M.K. Sheehan's Blog, page 13

Be Careful of your Character

Last month we began breaking down the fascinating writings of Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power). He wrote:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Last week we unpacked, “Be careful of your habits,” which you can read here.

Using what we talked about over the last month as a foundation today, I want to delve more deeply into character as a virtue. Being of good character includes the habitual choices we make, which in turn impact the way our lives progress. The paths we take, the people we associate ourselves with, the activities we engage in, all of these small and seemingly inconsequential decisions work together to create our destiny.

When we are careless or inattentive to these daily or in some cases momentary decision points we can quickly and easily loose ourselves. It is in these moments that we are not present and being on autopilot can quickly derail our mastery of self. Failing to pay attention to where we invest our time and energy results in time spent poorly. American author, and Buddhist teacher, Jack Kornfield, writes “The trouble is you think you have time.” And I do this too. I scroll to delay completing an unpleasant task. I know I need to exercise but I fill the time with something else because I don’t feel like it. These aren’t moral choices in the moment but over time and with accumulation it is those small choices that will determine my health, wellbeing, my quality of life. I am sacrificing long term health and wellbeing for momentary or immediate gratification. 

Yet, with this Taoist teaching I am not asked to be perfect. I am not called to know all of the answers or to be fixed. We are only asked to watch, to pay attention, to gradually and slowly improve. We are invited to notice so that our momentary leanings do not become a way of life. We’re opening ourselves to the possibility to make a different choice this time or next. 

Becoming our most authentic selves is not something we do overnight. There is no remedy or medicine or solution that works. Developing our character is the work of a lifetime made up of minuscule choices. We do not have to be perfect. We do not have to have all of the answers. We only need to pay attention to be sure that the path we are walking, the people we travel with, and the destinations we visit help us to grow. Because it is through these choices that we will set our own destiny.

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Be Careful of Your Habits

Earlier this month we began breaking down the fascinating writings of  Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), published in the 3rd century, who wrote:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Last week we unpacked, “Be careful of your actions,” which you can read here.

This one is trickier for me. Starting with my understanding of character. There is, “to be a character,” which typically refers to someone eccentric or interesting. There is also your characteristics – the unchangeable features of who you are designed by biology, culture, and community. And then there is the concept of having good character or being someone worth knowing. I imagine we’re discussing the third of these – having character similar to something a Jane Austen heroine might seek.

Collins English Dictionary interprets character as someone with the ability to deal effectively with difficult, unpleasant, or dangerous situations.

Merriam-Webster – Moral excellence or firmness.

To be honest I don’t think either of these is what Lau Tzu is talking about. Our habits make up our daily routines and our lives to a certain extent. In watching our habits we’re making sure that we are showing up in the world as our best selves. When someone asks how we are doing do we answer honestly? Do we scroll through our phones while people are talking? Are we cutting people off in traffic?These aren’t major moments in our days, possibly only a few seconds. A quick snap decision we make to respond on autopilot, half listen, or put our wants before someone else’s safety can become habitual. And even if it is just a quick moment or time grab on our part to, “get something done real quick.” We’re choosing to put ourselves first at a cost to someone else.

I often write about the importance of putting yourself first and investing in meeting your own needs before taking on anyone else’s. But here we are facing the opposite of that inclination – when someone chooses to put themselves first at the risk of harm or hurt to someone else. Even a gesture as small as scrolling instead of listening to the person we are with can be hurtful. Beyond that the quick choice to cut someone else off in traffic could result in an accident that potentially puts many people, including ourselves, in harms way. 

Therefore the character that Lay Tzu is describing is who we are when we think no one will be hurt. Who we choose to be when we think no one is paying attention or will know it was us. How do we behave when given the opportunity. Do we rise to the occasion or do we take what we can get? All of us fall somewhere on a wide spectrum of character and our positions are constantly shifting with every decision we make. Character is not a fixed or defined absolute, we are constantly shifting and changing, growing and learning. Being watchful of our smaller habits helps us all bring the best of ourselves to the table and to the world. 

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Combating Negative Self-Talk with Magic

I read recently, “You don’t have to to have it all figured out to move forward.” It makes me think of my highlight reel of negative self talk – the judgments that seem to always be with us and leading us to feel as if I need to improve, quickly. Researchers estimate that we think about 50,000 to 70,000 thoughts a day – and that about 80% of those thoughts are negative. The messages that we haven’t done enough or that we aren’t enough, can leave us feeling defeated. Which in turn keeps us trapped in that negative feedback loop and in some cases can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. 

Being in this place is exhausting. The repeated messaging that we aren’t enough wears us down – and by virtue of listening to it, and worse yet believing it, we stay stuck. We begin to believe we can’t do all that we want and because we believe it, it becomes true. That false belief saps our energy and leaves us feeling too worn down to pursue our goals or even to take that next step.

Negative self-talk is a workhorse – it simply plows the same row every day. It does not like obstacles or challenges, it just wants to plod the same path and get back to paddock by sundown. This routine may not work for us any longer, we may want to shift gears and try something new but that horse just wants to tread the familiar path. It does not like flashy colors or new routes, in fact if not for the passage of time it would hoe the same row every day if it could. The routine is predictable, the routine is safe, the routine assures that we will get back to the paddock just as we left it. There will be no injuries or negative push-back because we will have done the same thing every day. And walking that path is easy, we know we have the fitness for it, we know the way and won’t get lost. It is easier to do the same thing every day and not make any changes.

The old line, “the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again expecting different results,” comes to mind. We can’t do the same things if we want different results. We cannot continue our current exercise routines and wake up one morning to run a marathon. When we get caught in a comfortable routine we can find ourselves fearful or hesitant to try something new – we’re afraid to leave our comfort zone. That is understandable because the workhorse in us just wants to get back to the paddock safely and the only way to guarantee that outcome is to take the same steps over and over. 

The thing is that if we never try something new or step out of our comfort zone we leave no room for magic or inspiration. We simply get home safely with nothing new to share at the dinner table. There’s a lot to be said for the joys of a simple life and a smooth day but if your heart is longing for a little adventure, wanderlust, or surprise. I hope you’ll coax that workhorse out of its rut and take a ride into town. I hope you’ll stretch in a new direction or try a new routine. You don’t have to wake up and go hot air ballooning but maybe try a new breakfast recipe, or meet a friend for lunch. Make time and space in your life for magic and see if it doesn’t add a spring in your step, a richness to your life, and a little spark that you might nurture into something new for yourself and the world. I am going to try it and I hope you do too – tell me what new things you try below! 

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Be Careful of Your Actions

Earlier this month we began breaking down the writings of  Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), published in the 3rd century. The excerpt is below:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Last week we unpacked, “Be careful of your words,” which you can read here.

When our thinking and speaking are aligned with who we truly are our actions naturally follow suit. The concept of watching your actions for they become your habits feels familiar and necessary though. To me this speaks to our daily routines, the things we do without even thinking about it. How our actions, when repeated build upon each other and become parts of our regular life. Do we make time for the things we enjoy or are we simply going through the motions. Do we incorporate fun or conversation – do we say good morning or show affection to the people we care about or do we simply presume the know how we feel.

Our actions can be deliberate choices we make to show care for ourselves and others. They can also be rote routines we follow without thinking. Anyone who’s ever gotten into the car to drive to a familiar place and suddenly found themselves at their destination without any memory of the drive has experienced this. In college we called it the transporter. How did I get home? By following muscle memory and autopilot. 

It feels like Lau Tzu is not guiding us to be ever vigilant in our activities but rather to pay attention to our choices so that we make space for simple pleasures and joy in our lives. I watched a reel on Instagram recently where they held up a sign offering $5 to any person who called someone to tell them they loved them. Every person who stopped made the call and refused the five dollars. Each said to give it to the next person, someone who needed it more than they did. I would argue that they felt richer simply by calling the person they loved to tell them. The callers didn’t need money, they had love.

The simple gesture of calling to tell someone they loved them reminded the callers of how much they had – they had people who loved, supported, and missed them. Much like that sign, Lau Tzu is calling upon us to be intentional in our actions – call someone you love, take a different route home and enjoy the view, give yourself the gift of paying attention. When we are attentive to our actions and our choices we realize the freedom we have to change the world and our lives for the better. 

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Be Careful of Your Words

Last week I shared that as a child I would read inspirational messages posted by a local party center as we drove home from school each day. I was fascinated by the philosophical posts, my favorite was from Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), published in the 3rd century. The excerpt is below:

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Last week we unpacked, “Be careful of your thoughts,” which you can read here. 

Today I’d like to talk more about being careful of our words. How we say our words has a direct correlation to how we feel and in turn how we treat others. However there are some ways of speaking that destroy connection rather than build it. Being careful of our words, to me, means being intentional in what we say, speaking our truth from our hearts. 

To speak our truth honestly and freely we must also remove some of our weaker conversational tools that no longer serve us. There are two tactics that I strive to limit in my own conversations and I would encourage you to do the same. I’ve expanded on these below:

Sarcasm – There’s a reason sarcasm translates so poorly between languages. At best it can be confusing at its worst it is cruel. For some of us sarcasm is a security blanket a turn of phrase that gets a cheap and quick laugh. Many of us have learned to use sarcasm to distract or deflect attention from ourselves. But when we are using our words to cut down another person or idea – we are causing harm. 

Backhanded compliments and comments – these statements leave just enough room for interpretation. They are not kind or considerate but rather hurtful. These turns of phrase are passive aggressive sarcasm. These are phrases or statements that hurt and harm with kindness – comments like, “You always look lovely in that dress. I see why you wear it all the time.” This is not a compliment, this is a way of taking someone down. These comments sting and much like sarcasm they are designed to hurt.

These are statements are personal and they cut deep. If you are a person who uses backhanded compliments in regular conversation I would encourage you to stop. You are doing harm to the people you love – your family, friends. If you have an issue with someone in your circle it is far better to talk with them directly than it is to kill them with a thousand verbal lashes – because when it is your words that you use to hurt when you ask for forgiveness no one will believe you mean it sincerely.

Using our words seems to be a lost art, the ability to exchange witty banter or turns of phrase that leave others laughing without hurting is a delicate dance. And every so often we do loose our cool, we slip up and say an unkind thing. When that happens it is important to immediately call out your misstep and honestly share your feelings with the other party. 

If someone’s words are hurting you, let them know that you do not appreciate their unkindness. Hopefully, this is a simple social faux pas but if it becomes a larger pattern it is completely understandable and necessary for you to distance yourself from the guilty party until they can learn to communicate kindly. 

If you are someone who uses sarcasm or backhanded comments to communicate, it may be time to reconsider your approach and find a better way to express yourself. Meanness is not a good look and finding a way to share how you feel without hiding behind barbs will only serve you well in the future. You will be giving yourself, and those you love, the gift of honest and open communication. You will be giving the gift of greater intimacy and understanding because your friends and family will know that they are safe in your company. You will find far deeper connections with the people you love, now that they no longer have to hide from your harsh words. I wish you a lifetime of love and connection – use and choose your words wisely. Your words reflect not only how you see the world but impact how the world sees you.

Have you ever used sarcasm or backhanded comments to make a point? Do you use them for laughs? Or would you rather not?

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How to Pursue an Intimidating Dream

I love the rejuvenating energy of early summer. The promise of fresh flowers, vegetables, and colors. I love the morning dew and how every leaf in my strawberry bed seems to be hiding some sweetness ready to be picked and devoured by my children. It always inspires me to dream bigger and imagine another fresh beginning for myself. It’s so exciting to dream bigger. I once read that if your dreams don’t scare you, you’re not dreaming big enough and it spoke to me. But I also realized that there are some very specific steps to take when we have a dream that is big, bold and beautiful that terrifies us. I want to share what I do when I get myself imagining some incredible things but need a little courage to go after it.

When a goal is definitely for me but I am hesitant to pursue it, out of fear or intimidation. I do the small things around it. A supplemental goal here, a similar but not quite goal there. I take smaller steps,  incremental progress is not substantial enough to scare me. I do just enough to move forward and slowly but surely that larger goal doesn’t seem so terrifying and it gets done too because the rest of the work is already complete.

Another way I face a goal that seems daunting or overwhelming is that I write out my fears and answer them. I write down all of the scary ideas that are floating around in my head. For example, 

“Will this be embarrassing? What if I fail? What if someone judges me and finds my work wanting?” 

And then I reply, “It could be embarrassing, so what? Will you die? No. Embarrassment has yet to kill anyone. If I fail I learn. And then I will be more prepared for whatever comes next. And there are always judges ready to heckle our work. Criticism is easy, showing up and stepping into the arena is hard – that’s why there are so many critics and so few artists. It’s hard because it matters. It’s on your list because it is your calling and your life’s work. You wouldn’t show up to do it if it weren’t important. And if you are judged perhaps you will help someone else to be brave by being first brave yourself. And who cares what someone else says, you do this work for you and you love it, if you’re proud of it, it does not matter what anyone else says about it.”

It’s incredibly empowering to give yourself guidance and a pep talk like this. It doesn’t have to be perfect, we don’t have to be perfect. We just need to hear that truth inside of us ringing clear and loud like a bell. That inner wisdom is giving us permission to show up and try. And oftentimes that is all the push I need to take the next step forward.

I hope these two little tips serve you and help you push past your inner critic to own and chase down those sacred dreams you hold in your heart. You have them for a reason, don’t let fear stop you from shining as brightly as possible. You are here to change the world and I can’t wait to watch you do it! 

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Be Careful of Your Thoughts

Every day on the drive home from school my family would pass a party center with one of those light up signs where someone would replace the letters every week. I don’t know who their message posting philosopher was but I read their work every day. I memorized the notes from that sign and they have served me well throughout my life. The most impactful posts, for me, were from Lau Tzu a mystic philosopher of ancient China, best known as the author of the Tao Te Ching (The Way and Its Power), which is the original Taoist text published in the 3rd century. I’d like to share them with you: 

Watch your thoughts, they become your words.

Watch your words, they become your actions.

Watch your actions, they become your habits.

Watch your habits, they become your character.

Watch your character, it becomes your destiny.

Over the next few posts I’d like to unpack each of these sentences. Starting with our thoughts.

In yoga the experience of having our thoughts randomly jump from one idea to another is called, “monkey mind.” Because, like a monkey, if not properly attended to our minds will bounce all over the place. We are impacted constantly with sensory information and data that triggers our mental synapses to fire – we see a truck, think fire truck, fire, candles, Sylvia’s birthday is on Friday I have to remember to get candles. And the like. 

In meditation we attempt to still the mind – which isn’t so much actual stillness, except observing our thoughts with detachment as if we were watching them happen to someone else. Our thoughts are not for us to manage or dissect in meditation. As we meditate we are simply to stay aware that we are thinking but not engage with the thoughts – it is not easy. That said, it can be incredibly freeing to release ourselves from the constant mental leaps of consciousness and simply be both physically and mentally still. The guidance to, “watch your thoughts,” may be in reference to meditation. To separate yourself from your thoughts and observe them. 

Watching your thoughts could also be instruction to be attentive to the quality of the thoughts you entertain. Are your thoughts primarily negative or positive? Are they judging or shallow? A reminder that what we give our attention to is what we will draw to ourselves. If we’re thinking negatively we will want to talk about and discuss with others who share our perspective and will therefore draw more negativity into our lives. Are we thinking about ideas and concepts or are we thinking about ourselves or other people? This reminds me of the sage advice attributed to American First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt but originally stated by English historian Henry Thomas Buckle, 

“Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people.” 

If you were to be attentive to your thoughts would you be proud to say them out loud? Or if you find yourself ruminating on insults or past interactions might your time be better spent creating new happy memories? Or investigating ways in which you might make your mind a more pleasant place to visit? After all, our happiness begins from within, shouldn’t we do our best to make our minds and thoughts a pleasant place to be and live?

This week I will be watching my thoughts to see what I learn. I hope you’ll join me and if you feel comfortable, share what you’ve learned or noticed in the comments.

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Looking for Flowers: Staying Out of a Negative Mindset

Have you ever noticed how when you’re in a bad mood the world seems out to get you? Or the inverse, when you are feeling great the world is also full of joy? Today I am thinking about self-compassion and how important it is that we take care of ourselves first so that we can come to the world with a positive mindset.

An old story comes to mind. 

A weary traveller came to the gates of a new city and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of thieves and evil people.” 

The gate keeper answered, “We have those kinds of people here too.” 

The traveller moved on not wanting to stay one more minute in such a terrible place. 

Later that day another traveller came to the gates and asked the gatekeeper, “What kind of city is this? The last city I left was full of creative and interesting people, everyone was kind and I left many friends.” 

The gatekeeper answered, “You’ll find people like that here too.” And the traveller entered the city.

The gatekeeper did not lie to either traveller – there were both kinds of people in her city. But the wisdom is in recognizing that that which we look for we will find. The first traveller sought only to find the evil and darkness in others and would likely find it. The second traveller saw only light and would likely find the same. 

Have you ever had a conversation with someone like the first traveller who is hurting so much they seem to have no choice but to fixate on the negative things that have happened to them? A friend once spent an entire day lamenting to me about the hurt her family had caused her, how their cruelty had poisoned their relationships, and how she was an innocent recipient of this pain. On the way out of a family event her father asked her to please wait as he had picked up dinner for her. In that moment it really struck me – was my friend truly being harmed and hurt by her family? Yes. Was it because of their careless disregard or intentional desire to cause her harm? No. She was simply choosing to observe and remember those situations when they had disappointed her. She was looking for their faults and not their kindnesses and like the first traveller, she found it.

My friend’s inability to accept love was causing her pain. We remember pain longer than ease because in our primitive history it has been the avoidance of pain that contributes most greatly to our survival. For example, if we remember caves may be mountain lion dens we will not be eaten. On the opposite end, if we find a field of flowers it may be beautiful but if it does not lead us to find honey or food our primitive brains forget as it is not imminent to our survival. This survival tactic worked well for our primitive selves and we can all be grateful to our ancestors for remembering every danger that kept them alive so that eventually we could exist. However, these are no longer primitive times. If all we remember is danger and pain, looking for mountain lions – we will miss all of the flowers.

We lead lives full of potential and possibility but when we focus intently on the negative we loose sight of the joy and love in our lives. Negativity may initially generate a response from others – attention, pity, or support. If a person continues to come to us with their negative story and we do not share their perspective – we see that person like the first traveller, better to let them move on than waste our time trying to introduce them to good people. The perspective of the traveller, is the travelers responsibility, not the gatekeepers.

It is our responsibility to take care of ourselves and love ourselves first. It may be difficult to shift your attention, to see someone else’s care for you. But with practice even that first traveller can learn to look for the good so that their toxicity does not spread into personal relationships and their life. In my friend’s case – her father was showing love and care to her – it’s her job to see and appreciate it. 

What makes this work most important is that if gone unchecked that negativity will consume you and every relationship we hold dear. We become the mountain lion, the dangerous predator consuming and destroying the love and connection the world offers us. Much like that first traveller, we walk alone and miss so many friendships and opportunities simply because we were not looking for the flowers.

How do you protect yourself form mountain lions? How do you make self-care a priority so that you don’t become a mountain lion yourself? 

Also, no mountain lions were harmed in the writing of this piece. This work is not based on any one mountain lion living or deceased, it is the authors attempt at metaphor. She has no animosity to the mountain lion community – please do not eat me. I just needed an animal that lives in caves and might, in a hypothetical situation consume a prehistoric cave invader.

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Clearing the Clutter: Breaking Up with an Old Dream

To create a new beginning something has to end. Many days I meditate on the the theme of clearing the clutter but today I moved actual boxes. I did the mental work first, the figurative exercise to create mental space, and to free my mind from the obligations that seem to fill up my brain and leave me with no additional bandwidth to perform the actual work. All of those exercises led me to the actual labor of lifting and moving actual boxes that had found a resting place in the middle of my office. 

The space is wide open and I feel lighter, freer, less weighed down by obligations and to-do items. I recently spent some time away with friends and we talked out our visions and plans for the future. We discussed our goals and our dreams for what our lives could look like in the next five or ten years. It was powerful deep dive stuff. My friend shared that she has some big picture goals for herself and her business but she doesn’t feel ready to pursue them. I want to share what I said to my dear and life-long friend with you – that is ok too!

It is ok to have dreams that we hold off on pursuing. We often feel a sense of urgency to complete tasks. This may come from competition with others or a desire to check something off our to-do lists. But sometimes we don’t want to do something because it is not right for us. Sometimes what felt like an incredible and exciting goal turns out to be adjacent to our path but not on our journey. And that’s ok. 

Fear in creativity is important, it tells us when we truly care about something. Sometimes though when we write and reflect we learn that that goal is no longer for us. That too is a victory, we have learned something important. Just because you have had something on your list for a long time does not mean you have to finish it. If you come to a place where it’s time to step forward or let a dream go, you can let it go. You are not obligated to complete every dream or every goal you imagine. Maybe you needed that inspiration to motivate you but now that particular goal, or version of that goal, is no longer necessary and that’s ok. It is ok to let go of something you don’t want. You don’t need to do it just to prove that you can. You’re not giving up on yourself or on every dream, you are simply recognizing that that goal is no longer meant for you. You are doing enough. You have done enough. 

You do not need to take on anyone else’s goal or anyone else’s vision, even if that goal belonged to a past version of yourself. That person did not know what you know now. That person did not have the steps behind them that you have. They made the best decision with the information they had at the time and now you know more. You are further up the mountain, your view is better and your knowledge enhanced.

Trust your gut – if you’re afraid, take small steps and see how quickly the dominoes fall. If you’re hesitating because a step is not right for you, pause, reflect, and if necessary recalibrate and move on. Once you release that item your list you have freed yourself to imagine new and bigger dreams that truly fit the path that you are on. It frees you to follow your right path. Sometimes it is just time to put things away and clear the space for whatever comes next and that is truly brave.

How do you reflect and recalibrate before moving forward? How do you choose your path with intention? What is a goal you had to leave behind in order to move forward?

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Being Where We Are

Today I am thinking with gratitude about where I am in this moment. This feeling is not about where I’m going or about how far I have come. It is about being fully present exactly where I am right now. How, even if I accomplish nothing else today or even in this life, if all I do is continue on the path I am currently walking, that will be enough. I already am enough. You are already enough.

There’s a lot of convoluted and conflicting messaging out there about how having value or being our, “best selves” includes the pursuit of goals or the manifestation of a dream life. And yes, even here I talk about using those tools if you’re interested growing, learning, or striving for something different for yourself. But I’d like to take a minute to reaffirm the message that all of those decisions and opportunities are optional. They are not necessary for you to be whole or happy. They are not necessary to living a deep and rich life full of meaning and connection. All we ever need is to offer ourselves our own unconditional love – not because we accomplished a goal or reach a particular milestone – but simply for existing.

Even if we do nothing else in life but unconditionally love ourselves and treat ourselves kindly, that is enough. It is more than enough and it is all that is necessary. We are often encouraged to look outside of ourselves to locate our value. Marketing is created to lure us to repair some external feature because then we may we worthy. We are marketed to and sold to – buy this cream to fix this blemish or fault that someone else might judge you for having. Instead, today let’s look inside ourselves and locate our own inner compasses. We don’t owe perfection to anyone. We don’t owe modification to anyone. Nor do we ever have to change ourselves to fit some societally imposed or marketing-imposed version of ourselves that is more palatable or desirable to others. We only need to be honest and true to ourselves.

We are perfect as we are, where we are, right here and right now. What a gift to know that our worth is beyond questioning and that our value comes from within not without. And on that theme we are not without anything, everything we need we already have. You are loved, valued, and perfect exactly as you are right now. We all are and isn’t that magnificent?