Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 19

Debbie Millman: “You Don’t Find the Time to Do Something; You Make the Time to Do Things.”

Interview: Debbie Millman

Named “one of the most creative people in business” by Fast Company, and “one of the most influential designers working today” by Graphic Design USA, Debbie Millman is also the author of seven books, a curator, and the host of the podcast Design Matters. Design Matters is one of the first and longest running podcasts, and as host and founder, Millman has interviewed nearly 500 of the most creative people in the world over the past 17 years.

Now she has a new book. Why Design Matters: Conversations with the World's Most Creative People (Amazon, Bookshop) just hit the shelves.

I couldn't wait to talk to Debbie about habits, happiness, and creativity.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Debbie: The only thing I try to do every single day is get at least 7 hours of sleep! Sleep is SO important; it is when you regenerate your brain cells and your body. If I don’t get enough sleep, I definitely can not be creative.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

I wish I knew that anything worthwhile takes a long time. I wish I knew that things would turn out okay by the time I was in my forties. I wish I knew enough not to be so afraid to go after what I really wanted.

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you—or your readers—most?

After an interview with the writer Dani Shapiro on my podcast, Design Matters, she and I started to talk about the role of confidence in success. During the conversation, Dani said that she felt confidence was highly overrated. I was instantly intrigued. Most overly confident people, she said, were really annoying. And the most confident people were usually arrogant. Over-exuding confidence was a sure sign that a person was compensating for some type of internal psychological deficit.

Dani argued that courage was more important than confidence. When you are acting from a place of courage, you are saying that no matter how you feel about yourself or your opportunities or the outcome, you are going to take a risk and take a step toward what you want. You are willing to allow yourself to be vulnerable—in showing your art, starting a business that might succeed or fail, having an opinion on something, being in a relationship. You are not waiting for the confidence to mysteriously arrive.

I believe that confidence is achieved through repeated success. Repeated success provides a foundation that exudes confidence. Really smart people don’t have to prove that they are smart; they exude intelligence. It isn’t heavy-handed or showy. You can’t tell someone you are smart or intelligent and expect they will automatically believe you. Authentic confidence is more internal; it isn’t cocky or arrogant. If you have to “tell” people you are confident, chances are you are insecure about its authenticity.

Confidence is achieved through that willingness to continually put yourself in vulnerable situations. Success or failure has nothing to do with it. I know people who launched a startup that tanked, had their art project excoriated by critics, or went through a difficult breakup, yet they’re still confident; they see the experience as something that helped them along their path, and they remain willing to continue on it. Perhaps confidence comes from a certain equanimity that arises from not putting too much stock in whether you’re celebrated or rejected. “Failure” is an arbitrary label, and the most psychologically healthy people I know tend to reframe it as an experiment that gave them valuable insight. So celebrate your flubs, your rejections, your vulnerability—they mean that you’re taking the risks necessary to grow.

The act of being courageous—taking that first step—is much more critical to a successful outcome than the notion of feeling confident while engaged in the process. Courage requires faith in your ability before you experience any repeated success. But that doesn’t mean taking that first step will be easy. It won’t. Taking ANY step for the first time is difficult and there is a tremendous amount of vulnerability and nervousness you are likely going to experience. But experiencing that vulnerability and nervousness doesn’t give you an excuse not to take the step. There is a wonderful scene in the third installment of Indiana Jones wherein Indy knows he has to step on a path he actually can’t see; it is not visible to the naked eye. But in his heart he knows it’s there, and he knows that he must take the first step to fulfill his destiny. Without seeing the pathway, he puts one foot in front of the other and steps into the unknown. And just like that, a visible pathway appears in front of him and he is able to cross it. Courage is the foundation for authentic confidence. Taking a first step creates courage which will grow with every repetitive step you take.

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit—or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

Many people organize their life around avoiding failure and rejection. Mostly they do this because they feel undeserving or not capable of achieving what they really want. I believe that most of our sense of inadequacy is self-constructed. I lived this way for most of my life, but nobody was telling me that I couldn’t do something; nobody was telling me that I couldn’t succeed. I convinced myself of this and lived in my self-imposed reality. I think a lot of people do this. They self-sabotage and create all sorts of reasons for not doing things under the misguided assumption that, at some random point in the future, they might feel better about themselves and that will finally allow them to take a risk. I don’t think that ever happens. You have to work your way through it and do it as if you have no other choice—because you don’t. You just don’t. And if you do manage to take a stand for something you want, as I still working on doing, that little bit of pride helps you reconsider what is possible—both for yourself and in the world.

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?

An Obliger!

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness?

Does self-sabotage count?

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

I recently realized that I am happiest when I am making things. I have been making things for as long as I can remember. When I was a little girl, I made my own coloring books, I made my own paper dolls, I made dioramas, and I even tried to make my own perfume by crushing rose petals into baby oil. I made barrette boxes out of Popsicle sticks, key chains out of lanyards, ashtrays out of clay and Halloween costumes out of construction paper and old sheets. These days I am happiest when I am making something from nothing: it could be a podcast, a magazine, a lesson plan, a presentation, a garden, a meal or a book. If I am making something and being creative, I am happy.

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

My personal motto is this: Busy is a decision. Of the many, many excuses people use to rationalize why they can’t do something, the excuse “I am too busy” is not only the most inauthentic, it is also the laziest. I don’t believe in “too busy.” I think that busy is a decision. We do the things we want to do, period. If we say we are too busy, it is shorthand for “not important enough.” It means you would rather be doing something else that you consider more important. That “thing” could be sleep, it could be sex, or it could be watching 90 Day Fiance. If we use busy as an excuse for not doing something what we are really, really saying is that it’s not a priority. Simply put: you don’t find the time to do something; you make the time to do things. We are now living in a society that sees busy as a badge. It has become cultural cache to use the excuse “I am too busy,” as a reason for not doing anything we don’t feel like doing. The problem is this: if you let yourself off the hook for not doing something for ANY reason, you won’t ever do it. If you want to do something, you can’t let being busy stand in the way, even if you are busy. Make the time to do the things you want to do and then do them.

Has a book ever changed your life—if so, which one and why?

I first read Love In The Time Of Cholera (Amazon, Bookshop) by Gabriel Garcia Marquez in the late 1980s. The book takes place in an unnamed port city in the Caribbean and remains unnamed throughout the novel. Headstrong Fermina Daza is the female lead in the story, and after a brief love affair through letters with Florentino Ariza, she ultimately rejects him and marries Juvenal Urbino. Lovesick and forlorn, Ariza is obsessed and tormented by his love for Fermina Daza. “It’s no use,” he tells his uncle at the beginning of the novel, “Love is the only thing that interests me.” And love he does! Though Florentino Ariza believes that Fermina Daza is his soulmate and vows to remain faithful to her, he proceeds to engage in 662 affairs over the next 50 years. He does this while sincerely believing that he is saving his heart and his virginity for her. When Fermina’s husband finally dies, Ariza immediately returns to her, and she slowly she understands that she has loved him all along. They embark on a voyage to sail the Magdalena River, and in an effort to keep other passengers from boarding the boat, the captain raises the yellow flag of cholera. He asks Ariza how long they can possibly keep coming and going in this manner. “Forever” is his one-word reply. This book showed me what love what love really is. I believe that Love in the Time of Cholera is perhaps the most perfect book ever written.

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

I find the role of branding now incredibly, incredibly exciting and a lot of that has to do with the energy and intellect of the new generation of designers and makers. Movements such as Black Lives Matter and #MeToo are some of the most important instigators of change to enter our cultural discourse in a long time. Design has finally become democratized, and these efforts are not about anything commercial. These efforts have not been initiated for any financial benefit. They have been created by the people for the people to serve the highest purpose design has: to bring people together for the benefit of humanity. This is creating an environment wherein design and branding are not just tools of capitalism, rather they have become profound manifestations of the human spirit.

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Jackie Higgins: “Release Your Inner Star-Nosed Mole.”

Interview: Jackie Higgins.

Jackie Higgins is a television documentary director and writer who studied zoology at Oxford University. She made wildlife films for the BBC, National Geographic, and The Discovery Channel. She then joined the BBC's science department, researching and writing, directing and producing programs such as Tomorrow's World and Horizon.

Her new book, Sentient: How Animals Illuminate the Wonder of Our Human Senses (Amazon, Bookshop) hits shelves today. It's an absolutely fascinating look at the natural world.

I couldn't wait to talk to Jackie about happiness, habits, and the senses.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Jackie: Getting out the front door for a walk, in rain or shine, with or without my whippet.

The filmmaker Werner Herzog said that ‘the world reveals itself to those who travel on foot.’ He was talking about Bruce Chatwin like pilgrimages, but I don’t think you have to travel far, a quick turn round the block will do. There is something about moving through the world that enlivens the senses. Simply looking or listening, feeling or even smelling what's around me is so immersive that I forget myself; allowing my senses to soak up the outer world stills that inner chatter. Walking is a tonic for many things; it makes you healthier, staves off the blues, but also it makes me more creative. Often ideas with which I've been wrangling need time to germinate, in the dark, away from my focus. So a walk can clear even the most stubborn case of writer’s block.

And I haven't even mentioned, the happiness of simply being outdoors, in nature. Or the joy I feel watching Zero, my whippet, explode from zero to... goodness knows what speed. Like the cheetah in my book Sentient, his small head and slender body mean that he's an arrow and at full throttle, essentially airborne. In fact, the only time his feet truly connect with earth is when he takes corners and ends up keening over at such an angle that his flanks almost scuff the ground. Four-legged euphoria!

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

Proust was wrong... not that at age 18 I knew about Proust's madeleine dipped in a cup of tea, but I learned about his error while researching Sentient.

When in In Search of Lost Time (Amazon, Bookshop), he wrote, 'No sooner had the warm liquid mixed with the crumbs touched my palate than a shudder ran through me... an exquisite pleasure,' Proust elided memories of childhood and happiness with his sense of taste. He could not have known that he was actually talking more about his sense of smell. Since, science has shown that our brain hoodwinks us into thinking that flavour is sensed on the tongue, when in reality most of the hard work is done by our nose.  

Last year, I experienced this first hand on catching Covid. I noticed things weren't right when my favourite morning ritual of a home-ground cup of coffee tasted revolting. Then, the experiences of other drinks and foods dulled. I had lost my sense of smell, not taste, and as so often is the case, I had to lose it, to grasp its worth. The loss extended beyond flavour; the world seemed drained of colour and vibrancy. I couldn't put my finger on it, but scouring scientific journals and books, again for Sentient, offered an answer.

It turns out that our sense of smell has an intimate relationship with part of our brain that deals with emotion. Consequently, it has been called the most 'emotionally connected sense'. The neuroscientist Rachel Herz says, 'I have often wondered whether we would have emotions if we did not have a sense of smell,' adding with a nod to a certain French philosopher, 'I smell, therefore I feel'. What a thought. A Peanuts cartoon might put it: happiness is... under our nose. And as one of my chapters proposes... so too our sense of desire. But that's another story.

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

Yes, many, but let's start with Aristotle, who woefully underestimated himself and every one of us when he declared we have five senses: sight, smell, hearing, touch and taste, what you've called ambassador senses (I like that). Sentient explores these and others, indeed twelve in all, but that is just the start. Today, most scientists would agree we have more.

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised, intrigued or affected you – or your readers – most?

Some of my readers are most surprised by the exceptional animals. Whether the star-nosed mole whose star-shaped nose, the size of our little finger tip, has six times the touch sensitivity of the palm of our hand. Or the male great peacock moth that can smell a female three miles away. Or the octopus whose strange sense of body means that it might not register what its arms are up to. Other readers are more intrigued by the discovery of the senses ignored by Aristotle: our secret senses.

I was most affected by the people whom I met who related sensory experiences beyond the usual. I was honoured that they allowed me to share their stories. Whether the woman whose sense of pain misfires so sometimes she can feel as if on fire. Or the man who on losing his sight, discovered he had also lost his sense of time. Or the man who awoke one morning to discover he could not feel his body. He told me the experience was more profound than the numbness of an aesthetic; with eyes closed, he had no sense where his body lay. It was if he had been disembodied.

What is your book’s ultimate message?

I was delighted you invited me onto your blog because my hope is that Sentient brings readers happiness.  Craig Foster of My Octopus Teacher told me it is brimming with my love for nature — that made me glow. Ultimately, the book's message is one of joy, of optimism and of infinite possibility.

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger? 

A questioner. My mother was a biology teacher (the beady-eyed will notice that I dedicated the book to her). She always asked, and still does, that queen of questions: why? That said, I've taken your online quiz, so would love to know if I'm mistaken and my answer is wishful thinking. 

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness? (e.g. travel, parties, email)

Without doubt, my iPhone. Even having silenced various alerts from email, Instagram or Twitter, I still find the gadget difficult to resist, if not demanding and downright bossy!  

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

While writing Sentient, I had one quote pinned on my board just over my computer — something the neurologist Oliver Sacks penned in what he knew would be his last op-ed for the New York Times, a few months before his death. ‘I cannot pretend I am without fear. But my predominant feeling is one of gratitude…. Above all, I have been a sentient being, a thinking animal, on this beautiful planet, and that in itself has been an enormous privilege.’

I'd long loved his books, such as The Man Who Mistook His Wife for a Hat (Amazon, Bookshop). He described the fragility and diversity of the human condition with such compassion. However, these words became my daily worry beads while I wrote Sentient: they inspired me to select stories that remind us what an enormous privilege it is to be a sentient being, a thinking animal on this beautiful planet. So, my motto? 'Open your eyes, ears, skin, tongue, nose and more to the everyday miracle of being sentient'. Or more simply: 'Release your inner star-nosed mole.' [Gretchen: The chapter on the star-nosed mole was one of my favorites.]

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Slowing Down On Your Resolutions? Use Determination Day To Re-evaluate.

Research shows that by February 15th—what might be called “Discouragement Day”—many people have abandoned their New Year’s resolutions.  

Instead of a time to feel discouraged, today can be a time to re-evaluate, to do the hard work of asking ourselves, “If something isn’t working, why not?”

If you started working on an aim in January and have slowed down or stopped, consider using February 15th as "Determination Day."

You can succeed by failing; if you’ve found that one approach doesn’t work, that’s useful information. Now you can try something else, and stay determined to meet your aim.

To help you reframe Discouragement Day as Determination Day and find new ways to keep up your resolutions, you might:

Consider what didn't work for you, and why. Did you resolve to write in the morning but you're not a morning person? Read before bed when you can't keep your eyes open? Exercise on your own when you might benefit from the accountability of a partner or class?Reflect on the benefits. To keep ourselves energized, it’s useful to think of a habit’s rewards. Regular exercise boosts energy throughout the day, improves nighttime sleep, and makes it easier to sit through endless video calls.Identify new strategies. Schedule time to write at night after everyone's in bed (The Strategy of Distinctions). Read in the morning with your first cup of coffee (The Strategy of Pairing). Talk to a friend on the phone on your daily walk (The Strategy of Accountability). Look over my list of 21 Strategies for Habit Change for more ideas to try.Make an investment. Beautiful tools or gear can make your habit more convenient or more enjoyable to keep, and for some people, investing in an activity makes them more likely to stick with it. Would investing in a better pair of athletic shoes, a reading light, or high-quality headphones make your habit more pleasant?“Don’t let the perfect be the enemy of the good.” Thank you, Voltaire. If you can't face cleaning out the attic, tackle one bureau drawer. If you break your resolution today, try again tomorrow. Give yourself permission to lower the bar.

To help you keep up the habits that make you happier and healthier, I've launched a series of Habit Jump-Starts, starting with the habit of Movement. These Jump-Starts include a variety of tools to help you start (or re-start) your habit.

As part of these Jump-Starts, I'll be hosting Instagram Lives to share tips, answer questions, and offer encouragement. Watch the video from today's Live below, and follow me on Instagram so you don't miss the next one. (Spoiler alert: Our next Jump-Start is "Rest," and I'll be joined by a special guest on Instagram Live.)

 

Mimi Winsberg: “The Greatest Success I Have Seen…Is When We Are Able to Assume a New Identity.”

Interview: Dr. Mimi Winsberg

Mimi Winsberg is a Stanford-trained psychiatrist with twenty-five years of clinical experience. She's a cofounder of the tele-health startup Brightside and has been the on-site psychiatrist at the Facebook Wellness Center.

Her first book, Speaking in Thumbs (Amazon, Bookshop), hit shelves this week.

I couldn't wait to talk to Mimi about happiness, habits, and relationships.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Mimi: Exercise. My go-to workouts are swimming, biking and running. After 10 minutes of having my HR up, my mood and outlook noticeably change. After 20 minutes my thoughts start to flow in more creative patterns. After 30 minutes, the rest of my day is all but guaranteed to be more productive. If I’m pressed for time, a cold open water swim recharges my brain faster than anything else.

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

It’s inversely correlated with expectation. This is as true in romantic relationships—the subject I examine in my book Speaking in Thumbs—as it is in work or family. I’ve found that happiness is best stumbled upon as a byproduct of doing something challenging, rather than as a goal itself. It occurs most often when I’m communing with nature, collaborating with a friend or colleague, competing, or being creative.

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you—or your readers—most?

That the way we express ourselves in our romantic relationships, even through a medium as brief and concise as text messages, reveals much about our personalities, tendencies, and even the way we love.

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit—or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

Yes. Behavior change is one of the hardest things, but the greatest success I have seen, both individually and among my patients, is when we are able to assume a new identity. Think of yourself as a giving partner, and you will be generous. Think of yourself as an athlete, and you will exercise. Think of yourself as a writer, and you will write.

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?

I am a Questioner, but I question the validity of the quiz. [Gretchen: Very Questioner! Love it.]

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness? (e.g. travel, parties, email)

I have a hard time saying no to new opportunities, challenges, or requests for help.

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

Yes. When both my parents died rather suddenly within a short span well before I expected them to, it forced me to look at my life in a new way, as having limited time, and not wanting to linger in situations that were not satisfying.

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

“There comes a time in every life when the past recedes and the future opens. It's that moment when you turn to face the unknown. Some will turn back to what they already know. Some will walk straight ahead into uncertainty.” - Phil Knight

Has a book ever changed your life—if so, which one and why?

Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience by Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi (Amazon, Bookshop). I read this book while in medical school. It was a time in my life when I was trying to find the same kind of intensity and satisfaction in my personal life that is naturally provided by the structure and challenge of being a perpetual student and medical training. Flow offered a helpful construct that resonated for me, and since then I have always tried to live in the zone that exists between stress and boredom. It’s a concept that I revisit with patients often.

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

Mental health exists on a spectrum, and fluctuates over time. While we have diagnostic categories for communication and treatment selection purposes, struggling—whether in love, work, or beyond—is also a normal part of life.

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What One-Word Theme Would You Choose for 2022? Some Ideas from Listeners.

At the beginning of a new year, many of us look for ways to make our lives happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative in the months ahead.

I love these kinds of exercises, so for 2022, I...

made new year's resolutionsjoined the yearly challenge—this year, to "#Rest22in22"made a "22 for 22" list

There’s another kind of exercise I love: identifying one idea, summarized in just one word or phase, as the overarching theme for the coming year.

My sister Elizabeth and I have been doing this for years. Some of our choices:

Elizabeth: "Free Time," "Style," "Hot Wheels," "Novel," "Home," “Control,” "#6," “Lighter,”  “Butterfly," and for 2022, "Step."Gretchen: “Upgrade,” “Bigger,” “Lighten Up,” “Re-purpose,” “Delegate,” “Infrastructure,” "Growth," “Open,” and for 2022, "Salt."

In episode 358 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we talked about the one-word theme and suggested that listeners choose a theme for 2022. We've heard so many brilliant ideas!

BreatheIntentionShinePlayReveriePrioritiesPepper (I got a kick out of this, given that my word is "Salt")ActionHigher/HireEvaluatePresentFlexEmbraceRestorationRechargeClearClear AwayHonestGreenDragonNowDonePresent (be present and give a gift to yourself)MoreHealthPeaceRhythmRenaissance

On episode 363 of Happier, we talk about responses from listeners about why they chose the words they chose.

Have you chosen a one-word theme for the year? I'm endlessly fascinated by the themes people choose, and why.

Introducing the Jump-Start Series! When You Need a Little Jolt to Keep a Habit Going.

Sometimes, when we're building a habit, we need a boost.

Maybe we know we need to start a habit, but find it hard to begin. Or maybe we've started, but we've run out of energy. We need to recharge our battery.

So how do you give yourself a jump-start? Introducing...the Jump-Start Series!

I'm creating a series of "jump-starts" based on people's actual responses to the question, "What are you working on in 2022?"

The first jump-start is for Movement. So many people want to include more movement in their 2022: by walking, running, practicing yoga, stretching, strength-training, gardening, using a treadmill desk, and more.

Each jump-start will offer several tools, so you can choose what works for you. Or use them all!

a free SMS challenge—for seven days, you'll get prompts to remind you to stick to your habit and reflect on ways to build it into your daily routinea free PDF worksheet to help you know yourself better and customize your routine so it works for youtips for using the Happier app to keep your habits more easily and effectivelyconversations on Instagram Live to discuss questions, swap tips, and get encouragementsuggestions for beautiful tools that could make your habit easier or more pleasant to keep

Often, when we struggle with a habit, we haven't set it up in the way that's right for us. Surprisingly often, small tweaks can make a dramatic difference in how easily a habit is maintained. These tools are meant to help you identify ways to customize a habit to suit your particular nature, values, and circumstances.

Because so many people are enthusiastically joining #Rest22in22, the next jump-start will be "Rest."

What other jump-starts would you like to see?

What other tools would you like to see included in the jump-start?

What I Read This Month: January 2022

For four years now, every Monday morning, I've posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads.

I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read.

As I write about in my book Better Than Before, for most of my life, my habit was to finish any book that I started. Finally, I realized that this approach meant that I spent time reading books that bored me, and I had less time for books that I truly enjoy. These days, I put down a book if I don’t feel like finishing it, so I have more time to do my favorite kinds of reading.

This habit means that if you see a book included in the #GretchenRubinReads photo, you know that I liked it well enough to read to the last page.

When I read books related to an area I’m researching for a writing project, I carefully read and take notes on the parts that interest me, and skim the parts that don’t. So I may list a book that I’ve partly read and partly skimmed. For me, that still “counts.”

If you’d like more ideas for habits to help you get more reading done, read this post or download my "Reading Better Than Before" worksheet.

You can also follow me on Goodreads where I track books I’ve read.

If you want to see what I read last month, the full list is here.

January 2022 Reading:

The Planet of Junior Brown by Virginia Hamilton (Amazon, Bookshop)—How I love the work of Virginia Hamilton—an imagination like no other.

Like Shaking Hands with God: A Conversation about Writing by Kurt Vonnegut & Lee Stringer (Amazon, Bookshop)—a brief but interesting account of a conversation.

All Systems Red: The Murderbot Diaries (The Murderbot Diaries, 1) by Martha Wells (Amazon, Bookshop)—Winner of 2018 Hugo Award, 2018 Nebula Award, 2018 Alex Award, and 2018 Locus Award—Wonderful! I love the "Murderbot" world and can't wait to read more.

A Little Devil in America: Notes in Praise of Black Performance by Hanif Abdurraqib (Amazon, Bookshop)—Gordon Burn Prize winner—thought-provoking, compelling essays.

The Black Prince by Iris Murdoch (Amazon, Bookshop)—on the very last pages, my entire view of the novel changed and I immediately wanted to reread it.

The Long Goodbye: A Memoir by Meghan O'Rourke (Amazon, Bookshop)—a haunting look at the experience of grief and loss.

Secrets of Happiness by Joan Silber (Amazon, Bookshop)—A Washington Post Best Book of the Year—a wonderful novel told from the viewpoint of different interlocking narrators (a structure I love).

41 - Love: A Memoir by Scarlett Thomas (Amazon, Bookshop)—I love the work of Scarlett Thomas, so I could wait to read this memoir about her determination to take up tennis again, at age 41.

How to Be Perfect: The Correct Answer to Every Moral Question by Michael Schur (Amazon, Bookshop)—Such an interesting, entertaining book. We talked to Mike Schur in episode 362 of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast.

A Word Child: A Novel by Iris Murdoch (Amazon, Bookshop)—I'm on a real Iris Murdoch kick. This was an absolutely haunting novel.

Red, White, & Royal Blue: A Novel by Casey McQuiston (Amazon, Bookshop)—Goodreads Choice Award Winner for Best Debut and Best Romance of 2019, Best Book of the Year for Vogue, NPR, Vanity Fair—a fun, frank romance set in the White House and Buckingham Palace.

Revelations in Air: A Guidebook to Smell by Jude Stewart (Amazon, Bookshop)—I can't learn enough about the sense of smell.

The Way I Hear It: A Life with Hearing Loss by Gael Hannan (Amazon, Bookshop)—a practical, thoughtful guide and memoir about living with hearing loss.

Frustrated Because the “30-Day Challenge” Didn’t Change a Habit? How to Make It Stick.

When it comes to starting new habits, we often start with a "challenge": 30 days of meditation, Dry January, losing ten pounds before your wedding, giving up coffee for Lent, National Novel Writing Month, Whole30.

I love a "challenge." They can be fun. They can be a useful experiment, to show us what life is like if we quit eating dairy, write 1,667 words every day for a month, etc.

But sometimes we use a challenge to try to jump-start a habit, and for that, they often don't work. A friend once told me, "My sister and I did a 30-day yoga challenge, and it was great. I was doing so much yoga, I loved it! But I haven't done yoga since." She felt frustrated, because the reason she'd done the challenge was to solidify the habit of doing yoga.

One reason for this challenge of "challenges?" The danger of the finish line. To learn more about the problem of the finish line, and how to avoid falling into that trap, read here.

Another reason for this challenge of "challenges?" The gap between what we can do for the short term and we can do for the long term.

With the short period and intense focus of a "challenge"—thirty days, Lent, November, countdown to a big event, etc.—we can maintain behaviors or activities that aren't realistic for the long run.

And that means that during "challenge" month, we aren't working to establish the habits that we can sustain in the future.

My friend successfully did a 30-day yoga challenge, but when it was over, she stopped, because she hadn't thought about how to keep going to days 31, 65, or 5008. She didn't consider key questions such as:

"Going forward, I don't want to do yoga every single day. How many days a week is the right number for me?""Going forward, I won't be doing this challenge with my sister. As an Obliger, how will I get the outer accountability that I need?""It's easy to track how often I'm doing yoga when I'm doing it every day. How will I monitor my yoga practice when I'm doing it some days?"

To maintain a habit, we need to figure out, "What's manageable, what's realistic for me to maintain indefinitely?" And that can be a hard, messy question to answer. The "challenge" may help to answer it, but often doesn't provide an actual answer.

Sometimes, too, the "challenge" sets such a high bar that adjusting the behavior for ordinary life can feel like a compromise or failure. "I'm slacking off, I'm only doing three days of yoga each week." So we give up a habit rather than dial back.

Also, "challenges" are often all-or-nothing: yoga every day; no sugar for a month. But often, going forward, people don't want to live all-or-nothing.

To be sure, some people do like all-or-nothing. At least with some habits.

For example, me. I love all-or-nothing! I love the freedom from decision fatigue—no decisions, no will-power needed.

That's why I love the "don't break the chain" approach. (If you also like this approach, check out the Happier app and the Don't Break the Chain Habit Tracker.) For me, it's often easier to do something every day (write, visit the Metropolitan Museum, exercise) than to do it some days.

That's also why I often use the Strategy of Abstaining. For Abstainers like me, it's easier to have none than to have some. Because I have such a strong sweet tooth, I quit sugar entirely. Having no sugar is easy for me; having a little sugar is very hard.

But unlike me, most people don't want to quit sugar entirely, or do yoga every day for the rest of their lives, so they need to figure out what they do want. Quitting sugar for a month, or doing a 30-day yoga challenge, doesn't answer that question.

And even I don't use the all-or-nothing approach with most of my habits. It's not practical.

We need to think carefully about how, when, where, why, and with whom we'll keep the habit going forward. What's realistic? What's manageable? What tools might make it easier? There are 21 strategies we can use to make or break our habits, and we need to figure out which ones to deploy.

The good news: it's often easier to build a habit than you might expect, but you have to do it in the way that's right for you. It's crucial to reflect deeply on yourself, so you can set up the habit in the way that's right for you.

We can also help energize ourselves to keep a habit by looking for milestones.

One appeal of the "challenge" is that we have a clear finish line in sight, and we can pace ourselves to hit that goal, and we can justifiably celebrate when we hit it. "I did thirty days of yoga! I kept up my streak! I did it!" It feels great to hit the finish line.

But actually, we want to eat healthfully forever. We want to exercise regularly forever. We want to read every day forever.

Without the reassuring limit of a "challenge," without the end in sight, keeping a habit can feel overwhelming. "Am I committing to doing yoga forever?" Well...yes. And that can be intimidating.

So instead of sprinting toward the finish line, it's helpful to think of milestones. "Thirty days of yoga" is a wonderful milestone, and it's just one of many milestones that you will pass in a lifetime of yoga.

Hitting a milestone gives us a sense of progress. It reminds of how far we've come, and that we want to continue, with a good habit.

For suggestions about ways to observe and celebrate milestones, read here.

As we think about the design of a habit, we need to consider, "How will I chug past milestone after milestone? How can I keep up this habit for the long term?" That may mean lowering the bar of a habit. Instead of aiming to "Go for a run every day," the aim becomes "Go for a run or walk five days a week."

The modest habit that we keep is better than the ambitious habit we don't keep. It's better to do yoga four times a week forever than to do yoga seven days a week never.

It's all those old sayings: Don't let the perfect be the enemy of the good. Don't get it perfect, get it going. Many things worth doing are worth doing badly.

What milestones have you identified, to help you keep going with a good habit? Do you find "challenges" to be useful—and have they ever helped you jump-start a habit?

When It Comes to Good Habits, There Is No Finish Line. Here’s How to Keep Going.

When I was writing Better Than Before, my book about how to make or break our habits, one thing took me a long time to realize: the danger of finish lines.

Setting a finish line does indeed help people reach a specific goal, but although it’s widely assumed to help habit-formation, a finish line can actually undermine habits.

A finish line marks a stopping point, and once we stop, we must start over, and starting over is harder than starting.

This problem comes up often with "challenges"—a 30-day yoga challenge, Dry January, losing ten pounds before your wedding, giving up coffee for Lent, National Novel Writing Month, Buy Nothing, Whole30, etc.

It feels new and exciting to push through the challenge period, and usually that challenge period is short enough to muscle through. But then—you hit the finish line! Congratulations! And...then what?

The more dramatic the goal, the more decisive the end—and often, the more effort required to start over. By providing a specific goal, a temporary motivation, and requiring a new “start” once reached, a challenge may interfere with habit-formation.

Also, once we decide that we’ve achieved success, we tend to stop moving forward.

To be sure, sometimes a challenge is meant as an experiment, to learn how a certain habit feels or to achieve a specific goal. "If I stop drinking, will I feel better?" "If I write for thirty days in a row, will I get a creative break-through?" "If I don't buy anything for a month, can I make myself more aware of my spending?"

That's valuable, but that's different from doing a challenge as a way to jump-start a habit—which is often what we want to do, when we undertake a "challenge."

We start on Day One, we end on Day 30—and we do a great job of celebrating beginnings and endings. But the hard truth about a good habit is that usually, once we start, we don't want to end. We want to eat healthfully forever. We want to exercise regularly forever. We want to read every day forever. And that can feel intimidating.

To avoid the problem of finish lines, and to energize ourselves to work toward a habit that we can keep "forever," it can help to celebrate milestones.

Instead of sprinting toward the finish line, we chug past milestone after milestone. "Thirty days of yoga" is a wonderful milestone, and it's just one of many milestones that you will pass in a lifetime of yoga.

Some suggestions for celebrating milestones:

Beautiful tools make work a joy, so if you can afford it, mark a milestone by buying yourself a wonderful new tool to use in that activity. Cooking regularly? Splurge on some great knives. Running every day? Upgrade your shoes. Note: choose a tool related to the good habit! Not an unrelated reward! External rewards are very, very tricky to use. And speaking of rewards...Note the rewards of keeping the good habit. Now that you've been exercising regularly, maybe you're sleeping better, or you're less restless during Zoom meetings, or you have more energy. Revel in these good feelings, in these benefits! Really take note of why this habit makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative. (A One-Sentence Journal  can be a good way to note and track these kinds of benefits.) This reward is very useful for habit formation.Claim that new identity! "I'm a podcaster," "I'm a photographer." For Rebels, in particular, claiming a new identity can be a very powerful strategy: "I'm an artist," "I'm a nature-lover."Keep track of all you've accomplished. Hitting a milestone can remind you of all you've done and give you energy to keep going. (A Don't Break the Chain Habit Tracker  might be useful.) Remember, you're aiming at progress, not perfection. Give yourself credit, allow yourself to take satisfaction on what you've done. And to do that...Identify milestones to celebrate. For instance:Celebrate anniversaries. Recently, I've been trying to pay more attention to significant anniversaries—for instance, I just realized that the 5th year anniversary of The Four Tendencies  is coming up or that we'll record the 400th episode of the Happier with Gretchen Rubin  podcast later this year.Look back to see how far you've come. I did a fun exercise with my high-intensity weight-training instructor. When I hit my ten-year anniversary (see above), he got out my old records, and put the weights at the setting used for my very first session. With high-intensity weight training, I always work on the outer limits of my strength, so it never feels easier. But when he set the weights to where they'd been when I struggled on that first day, I realized how much stronger I'd become.Look for imaginative milestones. I heard about an app that tracks your running and translates it into distances: "You've run from New York City to Cincinnati!" And I think I remember that the old StairMaster would say something like "You've run up the Empire State Building." So fun.

But remember, we're hitting milestones, not finish lines. Hitting a milestone isn't a reason to take a break—that's the moral licensing loophole.

Hitting a milestone is a reminder of how far we've come, and how far we want to go, with a good habit.

What milestones have you identified, to help you keep going with a good habit? Do you find "challenges" to be useful—and have they ever helped you jump-start a habit?

For Happiness and Habits, I’m Writing a Calendar of Catalysts. What Dates Do You Suggest?

I'm a big fan of any reminder to stop to consider what changes could make our lives happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative—whether that prompt comes from the New Year, a birthday, Valentine's Day, a significant anniversary, or official "days" like "Earth Day."

Some people (Questioners!) often object to using a date like January 1, because they consider the date arbitrary. It's true, it is arbitrary—and why wait? Now is always the best time to begin.

Some people object to a day like Mother's Day, because they consider it a consumerist holiday celebrated just because it prompts us to buy stuff.

Nevertheless, I do think that external dates can be valuable reminders to reflect. In the tumult of everyday life, it's hard to remember to step back, reflect, and think about what changes we'd like to make.

For that reason, I'm creating a Calendar of Catalysts—a menu of dates to use as reminders to stop,  evaluate, and plan. I want to offer a range of choices, because different dates will appeal to different people.

Dates below are for 2022; some will change slightly for different years. Reverse the solstices and change the seasons to suit your hemisphere.

There are several months that lack a catalyst day—have any suggestions?

January 1—New Year's Day is one of the most popular time to reflect. It's also the start of the first quarter of the year, Q1

February 15—this day might be called this "Discouragement Day," because research suggests that by this point, most people have abandoned their New Year's resolutions.

But if you're wisely using this date as a catalyst to take stock at your progress (or lack of progress) on a new habit, call it "Determination Day." Much better!

March 4—"March Forth" to new, better habits.

March 20—First day of spring and spring equinox (day and night are of most equal length)

April 1—first day of Q2

May—?

June 21—First day of summer and summer solstice (day with the most sunlight for the year)

July 2—Halfway Day—it's the 183rd day of the year, so it marks the halfway point. Also, July 1 is the start of Q3

In Chuck Palahniuk's essay "The People Can," in the collection Stranger Than Fiction: True Stories (Amazon, Bookshop) Palahniuk wrote about time he spent on a submarine. He noted: "Before departure, the family of each man on board gives Chief of Boat Ken Biller a shoe-box-sized package, and on the night that marks the halfway point in the patrol, called Halfway Night, Biller distributes the boxes." I loved learning about this custom, and think it's a great idea to celebrate the halfway point of any major undertaking.

August—?

September 6—La Rentrée Day -- In the United States, Labor Day (in 2022, September 5) the official end of the summer season, and the day after Labor Day signals the start of the new season.

In France, people use la rentrée to refer to the “re-entry” to school and work after the summer holidays. They don’t have an exact date for la rentrée, but in the United States, the day after Labor Day is the traditional re-entry day. That's why September is the other January.

September 22—First day of fall and fall equinox (day and night are of most equal length)

October 1—start of Q4

November—?

December 21—First day of winter and winter solstice (day with the most darkness for the year)

A few notes about the Calendar of Catalysts:

These dates are valuable as reminders for reflection. For the action of actually starting a new habit, most people prefer to start on a Monday.

The dates aren't spaced out equally, but that's okay, because people will choose the dates that resonate most. For instance,

if nature is very important to you, you might want to use the summer solstice as your catalyst, because that natural cycle is appealingif you have a whimsical bent, you might embrace the pun of "March Fourth"if you're business-inclined, using Q1, Q2, Q3, Q4 might feel right

This kind of personal association may be particularly important for Questioners and Rebels.

Questioners resist anything that feels arbitrary, and a date like January 1 often feels arbitrary to them. They do better when they pick a date that feels justified—or they may just start right away, which is always an excellent time to start!Rebels want to live up to their identity, so might benefit from starting on a date that feels particularly suited to a particular identity

(Don't know if you're a Questioner, Rebel—or Upholder or Obliger? Take the free, quick quiz here.)

You can adapt the catalysts to your aims. For instance, the first day of spring might inspire you to reflect on the aim of "spring-cleaning" and think about how to create more outer order in your life. For most of us, outer order contributes to inner calm.

Each year on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we discuss the Try-This-at-Home suggestion to "Design your summer"—i.e., consider the approaching season and figure out how to design the experience you want. But you can choose the date and season that most appeals to you.

On the day that you've chosen as your catalyst for change, you might also consider adding some ritual to mark your determination. Maybe you write down the habit you want to break and burn the paper. Maybe you empty a shelf to hold all books you're going to read, going forward. Maybe you keep your calendar free for the entire morning of your catalyst day, so you can reflect and plan.

If you want to learn more about using the Calendar of Catalysts to start a new habit, check out Better Than Before, my book about habit change, and in particular, the chapters on the Strategy of First Steps , the Strategy of the Clean Slate, and the Strategy of Identity.

I need your help! The Calendar of Catalysts has gaps. What dates should I add?