But it was clearly not His norm. He had firm boundaries and would not let anyone interfere. It appears Jesus did not help the woman out of obligation, but because He was moved by her faith and was inspired by her persistence.

I can hear some of you now, “well, Andrea – I’m not Jesus. He was healing people and performing miracles.” To that I say, whatever your purpose is, do not minimize it. You are here for a reason. I think Jesus would be sad if you felt insignificant in His kingdom, no matter what your unique role is. Ministry, motherhood, or a career.

Having boundaries around your purpose and knowing what your priorities are, I believe, helps with people-pleasing and being OK with being disliked or disappointing people. I don’t want my need to be needed or liked to diminish God’s purpose for the people He has called me to help. If I guilt myself into helping others out of obligation and not inspiration, it’s not really helping them.

I find validation from Jesus’s firm boundaries and refusal to people-please. And from the disciple’s annoyance and frustration. And from the woman’s vulnerable request and her courage in not taking no for an answer. I think a part of us can personally relate to all three experiences.

In your corner of the world…

Who are the people you feel Jesus is calling you to right now?

What is the work you need to make a priority above all else?

How can you set firm boundaries and say no to other things and relationships without feeling selfish, guilty, or mean about it?

Who is a safe person to vent to about the people who, like the disciples, are driving you crazy!?

And allow yourself to be flexible about making a boundary exception when you feel led to or inspired every once and a while?

What is your “desire” that you need Jesus to fulfill? Be persistent with your faith in asking Him. Be the “your faith is something else woman!”

What a gift that in our present-day life, Jesus is always available to us through the Holy Spirit. Jesus explains to the disciples in John chapter 14 (The Amplified Bible, version):

“The Father will give you another Comforter, Counselor, Helper, Intercessor, Advocate, Strengthener, and Standby, that He may remain with you forever.” (v 16)

“The Spirit of Truth lives with you constantly and will be with you.” (v 17)

“The Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in my place, to represent Me and act on My behalf. He (the Holy Spirit) will teach you all things.” (v 26)

Well, the Holy Spirit definitely taught me something today in my quiet time and for that I am grateful.

P.S. Please excuse any typos and grammatical errors. I felt inspired because this realization was too good not to share with you - hoping you find encouragement. I’m embracing my humanness over here on the other side of your screen. So, I did not have the capacity to proofread. I had to ignore that pressure to people-please, set a boundary for myself, and move on with my purpose to help my people for the day!

My Hidden Season

It’s been a while…

Hi!

I’ve been trying to write this blog post to you for the last few months. You haven’t received a post from me in a while because I’m in my hidden season.

Writing is my “hobby” and when I’m not writing for you – I’m writing for me.

Writing is not just a hobby and a passion. It’s part of my calling. My calling is the place where my soul feels settled. It’s the place where I learn something in my own life and take what I experienced and share it with you. It’s not only the learning, but also the sharing that completes the process for me. In my hidden season, I’m being inspired. I’m reading. I’m researching. I’m experiencing life.

Without experiencing life away from writing, there is nothing to write.

I have seasons of writing and seasons of living. I need to live to be inspired. To bring my inspiration into something tangible, lessons to be shared with you, I must wander. I must gather inspiration. I guess this is the cycle of creativity. This is also the way of peace.

Oh, and I also completely refurnished and decorated my therapy office (I’m in a new suite now). That’s an email for another time of what God did. Next time you see me, ask me and I’ll tell you the story. See below for a partial photo. (Head over to my social media, @andreaandersonpolk, for additional photos and a video :) I went for a feminine, warm, and inviting ambiance. A friend who saw it said, “I just want to sit and tell you my life story and all my secrets.” Yup. That’s the vibe I’m going for.

Anyway, back to my hidden season. I always know when my hidden season has arrived because my desire to write vanishes.

Poof, it’s gone.

I never put stuff out there just to put it out there. I must live it and feel it so you can feel it too. I want my writing to be personal and relatable. I want to inspire, not impress. To go deep, not wide.

Writing is a co-creation with the Holy Spirit. If I don’t feel Him with me that’s how I know my writing is ego-driven and not Spirit-driven. That’s a yucky feeling. It’s draining. It’s not life-giving. It’s saturated with comparison, pride, perfectionism, and being disconnected from myself.

Been there done that.

My part is to surrender to the Spirit’s creative work inside me not trying to speed it up. I’m enjoying the tempo of the Spirit and letting Him set the pace. I am making space to listen which brings the heart healing and soul-shifting transformations. This only happens when I am still and radically honest with myself. 

I used to fear the hidden seasons. However, I came to realize during these quieter times in my life is often when the most profound and human work of all is being completed. It’s about the invisible not the visible, you know? I’m continually silencing the nagging voice of all I believe I “should be” doing. Now I am thankful for the nothing big, important, or special seems to be happening type of days.

All to say, I’m excited about what I’m learning and experiencing. I don’t know about you, but when I am growing and being convicted in a particular area of my life it seems as though Jesus speaks in unexpected ways to reinforce the same message over and over. That way I undoubtedly know it’s Him. I experience something greater than myself. The process is awe-inspiring.

There’s an intimacy with Jesus that I cherish in my hidden season. What is birthed from my hidden season is an unshakable self-confidence and unwavering faith in Jesus that apart from Him I can do nothing.

Don’t get me wrong, I have moments where I feel a self-inflicted pressure to be seen. Like when I’m tempted to show up for you here and prematurely start sharing. Insert yuck. As you can see, I’ve resisted this temptation because I haven’t shared any new blog posts with you in 2024 until now.

I prefer to pop on here with words that are in alignment with my calling and not because I need external validation or recognition. Writing only works for me when it comes from wisdom within. All I need is my journal, Jesus, and you. I receive so much feedback from all of you. It is about relationship. It always feels FUN.

To be fully transparent, I am glad my book promoting and PR season is over. The content for my book all came together because I had been studying, practicing, and teaching about the topics covered inside for a decade. I sat down to write only if I was moved to do so. Because of inspiration gained both personally and professionally. The words poured out. Then one day, suddenly, I realized I had completed a manuscript. Then one day, suddenly, years after that, I met someone unexpectedly who said they wanted to publish it.

The doors that are meant for you will open. You don't have to rush through and force them. The opportunities that are behind them need you and want you just as much as you need and want them. It's all about timing. Divine Timing.

The truth is, I don’t care about being a famous author. I care about being a happy writer. And what makes me happy is reaching a handful of people that tell me it’s as if my words were written just for them. That for the first time in their life, they have language for what they couldn’t quite put their finger on.

The book was birthed in a hidden season, but that season has passed, more like expired. So, it’s time to be newly inspired. Which means you haven’t heard from me in a while.

I am very excited about the things that are inspiring me right now and I can’t wait to share them with you at some point. I’ve got a stack of books I’m reading, topics I’m researching, and experts I’m consulting. All because I’ve been working through these things in my own life.

When the time is right, these things may become another book, a devotional, a video series, a podcast, or more blog posts to you like this. Whatever the thing may be, I’ll be in a blissful flow.

To give you a taste of one of the many things…I’m learning about the science behind why boundaries are so important, how a people - pleasing personality negatively affects our body, and why trusting our gut it is essential to our health. How saying no and feeling repressed anger helps prevent prolonged stress that can cause cancer, chronic pain, and other diseases. How the nature of stress is not necessarily extreme external factors like getting fired, money loss, or death -it’s actually the internal stress of constantly having to adjust oneself to others. I love when science aligns with scripture which validates my convictions which confirms my difficult decisions. I feel like a total nerd as I’m typing this.

Hmmm, what else…

I’ll probably begin with the thing that feels like it contains the most gravity which is the identity crisis I had a few years ago. At some point I’ll share that story with you. I feel compelled to. Remember the must-share-my-experience-with-others-in-order-to-complete-it calling I spoke about earlier? This is my favorite one to share. During that time, I scared myself. But then I reinvented my myself. I redefined what success looks like for me. Life post- identity crisis these days is characterized by 90% peace and happiness (10% leeway because sometimes life throws unexpected curve balls).

Speaking of peace, that’s another thing I’ll be sharing with you eventually. My entire life is set up to protect my peace. No matter what. It’s my new way of being. I’ve been able to live this way because I wholeheartedly figured out who I am and what I want. More to come on the intense, inner work it took to get here.

In the meantime, I’m experiencing life and being inspired. I’m also grieving the end of the colder months since spring arrived (I know, I’m weird). I’m spending time with my people. I’m savoring the little things. I’m surrounded by notepads. I’m reexamining my relationship with ambition. I’m protecting my peace. I’m enjoying speaking at women’s gatherings because they light up my soul.  My psychotherapy practice is flourishing and soul enriching as always.

My husband continually surprises me with joy. And every time I look at him – I’m like, oh yeah, if God can suddenly bring me you, He can do aaaaaanything. I mean, hello, I waited so long for a great love.

I'm sensing that another upcoming thing I want to share with you is how God moves suddenly. As you can see from this post, it's been a pattern in my life. Lots to say about this.

I’m allowing the hiddenness of this season to run its course and fully enjoy it because BAM! once it’s time to write, my ambition will kick in and I’m instantly transported to the obsession. I let my passion become an obsession. Then life will come back to beckon me again. And so, the cycle of creativity continues.

I’m not sure when you’ll hear from me next. I don’t pretend to know. There are no three words more freeing to me right now than: I don’t know. That’s the beauty of it. That’s the adventure of this hidden season.

*

P.S. I encourage you to wait for the deeper knowing. To listen for the gentle whisper within telling you not yet. To stop forcing something when it's not inspiring or exciting you. If you're in dread - take a time out. Even if you told others about it, don't be embarrassed to change your mind. Well, what will they think? Who cares! Be honest if you've lost motivation. All for the purpose of believing that in due time it will come back in freedom and flow. Wait for it to be fun. To wake up really excited again.

P.S.S. I thought it appropriate to place this post in the blog category on my website, "Things I'm Loving + Learning" because I want to continue to share with you what I'm learning in my own life personally.

25 Helpful Boundaries for the Holidays + All Year Round

Are you dealing with the stress of navigating difficult friends and family members this holiday season?

You are not alone.

All year round I talk with clients about setting boundaries in their relationships. Typically, they request examples of specific language to use to communicate their wants, needs, and limits to others.

The holidays are often a time when boundaries are necessary, but difficult to establish due to various expectations, traditions, or behaviors of others.

Here are some helpful boundaries to get you started: “Thanks for the invitation. We always enjoy your company. However, we will be doing our own thing this year. It's been a busy, stressful few months.”“I appreciate you opening your home to us, yet we prefer to stay in a hotel. Having downtime with each other between activities is important.”“We are looking forward to being together, but we can only stay for a couple of hours.”“I know I agreed to prepare the holiday meal for everyone. Now I'm realizing that I need help because I’m feeling overwhelmed.”“Thank you for including me in your fun plans, however, I prefer to set my own schedule for the day because I need dome downtime to rest.”“I understand how passionate you are; however, I’d like to change the subject and avoid political discussions. I find them stressful.” “I have a limited budget, so I’m unable to contribute that $ amount and/or bring that # of dishes for the meal. Can we brainstorm some other options?”

“I appreciate your concern, however, please do not give me parenting or relationship advice, and do not discipline my children or treat my partner poorly."

The truth is…

It’s OK to not go all out decorating your home this year.

It's OK to not send out the "perfect" family Christmas cards.

It’s OK to skip preparing for the Big Fancy Meal and order takeout instead.

It’s OK to celebrate the holidays with NEITHER side of the family and do your own thing.

It’s OK to turn down invitations for that holiday party/dinner/gathering and watch your favorite movies with a hot cup of cocoa instead.

It’s OK to take this year off from buying gifts for friends and extended family.

It’s OK to take a bath, a nap, and read a book instead of searching for online shopping deals or participating in every single activity.

It's about the people in front of you. Cherishing and celebrating one person at a time. The holiday season is only as stressful as you allow it to be. Christmas is a week away - make it special, not stressful.

It's about the birth of Jesus who is our Prince of Peace.

Boundaries for protecting your peace, time, and energy can look like: “I am thankful you called, but I only have 10 minutes to talk.”

"I hear you that you miss me and feel I don't spend enough time with you; can we enjoy this time we have together now?"“Today is not a good day for you to visit. May I touch base with you when things calm down?”“Rather than stopping by unannounced, please ask first if it’s a good time to come over.”When someone is trying to force their opinion on you or engage in conversation that feels emotionally inappropriate, you can say: “I’m not asking for feedback right now.” “I need time to think on that. I’ll respond when I’m ready.”“I’m not comfortable discussing this topic any longer.” “I’d rather not explain myself or give reasons for my decision."In severe cases where it's apparent the other person does not want to honor your boundaries and your interactions become heated and intense, you can say: "It seems this conversation has turned into a debate, and I am uninterested in building a case against each other.""We seem to be at a standstill. Let's agree to disagree.""I’m going to end this call (or walk away) because I feel hurt and need space.”

"It feels like you are more interested in being right than prioritizing our relationship." Boundaries related to self-care and expressing your personal needs can look like:“When I wake up, I need 20 minutes of quiet time every morning to journal, pray, and meditate.” “I am looking forward to hearing about your day. However, I need to go for a walk every day after work to move my body and clear my head.”“I have an important work project due. I need you to take care of the household chores this week so I can meet my deadline.”“This weekend, I’m planning on having a day date just for me. I need you not to make plans with friends or family.”“When I share an issue I’m struggling with, although I value your wisdom - I need you to listen to me vent and provide comfort instead of trying to fix it.”“I need some alone time before bed to zone out and relax after an evening out with friends. Would you mind not interrupting me?” “I need words of affirmation; it would mean so much if you would compliment me more often.”

Make sure you offer mutual respect when the people close to you express their needs.

Feeling guilty when you express needs and set boundaries - especially during the holidays?

What everyone else does to celebrate the holidays is not always what is best for you.

For example:

After considerable discussion, you and your spouse make the decision that for the holidays this year you are going to vacation together and enjoy a relaxing change of pace. You want to spend much-needed fun time just the two of you. You need to take a break from the hustle and bustle of dealing with extended family - stressing over meal planning, scheduling activities, arguing over who gets what room, financial contribution disagreements, and engaging in the same draining religious and political conversations year after year.

You finally muster up the courage to kindly and compassionately tell your extended family you will not be spending the holidays with them this year. They are sad, shocked, and disappointed by your decision. Understandably so.

"How can you break this precious family tradition? After all, you have time off work, a nice vacation home, and space for everyone - making it so much easier on all of us.” Your family continues about how their lives are more stressful than yours and how they really need a break. “Why can’t you go on vacation just the two of you another time? Don’t you want to make Christmas memories together with us?”

After engaging with them, you feel the emotional weight of making yourself responsible for everyone's happiness. So, you tell your spouse, “Let’s just host everyone one more year.”

Can you relate to giving into the needs of others at the expense of your own?

These decisions seem minuscule at first, but when the pattern continues in your relationships throughout the year (chronic caretaking, one-sided relationships, putting other people’s needs above yours, or having no boundaries), you eventually find yourself depleted, secretly resentful, and joyless.

You gradually lose yourself trying to please everyone else.

The above example may not specifically apply to you or be hard to implement depending on your family dynamics...

Perhaps you have children so it's not just the two of you, yet you still need to take a break from celebrating the holidays with your extended family or not be the host this year. Or you're divorced and your ex has the children this Christmas and you need to say no to most of the invitations from friends and family offering for you to join their gathering. Because although it's thoughtful, it's also painful. Maybe you're single or you've experienced a recent loss and don't want to be alone, yet the idea of being with others who are joyful seems lonely and equally sad.

Either way - go on that vacation, take the space you need, say no, set the boundary, protect your peace, and guard your heart.

I can hear you now. That’s easier said than done. I couldn’t agree more. It’s not just setting the boundary that is difficult. It’s how you feel after you set the boundary that is equally difficult.

People will most often be upset and disappointed when you set a boundary because your behavior is no longer serving or benefiting them.

Or they simply miss you because they enjoy your company. You're an amazing person! I don't know about you, but I find it more difficult to set boundaries in mutually life-giving relationships with the people closest to me who are healthy and wonderful to spend time with. Whenever I say no, I must remind myself that they know my heart and will understand.

Trust your intuition and use wisdom when making compromises or sacrifices with regards to your boundaries. There's a difference between people-pleasing, codependent behavior and allowing yourself to be flexible about boundaries when you feel led or inspired from time to time. They key is learning what you make your boundaries mean about you.

When my clients learn to set boundaries, they tell me how guilty they feel. Setting boundaries can be misconstrued as selfish, mean, a lack of caring, or even ungodly. For this reason, as you begin to set boundaries, anxiety or guilt tends to show up. This is usually because your pattern of people-pleasing or self-neglect is deep-rooted, typically stemming in childhood.

Setting boundaries (saying no, standing up for yourself) often triggers an unconscious fear of abandonment due to the possibility of losing the relationship. Losing your parents' approval. Experiencing the silent treatment or even being punished. Being told you're disobedient and disrespectful when that's not true about you. Your behavior might have triggered their issues and insecurities resulting in being treated inappropriately and unfairly. Perhaps you experienced this pattern growing up.

As a result, you may falsely believe the narrative that your healthy need for independence and embracing who you are and what you need is wrong or sinful. That’s why many of us say yes when we really mean no because it is easier to avoid conflict and not risk rejection.

It takes consistency and courage to be OK with allowing others to be disappointed, hurt, or angry with you. It also requires resisting the urge to be responsible for others' happiness. And not making your post-boundary guilt mean you are selfish.

You might be thinking, isn’t family everything ?

Even though someone is a family member, it does not mean you’re obligated to have a relationship with them if they continually hurt or disrespect you. Many well-meaning people believe that the actions of family should be completely overlooked, even calling it Christ-like. That we should just “get over” certain things. That we should ignore our own needs and put family first, no matter the cost.

Family does not mean a continual sacrifice of your mental and emotional well-being. For many people, family is a safe place of support. It’s people you can depend on and where you can fully be yourself and unconditionally loved as you are (boundaries included). For others, it’s not.

Perhaps you cannot cut family members out of your life, but you can set boundaries, refrain from closeness and deep conversations, or not see them regularly.

Recognize that people who do not want to respect your boundaries typically do not want to understand them and, therefore, cannot honor them. Mentally rehearsing conversations on how to get them to get it only drains your energy because you feel emotionally responsible. Instead, work on loving them from a distance, letting go of pleasing them, and show up in a way that is not costly to you.

Overcoming hardwired people-pleasing patterns takes hard work and commitment to believing the truth that you are not doing something wrong when you make room for your true self in relationships. And that having boundaries and expressing needs is healthy and human.

So, for all you people-pleasers who have a big heart to help and care deeply for others but feel emotionally responsible for carrying the weight of your relationships…

Take it as a sign of healing if you feel guilty or selfish when you set a boundary. The uneasiness you experience is often your pathway to peace and growth!

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Need help dealing with difficult friends and family members and setting boundaries or with any of these concepts above? Get in touch to request a therapy appointment.

Helpful Boundaries for the Holidays and Beyond

Are you dealing with the stress of navigating difficult family members this holiday season? You are not alone.

Here are some helpful boundaries to get you started: “Thanks for the invitation. However, we will be doing our own thing this year.”“I appreciate you opening your home to us, but we’d prefer to stay in a hotel.”“We are looking forward to being together, but we can only stay for a couple of hours.”“I need help preparing the meal; I’m feeling overwhelmed.”“I prefer to set my own schedule for the day and do what is restful for me.”“I’d like to change the subject and avoid political discussions. I find them stressful.” “I have a limited budget, so I’m unable to contribute that $ amount and/or bring that # of dishes for the meal.”

“Please do not give me parenting or relationship advice, and do not discipline my children or treat my partner poorly."

The truth is…

It’s OK not to go all out decorating your home this year. It’s OK to skip preparing for the Big Meal and order takeout instead. It’s OK to celebrate the holidays with NEITHER side of the family and do your own thing. It’s OK to turn down invitations for that holiday party/dinner/gathering and watch movies instead. It’s OK to take this year off from buying gifts for friends and extended family. It’s OK to take a bath, a nap, or read a book instead of searching for online shopping deals.

Boundaries for protecting your peace, time, and energy can look like: “I only have 10 minutes to talk.”“Today is not a good day for you to visit.”“Rather than stopping by unannounced, please ask first if it’s a good time to come over.”When someone is trying to force their opinion on you or engage in conversation that feels emotionally inappropriate, you can say: “I’m not asking for feedback right now.” “I need time to think on that. I’ll respond when I’m ready.”“I’m not comfortable discussing this topic any longer.” “I’d rather not explain myself or give reasons for my decision."In severe cases where it's apparent the other person does not want to honor your boundaries and your interactions become heated and intense, you can say: "It seems this conversation has turned into a debate, and I am uninterested in building a case against each other.""We seem to be at a standstill. Let's agree to disagree.""I’m going to end this call (or walk away) because I feel hurt and need space.”Boundaries related to self-care and expressing your personal needs can look like:“When I wake up, I need 20 minutes of quiet time every morning to journal, pray, and meditate.” “I need to go for a walk every day after work to move my body and clear my head.”“I have an important work project due. I need you to take care of the household chores this week so I can meet my deadline.”“This weekend, I’m planning on having a day date just for me. I need you not to make plans with friends or family.”“When I share an issue I’m struggling with, I need you to listen to me vent instead of trying to fix it.”“I need some alone time before bed to zone out and relax after an evening out with friends. Would you mind not interrupting me?” “I need words of affirmation; it would mean so much if you would compliment me more often.”

Feeling guilty when you set a boundary - especially during the holidays?

What everyone else does to celebrate the holidays is not always what is best for you.

For example:

After considerable discussion, you and your spouse make the decision that for the holidays this year you are going to vacation together and enjoy a relaxing change of pace. You want to spend some much-needed fun time with just the two of you. You want to take a break from the hustle and bustle of dealing with extended family - stressing over meal planning, scheduling activities, arguing over who gets what room, financial contribution disagreements, and engaging in the same draining religious and political conversations year after year.

You finally muster up the courage to kindly tell your extended family you will not be spending the holidays with them this year. They respond by trying to guilt-trip you into changing your mind. They are sad, shocked, and disappointed at your decision.

"How can you break this precious family tradition? After all, you have time off work, a nice vacation home, and space for everyone, making it so much easier on all of us.” Your family continues about how their lives are more stressful than yours and how they really need a break. “Why can’t you go on vacation just the two of you another time? Don’t you want to make Christmas memories together with us?”

After engaging with them, you feel the emotional weight of making yourself responsible for everyone's happiness. So, you tell your spouse, “Let’s just host everyone one more year.”

Sound familiar?

These decisions seem minuscule at first, but when the pattern continues in your relationships throughout the year (chronic caretaking, one-sided relationships, putting other people’s needs above your own, having no boundaries), you eventually find yourself depleted, secretly resentful, and joyless.

You gradually lose yourself trying to please everyone else.

I can hear you now. That’s easier said than done. I couldn’t agree more. It’s not just setting the boundary that is difficult. It’s how you feel after you set the boundary that is equally difficult.

People will most often be upset and disappointed when you set a boundary because your behavior is no longer serving or benefiting them.

When my clients learn to set boundaries, they tell me how guilty they feel. Setting boundaries can be misconstrued as selfish, mean, a lack of caring, or even ungodly. For this reason, as you begin to set boundaries, anxiety or shame tends to show up. This is because your pattern of people-pleasing or self-neglect is deep-rooted, typically stemming in childhood.

Setting boundaries often triggers an unconscious fear of abandonment due to the possibility of losing the relationship. Perhaps you experienced this pattern growing up. That’s why many of us say yes when we really mean no because it is easier to avoid conflict and not risk rejection. It takes consistency and courage to be OK with allowing others to be disappointed, hurt, or angry with you. It also requires resisting the urge to be responsible for others' happiness.

Even though someone is a family member, it does not mean you’re obligated to have a relationship with them if they continue to hurt or disrespect you. You might be thinking, isn’t family everything? Many well-meaning people believe that the actions of family should be completely overlooked, even calling it Christlike. That we should just “get over” certain things. That we should ignore our own needs and put family first, no matter the cost.

Family does not mean a continual sacrifice of your mental and emotional well-being. For many people, family is a safe place of support. It’s people you can depend on and where you can fully be yourself and loved as you are. For others, it’s not. Perhaps you cannot cut family members out of your life, but you can set boundaries, refrain from closeness and deep conversations, or not see them regularly.

Recognize that people who do not want to respect your boundaries do not want to understand them and, therefore, cannot honor them. Mentally rehearsing conversations on how to get them to get it only drains your energy because you feel responsible. Instead, work on letting go of pleasing them and show up in a way that is not costly to you.

Overcoming hardwired people-pleasing patterns takes hard work and a deep commitment to believing the truth that you are not doing something wrong when you make room for yourself in relationships.

So, for all you people-pleasers who have a big heart to help and care for others but feel emotionally responsible for carrying the weight of your relationships…

Take it as a sign of growth and healing if you feel guilty and selfish when you set a boundary. That’s how you know you’re on the right path!