Ann Davidman's Blog, page 7
September 3, 2019
Are Motherhood Clarity Coaches Needed? Ann Discusses with SheKnows.Com
Writer Marshall Bright of SheKnows.com freely admits that she had a lot of skepticism when she first started researching my Motherhood Clarity program. As a woman who has always known she wanted children, Marshall thought what A LOT of people think:
“Well, if you have to pay someone $300+ to figure it out, maybe you don’t want kids.”
But as we spoke, there was a crucial part of my coaching method that helped her — as she described it — “get it.” It was my effort to help women figure out their DESIRE before they make a DECISION.
“My knowing I wanted to be a mom is being aware of my desire, which is strong, but ultimately not the same as a decision. It is simply a kind of clarity that every woman, whatever they wind up doing, deserves to have.”
It’s fascinating to read from Marshall’s point of view how her understanding of the Motherhood Clarity program changed. Her original POV isn’t unique; it’s the same shared by many people who haven’t considered their internalized and — many times — unintended biases about women and motherhood.
Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article:
Photo by Silvestri Matteo on Unsplash
This “Motherhood Clarity Coach” Helps Millennials Decide Whether to Have Kids
By Marshall Bright
This is what people will tell you about deciding to have kids:
It’s the best thing you’ll ever do.
Just don’t do it.
There’s no good time so you have to jump.
If you’re not sure, it’s not for you.
And, to those who know they don’t want kids: You’ll change your mind.
But even with the endless stream of advice so often hurled at the partnered and childless, I was still skeptical when I found out there is such a thing as a “motherhood clarity coach.” Ann Davidman started working with women — those who weren’t sure whether they wanted kids — 25 years ago. Today, she runs an online course, both private and one-on-one, for those making that same decision.
When I started researching her, I’ll admit I even said out loud: “Well, if you have to pay someone $300+ to figure it out, maybe you don’t want kids.” (Click to continue reading.)
Need help figuring out your DESIRE so you can make a DECISION?Sign up for the Motherhood Clarity Course . Discover what is right for you!
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July 20, 2019
Help Me Change How Women Ambivalent About Motherhood Are Treated at the Doctor's Office
Photo by Leio McLaren (@leiomclaren) on Unsplash
I’ve been invited to speak at one of the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) annual conferences, where I will help doctors understand their implicit biases about motherhood.
This is a dream come true for me because I’ve always known this is where change can happen. At a doctor’s office is where women receive information about their fertility and contraception. And sometimes, a doctor’s office is the only space where women can talk about what feels shameful. This needs to be a place where woman can get the message that they have choices about motherhood, be reassured that it’s okay to be ambivalent about it, and receive the resources to help them figure it out.
From the OB-GYN’s office is where we can spearhead changing the implicit biases about motherhood we’ve all received from living in a pro-natalist society.
I’d love your help. Click here or the button below to take a 10-question survey; the questions will allow me to more fully understand what women currently face when they visit their OB-GYN. Feel free to skip any questions that are uncomfortable or do not apply. If you’re short on time, then simply answering question number 9 would be a tremendous help.
Thank you for your contribution,
Ann
Take survey now!
April 9, 2019
"How to Start Figuring Out If You Want to Have Kids": Ann Talks to Lifehacker.com
This wonderful Washington Post article has created a lot of opportunities to share my message with other media outlets and podcasts — more on that in the months to come — and the first person to contact me was Aimée Lutkin of Lifehacker.com.
She had a super question from her Lifehacker readers: “How do you start figuring out if you want to have kids?”
Starting is often the hardest part, isn’t it?
I gave Aimée three tips to starting this process if you’re stuck in indecision, as well as the following advice:
The biggest issue is trying to figure out what you want and what you’re going to do at the same time. The two have to be separated. The decision has to be put on hold while you spend time discovering your desire.
Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article:
Photo by Pawel Nolbert on Unsplash
How to Start Figuring Out if You Want to Have Kids
By Aimée Lutkin
Being able to make an active decision to have or not have kids is an enormous privilege. It can also be one of the most difficult decisions you make. Ann Davidman is a marriage and family therapist who works as a “Motherhood Clarity Mentor” for people struggling with this choice, and she shared some of her tips on the process with Lifehacker.
The Washington Post recently interviewed Davidman and other therapists working in the same arena, a well as clients who felt that they made peace with their decision after seeking therapy. Davidman has an extensive process she takes clients through, and the book she co-authored with therapist Denise L. Carlini called Motherhood — Is It for Me? Your Step-By-Step Guide to Clarity, leads readers through 12 weeks of exercises.
In an email to Lifehacker, Davidman warns that the decision is never simple, and the exercises she’s designed are meant to build on one another. But she has a few tips for how people begin to approach their choice for anyone who has begun to ask themselves if having kids is right for them. (Click to continue reading.)
Need more help figuring out if you want to be a parent?Sign up for the Motherhood Clarity Course or Fatherhood Clarity Course . Discover what is right for you!
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March 18, 2019
Ann Discusses Parenthood-Indecision Therapists with The Washington Post
I was so glad to be contacted by Caitlan Gibson of The Washington Post for this beautifully written article about parenthood-indecision therapists. While I am a licensed marriage and family therapist, I prefer the term Motherhood Clarity Mentor when working in this particular space. I’ve been doing this work for almost 30 years, and I’m so glad it’s finally getting the attention it deserves.
This is one of my favorite paragraphs from the article:
But a motherhood clarity mentor is nothing like the well-intentioned auntie who coos, “Oh, honey, of course you should have a baby,” or the sleep-starved mom friend who sternly warns, “If you’re not totally sure, you better not.” A parental indecision therapist isn’t interested in adding one more voice to the cacophony. She wants you to learn to listen to your own.
Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article:
Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash
Deciding whether to have kids has never been more complex. Enter parenthood-indecision therapists.
By Caitlin Gibson
They arrive anxious for an answer. Or maybe, finally, a sense of peace. They arrive because they haven’t been able to resolve the biggest question of their lives: Do I want to be a parent? And so they come to the California therapy practice of Ann Davidman — by plane, by car, by phone — in the hope that the self-titled “motherhood clarity mentor” might deliver an epiphany.
Next comes a simple instruction: Write down every fear, every loaded question, every disapproving comment and every panic-inducing headline that has coalesced into a stranglehold of indecision.
Will my mom be disappointed if I don’t give her a grandchild?
What kind of world will my kid grow up in?
Will I regret it if I don’t have a baby?
Will I regret it if I do have a baby?
Then: “You put them all away in an envelope,” Davidman says. “These are really important issues, but we just don’t want to talk about them right now. When you’re considering all those external factors prematurely without knowing what you want and why you want it, they just get in the way.” (Click to continue reading.)
Unsure Whether You Want to Be a Parent?Our book Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity can help.
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February 19, 2019
Ann Shares Message of Parenthood Choice with Fatherly.com
It was wonderful to talk with Aaron Stern from Fatherly.com to share the important message that everyone has a choice about becoming a parent. It is an individual decision and one that my Motherhood Clarity Course and Fatherhood Clarity Course help people find clarity on if their struggling with this issue.
I was also able to share with Aaron that while the courses and book help people come to a decision regarding parenting, they also help people understand their decision-making process and why sometimes they feel “stuck” when making big decisions.
So…it’s a process of looking at your fears and the real externals in your life — finances, relationship, your age, all the things — and identifying all of that so you can put it aside and not entertain it at all while you go through a process of first discovering what you want for you without having to consider anything outside of you.
Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article:
Photo by Zachary Young on Unsplash
Not Sure If You Want Kids? This Therapist Will Help You DecideFor 30 years, family therapist Ann Davidman has helped men and women figure out if they really, truly want to be parents.
By Aaron Stern
Not all of us enter adulthood knowing innately that we want to have children. Many people struggle to acknowledge to themselves — let alone others — their uncertainty about what is often assumed to be the most logical step of adulthood. How do you know if you really want to be a father?
Ann Davidman has worked for 30 years to change that. A family therapist by trade, Davidman is one of a growing number of consultants who help would-be mothers and fathers answer one of the toughest questions they’ll ever ask themselves: to be a parent, or not? Davidman’s program, which she created with another family therapist, Denise L. Carlini, is called Motherhood – Is it for Me?, and the two co-authored a book based on the course, Motherhood. Is it for Me? Your Step by Step Guide to Clarity, that guides readers through the clarity course, going far beyond the perceived pros and cons of parenthood and instead turning attention inward to better know their desires and motivations. Davidman says the book is just as much for fathers, and she has long offered a less-advertised Fatherhood Clarity Course, as well, that offers the same services but aimed at men.
So how does Davidman help men cut through the noise and decide whether or not they actually do want to be fathers? Fatherly spoke to Davidman about her program, the difference between desire and decision, and why, in order to know what we truly want for the future, you have to look backwards… (Click to continue reading.)
To Be or Not To Be A Dad?Discover which is right for you. Sign up for the Fatherhood Clarity Course to discover what you truly want.
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December 10, 2018
"Neither of us knew what this would mean for our marriage..."
Photo by Iswanto Arif on Unsplash
One of the most popular Seeking Clarity blogs on my website is from a husband who felt he knew he wanted to be a father and whose wife was struggling with ambivalence about motherhood.
(Excerpt from "Her Desire and Mine Were At Odds..."): I initially didn't feel that I needed to do much work to determine my "desire": "I know I want kids; what else do I need to figure out?!" My wife kept repeating a question I assume she learned from taking the Motherhood Clarity Course (MCC): "But what about parenting do you want? What appeals to you? What does it mean to you?"
I didn't really like these questions. After some self-reflection and then a session with Ann, I realized I hadn't done the work I needed to do. I realized that my lack of interest in examining these questions actually represented multiple forms of privilege: being a male and wanting something that my culture views as the reasonable next step in my life. Being female and not wanting something she was supposed to want was creating a lot of strain and an unfair burden on my wife; a lopsided experience that kept us from connecting on the level we needed to.
I thought it would be valuable to hear from his wife and discover the unique answer they discovered to meet both of their desires.
Why did you reach out to Ann for help?
I am a mid-30s female and had been vacillating for 7-plus years on the question of whether or not I wanted children. My husband has always been clear about his desire to be a father. For years I had tried to “logic” my way out of my indecision, and was buying into the myth that if I felt reluctant to become a mother, it meant there was something wrong with me… if I could only identify what it was and fix myself, I would want this thing that so many women around me seemed to want. In addition, I also felt fearful that if I didn’t come to the conclusion that I wanted children, my marriage would be unlikely to survive. Instead of leading towards a resolution, these swirling thoughts and feelings were leading to an increasing sense of confusion and frustration.
What were you hoping would happen by taking the MCC?
I wanted to know what I wanted. I wanted to get unstuck.
What surprised you most or what was most helpful about the MCC?
I appreciated the permission to temporarily put aside the pressures of making a decision on motherhood, and truly have a chance to uncover my own truth. I simply wouldn’t have been able to do the work I needed to do without that space. With Ann’s guidance, hearing about other group members’ experiences, and the helpful exercises between sessions, I slowly developed a clearer sense of what I wanted, and why, and was able to articulate this with some confidence for the first time in my life.
Where did you end up and were you satisfied with the course?
For me, I realized that if I were single, or if I was not with a partner who wanted children, my choice at that time would be to live a child-free life. Being able to sit with that truth, and share this with my husband, was both liberating, and came with a deep sense of sadness – neither of us knew what this would mean for our marriage. But we stayed open and vulnerable and seeking. It was now my husband’s turn to do the work to understand what it was about fatherhood that was important to him, and why. Over the course of the past year, we have begun to forge a way forward. We look at each other sometimes and shake our heads, amazed at the path we’ve found that neither of us could have anticipated, but which so far appears to be able to meet both of our needs: We are currently in the process of becoming long-term foster parents to an adolescent refugee child… Everyone’s path is unique. I’m so grateful to have found Ann’s course, which helped me find mine.
Would you recommend this course to others and why?
Absolutely. In fact I have already referred a friend to Ann, who has also found the course to be very helpful.
What would you tell a woman who is struggling with not knowing or struggling to decide?
You are not alone. It is okay to not know, and to give yourself the space you need to find some clarity. Also, the truth of your desire may change over time, and that’s okay too. Thank you so much, Ann.
2018 Update: Hi Ann, I wanted to let you know that 3 weeks ago we had a son join our family. He is a teenager from Afghanistan. He is a total joy, and we are in love. I am filled with wonder, and so grateful to have him in our family. I wouldn't have found this untraditional path to a motherhood that feels so right for me, if it weren't for you. From the bottom of my heart... thank you.
Read other stories from the Seeking Clarity Series…
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September 25, 2018
Ann Discusses the Fatherhood Clarity Course in MEL Magazine
At the heart of both the Motherhood Clarity Course™ and the Fatherhood Clarity Course™ is the process of getting to know yourself better so that you can make one of life’s most important decisions: whether to be a parent or not.
I’ve been helping men discover their answer for almost three decades. While male clarity seekers have specific needs, there are more issues connecting the sexes than separating them on this topic.
What I enjoyed about this article with MEL Magazine is that, while it focuses on the Fatherhood Clarity Course, it goes into a lot of detail about what I provide in both courses. It’s a wonderful overview of the clarity-seeking process.
Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article:
Photo by Danka & Peter on Unsplash
The Counseling Service That Helps Men Determine If They Want to Be Fathers Or NotIt’s called ‘fatherhood clarity mentoring,’ and it aims to make one of the toughest decision in your life a little easier
By Tracy Moore
We used to assume all women were natural mothers, born wanting children from the time they’re little girls. In response, women have increasingly pushed back against this presumption. Many don’t want children at all, or are downright ambivalent about it. Men, though, are typically left out of this equation, presumed to mostly go along with whatever a wife or girlfriend nudges them toward. They are, we seem to think, reluctant fathers at best.
But that stereotype is changing, in no small part because of people like Ann Davidman, a marriage and family therapist in California who has quietly been working with men for decades to help them make their own decisions about if — or when — to be fathers.
Called Parenthood Clarity Mentoring, Davidman originally developed the program with the co-author of her book, Denise L. Carlini. Together they wrote Motherhood — Is It for Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity. The program they developed, which Carlini broke apart from years ago, counsels men and women who hit a range of snags when it comes time to stare down breeding. A recent New York Times profile of Davidman’s work focused on how she helps women sort this all out, but missing was the acknowledgement that she’s also been offering the same services the last 30 years to men, who make up about 20 percent of her client base.... (Click to continue reading.)
To Be or Not To Be A Dad?Discover which is right for you. Sign up for the Fatherhood Clarity Course to discover what you truly want.
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September 18, 2018
Put Aside the Externals to Discover Your Desire About Motherhood
Photo by Lubo Minar on Unsplash
Many things can go into your ambivalence or anxiety about having children:
Fear of pregnancy
Fear of giving birth
Debt
Loving your career
Age
And so many other concerns.
And if I told you to put those issues aside as if they were of no consequence, you’d think I was out of my mind.
How is that even possible?
I was recently quoted in a NYT’s article Scared to Be a Parent? saying, “… the key to clarity is not focusing on external factors, such as being scared of pregnancy or childbirth, concerned about money, or family and societal pressures.”
This statement doesn’t paint the full picture of what Denise L. Carlini and I are trying to convey in our book, Motherhood-Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity.
”We’re not saying your externals are unimportant; rather they’re unimportant right now. What needs to be known first is what you want for yourself regardless of the circumstances of your life. When what you want becomes clear, and it’s time to think about your decision going forward, some of the details of your life will be relevant and others will no longer play an active part in your decision. In the meantime, trying to make a decision based on your internal emotions and the externals in your life at the same time creates all kinds of pressure. Another way this can be said is that trying to figure out your desire and your decision at the same time creates gridlock (page 42).”
If you consider the externals of your life before you have clarity of your desire, the fears that you carry will get in the way of your decision-making process. Considering them prematurely only adds to the confusion.
First, you need to identify the externals before you can put them aside.
Your externals are anything that pull at your attention, whether they’re rational or irrational. Externals fool you into believing that if you can figure them out or resolve them, then you’ll finally be able to decide about parenthood.
The two most common externals are age and relationship status. If you’re partnered and you want something different than your partner, you might be wondering if you should end the relationship to meet someone else. If you're single, you might want to be in a relationship before you become a parent. There are endless scenarios and they all need to be put aside, but only for the duration of the process laid out in our book or until you have clarity of your desire.
Other external issues can be: health issues, career decisions, finances, where to live, when to start a family, political environment, population of the planet, climate change, etc. Each person has their own concerns and they’re different for everyone.
Fears are often entangled in the externals, and the most common fear is the fear of regret. Then there are the fears about pregnancy, giving birth, having a special-needs child, being a good enough mother, sleep deprivation, time constraints, etc. It’s so easy to believe that you need to face and resolve all of these fears before you can decide.
This is not the case. In fact, it’s the opposite.
Putting aside the externals of your life is scary and unnatural. It’s not easy. It doesn’t make sense. And it still must be done. Of course, the reality of your life has to go on. But to consider your externals while you’re exploring your desire will only muddy the waters and get in the way of your true desire.
Women experience internal conflict for many reasons, but growing up in a pro-natalist society where the myth is women are supposed to want children increases women's anxiety. Women can't and shouldn't be painted in such broad strokes. Instead, some women:
feel they’re supposed to want children but don’t.
never wanted children but wish they did.
really don’t want to become a parent but can’t
reconcile how to choose a childfree life.
want to become a parent but don’t feel maternal.
Anything you can think of exists. This is personal, and everyone has their own unique experience of ambivalence.
Make a list of your externals, fold it up, and put it in a jar or envelope that is out of sight and, hopefully, out of mind. Then turn inward to see if you can find what you want for yourself and why.
The very first thing to consider and resolve is the deep knowing of your desire. What do you want—and why—and—what drives it? You want to find out if the truth of your desire is based on a reaction or on a deep knowing inside of you. You don't have to explain your truth to other people; it’s only for you and your connection to yourself so you feel grounded in your truth.
The clearer you are about your desire, the easier it will be to entertain a decision. Then you can navigate the externals in your life and tend to your fears.
Putting aside your externals means you are forced to look within. Looking within can feel scary. But I hope by the time you finish the process in the book or your own personal process, it will be your default. It’s worth the effort. You’re worth the effort. You can do this!
© 2018 Ann Davidman
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September 4, 2018
Ann Discusses Motherhood Indecision in The New York Times
When The New York Times reached out to me for an article about resources for women who are nervous about becoming parents, I was honored when the reporter called me a "pioneer in the field."
Being a "pioneer" was not on my mind when Denise L. Carlini and I started our first "Motherhood - Is It For Me?" support groups in 1991. It was not what we focused on when we wrote the book Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity. My goal has always been to:
Help women be okay with not knowing if motherhood or a childfree life is for them.Assist them on the journey to discover their truth.I'm thrilled that after 27 years, this invisible population of woman who "don't know" is beginning to get visibility. I'm thrilled that there are now multiple resources to help them.
Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article:
Courtesy of The New York Times/Alexandra Bowman
Scared to Be a ParentFear not — there are books and consultants to help you figure out if you even want a child.
By Hannah Seligson
For most of her 30s, Katie Wilson was pretty certain she did not want children. But at 36, there was a looming sense that her fertility window was closing and a wave of anxiety set in about her and her husband’s once-firm decision to remain child free.
“I was having panic attacks, and it was this horrible uncertainty to go through,” Ms. Wilson, now 40, said in a phone interview. To gain some peace of mind, she didn’t seek out traditional one-on-one counseling but instead traveled from Washington, D.C., to Cambridge, Mass., to attend a one-day workshop called the Baby Decision, facilitated by Merle Bombardieri, a clinical social worker in Lexington, Mass., and the author of a book on the subject.
The introspection and exercises led Ms. Wilson back to her original decision to not have a child. “It stopped the swirling, but it made me realize it’s not psychologically unhealthy or rare to have second thoughts about a decision.”... (Click to continue reading.)
Motherhood or childfree?Discover which is right for you. Sign up for the next Online Motherhood Clarity Course to discover your heart's desire.
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July 24, 2018
The Key to Motherhood Clarity: Mindful Decision-making
Photo by Josh Adamski on Unsplash
We're living in a revolutionary age where more and more women embrace that they have a choice about becoming a mother or living a childfree life. This is great news, but the problem isn’t solved.
Now that you know you have a choice between motherhood or childfree, do you know how to make that choice? Do you assume it’s something that you should inherently know or that will just come to you if you wait long enough?
For some of you, this decision will be easy. You know what you want and know why you want it and know how to make it happen. But for many of you, you don’t know what you want or how to figure it out.
For mindful decision-making, you must be able to explore your desire without pressuring yourself to make a decision. That can feel like a tall order; don’t beat yourself up if mindful decision-making doesn't come easy. You have to be able to look within without considering outside factors. Eventually outside factors come into play, but giving them too much weight prematurely prolongs the process of deciding.
Mindfulness is about looking within, learning more about yourself, and being able to face painful truths. In my Motherhood Clarity Course, I lead women through the mindful decision-making process. They learn to:
Understand the difference between present-time desires verses triggers rooted in the past.Discover how triggers keep you stuck in a longing state making it impossible to move forward.Face where it has been difficult to speak your mind.Heal past relationships without the involvement of the other person (especially when it comes to your parents).Mindfulness is about being able to say good-bye to what never got to be and choosing to grieve fully in order to heal. It’s about being honest with yourself about whether you have healthy or unhealthy boundaries. Do you say no when you need to and want to? Are you willing to walk the talk of being mindful? It’s about being truthful with yourself. This is what is involved in discovering your desire about becoming a mother or living a childfree life. Once that is known you take all of that information and entertain a decision, but not one minute sooner.
© 2018 Ann Davidman
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