Ann Davidman's Blog, page 4

Ann’s Interview on The Imperfects Podcast: "Should You Have Children?"

Recently, I had the amazing opportunity to join Hugh van Cuylenburg, Josh van Cuylenburg, and Ryan Shelton on their wonderful podcast The Imperfects — their motto being “we’re all imperfect.”

Hugh, Ryan, and Josh invite various people from all walks of life on the show who are willing to make themselves vulnerable, by sharing their own struggles and imperfections — discussing valuable takeaways we can all apply to our own imperfect lives.

What better place to discuss the incredibly important and vulnerable topic of parenthood? And more specifically, fatherhood.

They released an episode earlier this year titled To Breed, or Not to Breed. During this episode Ryan discusses his indecision, and anxiety really, around whether he and his partner should have children or not — or at least try to have children or not.

Because of the strong response to that episode, Ryan, Josh, and Hugh invited me onto their show for a follow-up episode to explore this topic in more detail — discussing Ryan’s experience and recognizing that his is not a singular one. Men all over the world struggle with the same exact decision, often in silence.

In the beginning, my clarity course was designed for women. But, shortly after that, we started to create a program for men that mirrored the women’s program — we realized there was a need for men to get the same support.

Men often don't feel like they have permission to think about this because,  especially in heterosexual relationships, they feel like they'll just do whatever their partner wants.

Ryan shares that one of the obstacles he faces in his decision is this apprehension about sacrificing certain things, certain aspects of his life, that he really loves. A lifestyle that would be better suited for someone who is childfree. Ryan is absolutely not alone in this line of thinking. And ambivalence can often feel shameful. Because of the way society views and communicates about parenthood, we don’t always know if it's normal for people to not know. But it is normal. We don’t always know if it's normal for people to want to be childfree. But that is normal, too.

What Ryan is talking about, this hyperfocus on how parenthood might affect his future self, is sort of where the problem lies because you are trying to sort out what you want and what you're gonna do about it at the same time. And that is what creates mental gridlock. You can't think your way out of that. You have to separate your desire from your decision.

So, first you have to sort out your desire, do you want to be a parent — a father? Do you want to raise a child? What's your heart's desire — from the inside out?

And that's what I help people uncover so that they can know themselves better. If you want help uncovering these hidden truths to begin your journey towards clarity, join me for one of my Parenthood Clarity Courses.

And click here to listen to the full episode of The Imperfects.

Is Parenthood For You? It’s Okay to Say “I Don’t Know”

Do you want to become a parent?

In my work as a parenthood clarity mentor, I frequently hear people say, “One minute I can see how I want to be a parent — and the next minute I don’t see how I possibly can.”

If you’re feeling similarly, it’s official: I’m giving you permission to not know.

Proclaim it loudly and proudly: “I don’t know!”

It may sound counterintuitive, but as you think deeply about whether to become a parent, it’s actually essential that you choose not to know, with intention, for the decision-making process to ultimately work its magic.

Human nature compels us to seek black-and-white answers. It can feel excruciating to not know — and fluctuating between answers creates the perpetual illusion that, any moment now, the answer will arrive and provide relief.

When you find yourself swinging in one direction or the other, returning to a state of I don’t know can feel like you’re backsliding.

Guide your thoughts back to the space of I don’t know. It can be helpful to imagine yourself traveling the trajectory of a horizontal figure eight, or infinity sign, with I don’t know at the center.

As you contemplate this huge decision, it might take time to sink comfortably into the state of actively not knowing. It might feel painful, hopeless, or scary at times — but rest assured that this state is risk-free.

You can’t lose your true desire. Your truth will only become clearer as you allow yourself more pressure-free exploration.

What if you framed your experience of I don’t know as liberating? It can serve as a reprieve that allows you to be more present — and more available to receive authentic answers.

Right now, you might not understand why you can’t decide.

Even if you have an inkling about why you don’t yet know your answer, trust that you don’t have access to all the pieces that are playing parts in your truth — and that you don’t need to.

For right now, you simply don’t know.

The details of why are unimportant at this point, and trying to figure them out prematurely only distracts you from your goal of achieving clarity.

You can be sure of one thing: the reason you don’t know is a good reason!

Maybe societal pressure is preventing you from knowing your answer right now, or unresolved childhood problems and pain, or the belief that you don’t matter, or a general feeling of shame — or possibly a combination of these factors.

The pain or discomfort you experience when you’re not aligned with your true self further disconnects you from finding your answer.

It’s not your fault that you don’t know.

We all have personal struggles, and while we’re accountable for our actions, we’re not to be blamed for our struggles.

If something hurtful happened in your childhood and the outcome has turned into a personal struggle, you’re not to be blamed for that. If you internalized an inaccurate belief about yourself due to earlier events, you’re not to blame for that either.

Yes, it’s up to you to heal the injury that caused the struggle or difficulty. However, that’s different from blaming yourself for the struggle that has kept you stuck.

As best you can, let go of self-blame while you allow your journey to unfold.

You’ve had clarity before about many things.

The truth is, you’ve known (and still know!) many things. You’ve felt clarity before, and you’ll most certainly experience it again.

You can even make a list of three precise times in your life when you had complete clarity — and read it whenever you want to recapture that sensation of knowing. Trust that you’ll experience the same complete clarity regarding the question of parenthood.

When you relax into this self-acceptance, you can more easily gain access to the answers that are already there.

The knowing will come in time — you won’t have to look for it. And I’m always here to support you.

Meet Anna & Gital: Outliers Who Paved the Way For Me (And For You, Too)

Long ago, two strong women laid the groundwork for me to be ahead of my time.

Our deep connection spanned the generations as I carried on their legacy — without even knowing it.

In honor of Women’s History Month, I’m proudly celebrating two independent women who pursued their dreams…

Who knew that motherhood was a choice — and exercised their right to remain childfree.

Each generation of women depends on and requires there to be outliers to come before us.

In 1879 in the city of Mohyliv-Podilskyi on the banks of the Dniester River, Anna Davidman, the oldest of six, was born to my great-grandparents Rabbi Israel & Chai Davidman.

Anna always knew she wanted an education, a path many poor, Jewish girls didn’t consider at the time. She managed to graduate high school through home study, paving the way for her younger siblings — especially my great-aunt Gital, born many years later.

After a brief marriage in accordance with Jewish tradition, Anna left her husband and immigrated to the United States to pursue her dream of becoming a doctor.

After years of hard work, this dream became a reality when Anna Davidman became Dr. Anna Davidman — in her late 30’s, she was the oldest student in her graduating class.

Gital, inspired by her older sister Anna’s perseverance, immigrated to the U.S. as well, along with her mother and her siblings. She went on to pursue her education with the dream of becoming a bacteriologist.

In yet another trailblazing choice for their time, both women remained childfree by choice.

I began my work as a motherhood clarity mentor long before I was aware of my lineage. However, knowing that these two nineteenth-century women understood that having and raising children was a choice, not a requirement, inspires me and illuminates my work to this day.

As a mentor to women who want help deciding which path is right for them — becoming a parent, or remaining childfree — I see every day how both paths are noble, wonderfully rewarding, and challenging. Both paths can lead to beautifully satisfying lives. Choosing not to become a parent does not preclude your life satisfaction, while becoming a parent does not guarantee it.

And, even though I’ve been helping women make these decisions for more than 30 years, pronatalism still has a stronghold on women.

Women still live under these oppressive pressures and many believe that:

They are supposed to want children without thought.
They are supposed to want and have children even if they don’t want to.
They should feel bad if they choose a childfree life.
They should not be in conflict about this choice and if they are there is something fundamentally wrong with them.

I also never forget the women who longed to become mothers but did not get to live their dream, through no fault of their own. This society also puts pressure on these women, compounding their existing grief by causing them to feel broken and less than.

Finally, I’ll never tire of telling women there is nothing wrong with them if they don’t know what they want when it comes to the life-changing decision — to be or not to be a parent.

I look forward to the day when all children are raised knowing that one day they will get to decide if they want to be parents or not. They will know it’s an option not an assumption.

I look forward to the day when society begins to value choice and what is right for each person.

Parenthood or motherhood is the ultimate personal decision.

I feel so fortunate that I choose the path of being a motherhood clarity mentor. Maybe it chose me. The amount of joy and exhilaration I experience through helping women gain clarity about what they want for themselves is irreplaceable.

This month and all year long, let’s celebrate the women who came before us. Together we can carry on their legacy that gives women the permission to choose parenthood or a childfree life with freedom and pride!

How To Know If You Want To Be A Parent

Counterintuitive Exercises To Understand Your Own Desires

When you think about parenthood, what comes up for you? What concerns come to mind?

I’m afraid of losing my freedom and my sleep.
People say it’s life’s greatest experience – what if I miss out on that?
I don’t want to hold my partner back from something important to them.
I’m not sure if I would be a good enough parent.

These are just a few of the sorts of concerns I hear from people when they reach out to me for help with deciding whether or not to have children. I immediately let them know that they’re not alone in their worries or uncertainty.

To many people, it seems as if you should just know whether you want to become a parent — but I have 30 years of experience counseling individuals who have found that they cannot decide one way or the other. They just want to be able to decide and move forward with their lives, and they don’t understand why they can’t.

Full Article: How to know if you want to be a parent 

If you are struggling with not knowing, I promise you: there is nothing wrong with you.

To decide, you must first explore what you desire. Desire here means what you know, deep in your heart, that you want for yourself. It might be experienced as a strong feeling, or it might feel quiet and subtle, but it comes from within you. It is not a reaction to something outside of you. Navigating a decision is much easier when you’ve clarified what you really want and why.

What to do?

Start by deciding that you don’t know. Your first step is to accept that you don’t yet know whether you want to become a parent, and you don’t deserve any blame for that.

Decide to not know on purpose. By deciding that you don’t know what you want, you put yourself in the most open position to receive new information. Even if you have an inkling of what you want, it’s best to keep it at bay for a period of time. What I tell people is that, if something is true, it’ll remain true.

Next, you’ll want to list your externals and fears. Externals are all the things that keep pulling at you to think about them constantly. They will be different for each person.

Once you have your list, place it in a box or envelope, and put it away and out of sight. No matter how significant these items are to you, they are irrelevant for now. They might be relevant when it comes time to decide, but right now you are focused on discovering your desire.

Now that you’ve created some internal spaciousness, you are ready for some exercises that will help bring unconsidered beliefs and assumptions to the foreground. Engage in some stream-of-consciousness writing – meaning, just write what comes to mind. Write freely about your life, yourself, and your parents.

What follows is a carefully crafted process of reflection and contemplation. Taking what you’ve written, and allowing yourself space and time to process what has come up for you. Clarity will develop little by little as you complete each step of the process.

It’s hard to set aside the expectations and judgment of others during this process, but ultimately, the goal isn’t for others to feel good about your decision to become a parent or to live childfree. The goal is for you to feel good about your decision. You want your decision to come from an internal place of knowing, not as a reaction to forces outside of you. Only you can know what’s true for you.

If you’re interested in reading more, including clear and concise step-by-step instructions for my clarity process, read the full article here on Psyche.co.

You can also learn more about the book I co-authored with Denise Carlini, Motherhood-Is It For Me? and the Motherhood and Fatherhood Clarity Courses I offer here at MotherhoodIsItForMe.com.

Wishing you peace and healthy boundaries.

A Season to Go Inward

This time of year (at least in the northern hemisphere) is a time to slow down, hibernate, and to reconnect with ourselves…

Yet, the new year is also a time where we feel called to take action, to commit to resolutions, and make plans for our future. As a result, we can experience some internal confusion.

What does this time of year mean to you? Especially in the face of not being able to decide which path you’re going to choose — the one of parenthood or the one of living childfree.

My guess is that you’d like the year to unfold toward a decision one way or the other — or at least moving forward in your life with a plan and not staying stuck in indecision.

Do you make New Year’s resolutions?

I don’t, exactly. Resolution is too rigid a word for me and stops me in my tracks the moment I think about something I must accomplish — and this can feel like failure. I immediately feel challenged in a way that doesn’t feel motivating. So, I’d rather think about this time of year as an opportunity to reflect, and a time to slow down and turn inward.

Give yourself the gift of contemplation and forget about resolutions (unless you really like them). Even though being still and contemplative is quite natural for some, it isn’t for all. It’s not just about being in deep thought but about being in deep quiet so the thoughts can come to you without you going to them.

I like to think about what feels inspiring to me and what intentions I want to have. How do I want the year to unfold and what do I need to do to accomplish that? What part will I play in the unfolding? How do I want to feel by the end of the year? I try to imagine that feeling in my body so I can internalize it.

This time of year, I suggest spending time going out of your way to quiet your mind. I’m not even suggesting meditation (although that is a fine practice). Maybe this is a type of meditation, but I’d rather call it contemplation because you are not trying to keep the thoughts at bay — you want them to come to you gently in the quiet.

Below are several ways you can help create internal spaciousness while also helping you slow down. Then you get to decide if you want to make New Year’s Resolutions or Intentions or Aspirations — how you want 2023 to unfold.

If this is new to you, the practice can be as simple as sitting tall with good posture, your feet on the ground, and closing your eyes. Just this alone allows you to shut down your frontal cortex — the thinking part of your brain. Let the quiet begin.

Focusing on the breath is a good place to start. For those that have a hard time sitting quietly, writing what comes to mind helps as well. Anything that will help you disengage from the angst you’re feeling at that moment.

In this quiet — with your inside and outside noise quieted down — you can be with your true self. We need this to find refuge from the many distractions in our lives. Even though it’s so natural to quiet down, it has become an effort in the face of all the buzz around us. But a little effort can go a long way. Sit quietly and breathe for 3 to 5 minutes.

One writing assignment I enjoy is making a journal entry dated one year in the future.

For example, for December or January 2023, you can write something like: “As I look back on this past year, I’m delighted to notice…”

Imagine that it is one year from today and you are looking back over the last year as a sort of year in review — but this time you’re only going to focus on what feels good or what you are pleased about.

Then, without much thinking beforehand, start writing. After you’ve written for as long as you’d like — it’s fine to set a timer for 5 minutes and if you want more time then simply extend the timer — breathe again.

Walk away for 10 minutes and then come back to what you’ve written and read it out loud to hear how it sounds.

When used together, these exercises help create internal spaciousness so that your inner guidance can lead you and new thoughts can come forward. Take some time during this annual transition to try these exercises and go inward — you might be surprised (and delighted!) by what you find.

Navigating the Holidays When You’re Barely Hanging On: 3 Simple Practices to Stay Connected to Yourself

For many, this time of year feels exhilarating, exciting, rich, and full. 

It’s a time to reflect on and appreciate all you have. 

Yet, if you’re feeling fraught with the indecision of parenthood vs. remaining childfree, everything can feel more complex… 

A simple request can feel intrusive. Answering a question can feel like you’re giving more than you have to give. 

When you’re struggling, how can you hold on to what is true for you in the face of strong personalities and other people’s judgments and opinions —  when you can barely stay connected to yourself? 

What if you’re barely hanging on, or feeling depleted, or just down and out — and don’t know how you’re going to get through the next month in the face of other people’s positive cheerfulness? 

Many people try to fake feeling good or happy because it feels easier than setting a new boundary or facing the truth that you’re not feeling so great this year. 

The truth is, although the learning curve may hurt, developing healthy boundaries is easier in the long run. I’m here to help.

 

3 Practices to Stay Connected to Yourself

1. Visualize yourself standing tall with a thick boundary drawn around the edges of you. 

Pick a color that feels good to you. Now close your eyes and really see yourself protected within that thick line drawn around you.

Notice how nothing can get through or cross that thick line unless invited in by you. You are the manager in charge of who gets in. Whether you’re able to do this or not, just trying to see the image will help. 

Having healthy boundaries means you know you’re a separate human being from others. You want to be able to feel the point at which you end, and another person begins. Even if the people whom you’ve felt merged with do not have healthy boundaries, you can still maintain them for yourself. 

 

2. Make a list of everything good about you. Read it out loud starting with the phrase, “The following is absolutely true about me.” 

Part two of this list can include everything you wish you knew or felt about yourself. Begin reading that part of the list out loud, starting with the phrase, “I desire to know the truth about the following…”

This list will help you identify where you might feel more vulnerable in the face of other people telling you what you should know or should do. This is where you want to take extra care of yourself. 

 

3. Have your response ready.

Of course, real-life interactions never allow us to stick to a script. Yet, it can be very helpful to reflect on how you’ll respond to difficult questions during holiday gatherings. You can even practice in the mirror if you’d like!

For example, it’s always okay to tell someone “I’m not available to have this discussion with you right now.” Or…

Them: “When are you going to have kids? You would be a great mom/parent.”

You: “I hear you and I know you are trying to be helpful. Right now, your encouragement is not helpful to me. I am not available for this conversation. I promise to let you know when I want to hear all your thoughts about whether I should become a mom or not. The soonest I'll be available for this conversation will be next February or April or never, if then. The most helpful thing you can do for me right now is to say to me, ‘I trust you'll sort out what is best for you. I'm here for you if you need my help.’”

When people are persistent, you might need to be a bit firmer.

You: “I need you to stop asking me about children. I do not want to discuss this with you right now.” (You’ll likely need to repeat this many times. Repetition is the key here, not escalation.) 

Having healthy boundaries in place means you’ll need to grow the muscle of tolerating other people’s disappointment. If necessary, you’ll want to be able to say, “I don’t see it that way,” or “I respectfully disagree with you.” 

No one automatically deserves to know where you stand regarding choices you’ve made, or are about to make, regarding children or living childfree. Certainly, it’s your prerogative to share whatever you’d like to share and with whom. 

While this time of year can be difficult, please know you’re not alone. 

This holiday season and always, the most important practice of all is trusting your inner guidance. When your gut is tied into knots or you have an uneasy feeling in your body, it’s trying to tell you something. Listen to it. 

Wishing you peace and healthy boundaries this holiday season and beyond.

"When are you going to have kids?"~ 5 Tips on How to Respond

"When are you going to have kids?"

"When will I get grandchildren?"

"Are you EVER going to have kids?"

As the holidays approach, you might be dreading questions about your current childfree state. Even the most supportive, helpful loved ones can dig in with questions that cause unnecessary pain.

What if you didn’t have to dread these questions? The best way to minimize this stress is to have a plan in place for how to respond. While it's tempting to tell these family members that it’s none of their business, I believe grace over sarcasm and hostility is the way to go.

Here are a few tips to get you ready for the onslaught of questions, looks, or sideways comments.

 
1. Think it through ahead of time.

Your position can be vague or specific, but make sure it can roll off your tongue easily. Keep it simple. Practice so you can hear what it sounds like. If you're certain there’s going to be pressure or unwanted questions, you can head it all off at the pass with, “I have an announcement to make! I’m exploring my own private process about kids or no kids. I’ll let you know when I have clarity. I’d prefer if you didn't ask about it.”

It’s also fine if you do want to discuss it with family members, but you’re not obligated. Parenthood is not a decision by jury.

 
2. Be respectful.

Yes, you can take the sarcastic route. I know how fun that can be! But you’ll survive better if you take the road of understanding and compassion. Understand that people are anxious in general, and if they’re unaware of their own anxiety, they’ll project it on to you. Anxiety thrives on uncertainty. Trust that your loved ones don't want to be mean or inconsiderate. People will often backpedal if they know they’ve offended you. If you receive an unwanted question, here are some responses that might help:

“I know you want a grandchild. I feel private about my process of making this very personal decision. I’ll share my decision with you after I make it.”
“I know you want me to have kids. I’m sorry it’s hard for you that I haven’t decided yet if it’s what I want.”
“I know you think I’d be a good parent and I know it’s hard for you that I haven’t decided.”

 
3. And keep being respectful. It looks good on you.

Even with a compassionate and kind response, you still may get a reply back of:

“Well, you’re not getting any younger and neither am I.”
“What are you waiting for—tick tock?”
“You and your partner are so good together. You’d make great parents.”

Then, take a breath and repeat what you originally said. Repetition is the key, not escalation. Sometimes the same thing has to be said several times the exact same way, with calm and patience. At some point, you may have to walk away or go check the oven — not to put your head into it, but to see if what’s cooking is done.

Certainly, sarcasm is an easy thing to fall into but it’s not sustainable — and the subtext of sarcasm will hurt you more than them in the long run. Curiosity, compassion, and honesty will always be a better approach. It might feel unsatisfying initially but, in the end, you’ll be happy you took that approach.

 
4. Try changing the topic to be about them.

Ask them questions about their own parenthood choices:

“Why did you want kids or to be a parent?”
“Why didn’t you have more kids?”
“Why do you think your parents wanted children?”

Or you can redirect the discussion: “Can you imagine what it would’ve been like if the topic of having children was talked about and not assumed?” “Can you imagine being told as a child that not everyone is expected to have children? It’s something that you get to decide.”

If none of that works, then try, “What’s for dessert?”

 
5. Check in regularly with your partner.

If you’re navigating the holidays with a partner, be sure to ask each other how it’s going. “Have you been pinned into any corners or given any looks? Did you get any hurtful statements thrown at you?” Be a team. Check in with each other daily. When you’re around your family of origin it’s common to regress to feel like a child again and lose your sense of self. Remind each other that you’re there for one another.

One day children will grow up with the notion that being a parent or childfree is a personal choice. They’ll be taught that both are good choices and the message will be along the lines of:

“Motherhood, living a childfree life, or raising children is a choice. It’s a very personal decision and only you can know what’s true for you. One is not better than the other but one will be better for you.”

Happy Holidays!

Your Path to Clarity Begins With Self-Care

If indecision around parenthood has been weighing heavily on your heart and mind, there’s a missing piece that can help you create the space for clarity — and it might surprise you…

It’s self-care. 

We hear this term a lot, yet our culture generally doesn’t support authentic self-care, self-love, or self-compassion. In fact, these qualities are often seen as negative — selfish and self-centered. 

These projections can keep you from what you most need most right now — time, space, and room to explore your thoughts and feelings.

If you struggle with self-care, you’re not alone. Maintaining your health and well-being requires deliberate action.

If you’re judging yourself because you can’t decide if parenthood is for you, for sure you are going to need some guidance on how to prioritize self-care.

Let’s start at the very beginning, a very good place to start…
(as I hear Julie Andrews sing Do Re Mi in the Sound of Music).

If you were well cared for when you were young — meaning your emotional, psychological, and physical needs were met — and you witnessed adults around you who took good care of themselves, your ability as an adult to maintain and preserve your well-being would be fairly easy to do. But if that wasn’t the case in your early years you might struggle with it as an adult.

As an adult, it is up to you and no one else to take good care of yourself. No one other than you is responsible for your well-being. Unlike when you were a child; it was your parent(s) and possibly other adults who were responsible for your well-being. Please know that there is a good reason why self-care might not come easy to you. So, no more thinking that something is wrong with you, or that you are less than others somehow. It’s never too late to learn and implement it. 

Do you have a self-care routine? Pause right now and think of the last three deliberate action steps you did for yourself that resulted in you feeling good emotionally and/or physically. A self-care routine can be spending three minutes a day (Literally! Set a timer) remembering what you did yesterday on behalf of yourself. Or taking in how someone else thought well about you.

When you mess up or make a mistake is your default reaction, compassion, or beating yourself up? If compassion is your go-to, then great. If it’s not and you end up being harsh with yourself, try practicing saying the following to yourself, “How sad that I would ever be harsh with myself.”

Self-care is not all or nothing. Three to five minutes can go a long way. Try not to fall into the trap of thinking you must go to yoga 3/times a week or to the gym 3/times a week or go swimming every other day or meditate daily for 30 minutes and anything less than that means you’re not prioritizing yourself and therefore you are less than others or that you’ll never be good at taking care of yourself so how can you take care of a child, etc. and on it goes. It doesn’t work that way.

Self-care begins in your mind by choosing to adopt a thought pattern that has movement. Judgmental thoughts have no movement. They end with the judgment and then replay. 

So, if you’re feeling jealous or wishing you had something that you don’t have or you feel left out, or you feel triggered by being single when you want to be partnered or by being partnered with the wrong person, or if you live in fear of missing out (FOMO) or you are suffering in any way or if you believe that if you lost 15 pounds everything would be better, etc. the first step isn’t trying to strategize the problem away.

The first step is to administer self-compassion. This is what self-compassion sounds like. Take a breath and say out loud any version of the following, “If feel _________________ [fill in the blank] sad/upset/angry/distraught/annoyed/disappointed that I would ever feel this way.” “Ouch.” 

Then pause. Truly take in the words and hear them and feel them. Give yourself a moment to notice that you are hurting. Then breathe again. You will be surprised at how much this moment in time can yield. A potential tear might surface. You might touch on some unresolved grief that needs your attention. That is what I call movement. If when you were very young you did not feel seen and wished that someone would have noticed that you were hurting, then this might not come so easily. But that doesn't mean it won’t come with practice. This is a muscle to exercise. This is something to practice many times a day because I have no doubt that you have judgmental thoughts more than once a day.

Over time you will come up with your own statements of compassion that will be specific to you. Starting with something general is a perfect place to start.

Let’s look at what self-care looks like practically. It starts in your mind with deliberate thoughts. Then it’s about action steps. Then it’s about celebrating yourself in all the ways you can imagine.

For some people organizing one drawer in their kitchen will yield calming energy and inner pride. And for others, it will be something else. For example:

Take a bubble bath.
Write down five things in which you can feel inner pride.
Close your eyes and for five minutes go on vacation with your mind. Take yourself to your favorite location and picture yourself there.
Sit and close your eyes for three to five minutes and breathe in and out with deliberate thoughts. For example, breathing in the thought, “I am good.” Then breathing out, “I am good.”
Look over the last year and notice three things that you’re pleased about.

You might do some yoga or stretching or meditating, but the point is that self-care comes in little bits and pieces. It grows from there. You’ll discover what’s right for you.

I wish you peace, well-being, and liberation from all that feels oppressive to you.

PS: At the end of each chapter of our book Motherhood-Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity by Denise L. Carlini & Ann Davidman, we have a self-care section where we make at least two suggestions of self-care.

 

How to Put Aside Your Externals To Discover Your Desire About Parenthood

Many things can go into your ambivalence or anxiety about having children, including:

Fear of pregnancy

Fear of giving birth

Debt

Loving your career

Age

And so many other concerns.

If I told you to put those issues aside (even only temporarily) as if they were of no consequence, you’d think I was out of my mind. Much of what you are concerned about is relevant, it’s just not relevant while you are sorting out and understanding what drives your desire from the inside out. All of it only gets in the way of clarity.

So how would putting these issues aside even be possible?

I was quoted in a NYT’s article Scared to Be a Parent? saying, “… the key to clarity is not focusing on external factors, such as being scared of pregnancy or childbirth, concerned about money, or family and societal pressures.”

This statement doesn’t paint the full picture of what Denise L. Carlini and I are trying to convey in our book, Motherhood-Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity.

”We’re not saying your externals are unimportant; rather they’re unimportant right now. What needs to be known first is what you want for yourself regardless of the circumstances of your life. When what you want becomes clear, and it’s time to think about your decision going forward, some of the details of your life will be relevant and others will no longer play an active part in your decision. In the meantime, trying to make a decision based on your internal emotions and the externals in your life at the same time creates all kinds of pressure. Another way this can be said is that trying to figure out your desire and your decision at the same time creates gridlock (page 42).”

If you consider the externals of your life before you have clarity of your desire, the fears that you carry will get in the way of your decision-making process. Considering them prematurely only adds to the confusion.

Identify the externals

First, you need to identify the externals before you can put them aside.

Your externals are anything that pull at your attention, whether they’re rational or irrational. Externals fool you into believing that if you can figure them out or resolve them, then you’ll finally be able to decide about parenthood.

The two most common externals are age and relationship status. If you’re partnered and you want something different than your partner, you might be wondering if you should end the relationship to meet someone else. If you're single, you might want to be in a relationship before you become a parent. There are endless scenarios and they all need to be put aside — either for the duration of the process laid out in our book or until you have clarity of your desire.

Other external issues can be: health issues, career decisions, finances, where to live, when to start a family, political environment, population of the planet, climate change, etc. Each person has their own unique concerns based on their life and their experiences.

Fears are often entangled in the externals — the most common being the fear of regret. Then there are the fears about pregnancy, giving birth, having a special-needs child, being a good enough parent, sleep deprivation, time constraints, etc. It’s incredibly easy to not only feel overwhelmed but also believe that you need to face and resolve all of these fears before you can decide.

This is not the case. In fact, it’s the opposite.

Put aside the externals

Putting aside the externals of your life is scary and unnatural. It’s not easy. It doesn’t make sense. Yet, it still must be done. Considering your externals while you’re exploring your desire will only muddy the waters and get in the way of your true desire.

Women experience internal conflict for several reasons, but growing up in a pro-natalist society that perpetuates the myth that women are supposed to want children increases women's anxiety. Women can't and shouldn't be painted in such broad strokes. Instead, many women:

Feel they’re supposed to want children but don’t.

Never wanted children but wish they did.

Really don’t want to become a parent but can’t reconcile how to choose a childfree life.

Want to become a parent but don’t feel maternal.

Anything you can think of exists. This is personal, and everyone has their own unique experience of ambivalence.

Make a list of your externals, fold it up, and put it in a jar or envelope that is out of sight and, hopefully, out of mind. Then turn inward to see if you can find what you want for yourself and why.

Discover your desire

The first thing to work towards is a deep understanding of your desire. What do you want and why. What drives it? You want to determine if the truth of your desire is based on a reaction or on a deep knowing inside of you.

The clearer you are about your desire, the easier it will be to make a decision. Then you can navigate the externals in your life and tend to your fears.

Putting aside your externals means you are forced to look within. Introspection can feel scary but I hope that by the time you finish the process laid out in the book or your own personal process, it will be your default. It’s worth the effort. You’re worth the effort. You can do this!

© 2022 Ann Davidman

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How to Put Aside Your Externals To Discover Your Desire About Parenthood

Many things can go into your ambivalence or anxiety about having children, including:

Fear of pregnancy

Fear of giving birth

Debt

Loving your career

Age

And so many other concerns.

If I told you to put those issues aside (even only temporarily) as if they were of no consequence, you’d think I was out of my mind. Much of what you are concerned about is relevant, it’s just not relevant while you are sorting out and understanding what drives your desire from the inside out. All of it only gets in the way of clarity.

So how would putting these issues aside even be possible?

I was quoted in a NYT’s article Scared to Be a Parent? saying, “… the key to clarity is not focusing on external factors, such as being scared of pregnancy or childbirth, concerned about money, or family and societal pressures.”

This statement doesn’t paint the full picture of what Denise L. Carlini and I are trying to convey in our book, Motherhood-Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity.

”We’re not saying your externals are unimportant; rather they’re unimportant right now. What needs to be known first is what you want for yourself regardless of the circumstances of your life. When what you want becomes clear, and it’s time to think about your decision going forward, some of the details of your life will be relevant and others will no longer play an active part in your decision. In the meantime, trying to make a decision based on your internal emotions and the externals in your life at the same time creates all kinds of pressure. Another way this can be said is that trying to figure out your desire and your decision at the same time creates gridlock (page 42).”

If you consider the externals of your life before you have clarity of your desire, the fears that you carry will get in the way of your decision-making process. Considering them prematurely only adds to the confusion.

Identify the externals

First, you need to identify the externals before you can put them aside.

Your externals are anything that pull at your attention, whether they’re rational or irrational. Externals fool you into believing that if you can figure them out or resolve them, then you’ll finally be able to decide about parenthood.

The two most common externals are age and relationship status. If you’re partnered and you want something different than your partner, you might be wondering if you should end the relationship to meet someone else. If you're single, you might want to be in a relationship before you become a parent. There are endless scenarios and they all need to be put aside — either for the duration of the process laid out in our book or until you have clarity of your desire.

Other external issues can be: health issues, career decisions, finances, where to live, when to start a family, political environment, population of the planet, climate change, etc. Each person has their own unique concerns based on their life and their experiences.

Fears are often entangled in the externals — the most common being the fear of regret. Then there are the fears about pregnancy, giving birth, having a special-needs child, being a good enough parent, sleep deprivation, time constraints, etc. It’s incredibly easy to not only feel overwhelmed but also believe that you need to face and resolve all of these fears before you can decide.

This is not the case. In fact, it’s the opposite.

Put aside the externals

Putting aside the externals of your life is scary and unnatural. It’s not easy. It doesn’t make sense. Yet, it still must be done. Considering your externals while you’re exploring your desire will only muddy the waters and get in the way of your true desire.

Women experience internal conflict for several reasons, but growing up in a pro-natalist society that perpetuates the myth that women are supposed to want children increases women's anxiety. Women can't and shouldn't be painted in such broad strokes. Instead, many women:

Feel they’re supposed to want children but don’t.

Never wanted children but wish they did.

Really don’t want to become a parent but can’t reconcile how to choose a childfree life.

Want to become a parent but don’t feel maternal.

Anything you can think of exists. This is personal, and everyone has their own unique experience of ambivalence.

Make a list of your externals, fold it up, and put it in a jar or envelope that is out of sight and, hopefully, out of mind. Then turn inward to see if you can find what you want for yourself and why.

Discover your desire

The first thing to work towards is a deep understanding of your desire. What do you want and why. What drives it? You want to determine if the truth of your desire is based on a reaction or on a deep knowing inside of you.

The clearer you are about your desire, the easier it will be to make a decision. Then you can navigate the externals in your life and tend to your fears.

Putting aside your externals means you are forced to look within. Introspection can feel scary but I hope that by the time you finish the process laid out in the book or your own personal process, it will be your default. It’s worth the effort. You’re worth the effort. You can do this!