Jessica Wildfire's Blog, page 426

You can enjoy your fetish alone

My partner doesn’t share my fetish. He doesn’t even understand it. But that’s fine. You don’t need someone else to relish your fix. Enjoy it all by yourself. It’s yours. Do with it as you please. But fidelity comes first. Your fetish doesn’t give you an excuse to go philandering.

What fetish, you ask? I’m into robots. No, not like C3P0. More like Blade Runner. It’s too bad she won’t live, but then again who does? Oh, yeah. That’s the spot. Right there.

Like other taboos, fetish gets a bad rap. People think a fetishist “can’t get off” without that shoe, that comb, or that whip. They can’t have normal relationships. And other bullshit. Truth is, we can. At least, most of us can. We have normal sex. We enjoy it, even. A true fetish can enhance your sexual pleasure without holding it hostage.

Psychology has treated fetish as aberrant. An obstacle to sex. That stigma still hangs around, like an alcoholic after last call.

There’s this scene in a movie with Billy Crystal, Analyze This. Crystal plays a psychiatrist who undergoes profound change. At the end of the movie, he tells a guy to go ahead and role play as a pig with his wife, who has her doubts about the whole thing. If that gets him off, then why not?

That film came out almost 20 years ago. I remember watching it back in middle school, or maybe early high school. Somehow, that throwaway moment in a mediocre comedy changed me forever.

Fuck, I really wish I could tell you that Freud or Foucault had led to my sexual revelation. But no, it was Billy Crystal.

Sure, I’ve read lots of theory about sex. In college, books by Michel Foucualt only reaffirmed what I’d already intuited from experience and movies. Just fuck. Don’t put a label on it. Labels don’t matter that much.

In fact, labels can hurt.

So there ya go. Foucault in a nutshell. You’re welcome, grad students.

Once, my ex-fiance confessed his spanking fetish to me. In a coffee shop. I know, strange place to talk about sex. Anyway, pfff. That one’s easy. Bend over, baby. Tell me how hard. Say when?

To any spanking fetishists out there, I apologize. I know it’s not that simple. Texture, force, rhythm.

But then it was my turn. “Share your fetish,” my fiance (at the time) begged. So I told him. Robots. Dolls, animatronics, mannequins.

That really confused him. He was like, “R2DR?”

He’d never seen a single sci-fi film. It was a miracle he knew the droids from Star Wars. And he was calling me weird? Of course, he’d never seen Blade Runner, either. I explained the plot, and he lost interest. We tried watching it together, and he got bored.

Seriously, I should’ve dumped him at Blade Runner.

A lot of people still don’t understand fetish. Pop culture fetishizes fetish. They throw the word around like paprika. Musicians, TV hosts, celebrities. They show us as mixed up, deviant, lonely.

And then there’s that Selena Gomez video.

Sure, you want to watch her put stuff in her mouth and roll around on a kitchen floor. Tab out to YouTube. I’ll wait.

Okay, you’re back. But you know what? Fuck that. You don’t need approval for your fetish. And you don’t need affirmation from music videos and commercials. You don’t even need a partner. Spank yourself. Go out and buy women’s shoes if that makes you happy.

Honestly, fetish partners don’t always live up to expectations. Even when I managed to connect with someone who shared my fetish, other things got in the way. The biggest obstacle? A lot of guys (and a few girls) who shared my fetish simply sucked at role play.

Take this one guy who claimed to love all kinds of fetish. Sure, he let me pretend to be a robot. But after five minutes, it just turned into a normal shitty date. He talked about his life, his problems, his accomplishments, ignoring all of my cues. Finally I had to stop him.

We went over my expectations, and he scoffed. “That’s a lot of work,” he said. “I thought sexbots just basically sat there and then had sex.”

No, wrong fetish. He wanted a sex slave.

Sexbot.

Sex slave.

Two completely different things.

That’s the problem with a fetish in which you play the subordinate. A lot of times, some dude takes your fetish as an excuse to let his sexist, misogynistic flag fly. Just to be clear, that shit doesn’t tread in real life. And it doesn’t tread in fantasy, either. Even dominant role players show respect to their role play partners. They understand mutuality.

The average guy thought I would just listen to his bull shit for 10 minutes and then spread my legs. No, way more complicated. I tried to walk him through a basic fantasy. He comes home from work. We have light conversation, and then I suffer a malfunction. He has to spend the next 20 minutes running me through a diagnostic process. He has to sit and wait at least 10 minutes while I reload my software and ask him a bunch of irritating questions, like does he want to install my recommended or advanced settings? I say shit like, “Please wait while Jessica’s operating system loads.”

A true robot fetishist would find that hot as fuck.

I’m not even kidding.

But for the average guy, that feels like a huge cock tease.

Alas, that’s how fetish works. What sparks the flames of passion in one, douses the other in smoke.

But that’s what I found out. A lot of guys hear “sexbot” and think “easy sex.” Too bad. Sex with a fetishist is probably the hardest.

It’s great if you can find someone who shares your fetish, accepts it, maybe plays with you a little bit. But don’t count on it.

Relationships hinge on a lot more than what gets you off. Take me and my partner. He’s attractive, funny, kind. Most importantly, he’s mentally and financially stable. Do you really think I’ll throw all of that away just because he doesn’t want to see me march around like a windup toy?

Nope, not even close.

Calculate the odds of me finding a viable partner who shares my fetish. One in 10 million, maybe?

Someone asked me recently if they could enjoy their fetish with other partners. Maybe. All of that depends on what your spouse finds comfortable. Mine would be like, “Hell no.” And I can understand. My fetish involves someone using me as a sexbot.

But my case is extreme. Take another fetish, like shoes. Imagine a handsome guy named Alan, with a hard on for high heels. Alan falls in love with a beautiful brunette, Amanda.

Amanda doesn’t want Alan to jerk off with her shoes.

Pretty reasonable. Nice shoes aren’t cheap. You don’t risk stains on a $200 pair of stilettos.

Alan agrees to leave Amanda’s shoes alone. But he asks if Amanda wouldn’t mind if he jerks off to her friend Jennifer’s shoes. Oh, that’s complicated. We all know that Jennifer has some wicked sexy shoes. Those lace-up boots, amirite? Anyway, the question becomes whether Alan’s cheating on Amanda if he goes over to Jennifer’s place and licks her shoes.

Only Amanda can decide that. Of course, we’re assuming Jennifer has already given permission to Alan.

The situation gets tricky. Let’s say Amanda tries to compromise. They’ll buy some special shoes that Alan can lick and fornicate with. Oh, but Alan suddenly doesn’t like that idea. He still wants to see Jennifer’s shoes.

Now Amanda has the right to ask, “Why Jennifer’s shoes?” She can even squint and fold her arms. That’s completely appropriate.

Now Alan has to explain. Originally, he only wanted to lick Amanda’s shoes. But now that he’s seen her friend Jennifer’s collection, he can’t get them out of his head. So we might have veered into the dangerous territory of fetish fidelity. In other words, can you share your fetish with others?

If you ask me, fidelity wins. Alan has to make a decision. Just how much is access to Jennifer’s shoes worth to him? It doesn’t matter if we’re dealing with people, or objects that they’ve attached emotions to.

Those emotions still mean a lot. That’s exactly why I don’t share my fetish with others. I just enjoy it for myself. You might think that’s sad. But I don’t. I’ve accepted my fetish. I’ve explored it extensively in role play. But now I keep it stored away in a closet, like a really nice pair of shoes.

Especially if you’re a grad student in English… ;)

Especially if you’re a grad student in English… ;)

This is fantastic.

This is fantastic. I don’t have to buy cards for my in-laws now. I can just send them a link to this article!

Adventure always has a cost, you’re absolutely right.

Adventure always has a cost, you’re absolutely right. Life is all about balancing the adventuring with the judgment. Can’t have too much of either!

Like you, I’d like to see attention shifted to the bullies at the school.

Like you, I’d like to see attention shifted to the bullies at the school. Maybe CNN should have them on and ask, “So why did you pour milk all over someone?” And then let them stutter and stumble in front of millions of people. That’s not reverse bullying, just holding people accountable….

A talking cat comes up at night and whispers them in my ear. ;)

A talking cat comes up at night and whispers them in my ear. ;)

No need to explain further… ;)

No need to explain further… ;)

We stayed in touch, and he did get the divorce, so….

We stayed in touch, and he did get the divorce, so….

I used the word “stranger” loosely to play with people’s expectations a little.

I used the word “stranger” loosely to play with people’s expectations a little. I think my main point is the one you’re making. ;)

That’s fantastic, congratulations!

That’s fantastic, congratulations!