Ann Davidman's Blog, page 3

Ambivalence About Whether to Become a Parent Can Be Healthy

Some people love children but don’t necessarily want to have them or parent them.

Unable to resolve the tension between these two polarities, they remain in a prolonged state of ambivalence. 

Others avoid making a decision until one day they realize they’re too old to have a biological child. The choice not to have a child is made for them, by default.

Or, sometimes, people remain ambivalent to avoid facing grief and other people’s reactions to their decisions. 

Sustained, unhealthy ambivalence can stand in the way of your ability to move forward in your life. Unhealthy ambivalence ties up energy. It’s immobilizing. It causes pain. 

Yet, ambivalence is not necessarily unhealthy, says Ann Davidman, Parenthood Clarity Mentor of more than 30 years.

A healthy form of ambivalence doesn’t render you immobilized; rather it’s characterized by curiosity and the ability to sustain the uncertainty of not knowing without stress or judgment. 

Healthy ambivalence means you’re in touch with how you feel, including negative feelings, and you aren’t overly afraid of those feelings. You’re not overwhelmed…

Without any self-judgment, consider the role ambivalence has played in your struggle to decide whether to become a parent. Has it served you in any way?

In the Motherhood Clarity Course and Fatherhood Clarity Course, Ann will guide you through her proven step-by-step decision-making method to help you work through any unhealthy ambivalence to uncover your inner truth and discover what’s right for you.

Sign up for our waitlist to get notified when the next course opens.

Feeling Stuck About Whether to Become a Parent?Shame & Self-Sabotage Might Be to Blame

Did you know your decision-making process can be knocked off-course by the twin perils of shame and self-sabotage?

Ann Davidman, Parenthood Clarity Mentor of more than 30 years, sees it all the time in her clients and students.

We all experience and suffer from shame to some degree — and it often carries the toxic message I don’t matter or I’m inherently bad. This kind of shame can distort your perspective on just about everything, including whether or not you want to become a parent.

Identifying shame is often tricky because it’s so closely tied to other emotions. When shame binds to anger, fear, or disappointment, you have to tease out each of the emotions, separating them so you can heal. 

Still trying to figure out whether shame is a component of your complex emotions? Ask yourself if there’s anything you feel like you can’t share with those you love and trust the most. If the answer is yes, you’re likely carrying some shame that needs to be unearthed and addressed.

Self-sabotage is another common obstacle to making conscious decisions for the betterment of your life. 

It sounds strange at first— why would anyone want to destroy their own ability to make decisions? And because self-sabotage is an unconscious act, it’s hard to recognize.

There’s a part of your psyche that responds to crisis and difficulty — including the process of making life-changing decisions — that developed when you were a child. This means your instinctive coping strategies likely aren’t informed by the knowledge and experience that comes later in life. Instead, they’re leftover protective mechanisms you won’t need in most adult situations.

You don’t need any unnecessary obstacles in your way when you’re deciding whether to become a parent. Shame and self-sabotage can not only slow you down but stop you in your tracks.

When you join Ann for her Motherhood Clarity Course and Fatherhood Clarity Course. you’ll move through her step-by-step clarity process, saving crucial time that can be better spent deciding what you truly desire, with your heart wide open.

Sign up for our waitlist to get notified when the next course opens.

People Tell Me I’ll “Just Know.”But Will I Regret Not Having Kids?

“I’m scared of picking the wrong path.”
— Elle Hunt, freelance journalist

Elle describes herself as a thirty-something woman who’ll struggle with the question of whether to have children until, as she puts it “the train leaves the station for good.”

A fertility doctor once told her, “If you think about it, women have to get almost all their life events into a period of about 15 years: career, having children.”

Meanwhile, time keeps passing.

So where can women — and men — who are struggling with whether to have children turn for clarity? Elle consulted many experts, and Ann Davidman, MFT and Parenthood Clarity Mentor of more than 30 years, was among them.

When you’re clear about your decision, you can live without regret, Ann explained to Elle. While it’s understandable to fear choosing the wrong path, when you’re clear on your reasoning you “don’t just sleepwalk into it.”

Perhaps counterintuitively, Ann says that consulting too many other people about your decision can add to your confusion. Despite the growing awareness surrounding family planning, fertility, and the childfree movements, discussing these topics remains challenging. 

In the past, Ann would often counsel individuals in their late 30s or early 40s, but nowadays, she encounters people in their early 30s or even their 20s. One constant is that people still express feeling alone as they tell her, "I thought I was the only one who didn't know."

What else did Elle discover about her parenthood dilemma while talking to Ann and other experts in the field?

Check out Elle’s full article in The Guardian here.

You can learn more about joining Ann for her Motherhood Clarity Course or Fatherhood Clarity Course, a safe space where conflict and ambivalence are not only accepted but normalized as a rite of passage to self-acceptance and clarity.

Why I Don’t Work With Couples as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor

After working as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor for 30 years, the first thing I tell people who contact me is that they’re not alone in feeling unsure about whether to become a parent.

I let them know I’m happy to help them think about how to move forward so they can make a decision that feels right for them.

Over the years, I’ve noticed that some people are surprised to find that when they’re struggling to decide whether to become a parent, I treat it not as a couple’s issue, but as an individual one.

When both you and your partner have clarity about what you want from the inside out — and understand why it’s what you want — decision-making conversations between the two of you is much easier to navigate.

Each of you deserves your own private, uncensored process to discover your own truth.

The goal is not for your desire and decision to be the same, but to understand the why behind each. When you understand your true desire, you have more options when it comes time to make a decision.

I’ve worked with both people in a couple simultaneously as well as only
one person in the couple.

Ultimately, you’ll decide together. Yet, before a productive conversation can

occur, at least one of you (preferably both of you) needs to be clear on your true desire, rather than bending to outside pressures about what you should want.

During my 30-minute Discovery Sessions, I prefer to talk with one person in the couple; the one who feels most ambivalent. If you and your partner each feel ambivalent, then you can each make an appointment with me.

Another option is to read the book, Motherhood-Is It For Me? and work through the program on your own. Don’t be fooled by the title! Men read this book as well and change the pronouns. The program is laid out in great detail. You can also download the 13 guided visualizations presented in the book for free here.

You can also explore my group programs, Motherhood Clarity Course (featuring two different formats) and Fatherhood Clarity Course.

No matter where you or your partner are on your journey, I’m here to support you in making a decision you feel good about, once and for all.

My best,
Ann

I’m Non-Binary. Should I Take the Motherhood or Fatherhood Clarity Course?

"Hi Ann, 

I’m considering taking either the Motherhood Clarity Course or the Fatherhood Clarity Course . Yet, I don’t identify with either being male or female. I identify as non-binary , and I do get a bit frustrated about how everything is gendered, especially when it comes to parenthood.

The idea of motherhood or fatherhood just doesn’t resonate with me — I want to be a good parent, if I choose to become a parent.

Which course do you recommend that I take? How are they different? "

— Name Withheld

Dear Friend,

I understand your frustration.

I’ve been doing this work for more than 30 years. We started with our focus on women because the issues they were facing were different from men.

We soon realized men also wanted help with their indecision, confusion, and ambivalence. Shortly after we created the program for women we created one for men.

Protnatalism, sexism, and women’s oppression have had a negative impact on all humans, but especially women. This is why I’ve always separated the groups into women and men.

I’ve had other people who identify as non-binary go through the course.

My recommendation is that they choose the gender that corresponds to how they were raised. 

If you were raised as a girl, take the Motherhood Clarity Course. 

If you were raised as a boy, take the Fatherhood Clarity Course.

When discussing parenthood, I use the terms parenthood/motherhood/fatherhood to mean the same thing. They’re all about taking on the responsibility of raising a human.

Even though I view sexuality and gender as fluid in our society, to date, girls and boys are treated differently when it comes to pronatalism.

The Parenthood Clarity Courses examine how we were hurt as young people (directly and indirectly) and the beliefs that we internalized without realizing it. The course is designed to bring forth what I call unconscious “recordings” — our own repetitive thoughts that we’re not aware of.

I’ve had students who use the pronouns they/them. I do my best to create safety for everyone in the group. At this point in time in our society, I don’t believe that mixing men and women would create the same safe space, as the early wounds are different for each group.

However, I’ve found that students from a variety of backgrounds and life circumstances find they have more in common with one another than not.

All of the LIVE sessions are a judgment-free zone. This course is open to you no matter your age, cultural background, sexual or gender identity, career, job, relationship status, current circumstance, etc.

I hope my explanation helps you decide which course is best for you. If neither course feels right, then I recommend reading our book, Motherhood, Is It For Me?, and changing the pronouns as needed.

My co-author Denise L. Carlini and I first wrote this book for women, because they were more negatively impacted by this issue in society at the time.

However, men and non-binary people have read and benefited from the book, as the content is about the unhealed wounds each of us carries, no matter our gender identity.

Let me know if you have any other questions!

My best,
Ann

 

Do You Want to Become a Father?How to Face Your Biggest Fears & Decide What’s Best For You.

"I always figured I’d become a father."

"Becoming a father seemed like the default, given the combined messages from my family and society."

"I was just waiting for the right time to become a father, but it hasn’t happened."

Do any of these sound familiar? I hear these sentiments all the time from the men I work with as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor. Like everyone I work with, men don’t want to sleepwalk into parenthood.

When you’re unsure about whether to become a father, you want to know what’s right for you. If you’re partnered, you likely want to get clear on what’s best for the relationship.

You may also have fallen victim to one of the biggest myths about deciding whether to become a father — that the issue would naturally resolve itself at some point.

In my 30+ years as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor, these are some of the most common fears I hear from men. Do they resonate with you?

You don’t want to be like your own father, who sacrificed so much to provide for the family — or, you believe you can’t live up to the great father you had

You fear losing your physical and financial freedom. You can’t imagine how a kid would fit into your life

You have FOMO (fear of missing out) on the rewards of fatherhood, but also fear missing out on your perceived freedom

Deep down, you’re worried your relationship may end over this issue, no matter what you decide

Thankfully, there’s a proven method to make sure your fears don’t drive your decision.

How to Begin The Parenthood Clarity Process

Your first step is to accept that you don’t yet know whether you want to become a father, and you don’t deserve any blame for that.

Decide to not know on purpose. By deciding that you don’t know what you want, you put yourself in the most open position to receive new information. Even if you have an inkling of what you want, it’s best to keep it at bay for a period of time. What I tell people is that, if something is true, it will remain true.


List your external influences and fears. Externals are all the outside factors that stem from your culture, family, and environment that feed into your ambivalence or anxiety about having children (or not having them).
  Place your list in a box or envelope, and put it away and out of sight.

Accept that these items are irrelevant for now. They might be relevant when it comes time to decide, but right now you are focused on discovering what you truly want.


You’re now ready for some exercises that will help bring unconsidered beliefs and assumptions to the foreground. Consider these writing prompts: How has not being able to decide impacted your life? What has it cost you?

You can engage in some stream-of-consciousness writing – meaning, just write what comes to mind. Write freely about all that has gone well in your life and what hasn't gone well. What have you appreciated about your parents and what has been challenging?

Take what you’ve written, and allow yourself space and time to process what has come up for you. Clarity will develop little by little as you complete each step of the process…

In my Fatherhood Clarity Course, I guide you step-by-step through my proven method — to uncover your inner truth and discover what’s right for you. As you’ll discover, there’s no correct answer — there’s only your answer.

It’s hard to set aside the expectations and judgment of others during this process, but ultimately, the goal isn’t for others to feel good about your decision to become a father or to live child-free. 

The goal is for you to feel good about your decision. You want your decision to come from an internal and authentic place, not as a reaction to outside forces. Only you can know what’s true for you.

You don’t have to go through this process alone — find out more about the Fatherhood Clarity Course here.

Where Your FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) on Parenthood Really Comes From

As you’ve been out and about this summer, have you seen families on vacation who looked like they were having a wonderful time — the loving parents and adorable children who all seem so connected and sweet with one another?

You might have said to yourself, If I don’t have children, I won’t have that. I’m afraid I’ll miss out.

On the other hand, when if you saw vacationing families that looked miserable, it might have reaffirmed the idea that you want to live child-free. 

You might have thought, I’m loving life the way it is — why would I disrupt it for a miserable time? 

Then, five minutes later, you might see that same family laughing and having a good time. It can be crazy-making as your thoughts bounce back and forth... 

Fear of Missing Out (FOMO)

The popular FOMO acronym has been used since the early 2000s, but the idea has been around as long as anxiety and fear have existed. 

Fear of missing out is about fear itself more than the idea it’s attached to. 

Over the years I’ve found that once someone understands the root cause of their specific FOMO, they discover that it’s more about trying to make up for a missed opportunity from the past, rather than avoiding a future missed experience. 

It’s likely that, in your past, something didn’t happen that should have, and you were left alone to process your feelings. You likely vowed to never miss out on an opportunity again that will allow you to feel good… 

From there, it turned into a tightly held belief that never got challenged. 

Decide To Be Curious About Your Fear

The fear element of FOMO is the belief that you won’t be okay. So, what if you knew you would be okay if you missed out on an experience? 

All choices involve loss. If you choose one path you won’t have the experience of the other path. It happens every day, and in most cases, you don’t even think about it because you know you’re going to be fine. (Of course, the stakes are higher when deciding about raising children or living child-free.)

It’s time to be curious about your fear. When you feel yourself experiencing FOMO, pause to identify what you’re imagining you’ll miss out on. Is it an unmet need from your childhood, or an unhealed wound? 

What is it that you’re longing for? 

Allow Yourself to Grieve What Never Was

There’s a difference between a desire for an experience and trying to recreate something that never was. If something in your life never got to be, then you must explore the unhealed wounds of that experience. 

If you find yourself longing for something you see, or find yourself longing for something you’re imagining, this indicates that something in your past is likely unresolved. Something in your past didn’t unfold the way you wanted it to unfold or the way it should have unfolded. 

Spend a moment thinking about the things you’ve already missed out on. 

Have you spent time grieving the loss of what never got to be? This is more likely to give you answers than perseverating on FOMO. 

It’s easy to make up a story about what you imagine people are experiencing — when, in fact, you have no idea what was involved in their good time. You don’t know what was sacrificed, or whether someone is faking it for the good of the family. 

When you realize that you’re projecting your thoughts onto a situation and imagine you know how the people involved are feeling, then you can stop the projection. You can turn toward yourself to see where it hurts inside of you. 

Then you can move forward, toward clarity.  

You can’t know how you’ll feel in the future. You can only know how you want to feel in the future and understand why you want what you want. 

 Ann will be leading her powerful support-group style Motherhood Clarity Course for a small group of 6-8 women, starting in September 2023.

This Weekly Intensive Group is a rich, intimate group where each person will be given time to share their experience from the previous week, as well as share some of their writing from their assignments.

Explore all the details, and access our payment plans for a limited time.

Can’t Decide Whether to Become a Parent? First, Find Internal Spaciousness (Here’s How)

Do you want to be a parent? Do you want to remain child-free?

Are you feeling overwhelmed by not knowing how to answer either of those questions?

For many, deciding whether to become a parent is an easy decision. They know without a shadow of a doubt what they want. There’s no internal torture. Yet, that’s not everyone’s story…

If you’re feeling tortured by not knowing which path to choose, help is here.

When you’re navigating one of the biggest decisions of your lifetime, you’ll need internal spaciousness.

I’m sharing the beginning of your roadmap to freedom from mental gymnastics and indecision.

Why You Feel So Conflicted

You’re feeling tormented by this life-changing decision because you’re trying to figure out 1) what you want and 2) what you’re going to do about it at the same time.

You’re (understandably) merging these two questions — yet, each requires two separate, different processes to uncover the answer.

It’s just too much for one mind to think about all at once. It’s only natural you’d keep trying to fast-track these revelations, though, since you’re likely motivated by longstanding beliefs that just aren’t true, including:

There’s a right or wrong answer you need to uncover
You’re missing out while you spend time deciding
You won’t be okay if you choose the “wrong” answer
Whatever decision you make, you’ll regret it

When you’re in this tortured state of mind, you also can’t move forward. You stay stuck and miserable.

The Solution: Stop Thinking About It! (For Now)

It may sound counterintuitive, but it works — temporarily shift your attention to something else.

If you’re driving and you get to an intersection and you’re lost not knowing which way to go, it’s best to pull over, regroup, and get your bearings.

Stressing out in the intersection isn’t going to help!

Try This Breathing Practice to Regroup

Breathe. Take a step back for a moment. Regroup.

What does this look like practically? Pretend or decide (whichever works best for you) to not know what you want.

You are not trying to figure anything out. Instead, you’re choosing to not know what you want — even if you have an inkling about which way you’re leaning.

Next, it’s time to sit still and breathe with this practice to help you focus:

Exhale for 10 slow counts, until nothing is left
Allow your body to take in a breath on its own
Expand your upper chest while your body is inhaling
Repeat this process
Then, breathe naturally — with your eyes closed if you wish — and be very still. In the stillness, you’ll be able to notice the energy moving inside your body
Bring your focus to the physical sensations inside your body. Observe them while you stay still.
Notice whether the sensations change on their own.
Then bring your attention to your emotional sensations. Sometimes, you can notice them along the edges of the physical sensations.

There’s nothing to do here but observe.

There are no conclusions to draw. There’s nothing you need to change. When you’re still for long enough, you’ll likely feel your mind quiet down.

When you refocus your attention on your physical sensations it helps you get out of your looping thoughts (ruminating thinking). The result is internal spaciousness.

Rehashing what you already know has not yielded any benefit to date. Spend as much time as you can to experience the internal stillness and spaciousness, where there’s room for new thoughts and ideas to arrive.

You’ll need to go after this internal spaciousness intentionally. Practicing internal spaciousness for five minutes, three times per day, can go a long way! This muscle, when exercised gets stronger by the day...

This is how new information comes to you. Practice this internal spaciousness exercise and let me know how it goes!

More than anything, I want you to know this: it’s going to be okay. I say this with complete confidence after 30 years of working as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor.

You will make this decision. For now, though, choose not to decide, and focus on the internal spaciousness you deserve.

Do You Want to Be a Parent? Try Answering Ann's 5 Questions

During my 30+ years as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor, I’ve noticed that most of my clients and students come to me with a terrible case of mental gridlock.

They feel stuck and hopeless while trying to decide whether to become a parent.

The details of their specific struggles are all different, so how do they all arrive at this same difficult place?

The answer might surprise you!

It’s because they’re trying to figure out their desire and their decision at the same time. They don’t realize it’s just not possible to mull over both of these questions at the same time…

This creates mental gridlock, which feels overwhelming and leads to stress and anxiety…

Thankfully, there’s a solution.

I often start with five foundational questions to help my clients and students focus, relax, and begin the journey to clarity. Now I’m sharing these tried-and-true questions with you.

Grab a pen or your notes app and get ready for a heart-to-heart chat — with yourself — as you answer these questions (video above).

In my Motherhood, Fatherhood, and Private Clarity Courses, I’ll guide you to examine your innermost desires, beliefs, and fears from all angles with bravery and determination.

I’ll be right there with you as unresolved issues rise to the surface and healing takes place.

I’ll show you how to systematically identify your externals — those circumstances of your life including finances, health, age, relationships, support network, fears, and more — that you’ll place in a tightly sealed jar so you can focus on your internal world.

You’ll progress step-by-step towards peace of mind — and a decision that’s right for you with a proven system featuring meditations, mentorship, and live teachings.

As your journey to discover what’s right for you unfolds, you’ll receive powerful insights you can apply right away, so you can cultivate the clarity you deserve.

The next round of Clarity Courses begins in June 2023! Discover all the details of our Motherhood, Fatherhood, and Private Clarity Courses — including our selection of formats.

Undecided About Motherhood? Let’s Look at Your Relationship With Your Mother

As Mother’s Day approaches, how are you feeling?

If you’re tortured by indecision when it comes to motherhood, you might not feel so great during this time of the year.

Most women who can’t decide whether to become a parent don’t fully understand why and likely feel tortured by the indecision. Trying to think your way out of it only digs a deeper hole.

My heart goes out to you — and this is my Mother’s Day message…

Please assume there’s a very good reason you don’t know whether you want to become a mother or live child-free. Please have compassion for yourself...

Examine Your Relationship With Your Own Mother

While there are usually multiple reasons one doesn’t know which path to take when it comes to parenthood, your relationship with your own mother — whether it’s thriving, close, challenging, or non-existent — is worth examining.

Could you be harboring any internalized messaging that stands in the way of being able to decide what’s right for you?

Sometimes we internalize beliefs about parenthood we didn’t even realize we had — and they play in our heads all the time.

Your mother may have strong beliefs about motherhood that she’s never challenged. An unchallenged belief gets passed on to the next generation without awareness. It’s difficult to escape the pronatalism message that women should want to become mothers and want children.

Your mother might:

Want you to decide what’s best for you, while also wanting grandchildren. The message might feel mixed to you and as a result, you feel stopped in your tracks.
Want you to experience the wonder of motherhood as she did.
Not want you to experience the stress of motherhood as she did — and thinks you should opt out of being a parent.

As a result of these messages from your mother, you may have developed beliefs that are now getting in the way of making a clear decision.

Can you think of something you’ve said to yourself about motherhood or living child-free that you assumed was true — and never challenged it?

There’s No Risk in Challenging Your Beliefs — Try These Writing Prompts

You’ll benefit from challenging your beliefs — and determining whether your beliefs are yours — or if they’re beliefs you’ve internalized without realizing it. If an idea is indeed your belief, then challenging it will only make it stronger! There’s no risk in challenging something you believe in.

The following writing prompts will help you discover whether you’re holding on to beliefs that are worthy of challenging.

I encourage you to write out your answers, not just think about them. Stream-of-consciousness writing allows thoughts to come forward that we didn’t see coming.

What do you or did you appreciate most about your mother?
What messages (direct or indirect) did you get from her about becoming a parent or a mother?
Did your mother enjoy motherhood?
What was her greatest joy in being a mother to you?
Does your mother have any regrets about how she raised you?
How dependent was she on her role as a mother for her sense of self?
How much did the demands of motherhood compromise her sense of self?
What was meaningful to her in addition to you?
What would she have focused her attention on if she had not become a mother?
Does your mother expect you to be a parent like she was?
What is meaningful to you in your life now?
Does your mother know what’s meaningful to you?

Write down the following words and what each one means to you:

Mom, mum, mama, mommy, parent, or mother…
Do they feel empowering, warm & fuzzy, repulsive, etc?

You might realize you are holding on to judgment about some of them.

A Proven Roadmap For Making a Decision

As you review your writing, I hope you’re able to glean a piece of new information to help you move forward. Some of these exercises can be found in the book I wrote with Denise L. Carlini, Motherhood — Is It For Me? Your Step-by-Step Guide to Clarity. We wrote it so women everywhere could have access to this time-tested program.

If you’d like more support and guidance, I designed the Motherhood Clarity Course (and the Fatherhood Clarity Course (new format!), to provide a roadmap to making a clear decision — and help you understand what’s been standing in the way.

Registration is now open for the upcoming Motherhood Clarity Course and Fatherhood Clarity Course (new format!), both beginning in June 2023.

Only you can know what’s true for you. I’ll help you get there.