Ginger M. Sullivan's Blog, page 8

Growing a Larger One

You are filling your car with gas. Something you probably do many times a month, unless you are lucky enough to live in New Jersey where they still pump gasoline for you. You space out, watching the numbers climb too high too fast. Or, perhaps, you make googly eyes at the attractive person at pump #3. Or, if you are like me, you use the moment to shovel out a week’s worth of breakfast leftovers and empty water bottles that have collected on the passenger side floor. Then, suddenly, you are awakened from your reverie with that familiar, “click.” Your tank is now topped. You are again ready for action.

Like our automobiles, I am drawn to the idea that each one of us operates from a full-tank, rather than a half-empty tank with all kind of room for “potential.” We are all filled to the brim with our capacity in that moment. A non-filled tank can imply inadequacy or less-than, incurring judgment and scorn. I prefer compassion. That we are working with what we have learned, obtained and had modeled. We are doing the best we can at any given point in time.

So, rather than fill up our empty tanks, we can replace them with larger ones. Psychological, emotional and relational growth means that we expand our capacity to hold, do, go, feel and be more. We obtain a greater tank. Our internal room amplifies which allows our persons to extend. We then have a full tank in greater volume which gives us the capacity for more. More living. More loving. More giving. More impacting. More feeling. More intimacy. More reach. More risk. More …

So, show some compassion. We are all living to the best of our ability. And, when you are ready, there are larger tanks available. There is one waiting for you if you are interested. I hope it does. A capacity that holds more before that “click.”

For the rise of your life …

The post Growing a Larger One appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

What’s on Your Mind Today?

“What’s on your mind today?” I casually asked the patient, as I do many times throughout my day.

“That’s a hard one,” he said, not-so-casually back.

I wholeheartedly agreed.

First, you must rid yourself of external distraction such as screens, work stress, the fight you had with your wife this morning, political tweets, etc.

Then, you must turn inward and catch yourself. Do that scan of your body, mind and heart to assess what is going on inside. That’s, of course, if you even want to find out which you might not or might be too afraid to know.

Then, you must decipher your internal contents enough to find words to describe them with at least enough accuracy and clarity to be understood by the listener. Many of us are still at that pre-verbal stage of grunts and looks.

Then, you must decide if can muster the courage to be vulnerable and risk saying those words out loud.

Then, you must tolerate that inevitable unbearable pause. How will the listener respond? What will she think of me now?

Yep. That’s a lot of work one needs to do to meaningfully answer the question, “What’s on your mind today?”

And, we must do it anyway. That’s if we want to be alive as a human being. If we want relationships of depth and substance. If we take the one and only opportunity we have to become our highest, best self.

“What’s on your mind today?” I ask you.

For the rise of your life …

The post What’s on Your Mind Today? appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

What are you avoiding?

What are you avoiding?

Before my father died, we had a running joke.

“Don’t be a wimp!” he’d write in his barely-legible handwriting, when writing letters was still a thing. The reminder back and forth between us was unnecessary. He knew he had raised me to be just like him. Bold and willing. One of the stupid “I’ll go first” kinda-kids.

Take the plunge.

What are you waiting for?

For others’ approval? Fuck that.

For fear to let up? Ain’t gonna happen.

To avoid criticism? That’s inevitable and probably more jealousy than anything else.

To be perfect? Get over yourself. 80% is perfect.

Spoiler alert: you can’t take the couch with you. So, get your butt off it and go make your life. You can’t win if you don’t enter.

Don’t be a wimp.

For the rise of your life …

The post What are you avoiding? appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Life in a Bag

She must have seen my fidgeting. I didn’t even have to ask. She reached into her large, shiny white patent-leather purse and pulled out a box of brand-new crayons and a full-sized coloring book. My young self was instantly rescued from the boring Sunday morning Southern Baptist rhetoric. Grandma Ruth and the contents of her purse saved my day. And, I was not the only one grateful for her over-sized pocketbook. Leftovers at a restaurant? Tinfoil instantly appeared from the bowels of her bag. Uneaten food became dinner for either her and my grandfather or their already overweight Dalmatian, Dolly. My Grandma Ruth was prepared.

I guess it’s no secret why I, too, carry a store on my shoulder. I don’t understand why there is even a market for those small, petite, fashionable purses. Who uses them with any real-world sense? Big purses are the only way to go. You need something, I got it. An ever-present five-and-dime, right here, on my person.

Splenda, Tums, highlighters in multiple colors. Lipstick, Chapstick, nail clippers, dental floss. Emery boards and paper. Crumpled tissues that look used but truly aren’t. Lunch from last week. Mold from last month. Chewing gum. Advil for my head and Alleve for back. Frequent buyer cards from every store in the Washington DC Metro area. Receipts for my taxes. Old movie tickets. Coins – some of which aren’t in US Currency. Expired coupons. A spare set of keys.

Anything you might need – or want – here in my purse/luggage. Portable, available, ready to go. Just in case. Always, just in case.

Because, what if I need something and I don’t have it? After all, I don’t live in – or travel much – to the bush. There is a red-signed CVS on every freakin’ corner. Little chance that I will be stranded with no way out. But, oh no. Gotta have it. Right here in my gigantic purse. Just in case.

My kids won’t even go in it. They fear that they won’t come out.

“Mom, do you have any (fill in the blank)?

“Of course, Honey. Right there in my purse.”

Their familiar face of horror stares back at me. “Never mind,” they sigh.

My experienced children know that it’s much better to do without then to risk permanent damage to their hand and fingers. Besides, it would take hours to find it. Amazon Prime would be faster.

I guess I inherited more than my grandmother’s love for large totes. Underneath our desire to have what we need when we need it lurks ever-present anxiety. That beast must be genetic. If I have everything I might need in my colossal bag, not only do I not have to suffer without, I don’t have to ask for help. I can meet my own needs, thank you. I can avoid any sense of powerlessness, limitation or vulnerability. I can pretend that I don’t need others.

But, fierce independence is a heavy load to lug. And yet, somehow, it seems worth the weight to avoid the fear of needing something and not being able to get it. Better to be a bag lady than to risk having to ask and still coming up empty-handed. Such multiplication of pain seems unbearable.

So, I foolishly choose to hurt my back and shoulder than to force the lightening of my load and thus, add a different baggage – the ensuing inevitable anxiety. Besides, changing to a smaller purse would entail distinguishing between essentials and unnecessary extra. Better to carry it all than to face that harrowing process.

When my daughter was young, one of our favorite books to read together was “The Big Green Pocketbook.” The story is about a mom and her daughter who spend a day in the city. Everywhere they stop, the little girl puts a symbolic trinket from her adventures in her big lady-sized green purse. A bus ticket, a lollipop, a key chain, a sack of gumdrops. Eventually, she loses her purse. When her mom offers to replace the purse with a straw one, the wise little girl exclaims, “I want my big green pocketbook. My whole morning is in my big green pocketbook, and now it is lost.”

Like that little girl in the story, I fear that if I lost my jumbo-sized purse, my life would go with it. The finder would surely be disappointed at the seeming junk. But, I carry it as treasure. My knickknacks, my comforting self-reliance and the memories of my grandmother – all stuffed in zippered side-pockets, ready and available whenever my heart tugs. Just in case.

The post Life in a Bag appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

The Set-Up

It’s largely about the set-up.

Do not go into a difficult conversation with your partner without establishing a solid frame. This gives you the best chance to be heard and for the exchange to go well.

1. Ask if this is a good time. You don’t want to attempt an important dialogue when one of you is tired, rushed, pre-occupied or not sober. 

2. Remember the goal: To understand, if you are the listener. To make yourself understood, if you are the talker. This is not a battle for who is right and who is wrong.

3. Recall “Help Me Help You” which enables a Win/Win. In other words, if I give to my partner, I give to the relationship, which in turn, helps me. Everyone wins.

4. Each partner needs to check his/her boundaries. The listening partner needs to pull up the protective boundary (this is mostly about my partner, not about me). The talking partner needs to solidify the containing boundary (no attacking or disrespect).

5. The listening partner needs to remember love and generosity. How can I help my loved partner who is currently in distress?

6. Own your part. “Yes, Honey, you are right. I did …” These words are miracle grow on your suffering connection.

7. Validate. Knowing what you know about your partner and his/her story, how does your partner’s pain make sense to you?

8. Empathize. How do you imagine your partner feels?

9. Invite and request rather than complain and “go victim.” “In the future, my request is …”

10. Give what you can without over-promising or laying the ground for later resentment.

11. Talker, be grateful for the response you get.

Try it. Even if you fumble and get it wrong, it will probably be better for all parties, and mostly, the relationship than whatever mess you are making or cold-war you are starting now.

It’s largely about the set-up.

For the rise of your life …

The post The Set-Up appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Warm Regard

Are you busy trying to prove your worth to someone? Are you anxiously working to try to make someone love you? Are you calculating all the reasons why someone should see you as a good person?

I hate to rain on your parade (not really), but you are putting your precious life energy in the wrong place.

Do a U-turn. Because, it is you that needs convincing, not someone else. You are the one that has not bought into your worth, value, goodness and lovability. You are the one that needs to shore-up your internal core of being enough and mattering – despite what image someone else might need to have of you.

Yes, sometimes we need to consider our blind spots that others might see more than we do. And yes, we do need others to validate our beauty so that we can begin to take it in and heal our shame. But, learning to hold yourself in warm regard – that is where we need to get busy.

Capeesh?

For the rise of your life …

The post Warm Regard appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

To Confront… or Not?

In the unfolding of psychological story, there is an intersection I have been to many times with patients … do I, now as an adult, confront the one that hurt me as a child? Do I dare break the code of silence and say aloud what happened?

This dilemma is complex and never a one-size-fits-all. Rather, there are many factors to consider when deciding when and if to tell your remembered truth as a powerless youngster to your adult abuser:

First, be clear about your goal. What are you hoping to accomplish? Is this realistic? Will the person likely hear you and be remorseful? Can the person take ownership of his/her actions and desire growth and healing? (If so, they probably would have approached you about the events long ago.) Remember, you are doing this primarily as an act of love and healing for you and maybe for the relationship, but not for them as a gift or towards them as a punishment. Take off your social worker hat and your priestly robes. This one is for you.

Second, do you want a relationship with him or her? And if so, what kind of relationship? Is this even possible? The depth and type of relational possibilities run the gamut. Because you thankfully no longer a helpless child, you have options as to whom and how you relate to others. Whether you tell your abuser the truth or not, you now have the choice to have a relationship with them or not and to decide how much and how often (i.e., trust and boundaries). Sometimes, telling the truth is spoken through solid boundaries and limitation of access. Sometimes, telling the truth with words destroys a relationship (are you prepared for that?). And sometimes, telling the truth allows a relationship to grow closer. Know what you want and carefully assess likelihood.

Third, be certain that you can accomplish this goal without depending on him or her to have a certain reaction. In other words, let go of outcome. Speak your truth. Put it on the table. Whatever/however he or she reacts, your peace of mind is now in the open, words spilled into the Universe. That might be all you get. And, that will have to be enough. At least, from them. At least, for now.

Third, if confronting your abuser is likely to draw more abuse (i.e., he or she has not grown an ounce emotionally or relationally in the past three decades), think twice before initiating a truth-telling conversation. Do yourself a favor and don’t poke the bear. He or she is not worth your heartfelt truth. They can’t handle it and you are better off taking it elsewhere where you will be heard and received.

Fourth, stay empowered. Such life-altering conversations are not a one-shot deal. They can unfold and shift with time. Minds change. Feelings regulate. People can evolve. Keep yourself protected with solid boundaries yet leave a crack in the door if holding space for future engagement interests you.

Lastly, in determining the best course of action for yourself, know that true healing lies within you, not between you and your abuser. It’s what you do with your pain and the leftover marks of the trauma inside you that is critical to your securing satisfying life and love. Healing does require words, but you don’t have to talk to the source of your pain. For some, this direct contact feels essential. If that is you, go for it. But do so with eyes wide, full preparation and a back-up plan in place. For others, the real gift of adult empowerment is that a return to the scene of the crime is optional. For once, we can stand up and shout, “No, thank you.”

For the rise of your life …

The post To Confront… or Not? appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Becoming Mindful

Psychoanalysis makes a happy marriage with Buddhism in that both encourage the practice of mindfulness. What is mindfulness?

Mindfulness (noun): the quality or state of being conscious or aware of something. a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.

In other words, be here now. Not in the past, not in the future. But, right here, right now.

So, what do we do right here, right now?

We notice. We become aware. We observe without judgment or the need to change.

How do we do that?

Through our senses.

What are you thinking right now?

What are you seeing?

What are you smelling?

What are you tasting?

What are you touching?

What are you hearing?

What are you feeling?

As we settle into all that this moment has to offer, we open ourselves to life’s fullness. We won’t miss one iota. Because a reflective life beats the alternative – that of being a walking corpse, moving through time consumed and therefore, absent.

So, put down your phone. Take a deep breath and check in with your insides. This very moment might be the one where you get to meet you. How fucking exciting is that?

The post Becoming Mindful appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Joining an Emotional Gym

Turn on the air conditioning.

Are we done yet?

I can’t go there today.

This work is exhausting. Sounds like comments overheard at the gym. Sweat dripping, tormented faces, exhausted bodies. Yet, it’s the same scene in my office – I am running an emotional gym. Getting folks in shape to not only handle life, but to kill it.

“What’s my diagnosis?” I was asked that question for the umpteenth time the other day.

“You are a human being. That’s your diagnosis.”

The patient looked both relieved and perplexed, as if there should be some shame in having a psychotherapist in their life. But, I am not about the mentally ill. I am about the mentally well. Because, most of us spend at least twelve years preparing our thinking function to be an adult. Algebra, Biology, English, History. All subjects that are helpful when it comes to earning a paycheck and carrying on an intellectual conversation. But, where do we learn how to attune to our inner emotional world? And what the hell do we do with our wants, needs and feelings when it comes to navigating an intimate relationship? Not only do most of us have no clue, but we must unlearn whatever dysfunction was modeled for us when we were young and new in this journey of life.

Face it … we all need an emotional gym. A set place and time to strengthen the muscles of the heart. An opportunity to take risks, try new things, discover unchartered territory in the land of feelings and relationships.

Do you have that? If not, chances are that you are walking around with just your head, cut off from the rest of your body. You might be interesting, but you are probably lonely, disconnected and less available to all that life wants to throw your way.

So, get out of your head and get your ass to the gym. A little sweat and discomfort will do you some good toward making you a more balanced human being.

For the rise of your life …

The post Joining an Emotional Gym appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Sobering Suicide

We lost another yesterday. To suicide, that is. Her stores and handbags have now outlived her. Because, for some hidden and unknown reason, she decided to no longer play.

Sometimes, we hear tragedy in the news, and it stings temporarily and then quickly fades. And sometimes, it lingers. Kate Spade’s suicide is sticking with me. I have never even owned one of her polished purses, yet my heart breaks for her, her husband and her daughter.

Suicide discombobulates by stopping the life force in its tracks. Something inside revolts, as if to scream, “it just should not be so.” Yet, when someone decides to take one’s own life, it is a fresh and acute reminder of life’s uncertainty. That sometimes, pain can be so big and so deep that hope is nowhere in sight. Nothing can be done to either know another’s internal abyss or aid the sustenance of its agony until relief shows up. This reality is terrifying.

So, go gently. Be kind to those that share your space in the world. You can never really tell from the outside the composition of the inner life of another. Better to lead with compassion because there is always more than meets the eye.

The post Sobering Suicide appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.