Ginger M. Sullivan's Blog, page 4

Your Inner Daycare

Whether we know it or not. Whether we want to admit it or not. We all are running an inner daycare. Our toddler and school-age children are running around inside. Mayhem. Each with his/her own agenda —

“Feed me, feed me.”

“Don’t leave me.”

“Love me.”

“Mine.”

“I hate you.”

“I got it. I’ll take over. Watch out.”

“You’re stupid.”

“I’m stupid.”

“I’m the boss.”

Yelling, punching, hitting, strutting, posturing, kissing ass, withdrawing. Saying and doing what they want when they want.

These immature creatures are alive and well in all of us. Our undeveloped parts that need our love and attention. Our leadership and guidance.

But, if you let them take over your relationship life, well … mark your calendar. You will end up alone. If our adult-centered self is not in charge of our love life, then we, our partner and our relationship is doomed.

So, do some inner group therapy. Show who is boss. Get the team on board. Because you got love to make, grow and thrive. And little inner children aren’t equipped for that big of a task.

For the rise of your life …

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Are You Ready?

New Year. New You. New Decade.

Amateur, really. Everyone is doing that. Most of the posts on Facebook are about some new diet, pill or workout mirror.

Blah, blah, blah.

I am all for fresh starts. You get one every day. A chance to redo and do better. Start over. Stretch. Go higher. Longer. Be more. Of you.

I prefer the 12-Week Year. Because, my brain can’t wrap itself around 52-weeks. By week three, I have excused myself out of anything I might have wanted three weeks ago.

So, for my sorry ass, it’s smaller chunks – four times a year. I write down where I want to be – in my vocation, my body, my partnership, my spirit, my heart and my bank account. I look at it every morning, around 5-o’clock-ish. Right after my gratitude journal mixed with coffee. And right before a few pages of reading and a couple sit-ups.

That’s how I start my day, every day. January and October. September and April.

You?

Are you ready?

No victims here. Despite your circumstances, you have the power to change your life. So, be ready. Be fucking ready. Your best you is waiting.

For the rise of your life …

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Real Food

“It’s great to see you. How have you been?”

“Fine. And you.”

“Great!”

Silence. That awkward thud of what to say now.

How many of those conversations are you about to have this week? With Aunt Susan, Uncle John, Cousin Bob and even your mother or sister.

Or, here’s another one –

“The food sure is good.”

“What did you put in the beans this year? They taste different.”

“Umm Hmm.”

We had many of those growing up. Sitting around my southern grandmother’s decorated table. All twelve of us. With nothing more to connect over than my grandmother’s cooking. It’s sad to think about now. Her finery and hours in the kitchen deserved more than meaningless chit-chat.

This year, I’m daring you … be bold. Be the family provocateur. The one that takes it deeper. From the outside to the inside. From the concrete to the invisible. From thoughts to feelings. From the protected to the vulnerable. From the superficial to what matters.

We know you love these people, or you wouldn’t keep showing up at the holiday table (unless you are still stuck in obligation – tell me this is not true). So, find out what you love about these people you call family. And more importantly, show them what there is to love inside you.

This past year, what brought you pain? What did you struggle with? What are you longing for? What keeps you up at night and wakes you in the morning? What scares you? Delights you? What have you gained since you last sat in that chair eating turkey? And what have you lost? What made you laugh? What made you cry? What have you learned and how have you changed?

I recall my favorite Thanksgiving. It was way back in my first marriage, pre-kids. A few of us adult orphans came together last minute for that typical Washington DC potluck holiday. We made the turkey and pie, they brought the required side dishes. We sat at the table around 5 o’clock and we didn’t get up until well after midnight. Granted, many bottles of wine flowed, but more importantly did the conversation and connection. As the hours flew, the vulnerability ripened. We conversed and laughed. Pain and promise. Good and bad. One woman came out as bi-sexual. Tears needed tissues. Bill fell asleep at the table.

Sadly, face-to-face connection is becoming a lost art. Community, dining, sitting around the table for ten minutes, if at all, is becoming obsolete.

But, we still have Thanksgiving. No religion needed. No gifts to rush to. Just food, and table, and people. Once a year we pull out the nice china. We have an assigned seat waiting for us.

So, for God’s sake, sit. Stay. Talk. Connect. Go deep. Have a feeling. Touch a heart. Shed a tear. Tell a story. Actively love the eyes and hearts across from you.

It’s once a year. At the table. Unplugged. Go deeper. Make it meaningful.

For the rise of your life …

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To Rest is To Rust

“To rest is to rust.”

Said the chicken scratch on a random piece of yellow paper. We found it on top of the microwave a few days after burying our father.

We laughed.

His barely legible handwritten platitude could not have come at a better time. He leaves us suddenly, without warning, and here was his final wish. On top of the microwave. On some random piece of yellow paper.

Sadly, or gladly, my brothers and I did not need such a posthumous reminder. Hard work had been embedded in our bloodstream. There wasn’t going to be much rusting in the Sullivan family.

If anything, learning to rest has been more of my lifelong struggle. I could use more putting my feet up. Unproductivity. Sitting on the couch, if not with bon-bons, at least with a big bowl of popcorn and a side order of carelessness.

But what actually does it mean to rest?

Most of us think in passive terms. That resting is some equivalent of stopping work.

Actually, rest is an active practice. One where we intentionally seek a restoration of resources – physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

We rest when we set boundaries. Embrace timelessness. Unplug. Seek the company of the natural world. Learn. De-stimulate our environment. Breathe. Listen to our bodies, our minds, our hearts and souls. Play. Create. Slow down and let go.

This week, I found myself sitting in the back of Montgomery County’s jury lounge, fulfilling my civic duty. I was pulled away from my day-to-day routine into a forced rest. Maybe. As I scanned the room of the several hundred jurists, I saw the typical patron relaxing into their day off. Some were scrolling social media on their phone. Others were sleeping or reading a newspaper. They were enjoying life’s free pass. Biding his/her precious time as if it won’t run out someday.

Not me, of course. I schlepped my weighty bag of time-filling urgent activities. Notes to write. Non-fiction books to read. Blogs to catch-up on. Programs to plan. Christmas lists to make. I was going to use my time wisely while they took too long to decide that a psychotherapist could not be an impartial jurist on a child sex abuse case.

Duh.

Once free to go, I flew out of there as if some jail bird. Free for another year before being called again to take a number, take a seat and sacrifice the time of my life for the privilege of American democracy.

Meanwhile, I’m going to scribble a note and leave it on top of the microwave.

“To savor is divine.”

That one will surely make them laugh.

For the rise of your life …

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Give Better Back

When your partner hits a bad ball, hit a better ball back. His/her misstep in the world of relational excellence is not your free pass to indulge your inner two-year old that wants revenge and relief.

Not if you care about the relationship, that is.

Rather, recognize your partner’s not best move for what it is – an act of self-protection that might have little to do with you. And, you make good move back on your side.

Hard? Yes. Mature? Absolutely.

And, your relationship is more likely to last if you take turns. Only one crazy at a time.

Now, don’t misread what I am saying here. We are talking sometimes and multi-directional. In other words, one of you is not a permanent ass. If your relationship is one where one person does not exist, one where the power is not evenly distributed, then run. Hitting a better ball will only make you a martyr, if you survive at all.

Otherwise, always work your side. Give better back. Aim to be that relational giant.

For the rise of your life …

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Holding Hands and Sticking Together

“Red Rover, Red Rover, Let Mary Ruth come over!” we screamed across the elementary school yard.

The remaining girls in the line sighed relief. They were glad it wasn’t their name being invoked because our brutal reputation was solidly intact. This was long before sanitary rules regarding playground politics and everyone-gets-a-trophy. We were in it for blood. So much so that it didn’t matter if it was wimpy Mary Ruth or two-ton tessy Stephanie that we asked for. No one was busting through the strong arms of us tough girls. We would sling them back so far, they’d hit the Tennessee state line. That’s how confident we were in our team. We held hands. We stuck together.

This decades-old memory came to mind the other day as I listened to a heavy-hearted couple. The bad news was that they were experiencing an inordinate amount of external stress in their relationship – work, family, illness. The good news was that they had each other’s back. They strong-armed their relationship. Outside shit stayed outside. It was the two of them against the world. Solid, sealed and protected. As every marriage should be.

Unlike the game of Red Rover, we don’t have to ask for stress to barrel its way toward us. That happens all on its own. But, if our teamwork is secure, our footing stable and our arms locked, our relationship will stand. Me and you against the world.

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Emotional Parenting 101

Parents:

Children aren’t supposed to know how to manage their feelings. It’s your job to both teach and model emotional health.

So, when your child is an uncontained mess, you have two healthy options:

1. Process your feelings – fast – so that you can be the regulated, sane party. Tune in to what you feel in your body. Do some quick self-soothing and grounding. Get yourself centered and then focus on what your child feels and needs.

2. If Option 1 above is not within your emotional wheelhouse yet, then recognize the sh@$show in both you and your child and put yours on the back burner. You can attend to your reactive feelings later. You need to be there for your child right now. Why? Because you at least have some life experience to know that you will survive this. Your child doesn’t. In his/her immature head and heart, it feels like the end of the world and it’s your job to be their lifeline. At least if being a good parent interests you.

Be the adult here, folks. Your kids – and their kids – are counting on you.

For the rise of your life …

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Relational Magic

Your partner expects defense. They speak words of unhappiness and the natural response is self-protection. Ego over relationship every time.

Yet, ironically, if your ego is stable and the relationship is important to you, you can throw your partner off – in a good way, of course.

“Yes, Honey, you are right. I did …

… Raise my voice with the kids.”

… Forget to take out the garbage.”

… Neglect to call and tell you I was running late.”

You get the idea. Own your part. Give him/her what they aren’t expecting. And, immediately, you will experience their relief. In taking one for the team, they feel validated. They aren’t crazy and you are willing to put him/her and your relationship over your need to be self-protective.

Wow. A true relational miracle.

Go forth and try it.

Let me know how it goes.

Giving it one more chance.

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Killing One Off

I’ve lived five decades and never knew that the word “DECIDE” has the root ending from French -cide which derived from Latin -cida (“cutter, killer”), from casedo (“cut, kill”).

Game changer.

When we make a decision, we are engaging in the action of “cutting or killing off.” We are bringing to an end every other option but the one we choose and take home.

No wonder we are commitment-phobic. When we decide, we become murderers. We are picking this over that. Saving this one and killing that one.

Many of us aren’t friends with our aggression. We’d rather hem and haw, sit on the fence, and make everyone happy. We never have to pick a side and grieve the inevitable loss that comes with walking away from a perfectly good option.

But, in never joining a team, we miss the benefits of creating a life with meaning. Deep attachment becomes impossible. Transient, shallow existence leaves unlived life on the table. And that is a tragedy we can avoid.

So, gather your data. Scan options through your head and heart. Consult with your team.

Then, jump. Cut and kill so you can embrace your best choices for a most vibrant life.

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Forwards, Not Backwards

Frontwards, not backwards. Love yourself so that you pick a partner that can love you back.

Sounds good.

And, it’s more complicated than that.

Remember, it takes people to heal us and people to hurt us. So, get yourself around healing people that will help you internalize their love as to form that loving relationship with yourself. Then, pick that partner. Success!

You gotta get those loving people in your life. Find them. Treasure them. Make consistent contact with them. Soak up their emotional nutrition. That’s the ticket for heart growth.

Then, when you choose your primary partner, you are choosing from a place of self-respect and esteem, not deficit and wish.

Frontwards … better, easier, fewer mistakes, best odds for a successful outcome.

For the rise of your life …

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