Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 18

What I Read This Month: March 2022

For four years now, every Monday morning, I've posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads.

I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read.

As I write about in my book Better Than Before, for most of my life, my habit was to finish any book that I started. Finally, I realized that this approach meant that I spent time reading books that bored me, and I had less time for books that I truly enjoy. These days, I put down a book if I don’t feel like finishing it, so I have more time to do my favorite kinds of reading.

This habit means that if you see a book included in the #GretchenRubinReads photo, you know that I liked it well enough to read to the last page.

When I read books related to an area I’m researching for a writing project, I carefully read and take notes on the parts that interest me, and skim the parts that don’t. So I may list a book that I’ve partly read and partly skimmed. For me, that still “counts.”

If you’d like more ideas for habits to help you get more reading done, read this post or download my "Reading Better Than Before" worksheet.

You can also follow me on Goodreads where I track books I’ve read.

If you want to see what I read last month, the full list is here.

March 2022 Reading:

Nothing Personal by Richard Avedon (author, photographer), James Baldwin (contributor) (Amazon)—a collaboration of two great artists, with essays by Baldwin and photographs by Avedon. Beautiful.

The Witness for the Dead by Katherine Addison (Amazon, Bookshop)—I love the world created by Addison's novels.

The Window Seat: Notes from a Life in Motion by Aminatta Forna (Amazon, Bookshop)—a thought-provoking collection of essays about relationships with the world, family, home, and more.

The Worth of Water: Our Story of Chasing Solutions to the World's Greatest Challenge by Gary White and Matt Damon (Amazon, Bookshop)—We interviewed Matt Damon (!) and Gary White on the Happier podcast. A very readable book about a very important subject.

Crying in the Bathroom: A Memoir by Erika L. Sánchez (Amazon, Bookshop)—a terrific memoir of growing up that ranges over many subjects.

Family Happiness: A Novel by Laurie Colwin (Amazon, Bookshop)—A re-read—how many times have I read this novel? Five? Love it.

Re-educated: How I Changed My Job, My Home, My Husband and My Hair by Lucy Kellaway (Amazon)—a fascinating account of how the author re-built her life, and what resulted.

A Life in Light: Meditations on Impermanence by Mary Pipher (Amazon, Bookshop)—Quiet, beautiful, meditative essays looking back on a long life.

The Philosopher's Pupil by Iris Murdoch (Amazon)—I'm on a real Iris Murdoch kick. This novel is one of my favorites.

The Sacred and Profane Love Machine by Iris Murdoch (Amazon, Bookshop)—Winner of the Whitbread Novel Award—More Murdoch! I also loved this novel. I'm fascinated by the way Murdoch sees the world.

Magic & The Magician by Noel Streatfeild (Amazon)—Streatfeild is one of my favorite children's-literature authors, and this is her short account of E. Nesbit's childhood—another one of my favorite children's-literature authors.

If It Bleeds by Stephen King (Amazon, Bookshop)—Stephen King! What a story-teller. I flew through these four novellas.

Christine Porath: “Unlock People’s Potential by Providing an Environment Where They Feel a Sense of Belonging”

Interview: Christine Porath

Christine Porath is a professor at Georgetown University’s McDonough School of Business. She’s the author of Mastering Civility: A Manifesto for the Workplace (Amazon, Bookshop) and co-author of The Cost of Bad Behavior (Amazon). Her new book, Mastering Community: The Surprising Ways Coming Together Moves Us from Surviving to Thriving (Amazon, Bookshop) is available now.

I couldn't wait to talk to Christine about happiness, habits, and community.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Christine: Well, like most people, exercising each morning has always made me happier, healthier, and more productive. It gets me off to a great start, boosts my mood, and allows me to be more focused and productive all day. 

I also folded in a new routine—a Wake Up and Pray Meditation—that my friend, Amy D’Ambra created (for a My Saint My Hero bracelet). I do it while stretching out, right after waking up. I give my day, prayer, works, joy and suffering (five beads). She explained how she pauses, breathes, and hands that over (holding the medallion in the middle). Then I ask for hope, protection, peace, wisdom, and love (five beads). I’ve found this really helpful whether I’m thinking about the pandemic, politics, war, professional struggles, or personal challenges. Just asking for wisdom each day to write the book was huge, because it felt daunting while teaching. Doing this every morning got me started in a calmer state, which improves my productivity and creativity. 

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

That most young people believe success will lead to happiness. The brain seems to calibrate what success means, the more experience we gain in the world. If happiness only comes in the wake of perceived success,   you'll never get there! If you work on increasing your levels of happiness in the midst of a challenge, research shows that your success rates rise dramatically. 

I’ve learned to enjoy the journey more, and not wait until I achieve something, hoping that it will bring me happiness. I haven’t mastered it, but believe that happiness in the journey helps drive performance and well-being.

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you – or your readers – most?

My colleague Tony Schwartz and I asked over twenty thousand people across diverse industries and organizations around the world about their quality of work and life. The fundamental question we sought to answer was: What stands in the way of being more satisfied and productive at work? 

One thing that surprised me was that our study found that 65 percent of people don’t feel any sense of community at work (and this was pre-pandemic). When people feel a sense of community at work, we found that they are 74 percent more engaged and 81 percent more likely to stay with the organization. They are much more likely to thrive at work.

Our need for affiliation, or connection, is one of our three most fundamental needs, along with autonomy and competence. Of these three, connection is arguably the most important.

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

I very rarely stretched. I knew it was good for me, but didn’t make the time. While researching for Mastering Community, I came across advice from my friend, Mark Verstegen, the founder of EXOS. He explained how our fascia, which is the majority of our body—the connective tissue in our body—has proprioceptors (which can help us balance) and input into our body’s system. He said all this fascia has 20 times more input into your system than anything in your body, and it knits down in your body when we sleep to help repair us. But if you don’t stretch it out and hydrate it in the morning it stays knitted down affects our form and movement throughout the day, and our posture over time.

After hearing his tips for how to start your day—and the importance of stretching out, even just 3 stretches for 3 minutes—I adopted this habit. Now it’s a part of my daily routine. 

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger? 

I’m an Upholder. I noticed this even more writing the book and through the pandemic. Deadlines and routines helped me focus and write each day. So did the Pandemic Writing Hour group. This was a voluntary community of people who wrote at the same time each day for 25 minutes, followed by a 5 minute break, then another 25 minutes. During the first week I found myself running up a big hill to get home to be on the computer on time, writing with strangers. I wasn’t obligated; there was no logging on. No accountability. I don’t think anyone knew I was even a part of this community. Yet I had committed to this routine—and I was part of this community. Somehow I felt the need to uphold this even if it meant running up a hill which is my ‘cooldown’ (a walk). I was grinning as I did it, because I recognized what I was doing—and why. I learned not to cut the timing that close… 

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness? (e.g. travel, parties, email)

I’m a creature of habit. I like to maintain habits while traveling like working out, and eating healthy. A lack of sleep makes those habits more challenging.

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

During my research for Mastering Community,  I found myself having a conversation with Anson Dorrance, head women’s soccer coach at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and former US women’s national soccer team coach. He invited me to come see how they build their culture during pre-season. 

It was an amazing experience. It was the message of Mastering Community in action. And, I sorely needed it. It helped move me from surviving to thriving. It’s one thing to write or teach principles, it can be more challenging to live them (I actually moved in with the team!). I accepted a lot of generosity, help, and trust from a community that welcomed me. I felt a sense of belonging and learned so much. I stayed the entire season, living out of a carry-on bag and backpack from late July until Thanksgiving week. It served as a good reminder of what’s important and what I need. Relationships matter, and the happiness I derived from being a part of this community fed me and provided meaning. I learned so much from the coaches, players, and the entire UNC community. That also helped me thrive.

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

“Who do you want to be?” I wrote it on a post-it and stuck it next to my computer the day I received tenure. I wanted it as a reminder to guide me. I use this motto to make decisions—large and small. I used this question to frame my other book, Mastering Civility because I found the motto useful when you need to respond to rudeness or challenging circumstances. 

Has a book ever changed your life – if so, which one and why?

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl (Amazon, Bookshop) has been a great reminder during challenging times to be grateful. It’s given me perspective that my challenges pale in comparison to what others have endured. We can survive, and thrive even under very challenging circumstances. We’re stronger than we know or may feel. 

Seeing specific quotes from the book in action made me appreciate the book even more. One of the UNC Women’s Soccer program’s core values is Positivity. Players memorize a quote from Man’s Search for Meaning and rate one another on living this value. I witnessed what a difference it made for an injured player, her teammates, and anyone that came into contact with her. She had a choice, and it was remarkable how she responded despite her suffering. Years after graduating, I saw how some players use it to navigate challenges.

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

Not everyone thinks leaders should spend much time or energy caring about employee feelings and perceptions. I believe that caring and showing respect pays for leaders. It helps them connect with people, and by showing they care, people are more likely to trust the leader. They’re also more motivated to work harder. They’re more committed to the leader, and they’re more likely to bring their best-selves to this community (and remain a part of it). By demonstrating care (and respect) leaders create stronger, high-performing communities.

We’ve found that disregard, disrespect, and incivility erode people’s sense of belonging, fracture a sense of connection, and can leave members of a community feeling isolated, alone, betrayed and belittled. When the social fabric of the community is damaged, there are real and measurable effects on performance. 

Creating a culture of respect requires attention and care, but it pays off. You’ll unlock people’s potential by providing an environment where they feel a sense of belonging, where they know they matter and are encouraged to do their best work. Even those who witness civility feel a boost, and as positive emotions build, so too do motivation and performance. Incivility is a virus, and it spreads quickly. But the good news is that civility is contagious, too.

[image error]

Hard to Believe: I’ve Been Blogging for 16 Years

On the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we've been discussing why it's helpful to identify and celebrate personal anniversaries:

it's a reminder of what we've accomplished—even when it doesn't feel like we've made much progressit energizes us to keep goingit's a whimsical minor holiday

The days are long but the years are short—and it's astonishing to me that I just hit the 16th anniversary of my blog (which I usually don’t even call my "blog" anymore; now I just call it my "site").

[image error] April 2006

Here's a link to my very first entry: The blog begins.

When I started this blog, I had no expectations for it.

I started it as an experiment to test the research showing that novelty and challenge bring happiness. What could I do that was novel and challenging? I decided to try starting a blog.

 

I felt very intimidated by the prospect of writing in such a public, unmediated way, but I reassured myself, "Oh, no one will ever read this. I'll do it for a month, realize that this experiment doesn't make me happier, and move on."

I would never have predicted how much I would love writing here, or what an engine for happiness it would be.

It’s funny to look back and realize that I started my blog before I started using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, LinkedIn, or YouTube, hosting the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, sending out my "5 Things Making Me Happier" weekly email newsletter and my "Moment of Happiness" daily quotation email, posting my Four Tendencies quiz (taken by more than 3.5 million people), launching the Happier app, offering journals and other products...not to mention the four books I hadn't yet written!

I’m sure that my happy experience with my blog made me more open to the possibilities of using new outlets to put my ideas out into the world, in addition to doing the traditional work of a writer.

Best of all, this site—and everything that followed from it—has allowed me to engage with people in so many ways. I've learned so much. The world is my research assistant.

Readers, listeners, and viewers—thank you. You've done so much to deepen my understanding of my subject—which, at the core, is human nature. I so appreciate your enthusiasm, your support, and your brilliant, thought-provoking insights, observations, and questions. It makes me so happy.

Sixteen years later, I'm still writing away. If you'd like to get this blog content delivered to your inbox each week, instead of coming to the site, sign up here.

Thank you.

Galit Atlas: “Everything We Don’t Consciously Know About Ourselves Has the Power to Control Our Lives”

Interview: Dr. Galit Atlas

Dr. Galit Atlas is a writer, psychoanalyst, creative-arts therapist, and clinical supervisor in private practice in Manhattan.

In her new book Emotional Inheritance (Amazon, Bookshop), she uses the stories of her patients, her own stories, and decades of research to identify the links between our life struggles and the “emotional inheritance” we all carry.

I couldn't wait to talk to Galit about happiness, habits, and mental health.

Gretchen: What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old? 

Galit: When I was young, I believed that happiness was something one attains and then maintains. Slowly I’ve discovered that happiness is a state of mind that visits and re-visits, one that we shouldn’t try to force or hold tightly. At times when I don’t feel happy, I’m not worried anymore, because I know that happiness isn’t a possession but a welcomed visitor. 

You’ve done fascinating research on emotional inheritance. What has surprised or intrigued you – or your readers – most?

One of the things that fascinates people the most about Emotional Inheritance is the idea that we inherit even family traumas that we haven’t been told about, and that in fact we know things that were not explicitly conveyed to us, and the ways these things shape our lives. What I refer to as the ghosts of the unsaid and the unspeakable are intergenerational secrets and unprocessed traumas that very often don’t have a voice, or an image associated with them but loom in our minds nonetheless. I find that people are intrigued by the idea that we carry emotional material that belongs to our parents and grandparents, retaining losses of theirs that they never fully articulated, and that in fact we feel these traumas even if we don’t consciously know them. In the book I try to explain those concepts as they relate to the unconscious communication between people and to attachment theory. I ask how do we inherit, hold, and process things that we don’t remember or didn’t experience ourselves? What is the weight of that which is present but not fully known? Can we really keep secrets from one another?  What do we inherit and pass on to the next generation?

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful? Or a quotation that has struck you as particularly insightful?

I love this quote by psychoanalyst Carl Jung: “Until you make the unconscious conscious, it will direct your life and you will call it fate.” 

Has a book ever changed your life – if so, which one and why?

One of the books that impacted me the most when I was in my 20’s was Women who Run with the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estés (Amazon, Bookshop). I remember that her perspective on women and on desire and creativity blew my mind. I’ve read this book many times and always found something new in it. Thirty years after I first read this book, Dr. Estés wrote an endorsement to my book, and it was a dream that came true. 

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

We believe that people come to therapy because they want to change, but in reality, we are all conflicted about change. Usually, as the narrative unfolds, we discover the gaps between what people want to have and what they can tolerate having. For example, behind the wish to make money, have a career, or have children, we might locate resistance to change, a hidden ambivalence about growing up, and a struggle with separation and loss. A change is a slight goodbye to our past—to our childhood, to our familiar roles, to our known selves—and it is not unusual for people not to be able to handle or tolerate having what they think they want. Beneath the urge to have or not to have is usually another layer that navigates our lives. There is an unseen, unconscious part of us that might go against our conscious goals and even attack and undermine them. In fact, everything we don’t consciously know about ourselves has the power to control and run our lives. It’s important for therapists and patients to to remember how scary it is to change and how afraid we all are of the unknown. 

Is there anything else you’d particularly like to bring to readers’ attention?

The pandemic has given rise to a new level of discussion of trauma and its effects. 

We clinicians are aware of the clear link between the current crisis and a rising wave of pre-existing trauma; personal, intergenerational and racial traumas are now coming to the surface.  While childhood trauma used to be a shameful thing to disclose, in the last two years popular culture has become filled with bestselling books, successful documentaries, TV shows and social media references to mental health, therapy and healing, focused especially on early and childhood traumas. It was the distress of the pandemic that enabled an open discussion of trauma which helped many people to examine things that have haunted them since childhood, significant issues that were previously buried.  Our new hope lies in the emerging permission to use this moment to re-tell our stories, to look into the eyes of old shameful secrets, to protest against historical harms and to re-process our traumas and the traumas handed down to us from previous generations. 

[image error]

Ellen Vora: “I Generally Make the Conscious Choice to Prioritize Good Quality Social Connection Over Sleep.”

Interview: Dr. Ellen Vora

Dr. Ellen Vora is a board-certified psychiatrist and yoga teacher. Her new book just hit the shelves: The Anatomy of Anxiety: Understanding and Overcoming the Body's Fear Response (Amazon, Bookshop), which reframes our understanding of and relationship with anxiety.

I couldn't wait to talk to Ellen about happiness, habits, and mental health.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Ellen: Lowering my standards. 

For example, lowering my standards for exercise makes me happier. As a mom and a physician writing a book and juggling that with a busy clinical practice, I’m often treading water and I don’t have time for the sprawling 90-minute yoga classes of my 20s. I’ve found that aiming to do just 5-15 minutes of pilates, calisthenics, or goofy dancing in my living room is a sustainable goal. It has been revolutionary for me to recognize that this is enough. Many of us tend to get a bit all-or-nothing about exercise—that is, if we can’t do the real thing (gym, class, trainer, etc.), we feel defeated and end up doing nothing. But the benefits of exercise begin with any amount of exercise that is more than zero. So I’ve decided to shoot for something attainable, and this has allowed me to exercise consistently and glean the benefits to my health and mood. 

I have also found that regular (typically monthly) psychedelic ceremonies have unlocked creativity, allow me to move stuck emotions and release pent up grief, and help me course-correct anytime I stray from purpose and alignment in my work and personal life. 

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

To always choose people. When I was moving out of med school housing, I had a choice between two living situations: One was a proper bedroom, with a closet, in a nicer apartment, where I would live with a “rando” roommate (someone I clearly had nothing in common with); the other option was a miniscule bedroom carved out of a living room and separated by a thin pressurized wall, with no closet to speak of. But the second apartment came with two roommates that felt like kindred spirits. At this point in my life, the fact that I was even considering the nicer apartment with the less kindred roommate boggles my mind. Indeed, the moment I unpacked my bags in my tiny, fake bedroom, my entire life filled with community and connection. One of those roommates became a lifelong best friend, and the other is now my husband. At this point in my life, I understand that, whatever the decision, the best approach is to choose people. The quality of our relationships is the foundation for meaning and happiness in life, no matter how little closet space it comes with. 

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit—or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

I used to binge. Pizza, ice cream, grilled cheese… I would eat mind-boggling quantities in a shame-infused and painful fugue of loneliness and self-loathing. While CBT and mindfulness proved helpful in curbing the behavior, what really healed my relationship to food and bingeing was identifying which foods were behaving like drugs in my body and then abstaining from those foods. I had to realize that my binge-eating was a drug addiction to food. In particular, I was addicted to gluten, dairy, sugar, and whatever “flavor crystal” they add when they engineer processed foods to be addictive. Abstaining from the drug-like foods offered an exit ramp from bingeing, and gave me the space to heal on a psycho-spiritual level so I could eventually return to these foods from a place of wholeness and freedom. 

When it comes to building the challenging healthy habit of daily flossing, I’m still working on that one. Open to suggestions!

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?

I’m an Upholder with a sprinkle of Questioner. Even more profound than identifying and understanding my own Tendencies has been to see my patients through the lens of the Tendencies. These insights guide treatment and inform how to approach patients to effect the most potent behavioral change. 

Here’s a quick summary of how I anticipate the ways different Tendencies will respond to my suggestions, and how I try to navigate around common pitfalls. 

Obligers think to themselves: Dr. Vora told me to do these thousands of diet and lifestyle modifications, and I’m going to do it, because I’m always an A student, and I want her to approve of me. I don’t want to let her down, even if it bends me out of shape. 

I encourage Obligers to take me out of the equation. I try to encourage them to flex the muscle of making changes for themselves. I want them to better recognize their limits so they can make the changes that truly help and drop the changes that are compromising their balance. I’m also a realist, so I encourage them to identify an accountability partner to leverage their obliger spirit and support their process. 

Upholders respond to me by thinking: I want to change and feel better; I’m committed to doing this for myself, and I’m going to stick with it. 

Upholders do well with my approach, but I point out that they run the risk of going a bit too hard (i.e., becoming obsessive about wellness practices or developing orthorexic eating tendencies). I remind them that we’re making changes to diet and lifestyle so that their physical health can recede into the background and serve as a foundation for a fulfilling life. When the self-care practices have become a part-time job, then it’s the self-care itself that's standing in the way of a fulfilling life. In those instances, I encourage my upholders to loosen the reins. 

Questioners think: If this Dr. Vora can convince me with science, then I’m sold and I’ll make the recommended changes.

I love working with Questioners. I can talk shop all day, and I relish convincing people of functional approaches to mental health with science. But as my own relationship to scientific inquiry has evolved over the years, I caution my Questioners: I will convince you with science wherever I feel the science holds the keys to the truth. But there are aspects of our wellbeing that exist beyond the objective, measurable auspices of science. I hope Questioners won’t be turned off by those select areas where I attempt to convince them with . . . magic.

Rebels respond to me by thinking: This chipper doctor is trying to tell me to go gluten-free and give up coffee. F that! I have never wanted to order a pizza so much in my life as I do right now. Unfollowing now. 

My approach to mental health and Rebel Tendencies are like oil and water. When I realize I’m working with a Rebel, I acknowledge that we’re going to encounter some choppy waters. I sometimes think about writing a book especially for Rebels. It will be titled: Rethinking Anxiety: The Opposite Day Approach, where I use reverse psychology to trick your rebellious spirit into giving up coffee and adopting a daily meditation practice (e.g., Sure, you could go gluten free if you wanted to, and it probably would help with your IBS and depression, but it’s just so trendy, so I refuse to recommend it). For now, I hope my occasional irreverent humor keeps Rebels engaged and vaguely open to my suggestions. I think there’s also a case to be made that feeding ourselves nourishing food in the modern landscape of addictive processed foods, and limiting social media and phone use, are actually radical and rebellious acts. 

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness?

I suffer from FOMO, so I have a hard time walking away from a party or leaving a good late-night conversation while it still has some juice. Indeed, I’ll be the first to say that getting to bed at a consistent, wholesome hour is critical for mental health and wellbeing. But so is social connection. I generally make the conscious choice to prioritize good quality social connection over sleep. 

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

If you were alive in the 90s, you might remember the album cover for Dave Matthews Band Remember Two Things. It was a so-called “magic eye” image, where you would see an abstract pattern and not really “get” what all the fuss was about. Until one day, after you stared at it until your eyes watered, you would see an image appear (in this case, a hand making a peace sign). And then once you saw it, you could never un-see it. It never goes back to just being an abstract pattern to your eyes. 

I feel exactly the same way about functional medicine. The idea behind functional medicine is root cause resolution rather than symptom suppression. In other words, if you have a health issue, identify the root cause and address that, rather than simply popping a pill that suppresses symptoms but does nothing to resolve the fundamental root cause of the problem (and sometimes makes matters worse!). Once I saw that magic eye peace sign, I couldn’t unsee it. Today, when I meet a patient with depression or anxiety, I’m thinking, what are the root causes of this person's mood issues, and how do we address that? 

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

“Not worth it.”  When I’m trying to resist the temptation to scroll on my phone before bed, I remind myself that those 45 minutes of late night leisure or productivity will likely squander my ability to focus and feel good the entire next day. So I think—45 minutes for 12 hours? Not worth it. The same thing goes for alcohol. A glass of wine seems so tempting, and then I think about the 3 am wake-up, the inevitable morning headache, and having to drag myself through the next day and I realize… not worth it. 

Has a book ever changed your life—if so, which one and why?

Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg (Amazon, Bookshop). It taught me to recognize that we all have fundamental human needs, and we need to find ways to advocate for getting our needs met without obligating people into meeting those needs. One idea from that book that has particularly stuck with me is that many of us go about our lives giving out our “false yes” instead of our “true no.” This is when someone asks us to meet for coffee, or we get offered a project at work, and we know somewhere deep inside that we don’t want to meet for that coffee or take on that project. And yet we say, “Okay great!” We do this to avoid confrontation, to people-please, or in an attempt to fix all the wrongs in the world. But it never ends well. It’s a small betrayal of the self, which teaches our inner voice of intuition to be silenced. And we end up flaking on the commitment, or resenting the person who asked us to coffee. Ask yourself, would you want someone to agree to get a coffee with you out of a sense of obligation and then resent you for it? What we want to do instead is have a momentary check in with ourselves, discern whether something is a “true yes” or a “true no,” and then respond accordingly. As Brené Brown puts it, “Clear is kind.”

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

Yes, that mental health is a genetic destiny. While we certainly have genetic predispositions to certain mental health conditions, the most impactful determinants of our mental health are the state of our physical health (including inflammation, gut health, micronutrient status, whether we’re getting enough sleep, movement, and sunshine), the quality of our relationships and community, and our psycho-spiritual health (whether we have a sense of meaning or purpose in our lives). This is ultimately a hopeful message because these are things we have some degree of control over (unlike our genes). This understanding of mental health acknowledges that we have certain fundamental human needs—and once they are fulfilled, we can feel well. 

[image error]

Scarlett Thomas: “The Best Happiness Isn’t Instant, and You Can’t Buy It.”

Interview: Scarlett Thomas

Scarlett Thomas is an author of fiction, whose novels include The End of Mr. Y (Amazon, Bookshop), Bright Young Things (Amazon, Bookshop), and PopCo (Amazon), as well as the magical children's book series Worldquake (Amazon, Bookshop). She is a professor of Creative Writing & Contemporary Fiction at the University of Kent.

I'm a huge fan of her novels. If you ask, "Which one should I read first?" it's a tough choice. I think I'd go with PopCo.

I also really enjoyed her book about writing, Monkeys with Typewriters: How to Write Fiction and Unlock the Secret Power of Stories. (Amazon, Bookshop)

Her new book, 41-Love: A Memoir (Amazon, Bookshop) is available now, and because I so admire her work, I read it as soon as it hit the shelves. It's the memoir of how in 2013, when she turned 41, she returned to playing tennis for the first time since she was a talented 14-year-old. (If you'd like to learn more, she gave an interesting interview in the New York Times about the memoir.)

I couldn't wait to talk to Scarlett about happiness, habits, and aims.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Scarlett: I spend time thinking about my goals before I work out how to achieve them. I think it’s dangerous to chase after stuff that looks like all the shit in adverts or on Instagram without stopping to think, ‘Do I really want this?’

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

That the best happiness isn’t instant, and you can’t buy it.

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

I gave up smoking in 2008. It was the most difficult thing I have ever done. The key was sticking to my decision, even in moments I felt I might literally die.

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?

Upholder.

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness?

Patriarchal capitalism tends to be a bit of a downer, tbh.

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

Watching the Forks Over Knives documentary recently turned me from a junk food vegan into a wholefood vegan.

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

I love Claire Weekes’s formulation against anxiety: Accept, face, float, let time pass.

Has a book ever changed your life – if so, which one and why?

The first time I read the Tao Te Ching was pretty incredible! (Amazon, Bookshop)

[image error]

Jason Gots: “Our Concept of Happiness Needs to Be Spacious Enough for the Vastness of Life Itself.”

Interview: Jason Gots

Jason Gots writes, sings, and talks about big ideas, human development, and creativity. He is the host and producer of the Think Again podcast and producer of the Clever Creature podcast, and he's a lecturer in the writing department of Columbia University’s Graduate School of the Arts.

His first book, Humanity Is Trying: Experiments in Living with Grief, Finding Connection, and Resisting Easy Answers (Amazon, Bookshop) hit shelves last week.

I couldn't wait to talk to Jason about happiness, habits, and creativity.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Jason: The single best habit I picked up, later than most perhaps (because I’ve been a slow bloomer in so many things) is dedicating my time intentionally to different kinds of work, based on the natural rhythms of my mind and heart. Mornings (until as late as 2 pm if I’m really on a roll) are for writing, teaching, or interviews—anything that requires creative energy. Often I’ll write from 9 to 1 and it’s been a more productive and satisfying day than many 9am-6pm workdays I’ve had in the past. Afternoons are better for reading and research. 

If I’m creating something from nothing (like writing a song), later in the week…Wednesday, Thursday, or Friday is better for me than Monday or Tuesday. My spirit’s just brighter, more playful and more free toward the end of the week. In a better place for dreaming. 

I think we do ourselves a great deal of harm trying to conform to working rhythms that aren’t our own. All of society conspires to guilt or literally force us into these patterns (it’s a hangover from Industrialization). In my 20s for example, I thought artists were supposed to be “night people” rather than “morning people” and tortured myself by trying to do creative work mainly at night, which, for me, is just wrong. Or, in my 30s, pressured by society to work from 9-5, 6, or 7, I wasted time and energy fiddling away in the afternoon hours at something that would have taken me half the time the next morning. Now I’m just as likely to use some of that afternoon time for an energizing phone call or a lunch with a friend—a connection that (besides just being a pleasure in itself) informs and feeds my work. 

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

I know that it’s not all or nothing. I know that it’s incremental—a messy, lifelong work-in-progress. My teens and 20s were tortured with the thought that there was one perfect love, one perfect job, one perfect city that—if only I could find and commit to it—would make my life happy forever. I now understand that happiness is as much about the things we let go of (the attachment to perfection, for example) as it is about the things we find and hold on to. 

Also, that we often misunderstand what happiness is. It has so many nuances, forms, and shades. In the grinning advertisement that is America, happiness is a bikini body on a perfect beach, beers with friends… in Turkey, where my wife is from, there’s a concept called “huzun” which might be translated as “the happiness of melancholy," like the feeling you get in Istanbul looking out across a city where centuries upon centuries of civilizations lie buried beneath the hills, or scattered in fragments among the gleaming modern buildings. 

Our concept of happiness needs to be spacious enough for the vastness of life itself. It needs to encompass the fact that we’re mortal, and that the people we love are mortal. The ordinary suffering of life—aging, illness, death, change itself—shouldn’t be seen as irritations that get in the way of the “real work” of happiness. Any happiness we cultivate has to swim in these same waters. 

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

Yes–a few of them! Most recently, I stopped drinking altogether after 30+ years as what I’d call a functionally problematic drinker. The kind who never passes out at a party or ends up crashing a car, losing a job, or going to jail because of alcohol, but who, once they have that first cocktail, is (as it were) hang-gliding across a chasm. Every drink is an updraft, so you’re understandably unwilling and unable to stop at one or two. 

In subtle and insidious ways, even weekend drinking becomes a pattern that saps my creative energy and my ambition (mainly, probably, because of how it interferes with sleep even days afterward). So in 2021 I finally decided that moderation wasn’t for me—that it was time to kick alcohol out of my life entirely. 

How did I do it? Well, I’ve stopped before, for as long as a year and a half (always with the intention of coming back to it eventually, more moderately). For me, it starts with an act of will. I did inherit an iron will from my mother. So when I decide that I’m sick of something, or that something needs to change, I change it. 

But after that, there’s a lot of mindfulness involved in sustaining the change. For example, when my mind starts spinning romantic tales about how creativity and whisky are inseparable, about the ancient bond between Dionysus and art…and therefore I should allow myself that Manhattan…I have to notice what my mind is doing and talk back to it about what absolute bullshit that is. 

“Not-drinking”, like other good habits such as meditation, is also somewhat self-sustaining (through mindfulness) because I can see and feel the many, many ways it makes my life and my work better. 

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger? 

Does it make me a Rebel that I want to refuse categorization? I took the quiz, but the result didn’t make it to my inbox (or spam, or anywhere else I could find it) for some reason. But even if it had, I suspect I would have been uncomfortable with the results, because I’m always more interested in the ambiguities between things than in things as discrete entities or categories.

But let me try to explain and do justice to the question. I’m an Upholder in that I do make internal commitments and stick to them, often (what might seem to others) rigidly, regardless of external circumstances. Most of my strongest commitments are ones I’ve made to myself, because they make sense to me. Often I need a lot of evidence (in the form of mistakes) before I see the wisdom of a certain path. I’m a Rebel in that I’m annoyed by things that feel pro-forma and “viral," like saying phrases like “At the end of the day…” and I reject them whenever possible because they feel like traps and limitations. I do question everything and love to inquire and examine things deeply, so in that sense I’m (or that aspect of me is) a Questioner. 

The only thing I’m definitively NOT is an Obliger.

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness? (e.g. travel, parties, email)

The only thing that ever interferes is the pressure of external expectations that I’ve internalized. Like the idea that everyone has to work at a desk from 9 until the evening. Or that something like meditation or reading is “extra” rather than integral to everyday life (even on a work day). 

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

Yes. When I was a senior in high school, I had a “lightning bolt” conversation with my best friend, John. It had happened that my serious girlfriend at the time was attracted to him and vice versa. They had kissed once, then told me about it, and I was in a hell of jealousy. John stayed over at my house that night and we stayed up all night talking. He told me all about the teachings of Meher Baba (a religious mystic of the 1960s whose ideas are a blend from Hinduism, Buddhism, and Islamic Sufism). At the time (I learned that night) John was a devotee of Meher Baba. I had never before encountered mystical spirituality—ideas about universal love and the interconnectedness of all things—and the perspective completely blew my mind. 

The next morning, I called my girlfriend (with John still there in the room) and said, “Listen. I want you to be happy. If you and John want to explore a relationship, go for it. I’m not going to hold you.” I meant it. They went on one date after that and it turned out there wasn’t much more to it, and my girlfriend and I got back together, and we never mentioned it again. I never again felt jealous about it. I’d gone through a marvelous internal change by genuinely letting go of my attachment to her. Not of my love for her, but of the idea that love meant I needed to bind her to me forever and defend against attackers. I’m not saying I never again in my life felt jealousy, but it was a sudden experience of an entirely new way of being. 

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

The phrase “welcome, friend” is a useful mantra when I’m feeling aversion to anything—from cold weather, to diving into a difficult producing or editing session, to a conversation I’d rather not have. I actively try to welcome everything, no matter how difficult, as something to face directly rather than run away from. 

As crazy as it sounds, I think this applies even to, say, getting mugged in an alley. The experience is happening. So even if what you need to do is fight or run, you’re better off facing fully the fact that it’s happening rather than having your entire consciousness hijacked by your amygdala and cortisol. We don’t tend to make the best decisions, even in times of danger, when we’re in fight-flight-freeze mode. So am I suggesting you hug your attacker? Absolutely not. But the energy of terror isn’t your best friend in a dangerous situation. 

Has a book ever changed your life – if so, which one and why?

Neil Gaiman’s The Sandman comics. (Amazon, Bookshop) I first read them in my late teens and early 20s and they entirely changed the way I thought about what was possible in writing. Gaiman brings in fragments of story and character from mythology, literature, and popular culture from Ancient Greece to Shakespeare to television, and dreams them into incredibly specific, modern life. These fragments live again, encounter one another, go off in new and unexpected directions. This fall, I think, they’re finally bringing out a high-quality TV series of Sandman (on Netflix) and I suspect millions more people will suddenly know what I mean. 

Each series of the original comic has a new artist, with a different style, and sometimes (say, when a character’s dreaming) a given artist will draw or paint a part of a story in a different style from the rest. Gaiman himself, since writing Sandman, has thrived in multiple genres—TV, novels, nonfiction—and he continues to teach me that the boundaries of stories, genres, and professional fields are more porous than we’re led to believe. It’s an exhilarating freedom for someone like me, who’s never been at home in one single profession. 

Also, breaking another set of boundaries, The Sandman taught me that “high culture” and “pop culture” aren’t incompatible—Gaiman creates a philosophically, emotionally, symbolically rich world in a medium most people at the time still dismissed as disposable kids’ stuff. 

Sandman has informed all of my work since I first read it. I live in a time and place where we’re totally inundated with loud, blunt marketing that’s all about money and sex. I love rock music, punk music, the Velvet Underground…I’m a child of my times. And at the same time, I’m in heaven listening to an audiobook of Milton’s Paradise Lost (Amazon, Bookshop) while walking the dog. So as a writer and a podcaster I try to let the influences spill into one another without worrying too much about what’s academic, what’s popular, what’s high, what’s low… 

[image error]

Vanessa Van Edwards: “I Now Know That Open Body Means Open Mind.”

Interview: Vanessa Van Edwards

Vanessa is Lead Investigator at Science of People; she focuses on helping people to develop tangible skills to improve interpersonal communication and leadership, and to communicate more effectively with colleagues, clients and customers.

She's the bestselling author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People (Amazon, Bookshop), and now she has a new book: Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication (Amazon, Bookshop).

I couldn't wait to talk to Vanessa about happiness, habits, and communication.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Vanessa: Every day I deal with people. Much like you, I deal with people on Zoom, over email, in my kitchen, at the grocery store and in tiny texts, nods and slacks. And every day I am learning. A few years ago, I began to write down my “People Learnings” in a journal. When I discovered something interesting about people or a specific person, I wrote it down. Here are some from the last month:

“People tend to criticize others with the faults they themselves wrestle with.”

“Unsolicited advice does not feel helpful. Before giving advice ask if someone wants help or just a kind ear to listen.”

“Seeing my old friend Rob makes me feel really good.”

And every time I re-learn one or experience one again, I give it a “point” in the margin. In this way, I have begun to discover all kinds of people patterns. Namely, who in my life fills me and makes me better. Who drains me. What people boundaries are working for me…and which are not. Do you have a place where you can keep your people learnings?

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

Busy does not equal happiness. I used to think a busy day was a successful day. I thought being busy made me feel good, capable, and productive. As I have gotten older I have realized that busy just keeps you from feeling anything too deeply. It distracts you from bad, it doesn’t take it away. I like slow days. Slow days allow me to feel good, bad, and in between and that, in the long run makes me happy. 

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you – or your readers – most?

Our cues are contagious. In our research we have very clearly discovered that the cues you send to others through our body language, vocal patterns, face and words not only change people’s perceptions of us, they change how people feel themselves. For example, if you make an angry face (furrowed brow, hardened lower eye lids, tense lips), people around you are likely to perceive you as irritated and angry. But they are also likely to ‘catch’ this face. When we see an angry face we, without realizing it, also activate the muscles that furrow or brows, harden our lids and tense our lips and this triggers our own anger. This is why you can walk out of a meeting in a totally unexplained funk—you might have caught someone else’s funk. Or why one bad apple can spoil the bunch. Being aware of your cues is not only essential for you and how you show up in the world, they are also incredibly important for how you impact and change the world itself! We have discovered 97 cues and counting. (All in Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication.)

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

I used to stand with one arm over my stomach and the other tightly pressed to my side. I think it was a protective gesture that I developed when I was anxious in school. It made me look small. It made me feel small. I read research that ‘blocking’ or closed body language can actually make you feel more close-minded. It also makes you look more closed to meeting and connecting with others. So I set out to change it—and it was so hard! Standing with my arms loosely by my side almost made me feel…naked! Exposed! It was truly shocking how hard that change was nonverbally. But I did notice that the ‘nakedness’ did make me feel a bit more daring, more open, more inviting. And I had better conversations, better connections. It took a few weeks, but the exposed feeling moved into confidence. I now know that open body means open mind.

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

I remember watching an interview with Lance Armstrong on Larry King Live many years ago. And Armstrong was insisting he never doped or used performance enhancing drugs. And I remember watching the interview and having the strongest feeling in my gut—this guy is lying. I couldn’t put my finger on why, but I knew something was off. Then a few years later he admitted to a massive undercover doping scheme. This was like a lightning bolt. I went back and re-watched the interview. Again and again. I slowed it down. I watched it backwards. I coded every single cue that he sent in that interview and then, in my lab, I dove into the research of each. Sure enough a few seconds into one of his lies he did a cue called a lip purse—where you press your lips into a hard line. This cue is a nonverbal sign of withholding. Literally you press your lips together as if to hold something in. It is THE CUE my brain subconsciously picked up on when he lied. It was the start of many years of research into the hidden language of cues. It made me realize there is a hidden language being spoken all around us and our gut can be incredibly accurate if we know what we are reading. It was the spark of 10 years of research. We analyzed 495 Shark Tank pitches looking at hidden cues (why do some pitches get investment and other’s fail?). We analyzed thousands of hours of TED Talks looking for hidden cues (why do some TED Talks go viral and others don’t?). We even watched the last 20 US Presidential inaugural addresses looking for Presidential patterns. Thank goodness for that Lance Armstrong lip purse!

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

Many people worry that you have to be born with charisma and that you either have it or you don’t. A myth I would like to bust is that ANYONE can learn how to be charismatic and it does not mean you have to fake being an extrovert. Research has found there is a formula to charisma and it is that highly charismatic people have a potent blend of warmth and competence. Dialing up these two traits is what helps people see you as trustworthy AND capable, as friendly AND impressive and as likable AND powerful. You do not have to sacrifice one for the other and you do not have to fake extroversion to be charismatic.

[image error]

What I Read This Month: February 2022

For four years now, every Monday morning, I've posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads.

I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read.

As I write about in my book Better Than Before, for most of my life, my habit was to finish any book that I started. Finally, I realized that this approach meant that I spent time reading books that bored me, and I had less time for books that I truly enjoy. These days, I put down a book if I don’t feel like finishing it, so I have more time to do my favorite kinds of reading.

This habit means that if you see a book included in the #GretchenRubinReads photo, you know that I liked it well enough to read to the last page.

When I read books related to an area I’m researching for a writing project, I carefully read and take notes on the parts that interest me, and skim the parts that don’t. So I may list a book that I’ve partly read and partly skimmed. For me, that still “counts.”

If you’d like more ideas for habits to help you get more reading done, read this post or download my "Reading Better Than Before" worksheet.

You can also follow me on Goodreads where I track books I’ve read.

If you want to see what I read last month, the full list is here.

February 2022 Reading:

Mrs Palfrey at the Claremont by Elizabeth Taylor (Amazon, Bookshop)—I'm on an Elizabeth Taylor kick. A thought-provoking, unexpected novel.

One Two Three Four: The Beatles in Time by Craig Brown (Amazon)—Winner of the Ballie Gifford Prize 2020, Spectator Book of the Year, Times Book of the Year, Telegraph Book of the Year, Sunday Times Book of the Year—a wonderful book about the Beatles. Ever since I watched the documentary Get Back, I've been wanting to learn more about the Beatles and their creative process.

The Power Notebooks by Katie Roiphe (Amazon, Bookshop)—a memoir about love, divorce, marriage, family, and historical figures told in very short essays. Compelling.

Bomb Shelter: Love, Time, and Other Explosives by Mary Laura Philpott (Amazon, Bookshop)—also a memoir in essays, about motherhood, anxiety, self-knowledge, and much more.

The Rest of Us Just Live Here by Patrick Ness (Amazon, Bookshop)—ALA Best Fiction for Young Adults, Kirkus Best Book of the Year, Chicago Public Library Best Teen Books of the Year—a really interesting slant on young-adult fiction.

And in the End: The Last Days of the Beatles by Ken McNab (Amazon, Bookshop)—More Beatles!

Demystifying Disability: What to Know, What to Say, and How to Be an Ally by Emily Ladau (Amazon, Bookshop)—I really like the podcast The Accessible Stall with Kyle and Emily, where Emily Ladau is a co-host. After binge-listening to the show, I wanted to read her book. Cogent and excellent.

From Strength to Strength: Finding Success, Happiness, and Deep Purpose in the Second Half of Life by Arthur C. Brooks (Amazon, Bookshop)—#1 New York Times Bestseller—a great book about thinking about happiness and how our lives change over time.

Deaf Again by Mark Drolsbaugh (Amazon)—a fascinating memoir, I read it on one day.

A Brief History of Everyone Who Ever Lived: The Human Story Retold Through Our Genes by Adam Rutherford (Amazon, Bookshop)—Winner of the 2018 Thomas Bonner Book Prize—a fascinating look at the genes and humankind.

Nothing Personal by James Baldwin, photographs by Richard Avedon (Amazon, Bookshop)—a powerful, compelling match-up of photographs and text by two great artists.

Chattering: Stories by Louise Stern (Amazon)—short stories that really stuck in my mind.

The Magic And The Healing by Nick O'Donohoe (Amazon)—a classic fantasy with a modern twist—unicorns and griffins + drug addiction and gene therapy.

The Goblin Emperor by Katherine Addison (Amazon, Bookshop)—Unbound Worlds 100 Best Fantasy Novels of All Time—I loved this novel and have already started the sequel. Speaking of unicorns, it features elves and goblins.

Landscape with Invisible Hand by M.T. Anderson (Amazon, Bookshop)—everyday life in a memorable dystopia.

Anatomy: A Love Story (Amazon, Bookshop)—#1 New York Times Bestseller, #1 Indie Bestseller, USA Today Bestseller, Reese's YA Book Club Pick—a memorable historical novel with a determined protagonist.

Introducing New Tools and Features in the Happier App.

I’m so thrilled about the enthusiastic response to the Happier app. The app launched in November, and I love hearing how people are using the tools in the app to make progress toward their aims.

But what’s true for building good habits also holds true for building a revolutionary app—there is no finish line! Our team is continually improving the tools, features, and content in the Happier app, based on your valuable feedback. 

I’m excited to share these updates:

[image error]

New Tool: Track Your Total—Measure numbers that add up over time, like miles, minutes, or words.Access your camera roll to add a photo to your Photo Log.

 

[image error]

Set up reminders for any aim to get notifications on specific days and times.Edit your aims—if you need to adjust your aim, you can now edit your aim title or reminders by clicking the menu from your Tool Kit.

 

[image error]

See the date you last completed your aims in your Tool Kit.Share tips, quotes, self-knowledge questions and other content from the app by tapping “View more,” then the “share” icon.

Haven't tried the Happier app yet? Download the app and get started for free.

If you're using the app, let me know—what's your favorite tool? What new tools or features would you like to see added?