Margaret Robinson Rutherford's Blog, page 37
February 6, 2020
165 SelfWork: The Deep Mourning of Sudden Death: When Time Will Not Stop
Kobe Bryant's family is only one of the many families who have to face an extremely harsh tragedy - the traumatic death of someone they love. There is a difference in this kind of grief because it's traumatic in the most pure sense. One second your world was safe, known and secure. And the next, it was not -- due to an extremely dramatic and out-of-the-ordinary experience that induces grief, disbelief, shock, fear, panic, or terror. There's not anything you can do about the loss. But there is something you can do, as well as things that are definitely not helpful. So we'll talk about it today on SelfWork.
The listener email is from someone who asked how she could ever rid herself of a shame she has carried “from birth.” I didn’t understand so reached out to her for more explanation. Her answer as fascinating to me because after her explanation, it was clear to see that the shame didn’t belong to her at all.
Important Links:
A very moving article on the "seven others on board" as people began writing about their lives, as well as their loved ones whose lives have been shattered.
CNN writer Pat Etheridge's article on how sudden death involves trauma
Definition of trauma by the APA
A wonderful book: “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner
Another helpful read: Toxic Parents
You can hear more about trauma and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
January 30, 2020
164 SelfWork: Coping with the Fear of Depression's Return
I’ve had several people write to me lately and explain that they are just pulling out of a slump or even worse, clinical depression. And they’re scared. Is there a time frame for what’s supposed to happen after a major depression has struck? How do you deal with some of the destructive choices you may have made when you were depressed? We’ll talk today about the factors that are important … and how to work with and manage your insecurity and fear of your depression returning.
There's a lot of hope in new treatments that psychiatrists are prescribing for treatment resistant depression. We’ll touch on two of them -- Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and ketamine infusions -- both now being used to treat recurrent depression, cyclic disorders and recurrent suicidal ideation, and often meeting with good success.
The listener email is from someone who calls herself a “social chameleon," which is the tendency to mimic the behaviors and actions of others while in their presence. Its traditional definition states that this tendency is intentional, but in her case, it seems quite unintentional or even unconscious. It's a fascinating topic and one that I was eager to explore, and it led to a discussion on boundaries.
Important Links:
Symptoms of Major Depression given by The Mayo Clinic.
Quote from The Noonday Demon: At Atlas of Depression. by Andrew Solomon
Johns Hopkins’ website describes the TMS procedure
Harvard article on ketamine infusions
Psychology Today by Dr. Ronald Riggio in which he describes being a social chameleon or being a “high self-monitor”.
Recent article on the “best” books on boundary setting.
You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
January 23, 2020
163 SelfWork: Emotional Growth: An Exercise in Self-Compassion
In today’s SelfWork, we’re going to be talking about how to enrich your emotional life through self-compassion. So many people tell me that they don’t know how to begin to risk feelings that have been suppressed for years.But when you do, you expand the emotions available to you, and enrich your own emotional life. I gave some basics in Episode 102 – so there are other ideas there as well. Today, i offer one simple exercise or visualization for you to try that might open an emotional door for you.
There’s always the caveat when I’m talking about reaching out to deeper feelings.That caveat is that trauma work – risking feeling emotions that are a result of trauma or abuse – often needs to be done with a trauma expert. You can get overwhelmed or even dissociate if by yourself. So please assess the risk carefully.
The listener email is from someone who’s angry that a loved one attempted suicide, although there is also great compassion. She’s confused and afraid she doesn’t have the right to be angry.
Important Links:
Dr. Foojan Zeine (Link to see our interview on YouTube),
Dr. Kristin Neff's book Self-Compassion
You can hear more about emotional growth and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
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January 16, 2020
162 SelfWork: Is Healthy Narcissism Real?
Today we’re talking about the difference between narcissism and healthy narcissism. There are big differences and since the word "narcissistic" is being thrown around so much these days, I thought I’d do my part to keep things clear. I’m quoting three experts -- Dr. Dale Archer, Bob Taibbi, and Dr. Craig Malkin – all who have fascinating takes on the subject. I'd definitely recommend giving the links below a click to read more. You can also listen to three SelfWork episodes on narcissism and how I see it played out: Episode 019 on how to cope with it in a relationship, Episode 122 on its relationship with love addiction, and Episode 127, dealing with two of the main manipulative techniques used -- gaslighting and stonewalling.
The listener email is from a mom who’s overshared with her oldest daughter about her father’s financial issues and now regrets her actions. This kind of what's termed "enmeshment" in families happens often, when one parent or even both pull a child into a pseudo-adult role in relationship with them, without realizing the damage.
Important Links:
Diagnostic criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder.
Dr. Dale Archer's full article on Jody Arias and his book Better Than Normal: How What Makes You Different Can Make You Exceptional
Bob Taibbi's article on healthy narcissism in Psychology Today and his book– Brief Therapy with Couples in Crisis
Dr. Craig Malkin's article in Psychology Today on the more subtle signs of narcissism and his book Rethinking Narcissism
A helpful link on asexuality:
You can hear more about narcissism and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
January 9, 2020
161 SelfWork: How Does Therapy Work?
What happens in therapy that can be helpful? How does it work? These are basic questions that were brought to my attention during my recent interview with Lewis Howes on his podcast The School of Greatness. He and his team bring what they consider “great” ideas and ways of being to his listeners. And I was honored to be there.
If you're interested in listening to his podcast, here it is! You can click here: LewisHowes.com. Upgrade Your Mental Health with Dr. Margaret Rutherford Ep 895.
I was intrigued with some of his questions. I sometimes forget that there are many people who don’t have a concept of what therapy is even like or what it’s purpose is. His questions grounded me in the reality most people have – that they’ve never tried therapy and don’t quite understand it. His questions dealt with shame, common reasons for seeking therapy, how I might define mental illness and are we all mentally ill, and how to recognize depression, especially if you’re a perfectionist or have trouble with denial. I figured if he wanted my answers to these questions, so might you.
Our listener email today is a from therapist who listened to that very interview and had a question about my mention of pseudoseizures – a disorder I did my dissertation on years ago -- as well as any thoughts I had on a case she was presenting.
You can hear more about therapy and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
January 2, 2020
SelfWork 160: The Sexless Marriage. Is There A Way Back?
Welcome to 2020 and more SelfWork!
First, thank you to everyone who’s purchased Perfectly Hidden Depression and left reviews. Those show up on Amazon as a verified purchase and are extremely important offering even more validity. So if you’ve been reading PHD, and when you’re done, two sentences on what you experienced would be extremely gratifying.
Today we’re talking about the lack of sexual intimacy that so many couples are experiencing; in fact, research shows that 15 to 20% of committed relationships or marriages had become rarely if ever sexual. We’ll touch on ten of the most common reasons I've seen; some are probably familiar, some may be painful to hear, but some may surprise you.
The listener email today is from a man who’s befriended someone with chronic abuse in her past (with a diagnosis of C-PTSD) and asked me for advice on how he can help.
Important links:
In the US, the sexual abuse hotline number for the US
Dr. Pat Love's Hot Monogamy
Research study on pornography addiction
HuffPost article on the sexless marriage
You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
December 12, 2019
SelfWork 159: When It's Over -- Healing Rejection and Replacement
Coping with rejection in a relationship, whether it be a friendship or partnership or a marriage, can be very difficult. But to add to the hurt, you can also learn that your ex has moved on quickly -- or perhaps had moved on while still in a relationship with you. And that can lead to a feeling of being replaced. We'll talk about the feelings and thoughts this can create -- and something that can help you move through this grieving process. It's called redefinition or reinterpretation -- and although it takes time to heal, this idea will help you move through feeling rejected into a better and more healthy life.
Our listener email is from someone from Sweden who used the SpeakPipe opportunity to tell me of her interest in perfectly hidden depression or PHD and its potential place with spiritual problems..I give her my thoughts..
You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
December 5, 2019
When Love Isn't the Problem, Apathy Is. The Pain of Living Parallel Lives (SelfWork #158)
I see so many people who are living out their partnerships or marriages passing like ships in the night. And it’s very lonely. You may or may not recognize that apathy has snuck into your relationship, as you go about living parallel lives. Most of these couples are conflict-avoidant and the distance that they feel between them is played out covertly, not openly. But they may look "fine" to the world since there's little to no arguing and most pragmatic things in the relationship are tended to and watched after. We’ll touch on this dynamic and then, of course, "what you can do about it," as I describe a method of trying to reestablish a sense of partnership and trust.
Trigger warning: The listener email for today is from someone who has a compulsion to carry a defensive weapon that could end endangering her job – and asks what she can do about it. If you've had violence or abuse in your history, this discussion may be triggering for you. So please listen with care.
Important Links:
As promised, the early SelfWork episode on the I to I technique and learning the skills of good listening.
You can hear more about relationships and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
November 28, 2019
Emotional Paralysis or When You Fear Change For The Better: SelfWork #157
Depression, anxiety, and emotional paralysis can go hand in hand. But today we're talking today about fear – plain old unadulterated fear. But not fear about uncomfortable or destructive things. We're talking about fear of positive change the keeps you stuck in behaviors that are a problem for you. What are those potential fears? There are five that we'll discuss in this week's episode of The SelfWork Podcast.
A fear of the loss of stability or what's known fear of emotional vulnerability fear of ambiguity or even failure fear of shame that you didn’t change before -- and fear of relationship changeEach one of these fears can prevent you from visualizing yourself being able to change in a direction that feels good and positive to you and can cause a real emotional paralysis. But we'll also talk about what you can do about it and how you can work with these fears.
The listener email is from a woman from South Africa who took advantage of the SpeakPipe experience and left me a message about her struggle to want to be with her family as opposed to her spouse. She wants to know, "Is there something wrong with that?"
Important Links:
A description of family systems theory (centrifugal versus centripetal families) by Dr.W.Robert Beavers
Episode 062 of SelfWork on Enmeshment
You can hear more about the aftermath of abuse and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
November 22, 2019
When You're Not Believed: The Aftermath of Sexual Abuse SelfWork #156
If you've been sexually abused in any way, it changes the way you live your life. You can heal but it takes work and courage. But what if you're abused, you report or tell someone about it and you're not believed? This aftermath of abuse -- this total negation of what happened -- can feel even worse than the initial trauma. That's what we're focusing on today on SelfWork. If you've been abused, listening may trigger you in some way. So please take care. Ask for help if you need it. The hotline numbers for both the UK and the US can be found in the show notes.
The listener email is from a young woman who’s identified with perfectly hidden depression but doesn’t know how to begin to look for a therapist… and how to reveal her hiding.
Important links:
The Indianapolis Star revealed massive exploitation and coverup of sexual abuse in the US Gymnastics program
RAINN's statistics: most rapes never get reported. Other figures are staggering.
Andy Woodward's story as he revealed the details of his abuse.
Study identifying several irrational beliefs about male sexual abuse.
My own article on becoming sexually aroused during the abuse
Studies indicate that 1/3 of abused male children are likely to abuse.
In the UK, The Samaritans can be contacted on 116 123. In the US, the National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-273-8255. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is on 13 11 14. For the RAINN sexual abuse hotline click here.
You can hear more about the aftermath of abuse and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!
My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.
And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!
