Ginger M. Sullivan's Blog, page 5

Never Easy — But Worth It

As my journey as a psychotherapist took me more and more into the relationship world, I simultaneously became more of a geek. I have embraced my inner scientist.

Show me the data. Collect it over time. Look for patterns, systems, trends that will give both encouragement to the process and prediction for success.

You, my friends, need to do the same. Because committed partnerships are marathons. Some days you are gliding downhill, wondering why everyone warned you about love’s demands. Other days, you are crawling up Heartbreak Hill, asking yourself why you even entered the race.

Love is not supposed to be easy. It’s supposed to be worth it.

But, evaluate the worth-it part with data over time. Because, moments fool. They can trick you into making stupid choices. But consistent information collected over time can give you the mean – does the benefit outweigh the cost? Is the investment of my heart, soul, time and energy panning out as a good one?

Take the long view but be wise. Geek it out for facts, not just feelings. Your heart will thank you.

For the rise of your life …

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Grabbing the Moment

I knew it was a bit dangerous and hence, stupid. Setting an alarm on vacation. Heading to the mountain solo at daybreak. They do warn you in full font size – “You are entering a natural habitat for large wildlife – bears, elk and moose. Carry bear spray.”

Of course, I had no bear spray. Just a thermos, a breakfast snack, a useless no service cell phone and my stubborn will to master a Teton.



Admittedly, I was a bit scared, more so as the woods thickened, and the trail narrowed. Civilization grew further and further away.

What would I do if I ran into a black or brown bear? Back away slowly? Throw him my protein bar, praying that almonds and cranberries would be more appetizing than my left arm? Climb a tree? Run? Yell a few futile fucks? Scan five decades for last minute regrets and glorious moments of mighty living?

As I considered my options, my body became more anxious. I really should have bought the $5.99 can of bear spray. My odds of survival would have increased and certainly, I could be enjoying the view rather than fearing for my life. They did warn me. In large sized fonts.

As I walked on, bypassing the wildflowers and the picturesque views in favor of my fear, I came across a largess animal.

Instinctly, I whispered to no one (thank God I did not scream), “Holy fuck!”

My body immediately relaxed with relief. It wasn’t a bear. It was a moose.

I pulled out my phone to take pictures of the seemingly gentle animal. She stood there posed, I like I was at some petting zoo in the park.

I continued to walk, slowly. As the trail switched-back, I got even closer to my large frozen companion in the woods. Now overly-confidant, I snapped away with my iPhone. Just a walk in the woods. Me and my harmless friend, the moose. What was I so afraid of? Nature loves me. And, I got a cool story with pictures to go with it.

“You saw what?” exclaimed my family after I excitedly told them of my adventures with my buddy, the moose.

“That’s the most dangerous animal in the woods.”

“Oh,” my naivete of the natural world not countered by my backwoods southern upbringing.

My happy moment was now painted with peril. That moose was not my friend. Rather, I was her enemy.

But she let me go this time. She entertained my hubris, as if she’d done this before. Stupid tourist here in my woods. I’ll be her Rockstar. Snap those pictures. Post them on Facebook. My brush with danger, hers with fame.

My partner suggested I hike again this morning. I politely declined. Now that I know that my pretend friend the moose was well, pretend, I figured I pushed my luck. I’ll choose to head back East with limbs intact.

Besides, some moments in life, sadly, cannot be repeated. The second time around never seems to match the first. So, we best grab moments when they arise. Stupidity and iPhones always optional.

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Practicing Relationships

Do you ever wish you could practice relationships?

Try new things where the stakes are low.

Make mistakes, learn, come back again, make more mistakes and learn more.

Stretch your comfort zone.

Take in love, spit it out and be loved again anyway.

Take a risk.

Learn to go deeper – whatever that even means or looks like.

Say good-bye with meaningful words rather than the typical avoidance or delay (“Let’s keep in touch” platitudes).

Be tolerated with all your madness.

Be held in your pain.

Be celebrated in your joy.

Master a new relational tool before taking it for a spin in the real world where it counts for more.

You can.

It’s called group therapy.

Same people. Same hour. Every week. Practicing relationship. Growing each other up.

Tell me your questions or ask me for resources in your area.

Why?

Because I got your back. I would not want to deprive you from the magic.

For the rise of your life …

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Yours to Keep

“But, can I lose my gains?” sayeth multiple patients over my years as a psychotherapist.

No, you can’t. You can’t unlearn what you know. You can’t turn off the lights to a dark room once you’ve found the switch. Growth is permanent.

Now, can you distract, deny, minimize, regress and resist? Of course. But, some part of you will know what you are up to. You will have an inkling of truth somewhere inside.

You can also relapse. Brain neurology is difficult to change and inertia and laziness will send that neuron down the well-worn, familiar path. But again, the new knowledgeable part of you can catch yourself. Do a U-turn. Make amends. And, choose intentionally to do better next time.

So, rest assured that your hard-earned psychological growth is yours to keep.

Now, what to do with it? That is the real question.

For the rise of your life …

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Accountability

Who are you at your relational worst?

A crazed lunatic? An ice queen? A critical tongue-lasher? Shiny Teflon? An Olympic runner?

In other words, what is your favorite adaptive behavior that you learned early and use adeptly and automatically?

If you don’t know, ask your partner. She or he surely knows. They have been on the receiving end of your injurious behavior too many times.

What I find most interesting in my work is that as much as our partner wants us to grow-up and become relationally savvy, we also want that for ourselves – at least the adult part of us does. No one enjoys our displays of regressed immaturity, even us.

Sure, it feels good in the moment. Drowning myself in Tequila, throwing shit against the wall or calling my partner for life a colorful name can be very satisfying to our inner child who wants immediate gratification and emotional release.

But, afterwards? Everyone feels like shit, including us. It’s like eating a box of Krispy Kremes and thinking that you are going to have a good day. Our digestive system doesn’t work that way and neither does our emotional/relational life.

Accountability is our friend. It feels good to color in the lines. To be responsible for my best relational moves. To know I can do better and that I have a partner, children and my wisest best self counting on me to do so.

So, show up. Always. That’s a given. But, you gotta weigh in too. Know your numbers. Because when you face yourself with measurement, you can’t hide from the truth. Honesty spells reality and you do want to be your best self. Count on it. And besides. You have a bunch of folks rooting for you. We are all on your team. You can do this. You were born for it.

For the rise of your life …

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Stay in Your Lane

I am not a cyclist. Unless, of course, you count those unsightly occasional my dying in the back row of a Soul Cycle class that my daughter has convinced me to attend as “mother-daughter time.” Nope. Walking, swimming and yoga are more my taste.

But, from the cyclists I know, I’ve heard of this thing called drafting whereby cyclists rotate through a line, taking turns up front pulling those behind. Evidently, when you draft like this, by tucking in close behind another rider, you expend less energy. You lead, I follow. You do the work while I rest.

Sounds like a great idea to me. Taking turns holding the bag. One working while the other rests before switching off.

Except, I think this drafting thing is a terrible idea when it comes to our emotional and relational life. You feel, I’ll feel the same. You set the emotional pace, I will follow along behind. You put out your emotional temperature, I’ll follow suit.

Such a configuration makes for one emotional pile-up.

Inversely, life works better when I am separate from you emotionally. When I take personal responsibility for and thus, do the work of knowing what I am feeling and putting it out there, rather than lazily drafting off your emotional coloring.

Stay in your own lane, Bro. Because your path is yours and no one else’s. Makes for a much smoother ride.

For the rise of your life …

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Empathy

Me too. Me too.

No, it’s not about you right now.

It’s about the emotional experience of the person sitting across from you. The one you claim to love and care about.

But, I can relate. Isn’t that empathy?

Yes and no.

When you emotionally connect with another person, you share emotional energy. So, yes, it can be helpful to find a similar feeling in yourself from which you can understand and validate your loved one’s experience.

But, at least initially, don’t tell them where your compassion comes from. Because if you do, it steals the attention away from him/her and makes it now about you. Not your best relational move.

It’s a much better move to use your ability to tap into a universal feeling from your own experience but keep the focus on the person you love.

And, then after spending time in his/her world, at some point you might share that yes, I too, had that same thing happen to me.

But, it’s all about sequencing. And placement of energy. And love. And presence. And generosity.

Make sense?

For the rise of your life …

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How Do You Attract Attention?

As a baby, you didn’t have to try. You were probably so damn cute that you got your share of notice. Or, you instinctively let the world know that you needed to be paid attention to. Or, at a minimum, your caretakers were around enough that you got your share because you did not die. You are here, reading these words.

But, then you grew up. You found your feet, your words and your independence. Your cries were less demanding and your cheeks less adorable.

So, the game began.

How am I going to get these people to pay attention to me?

Some of us became helpful. At least, they will need me.

Some us became bad. They will have to see me now.

Some us got loud. Who can’t not hear me?

Some of us got quiet. Maybe they will notice my absence.

Some of us starting winning and achieving. External praise flows for high performers.

Some of us went crazy. That will get their attention.

Some of us became funny. At least we can make them laugh.

Some of us became beautiful or sexual. That always works.

You get the idea.

And, I make up that whatever behavior you perfected to get those attention needs met, you still do them, even as an adult. Familiarity hard wires the brain.

However, like all our psychological baggage, we don’t throw it out before we sort and evaluate.

Is this method of garnering attention still working for you?

What cost are you paying for your one pony show?

Does it need to be modified or tweaked? What would that look like?

Is there a better, healthier way for your adult self to get his/her needs met?

Face it – we all need attention. It’s part of the operating manual of this being human thing. There is nothing you can do about that.

But you can decide how it is best for you to get it. You are no longer a powerless child. Recalculate your manner and means …

… for the rise of your life.

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Time in an Hourglass

It was one long conversation. We just moved locations. From morning coffee to walks on the beach to lunch, back to the beach, to wine on the tower during sunset, to dinner of local seafood. I think we covered the gamut with little care in the world as to the time of day. A timeless weekend with my best friend from high school. Over forty years of water under that bridge.

We talked about the past – who is where doing what. We talked about our families – the craziness we caught and the craziness we are trying to change. We talked about our fears and fantasies. Regrets and hopes. What we have power over and what we don’t. We talked about who has died and who is dying and how they are dying and how we want to die. We gabbed on about love and hate and forgiveness. We touched on the superficial like the best products to prevent aging, the hell of trying on swimsuits and the fact that neither of us have ever watched one episode of Game of Thrones. I gave her relationship advice. She gave me travel tips. She relived the story of having to put her Golden Lab, Duke, to sleep. We cried.

We also laughed. A lot.

Yet somehow, we always circled back to the now. Like sand in an hourglass, living in present time is not only a gift, but the only assurance we really have.

I don’t know when I’ll make it back down to her ocean paradise. I’m sure we left untouched content and ripened feelings for next time. But, for now, I am grateful for the chance to cut time from my life and spend it with my oldest friend (she is not flattered when I call her that).

Because, you can’t ever make an old friend. She holds a part of my history that no one ever will. That is something I choose not to let go of.

For the rise of your life …

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Go Deeper

In our age of drive-by contact, go deeper. Emotionally, authentic connection is still the most exciting and satisfying meal in town. It offers juicy nourishment to counteract the stagnation in superficiality. Go for substance and know how to generate it:

1. Create time and space. Eat dinner together. Sit around a table. Drive in the car. Go for long hikes. Turn off the television. And yes, put down your phone. Make room in your overly-distracted lives to connect with another human being. By creating space, you will eventually run out of idle chit-chat which will encourage a deeper dive. Just resist the urge of accessible and tempting fillers.

2. Ask open ended questions. Seek understanding of the other’s world. Appreciate difference rather than argue validity.

3. Speak your truth. Your authentic self – in the form of thoughts, feelings, wants, wishes, pains and story – is what you have to offer a relationship. If you keep all your thoughts and feelings locked inside, then you are withholding your identity from self and others.

4. Risk. Say something daring, vulnerable. Something that you are not certain how it will be responded to. Make your heart pound and your hands sweat. Yes, you might get rejected. The other person might move away from you rather than toward you. If so, that is good information to have. But, he or she or they might move closer. If you reveal something with weight you might occasion more love and closeness. Such possibility is well worth the risk.

5. Pause. Take the other in. Digest their words and feelings. Let them land in your emotional terrain. Then, authentically respond in a way that includes both them and you. A relational cocktail of intertwined connection.

Go deeper this summer. Take the plunge to the ocean depths. You never know what treasure there might be to discover.

For the rise of your life …

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