Natalie Wanner's Blog, page 5

Now What? II

I feel like the holidays just kinda snuck up on me. We go away each year now because of the neighbors...2 years ago when the SWAT team was crawling across my cars and lawn was enough for me. I live in suburbia where depression over the holidays almost feels stronger or more pronounced. It only took one Christmas Day of sitting in my basement to really see how awful the holidays can be for others. Last year the SWAT team was back out for someone else a few streets away...no neighborhood is free from this pain regardless of income.

I think in the new year I will start to push my book with marketing and finding as many avenues as possible to sell it. I have booked some signings and many book stores are allowing me to bring my book into their store after the holidays...it's a start! Part of me wants to dive right back into writing and the other part is pushing me back and wanting me to give everything I can right now to my family, and I think that's more than fair.

Now What? I

I'm not rich and famous yet...crazy I know. I spend a lot of my days taking my book into stores wherever I can. I was a little shocked at how easy it is regardless of the size of the store or the name. I've managed to crack into a few small book stores and even some bigger ones like Chapters... it's okay to be surprised, I was too.

It's still a little surreal to me but I imagine it will be for a little while longer. I struggled a lot with my confidence throughout the book, not because of the content but because of my writing skills...or lack of.  I was never good with grammar and to be fair I haven't done much to rectify that. Another issue I have is that I have a small vocabulary...at least I think I do. I still spend time looking up definitions and trying to find the right words to capture what I need to say. It's always been a struggle for me, but for some reason, I just accept it and move through as best I can.

I'm heading back to NYC next month with my daughter, we love when the city is lit up from the twinkling lights, decorations, Christmas Tree and department store windows. I'm hoping I can draw some inspiration from the city I love so I can dive back into creating.

Running...But Not Away XI

I thought I would be screaming my book to the world more. Annoying everyone on every social media platform I could find, but I'm not. Maybe it's just the relief of completing my story and releasing it to the world, I just think it's one of those books that the people who need it will find it and I can carry on with my other book...you must know there is another, there will always be another. A few book stores have agreed to carry my book, one has booked me for a authors signing and slowly I will make my mark and in the meantime I just keep writing...

Book Released!!!

Thank you to all who have followed my blog, I hope you will continue to. Yesterday I published "Crazy On The Inside, A Memoir of Nobody Special". It is available on Amazon and KU and although it is similar to the blog it is also very much different and more detailed in my adventures.

I appreciate all who have helped and supported me, if you decide to get the book then I would like to extend my gratitude and if you decide not to and meet me back here for entires then I appreciate that too.

January will be 5 years since I started this blog...I'll get back to it as soon as a little of the dust settles and I figure out my sites.

Thank you again...much love and appreciation.

Available in paperback and ebook!

https://www.amazon.ca/dp/1701860201

Running...But Not Away X

Final edits arrive tomorrow and then all that's left is formatting before I upload my manuscript onto Amazon. My cover is done and I couldn't be happier. I designed my vision and hired an artist to bring it to life...it's all so unreal. Years before I ever opened my marriage or had my youngest I wrote on a piece of paper that I would call my book "Crazy on the Inside, A Memoir of Nobody Special", always feeling that way because I never fit in but never knowing exactly how I would address it or come to terms with it...and then I changed my life and the pieces all fell into place. It's almost like I was writing the book in reverse.

I've started to research book festivals and trade shows all over the world. I gave up the agent so now it's all up to me to market and sell my story...and it's worth every last breath just to be able to tell my truth rather than their lies.

Running...But Not Away IX

I closed the blinds today. The ones that look at my neighbours house...I closed them. I don't think I ever closed them, always afraid it wold make me a prisoner in my own home I left them open for the others to be uncomfortable and never give an inch. I closed them because leaving them open only hurts both and I don't want to contribute to that any longer. I keep thinking that if I would have prayed and wished for them to do better then I wouldn't be looking at them again...but here they are. I want to forget I ever knew them, I want to forgive all the trauma they caused us and more than that I just want to move on...for everyone to be able to move on.

The wheels of my writing are moving, even if they are grinding. I was asked to be a contributing writer for another woman's book...she's famous. I don't know if they will choose my essay but I was asked to submit one so I wrote one and emailed it last week.

I was back in NY last week and met up with Joseph, it was nice to know we could still laugh together and be friends. He looked good, happy and healthy like he used to be. We had dinner and wandered through the city laughing while remembering all the fun we had over the past few years.

Now I sit and look out my back window waiting on final edits, it's so close to being able to fly...

Running...But Not Away VIII

I've finally pulled up my manuscript and started to delete all of the lies, line by line. In the first 50 pages, I completely red-lined almost every sentence and reconstructed it back into the truth. I guess I'm a bit nervous about changing it back, I wonder if people will care about my story if it's not full of glitz, glam, and sex...or if they would care at all.

It's funny, as I come down the final stretch and take the last corner to publish my book I become hesitant. We all have a story to tell, but does it need to be written or read? I've gone back and forth on this so many times I'm dizzy with worry and doubt, but I don't want to ignore or try and forget all of my hard work. I've said it before, so I'll say it again...I write for me, but you are welcome to read. This is pretty much how I have come to terms with writing my story...this is for me, but I'm happy to share.

Running...But Not Away VII

I've started reading the Chakra Bible as a way to keep the negative energy out and really push through the positive. I feel like I am so sensitive to other people's energy that I tend to take it on and then drown in it like quicksand I can't escape from. If I could learn to not take on other people's emotions and energies then I think I can fully embrace my life and move through it without other's tripping me up. I think there is something to be said for those who channel their energies and know how to block what they don't want. A negative comment, an opinion, a mean word can still destroy me and leave me living in my head for days, losing sleep and feeling sick...that needs to change and I am willing to try anything to get there. Overall I do many positive things in my life from running to volunteering to traveling but still, I know other people can toss a stone into my tires and throw me off track. I can't stop people from doing this so I am trying to take a proactive route by learning to block it, to ignore it and to move on without letting it touch me. I tend to give people too much power over me and my emotions, not intentionally, it just happens and so it's up to me, and only me, to take it back.

If happiness is truly a choice then I have made mine...

Running...But Not Away VI

I'm finding it diffuclt to concentrate on my fitness and enjoy it. I feel sore and discouraged with every mile. Sometimes you have legs for days and others it's a grind...lately it's been a grind. I have to pull myself out of my funk, it's not anxiety, it's just a general feeling of blah that I need to get out from under. I'm at the point where I want to, want to, run but I dont so I choke it down and do it anyway. Runing out the negativity has always been my best defense.

I keep flipping through my manuscript, wondering what to do with it, how I will adjust and what will vanish forever. Whatever I decide I have to be okay with it...today, tomorrow and forever. I need to make the adjustments sooner rather than later and give it weeks to marinate in my mind. I've started to develop different back stories and names for the people who I want to talk about but not necessarily want everyone else to know about. The story is about me and only me...I don't want this to change their lives and only I will know who is who.

I can never go back and write this part of my life so it has to be perfect for me...athough I hope you will all read.

Running...But Not Away V

Getting a book cover done is not as easy as I would have hoped. Now I am shopping a bit, scouring porfolios and talking with more and more designers. I like Carlos and his work is good but I haven't seen him do the style I want and before I dish out over $400 American dollars I want to see at least a loose sketch...but he won't. I've talked to another designer in Kentucky and he has agreed to show me three different ones and if they are on the course or if I feel that he can get my vision then I will sign my contract with him.

A few years comes down to the next few weeks and all I can do to contain my excitment is run it out at the gym. It's weird I've developed a fear of running outside, like it would feel too difficult or scare me. I gotta get over that quick though because I'll need some pavement miles before I get off the bus in Staten Island. I don't feel like I'm getting faster and it might be because I'm not a fan of running winded but I gotta pull up my socks and dig in or I'm looking at another lengthy marathon.