Stacy Gold's Blog, page 5
December 1, 2020
RANDOM MUSINGS: FINDING GRATITUDE IN 2020
It’s weird. Everything, really. But finding gratitude especially. Given the discomfiting dichotomy of 2020 being the worst shitshow in America in my fifty years on this planet, and yet on a personal level, it having been a pretty good year for me it’s hard. And weird.
Yes, I know this is, in part, my hetero white privilege showing. Not to mention the privilege of my handsome, well-educated, tall white cis husband with the good, stable job that lets us live a very comfortable life in a very nice place.
Still, amidst the pandemic, the BLM protests, the murder Hornets, the devastating wildfires, the rollback of environmental regulations, and the attempts to reimpose abortion restrictions—not to mention the subversion of our democracy and our free press—I think it’s important we each remind ourselves how much we have to be thankful for.
Because we all have something, even if it’s as simple as the sun shining today (Which it’s not. It’s cold and overcast here.).
It might be cliché, and Thanksgiving might’ve been last week, but today I’m filled with anger and frustration over the state of our country and the stupidity of far too many of my fellow Americans. So, I’m letting this time of year be a good reminder to focus on being grateful for what I’ve got.
I’m Finding Gratitude in 2020 for These Ten Things
It seems like a lifetime (or twelve) ago, but I landed my agent in February of this year. While we haven’t been able to sell my manuscript yet, I’m so thrilled to have Lesley Sabga and The Seymour Agency supporting me and my career.
My husband and I celebrated our twentieth wedding anniversary this past August. If someone had told twenty-three-year-old me that I would eventually meet and marry my best friend, and we would have a decades-long, healthy and happy relationship, I would’ve laughed them out of the room. Yet here I sit, very happily married to a man who is not perfect, but is perfect for me.
Two of my novellas won awards towards the end of this year! In Deep took 5th, and Never You took 2nd, in the short erotic category of the OKRWA IDA contest! I’m thrilled an honored.
Bus camping. Like many people, we camped a lot this summer. And it was glorious. We finished the season with two, incredible, unplugged weeks of road-tripping around Colorado in our 1978 VW bus, mountain biking and paddle boarding, and caught the turning of the aspen trees from start to finish. We’ve had our bus for twenty-two years and have so many memories of traveling all over the country in her. It makes me no end of happy that she’s still rolling.
Since March, I have been biking, hiking, paddling, and walking a combined distance of around 200 miles a month. I even managed to do more whitewater kayaking than I’ve done in years. Given I’ve had a number of shoulder and wrist injuries, plus a long recovery from foot surgery in recent years, that is pretty damn stellar! It feels so good to be able to walk miles again.
Our newest rescue pup is a fantastic fit for our family. We adopted Holly at the end of April, and she has proved to be full of joy, super sweet, and a fast learner. Best of all, our older dog adores her. Even though he’s nine, they still rumpus most days at least once, if not twice. It brings me great pleasure to see them both happy.
I wrote an entire novel this year, and I am rewriting and expanding an old novella. The novel is intended to be book two in the series my agent is working to sell. I wrote the novella four years ago (boy have I become a better writer!) and plan to self-publish it in 2021. Yay!
My eyes have been opened to how much systemic racism exists in America today. While coming to terms with my own implicit bias hasn’t always been easy, I know I can only be part of the solution if I can understand and admit to the problem.
Biden and Harris won. Hell yes! It wasn’t with the huge numbers I hoped for and anticipated, and it won’t solve all the issues baked into our systems, but at least I won’t go on Twitter every day wondering what crazy lies or bullying our President is tweeting today.
It’s almost 2021! While it doesn’t actually change much, it sure feels like it will, so I’m going to celebrate it.
What are you finding gratitude for this year? I’d love to know! Please do share in a comment below.
The post RANDOM MUSINGS: FINDING GRATITUDE IN 2020 appeared first on Stacy Gold.
November 18, 2020
TWO EMERALD MOUNTAIN NOVELLAS ARE 2020 IDA FINALISTS!
I’m thrilled and honored to announce that two of my steamy, ski romance novellas have finaled in the 2020 IDA Contest. Never You took 2nd Place, and In Deep took 5th Place in the Short Erotic category!
The IDA (International Digital Awards) is a competitive contest sponsored by Oklahoma Romance Writers of America (OKRWA), but is open to all works of fiction in digital format, regardless of romantic content.
Every novella in the Emerald Mountain Series has finaled in, or won, a major romance contest.
It’s such wonderful validation to know my books have been judged worthy by contest judges who’ve read loads of romance. Honestly, it’s a big part of what keeps me writing these books.
Thanks to these contests, and so many wonderful reviews, I’m confident there is a market for my steamy, outdoor adventure romances, and I’m working hard to publish more soon. In the meantime, keep reading to discover what makes each of these novellas so special, and the awards they’ve won.
Or, head on over to my Website to grab your copy of one of these award-winning novellas (or the boxed set—which saves you almost 40% off the individual cover prices).
Here’s a complete list of all the awards, including the 2020 IDA contest, my Emerald Mountain Series novellas have won.
Just Friends – a friends to lovers story
N.N. Light Book Awards Finalist – Best Erotic Romance
OKRWA IDA Contest – 3rd Place Finalist
Taya Monroe is trying to pick up the pieces of her failed writing career and broken life after walking out on her cheating fiancé. Ski Patroller Jordan Wiley is a single dad with zero time or energy for dating. When a snowstorm traps these two old friends in an avalanche of chemistry, will their friendship survive the weight of their passion?
In Deep
– a second chance at love story
N.N. Light Book Awards Winner – Best Erotic Romance
H.O.L.T Medallion Finalist – Best First Book
OKRWA IDA Contest 5th Place Finalist – Best Erotic Short 2020
Sophie Tremore is trying to build a career in the male-dominated world of Ski Patrol. The only problem is her new boss, Ski Patrol Director Max Demford. Because for eight mind-blowing weeks two years ago, they were lovers. Forced to work together, their simmering attraction becomes difficult to ignore. When Sophie gets caught in a slide, an adrenaline-filled day could turn into a spectacular night they will never forget—one that could risk both their careers.
Never You – an enemies to lovers story
OKRWA IDA Contest Finalist – 2nd Place, Best Erotic Short 2019 & 2020
NYRWA Kathryn Hayes “When Sparks Fly” Contest – 3rd Place, Best Erotic Romance
Ski Hut Caretaker Morgan Monroe doesn’t do casual relationships. Certainly not with the obnoxious, flirty, too-hot-for-his-own-good chef she’s wanted to strangle all season. Chef Dan Griffin doesn’t believe in relationships. But a one-night stand to celebrate the end of ski season? Hell yes! When things heat up on a cold winter’s night, will they play it safe or follow their hearts?
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October 31, 2020
RANDOM MUSINGS: THE POWER OF HAPPILY EVER AFTER
Like clockwork, somebody always pops up on social media arguing that you don’t need a happily ever after or happily for now (HEA/HFN) ending to have a romance. It would be easy to argue in return that this is simply the way the genre is defined. But that doesn’t get to the heart of why romance readers and authors will defend the HEA/HFN to the death.
Still, we’ll start with how the industry categorizes genres…
Love stories with a happy ending are categorized as romance. A book that has a primary love story with an unhappy ending is usually either a love story, or a tragedy (see perennial favorite examples of anything by Nicholas Sparks and Romeo and Juliet).
Of course, any book from any genre can have a love story as a main or secondary plot thread. They’re still not romances without that HEA/HFN.
These are accepted and agreed upon genre definitions within the industry, by authors, publishers, and booksellers. However, to at least a few people, this doesn’t matter. They will argue to the end of time that a love story that ends in tragedy should be considered a romance. Usually with the caveat that it’s “just how they feel”.
Unfortunately, feeling something is right doesn’t make it right. This also does a huge disservice to both romance readers and the power of a happy ending.
Most romance readers enjoy these stories in large part because the happy ending is guaranteed.
Romance novels provide an escape into a story where you know that, no matter what happens, it’s all going to end well. You can be confident you will feel happy and uplifted by the time you’re done reading—no matter what trauma the characters go through along the way.
That’s a hell of a promise. Especially for anyone dealing with difficulties, trauma, or depression. And especially right now, when our world feels like a shit show inside of a dumpster fire in the middle of a pandemic.
To leave out the HEA/HSN breaks a core promise to readers that by the end of the story everyone is going to end up happy and loved and in love. That promise is why so many romance readers are so invested in the genre.
We hear so much every day about couples divorcing, and the inherent unhappiness of being married, or single. We hear about women having to give up their careers and passions to raise a family. We hear about people of all persuasions who feel unloved and unlovable.
Where else in life can women and marginalized folks (whether they’re LGBTQ+, a person of color, or have some kind of disability—visible or not) get everything they want and deserve? Nowhere.
In romance, every person can be deserving of respect, love, and a happily ever after.
These days, romances come in every possible genre and subgenre. You can find western romance, historical romance, sci-fi romance, contemporary romance, romantic thrillers and more. The one thread that makes them all romance is the guarantee of the HEA/HFN ending.
To not use the HEA/HFN as the defining feature of the genre does a disservice to readers, authors, publishers, and marketers. It makes it incredibly hard to market, sell, or find the books romance readers want. For some, these stories contain the only happy endings they know.
So, if a story doesn’t have an HEA/HFN it’s simply not romance. Nothing wrong with that, as long as each book is categorized properly. And like most other, avid romance readers and writers, that’s a hill I’m willing to die on.
What are your thoughts on the happily ever after in romance? Please do share in the comments below…
The post RANDOM MUSINGS: THE POWER OF HAPPILY EVER AFTER appeared first on Stacy Gold.
October 16, 2020
BOOK REVIEW: RED, WHITE & ROYAL BLUE
It takes truly great writing to make me love a book written in third person these days. Author Casey McQuiston manages to achieve this near-impossible feat with her debut Red, White & Royal Blue.
This book has everything…Clear, vivid writing, fresh and snappy dialogue, quirky characters you want to root for, scandals, politics, a fake friendship that turns into much more, and British Royals. What’s not to love?
Right from the start the character’s hyper-realistic, modern dialog grabbed me. Then the descriptions of White House life swept me away to another world. Add in the high stakes of a forbidden gay romance between the current (Female!) American President’s son and one of the princes of England (Yes, this is a m/m romance.), and a dash of hope for a better America, and I was sold.
I absolutely loved the details of D.C. life and politics, and the political machinations that happen internally as well as with our neighbors across the pond. It’s clear the author has lived in D.C. or worked in the political world, or she did a helluva lot of research.
Ms. McQuiston builds idiosyncratic, nuanced characters, layering in details to create real people that keep on living in my head. They’re smart, and funny, and weird, and stuck in impossible situations that the author somehow makes believable. And the way she lets the romance develop from an apparent enemies-to-lovers to clearly-they’re-perfect-together is so very fulfilling.
I was rooting hard for these two to figure out how much they really love each other—and what they’re willing to sacrifice to be happy. I can’t wait to get my hands on her upcoming release.
If you haven’t read Red, White & Royal Blue yet, what are you waiting for? Grab your copy now.
Book Blurb for Red, White & Royal Blue
First Son Alex Claremont-Diaz is the closest thing to a prince this side of the Atlantic. With his intrepid sister and the Veep’s genius granddaughter, they’re the White House Trio, a beautiful millennial marketing strategy for his mother, President Ellen Claremont. International socialite duties do have downsides—namely, when photos of a confrontation with his longtime nemesis Prince Henry at a royal wedding leak to the tabloids and threaten American/British relations.
The plan for damage control: staging a fake friendship between the First Son and the Prince. Alex is busy enough handling his mother’s bloodthirsty opponents and his own political ambitions without an uptight royal slowing him down. But beneath Henry’s Prince Charming veneer, there’s a soft-hearted eccentric with a dry sense of humor and more than one ghost haunting him.
As President Claremont kicks off her reelection bid, Alex finds himself hurtling into a secret relationship with Henry that could derail the campaign and upend two nations. And Henry throws everything into question for Alex, an impulsive, charming guy who thought he knew everything: What is worth the sacrifice? How do you do all the good you can do? And, most importantly, how will history remember you?
Grab your copy right here right now!
Have you read this romance? What did you think? I’d love to know in the comments below…
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September 29, 2020
RANDOM MUSINGS: CLEAN OR DIRTY ROMANCE
If you’ve read much romance, you’ve probably noticed that many romances are labeled either clean or dirty. “Clean” stories are the ones with no sex in them. “Dirty” stories are the ones with explicit sex in them.
This is a problem.
Why? Because it’s telling the reader that sex is inherently bad. Soiled. Sullied. And, by extension, anyone engaging in said sex is also inherently bad, tarnished, impure, foul, and polluted. Think I’m exaggerating? Let’s consider the dictionary definition of the word dirty.
dirt·y
/ˈdərdē/
ADJECTIVE: covered or marked with an unclean substance.
“a tray of dirty cups and saucers”
Also: soiled, grimy, grubby, filthy, mucky, stained, unwashed, greasy, smeared, smeary, spotted, smudged, cloudy, muddy, dusty, sooty, unclean, sullied, impure, tarnished, polluted, contaminated, defiled, foul, unhygienic, unsanitary, cruddy, yucky, icky, manky, gungy, befouled, besmirched, begrimed, feculent
VERB: make dirty.
“she didn’t like him dirtying her nice clean towels”
Also: soil, stain, muddy, blacken, mess up, spoil, tarnish, taint, make dirty, mark, spatter, bespatter, smudge, smear, daub, spot, splash, splatter, sully, pollute, foul, defile, befoul, besmirch, begrime,
Clean, on the other hand, means morally uncontaminated, pure, and innocent.
Other synonyms for clean include: virtuous, good, honorable, respectable, just, honest, fair, reputable, decent, righteous, moral, pure, undefiled, guiltless, blameless, and irreproachable — just to name a few.
When it comes to romance novels, dirty has far too many negative connotations.
Here’s my issue… The implication behind calling a book clean or dirty is that the characters and the reader are also clean or dirty. It’s really a form of slut-shaming. If you enjoy sex whether on the page or in your own life, it in you are dirty.
Yet there is nothing inherently dirty about sex. It is a natural and pleasurable act, and as long as it occurs between consenting adults it’s a beautiful thing.
It is also part and parcel of the most burgeoning relationships today. Sure, there are some people who choose not to have sex outside of a committed relationship or marriage. And that’s fine. But that does not make sex a dirty act. Nor should it make books with explicit sex in them dirty. Not when you consider the definitions of the word.
Romance novels, in particular, are about allowing the reader to experience the wonders of finding love with someone who likes, respects, and supports their partner (or partners). That includes finding ways to give a partner or partners joy, pleasure, and happiness. Good sex is part of that.
While my books have plenty of graphic, premarital sex, the only time they might be considered dirty is if someone has literal dirt and sweat on them from playing hard outdoors.
Instead of using clean and dirty, what’s the best way to describe romance novels with explicit sex?
My preference is steamy or hot (i.e., high heat level). I can even live with spicy, though I think it’s less accurate.
Years ago when I first discovered fanfic, a story would be labeled as having “lemons” (not sure where that came from) if it had explicit sex. I liked that, but it wasn’t clear from the get-go what it meant (I had to google it initially). What we don’t need are descriptions that imply sex—or anyone having it—is inherently bad, or distasteful, or unclean.
So, what about those “clean” romances? What do we call them?
Sweet seems to be the best industry term, though I’m not convinced we can’t find something better. Still, sweet and steamy seem to have fewer problematic connotations than clean and dirty.
Regardless of which ones we use, the words and labels we choose are powerful. Their implications can resonate farther than we realize. In an industry that already gets disparaged for making women’s fantasies and dreams come true, we simply don’t need any more negative descriptions of such wonderful stories.
What are your thoughts on clean versus dirty as descriptions of romance? Please do leave a comment below.
The post RANDOM MUSINGS: CLEAN OR DIRTY ROMANCE appeared first on Stacy Gold.
September 15, 2020
BOOK REVIEW: LOVE LETTERING BY KATE CLAYBORN
Especially with the world on fire, I find myself drawn to charming, funny, character-driven, romances that are low on serious angst and medium to high on steam. The kind of book that gives you all the best feels and ends like a warm hug. With the kind of characters you’d like to be friends with.
This book is everything.
It’s a beautiful, lyrical, heartfelt love story about two quirky, flawed humans finding each other and becoming better people together. And it’s so very satisfying on every level.
Love Lettering proves Kate Clayborn is an amazing wordsmith at the top of her craft.
I am a sucker for a romance with carefully crafted writing, realistic characters that learn and grow, and a nice dose of steamy sexual tension. This book fits the bill.
Written in first person, present tense, it rather interestingly features only one character’s point of view. Usually, I like to see inside the heads of all the romantic partners, but in this case the main character has such a distinctive voice it really works. I really felt like I was in her head.
The story is small, with only a handful of characters and zero big, action-packed moments. It’s entirely character-driven with an incredibly awkward meet-cute, and a way of finding surprising common ground between the characters that makes the reader really root for them. Instead of a big breakup, it throws in a fabulous surprise twist at the end.
Very few books meet my exceedingly high standards. This one beat them by a mile. I honestly couldn’t put it down. I am in awe of Ms. Clayborn’s talent, and can’t wait it to read it again (and again, and again).
Do yourself a favor — click over to her Website and buy, read, and review it now! You can thank me later.
Back Cover Blurb
One little word puts a woman’s business—and her heart—in jeopardy…
Meg Mackworth’s hand-lettering skill has made her famous as the Planner of Park Slope, designing custom journals for New York City’s elite. She has another skill too: reading signs that other people miss. Knowing the upcoming marriage of Reid Sutherland and his gorgeous fiancée was doomed to fail is one thing, but weaving a secret word of warning into their wedding program is another. Meg may have thought no one would spot it, but she hadn’t counted on sharp-eyed, pattern-obsessed Reid . . .
A year later, Reid has tracked Meg down to find out how she knew that his meticulously planned future was about to implode. But with a looming deadline and a bad case of creative block, Meg doesn’t have time for Reid’s questions—unless he can help her find her missing inspiration. As they gradually open up to each other, both try to ignore deepening connection between them. But the signs are there—irresistible, indisputable, urging Meg to heed the messages Reid is sending her, before it’s too late . . .
Got a book you think is better? I’d love to read it. Please leave your recommendation in the comments below.
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September 1, 2020
RANDOM MUSINGS: AMERICAN EXCEPTIONALISM
A while back I came across a post on Twitter I can’t quit thinking about… It stated that the very concept of American exceptionalism is a tool of oppression used by the patriarchy to maintain power.
This idea struck me on a few levels. As a dual citizen of the United States and Switzerland who has lived and traveled abroad extensively, I’ve long known America isn’t exceptional. In fact, I’ve spent the better part of my adult life trying to create a more European lifestyle.
American exceptionalism is a powerful lie.
My family in Europe enjoys safe, clean cities, a living wage and amazing free healthcare. They also get six months of paid maternity leave, a minimum of four weeks paid vacation a year, and a whole lot more. They walk, and hike, and forage, and bike, and garden, and generally spend a lot of time outdoors. Life over there is slower, and more focused on experiences and friends and good food than things.
While we don’t have all of that here, I do what I can to enjoy a version of their relaxed lifestyle…
I prefer to walk, ride my bike, or use public transit versus driving my car. I prefer to buy fresh groceries every two or three days, ideally from a local farm, versus stocking up an extra freezer and pantry at Costco with enough to last months. I have zero interest in living in a giant home in the suburbs. I enjoy sitting outdoors with a relaxing cup of tea while watching the world go by.
Yet in the U.S. we’re told spending hours a day sitting in traffic to drive to a job we hate, to pay for stuff we don’t need, is the good life. And with fewer jobs and less pay, things here only seem to be getting worse. Depression and drug addiction are on the rise because people hate their lives.
Once you proclaim your way is the best, you close yourself off to any other options.
Other countries have proven universal healthcare makes people both healthier and happier. That you can absolutely outlaw certain guns, or all guns, and you’ll reduce gun violence. That paying people a living wage, and offering things like universal childcare and free college, makes people happier and a country more successful.
While I’d long understood these aspects of the lie that is American exceptionalism, I’d never realized it’s a powerful tool of the patriarchy. But again, if you say our way is the best way, you leave no room for change.
If we are the best, we don’t need to look at our hiring practices, our laws, our for-profit prison system, our societal mores, the actions of our police forces, or the fact that our country is ruled by a minority determined to stay in power. We definitely shouldn’t consider that by almost any metric, compared to other developed nations our version of democracy and capitalism is a failed experiment (unless you’re part of the 1%).
Yet every day in America we’re seeing more and more how incredibly racist, misogynistic, xenophobic, and anti-pretty much everything other than cis white men this country truly is. And people outside the United States are realizing America is no better, and in fact often worse in many ways, than where they live now.
As long as the status quo is maintained, the patriarchy maintains power.
When I talk about this, people often ask why don’t I just leave?
In theory, I could. It certainly something I’ve considered. Except my husband is very close to his family, and his parents aren’t getting any younger. He would have a hard time finding work over there. And most importantly, if we leave, I abdicate my responsibility to try and make this country a better, cleaner, safer place for all of us to live a good life and achieve our dreams.
I don’t need to go. The idea of American exceptionalism does.
Do you have thoughts on the idea of American exceptionalism and what it does to our Country? If so, please do comment below.
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August 19, 2020
BOOK REVIEW: THE KISS QUOTIENT
Are you looking for the kind of steamy romance that sucks you in and makes you want to put your entire life on hold until you’re done reading (at which point you’re going to be very, very sad it’s over)? If so, I cannot recommend The Kiss Quotient enough.
The female main character is an econometrician with Aspergers, who loves numbers more than people. She has difficulty in social settings and can’t stand French kissing. So, she decides she needs help learning how to be good at sex in order to keep a man and have a relationship.
Queue the entrance of gorgeous Vietnamese/Swedish escort Michael Phan. He has a one-time-only rule with clients but can’t afford to turn down Stella’s offer. He also quickly finds he doesn’t want to turn down her offer.
I loved the peek into Vietnamese food and culture. And who can’t relate to pushy parents who want you to get married and have children ASAP? Not to mention feeling incredibly awkward in social situations with strangers (especially those you most want to impress), bad at dating, or unworthy of love?
Ms. Wang touches on all of these themes in a way that’s realistic, relatable, and often times funny. The writing is terrific. And the sex is hot, hot, hot. I highly recommend you buy and read this book, and review it, ASAP.
Here’s the full book blurb:
Stella Lane thinks math is the only thing that unites the universe. She comes up with algorithms to predict customer purchases—a job that has given her more money than she knows what to do with, and way less experience in the dating department than the average thirty-year-old.
It doesn’t help that Stella has Asperger’s and French kissing reminds her of a shark getting its teeth cleaned by pilot fish. Her conclusion: she needs lots of practice—with a professional. Which is why she hires escort Michael Phan. The Vietnamese and Swedish stunner can’t afford to turn down Stella’s offer, and agrees to help her check off all the boxes on her lesson plan—from foreplay to more-than-missionary position…
Before long, Stella not only learns to appreciate his kisses, but crave all of the other things he’s making her feel. Their no-nonsense partnership starts making a strange kind of sense. And the pattern that emerges will convince Stella that love is the best kind of logic…
Have you read The Kiss Quotient? I’d love to know what you though in the comments section.
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August 4, 2020
RANDOM MUSINGS: 20 YEARS OF HAPPY MARRIAGE
If you’d told me when I was 25-years old that a few years later I’d meet the man of my dreams—and that I’d eventually, happily, celebrate our 20th wedding anniversary—I would’ve said you were high. Except here I am, freshly turned 50, and doing exactly that this week.
Mind you, I never wanted to get married at all. When you grow up around shitty marriages like I did, it’s easy to wonder why anybody would ever volunteer for that special kind of hell. In fact, I turned my hubby down the first time he asked me to marry him because I didn’t want to marry anybody. Ever.
I’m so glad I finally gave in. Being married has been one of the most wonderful adventures, and its made all my other adventures that much more special. It’s also made me a healthier, stronger, happier person.
Given this is a helluva big milestone year, and I’m a writer romance, I’ve been doing a fair amount of reflecting on my life and marriage. And I decided to share some of the most important lessons I’ve learned over the course of my relationship.
The Ten Most Important Lessons I’ve Learned from My Very Happy Marriage
Marriage is a team sport. One person is not more important, or more deserving, than the other. Also known as, “it takes two to tango”.
You know you’re in a good, healthy relationship when you both inspire and support each other to be better versions of yourselves.
Make sure you always share at least one common activity, interest, hobby, or pursuit (other than your children). You don’t have to do everything together, but you need to be able to share something: card games, antiquing, dancing, reading, a love of heavy metal or obscure poets of the 16th It helps you create excitement and make new, fun memories together.
Marriage shouldn’t be work, but it does take work. Once you’re married you can’t just go on about your life expecting your relationship will be fine. You each have to put focus and energy into spending quality time together on the regular, and making sure your partner is happy. If it’s a constant struggle to be happy together, maybe you’re with the wrong person.
If you don’t like and respect someone, and enjoy their company, don’t marry them. It’s a recipe for unhappiness, depression, and divorce.
If you don’t like, love, and respect yourself you can’t expect anyone else to, either. However, you deserve both. Make the first one happen, and the second will follow.
You shouldn’t have to change yourself, or hide parts of yourself, to find a partner. Instead, find someone who not only accepts you, but embraces and appreciates you, for everything that makes you weird and unique.
Communication and vulnerability are key. If you can’t share your wants and needs and fears and thoughts with your partner, your marriage is likely to be more cage than safe space.
Shared backgrounds are nice, but shared goals are more important. If you and your partner have entirely different life goals you are always going to be at odds. If you’re both trying to achieve the same goals, you’ll be far more likely to get there and enjoy the journey.
You can never say please, thank you, or I love you too often.
Got any more sage words of advice for a happy marriage?
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July 17, 2020
RANDOM MUSINGS: VULNERABILITY, HAPPINESS, AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS
These days, so many people struggle with developing solid, close relationships—even with their spouses. Everyone is depressed, or drinks too much, or hates their lives. Divorces are commonplace.
Yet we go through our lives pretending none of this is true, and not talking about it because that would be to vulnerable. Or that’s it’s okay because everyone else is really unhappy with their jobs, lives, or marriages, too.
As a romance author from a very dysfunctional family and former marketing consultant, I’ve spent a lifetime studying human behavior. I’ve also gone from being diagnosed manic/depressive in my teens to creating a very happy life, with solid friends and a twenty-year marriage to a hubby I adore.
Needless to say, I’ve given some thought to how I got here and why others don’t. What I’ve realized is, the key to finding happiness in yourself, and in your relationships, is vulnerability. It’s recognizing you’re less than perfect, and loving yourself despite or because of your imperfections and quirks—or changing what you don’t love—and believing you deserve love and respect from others.
Why do most people find it incredibly hard to be vulnerable?
Partly, it’s fear of rejection. Partly, it’s because we’re trained that way from a young age. I know I was.
If I cried, I was “weak or manipulative”. If I got angry, I was “out of line”. If I was depressed, and I was, something was “wrong with me.” If I was vulnerable in any way, and expressed my feelings, I was nothing but a problem and a burden. Or my feelings were “wrong”.
So, I stopped letting anyone know how I felt. Or what I truly thought. And what I truly thought was that I was screwed up and not deserving of love. I believed if anyone saw “the real me” they’d run screaming. I know I wanted to.
Instead I decided that I needed to figure out what aspects of me I didn’t like and change them. I worked to become someone I love and respect. Which meant other people’s judgements no longer mattered. If they didn’t like me for who I was, fuck ‘em.
Society discourages vulnerability as much as many of our parents.
Even before the advent of social media, with all its perfectly filtered selfies and perfectly curated lives on display, society told us to “never let ‘em see you sweat’. Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, let anyone know you’re “going through something.” Never show you’re different, or hurt, or hurting. Ever.
If you ask for help, you are weak. If you cry, you are most definitely weak, and you should apologize for doing so. Nobody will like you if you’re weak and emotional.
Be strong, they say. Try to fit in. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps, put on a brave face, and quit crying or complaining. Whether the issues are personal, professional, or societal in scope we should be quiet. And be grateful for what we have because someone, somewhere, has it worse.
Men in particular can’t be vulnerable because any emotions other than anger are for sissies. If men show their humanity, they’re weak. And vulnerable. Men are supposed to be strong and powerful and vulnerability inherently implies a person is weak and can be hurt.
The result is most people don’t let anyone see who they really are for fear of judgement or rejection.
If you can’t admit your own issues to yourself, or you see yourself as weak and worthless and unworthy, you’ll never by truly happy.
If you don’t show people who you really are or what you’re going through—or have gone through in the past—they can never get to know or love you for you. Which means you can never have truly supportive and fulfilling relationships.
The truth is, in vulnerability is great strength. It’s when you open yourself up and show your ask for help, or show that you’re sad or hurting or weird, that you connect with other people on a deeper level.
It’s only by being vulnerable that you can find true happiness. And it’s the only way you can find connection, real acceptance, and love.
What are your thoughts on the impact of vulnerability on your relationships with yourself and others? Please leave a comment below and let me know.
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