Ginger M. Sullivan's Blog, page 3

Learning to Talk

Do you spew or talk?

There is a difference. A big difference. And, it will make a telltale difference in your relationship.

A spewer does not internally metabolize feelings before expression. He or she vomits them into public air. Feelings spill out in reactions through grunts, vibes, tone and movement. Think f-bombs. The “look.” Rolled eyes. Fast, jerky actions.

Once this energy is released, he or she feels great. Clean, clear, next. But, those within ear shot have just been slimed. That puddle of emotional spew has been absorbed and ingested by everyone around. Makes you want take a shower to remove the toxicity.

Do us a favor, people.

Process your own feelings before expressing them with words. That is what adults do.

Realize that you are having micro-physical sensations in your body cavity. Identify what the feeling is and the possible trigger (you may not know immediately and that is fine). And then, decide when and where and with whom to put those feelings into words.

Why? Because you can be known. You can connect. You can ask for what you need and possibly get it met. We call this living relationally. Doing authentically you while being – and staying – in relationship.

And what about ranting?

Yes, there can be a place for that. Sometimes, we all need to throw a temper tantrum to release frustration. But, do the generous listener a favor. Warn them ahead of time that you need to vent. Ask them if they are willing to listen. Give them a moment to put up his/her boundaries as to protect themselves from your green slime. Tell them if you just need them to listen or if you’d like them to help problem-solve.

I’m sorry to bring bad news. But your days of emotional spewing without consequence to your relationship are over. They sadly ended when you were about five. Save the green slime for the Ghostbusters. You got words to use and relationships to whom you need to be accountable.

Here for another chance,

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Learning to Sit

I know you know what I mean.

You’ve had the experience where you open up some heaviness in your heart. You tell a story – your story – of your humanness. A heartache. A loss. A tragedy. A surreal experience that you’ve endured.

And you watch the face contort of the person listening. They cringe. Shrink. Move away or run from the unexpected weight of your story. And, you are left naked in your pain while now having to reassure and take care of them.

Double suck.

You tapped into your awful by sharing your feelings and then your friend cannot bear the weight of your truth. He or she cannot sit with you in the ugly. The fact that life can be raw and real and cruel.

I hope you have a few folks in your life with wide emotional shoulders and big enough hearts to do life’s good and bad. Those that can sit with you and not have to change your mind, cheer you up, fix your problem or try and make it better.

Because that is not what we need in that moment. We need receiving, holding and compassion. Silence filled with heart-felt touch. Words of “I am here” and “tell me more.” Your pain is horrific and I will sit with you in it.

Because there is no fix. No making it better or taking it away. All we get is solid company of those that can tolerate our truth and not shy away.

Find those people. Be that person. Love in action.

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Feelings, Schmeelings

“How does that make you feel?” is a dead giveaway. Therapist-speak. The joke at any party.

Yes, it is true. It is not without purpose that we therapists focus on feelings. Not only are they the juice of our internal life but they are the language of connection in an intimate partnership. Without emotional literacy, we walk as a robot. A heartless machine.

And, feelings can be indulged. Like an out of control mob of young screaming children, they can take over the joint and run rampant. They are capable of destroying our serenity and creating chaos in our relationships.

It is self-caring to know and feel and express our feelings. By all means, pay attention to your feelings. Know your body enough to realize something is happening in there, those microphysical sensations we call emotions. Name them. Be curious as to where they come from. And express them to yourself and maybe, in the right space at the right time, with someone safe.

And, keep in mind that it is also self-caring to discipline them. Know you are uncomfortable and act anyway. Realize you are mad and still choose to be relational. Honor your shame and show up with self-respect. Feelings give one life and meaning but they are aggrandized when they become tyrannical.

Balance, my friend.

Here for another chance,

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Walls vs. Boundaries

Do you know the difference between a wall and a boundary?

Walls are solid and rigid. They keep others out and keep you trapped inside.

Boundaries are flexible, changeable, and removable. They can be opened or closed at any given time and with any particular individual. Think of a gate with a gatekeeper. That gate has one job – “it is true or not true?” If what someone is saying is not true, that gate remains shut and I can get curious as to why someone might say or do something because it has nothing to do with me. It ain’t personal. But if it is true or partially true, I can open the gate and let that baby in. There is information there that might be useful to my growth.

With that healthy boundary in place, I get a vote. No one has the right to dictate my emotional state. I can open and close the gate at any time. It’s up to me.

Do your defenses keep you safe or do they isolate you and keep you lonely?

Love yourself enough to look for healthy ways to protect yourself that don’t close out all the good stuff.

Giving your relationship another chance,

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Commitment to What?

When it comes to commitment, there are two types:

One can commit to the frame. I will not abandon my spouse, my child, my job, etc. until I die. The institution is established and will not falter. I said I would, and I will. Period. End of story. 

Or, one can commit to the work required. I will do the work I need to do to have a healthy marriage, be a good parent, perform well on the job, etc. 

Honestly, I prefer the latter to the former. 

Many of us are too familiar with empty structures, whereby roles are fulfilled in a robotic, stable manner. We go through the necessary motions. The frame will likely stand but sadly, no one may be home. It looks good on the outside. But inside? Best to not look closely. 

Besides, when we roll up our sleeves and do the work required, relationships have the best chance of not just surviving but thriving. And ironically, to take matters further, it is when we often challenge the frame, the relationship can grow to its greatest heights. In other words, in risking intimacy, we actually gain it. When we speak our truth in a daring, authentic way it can threaten the safe status quo while creating space to deepen our attachment. 

How ‘bout them apples?

A couple in my office last weekend stated they were committed. When I questioned which kind, they looked blankly at me. They had no idea there was another kind. Now they do. And now, you do too. Get to work. The rest will take care of itself.

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Talk About It

Inevitably, when working with couples, I end up assisting parents with their children. Besides, that’s what we relational life therapists espouse – evolving the emotional and relational health in the generational line.

On two recent occasions, I reminded disheartened parents that of course, it is difficult for kids to experience trauma – whether it is “Trauma” with a capital “T” or trauma with a lower case “t.” That’s a given.

But it is a worse secondary trauma for no one to help the children process the pain. Adults add to the injury when they deny an event and “move on” as if nothing happened.

I get it. Most of us are well-meaning. There is some fantasy that if we avoid talking about hard things and painful feelings, they will go away. Talking about it will make it worse for the child.

Bluntly, that is bullshit.

It is in the recognition of the reality of the child’s suffering and the validation of understandable feelings from an older adult that the young person has a chance of coming through the trauma less scathed.

Children are resilient. They can survive many horrors. And, it is our job, as the adult, to help them do such with as few emotional consequences as possible.

So, use words. Model. Admit the painful truth. Talk about the distress, the hurt and the fear. They may act like they don’t want to hear it. But you need to say it. And they are listening.

For the rise of your life …

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Looking for Green Signs

Sometimes we are better at identifying red flags than knowing what to look for in a partner.

What are the relationship green flags?

Willingness to admit one’s mistakes

Growth-oriented

Practices self-care and able to self-soothe

Long-standing friendships

Able to be vulnerable

Practices empathy

Self-sufficiency (but not to the point of wantless and needless)

Communicates openly

Healthy hobbies

Self-responsibility

Good boundaries

I get that the heart has its own path. But, when choosing a life partner, get your head involved. Your heart will appreciate the protection.

For the rise of your life …

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Request Away

“Honey, can you fly to the moon and back and be home for dinner?”

Requests are not negotiable. Your partner has the right to ask for whatever he or she might want. Even if it is outlandish.

It is not a good relational move for me to try and talk them down, roll my eyes or sell them a lesser deal. Besides, it is an opportunity to be curious about the longings of their heart. Why the hell is my flying to the moon and back and being home for supper so important to you? – I ask, in my head, of course. I always need to be a good student of my partner’s internal world.

Rather, I get to then respond in generosity with what I can do. Maybe flying to the moon and back is not in my wheelhouse today. Maybe it will be tomorrow, but certainly not today. But what I can do with love in my heart and a smile on my face is go to Safeway and back and pick groceries and make your favorite dinner. That I can do. And I can even do it without that nasty string attached called resentment.

Will my partner be disappointed that I did not agree to fly to the moon and back?

Probably. But, that’s ok. You heard them. You took them seriously. You got curious about why they even want such a thing. You then paused and did an internal scan as to your ability to realistically pull off such a magical feat. Then, you came up with a close second or a partial rendition of something in the ballpark of their heart’s want or need. You then offered that and followed through without punishing them with resentment.

That, my friends, is a relational win. Even if your partner is disappointed that you didn’t grab the entire brass ring.

Besides, it’s just disappointment. A feeling, rather than the end of the world. Your partner got a responsive, thoughtful partner (i.e., loving) and a wonderful dinner out of it. That was far more than he or she had five minutes ago.

Furthermore, your partner’s best relational move at that moment is gratitude. Sugar attracts more bees than honey. The disappointment over not getting the moon thing will be temporary. But, the magical exchange between two conscious and relational partners will over time build a solid foundation to last a lifetime.

For the rise of your life …

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Good Conflict

“We never fight,” she says with a prideful gloat in her voice. She glances at her husband as if I should be giving them a gold star in marital accomplishment.

Conversely, my insides scream, “Oh boy. I’ve got my work cut-out for me here.”

Avoiding conflict is not the path nor the goal for a satisfying, secure partnership.

Rather, conflict is a natural and normal part of any deep relational life. We are two separate individuals. Our wants, needs, unhealed parts and deepest longings are going to collide. It’s inevitable.

So, fighting is not only necessary but important. Avoidance and denial are the true enemies here. The precursors to a dead marriage. Conflict keeps passion alive and enables growth toward deeper attachment.

However, we need to fight without being damaging.

When I work with couples, I tell them that the goal of conflict is four-fold:

1. Not as often;

2. Not as deep (we don’t want to degrade our partner’s character nor demean their person – all of which will erode the connection over time);

3. Not as long (two hours rather than two days or two weeks);

4. Stay as close to real time in the here-and-now as possible (rather than dragging in issues from the past or unresolved pain pockets from childhood).

Learning to have conflict with these goals in mind is a practiced skill. There is no shame in signing up to learn because we all need remedial work. It just takes a little humility and willingness to be a student of life.

That is when you get the gold star – at least in my book.

For the rise of your life …

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Extra Cookies

The heart and soul of relational work is generosity. Having “extra” – extra time, energy, compassion, resources, emotional bandwidth – and choosing to share it with your partner, even and often when you don’t feel like it.

Generosity is like cookies. When I have two cookies, i.e., an extra one, I can keep one for myself and still give one to you.

Why not give your partner both cookies? I know you want to ask me that. I can. But then you have two and I have none. And, as much as I’d like to be in the saint category, I am merely human. Such selfless giving often leads to resentment which leads to contempt which leads to disconnection and divorce. Better to stay clear of those destroying monsters. So, keep a cookie for yourself and give cleanly in love and generosity.

Why not have no cookies and expect all my cookies to come from my partner? I know you want to ask me that too. Because, that’s a set-up for disaster. It’s not your partner’s job to fill your empty heart. I hate to break it to you but that’s your job. Get in the damn kitchen and make your own cookies. And if your partner shows up with another to give you, all the better. You chose wisely to be with someone who is generous. Your partner is your back-up. Your support team. Your extra on a bad day or on a really good one. But, they are not your chief baker. That be you.

So, be emotionally in charge of your own life. Make those oatmeal or chocolate chip cookies in abundance. Share the extra with those you are committed to. Receive when some come your way.

Such a recipe makes for not only happy tummies but for sustainable and satisfying relationships.

For the rise of your life …

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