Margaret Robinson Rutherford's Blog, page 36

175 SelfWork: How To Avoid Self-Sabotage In Relationships

Do you sabotage relationships that have potential? Are you risk averse? Do you commit too quickly or are you passively going along with the relationship continuing? Today we're talking about several ways you can sabotage a relationship's potential or you can end in a relationship that's simply not healthy. As this podcast is being recorded when so many of us are staying home with family, we’re enjoying the strengths of the relationships we’ve built – but also perhaps bearing up under the brunt of ones that aren’t what we’d hoped they would be. Or you're home alone, wondering why certain relationships "never worked."

The listener email today is one that is very timely – and we’re going to spend a good bit of time on it -- what you’re seeing in your relationships on lockdown. It's from one woman who isn’t able to escape how there’s no sense of partnership or even enjoyment of being together.. and she's therefore lonelier than ever. She wrote me back after this episode was recorded and told me that the podcast on apathy was actually very helpful to her.

Important Links:

Episode 069 on the victim/savior relationship.

Raquel Peel's TED Talk on anticipating failure in relationships

My own podcast on combatting apathy in relationships

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

174 SelfWork: Coping with Paralyzing Anxiety thru Meditation

I’ve never experienced what I did this past week but it's normal considering the current pandemic. The podcast topic was completely elusive to me. There was too much else on my mind. After really struggling to know what to talk about, I wondered if many of you were having a similar struggle. How exactly are we all supposed to focus on the tasks or experiences of the day – and not allow the anxiety from the novel coronavirus to overwhelm us?.So that became the topic - coping with anxiety.

One answer is through beginning to meditate. It doesn't take long and even though you may feel as if you're failing, the practice itself gently begins to help you focus and find more calm. Included below is are links to the best meditation apps of 2020, a graph about the benefits of meditation, and Deepak Chopra's offering of a free mediation workshop.

The listener email was a tough one for me. But I wanted to share it with you. I’d never want anyone to feel the way this listener did – of course I can’t control that, but her response was genuine.

Important Graphic and Links: Huff Post Article on Meditation and site of below graphic

Best Meditation Apps of 2020

Link to Deepak Chopra's free meditation course

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

173 SelfWork: What's New with Perfectly Hidden Depression

Just because I’ve written a book about perfectly hidden depression (PHD)  doesn’t mean that I’m through with learning about it. With each person that I’ve heard from, or has joined my practice because of my writing about PHD, or from the podcast hosts that have been generous enough to have me on, I keep learning. My first podcast (Episode 003) on it was so long ago -- I hadn't even started the book but only had a book proposal done. So we’ll take each of the ten traits of PHD and I’ll let you in on some understanding I've gleaned since writing the book --  kind of “what’s new in perfectly hidden depression."

I'll use several different emails I've received from you from people who've identified with PHD - and try to answer their questions as well.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

172 SelfWork: Special Episode: Managing Quarantine Anxiety - Compassionate and Common Sense Tips

This is a special episode of SelfWork to try and help you handle the anxiety that you may be feeling with the emergence of the Corona-19 virus worldwide. Especially if you're already managing anxiety or depression, or are someone who struggles not to be governed by your emotions, then the fear and grief that this pandemic brings can be very hard to handle. We're all dealing with fear and grief simultaneously, and that's very difficult. We'll talk about three different aspects of anxiety: Handling being at home (whether you're alone or with eight others), managing the fear itself; and managing relationships with others who may not be realizing the impact of their actions on you and/or your children.

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

171 SelfWork: Breaking the Habit of Beating Yourself Up

Today we’re going to cover how to begin to stop beating yourself up in a way that may surprise you a little. Because the behavior can seem as if you’re being extra careful or caring. But the habits of beating yourself up – the ways you maintain or fuel that self-doubt – can lead you further down the rabbit hole of shame and emotional paralysis. So let’s get started on “What can you do about it.’

And the listener email is from someone who was asking if I had time to talk with her individually – I wish I had time to do that! But we’ll talk about options for how to make the most out of at least what I have to offer… and some changes I’ve had to make due to the success (which I owe to you!) of SelfWork

Important Links:

Episode 113 on imposter syndrome

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

170 SelfWork: Resilience, Vulnerability, and Finding Purpose

Today we’re talking about the relationship between resilience and vulnerability and how those two things are an integral part of living a purposeful life. I’ll use some quotes from one of my favorite books – one of those books you read that makes an indelible impression on you. And we’ll touch on what actually creates resilience, which is the ability to bounce back, to remain purposeful even if you get disappointed or you fail at something.

And I ask these questions: Does being resilient mean you can't allow vulnerability? Or if you reveal vulnerability, does that reflect a lack of resilience? Here's my best answer.

Our listener email is from someone who has fallen in love with a man whose son died within the last year. She wants some advice on how to be supportive in this very new but already special relationship.

Important Links:

Article on Dr. Victor Frankl and “logotherapy.”

Psychology Today article by Maureen Healy on developing resilience

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

169 SelfWork: The "New" Evidence On What Makes Therapy Effective

Today we’re going to cover two of the most frequent questions I hear -- how to find a therapist and how you know a therapist is right for you. The title of the episode has “new” in quotes because often what's old is new again, and that's certainly the case here!  We'll go over the seven factors that are found to make therapy the most effective it can be. What are those? Let's start out with the alliance between the therapist and the client. That's #1.

The listener email today is from a young woman who’s in a relationship with someone who seems very depressed – who has had a difficult childhood, is a child of divorce and has been very influenced by a mother who has always seen the world very negatively. Her question is about her actions are seen as intentionally malicious. The listener doesn’t know what to do and is asking for advice, as currently she feels blamed irrationally and viewed through overly distrustful eyes.

Important Links:

Episode 001 SelfWork: What Is Good Therapy

Ratings of the top ten online counseling services.

Recent APA Meta-analysis of Therapeutic Effectiveness:

Seven Demonstrably Effective Factors and Report by Tora DeAngelos

You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

 

168 SelfWork: The What, Why, When, Where and How of Setting Boundaries

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Or there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from an demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied

The listener email offers has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do?

You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

 

 

 

 

167 SelfWork: Is It OCD, GAD, Bipolar, BPD or Perfectly Hidden Depression (PHD)?

There are certain diagnoses that may be co-occurring with perfectly hidden depression (PHD) or could be confused with PHD. And the last thing I want is for anyone to label themselves PHD or identify with PHD and stop there – when instead, you may need to recognize that you're experiencing another type of psychological issue that warrants understanding and even treatment. Those diagnoses are Bipolar II disorder, Obsessive Compulsive disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. We'll talk today about what traits PHD and these other disorders have in common and what makes them distinct from one another.

The listener email for the week comments on my habit of including research and ideas from other people on SelfWork -- and I respond about the "why" of that choice on my part.

Important Links:

The INFJ personality category or the Myers-Briggs

Don't Panic by Reid Wilson

Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson

Bipolar II Disorder Meets criteria for a current or past hypomanic episode And meets criteria for a current or past depressive episode:

A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood and abnormally and persistently increased activity or energy, lasting at least four consecutive days and present most of the day, nearly every day, and including at least three of the following symptoms:

Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity Decreased need for sleep More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking Flight of ideas or subjective experience of racing thoughts Distractibility Increase in goal-directed activity (socially, at work or school, or sexually) or physical agitation. Excessive involvement in activities with high potential for painful consequences (e.g., buying sprees, foolish investments, sexual indiscretions)

Five or more of the following symptoms present during the same two-week period:

Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities Significant unintended weight loss or change in appetite Insomnia or hypersomnia Being physically agitated or listless Fatigue or loss of energy Feelings of worthlessness or excessive/inappropriate guilt Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation, a suicide attempt, or a plan for suicide

 

At least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure.

 

Generalized Anxiety Disorder Excessive anxiety or worry, occurring more days than not for at least six months, about a number of events or activities Difficulty controlling the worry The anxiety or worry is associated with at least three of the following symptoms: Restlessness or feeling on edge Being easily fatigued Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank Irritability Muscle tension Sleep disturbance

 

Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder This disorder is characterized by the presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both. The obsessions or compulsions are time consuming (i.e., take more than one hour per day) or cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

Obsessions:

Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced  as intrusive and unwanted and, in most individuals, cause marked anxiety or distress The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion)

Compulsions:

Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, silently repeating words) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, they are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive

 

Borderline Personality Disorder

BPD is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five or more of the following symptoms:

Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Chronic feelings of emptiness Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms

 

You can hear more about PHD and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!

166 SelfWork: Finding Your Way Back to Love

Valentines can hold as much angst for people as the holiday season. And if you have conflict or estrangement or alienation within your relationship, then that pain can become more distinct. Today we’re going to focus on what can cause these kinds of problems. But as usual, we’re also focusing on “what you can do about it.” I’ll use a couples therapy case from my own practice that shows that even though a problem may seem insurmountable, and like the relationship is over, there are four attitudes and actions that can help you find your way back to each other – and even to love.

Our listener email today is a very poignant one from a young man whose relationship with his mom was rocky due to her being abusive. But now she’s died of a second bout with cancer. And he finds himself pushing away others who love him, except for his two year-old child. He wants to understand his actions, and I’ll do my best to answer his question.

Important Links:

Podcast on handling narcissism in relationships

Podcast on loving someone with borderline personality disorder

You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome!

My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life.

And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!