Ginger M. Sullivan's Blog, page 2

Color Outside the Lines

As a psychotherapist, I resuscitate souls. I tear down the layers of self that some well-meaning adult worked so hard to construct:

Be quiet. (Use your words. Talk loudly and often.)

Color in the lines. (Take a risk. Be yourself.)

Don’t cry. (Let it flow. The more snot, the better.)

Don’t be selfish. (It’s healthy and necessary to love and take care of yourself.)

Be strong. (Be human, messy and vulnerable.)

Shame on you. (It’s okay to make mistakes, grow and learn.)

Be your best self. (Be your full self.)

Be nice. (Be authentic.)

Be good. (Be relational.)

Don’t be angry. (Bring your aggression.)

Take turns. (Interrupt.)

Don’t take too much space. (Be as big as you can be.)

Happily ever after. (Full-range of feelings, challenging, near impossible, worthwhile.)

Don’t get me wrong. Hats off to every big person who pours energy into a little person. Developing humans is not a job for the faint of heart. And, the kindergartener coloring outside the lines, while a nuisance to the teacher, is a gift to the world. A free spirit on a path of unadulterated expression.

My son was one of those. Uncontainable. A parent’s headache, a teacher’s nightmare. By the time has was in fifth grade, his reputation had the head start. IEP meetings and phone calls from the school principal earned a place in my weekly planner. And they were not calling to compliment his by-the-book coloring.

Then came a sleepy Thursday morning in his eighth-grade year. Yet another boring parent-teacher meeting to try and get my son to fall in line. I had grown used to the mumbo-jumbo. The years of critical assessment of my son’s many challenges had left my mind numb and my heart cynical. I had resigned to the idea that anyone in the system would believe in my son. Team Aidan was a one-person squad – me.

“Let’s check this box. I’ve got better things to do today,” I told myself.

As the meeting started, the door opened. In walked Ms. Bufkin, my son’s fifty-something unkempt history teacher. Her left hand was without a wedding band. I imagined she went home to a few cats and stacks of ungraded papers. She found the single remaining chair and settled into the nonsense. She clearly did not want to be there either. She must have drawn the short stick as the one mandated teacher representative to the special needs team.

As my mind wandered to the rest of my day, Ms. Bufkin chimed into the chatter.

“You know Aidan is a genius …”

The room went silent. My heart perked up.

I have no idea what Ms. Bufkin said after that. Or anyone else for that matter. A warm blanket had just cradled my lonely mama self. I held back tears while wanting to stand and scream. Someone else sees my son! Someone else chooses to look past his many distracting antics and miscuing behaviors to see his intelligence and creativity.

My son did complete high school. Not without expected bumps, but he got that piece of paper. And he’s an artist. A culinary mastermind. A lead chef at the age of twenty-one. I could not be prouder.

It’s never too late. Your original self is waiting excitedly. Go ahead. Pick a color. Ms. Bufkin and I are on your team.

For the rise of your life …

The post Color Outside the Lines appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Find the Time

“When you coming home, Dad? I don’t know when. But we’ll get together then, Dad. I know we’ll have a good time then.” – Cat’s in the Cradle, Song by Harry Chapin

Time – our most precious commodity. Brene Brown goes so far as to say that love is spelled t-i-m-e. How we spend our time is what we love.

“How much time do you spend together?” I ask my couples during the assessment phase. I’m fishing for that common theme of relational neglect. The one where we take our partnership for granted rather than invest with conscious intention. As if the most important relationship of our life can sustain and grow on auto-pilot.

When it comes to time with our partner, there are four categories:

First, family time. You, me and the kids. Doing an activity. Sharing life events whether it be dinner time or bath time. Kicking a ball, going to the park, baking a cake or swimming in the lake. Think group. Embracing the masses.

Second, parallel play. You and me sharing the same physical space but focusing our attention on different things. I’m watching basketball, you are playing Candy Crush on your phone. You’re reading recipes, I’m paying bills. Our energy is mixing in the same space. We might look up and share a story or a laugh. But our focus is not on one another.

Third, a focused activity. We are engaging in the same activity together. We are taking a walk, watching a movie, going fishing, riding bicycles, cooking a meal or attending a concert. Again, our energy is co-mingling. We are sharing an adventure and making memories.

And lastly, face to face time. Eye to eye. Seeing, touching, talking. Sharing thoughts and feelings, wants and wishes, joys and pains. My full attention is on you and us. Our energy is flowing in our relational space, rather than being distracted by a third object or activity.

Ideally, your relationship will have a nice mix of all four of these types of time. And, you gotta fight for the face-to-face. It is the key to intimacy, the bonding and attaching of you to your beloved.

Beware that the world is full of thieves – those shiny objects that are seducing you for attention. Water, ritualize, shine on your own garden. Abundance of riches awaits.

Giving you one more chance,

The post Find the Time appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

70/20/10

“But she might never change?” said the downtrodden husband on my new white couch.  

I could feel his heart break from the required six feet across the room. I so wish I had better news for him.

“70/20/10,” I responded.  

Understandably, he gave me a look that matched my nonsensical response.  

I went on to tell him that I like math.  

Always have. Hard-hearted Harden, my middle school Algebra teacher, could not convince me otherwise. Numbers are so clean, even, certain. Unlike the world of relationships and emotions, they leave no room for guesswork. It’s black and white.

You need to like 70% of your partner. Otherwise, why put up with his or her company? It would be boring, irritating, lonely and no fun.  

20% is your partner’s growth edge. What drives you bananas is exactly what he or she needs to grow and polish to make him/her a better human being and partner. Hopefully, you admit and work yours and your partner does the same.

And sadly, the remaining 10%, you’re never gonna like and it’s never gonna change. She likes sushi. She has this annoying eye twitch. She gets anxious for no apparent reason. She baby talks to the dog. She thinks dirty socks belong on the floor and not in the hamper. Etc. Etc.  

In order to have that satisfying and secure relationship, we must grieve and let go of the annoying 10%. My partner is not me. They have idiosyncrasies that make them separate from me. This will never change.  

So, if you are within that ballpark range – 70/20/10 – you might have a winning ticket. Subjective, I know. But, a little middle school math gives us something to go by — Like your person most of the time. Accept that we all have our shit. Find someone who knows their and works theirs. And the rest? Well, a few dirty socks won’t kill you. Promise.

The post 70/20/10 appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

The Full-Range Marriage

A “happy marriage” is a capitalistic concept. It sells expensive engagement rings and throws lavish weddings. But it sets up a bright-eyed couple for a disappointing and harsh fall that many never rebound.

Rather, at best, marriage is secure and satisfying. The benefits outweigh the cost. It enhances the individual lives of the partners as to progress each toward their highest self. It offers an opportunity to regress toward one’s developmental holes as to heal and become whole.

Huh?

Exactly. Few know what that means and it certainly would not sell glossy ads in a bridal magazine.

And, it is the hard truth. Marriage is nothing except a formalized commitment to stay the course. A public agreement to be on a long-term journey of deep side-by-side exploration with another flawed, imperfect human being.

Not an easy sell. Nor, very sexy. And, I make up that the more the truth gets out there, the more we become clear about what we are signing up for and the less disappointing and softer the fall.

Sounds like the makings of a true romance to me.

The post The Full-Range Marriage appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Use Your Words

“How come we always talk about her frustrations?” he said yesterday in a couple’s session.

“Have you told her you were frustrated?” I asked.

He looked dumbfounded.

I turned to his wife.

“When was the last time he came to you and asked if you were available to talk?

”She said maybe once in the past year.

Well, there you have it. No one can read your mind. The time for that ended when words became possible. Around age two. Before then, absolutely. Good parents try to interpret the wants and needs of their crying, preverbal babies. Does he want a nap, bottle, a new diaper? Is she cold, hot, sad or mad? We guess and hope we get it right in order to calm and soothe and attune accurately to our newborn child.

But adults? We gotta use of words. The days of someone meeting us without us having to take responsibility for making our self known are over. I wish I had better news for you.

For sure, our partner can be attentive. He or she can pick up on vibes and on a bad day when words are out of reach, he or she can inquire as to your emotional state – “you okay over there?” But your partner is just your back-up team. It’s on you as Team A to take care of your own wants and needs.

So, pay attention to the feelings in your body. Find that elevator to your mouth. And of course, in a relational way, speak your truth.

Giving you and yours another chance,

The post Use Your Words appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Emotional Party Trick

Remember, feelings in the moment coexist with a distinct yet chronic emotional state.

In plain English, I can feel hate toward my husband or my child in a given moment. [If you are brave enough to admit such is true!] Those are temporary, fleeting feelings that come with full-range emotional living. And, while feeling that immediate hatred, I know deep down that I love them both to the moon and back. Party trick: I can love and hate simultaneously.

However, it’s when those pesky temporary feelings go unidentified and unrepaired that they creep into the foundation of our attachment of love. That small crack widens over time into an immense gulf that feels permanent and beyond reconstruction. Our once loving bond is in danger.

I’m here to help.

I can give you once more chance.

The post Emotional Party Trick appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Three Ingredients for a Successful Relationship

It’s not sexy or romantic. You can’t place them in a box or wrap them in a silky bow. But they are the essential ingredients to making a partnership both work and thrive. A relationship for the ages. One you deserve. One that creates a legacy for generations to follow.

Let’s do this.

First, self-regulation or emotional regulation – the control of one’s self by one’s self. It is the ability to manage one’s behavior and emotional expression in the pursuit of long-term goals, e.g. committed partnership. We must think before we act. Self-regulation refers to the ability to manage difficult emotions and impulses. It also reflects the ability to rebound after hurts and losses and to act in a way consistent with your deepest held values. 

Think resiliency. Bouncing back to center when life’s stressors pull you off track. Not too much, not too little, but just the right amount of emotional response to match a specific situation. 

In order to self-regulate, we must manage our inner world. We must be the driver of the car, attending to our internal daycare in the backseat. The one that buckles in our wounded inner child and our adaptive, coping child. Those parts of us that like to take hold, tantrum, hide, control, isolate, deny, spew and criticize. If those needy, small children are in charge, we wreck any chance at an adult mature relationship. 

Rather, we must attend to their needs to keep them calm that we might stay centered in our wise, adult self. Emotional regulation requires mastery in self-soothing. Ready for the plain, ugly truth? It is not your partner’s job to take care of you. It is yours. He or she is your back-up team. So, learn to self-regulate. It is a requirement for relational success.

Second, insight. We cannot navigate a deep, intimate relationship without knowing the landscape. So, study yourself and study your partner. What is the narrative by which you each operate? What are the trigger points? Potholes? What makes you tick? What do you hunger for? What makes your heart sing? What are your deepest fears and points of resistance? 

Your learning is never over. It is not a one and done. You are on a lifelong path of education to know more and more about yourself and your partner. Deeper and deeper. Like the colored stack of trays in the middle school lunch line, the unconscious has a multitude of layers. So, give it space. Listen to its wisdom. It wants to reveal itself but you’ve got to be a willing student. This knowledge is essential if you want a successful partnership. 

So, raise your hand high. Sharpen your pencils and bring extra paper. Go after the insight of self and your significant other. You’re going to need every ounce to go the distance.

Third, mutuality. Your partnership has to benefit both parties or why bother? At the end of the day, the energy of the “we” – our relationship – has to be greater than the sum of its parts. We both make the other a better person. We give, we take. We share, challenge, grow, comfort, hold and stretch in a trusting, random ballpark of intentional equality. My life is not greater or less so that yours can be less or greater. It’s not about math but rather about meet, match and rise. We reciprocally operate for the betterment of all. 

So, there you have it. A recipe for relational prosperity – self-regulation, insight and mutuality. Not a bad way to start a new year.

The post Three Ingredients for a Successful Relationship appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

“I Thought We Were Fine”

“I thought we were fine,” she said last night in our couples’ session.

He contacted me two days ago, wanting to get in to see me before I left for vacation. I had not heard a peep from them in six months. I thought they were fine too. I should have known better. 

Long-term relationship is like car maintenance. You just want to turn on the engine and have the thing take you where you want it to go. Just work, damn it. 

But perpetual auto-pilot is a deception, albeit seductive. Nothing keeps working well without time, attention and energy.

We take the time for car maintenance. The lights on your dash even remind you – change the oil, check the tires, replace faltering parts. You attend to that automobile you rely on for your life to function.

So, why aren’t we doing the same thing for our marriage? You can buy a new car. And I guess you can get a new spouse too. But, that’s a high price with many consequences. Not something I recommend.

Don’t wait for a crisis. Maintain your precious and fragile partnership before it breaks down and needs emergency repair and/or it is too far gone to be fixed.

Working on your relationship is not shameful. It is smart. The best investment you can make for yourself, your children and their children.

The post “I Thought We Were Fine” appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

Be a Burden

“But, I don’t want to be a burden!”

Haven’t I heard that too many times from one partner or another. Hell, I’ve even thought it myself. We don’t want to be a negative energy to someone else. We don’t want to overload, overwhelm or cause undue stress on our loved ones. They might move away from us or worst case, leave.

Be a burden.

Why?

Because, relationships are burdens. They require work, effort, time and attention. If your partner does not want to be burdened, he or she can choose to be single. Because, if he or she does leave you in search of a burden-less partner, good luck with that. It’s not out there. They will chase a fantasy and end up alone.

Because, you have the right to have needs and wants. It’s the definition of being human. Get over yourself.

Because, in your deciding for them that you are a burden, you don’t give them the right to make that choice. That’s called codependency. Maybe you aren’t a burden. Or maybe you are. And then, they can tell you that they aren’t available right now. Or, they are tired. Or, not tonight, honey. You end up honest with a dash of disappointment. Your partner gets to be authentic while having an opportunity to use his/her voice. We got a win-win in my book. Two human beings who showed up and negotiated the treacherous waters of emotional interaction.

So, be a burden. That’s your job.

Giving you another chance,

The post Be a Burden appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.

How Bad is Worse?

For better or worse.

We promise that. Because life brings the inevitable up and down. Good and bad. Well and sick. It is our human experience. So, we plan ahead and expect that with changing tides, we will stick together and stick it out.

And, love between partners is not unconditional. Hate to break it to you. The only chance we have for that is parent to child. And even then, sadly, some don’t get that.

So, how do we know when to hang on to a relationship that is chronically disabled and one-sided?

I was asked that question this week by one of my patients.

Two thoughts.

First, is the partner doing everything he or she can to heal – albeit physically or emotionally – to recover the resources to come back into full partnership? Are they going to meetings to get sober? Are they seeking medical attention and following doctor’s orders? Are they going to couples therapy? Are they contributing in other ways to the “we?” Are they expressing appreciation and compassion for the extra weight you are carrying in the relationship right now? Do they talk with you about the unsustainability of the situation and have a plan to get back on track?

In other words, they aren’t a child. They don’t get to opt out of responsibility for their part of the relationship and pretend normal. Unless you want to enable such, which I don’t recommend as a road to a satisfying partnership.

Second thought: if your partner is permanently disabled in any capacity, and you decide to stay, be intentional about it. Have a relational reckoning. Grieve what you are not getting and accept what you have and what you are choosing. You don’t get to go victim. Then, let go. Stop trying to change him or her. Own your choice without resentment. You will be happier as will your partner.

Giving you another chance,

The post How Bad is Worse? appeared first on Ginger M. Sullivan.