Raina Ash's Blog: Slowly Taking Over the World

Four firefighters came to my apartment...

The blog title? True story.

And it inspired my next release, Love & Panic.

About two years ago, I started having trouble with panic attacks. I've been prone to bouts of anxiety since I was a kid, but panic attacks were new (thanks pandemic!). And they were happening at night, jolting me about an hour after I fell asleep.

When they first started, most nights I would fall asleep only to suddenly waking in terror with my body and brain screaming, "YOU'RE DYING YOU'RE DYING YOU'RE DYING!"

And I'd say, "I am?? OMG what am I dying from?"

"DOESN'T MATTER! YOU'RE GOING TO STOP BREATHING IN A MOMENT BECAUSE YOU ARE DYING. TOTALLY SERIOUS ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW. SAY YOUR GOODBYES AND PREPARE YOURSELF."

During the following ten to twenty minutes of terror, while I tried to rationalize with myself that I probably wasn't dying (as my brain VERY CLEARLY insisted that I was), my heart would pound and I'd shake and experience a plethora of other unpleasant sensations I'd never wish on anyone.

One night, it lasted too long.

If you don't know about the mechanics of a panic attack, it's essentially an adrenaline dump, so they only last as long as it takes for your body to burn off the adrenaline (about twenty minutes or less). But, they can happen one after the other. As one ends, another can follow, making it feel like one long panic attack that lasts hours.

After experiencing an elevated heart rate for a few hours and the usual "YOU'RE DYING" alarm in my mind, I caved and asked my boyfriend to call 9-1-1.

Four nicely toned and very appealing firefighters clomped into my bedroom.

Now, I've seen firefighters before, and most people agree that firefighters are hot (so it wasn't unexpected), but that didn't stop me from gawking and stumbling over my name even as I was in the throes of panic, glancing at my boyfriend and feeling guilty.

They were all very friendly and spent time monitoring me until my heart was back to normal. When I was embarrassed about calling them and apologized, they even smiled and said they were happy it wasn't something serious.

After they left, and my boyfriend and I got settled in bed, he turned to me with a blank expression. "So...those guys were attractive, huh?"

"What?" I said. "Oh, hah, no. I don't..." Silly me blushed and I may have half-giggled. Why hot firefighters have that effect, who knows, but my boyfriend saw right through me.

He frowned. "It's fine. They were attractive. Maybe there's a story there."

Hmm...a story, huh?

And that's how Love & Panic was born. It's a story about a woman, Natalie, with panic attacks and OCD who has spent the past three years in her apartment afraid to go outside. Yes, there's a hot firefighter she crushes on, but there's also Dean, a grumpy doctor struggling to move on from his broken family.

Dean gets drunk one night and passes out in the snow below Natalie's apartment building. She watches it all through her window. The bus is about to come and if she doesn't get down there in time despite her crippling fear of the outside...

Well, I can't give too much away!

But here's what to expect with Love & Panic:
❤️ A grumpy grump doctor and his sunny sunshine
❤️ Hot firefighters
❤️ Hilarious banter
❤️ Snowball fights
❤️ Slow-burn romance with heat
❤️ Realistic ND character
❤️ Book where the female MC discovers herself
❤️ Themes of healing and forgiveness
❤️ Complex, emotional, and uplifting plot
❤️ Dreamy HEA

Check it out: Love & Panic: A Grumpy Sunshine Slow Burn Romance

I hit the Top 100 in Holiday Fiction!

TLDR: I hit a Top 100 list for the first time. Life is hard sometimes, but you should keep trying.

Dating Mr. Reeves hit the Holiday Fiction bestseller list on Amazon! I've even got screenshots.

This past weekend I was watching with bated breath as it kept teasing me. It would go up to rank 107 then to 140. 115 then 132. Up and down. Up and down. Until I decided I needed to stop checking for my sanity.

I was prepared to write this post with a title like I almost hit a bestseller list! and then I was going to talk about celebrating small victories even when you don't fully accomplish a goal.

Then the book hit! Achievement unlocked! It's my very first visit to a Top 100 list, so I'm excited.

I'm still going to talk about small victories.

I know I'm just words on a screen, an author logo and name behind a book, so it's hard to convey myself as a person with struggles and pains and dreams. Beyond the glamor, I'm a mental health advocate. I always have been, even before I assigned myself the label "advocate."

Mental health is something I've had a rocky relationship with my whole life. Call it my neurology, call it those messages I got as a kid about, "Crying never solves anything." I always had a strong sense that a person shouldn't be made to feel bad about themselves and their emotions, even as others made me feel that way.

I've also suffered a lot of trauma. As a kid. As a teenager. As an adult.

The thing about difficult life situations is that they steal joy. They can make you hopeless and nihilistic.

When I was in the deepest parts of chronic pain, I thought, "Is there a reason for me to get out of bed? Because all I'm going to feel is pain, pain, pain all day."

Or, "If bad things are going to keep happening to me, what does it matter if I try to accomplish anything?"

Through my experiences, I've become a hardcore realist. I don't like sugar-coating life. Because it's hard. Difficult things do happen. Emotions and getting through the day can be a struggle.

That doesn't mean it will always be that way. The difficulties and pain of life make love all the more meaningful and beautiful. Sometimes you climb a mountain only to get knocked off.

But that's okay. Because you can get up and try to climb the mountain again.

Dating Mr. Reeves hitting the Top 100 in Holiday Fiction may not be earth-shattering. I'm certainly not a New York Times Bestselling author who is getting interviewed by Oprah next week (Oprah, if you're out there, call me!). But it's a victory in my world. Because it means I'm making progress when I've spent so many years in limbo.

Why am I going so deep into personal story hour?

Because I'm a person just like any other person. Just like you. If you're in limbo right now or if life is challenging you and you've slipped into that part of your brain that says, "Why even get out of bed today?", I want to remind you that it's okay to be there. It's okay to feel sad or hopeless or any feelings you have right now. You're doing your best, and that's always enough.

The one constant in life is that it's always changing. It'll change for you, too. We all have to focus on our small victories. Find those moments when the sun breaks through the clouds and you can't help but smile as sunlight warms your face.

The sun is always there. Sometimes, it's just harder to see.
Dating Mr. Reeves Trilogy (Books 1-3): A Billionaire CEO Romance