Emje McCarty's Blog, page 14

monster & me

mixed media on canvas $200

if you are wondering how i am, you are not alone. i am also wondering how i am…or maybe i am alone. i have been spending a lot of time communing with the part of myself i call “monster.” i have come to realize that i need monster. maybe not monster in her full glory, but at least bits & tastes here and there throughout my life. for instance, a little monster in me helps me navigate confrontation without throwing up or having a heart attack. sometimes monster alienates me, but she usually has my back as well…and i desperately need someone to have my back.

this might sound strange, but after a lifetime of wishing i was nicer…i no longer have any interest in being nice. nice has done fuck for me. nice gets me in relationships with narcissists. nice gets me listening to neighbors wonk on about the welfare state and communism. nice gets me taken advantage of and treated like garbage. nice gets me the backseat.

monster doesn’t do nice. that’s why i like her. sometimes she shocks me and makes me wonder if there is a place in hell being kept warm for me…but other times she liberates me with her box of matches ready to burn those bridges.

i like monster. she can be a royal cunt; however, she shoots from the hip, pulling no punches, and i need more of that.

daily doodles

i’ve been trying to keep my mind & hand busy with drawing while i navigate this depression. i have had an epiphany or two. a lot of deep thoughts about who i am & what i stand for & how all that manages to trip me up & knock me down.
along those lines, my 15 year old is not talking to me because he wants to get internet & i am unwilling to compromise my beliefs to agree to said internet. here is a sketch of him as he begrudgingly watched a tv show with me last night, snapping his gum the entire time.

what i’m working on now…

i have been feeling empty for days…trying to figure out why…trying to find a bottom to my sorrow and rage….
i have the core belief that i am unlovable. it has affected most of my relationships with people and with pets. i can’t let anyone love me, and if they threaten to, i turn into a monster. this has been a struggle with motherhood as well. the couple of times i have let myself love & be loved (by anyone other than my kids) ended tragically. once a dog. once a man. now my heart is ice and no matter what i do to try to thaw it, it just freezes itself tighter shut.

i honestly believe i will be alone for the rest of this life because the only person i know how to love does not love me still.

and this unlovableness oozes over into my art & writing career somehow making me unmarketable? or maybe it’s just that i don’t know how to sell someone i don’t believe in….

and social media is a wash. social media is a lifeboat with a hole in it for a person like me.

here is the only place i haven’t felt like a complete pariah. where i even feel like i might have found some other misfit toys. so, thank you for that.

two minute neurotic comics

speaking of co-dependency, i am quitting instagram….again. here is my social media suicide note as posted until i can actually deactivate my account:

goodbye cruel instagram.
this is probably dramatic attention seeking behavior, but fuck it; i can be dramatic & attention seeking if i want to be. as a child i was taught that i should not show emotion or seek attention (don’t cry; don’t be angry; calm down; smile!) society loves to re-enforce that ideal. yet i live in opposition to that ideal. i am emotion. everything about me is a vomiting of emotion. so. yeah. i do not fit in most boxes, but i especially do not belong on social media where i am too stupid & too easily hurt by the void. however, i have to wait until the weekend to disable my account (ig only lets you disable it once a week.) so, last chance, if you are interested in my comics & randomness or just want to know what i’m up to, follow me on my wordpress website: emjemccarty.com.

what do you want to bet no one actually reads it?
(update: someone did read it! thanks, chris! it’s nice to be proven wrong)

at least i have my pen & journal to keep me warm.

saint nobody page nine

one day, years ago, when i was doing my self-portraits & terrible poems every day, i found myself alone & screaming. i begged the universe to tell me why my mother hated me for surely if she had not hated me i would not have this terrible pain in my heart….

i meditated. i went to a witchy store & had energy work done. then, driving home, i could feel the crown heavy on my head.

and with that i “remembered” another life. one where my mother was my sister.

i don’t know if this happened to one of me or not, but i feel very close to this story. some of it showed up in my self-portrait series. but i have been trying to figure out another way to tell it.

i am hoping that this chaotic comic that i call “saint nobody” can help me tell these stories and exorcise some more of my demons.

feral updates

i have been feeling low. i know i could do yoga & hike…just even spend some time outside & alleviate the pain in my soul…but somehow i don’t want to. i don’t want to feel better. i mean, i DO want to feel better, but i want to feel better in a way that is more forever, not just a flirting day or two of not wanting to jump off a bridge…. i have begun to wonder if i need to go deeper. go down to come up? i keep imagining diving into water & just going down until i find the fucking bottom of this mess that is my broken heart.

then maybe i could heal?

i wonder how to do that exactly. i feel like i have explored some pretty fucking deep & dark crevices of me. what more do i have to drag to the surface so the sunshine can cleanse it?

speaking of sunshine, i thought it was the cloudy winter days doing me in, but now it has been several days of sunshine, and that is almost worse. i can’t wait for the sun to set so the night can give me relief from my dwelling on all my failings….

right now, all i have is my art & my writings.

they are my tools.

they will help me dig my way down…& hopefully back up again.

got me a rabbit habit….

so in my quest to be the best urban homesteader i can be…i adopted my first two angoras. they are french angoras re-homed from a waldorf school. their names are thistle & twilight. twilight? i had a rabbit named twilight when i was a child….
so it’s kismit, right?
plus, i think i missed my calling as a shepherd. i’m not really a dog person & am definitely not a cat person, but i can hang out with livestock & just feel this…well, bliss.

in regenerative agriculture & forest farming…in ecology, animals are part of a healthy ecosystem. i have wild bunnies, squirrels, birds, deer, and a variety of bugs, but i felt i needed something more intentional. i live in a village so livestock (other than 2 chickens??) is a no go. but! rabbits are generally considered pets, not livestock.
so what can i do with rabbits other than let them nibble my lawn & collect their manure for my garden?
when i was a child i raised rabbits for meat. it was not my idea. it was my dad’s brainchild; however, i was the one responsible for feeding, watering, cleaning, mating, and caring for over 100 rabbits.
our catholic priest was the one who did the butchering.
so
you can imagine i was not in a hurry to raise meat rabbits.
but fiber rabbits!
fluffy furry creatures who are covered in harvestable wool–without harming the bunny?
so here i am with a rabbit habit.
but some may argue i have always had a rabbit habit….

daily doodles

a natural hairstyle? i wanted to doodle a sort of nature character…this is what happened. i like it. i might experiment more with it.

i am not a cat person, but cats are fun to draw. i have been chasing the neighbor’s cat a lot. i know it is in my yard when the sparrows & squirrels start complaining. as i am adding some bunnies to my yard, i am especially pissy towards that cat & my own cats for the extra issues to consider when my bunnies are both in the house & out of it.
i dream of a cat-free world….

confusion perfume…road less traveled

confusion perfume…invasive