Ann Davidman's Blog, page 6

Ann Talks About the Pain of Motherhood Ambivalence with ABC News Australia

Photo by Chad Madden on Unsplash

Forging a path through the agony of motherhood ambivalence

By Samantha Selinger-Morris

For 10 years, Tory Shepherd felt plagued by an uneasy feeling that stalked her, like a watchful cat. Should she have children? Or not?

For as long as the Adelaide-based journalist could remember, she'd never wanted to become a mother.

But as she grew up, started her career and got married, people in her life began to voice their opinions.

There was her mother, who joked about switching her contraceptive pill with sugar pills, and her husband who, despite initially agreeing with her about not wanting children, later decided he wanted to be a parent.

Along with comments from others, they made Shepherd, now 43, wonder if she was, perhaps, "just a little bit f***ed in the head".

"I thought, maybe ... my little brain has just been messing with me, and if I just do it like everyone says, I'll be happy," says Shepherd.

This ambivalence, as experts call it, is an experience women are increasingly willing to admit.

But the ability to voice it isn't making it easier for many to unravel the tricky feelings that come with it. Nor are complicating factors like reproductive technology, stubborn stereotypes about women who don't want children, environmental problems, and now, on top of it all, the coronavirus.

"I think there's more permission to not know," says Ann Davidman, a self-proclaimed "motherhood clarity mentor", who counsels people through their ambivalent feelings from her office in California.

"I think that the younger generation feels like they truly have an option, they just don't know how to think about it."(Click to continue reading.)

 You are not alone.

Let Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity guide you out of the pain of indecision and ambivalence and into a place of calm.

On sale for $3.99 through the end of July 2020.

Learn More

 

Permalink

Ann Talks About the Pain of Motherhood Ambivalence with ABC News Australia

Forging a path through the agony of motherhood ambivalence

By Samantha Selinger-Morris

For 10 years, Tory Shepherd felt plagued by an uneasy feeling that stalked her, like a watchful cat. Should she have children? Or not?

For as long as the Adelaide-based journalist could remember, she'd never wanted to become a mother.

But as she grew up, started her career and got married, people in her life began to voice their opinions.

There was her mother, who joked about switching her contraceptive pill with sugar pills, and her husband who, despite initially agreeing with her about not wanting children, later decided he wanted to be a parent.

Along with comments from others, they made Shepherd, now 43, wonder if she was, perhaps, "just a little bit f***ed in the head".

"I thought, maybe ... my little brain has just been messing with me, and if I just do it like everyone says, I'll be happy," says Shepherd.

This ambivalence, as experts call it, is an experience women are increasingly willing to admit.

But the ability to voice it isn't making it easier for many to unravel the tricky feelings that come with it. Nor are complicating factors like reproductive technology, stubborn stereotypes about women who don't want children, environmental problems, and now, on top of it all, the coronavirus.

"I think there's more permission to not know," says Ann Davidman, a self-proclaimed "motherhood clarity mentor", who counsels people through their ambivalent feelings from her office in California.

"I think that the younger generation feels like they truly have an option, they just don't know how to think about it."(Click to continue reading.)

Deciding About Parenthood During the Coronavirus

Photo by Ian Keefe on Unsplash

Now, during the pandemic of Covid-19, is a perfect time to think about deciding if raising children or living a childfree life is for you.

What?

Yes, this is the perfect time to turn your attention toward figuring out if parenthood is for you. The reason is simple: The process of deciding about parenthood is similar to the process of navigating the uncertainty of a pandemic. One needs to create internal spaciousness or at the very least keep your wits about you throughout it.

You’re likely preoccupied right now and think you don’t have the bandwidth to explore the decision of whether to become a parent or choose a childfree life. You are likely just barely hanging in there with managing your mental health, your physical and emotional well-being, your relationship, finances, and facing the fact that life has changed on a dime and will be forever changed.

But let me tell you why I think it is the perfect time to take a look at this decision if in fact you’ve been struggling with making a decision for a while.

Women and men reach out to me because they want clarity. They want to know which road to go down: The road of living childfree or the road of raising children or adding more children to their lives. And more than wanting clarity, they want relief from feeling tortured, scared, desperate, or anxious. This is not hyperbole. They’re tired of these feelings.

It’s rare that someone would reach out to me when they’re entertaining the parenthood question/decision from a place of benign curiosity and from a place of feeling relaxed

When women and men reach out to me, we start by creating internal spaciousness that allows people to relax a bit. It’s very difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling afraid or panicked. This is what you need right now in the face of a pandemic to stay feeling grounded and thinking clearly. So, we can create internal spaciousness so you can both find the calm to ride out the pandemic and discover your heart’s desire about parenthood.

What can you do right now?

Step One: The first place to start is to STOP

Stop thinking about indecision. Give your mind a rest. You’re not going to think your way out of this problem. But that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless – in fact the sheer dilemma of not knowing what you want or what you’re going to do can prove to be quite beneficial. What I mean by that is it forces you to stop and explore what’s in the way of you knowing your truth.

Step Two: Accept that you don’t know and stop trying to figure it out.

Give your mind a break from the torture of not knowing. And stop talking about it. Don’t interview people. The answer is inside of you not outside of you.

Step Three: Make a list of all your fears plus all of the things that you keep thinking about.

For some it’s their age or relationship status or level of anxiety they live with or the fact that they hate their job or love their job. Then fold up that piece of paper and put it away in an envelope for a few months. Then make a decision to NOT decide for now.

Step Four: Make a list of what you do know for sure.

List the obvious. For example: I know that I am loved, I have long hair, I’m funny, I love animals, I like who I am, I have a car, etc. This will help you redirect your mind. Also, think about two decisions that you have made in your life that felt right. Remember them and remember how they felt. That is the feeling you want to have when you have clarity about this issue.

Step Five: Make a journal entry dated one year from today.

Then pretend it is one year from now. Begin your entry with: As I look back on this past year I am pleased to notice… Then just write without thinking and see what comes to mind. This exercise will also help create internal spaciousness and give your mind a rest from the worry.

 Learn how to create internal spaciousness

Co-author Denise L. Carlini and I have dropped the digital price of our book Motherhood Is It For Me?: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity from $14.99 to $3.99 through July. Use this program to to find calm and clarity during a turbulent time.

 

Deciding About Parenthood During the Coronavirus

Now, during the pandemic of Covid-19, is a perfect time to think about deciding if raising children or living a childfree life is for you.

What?

Yes, this is the perfect time to turn your attention toward figuring out if parenthood is for you. The reason is simple: The process of deciding about parenthood is similar to the process of navigating the uncertainty of a pandemic. One needs to create internal spaciousness or at the very least keep your wits about you throughout it.

You’re likely preoccupied right now and think you don’t have the bandwidth to explore the decision of whether to become a parent or choose a childfree life. You are likely just barely hanging in there with managing your mental health, your physical and emotional well-being, your relationship, finances, and facing the fact that life has changed on a dime and will be forever changed.

But let me tell you why I think it is the perfect time to take a look at this decision if in fact you’ve been struggling with making a decision for a while.

Women and men reach out to me because they want clarity. They want to know which road to go down: The road of living childfree or the road of raising children or adding more children to their lives. And more than wanting clarity, they want relief from feeling tortured, scared, desperate, or anxious. This is not hyperbole. They’re tired of these feelings.

It’s rare that someone would reach out to me when they’re entertaining the parenthood question/decision from a place of benign curiosity and from a place of feeling relaxed

When women and men reach out to me, we start by creating internal spaciousness that allows people to relax a bit. It’s very difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling afraid or panicked. This is what you need right now in the face of a pandemic to stay feeling grounded and thinking clearly. So, we can create internal spaciousness so you can both find the calm to ride out the pandemic and discover your heart’s desire about parenthood.

What can you do right now?

 
Step One: The first place to start is to STOP

Stop thinking about indecision. Give your mind a rest. You’re not going to think your way out of this problem. But that doesn’t mean it’s hopeless – in fact the sheer dilemma of not knowing what you want or what you’re going to do can prove to be quite beneficial. What I mean by that is it forces you to stop and explore what’s in the way of you knowing your truth.

 
Step Two: Accept that you don’t know and stop trying to figure it out.

Give your mind a break from the torture of not knowing. And stop talking about it. Don’t interview people. The answer is inside of you not outside of you.

 

Step Three: Make a list of all your fears plus all of the things that you keep thinking about.

For some it’s their age or relationship status or level of anxiety they live with or the fact that they hate their job or love their job. Then fold up that piece of paper and put it away in an envelope for a few months. Then make a decision to NOT decide for now.

 
Step Four: Make a list of what you do know for sure.

List the obvious. For example: I know that I am loved, I have long hair, I’m funny, I love animals, I like who I am, I have a car, etc. This will help you redirect your mind. Also, think about two decisions that you have made in your life that felt right. Remember them and remember how they felt. That is the feeling you want to have when you have clarity about this issue.

 

Step Five: Make a journal entry dated one year from today.

Then pretend it is one year from now. Begin your entry with: As I look back on this past year I am pleased to notice… Then just write without thinking and see what comes to mind. This exercise will also help create internal spaciousness and give your mind a rest from the worry.

How to Stay Grounded and Think Clearly During the Coronavirus

Photo by Paul Gilmore on Unsplash

Parenthood indecision can cause so much anxiety and worry for people. When they come to me for help, we start by creating internal spaciousness for them. This internal breathing room allows people to relax a bit. It’s difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling panicked or afraid.

That is what we all need right now. In the face of a pandemic, we’re all looking for ways to feel grounded and think clearly.

In last week’s blog, Handling the Insecurity of Indecision During the Coronavirus, I discussed how you can use The Mantra© to create internal spaciousness. Today, I want to give you an exercise you can do to help you stay grounded, think clearly, and get a break from the fear and panic.

How to Stay Grounded and Think Clearly

Step One: The first place to start is to STOP.

Stop thinking about how your life has changed and how it will never be the same. Give your mind a rest. You’re not going to think your way out of this problem. This doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. But it’s okay to grieve what isn’t and what never got to be.

Step Two: Accept that you don’t know what is going to happen.

And stop trying to figure it out. Give your mind a break from the torture of not knowing how this is all going to play out. And stop talking about it or going over and over it, insistently and redundantly, with your family and friends. Don’t interview people. You’ll find peace and calm inside of you, not outside of you.

Step Three: Make a list of all your fears.

Also include all of the things that you keep thinking about. Then fold up that piece of paper and put it away in an envelope for a few months. You can’t put reality into an envelope, but doing this exercise can help you pause for a moment so you can breathe. Nothing has to be decided right now.

Step Four: Focus on what you do know will help ground you.

Make a list of what you do know for sure. List the obvious. For example: I know that I am loved, I have long hair, I’m funny, I love animals, I like who I am, I have a car, etc. This will help you redirect your mind. Also, think about two times in your life that you were certain you were going to be okay. Remember them and remember how they felt. Recall this feeling as often as you can.

Step Five: Make a journal entry dated one year from today.

Then pretend it is one year from now. Begin your entry with:

April 2021: As I look back on this past year, I am pleased to notice…

Then just write without thinking and see what comes to mind. After a day or two, take a look at it again to see if it feels good to read.

You can’t do this exercise too much. It will help create internal spaciousness and give your mind a rest from the worry. Happy clear thinking ahead!

© 2020 Ann Davidman

 Discover more ways to feel grounded and find calm

Co-author Denise L. Carlini and I have dropped the digital price of our book Motherhood Is It For Me?: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity from $14.99 to $3.99 through July. Use this program to understand what gets in your way when making big decisions and to ground yourself when the world feels unsure.

Just $3.99 through July!

 

How to Stay Grounded and Think Clearly During the Coronavirus

Parenthood indecision can cause so much anxiety and worry for people. When they come to me for help, we start by creating internal spaciousness for them. This internal breathing room allows people to relax a bit. It’s difficult to think clearly when you’re feeling panicked or afraid.

That is what we all need right now. In the face of a pandemic, we’re all looking for ways to feel grounded and think clearly.

In last week’s blog, Handling the Insecurity of Indecision During the Coronavirus, I discussed how you can use The Mantra© to create internal spaciousness. Today, I want to give you an exercise you can do to help you stay grounded, think clearly, and get a break from the fear and panic.

How to Stay Grounded and Think Clearly

 

Step One: The first place to start is to STOP.

Stop thinking about how your life has changed and how it will never be the same. Give your mind a rest. You’re not going to think your way out of this problem. This doesn’t mean it’s hopeless. But it’s okay to grieve what isn’t and what never got to be.

 

Step Two: Accept that you don’t know what is going to happen.

And stop trying to figure it out. Give your mind a break from the torture of not knowing how this is all going to play out. And stop talking about it or going over and over it, insistently and redundantly, with your family and friends. Don’t interview people. You’ll find peace and calm inside of you, not outside of you.

 

Step Three: Make a list of all your fears.

Also include all of the things that you keep thinking about. Then fold up that piece of paper and put it away in an envelope for a few months. You can’t put reality into an envelope, but doing this exercise can help you pause for a moment so you can breathe. Nothing has to be decided right now.

 

Step Four: Focus on what you do know will help ground you.

Make a list of what you do know for sure. List the obvious. For example: I know that I am loved, I have long hair, I’m funny, I love animals, I like who I am, I have a car, etc. This will help you redirect your mind. Also, think about two times in your life that you were certain you were going to be okay. Remember them and remember how they felt. Recall this feeling as often as you can.

 

Step Five: Make a journal entry dated one year from today.

Then pretend it is one year from now. Begin your entry with:

April 2021: As I look back on this past year, I am pleased to notice…

Then just write without thinking and see what comes to mind. After a day or two, take a look at it again to see if it feels good to read.

You can’t do this exercise too much. It will help create internal spaciousness and give your mind a rest from the worry. Happy clear thinking ahead!

Handling the Insecurity of Indecision During the Coronavirus

Photo by Lavi Perchik on Unsplash

I live in the Bay Area. Before we were told to shelter-in-place, I agonized over going to my office to see clients in person or seeing them remotely. I found myself thinking and feeling many of the same thoughts and emotions as those dealing with motherhood indecision.

I want one of my colleagues to tell me what to do.
I want to make the right decision.
I don’t want to regret my choice.
Ugh! Pain. Shortness of breath.

Sound familiar? I was trying to figure out what I wanted to do and what I was going to do at the same time, which resulted in the same gridlock I coach people out of.

With no one to tell me what to do, I had to stop in my tracks and close my eyes and say, “I don’t know what to do. I feel scared.”

In the Motherhood Clarity Course ™ we use The Mantra© to help women put aside the anxiety and torture of not knowing. They choose not to know on purpose. They create internal spaciousness in order to receive or gain new information. When we have internal spaciousness, we are more creative and open to receiving new ideas and information.

The Mantra©
(from Motherhood Is It For Me?: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity)

I don’t know.
I don’t know why I don’t know.
It’s not my fault that I don’t know.
It’s ok that I don’t know.
I’ve known many things before.
There have been many times in my life that I’ve had a sense of clarity.
My true desire matters, and no one can know it better than I can know it.
I am the definer of me.
The answers will come because they never left.
Only I can know what’s true for me; it’s all within me.

The Mantra can be used now with the coronavirus to create a bit of internal spaciousness.

I don’t know what is going to happen.
I don’t like not knowing.
It’s not my fault that I don’t know.
It’s ok that I don’t know.
I’ve known many things before.
There have been times in my life that I’ve had a sense of deep knowing.
My desire for feeling safe and secure matters.
I am the definer of me and no one can know me better than I can know me.
Only I can know what’s true for me; it’s all within me.

When feeling afraid, try your best with whatever tools and tricks you have to turn that fear into grief. Reach for the tears that sit underneath the fear. If you can eek out one tear, it will help you think better in the present moment. I’ve had a few “waterworks” days. I put on my old music that I listened to in my teenage years when times were simpler, and then I just cried and cried.

The virus will poke at every unresolved issue from your past. You want unresolved issues to surface so that you can face them and heal them through sitting with the loss. And it’s also okay to be aware of what they are and not face them right now.

Once I used The Mantra©, I calmed down. I wanted to see my clients in person, and I wanted them to be able to see me. That was my desire. But I made the safe decision to stay at home and work with my clients virtually. I had to separate the decision from the desire to reclaim peace and calm in my body and mind.

 Find peace and calm during chaotic times

Co-author Denise L. Carlini and I have dropped the digital price of our book Motherhood Is It For Me?: Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity from $14.99 to $3.99 through July. Use this program to understand what gets in your way when making big decisions and to ground yourself when the world feels unsure.

Just $3.99 through July!

 

Ann Discusses Difficulty of Motherhood Indecision with ABC Australia

I really enjoyed speaking to Kellie Scott of ABC Life Australia, who introduced me to a new term: “baby-curious.”

There can be so many negative terms associated with the journey if a woman is unsure whether or not she wants to be a mother, and Kellie expresses some of them: “paralyzed,” “torment,” “limbo.”

I encourage women who read my book or work with me in my role as a Motherhood Clarity Mentor to try to relax into their indecision, at least for a time. “Baby-curious” is the kind of term that encourages that ease. An easy mind is where clarity about important decisions can be found.

Below is an excerpt and a link to Kellie’s full article: 

Photo by Sasha Freemind on Unsplash

Deciding whether to have kids or not is hard, but there is a way forward

By Kellie Scott

I struggled with how to start this story, and maybe it's no surprise given I'm paralysed by the very thing it's about: whether or not to have a baby.

As friends welcome newborns, deal with infertility or proudly announce they want to live childfree, I wonder… how do they know?

I'm baby-curious, if you like. But what once felt like the freedom of choice has at 34 become something I worry about every day.

It's been a relatively private torment until I started hearing from other women experiencing the same anxiety of indecision while writing about people who are childfree by choice.

"There are a lot of people who are undecided, but there is not a lot of permission to speak those words," says Ann Davidman, a marriage and family therapist from California who has been helping men and women make a call about parenthood since the '90s.

"People will say they feel tortured by not knowing and not knowing how to move forward when it appears everyone else seems to just know."

I am still in limbo despite lots of soul searching, Deep and Meaningfuls with my partner, quizzing mum friends, and reading plenty of books and articles.

But I did learn a thing or two from speaking to Ms Davidman and a perinatal psychologist about the ways you can move forward when you're unsure. (Click to continue reading.)

 Want help figuring out your desire so you can make a decision?

Let Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity be your guide.

Learn More
 

Permalink

Help Doctors Provide Unbiased Guidance to Ambivalent Women

Photo by Matt Hardy on Unsplash

In September, I was invited to a Contraceptive Access Equality conference where I shared best practices for providers who have patients ambivalent about motherhood. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG), District VII and the Take Control Initiative coordinated with each other to bring together a community of people whose focus is improving the health care for women where reproductive justice was at the foreground.

It truly was an honor to be included among so many women and men fighting for women’s reproductive health. I took part in the Pregnancy Intention and Counseling panel, where I presented a guide for doctors and health care practitioners that explains how to think about the ambivalent population of women and how to talk with them so they feel seen.

Download the guide to give to your doctor or health practitioner.

Download Guide

Ann Discusses Motherhood Indecision and Climate Change in Sierra

I’m so glad Katie O’Reilly shared her process about how to think about whether or not to have children in the face of the climate crisis in the November/December edition of Sierra, the magazine for the Sierra Club. I want people to know there is help out there so they can have their own private uncensored process and take the decision, seriously especially during these times.

One thing that is important for me to convey is that I don’t see parenthood or a childfree life as a debate. One is not better than the other. It’s a personal choice and each person has their personal reasons that are their business alone. I believe the better you know yourself, the better understanding you have into why you say “yes” or “no” to parenthood.

You get to decide if and why you want to be parent or if you want to be an ally to a young person. Or not. The work that I do is about helping people reach that personal decision.

The time-tested program that Denise and I created in 1991 recommends that people put aside their fears and circumstances of their current life as well as all realities of life -- including the climate crisis -- but only temporarily. All of this stuff needs to be assessed and looked at during the decision-making process—not during the process of discovering what you want and why.

Assessing all the externals of one’s life prematurely gets in the way of one’s clarity of desire. Externals are very important but when they are considered is key.

What one wants is sometimes the same and sometimes different than what one will decide to do. I hope whoever reads this article will decide for themselves what is right for them.

Below is an excerpt and a link to the full article: 

Photo by William Bossen on Unsplash

To Have or Not to Have Children in the Age of Climate Change

By Katie O’Reilly

"You can't be honest with yourself about what you want and think about the climate crisis at the same time—you might as well plant your feet in cement," therapist Ann Davidman tells me in her airy Oakland office. A sixty-something who bills herself as a baby-decision "clarity counselor," Davidman has made a career out of using writing prompts and guided visualizations to help people like me figure out whether they want to have kids.

I'm on her couch this sunny summer afternoon because, like increasing numbers of millennials and Generation Zers, I'm worried that if I procreate, I will contribute to melting ice caps, rising seas, and extreme weather. Worse, I might create brand-new victims of climate change—people who never asked to be part of this human-made mess. I've never been a hard yes or no on the baby question, and now that I'm 34, this indecision, not unlike my egg reserve, is getting old. (Click to continue reading.)

 Want help figuring out your desire so you can make a decision?

Let Motherhood - Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity be your guide.

Learn More
 

Permalink