Gretchen Rubin's Blog, page 17

Daniel Coyle: “When You Shift into a New Narrative, You Are Opening Up an Entirely New Set of Possibilities”

Interview: Daniel Coyle

Daniel Coyle is a contributing editor for Outside Magazine and the author of six books, including the New York Times bestsellers Lance Armstrong's War (Amazon, Bookshop) and The Culture Code (Amazon, Bookshop). In his new book, The Culture Playbook: 60 Highly Effective Actions to Help Your Group Succeed (Amazon, Bookshop), he provides readers with sixty concrete skills to help any team build a strong, cohesive, positive culture.

I couldn't wait to talk to Daniel about happiness, habits, and success.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Daniel: I find it deeply insane how much my internal state can be boosted by a hard physical workout. The simple, idiotic, Neanderthal act of putting your head down and pushing really hard for a few minutes shifts something deep inside you. It wakes you up in a new way. It’s your body saying, Hey, I’m down here, and the outside world saying, Me too! And those combine to get you out of your own head. It’s not that different from losing yourself in beautiful music.  

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

Being young brings many happiness advantages because A) you don’t know much about the world; and B) you’re not actively trying to be happy. I find that the instant you start aiming for happiness as a goal, it evaporates. I think that’s why people who focus on happiness as an extrinsic goal (hello, wellness industry) project such a narrow, almost businesslike vibe. Now that I’m older, I focus less on happiness, and instead try to spot it out of the corner of my eye whenever it bubbles up. To pause and take it in for a second. Then get back to whatever it was that caused it to happen. Which usually involves some activity that is not centered on me – either absorbing work or doing something for someone else. 

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you – or your readers – most?

I’ve spent most of my career exploring big mysterious questions right under our noses – why do certain people and groups succeed, and others don’t? What is success, really? The continuing, everlasting surprise has been how much success is generated and governed by our internal narratives. To put it simply: success looks like a talent contest, but it turns out to be a story contest. Certain stories generate awareness and behaviors that generate virtuous spirals, producing creativity, well-being, and connection. Other stories generate the opposite effect. So story remains the strongest drug ever invented. When you shift into a new narrative, you are opening up an entirely new set of possibilities and pathways – which is sometimes a bummer but ultimately hopeful, especially considering the challenges we are facing as a species right now. 

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

For most of my life, I had a big-time sweet tooth. I would not want to estimate my glucose intake from ages 5-25, but it would be measured in metric tons. Over the past few years, I’ve dialed back a lot, mostly by noticing the chain of sensations – the desire and the taste and the feelings in the body afterwards -- and then thinking about what is really happening during each of these steps. Not that I didn’t eat an entire box of Milk Duds at a movie last night – but hey, at least I realized what was going on!  

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger? 

I’m an Upholder with my kids, an Obliger with colleagues, a Questioner with my siblings, but down deep I’d describe myself as a Rebel. I am attracted to boundaries and I like to push against them to see what happens. Maybe this is connected to spending my childhood in Alaska and visiting my parents’ homes in near St. Louis, Missouri, every summer. Early on, I was alert to the nearly-cartoonish contrast between the two places – one place wild and invented, with gravel roads and a culture of making up the rules as you went, the other tidy and traditional, where you color inside the lines (or else!). All that added up to create in me the unshakable idea that borders are most fun if they are discovered, stretched, and occasionally broken. 

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness?

Like everybody, I would put distraction at the top of the list. At the same time, I want to put a good word in for distraction, because I find that it can help with creativity. I know it’s not supposed to (the research on “switching time” is pretty definitive) but I have to confess: the little time spent watching a funny video while I’m from writing (even as I’m writing this) ends up leaving me a bit refreshed and able to see new pathways that I might have missed. I’d say that the key is in paying attention to the ways that you are distracted – and in being intentional about it, so that you use your distraction in a healthy way (as a lever), and not in an unhealthy way (as a perpetual escape).  

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

Reading The Right Stuff by Tom Wolfe (Amazon, Bookshop) at age 15 set me onto this path of being a writer. For me, that experience was like when musicians of a certain age describe the feeling seeing the Beatles perform for the first time on television – a feeling a door opening to reveal an entirely new world — you mean people can get paid to do that? That book – that smart, fun, rollicking voice — lit me up and led to a set of questions that I’ve ended up exploring in various ways for my entire career: where does greatness come from? How do you get it? What is the price?

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

I like “Get up on the Roof.” You use it when you feel stuck in a situation or in a particularly narrow emotional reaction to a situation, and it works because it nudges you toward the truth: there exists a higher perspective, and all you have to do is take the time and step up onto it, and look around.  I also like the way it speaks to the magic inherent in perspective shifts. Unlike so many other progressions in life, which require sweat and grit and time, changes in perspective actually do happen in a micro-second. Life seems fixed and utterly irreversible and then — presto! — you get on the roof and see it in a new way that makes your old way of seeing seem like a distant memory. This mantra is doubly useful because it applies in both “good” and “bad” situations.  It reinforces the truth: our lives, no matter how dire or how wonderful, are never purely bad or good, but rather exist in multiple ways. 

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

Most people – me included, for much of my life – walk around thinking that good books are about providing answers, that the role of the author is to be the deliverer of Big Secrets. I’ve come to think this is wrong. Great writers aren’t the ones with the answers; they are the ones with the enduring questions and the useful tools for exploration. 

They are able to do this because they are in in touch with the inner lives and curiosities of their readers. They have a sense for what anxieties, dreams, and questions people are thinking about when they’re laying awake at 3 am. Then they find ways to explore those areas – mostly questions. In all, I think good writers are sort of like the divers who explore these great oceans inside of us, and then they hand you a snorkel and flippers or maybe even a scuba set so that you can do it yourself.

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What I Read This Month: April 2022

For four years now, every Monday morning, I've posted a photo on my Facebook Page of the books I finished during the week, with the tag #GretchenRubinReads.

I get a big kick out of this weekly habit—it’s a way to shine a spotlight on all the terrific books that I’ve read.

As I write about in my book Better Than Before, for most of my life, my habit was to finish any book that I started. Finally, I realized that this approach meant that I spent time reading books that bored me, and I had less time for books that I truly enjoy. These days, I put down a book if I don’t feel like finishing it, so I have more time to do my favorite kinds of reading.

This habit means that if you see a book included in the #GretchenRubinReads photo, you know that I liked it well enough to read to the last page.

When I read books related to an area I’m researching for a writing project, I carefully read and take notes on the parts that interest me, and skim the parts that don’t. So I may list a book that I’ve partly read and partly skimmed. For me, that still “counts.”

If you’d like more ideas for habits to help you get more reading done, read this post or download my "Reading Better Than Before" worksheet.

You can also follow me on Goodreads where I track books I’ve read.

If you want to see what I read last month, the full list is here.

April 2022 Reading:

The Joy of Sweat: The Strange Science of Perspiration by Sarah Everts (Amazon, Bookshop)—An Outside magazine 2021 Science book pick—A fascinating look at a very common aspect of life.

The Bell Family by Noel Streatfeild (Amazon, Bookshop)—I just realized that Noel Streatfeild has several novels that I've never read, and it's so delightful to plunge in. This children's novel is based on her own childhood. It's very much like A Vicarage Family, below, which is a memoir.

How to be a Family: The Year I Dragged My Kids Around the World to Find a New Way to Be Together by Dan Kois (Amazon, Bookshop)—I'm a big fan of the podcast Mom and Dad Are Fighting, which was co-hosted for many years by Dan Kois, and I knew that Dan and I would both be at the Iceland Writers Retreat, so I wanted to read his memoir. Funny, thought-provoking.

Klara and the Sun by Kazuo Ishiguro (Amazon, Bookshop)—New York Times bestseller; I loved this novel; it was the chance to be inside a pure mind.

In the Land of Pain by Alphonse Daudet (Amazon, Bookshop)—When I interviewed Meghan O'Rourke about her book The Invisible Kingdom: Reimagining Chronic Illness (Amazon, Bookshop), she suggested this book. Short, haunting account of Daudet's experience of chronic illness and pain.

Inside Grandad by Peter Dickinson (Amazon)—I'm a huge fan of the work of Peter Dickinson but had somehow missed this novel. A simple, lovely story about a boy's love for his grandfather.

Thinking 101: How to Reason Better to Live Better by Woo-Kyoung Ahn (Amazon, Bookshop)—A very engaging, readable, and powerful examination of how we can think more clearly.

My Year Off: Recovering Life After a Stroke by Robert McCrum (Amazon, Bookshop)—A very moving account of the author's experience of having a stroke at a relatively young age.

First Bite by Bee Wilson (Amazon, Bookshop)—Fortnum & Mason Food Book of the Year 2016—a fascinating examination of why we eat what we eat.

True Biz: A Novel by Sara Nović (Amazon, Bookshop)—New York Times bestseller, Reese's Book Club pick—I read this novel in one day. I'd just binge-watched the reality series Deaf U, and True Biz picks up on many of the same themes related to Deaf culture.

The Vicarage Family by Noel Streatfeild (Amazon)—Streatfeild writes this memoir in the third-person, which gives it a different atmosphere. If you love the Shoes books, you'll love this.

You'll Never Believe What Happened to Lacey: Crazy Stories about Racism by Amber Ruffin and Lacey Lamar (Amazon, Bookshop)—New York Times bestseller, a Library Journal Best Book of the Year—These essays highlights very serious issues of racism by using humor and sisterly banter.

Under the Glacier by Halldór Laxness (Amazon, Bookshop)—I wanted to read at least one novel by Laxness before coming to Iceland. This is an extremely odd and interesting novel.

Travels with a Donkey in the Cevennes by Robert Louis Stevenson (Amazon, Bookshop)—A travelogue from a very different time and place. I very much admire the work of Stevenson, and had never read this one.

Mary Laura Philpott: “I’m What I Call an ‘Anxious Optimist.’”

Interview: Mary Laura Philpott

Mary Laura Philpott is an author, former bookseller, and Emmy-winning co-host of A Word on Words, the literary interview program on Nashville Public Television. She's the author of the national bestseller I Miss You When I Blink (Amazon, Bookshop) and her new memoir, Bomb Shelter: Love, Time and Other Explosives (Amazon, Bookshop) just hit shelves this month.

I couldn't wait to talk to Mary Laura about happiness, habits, and seasons of life.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you calmer?

Mary Laura: I was so skeptical about meditation before I started, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t work. It should be required from preschool onward — we humans need it!

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

There’s no finish line. I keep having to re-learn this lesson. I’m always setting my sights on some elusive goal or state of being, thinking, “Once I reach _______, I can finally relax and be happy.” Nope. Happiness doesn’t come from finally reaching a particular status or achievement.

Can you think of a spontaneous, unexpected moment of joy, silliness, or amusement you’ve had recently? What sparked it?

During the Winter Olympics, there was a tweet going around asking what song people would choose if they were doing a figure skating routine. I knew the answer instantly: “MMMBop” by Hanson. Wait, hear me out! I know it’s cheesy, but it is one of my core beliefs that you cannot feel sad listening to that song. Can you even imagine someone gliding out onto the ice as that chorus kicks in?

It makes me laugh every time I think about it.

Have you ever been hit by a lightning bolt, where you made a major change very suddenly, as a consequence of reading a book, a conversation with a friend, a milestone birthday, a health scare, etc.?

I changed my eating habits significantly when I was pregnant with my first child and I was diagnosed with borderline gestational diabetes. I’d always had a sweet tooth — I loved good ol’ refined carbs and white flour, too — and I had never tried very hard to eat better. Knowing that what I ate would be the only source of nutrition for my unborn baby and that if I didn’t change my ways he’d be swimming in sugar-water (*not a scientifically accurate description) made me overhaul my habits completely. I do eat sugar and carbs now in moderation, but I never really went back to how I ate before. That’s the number-one way to get me to do something: tell me someone else’s well-being depends on my behavior.

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?

Oh, I am an Obliger, through and through.

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness?

My own brain! I’m what I call an “anxious optimist.” I have a general baseline belief that most things will probably turn out okay, but my mind also never stops spinning an array of horror stories about all the ways things could go wrong. It’s as if by anticipating every possible catastrophe, I can be prepared for them all, and thus avoid any unfortunate surprises…which, of course, is not really how life works. And it’s exhausting. That’s how meditation helps me; it makes me practice holding my mind still in the present instead of letting it run wild into a hundred hypothetical futures.

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

This is my favorite work motto lately: “Be so good they can’t ignore you,” a quote from Steve Martin. It can be hard to stay confident and focused during the in-between phases of a literary career, the years when you’re just sitting alone, writing, with no idea what will ultimately become of what you’re creating. There are so many ways a book can ultimately succeed or fail, and during those long periods of uncertainty it’s easy to get caught up in comparisons. Will my book sell as many copies as so-and-so’s? Will the reviews be good, or will it even be reviewed at all? The truth is that I can’t control any of that. The only thing I can control is the work itself, and I’m the only one who can make that work great.

I also tend to be attracted to shiny, new endeavors and often feel drawn to multi-task more than is actually good for me. I’m always thinking, should I start another newsletter? Maybe a blog or podcast or show? I tell myself, “Be so good they can’t ignore you” as a way of saying, “Get back to work, and write a book that’ll get you on everyone else’s blog or podcast or show.”

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

There’s a funny tendency among readers — not all readers, obviously, but enough that I’ve heard it often: People will say they love the latest novel set in space, they can’t wait for the new tell-all biography about a movie star, or they’re absolutely addicted to a murder mystery series. And then some of these same people, if you were to recommend to them a memoir that includes motherhood, will say, “Eh, I can’t really relate to that. I’m not a mom.” Really?? You’re not an astronaut, a celebrity, or a serial killer either, are you?

I used to avoid writing about family and motherhood, and I still draw my boundaries very carefully when I do write about it, but exploring the experience of parenting another human being is at least as good a way to illuminate the meaning of love, risk, joy, and pain as writing about the trials of life on Mars. I mean, didn’t we all — at some point, for at least a little while — come from a mother?

Anyway, I guess my point is this: Books, especially memoirs, are not meant only for readers who are just like the people in those books. It’s wonderful if you can relate to something you read, but it’s especially cool when you find something elemental to relate to in a story about someone who, on the surface, is different from you.

If you were to describe your work using a comparison from a different field, what would that be?

I write books, so I’ll use a comparison from a different entertainment medium, television: I’d say the experience of reading my new book, Bomb Shelter, combines the big, cathartic emotional range of watching a show like Parenthood or This Is Us with the quirky, feel-good laughs of, say, Ted Lasso. I love it when something hits that sweet spot that lights up my whole emotional circuit board — when I’ve both cried and laughed by the end of an episode or a chapter. That’s what I’m going for.

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The Happier App Won the Prestigious Webby Award!

We won a Webby Award!

I'm thrilled to announce that the Happier app has been named the Best Visual Design (Function) for Apps and Software in the 26th Annual Webby Awards Internet Celebration. Named the “Internet’s highest honor” by the New York Times, The Webby Awards, presented by the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences (IADAS), is the leading international awards organization honoring excellence on the Internet.

“The Happier app has set the standard for innovation and creativity on the Internet,” said Claire Graves, Executive Director of The Webby Awards. “This award is a testament to the skill, ingenuity, and vision of its creators.”

IADAS is comprised of Internet industry experts including Kerstin Emhoff, Co-Founder & CEO – PRETTYBIRD; Colleen DeCourcy, President, Wieden+Kennedy; Arlan Hamilton, Founder & Managing Partner – Backstage Capital; John Hanke, Founder & CEO – Niantic; Nikole Hannah-Jones, Creator – 1619, The New York Times; Renita Jablonski, Director of Audio – The Washington Post; Mikael Jørgensen, Founder & CEO – &Co; Monica Lewinsky, Activist, Fashion Designer & Producer; Swizz Beatz & Timbaland, Music Producers & Co-Founders  – Verzuz; Vanessa Pappas, COO – TikTok; Daniel Reynolds, Vice President, Digital Media – Disney; Dara Treseder, SVP,  Head of Global Marketing & Communications – Peloton; and Maya Watson, Head of Global Marketing – Clubhouse.

For the Happier app, I’m working with an extraordinary team to build a beautiful tool that helps people make their lives happier, and it's an honor to have our hard work recognized in this way. A huge “thank you” to everyone who voted for us in the Webby Awards People's Voice, and to everyone who has downloaded and used the Happier app.

One of my aphorisms is “Beautiful tools make work a joy,” and one of my chief interests is how people can effectively change their habits, and it has been so gratifying to think about how to make a habit-change tool that's highly effective, easy to use, and attractive to the eye.

If there's one thing I've learned about habits, it's that we're far more likely to do something if it's even slightly more convenient or pleasant, and far less likely to do something if it's inconvenient or unpleasant. For that reason, we took enormous care to make the app intuitive and easy to navigate.

Also, I've learned, there's no one magic solution for habit change; we all have to use the approach that works for us. (If you want to hear me explain the best way to change a habit, listen to this two-minute Happier episode here.) So the Happier app is a tool that is highly customizable—it reflects your nature, your aims, your preferences.

As we all know, it's hard to make things easy, and simplicity is complicated. I'm constantly astonished by the ingenuity of the solutions that the team dreams up.

We're still working hard to make the Happier app even better—simpler, richer, more beautiful, and more customizable. Onward!

KC Davis: “You Don’t Have to Care About Yourself to Start Learning to Care for Yourself”

Interview: KC Davis.

KC Davis is a therapist, author, and creator of the mental health platform Struggle Care. She has a new book, How to Keep House While Drowning (Amazon, Bookshop).

I couldn't wait to talk to KC about happiness, habits, and mental health.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

KC: Closing duties! As a busy mom, I found myself collapsing on the couch each night at 7:30pm as soon as the kids were down, and not moving again until I went to bed. This made my mornings stressful because I had to hit the ground running as soon as the babies were up. Yet the idea of cleaning the house after my kids went to bed was daunting because…when do you stop? I felt like I could clean for hours and there would still be more to do. 

Since doing nothing wasn’t functional, and trying to do it all wasn’t possible, I took some inspiration from my waitress days and came up with a short list of “closing duties” to do every night after my kids go to bed. It only takes me about 25 minutes, but I am always shocked how much I can get done in that time. Having a list helps keep me on track and feel accomplished. Every night I unload and reload the dishwasher, clear the island, sweep the kitchen floor, and take out the trash. Voila! Functional space for a calm morning. I often add something to the list that just makes me happy, like making ice coffee or making sure my slippers are by the bed. It’s been a game changer to find a way to be kind to morning-me, while still having my evenings to myself to rest or create. 

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

I have always struggled to stay on top of housework. Laundry, dishes, clutter…it all seems to pile up so quickly and I get too overwhelmed to deal with it. For most of my life I felt embarrassment by this, as if it was some sort of moral failure to not be good at domestic tasks. I would always tell myself that I just needed to try harder – and, in general, I had a lot of critical self-talk around it. 

Today, I have amazing systems in my home that keep it functional, and I don’t feel overwhelmed anymore. The big change was when I started practicing self-compassion. I realized that being messy is not a moral failure. I deserve to be treated with kindness, even when speaking to myself. I started changing my self-talk, and realized that as a woman with ADHD, I may need to think creatively about creating systems in my home that work for me. I gave myself permission to throw out all the rules, and just think about what works for me. 

So now we have a family closet and a no-fold bin system for all of us. And just like that—laundry gets done every week. I bought a dishrack and a second silverware caddy for my dishwasher and set up a “dirty dish station” where I could quickly dump dishes throughout the day, but they stayed organized and out of the sink. Like magic, now my dishes get done every evening. I do my “closing duties” list at night, and I’m kinder to myself. It’s amazing how self-compassion and adaptive routines have completely changed how I function in my home. 

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger? 

I got Rebel! That makes sense as I prefer to be internally motivated, rather than to simply meet expectations. 

Does anything tend to interfere with your ability to keep your healthy habits or your happiness?

My ADHD certainly does. I find that I need to give myself lots of grace and work with my brain, instead of against it. Like most people with ADHD, I benefit from having structure in my life, but I also get easily bored and prefer to always be inspired to action. I’ve learned that trying to stick to a habit through pure self-will doesn’t work for me. Instead, I think of ways to create momentum in my life to push me forward, making it easier to engage in rituals and behaviors that help me. 

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

Whenever I talk about hacks for taking care of yourself or your space, I always have someone say, “but what if I don’t feel I deserve a functional space or self-care?” One motto that I use frequently on my platform is “you don’t have to care about yourself to start learning to care for yourself.” There are three powerful reasons why this statement is so profound. 

First, I think a reason a lot of us get stuck when we struggle with mental health is that we feel like the motivation to care for ourselves must come from thinking you deserve to be cared for. So, we often spend a lot of time trying to figure out how to love ourselves, so that we can care for ourselves. I have found that it’s the opposite. Once we begin the journey of learning to care for ourselves, often liking ourselves flows from that. 

Two, trying to learn to love yourself is an ambiguous goal and we can become absorbed with self by thinking about it all the time. Learning to care for yourself, on the other hand, can be a very practical and actionable journey—one where you do not have to dwell on yourself, but can face outward towards the world. 

And three, the connection between care and admiration isn’t as innate as we assume. We can always make the choice to care for someone that has done nothing to deserve it. We care for our newborns that haven’t done anything, we rescue dogs even when they’ve bitten people or torn up the furniture, and we give to charities even when those receiving have made big mistakes in their lives. So, it often hits people like a ton of bricks when they realize they can just….decide to care for themselves, even though they’re not entirely convinced they deserve it. Heck, most of us agree even murderers have the right to three meals a day—yet how many of us have skipped a meal because we feel we don’t deserve to eat that day?

Has a book ever changed your life – if so, which one and why?

A couple of years ago I read The F*ck It Diet by Caroline Dooner (Amazon, Bookshop), and it had a profound impact on the way I view my body and my diet. It helped kickstart my journey of moral neutrality around food and weight; this idea that there are no good or bad foods and that my weight was not a moral failing or something I had to fix. This inspired my philosophy of moral neutrality when it comes to housework. There is something life-changing about the idea of moral neutrality that makes us kinder to ourselves, and in turn makes it easier to make changes that benefit us. 

In your field, is there a common misconception that you’d like to correct?

One misconception I get is that people believe I am enabling people to be dysfunctional. The truth couldn’t be farther from that. What I am doing is empowering people to care for themselves in a way that makes sense to them and is sustainable. I want people to function, and I find that the best foundation sustainable motivation and skill building is radical self-kindness and self-acceptance.

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For Happiness and Good Habits—More Dates for the Calendar of Catalysts!

I'm a big fan of any reminder to stop to consider what changes could make our lives happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative—whether that prompt comes from the New Year, a birthday, Valentine's Day, a significant anniversary, or official "days" like "Earth Day."

Some people (Questioners!) often object to using a date like January 1, because they consider the date arbitrary. It's true, it is arbitrary—and why wait? Now is always the best time to begin.

External dates can be valuable reminders to reflect. In the tumult of everyday life, it's hard to remember to step back, reflect, and think about what changes we'd like to make.

For that reason, I've been working on a Calendar of Catalysts—a menu of dates to use as reminders to stop,  evaluate, and plan. I want to offer a range of choices, because different dates will appeal to different people.

I added a bunch of dates, then asked people for more suggestions—so have added a few more.

General dates:

March 21—3-2-1 is a great day to "blast off" on a project or undertaking you've been meaning to start

March 25—National Waffle Day is a day to make any decision you're "waffling" about

May 23—May 23 is the 143rd day of the year, which has been declared "1-4-3 Day" in honor of Fred Rogers and is a day for acts of kindness and neighborliness. "Mr. Rogers" used the numbers 1-4-3 to stand as a code for "I love you" (based on the number of letters in each word), and the number also had significance in his personal life—for instance, he weighed 143 pounds for thirty years.

August 8—8/8 is a day to evaluate your eating choices, and consider making healthy changes

November 10—10/10 is a day to celebrate everything that's going right

Ideas? I'm trying to think of a way to use the number "1729"—a Hardy-Ramanujan number or taxi-cab number—but I haven't figured out a way. This could be a day to remember that the curious, engaged mind can find the world to be a fascinating place, and to push ourselves to learn something new.

For personal dates:

A date that might be meaningful is your "." I learned about name days from one of my favorite works of children's literature, Jennie Lindquist's wonderful The Golden Name Day (Amazon, Bookshop). In that novel, Wendy is sad that her non-Swedish name isn't listed in the; these days, however, it looks like you can find many names . I learned that "Gretchen" day is June 10—though more traditionally, as a diminutive of "Margaret," it might be May 23 or January 25. I have options!

I also like the idea of using a date based on your street address to remind you to make repairs, buy necessary supplies, clear clutter, consider a move, or complete delayed household projects. For instance, if I still lived in one of my childhood homes, I could use the date of April 21, because our street address was 421. (This won't work for every address, however.)

If you'd like to hear my sister Elizabeth and me talk about the Calendar of Catalysts on the Happier with Gretchen Rubin podcast, we discuss it in episode 364.

If you'd like to download a free, updated PDF of the Calendar of Catalysts, it's here.

Thanks to the readers and listeners who sent along their suggestions! And keep them coming! Creating the calendar has been such a fun and useful exercise. Also, I'd love to hear if you've found this calendar useful, as a catalyst for making change in your life.

Matt Richtel: “No One Knows What’s Better for Me Than I Do.”

Interview: Matt Richtel

Matt Richtel is a Pulitzer Prize-winning reporter for The New York Times and bestselling author of fiction and non-fiction. His new book about the science of creativity, Inspired: Understanding Creativity: A Journey Through Art, Science, and the Soul (Amazon, Bookshop), hit shelves this week.

I couldn't wait to talk to Matt about happiness, habits, and creativity.

Gretchen: What’s a simple activity or habit that consistently makes you happier, healthier, more productive, or more creative?

Matt: Let your mind wander. I mean, really, really wander. No barriers, no neighborhoods off limits, no judgment. Let it go. It’s a type of permission that is foundational to creativity because this type of free flow that ultimately begets inspirational ideas. [Gretchen: This is what I do during my daily visits to the Met!]

What’s something you know now about happiness that you didn’t know when you were 18 years old?

That no one knows what’s better for me than I do, and I need never subvert my instincts to what feels right for me. To this end, I’ve learned to think very differently about the word “opportunity.” It’s used with an implicit understanding that it offers a chance at something great. That word is like the devil, sly. At this point in my career, in the name of doing what’s right for me, I’ve passed up “opportunities” that would make my parents faint.

You’ve done fascinating research. What has surprised or intrigued you – or your readers – most?

Easy one: the creativity is terrifying. Subconsciously, research shows, people associate it with vomit, toxins and other scary ideas. Why? Creativity means change, even death. Understanding this reality helps unlock creativity and our bias against it.

Have you ever managed to gain a challenging healthy habit – or to break an unhealthy habit? If so, how did you do it?

I gained the ability to say “no.” It took years of work. I did it by help from a therapist, and, candidly, by hitting an emotional rock bottom borne of raw, mindless ambition. In the book, Inspired, I write of a major moment of truth for me: I was living in San Francisco, working for the New York Times and they told me I had to relocate to New York. I flew back and met with a top-level editor. I asked if the Times was happy with my work. Yes, he said. “Well, I’m happy and you’re happy,” I said. “What’s the problem?” He told me this wasn’t about happiness. It was how the company worked. I’d have to be in New York by 10/1/01, or be fired. When that day rolled around, I sat at my desk in San Francisco and waited for the phone to ring. Here I sit. Having had the best 20 years of my life, married with kids, a Pulitzer Prize, another book from the heart.

Would you describe yourself as an Upholder, a Questioner, a Rebel, or an Obliger?

Questioner.

Is there a particular motto or saying that you’ve found very helpful?

I am worthy. But I am no more worthy.

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Do You Need a Jump-Start to Get a Boost of Energy Around a New Habit?

Earlier this year I launched a series of Jump-Starts—collections of tips and tools designed to help you start or restart a habit. Each Jump-Start includes a free 7-day SMS challenge, a downloadable PDF worksheet, products from The Happiness Project Collection, and tips for using the Happier app to support your aim.

I've heard from many listeners and readers about what they're working on, and I've created Jump-Starts to address some of the most popular aims:

Movement—Creating a habit of movement or exercise that you'll stick to.Rest—Finding ways to incorporate rest, or restful activities, into your routine.Inner Calm—Clearing inner clutter to gain mental clarity and focus, and cultivating inner calm.Outer Order—Tips for tackling clutter, and strategies to build habits that keep it clear.Friendship—Strengthening existing friendships and making new connections.Coming soon...Reading!

If you've tried one of the Jump-Starts, I'd love to hear from you. Did it give your habit a boost? Which tools did you find the most helpful? What additional tools would you like to see? What other habits or aims do you want to jump-start?

Looking for Gift Ideas for the Mothers in Your Life? Or For Yourself?

In the United States, Mother’s Day 2022 falls on Sunday, May 8. 

Lately, I've been working on a Calendar of Catalysts that suggests dates we can use as prompts for reflection and action. For many people, a holiday like Mother's Day can be a useful reminder to think about important relationships.

If you’re looking for a gift for a mother in your life—or for yourself—here are a few items that I often give as gifts:

John Derian Sticker Book—A thoughtful listener suggested that I might like this book, and wow, I certainly do! This is the perfect gift for people who love to make things with their hands, or to personalize items. These stickers are very unusual, and quite sophisticated.A Pattern Language—I was so sorry to see that Christopher Alexander, the author of this strange, brilliant book, recently died. This book changed the way I see the world.GloFX Flow Ring—It's hard to describe this item...a kinetic bracelet? Whimsical and fun if you're looking for a playful little gift.

Also, I can't resist mentioning things that I've worked to create:

Memento Keepsake Journal —an easy way to capture memories and organize mementos One-Sentence Journal —for anyone who wants to keep a meaningful record of their lives“Onward & Upward” T-Shirt—perfect for fans of the podcast or books The Happiness Project Mini Posters Coloring Book —a fun and meditative activity for all ages

Also, every year I hear from many people who are giving or receiving one of my books for Mother's Day—most often, it seems, Outer Order, Inner Calm, The Happiness Project, or Happier at Home (of all my books, Happier at Home is my sister Elizabeth's favorite). Which is wonderful!

If you'd like free, personalized, signed bookplates, for yourself or for your gifts, to make the books more special, request them here, and I'll get them to you as quickly as possible. (Feel free to ask for as many as you want, but U.S. and Canada only, sorry—mailing costs.)

Five years ago, in honor of Mother's Day, I wrote about one of my happiest memories of my mother. If you're interested, you can read it here.

Thrilling! The Happier App Was Nominated for Two Webby Awards. Gold Stars If You Vote!

What a thrill and honor! I just found out that the Happier app has been nominated for two—that's right, two—Webby awards, which are awards given for excellence on the internet.

The Happier app is nominated twice in the "Apps and Software" category—for both "Best Visual Design-Function" and also for "Best User Interface."

Not only that, in addition to those awards given by the International Academy of Digital Arts and Sciences, we're also eligible for the "Webby Awards People's Voice," which is voted on by the online public.

Which is where you come in! If you're inclined, I'd be so grateful if you'd take a moment to vote here and here.

Voting is open until Thursday, April 21, at 11:59 p.m. PT. If you have the time and inclination, please vote! And please vote in both categories! It's super quick and easy. Just click here and here.

Huge gold star if you take a second to vote. It really means a lot. And triple gold stars if you vote in both categories!

I'm working with a such a brilliant, imaginative, resourceful, creative team for the Happier app. We launched just a few months ago, and we can't wait to show you what's next for the Happier app as we continue to build.

It has been tremendously exciting to hear from users who are finding the Happier app to be a valuable, personalized tool as they seek to build habits to become happier, healthier, more productive, and more creative.

Thank you, users!

Click here and here to VOTE.

And if reading about the Webby awards made you curious about the Happier app, you can download it here and try it for free.