Deedee Cummings's Blog, page 9

Happily Anticipating the Slow Season

Depending on where you live, winter can be a bleak time. Cold, gray skies, bitter winds… snow… ice. Some places, like Colorado or Vermont, remain active during the winter when everyone is rushing down mountains on skis. But for many of us, winter is just a time of hiding indoors, napping, and eating too many carbs. 

Even though we may not love winter, it is an important time in the cycle of nature and an important time for us. Bears hibernate. Birds and butterflies head to warmer temps and breeding grounds. We should allow ourselves time to rest and be quiet. We are hard on ourselves and think we need to be hustling every waking hour, but this feels so much harder to do when it gets dark at 5 p.m.

It’s also become harder to slow down with 24/7 technology and events that don’t stop even on Sundays, the proverbial “day of rest”.

We have to be very intentional about not staying so busy all the time.

Some people hate that it gets dark early, but one of the neatest things about it is realizing how much more of the evening you have once you note that it is only 6 pm. It feels like a gift. Wow! I have four more hours until bedtime. 

Winter calls us to huddle down, snuggle up, and take it easy, and that is a good, good thing that many of us have forgotten how to do. Sitting still makes a lot of people anxious, so winter is a good time to sit with that uncomfortable feeling until it subsides (and it will with practice). But, it does take practice.

We were not made to bloom 12 months of the year any more than the flowers and the trees. Stop being so hard on yourself because you feel the call to rest.

Taking advantage of the quiet stillness of late December, January, and February helps us better appreciate spring when the Earth comes alive and our energy levels rise right along with the increased sunlight. 

Of course, taking the time to rest doesn’t have to be a time of loneliness. Rather, it can be a time when life quiets down enough so you can carve out more time to be with other people. Maybe you are so busy during other seasons that you don’t visit people you should. Winter may be a great time to do that. Whatever you decide to do, know that it is okay to do what your mind and body are calling you to do. Hold on to that.

The post Happily Anticipating the Slow Season appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Dealing with Holiday (Unmet) Expectations

Similar to vacations, the winter holidays are a time when we set potentially unrealistic expectations for ourselves and our families. When those expectations aren’t met, we become angry, frustrated, and disappointed, which ruins our holiday experience and that of our family and friends who have to deal with our disappointment. 

Did you know that we often undermine ourselves with our own (maybe unrealistic) expectations?

It could be as simple as taking on more shopping than what you can reasonably get done, which means you have to take your kids shopping when they would much rather be at home playing with their toys. When they whine or misbehave because they are tired or bored, you lose your cool. 

Or you hope that everyone will get along at the family holiday party even though you know that your brother and sister-in-law always get into an argument on the way to the party, bringing their frustration in and lashing out at everyone else in attendance. When this happens (again), you become angry and frustrated, adding more tension to the mix. 

The only set of expectations we can control are our own (and even those are sometimes difficult to meet). 

So what to do? 

1–Spend time thinking about what your expectations are and why you have them. Does everyone really have to get along? Does everyone really have to be invited? Do we really have to have the green bean casserole which no one even likes prepared by the same person every year? What are the musts in your life and why are they there?

2–Be sure to communicate your realistic expectations. 

How many times have we fully believed that people should just know the expectations you have in your head? For example, that dinner is always at 4. Don’t assume, say it. Even put it in writing. Another example may be your desire to have your kids dress nicely for a religious service, tell them in advance and let them help pick the outfits. Tell them that this is the only event where you want to have control over their clothing, which makes them more likely to cooperate because they know they will have freedom for other holiday events. You may also want to put this in writing: that at any event they still must wear pants. (Yes, in a perfect world your kids would dress adorably every day of the week, but our world is not perfect.)

3–Set realistic expectations for how you will manage your feelings when/if your expectations aren’t met. 

You may experience disappointment and anger, but those probably aren’t the feelings you want to bring to a religious service or holiday party. So make a plan for how you will deal with any unpleasant feelings you have. Think about it in advance. Step outside and get some fresh air. Bring a book and disappear for 10 minutes to read and calm down. Most importantly, know that for whatever reason holidays and families coming together often is triggering. Sometimes we revert right back to our childhood roles, despite out best efforts. Do a little gameday-ready prep to get in the right mental space. Promise yourself that you will not allow your peace to be disturbed. You can break patterns. You are powerful. And not allowing yourself to be moved off your square is power. Do not give a set of expectations the power. Live in all the beauty that is your reality and appreciate every moment. Even the crazy ones!

The post Dealing with Holiday (Unmet) Expectations appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Make A Way: Staying Grateful all Year

There are a lot of people who love Oscar the Grouch. They love him because he is honest and doesn’t mince words. You always know what you’re gonna get from Oscar. In almost every poll of Sesame Street characters, Oscar is always in the top four. 

But in our real lives we sometimes mistake grouchiness for ungratefulness. We think that the curmudgeons we know aren’t thankful for what they have simply because they aren’t chipper and cheery people. Just because someone wears a smile doesn’t mean they acknowledge or appreciate the good in their lives. 

Gratefulness doesn’t really have anything to do with whether a person is friendly or grouchy, whether they enjoy being around other people, or whether they prefer their own company right inside their very own garbage can. 

In some ways, Oscar the Grouch is the most grateful character because he adores something that other people consider garbage, and yet he is ever so thankful for it. 

Most of us have much more than Oscar and don’t take the time we should to acknowledge all we have.

Having recently celebrated Thanksgiving and now in the busy season of the winter holidays, we might not be focused on all we have to be grateful for. Sometimes the shopping and Christmas lists only bring to mind the things we wish we had, all that our hearts desire. If there is some extremely popular item that our kids want for the holidays, we may be stressing out at the prospect of not being able to get them this toy or gadget. 

So, how can we incorporate more gratitude beyond the November holiday season and in the midst of rampant consumer spending.

Pay attention to the things you use every day, like the glasses on your face or the tap water you turn on over and over. When you notice these things, acknowledge your gratitude for them.Look back at old photos of vacations or family celebrations. Remember these times and the opportunities they presented. Feel grateful. Take time to stretch your body and notice each part, especially the ones that don’t hurt or the ones you don’t even notice you have until they begin to hurt. Give thanks for these.

The post Make A Way: Staying Grateful all Year appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Daring to Dream: The Journey to Making Diverse Books for Children

While Deedee Cummings’ work as a therapist helped her realize the power of books to help kids open up and communicate, she also had the experience of having been a young reader herself. While she loved Nancy Drew books when she was a girl, like most kids, she wanted to read about girls who looked like her and had similar life and family experiences. As a mother to three Black children, Deedee also saw with parent eyes how essential it is to have books be a mirror.

Following the advice of Toni Morrison to write the books you want to read, Deedee began creating children’s books using her background as a therapist and as a mom to get important messages about empathy and kindness to children. That process took time, of course, as writing does.

When her first book was complete, and it came time to publish, Deedee originally wanted to go the traditional publishing route, but she ultimately decided that she wanted to move forward and not wait around for the “system” to get on board. She says,

By the time I made my mind up, my mind was made up.  I really just wanted to move forward and make this work somehow. I did a lot of research on different publishing paths, but it did not slow down my overall goal which was to finally publish my first book in 2014 after years of dreaming about it.

Several years after she began her publishing journey, she determined that she was tired of struggling to find Christmas books featuring Black Santas and Black kids as heroes that her family (or families like hers) could read together during the holidays:

Finding holiday picture books with Black characters (especially one with little brown boys) was always challenging and every year it seemed even harder to find a new title that we didn’t already own. I remember grumbling to myself, ‘Why is it so difficult to keep building this collection? My family loves Christmas too; why can’t we be represented in the books my kids read?’

It was at this point that Deedee created In the Nick of Time, followed several years later with In the Nick of Time, Too. 

Deedee continues to develop ideas that she can translate into books that will resonate with children, but her work as a reading advocate also keeps her busy. She founded The Louisville Book Festival in 2020, which is aimed at making books and reading accessible to all readers. For Deedee, neither project is greater than the other. “Both are important,” Deedee says. “Both keep kids dreaming and that is my whole goal.”

The post Daring to Dream: The Journey to Making Diverse Books for Children appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Thanksgiving Complications

When we think about Thanksgiving, we might have mixed feelings about it. Despite what we might have read in history books when we were kids, relationships between European colonists and Native Americans were not as friendly as we as a country like to believe.

While Wampanoags did reach out to Plymouth settlers, historian David Silverman, of George Washington University, says in a Smithsonian article that this wasn’t the nice and cozy Thanksgiving story most of us were taught. In fact, the alliance between English settlers and the Wampanoags deteriorated so badly, it eventually led to war.

The way we think about the myth of the original Thanksgiving might be similar to the myths we bring to our own family gatherings. We may hope that it is a time for a shared meal without conflict, a time to bask in love and care, when in truth we know that a sister or a brother or a weird uncle will say or do something that sets everyone on edge. We like to cling to myths sometimes because reality is often too much for our minds to process. It’s kind of like denial while in the midst of grief. We just have not, as a community, accepted that the origins of Thanksgiving were not as warm and fuzzy as a Charlie Brown special.

How do we reconcile ourselves to celebrating a holiday that we know for certain has not been portrayed correctly? A “holiday” that is rooted in a myth of peace, that in all actuality, cost Native Americans to lose land, lives, dreams, and freedoms?

One thing we can do is educate ourselves, our families, and our communities to understand more about the Native American experience- especially before European colonists arrived in North America. People had been living on the land for over 10,000 years by the time colonists arrived, and we have evidence of their beautiful communities and achievements. Cahokia Mounds in Missouri and the Newark Earthworks in Ohio are just two of the important areas that show the amazing artistic and mathematical contributions of Native Americans. Be sure that your family knows the truth, not the myth. There is a beautiful diverse children’s book I recommend called Keepunumuk and it is a Thanksgiving story you can find at this link. I also recommend We Are Still Here! which is also for kids and gives some insight into what life for Native Americans has been like.

We can still give thanks, and acknowledge the day of Thanksgiving as a time to be thankful, and a time to express that gratitude to others. The history of our ancestors in this country was ugly and fraught with problems. Our own relationships with family, colleagues, neighbors, and social media contacts can, while not the same, can be filled with issues too. Let’s add a day of reflection on top of the giving thanks part and work towards peace in all the corners of our lives.

The post Thanksgiving Complications appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Black Santas: Why Every Child Needs a Hero

Of course, it’s obvious that children don’t see the world the way adults do. While a parent might think the idea of the Tooth Fairy is whimsical and fun, a child might feel suspicious or downright terrified by the idea of a strange person entering their bedroom and collecting their teeth from under their pillow.

The way a child sees Santa Claus in books, movies, and at shopping centers or holiday parties can also impact them in ways adults might not fully understand or appreciate.

Just as it is important for children to see and read books about characters who look like them, it is also important for children to see all manner of other people in their daily lives who look like them, from teachers to doctors to the mall Santa Claus.

While the Santas we often see in shopping malls look like they spent their lives in Scandinavia, the truth it that the real St. Nick had a darker complexion. Saint Nicholas, Bishop of Myra, was born in the fourth century in Patara, which is now part of Turkey.

In fact, Black Santas have had an important place in US history, including when Bill “Bojangles” Robinson became the first Black Santa in 1936 in Harlem, NY.

Despite this history, it isn’t easy to find Black Santas in children’s picture books. You might be lucky to find 25 books in a search on Amazon, while a similar search of white Santas would show hundreds and hundreds of books.

It is for this reason that author Deedee Cummings wrote and published In the Nick of Time Too. She wanted to add to the small, but growing, collection of books that feature a Black Santa who children of any race and background can love and look up to because Santa is all about giving and love. And those are two values that go beyond the color of one’s skin.

The post Black Santas: Why Every Child Needs a Hero appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Feel Good Stories for the Holidays

The winter holidays are a time when people want to feel cozy and happy. Some people love Hallmark movies and watch every Christmas Hallmark movie that has ever been made. Other folks want to see funny holiday films such as The Santa Claus and Elf. During the pandemic we found our new favorite, feel-good, warm holiday story on Netflix: Jingle Jangle. If you have not seen it, you really should check it out. It is glorious!

Other families, especially those with young children, pull out all of their holiday picture books and reread them over the weeks of December and early January each year. This is one of our personal family traditions, and along with baking cookies, our favorite.

In her companion books In the Nick of Time and In the Nick of Time Too, author Deedee Cummings shares sweet stories about two friends that were inspired by her own son.

In the first book, Nick Saint finds a letter on his drive meant for Saint Nick. When he opens the letter, he discovers an unexpected message that leads him to try to help a family that has a son his same age. Nick learns about poverty, gratitude and service to others. The help he offers has heartwarming results that even please Santa Claus! And the best part: Nick develops a friendship with the boy he helped named Cooper.

The friendship between Nick and Cooper is tested a little in the second book when they have a

discussion about whether Santa is brown. When Santa arrives and he looks like Nick, Cooper learns some important lessons. Santa gently educates both boys that Santa does not care about the color of children’s skin. He only cares about whether they are on the nice list or the naughty list.

“Santa looks like love, and love comes in all shapes, sizes, and colors.” ~Deedee Cummings

Both books are about behaviors that Deedee values as a mom and as a therapist to young people, especially having empathy for others and communicating openly with respect. “Children who do not have these conversations become adults who lack empathy and awareness, two very necessary skills that help make us good humans,” she says.

Both of these best-selling books can be purchased at makeawaymedia.com or on Amazon.

The post Feel Good Stories for the Holidays appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Promoting Accountability in Children

Parents often complain that they have to tell their children the same thing over and over and over and, of course, over again. Although, children do need repetition to be able to learn new things, that doesn’t mean you have to constantly nag them to get things done. If you are tired of feeling like a broken record, try these four tips.

Tip 1: Choose Your Battles

One of the first things you can do to ease parenting stress is to decide is which issues matter most to you. If every issue becomes a BIG issue, you will end up exhausted from fighting with your kids. Eventually your kids will get tired of the constant battles too and start tuning you out.

Instead, decide what the non-negotiables are for your family. Focus on those and give yourself permission to be a bit more flexible on the rest. 

Tip 2: Communicate Clearly

The clearer you are in explaining what you want from your child, the more likely they are to follow through.

For example, if you ask a child to do their chores, does that mean do it right now, do it within the hour, or do it sometime before bed? Define and clearly explain the timeline so that your child knows exactly what to expect. 

Once the timeline or limit is set, do your best to be consistent. If you change your expectations or limits often, your child might start to see them as suggestions instead of expectations. 

Tip 3: Use Logical Consequences

If you are tired of being the bad guy, let natural or logical consequences do some of the work for you.

For example, let’s say your child wants to go play outside in 40 degree weather. You tell the child to wear a coat but he or she proceeds to go out without one. The natural consequence of that action is that he or she will feel cold. 

In that situation, you might have the urge to rush out and give your child a coat. It is our natural instinct to want to protect our children from discomfort but sometimes a little discomfort can be a good teacher. You have to decide when natural consequences are appropriate for your family and how much discomfort your feel comfortable letting your kid experience. 

Tip 4: Model Accountability

I’m a parent too. The last thing I want to do is make you feel bad or guilty with this list. At the same time, the best way to teach accountability is through our own actions. One big way to do this is by admitting and apologizing for our own mistakes.

For example, let’s say you have had a rough day and are beyond exhausted. Your emotional tank is already empty and your kid comes home from school with a bad attitude. Instead of having patience for their drama, you fly off the handle.

You could blame your kid for your reaction or you could give yourself a time out (i.e. a much needed break). When you have both calmed down, apologize to your child for getting so upset and admit the ways you contributed to the conflict.

When children witness their parents’ accountability, they learn how to take responsibility for their own decisions and behaviors in a kind and respectful way. By showing that mistakes are a normal part of life and can be rectified with positive action, parents can help teach their kids that accountability is a strength rather than a source of shame.

Teaching kids to be accountable not only helps them become more independent and self-sufficient, but it also helps build confidence in their abilities. As parents or guardians, these are some of the most valuable gifts we can give our kids.

The post Promoting Accountability in Children appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Letting Kids Be Who They Are

One of the best things about Halloween is that it lets you try on a new identity for a short window of time. You can be a princess, a boxer, president, or an ogre. You can totally change how you look and behave for an evening, be it Halloween night or the Saturday before at a costume party.

It’s funny how great we think this is during the small window of October and Halloween, and how terrible (or at the very least, strange) we think it is when kids attempt to do it any other time of year. 

Children and teens spend years figuring out who they are. At first, they do it within the confines of what their parents tell them- the world their parents have created for them. As they get older and more independent, they begin determining whether the things their parents have instilled in them actually work for the person they are meant to be.

I talk about this concept a lot in the Kayla: A Modern-Day Princess series and also in my Modern-Day K spinoff that will be out soon. Children will grow into who they were destined to be. Not supporting them is kind of like telling a mighty Oak it can only grow to 8-feet tall.

Some children want to experiment with how they look as they are growing up. When they are toddlers and preschoolers, they might want to wear a costume every place they go. As they become teens, they might want to grow their hair long or cut their hair super short or dye their hair a different color. Your child might want to purchase clothing that is completely unlike anything they’ve ever worn before. 

An openness to your child’s changing looks and style is important, not only for their mental health and development but also to ensure your relationship with them stays solid as they grow up. You may not love their hairstyle, but you love them, and if they keep their hair clean, is it worth making hair the topic of an argument? Criticizing every style or clothing choice they make will only harm your relationship with them and their feeling of self-worth.

Does this mean you can’t have certain requirements? Of course not. But maybe instead of blanket rules, there should be discussion, open communication, and an understanding of whatever rules you feel most strongly about such as “no tattoos until you can pay for it” or “no offensive language on clothing”.

It helped my children understand that I very much saw them as a reflection of me and that, in most circumstances the world would too. I need to have some say in how they look when they walk out of my door.

It helped me understand that my kids never intended to be disrespectful to me or my rules. Trying new things is how kids learn. Keep the communication open so you can be as much a part of that process as possible.

Children will find a way to be who they were meant to be. Make sure you are a part of their journey.

The post Letting Kids Be Who They Are appeared first on Make A Way Media.

Daring to Dream: Where Ideas (Like the Louisville Book Festival) Come From

When a person dares to dream, they often find that their dream originates because they are dissatisfied with something in their life. or they witnessed something in someone else’s life that could be improved. Think of all the inventions that have been created because someone saw a need for a new tool or gadget that would make life better. The lightbulb, the cotton gin, traffic lights, and even washers and dryers.

Other people may have a dream that seems to come out of nowhere. An idea just pops into their head and sets them on fire!

The Louisville Book Festival, which is coming up on November 10 and 11th, 2023, was once a dream for founder Deedee Cummings, but its origin resulted from other dreams that she had. Here’s a recent Q & A with author and serial entrepreneur, Deedee Cummings.

Did your various professional dreams just pop into your mind or did you see changes that needed to be made that inspired you?

I was a CPS worker, went to law school at night, and was a single mother. I was fed up with the injustice I saw in Family Court, but by the time I finished Law School, I wanted nothing more to do with Family Court. What I really wanted to do was solve problems, not fight, and being a lawyer demanded a lifestyle of tension and conflict that I did not want to live. I became a therapist because I could still do many of the things that had appealed to me about being a lawyer: problem solving, helping people understand their path, advocating for others, and seeking better alternatives to chaos.But also, something moved in me when I became a mom. I knew immediately that I would have to set an example for my daughter. If I wanted her to follow her dreams, I had to follow mine.When did the dream to write your books come into play?Through my work as a therapist, I started using books with children as part of their therapy. It was a great way to get insight into the way they think. Kids don’t talk the way we do. They are not going to come into your office and layout on a couch and tell everything that is troubling them. But kids will talk about characters in a book which gives you some insight into the way they think. I noticed when the books had characters who looked like my clients or reflected their experiences the children were much more engaged. When I had trouble finding these books, I began writing my own. I really had no idea what an extreme lack of diversity in publishing there was until I started looking for these books. If you have been searching for books for kids you care about who look like you and had no issue finding them you are privileged. 

Did more dreams spring from this?

So many dreams. I used to look back at my career and think it was such a hodgepodge of people, places and things and then one day I looked up and it all made sense. It was like pieces of a puzzle coming together. The entire path- the whole journey. It all lined up. I was meant to be here. I was meant to do this work. This is the power of finding your passion and your purpose.

I founded It Pays to Read to encourage kids to find and read these books- which has been truly lifechanging. And then from that came the  Louisville Book Festival, which is now, unbelievably, entering its fourth year. 

Take time to listen to your heart. Don’t get stuck living your whole life doing what you have to do. Make a way to do some things you want to do. This is where you will find your passion. This is where you will find the reason you were meant to be here. 

The post Daring to Dream: Where Ideas (Like the Louisville Book Festival) Come From appeared first on Make A Way Media.