Ann Davidman's Blog, page 9
October 24, 2017
6 Questions To Ask Yourself If You're Not Sure You Want Kids
Writing a guest post for Refinery29.com allowed me to share two of my most fundamental beliefs with their many readers:
1. Understanding the WHY of why you want to have children is as important as understanding the "how" and the "when."
2. It is okay -- and recommended -- to ponder "why" or "if" you have the desire to have a child before you make a momentous, life-changing decision.
Refinery29 has a parenting section, titled "Mothership", with the tagline: "Our many paths to, through, and away from parenting." "Because motherhood is a big if — not when — and it's time we talked about it that way," they say in their descriptor. I love that a major media outlet is finally starting to redefine motherhood and how women should perceive it. I'm proud to say that my article is part of this section.
Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article:
6 Questions To Ask Yourself If You're Not Sure You Want Kids
from Refinery29.com
by Ann Davidman for Refinery29
How many major life decisions are you expected to “just know” in advance? You put time and growth into your career — and sometimes change course. Choosing a partner can take a lifetime of trial-and-error. So why is it women are expected to “just know” whether they’ll someday want kids?
Feeling indecisive, and feeling bad about yourself because of it, only makes finding clarity even more difficult. If you’re ambivalent, you’re definitely not alone. After more than 25 years of helping women make this life-defining decision, and listening to them describe how tortured they feel for not knowing one way or the other, I can tell you there are more of you than you know.
Part of the difficulty for many people is getting bogged down in the how part of the decision, as in, how might a child come into my life? Before you can entertain whether you’ll someday have a biological child; adopt; become a single parent, part-time parent, co-parent, or step-parent, you need to know if you want to become a parent at all. You need to know whether you want to raise the next generation and why. The why is important — not because you owe anyone an explanation or need to defend your position, but so that you know what’s driving your desire.
And turning to your friends or loved ones won’t necessarily help. When people don’t know whether they want kids or would rather pursue a childfree life, they tend to poll people, and then the question becomes more of a debate about which choice is “better.” This may include looking at external factors, such as your age, career, where you live, whether you’re partnered or single, whether you have a certain amount of money saved, and so forth. But this line of thinking doesn’t get you any closer to knowing what you want.
Others can only tell you about their experience; no one can tell you what it will be like for you, just as no one can tell you what’s true for you. The six questions ahead can get you closer to knowing what is... (Click to continue reading.)
It's okay to ponder if you want to be a mom...Explore or discover your desire about motherhood in my next Online Motherhood Clarity Course.
Learn More
October 16, 2017
"Her desire and mine were at odds..."
It’s easy to feel defensive and afraid when your partner expresses that he or she wants something that feels far away from what you want. If you grew up in an environment where your voice wasn’t nurtured or where the focus was on what others needed, then you might only to be able to hear "He's telling me I can't have what I want," rather than hear that he's simply expressing his desires.
It is possible to come together as a couple after having distinct and separate desires. I provided an exercise on finding common ground on the issue of becoming parents in a recent blog. It starts with listening and understanding and resisting trying to convince the other person. There’s room for both of you to want and desire what you want. The more room you make for each other’s desire, the more relaxed you’ll both become.
Today, in Seeking Clarity, we hear from a husband who had always known (or thought he had known) that he wanted to be a father. He has an interesting perspective on how he and his wife "fell into the trap that she should want children."
"Being female and not wanting something she was supposed to want was creating a lot of strain and an unfair burden on my wife; a lopsided experience that kept us from connecting on the level we needed to."
Please read on...
Why did you reach out to Ann Davidman, Motherhood Clarity Mentor, for help?
My wife and I had different desires for children. I’ve always wanted children (I wanted 13 when I was a kid, down to 3 when we started talking seriously about it) and she wouldn't have them if I didn't want them. This felt like an existential issue for our relationship as it is for many relationships. We spent several years having conversations and engaging in exploration. It was more often my wife engaging in self-exploration because I think we fell into the trap that she should want children. She found and completed the Motherhood Clarity Course™ and learned a lot more about what she wanted. Her desire and mine were still at odds, however, so we scheduled a consultation with Ann, which turned out to be incredibly helpful in terms of getting us to deeply listen to each other. This helped unlock a new path for us that felt like a true compromise.
What results were you hoping for from the consultation?
I was hoping for forward movement, whatever that would end up as. I was getting exhausted with the process and I wanted a path forward based on action rather than talking.
What was most helpful about your consultation with Ann?
I initially didn't feel that I needed to do much work to determine my "desire": "I know I want kids; what else do I need to figure out?!" My wife kept repeating a question I assume she learned from taking the Motherhood Clarity Course: "But what about parenting do you want? What appeals to you? What does it mean to you?" I didn't really like these questions. After some self-reflection and then a session with Ann, I realized I hadn't done the work I needed to do. I realized that my lack of interest in examining these questions actually represented multiple forms of privilege: being a male and wanting something that my culture views as the reasonable next step in my life. Being female and not wanting something she was supposed to want was creating a lot of strain and an unfair burden on my wife; a lopsided experience that kept us from connecting on the level we needed to. After I realized this, I engaged and realized that what I really want is the long-term relationship with a child into adulthood, not necessarily having a baby or a biologically-related child.
Where did you end up and were you satisfied with the consultation?
I imagine this will continue to be an unfolding process, however, we have found a program that feels like a true compromise, one that I can confidently say that neither of us would have pursued or even known about without having gone through this process. There is a refugee foster program in Northern California; the program focuses on young people and adolescents that mostly come from refugee camps and need families to pursue education and independence in the U.S. Though it is "fostering" (because there’s often no way to ensure it’s appropriate to terminate parental rights), the goal is to build a long-term relationship. That meets an important need of mine. There is also tremendous support from the program and a built-in community. This program is less of a direct parenting commitment than adopting or fostering a baby. That meets an important need of my wife. It also meets our need of staying together and deeply connects with both of our values.
What kind of process did you have with yourself and your partner after the consultation?
We started being able to get more excited about our path moving forward than focusing on our differences; so far, we both share a low-grade terror and deep excitement and faith that I assume is similar to what many soon-to-be parents feel.
Would you recommend the Fatherhood Clarity Course™ or the Motherhood Clarity Course to others and why?
Absolutely. I didn't take the courses but my wife told me about it and we had referred it to our best friends who also found tremendous benefit. I see the course as creating a space that doesn't seem to exist in most of our culture: for those of us who really don't know or have differences within the couple. It's isolating. There are so many of us that there should be more spaces for us to think this through.
What would you tell a man or a woman who is struggling with not knowing or struggling to decide about parenthood?
I got a little teary just reading this question. I have so much empathy for you. This is a very, very challenging and intensely personal decision. There is no right or wrong decision, and no one can tell you what is right. I certainly can't, but if you let the mud (reactivity) settle and move forward with openness to change, there can be real beauty on the other side. You're not alone, I feel for you and I wish you well.
© 2017 Ann Davidman
Read other stories in the Seeking Clarity series...
Discover what's true for you so you can move confidently forward in one of life's most important decisions.
Click to learn more:
Motherhood Clarity Course
Fatherhood Clarity Course
September 26, 2017
"At the age of 42, I felt an intense amount of pressure to make a decision..."
Sometimes the clarity that one achieves is different than what they expected it would be.
At the conclusion of the four-month Motherhood Clarity Course, women don’t always have the clarity of their desire enough to make a decision about whether to become mothers or live childfree lives. But they do end up knowing what their next step needs to be to move closer to a decision. That next step can be to seek additional help for other underlying issues, take a closer look at their family situation, or face that a relationship has gotten in the way of discovering their truth.
Today, I continue the series, Seeking Clarity: Interviews with Women Who Sought and Found Their Answer to the Motherhood Question after checking in with a woman to see how she was faring since the course ended almost two years ago. She said:
“I’m doing well and although I’ve still not had an 'aha' moment, I’m okay with that right now. Since the course, I've joined a 12-step program, which is super helpful and supportive and I feel it is already impacting me in many positive ways.”
Please read on...
Why did you reach out to Ann Davidman, Motherhood Clarity Mentor, for help?
I reached out because I was struggling daily with feeling like I needed to make a decision about whether I wanted to have a baby. I was in a lot of emotional turmoil about the fact that I felt so uncertain and had so many mixed feelings. At the age of 42, I felt an intense amount of pressure to make a decision, along with the knowledge that it likely might already be too late for me anyway to have a biological child. I had a lot of fear around making the wrong decision, or waiting too long and missing out and being left with regret.
What were you hoping would happen by taking the Motherhood Clarity Course?
That I would have an 'aha' moment and feel 100 percent certain about my path forward.
What surprised you most or what was most helpful about taking the course?
That I instantly felt better just by being part of a community of other women who were struggling with the same kinds of feelings. That my own feelings about motherhood were so wrapped up in my relationship with my own mother (and father), events from my childhood, and that I could heal some of those things.
Where did you end up and were you satisfied with the course?
I ended up much more comfortable with my uncertainty. I feel better now that my life can be great either way. I am still not in a relationship that I feel would be the right one in which to become a parent. I continue to work through my own feelings and experiences and trust that I will be okay either way.
Would you recommend this course to others and why?
Yes, because it will open your eyes to many factors that may be affecting your ability to make a decision. You’ll feel supported by Ann and the community.
What would you tell a woman who is struggling with not knowing or struggling to decide about motherhood?
It’s okay to “not know.” Or to have mixed feelings. You are not alone. Your life can be great either way.
Read other stories in the Seeking Clarity series...
© 2017 Ann Davidman
Work in a supportive group setting with other women who are seeking clarity during the four-month Online Group Motherhood Clarity Course.
Learn more
September 19, 2017
"He wants a baby. I don't."
It can be difficult for an individual to know their desire about parenthood, understand how that desire evolved, and then make a decision about what path they will take. Putting two people on that journey can make it doubly difficult, especially when the people feel they're heading in opposite directions.
If you and your partner are disagreeing about whether you want to be parents or live a childfree life, then understanding the depth of each other’s desire with care and respect is very important. It isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing with each other’s desire. It’s about understanding the what’s and whys of each other’s desire.
Below is an exercise I offer to clients who feel they're in a stalemate over their parenthood decision. Ideally, one of the two have read Motherhood-Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity or taken my Motherhood Clarity Course™ or the Fatherhood Clarity Course™ so that one of them is clear on their desire. Regardless of their previous experience, this exercise encourages partners to be open to each other. Even if you already have a sense of what you’d like your decision to be, take a step back to a place of being open to your position changing. Let yourself relax into not being so sure.
Exercise: How to Find Common Ground When You and Your Partner Disagree About Becoming Parents1) On your own, each of you think about what you want and why. Do this for yourself not because you need to defend your position but so that you can know yourself and be honest with yourself. This will take as long as it takes but you can’t move forward until each of you is honest with yourself about what you want and why you want it. Having a conversation without clarity of desire will be a waste of your time and will keep the conversation looping. Once both of you can articulate what you want and why then share that with each other using the instructions in the next step.
2) Share your thoughts following these directions:
Set a timer for 10 minutes and have one person go first and talk about what you want and why and what it means to you. Share your hopes and dreams and make it about you.Keep in mind that you are not making a presentation to sell. You are asking your partner to hold space for your vulnerability. You are inviting them into your heart and expecting them to be caring and respectful of you.During this 10 minutes only one person is talking. The sharer gets the entire 10 minutes without interruption and without questions. If you feel like you are finished before the 10 minutes is up, then sit in silence until the end your time.If it’s your turn to listen, then look lovingly and interested at your partner. If there is silence let the silence be there. You as the listener might have questions but save them for now.Then switch roles. If it’s your turn to talk, this is not the time to comment on anything the previous person just said. Make sure each person gets a turn before either of you asks any questions.3) Now you each get 5 minutes to recap or make additions. At this point, there is still no asking questions of each other.
4) Then ask each other, “Is there anything that I said that you don’t fully understand and want to understand better? If so what is it?” Give yourself as much time as you need with this step.
This process is supposed to feel good. If you find you’re feeling defensive or getting upset then take a break. Or set the timer for 5 min. each so that you can talk about what’s coming up for you or what you’re feeling. Remember that when you’re using the timer only one person is talking and the other person is listening.
5) When you can resume to a place where you’re feeling more calm, then share with each other what you’ve heard the other person say about what they want and why. When you’re done ask, “Did I get it right? Do you feel I’m understanding you and holding your thoughts and feelings accurately?”
Then go back and forth until you both can answer yes to that question.
6) Immediately after, do the following writing assignment.
a. What would it take for you to say YES to parenthood and feel good about it? (Think about what you’d have to change inside of you for you to choose parenthood and feel good about it or what you’d have to know or believe about yourself to decide to become a parent and feel good about it?)
b. What would it take for you to say YES to a childfree life and feel good about it? (Think about what you’d have to change inside of you for you to choose a childfree life and feel good about it or what you’d have to know or believe about yourself to decide to live a childfree life and feel good about it?)
When you’ve completed your writing, read your answers out loud to each other.
7) Let all of this settle for a few days and notice your own personal feelings that are surfacing and give yourself space to feel all your feelings without judgment.
8) You’ve now set the stage to have a discussion that involves sharing what you’d like the decision to be, which could include conditions. This is the time to ask questions and maybe challenge each other’s beliefs but not from a judgmental place.
© 2017 Ann Davidman
Need help discovering your desire about parenthood?Let Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Parenting be your guide.
As a woman who has success and fulfillment in most areas of life, it was hard for me to admit that this decision was ripping me apart inside... I needed help; as it turns out, this book and Denise and Ann's program helped me in much bigger ways than I could have imagined.... I can now own what I want. I will attest to the fact that there is no "agenda" in this book. For those concerned of bias in one direction or another about your decision to be a parent, put that reservation aside. I could not recommend this book more highly.
- An Amazon reviewer
Learn More
How to find common ground when you and your partner disagree about becoming parents
It can be difficult for an individual to know their desire about parenthood, understand how that desire evolved, and then make a decision about what path they will take. Putting two people on that journey can make it doubly difficult, especially when the people feel they're heading in opposite directions.
If you and your partner are disagreeing about whether you want to be parents or live a childfree life, then understanding the depth of each other’s desire with care and respect is very important. It isn’t about agreeing or disagreeing with each other’s desire. It’s about understanding the what’s and whys of each other’s desire.
Below is an exercise I offer to clients who feel they're in a stalemate over their parenthood decision. Ideally, one of the two have read Motherhood-Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity or taken my Motherhood Clarity Course™ or the Fatherhood Clarity Course™ so that one of them is clear on their desire. Regardless of their previous experience, this exercise encourages partners to be open to each other. Even if you already have a sense of what you’d like your decision to be, take a step back to a place of being open to your position changing. Let yourself relax into not being so sure.
Exercise: Finding Common Ground When You and Your Partner Disagree About Becoming Parents1) On your own, each of you think about what you want and why. Do this for yourself not because you need to defend your position but so that you can know yourself and be honest with yourself. This will take as long as it takes but you can’t move forward until each of you is honest with yourself about what you want and why you want it. Having a conversation without clarity of desire will be a waste of your time and will keep the conversation looping. Once both of you can articulate what you want and why then share that with each other using the instructions in the next step.
2) Share your thoughts following these directions:
Set a timer for 10 minutes and have one person go first and talk about what you want and why and what it means to you. Share your hopes and dreams and make it about you.Keep in mind that you are not making a presentation to sell. You are asking your partner to hold space for your vulnerability. You are inviting them into your heart and expecting them to be caring and respectful of you.During this 10 minutes only one person is talking. The sharer gets the entire 10 minutes without interruption and without questions. If you feel like you are finished before the 10 minutes is up, then sit in silence until the end your time.If it’s your turn to listen, then look lovingly and interested at your partner. If there is silence let the silence be there. You as the listener might have questions but save them for now.Then switch roles. If it’s your turn to talk, this is not the time to comment on anything the previous person just said. Make sure each person gets a turn before either of you asks any questions.3) Now you each get 5 minutes to recap or make additions. At this point, there is still no asking questions of each other.
4) Then ask each other, “Is there anything that I said that you don’t fully understand and want to understand better? Is so what is it?” Give yourself as much time as you need with this step.
This process is supposed to feel good. If you find you’re feeling defensive or getting upset then take a break. Or set the timer for 5 min. each so that you can talk about what’s coming up for you or what you’re feeling. Remember that when you’re using the timer only one person is talking and the other person is listening.
5) When you can resume to a place where you’re feeling more calm, then share with each other what you’ve heard the other person say about what they want and why. When you’re done ask, “Did I get it right? Do you feel I’m understanding you and holding your thoughts and feelings accurately?”
Then go back and forth until you both can answer yes to that question.
6) Immediately after, do the following writing assignment.
a. What would it take for you to say YES to parenthood and feel good about it? (Think about what you’d have to change inside of you for you to choose parenthood and feel good about it or what you’d have to know or believe about yourself to decide to become a parent and feel good about it?)
b. What would it take for you to say YES to a childfree life and feel good about it? (Think about what you’d have to change inside of you for you to choose a childfree life and feel good about it or what you’d have to know or believe about yourself to decide to live a childfree life and feel good about it?)
When you’ve completed your writing, read your answers out loud to each other.
7) Let all of this settle for a few days and notice your own personal feelings that are surfacing and give yourself space to feel all your feelings without judgment.
8) You’ve now set the stage to have a discussion that involves sharing what you’d like the decision to be, which could include conditions. This is the time to ask questions and maybe challenge each other’s beliefs but not from a judgmental place.
© 2017 Ann Davidman
Need help discovering your desire about parenthood?Let Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Parenting be your guide.As a woman who has success and fulfillment in most areas of life, it was hard for me to admit that this decision was ripping me apart inside... I needed help; as it turns out, this book and Denise and Ann's program helped me in much bigger ways than I could have imagined.... I can now own what I want. I will attest to the fact that there is no "agenda" in this book. For those concerned of bias in one direction or another about your decision to be a parent, put that reservation aside. I could not recommend this book more highly.
- An Amazon reviewer
Learn More
September 12, 2017
HelloFlo Profiles Motherhood Clarity Course
It was wonderful to be contacted by Chanel Dubofsky of HelloFlo.com, who wanted to discuss the values and advantages of the Motherhood Clarity Course. The article turned out to be a wonderful profile of the course from a writer who really understood and cared about the course's mission. My absolute favorite line is in the last paragraph:
" Ultimately, what’s most radical about the Motherhood Clarity Course is not even whether or not it leads to a decision about motherhood – it’s that a space has been created to encourage women to connect with what they do and don’t want, especially in regard to something as ingrained as being a parent."
Check out the full article:
Courtesy HelloFlo.com
Can A Class Help You Figure Out If You Want To Be A Mom?
Everyone should get the chance to figure out what they really want.
by Chanel Dubofsky
You either know that you want kids, or you know that you don’t. Right? There’s no middle ground, no ambivalence, that’s how people with vaginas are. We are either consumed by baby fever, or we’re childfree, i.e. cold and vacant, with no maternal instincts. The reality, of course, is that how we feel about having kids exists on a continuum, and that not knowing if you want them is a completely natural (and understandable) state.
There are, of course, reasons one might feel pressured to figure it out sooner rather than later. You have a partner who is certain one way or the other, your parents want you to figure it out, you’re becoming keenly aware of the reality of reproductive time, fertility, etc. Maybe you’re exhausted by or ashamed of not knowing, because it seems like everyone around you does know. If only there existed a space where you could talk to other women who weren’t sure if they wanted kids, where you could be open about your fears and hesitation, where you could get really real with yourself, and maybe even arrive at the conclusion that’s right for you.
In 1991, Marriage and Family therapist Ann Davidman and psychotherapist Denise L. Carlini created a course called “Motherhood – Is It For Me?,” designed to help women who were ambivalent about having kids figure out what was true for them.... (Click to continue reading.)
September 5, 2017
"I found out that I was pregnant. I knew I needed help processing this news."
Photo by Trevor Brown on Unsplash
When women seek me out to get clarity on choosing a life with children or choosing a childfree life, they usually have time to decide. Even if they feel time pressure because of their age or a relationship that's about to end, they still have a few months.
But when a woman contacts me and tells me she is pregnant and needs to make the decision within a few weeks to terminate or carry this child to term, she doesn’t have the luxury of a 14-week program. That doesn't mean she can't take steps toward discovering her desire.
Today, I continue the series, Seeking Clarity: Interviews with Women Who Sought and Found Their Answer to the Motherhood Question with a a client who needed to find her answer quickly.
In January 2016, I received an email from a woman looking for guidance:
"I recently found out I am pregnant, which was quite unexpected as I was told I would always have fertility issues. I am now faced with the incredibly difficult decision, along with my husband, whether to proceed with this pregnancy or not. I have always been undecided about motherhood, perhaps ambivalent is the right way to describe it.... I recognize no one can make this decision for me but I am having a really hard time sorting through my true feelings on motherhood and would love some help."
The way I counsel a woman in this situation is different than the way I counsel women who have more time. What we go on is what she knows now:
Do you want to want to be a mom and raise a child?Do you want to want to live a childfree life?Do you feel disappointed that you’re in this situation?Do you know that you’ll be a good mother if you decide yes to motherhood?Do you know that you’re life will be good if you don’t raise children?Do you have a fulfilled life right now? What does a fulfilled life look like and feel like?Do you believe one can have a satisfying life whether you parent children or not?What would it take to decide yes to motherhood and it feel good to you? What would it take to decide yes to a childfree life and it feel good to you?After hearing from this woman again in August 2017, I asked if I could share her story with you. Please read on...
Why did you reach out to Ann Davidman, Motherhood Clarity Mentor, for help?
I found out, quite unexpectedly, that I was pregnant in January 2016 and knew I needed help processing this news in the days that followed.
I had been advised in my late teens that if and when I wanted to get pregnant, I would likely need medical intervention of some sort due to a common hormonal condition called Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS). I guess you could say that my husband and I took this advice for granted over the years, believing that it was near impossible for me to become pregnant, as I never had regular cycles or normal signs of fertility. Needless to say that because of all this, we were completely and utterly shocked to find out we had conceived.
While there are many women who would be absolutely thrilled to find out such news, I was quite the opposite. I was terrified, panicked, anxious, overwhelmed and truly in a state of shock. I had been fairly certain my entire life that I would likely never pursue having children. I just didn’t feel the same calling that so many women seem to speak. I wasn’t drawn to children in the same way I saw many of my peers were and my perception of motherhood was not a positive one. Now I found myself in a time sensitive position that required a decision about this pregnancy, one that would change my life forever either way.
It was in this place of desperation that I began to scour the Internet for any information for women like myself, who truly didn’t know whether they ever wanted to become a mother. Thankfully I found Ann’s site and booked an appointment immediately.
What were you hoping would happen by consulting with Ann?
I knew Ann could not make the decision for me but I was hoping she could help me sort through my feelings and thoughts about it. I needed an impartial third party to talk through my concerns, worries and beliefs about the subject.
What surprised you most or what was most helpful about your consultation with Ann?
I guess you could say I was surprised that after just one session I was able to gain such clarity on my decision going forward. While she remained impartial about what decision I should make, she helped me uncover my true feelings about motherhood and all it entails.
Where did you end up and were you satisfied with the consultation?
In the end, I was able to come to the conclusion that I did want to see my pregnancy through and become a mother. My husband and I joyfully welcomed a baby girl to the world in 2016. I was absolutely satisfied with the consultation, 100%.
What kind of process did you have with yourself and your partner after the consultation?
We had many, many heartfelt discussions about what motherhood/parenthood would mean for us both and how we felt about it. I was able to better articulate and pinpoint my areas of concern and ambiguity, which helped us ultimately make the final decision that was right for me and us as a family.
Would you recommend the Motherhood Clarity Course™ to others and why?
Yes, absolutely. While I only had time for one session to the situation I was in, my time with Ann was totally worth it.
What would you tell a woman who is struggling with not knowing or struggling to decide about motherhood?
I would tell a woman who is struggling with this topic that what she is feeling is completely normal. I always found it frustrating that it is often assumed that all women just have a natural, innate desire to become a mother. I certainly didn’t and in fact, I leaned towards not ever having children for the majority of my life.
I also found it perplexing that there is virtually no information out there for women who are undecided about the topic (aside from Ann’s website of course!), knowing that if I felt this way there had to be others out there who were in the same boat. It is something I feel many women feel uncomfortable or even embarrassed to admit to others, yet shouldn’t be.
I would also tell her that she owes it to herself to really explore her feelings on motherhood before coming to a final decision. There is no wrong answer to the question of motherhood – if you decide you do want to pursue having a child, great. However, if you decide motherhood just isn’t something you want to pursue, that is perfectly okay as well. You can lead a happy and fulfilling life either way.
Read other stories in the Seeking Clarity series...
© 2017 Ann Davidman
Denise L. Carlini and Ann Davidman co-authored, Motherhood-Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity. The Motherhood Clarity Course™ is based on this original program, which they created in 1991.
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August 29, 2017
"I was someone who had always wanted to be a mother."
Photo by Sébastien Marchand on Unsplash
Today, I continue the series, Seeking Clarity: Interviews with Women Who Sought and Found Their Answer to the Motherhood Question with a conversation with a client who thought she always knew her answer.
The unanswered question of do I or don’t I become a mother may be the most life-defining decision a woman can make. The women asking it are an invisible population of courageously conscientious, brilliant, lovely women who are not willing to settle for "It’ll work out," "I’ll just see what happens," "I’ll just do it," or "I’ll do what you want." I have no judgment of any woman’s decision or her process of getting there. I just want to create a supportive space so that these women who struggle in silence can understand that they are not alone.
Why did you take the Online Group Motherhood Clarity Course (MCC)?
I was someone who had always wanted to be a mother (100%). But then, when I was in my late twenties, I embarked on a process of care-taking both of my parents who were dying from terminal illnesses. The whole process was about 10 years long, and by the end of it, I was in my late 30s and something in me had just shut down around having children. I needed to tease apart what was a response to grieving and what was actually my true desire around children. It felt time-sensitive because of my age. I had good friends (a husband and wife) who had gone through the Motherhood and Fatherhood Clarity Courses and highly recommended it so I signed up!
What were you hoping would happen by taking the MCC?
I wanted to come to a very clear decision around whether I wanted children or not. And to feel totally resolved in whatever I decided.
What surprised you most or what was most helpful about the MCC?
The process was nothing like what I expected. I found the approach so interesting because it helps you circumvent the usual "Do I or don't I want children?" questioning which naturally comes with this decision. The exercises help you circumvent that dichotomy and get into the underlying issues of why you might have confusion or ambivalence about having kids. The exercises definitely got me out of my thinking mind - which was paralyzed by the decision - and into a more feeling, understanding, and exploring mindset, which helped me realize the deeper part of myself which was struggling with this decision.
Where did you end up and were you satisfied with the course?
I ended up deciding that I wanted to have children. Ironically, I am still not sure if that will happen, mostly because of my age, but it helped me find a direction to head in. It's still been bumpy, and I still experience ambivalence sometimes, but our (my husband and my) general trajectory is towards trying to have a baby.
Would you recommend this course to others and why?
Absolutely. This course, and this work, is so needed in a world where women now have the freedom to really choose whether parenthood is right for them. It's a very challenging decision and one with many layers. There are no other programs out there that I have found that really help women (and men) who are struggling with this decision to get at the heart of what is going on for them.
What would you tell a woman who is struggling with not knowing or struggling to decide?
That there is nothing wrong with you for struggling with this incredibly complex decision. Your capacity to question this decision is a sign of maturity and will actually help you live your life more consciously whether you decide for or against having a child.
© 2017 Ann Davidman
The Motherhood Clarity Course™ is based on the original Motherhood-Is it for me? ™ program created in 1991 by Denise L. Carlini and Ann Davidman.
Seeking Your Own Clarity?Sign up now for the Online Group Motherhood Clarity Course. Sign up by August 31 and save $50!
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August 22, 2017
Seeking Clarity: A New Interview Series
Photo by Jessica Furtney on Unsplash
I am happy today to premiere a new series, Seeking Clarity: Interviews with Women Who Sought and Found Their Answer to the Motherhood Question. Recently, I began asking clients why they signed up for the Motherhood Clarity Course, and I was astonished by the variety of answers. People come to the course from a variety of backgrounds with a variety of experiences and understandings. These powerful women have allowed me to share their stories with you.
You may or may not see yourself reflected in these stories, which I will be posting individually over the next several months. Regardless, I believe you will find it easy to empathize with each woman's particular challenges and conclusions. You may also find new insight into your own situation. What I enjoy about my Online Group Motherhood Clarity Course is the opportunity for the women to learn from each other. I believe our first clarity seeker has wonderful insights to share with you. Please read on...
Why did you take the Online Group Motherhood Clarity Course (MCC)?
My husband always knew he didn't want kids and I never felt strongly about it so I thought I’d be okay to go along with his desire. At some point, I started thinking that I might want to be a mother, which caused a lot of friction in our relationship. We had frequent heated discussions that left us both feeling hurt, angry, and uncertain about the future. I reached out to Ann to help me figure out what I really wanted, which would help me approach my husband with greater clarity.
What were you hoping would happen by taking the MCC?
I was hoping I would come to a better understanding of whether I really wanted kids or not. I wasn't sure if I would leave the course with a clear "outcome" (Yes or No to having kids), but I needed the space and time and guidance to reflect on my desires.
What surprised you most or what was most helpful about the MCC?
I was surprised by how much my conflicted relationship with my mother was impacting my decision on becoming a mom myself. This raised a lot of unresolved areas that I needed to work through, during and after the course. Most helpful was Ann's guidance in the one-to-one private calls included in the course and the group calls on how to think about these feelings that were coming up, acknowledging that they were actually totally relevant to my decision, not just an aside. Hearing other's experiences and thought processes helped me flesh out my own thinking.
Where did you end up and were you satisfied with the course?
I ended up with a greater depth of understanding on how I'm feeling about becoming a mom. It allowed me to process a lot of my own feelings, so subsequent conversations with my husband have been much less heated because I am less defensive and less unsure of my position. We are still thinking and talking about it, but are in a better position to do so now than before the course.
Would you recommend this course to others and why?
Absolutely, and I already have recommended it to several people. It's such a valuable opportunity to check in with ourselves on how we're truly feeling, separate from other people's expectations and hopes and fears. It's still a taboo subject and hard to talk about with friends and family, so having access to a group of women who are all wrestling with it was so helpful.
What would you tell a woman who is struggling with not knowing or struggling to decide?
Take your time and space to tune in and explore your own desires. It may not be as easy or straightforward as you'd like, but in the process, you'll learn more about yourself and develop a greater ability to listen to your inner voice - which is helpful in any situation.
Seeking Your Own Clarity?Sign up now for the Online Group Motherhood Clarity Course. Sign up by August 31 and save $50!
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August 8, 2017
The Advantage of Ambivalence (and the Downside of Certainty)
Certainty can look good in the face of not having it. When you feel vulnerable, are in emotional pain, and yearn for clarity, it’s easy to imagine that someone who is expressing certainty is having the experience you want. This is called "projection." We project on to someone what we want and believe is happening inside of them when, really, we don’t actually know what they're experiencing at all. It’s very unlikely that they’re experiencing what you want, and we can only know what we want and what we are feeling.
You really can’t know what another person is experiencing unless you ask them. But your imagination can run wild thinking that you do know, and then the icing on the cake is that you use your imagination—whatever you projected—to affirm something about yourself that isn’t true. Your projections might convince you that something is wrong with you.
How can it be that so many people just know what they want when it comes to deciding about children and parenthood? Well, maybe they don’t know as much as it appears. When a friend presents certainty to you—when they present that they know they want to live a childfree life or raise children or become a parent—it can feel like they have something you don’t have. And you want what they have— immediately. Then you might feel that something’s wrong with you or you’re not wired correctly. So of course you covet the certainty your friend has.
But hold your horses—you might not want what they have, or shall we say, what you perceive they have.
We’ll come back in a moment to why you probably don’t want what you think they have. But first let’s look at what you do have. You have questions without answers. You have a drive or maybe even an urgency to know the answers to your questions. You feel a deep desire to know your truth around this issue. You’re motivated. You’re hungry. You have an appetite for the truth. You’ve crossed a line where you can’t go back to “I’ll do whatever someone else wants me to do.” You won’t settle for unexplored beliefs you might have had. You must know your truth, whatever it is. This is all good to have.
In fact, most women I’ve talked with have said knowing their truth about which path to take was more important than the path itself. Ultimately, they don’t really care which path they choose; they just want it to be based on their truth and not someone else’s. No tag-along Trudy here.
Even if you feel right now that you want to want to be a mom or you want to want to live a childfree life, what you really want (according to what many women have said) is to know what’s true for you so you can move forward in your life confidently. After that, you can face anything. And your determination or desire to know your truth means that you need to start exploring why you don’t know what you don’t know. You’re ready to turn over every stone to find answers. You’re ready to do the hard work of self-exploration. Before you read on, take a moment to acknowledge your courage—being undecided is a good thing, because self-exploration leads to more self-knowledge, which can only translate into more fulfillment, whatever your choice.
Ok, now back to why you might not want what others have or imagine they have.
You hear certainty when you hear your friends or other people declare one of these statements:
“I’ve always known I wanted children.”“I’ve always known I don’t want kids.”“I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother.”“I’ve never questioned being a mother.”“Being a parent isn’t anything I’ve ever wanted.”“It never occurred to me to have a life without children.”“When we got married we knew we’d have children. It was never a question.”“When we got married we knew we wanted a childfree life. It was never a question.”But you don’t know what those statements mean to them or how they feel about it. You might pick up on a sense of peace of mind that their certainty (real or perceived) allows them. Maybe that’s what’s appealing. You might actually want their peace of mind or their calm state more than you want their known declaration. You don’t know if their certainty comes from a place of self-exploration or a place of reactivity or a place of assumptions yet to be explored. To be fair, a caveat: I’m talking about the masses of people who don’t explore why they want to become parents or why they don’t. They say they know, but if you ask them about it they often can’t talk about what they said in any kind of detail. They probably don’t know why they want what they say they feel certain about—they have unexplored certainty.
That’s why you don’t want what they have—because unexplored certainty is likely to be temporary. Without strong understanding about where the certainty comes from and why it’s held, disappointment, grief, regret, may follow down the road, along with and confusion about why they made their choice.
Where might unexplored certainty come from? Starting from a very young age we make decisions based on our experiences, and when those decisions don’t get challenged we internalize them as if they’re true. We made these decisions and set our beliefs at a young age for what was a good reason at the time, so they rarely do get questioned later.
For example, if you’re raised in a home where you’re exposed to the idea that all little girls grow up to be mommies and no information about other paths is introduced, it’s easy to internalize that message—that all girls will be mommies—as a truth. Even though you do have a choice about it, the idea that there’s a choice may never enter your mind. The inadvertent message then becomes the norm. No explanations are given—it’s just the way it is, and it never gets questioned. You go on with your life assuming that you’ll be a mom. Then one day, with no questions asked, you do become a mom. When you enter parenthood like this you’re more likely than someone who has explored the issue to experience issues and to find yourself asking, why did I become a mom?
Imagine what might happen if a pause button had been pushed and we were all asked, “Do you really want to live a childfree life, become a mother, a parent or a step-parent?” And, “Why do you want that?”
There is no risk in putting aside a truth, in examining it, because at the end of the day—after you’ve explored every aspect or angle of your decision—your truth just might get stronger inside you. If it still feels right, you’ll likely have added new information that solidifies your truth. Or you might discover that your decision was based on information that was true at one time but is no longer true, or that once was relevant but is no longer relevant. If it’s really your truth, then it won’t change. And if it’s true but it changes, you’ll likely have a deeper understanding why you want what you want.
I once worked with a man who wanted to do the Fatherhood Clarity Course™ because his wife had completed the one-on-one Motherhood Clarity Course ™ and he felt that she did her due diligence so he wanted to do his as well. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to become a mother, while he was quite clear he wanted to become a father, and he was a bit more urgent about it than his wife. Although he “knew” he wanted to be a father, he was willing to put his certainty aside while he went through the program. He trusted that there wasn’t a risk in putting aside his truth. When he completed the program, he still wanted to be a father, but what surprised him was that the reason he wanted to be a father had changed and he was no longer urgent about it.
Questioning certainty is about knowing yourself. Hearing unexamined certainty from yourself or another, it’s easy not to ask questions. But what if no matter how certain a person felt they questioned their certainty—not to defend their position or because they owe anyone an explanation, but rather so they could understand where the certainty came from and whether it was, in fact, their truth.
It takes courage to pause and look underneath an unexamined certainty. We do that at the risk of discovering that maybe we’re not so certain. But the benefit of examining our certainty is that we can know that the path we are on—the choice we’ve made—is based not on some projected idea but rather on our own truth.
© 2017 Ann Davidman
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