Ann Davidman's Blog, page 2

The Different Kinds of Heartacheon the Journey to Clarity(Ann’s Advice to a Student)

“When you’re up against a painful truth, we can handle that,” Parenthood Clarity™ Mentor Ann Davidman told a student in one of her classes.

“But when you’re up against confusion and anxiety, that’s just suffering and torture.”

Years ago, Ann created her proven clarity method so that people struggling with one of life’s biggest decisions — whether to become a parent or remain child-free — could uncover their inner truth and discover what’s right for them.

In this class excerpt, Ann describes the different reasons people contact her for help — including the issues they’re facing, the different parts of the parenthood decision they need to sort out, plus, how her students can expect to feel as she guides them through her clarity process…

Watch this brief clip from Ann’s class now:

The Different Kinds of Heartache on the
Journey to Clarity (Ann’s Advice to a Student)  

Ann has been helping people find their personal clarity since 1991. Through a variety of exercises, you, too, can explore the many feelings associated with making your decision.

The unconscious stories all around you — or as Ann calls them, recordings — can get in the way of your decision-making process. Thankfully, with focused intention and guidance from Ann, you can tease out these recordings and begin to transform them.

No matter how many years you’ve spent feeling stuck, how complicated your life feels right now, or how dysfunctional your childhood was — Ann’s step-by-step process can guide you to clarity.

Working With Ann

Are you ready to begin your journey to clarity? Ann offers a variety of resources and courses for anyone struggling with deciding whether to become a parent or remain child-free.

Read the book Motherhood-Is It For Me?
Enroll in one of Ann's carefully designed group Parenthood Clarity™ Courses: Motherhood Clarity™ Course (two formats), or Fatherhood Clarity™ Course
Work with Ann 1:1 in her Private Clarity™ Course

Join Ann’s Upcoming Free Online Event

Do you want to have kids or remain child-free?

Begin your journey to clarity as you start to unpack societal and family influences, fears, and unconscious beliefs — so you can decipher what you most want and need.

When you join us for this special 1-hour event,  you’ll also learn how you can continue working with Ann in an in-depth weekend workshop, if you’re feeling called. Ann has been helping people find their personal clarity since 1991 and has taken everything she’s learned and put it into a comprehensive, in-depth exploration of the deep-rooted pressures and expectations associated with parenthood.

If You’re Feeling Stuck,Stop Looking for the Answer

When it comes to whether you want to become a parent or remain child-free… the answer will come to you, says Ann Davidman, Parenthood Clarity™ Mentor of more than 30 years.

In fact, you should avoid intentionally looking for the answer! 

Does this approach sound completely counterintuitive — especially when you’ve been struggling with one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make?

You’re not the only one who feels this way at first…

Watch this excerpt from one of Ann’s classes as she explains this new mindset to one of her students:

If You’re Feeling Stuck, Stop Looking for the Answer

The Obstacle of Mental Gridlock

During her 30+ years as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor, she’s noticed that most of her clients and students come to her with a terrible case of what’s called mental gridlock.

Mental gridlock happens when they’re trying to figure out their desire and their decision at the same time. They don’t realize it’s just not possible to mull over both of these questions simultaneously.

They begin to feel overwhelmed, which leads to stress and anxiety.

Messaging From Our Pro-Natalist Society

Our culture often screams its conclusion loud and clear — you “should” want children and you “should” have children. 

Even if you're raised in a home without pressure or expectations around the issue of parenthood, you can't avoid the larger messaging from society that permeates virtually every message you encounter.

Of course, this larger culture messaging is a complete myth. Parenthood is an option, an incredibly personal choice you get to make for yourself. Only you know what your truth is.

External Influences

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “I already have all the information I need to decide about parenthood. There are no new ‘facts’ to uncover — I’m just rehashing the same old considerations and fears. And I’m stuck.”

The “same old stuff” you’re rehashing while trying to figure out what you want is likely coming from your external influences. These influences are woven so intricately into the fabric of your life that they’re almost imperceptible. They’re different for everyone, but often include finances, health, age, relationships, support network, fears, and more. 

To gain clarity, you must place these external influences in a tightly lidded jar so you can focus on your internal world. 

Ironically, what YOU truly desire on your deepest levels is likely the new information you need to make a decision. It comes from within, but it’s been buried under the subconscious messaging in your mind for so long that you’re not even aware of it.. 

Getting clear on what you want and why will absolutely feel like new information. Because it will be!

Working With Ann

Are you ready to begin your journey to clarity? Ann offers a variety of resources and courses for anyone struggling with deciding whether to become a parent or remain child-free.

Read the book Motherhood-Is It For Me?
Enroll in one of Ann's carefully designed group Parenthood Clarity™ Courses: Motherhood Clarity™ Course (two formats), or Fatherhood Clarity™ Course
Work with Ann 1:1 in her Private Clarity™ Course

Join Ann’s Upcoming Free Online Event

Do you want to have kids or remain child-free?

Begin your journey to clarity as you start to unpack societal and family influences, fears, and unconscious beliefs — so you can decipher what you most want and need.

When you join us for this special 1-hour event,  you’ll also learn how you can continue working with Ann in an in-depth weekend workshop, if you’re feeling called. Ann has been helping people find their personal clarity since 1991 and has taken everything she’s learned and put it into a comprehensive, in-depth exploration of the deep-rooted pressures and expectations associated with parenthood.

If You’re Feeling Stuck, Stop Looking for the Answer

When it comes to whether you want to become a parent or remain child-free… the answer will come to you, says Ann Davidman, Parenthood Clarity™ Mentor of more than 30 years.

In fact, you should avoid intentionally looking for the answer! 

Does this approach sound completely counterintuitive — especially when you’ve been struggling with one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make?

You’re not the only one who feels this way at first…

Watch this excerpt from one of Ann’s classes as she explains this new mindset to one of her students:

If You’re Feeling Stuck, Stop Looking for the Answer

The Obstacle of Mental Gridlock

During her 30+ years as a Parenthood Clarity Mentor, she’s noticed that most of her clients and students come to her with a terrible case of what’s called mental gridlock.

Mental gridlock happens when they’re trying to figure out their desire and their decision at the same time. They don’t realize it’s just not possible to mull over both of these questions simultaneously.

They begin to feel overwhelmed, which leads to stress and anxiety.

Messaging From Our Pro-Natalist Society

Our culture often screams its conclusion loud and clear — you “should” want children and you “should” have children. 

Even if you're raised in a home without pressure or expectations around the issue of parenthood, you can't avoid the larger messaging from society that permeates virtually every message you encounter.

Of course, this larger culture messaging is a complete myth. Parenthood is an option, an incredibly personal choice you get to make for yourself. Only you know what your truth is.

External Influences

Do you ever find yourself thinking, “I already have all the information I need to decide about parenthood. There are no new ‘facts’ to uncover — I’m just rehashing the same old considerations and fears. And I’m stuck.”

The “same old stuff” you’re rehashing while trying to figure out what you want is likely coming from your external influences. These influences are woven so intricately into the fabric of your life that they’re almost imperceptible. They’re different for everyone, but often include finances, health, age, relationships, support network, fears, and more. 

To gain clarity, you must place these external influences in a tightly lidded jar so you can focus on your internal world. 

Ironically, what YOU truly desire on your deepest levels is likely the new information you need to make a decision. It comes from within, but it’s been buried under the subconscious messaging in your mind for so long that you’re not even aware of it.. 

Getting clear on what you want and why will absolutely feel like new information. Because it will be!

Working With Ann

Are you ready to begin your journey to clarity? Ann offers a variety of resources and courses for anyone struggling with deciding whether to become a parent or remain child-free.

Read the book Motherhood-Is It For Me?
Enroll in one of Ann's carefully designed group Parenthood Clarity™ Courses: Motherhood Clarity™ Course (two formats), or Fatherhood Clarity™ Course
Work with Ann 1:1 in her Private Clarity™ Course

Join Ann’s Upcoming Free Online Event

Do you want to have kids or remain child-free?

Begin your journey to clarity as you start to unpack societal and family influences, fears, and unconscious beliefs — so you can decipher what you most want and need.

When you join us for this special 1-hour event,  you’ll also learn how you can continue working with Ann in an in-depth weekend workshop, if you’re feeling called. Ann has been helping people find their personal clarity since 1991 and has taken everything she’s learned and put it into a comprehensive, in-depth exploration of the deep-rooted pressures and expectations associated with parenthood.

The Vocabulary of Parenthood Clarity™

Let’s talk words. Semantics. Terminology.

In the context of the Parenthood Clarity™ Courses, I use the following terms and want to share with you what I mean when using them.

The following definitions are contextual — they are in the context of choosing between living child-free, becoming a parent, or adding more children to your life.

Pronatalism

A society that encourages parenthood — where having a child is the expected behavior of those who are able to have children — is a pronatalist society.

Because we live in a pronatalist society, many individuals feel pressure to have children — an expectation rather than a choice. People think they should just know whether or not they want to have kids and that their answer to becoming a parent should always be yes.

This pressure clouds true clarity of desire, and for many individuals, it makes it incredibly difficult to decide once and for all whether or not they want to become a parent.

 

Clarity of Desire

A deep knowing of the truth of your desire. This only concerns you and what you want for yourself.

This includes “why” you desire what you desire — why you want what you want. It’s a knowing that comes from the inside. This truth is not a reaction to an unhealed wound or a reaction to another person or something outside of you or society. You are not broken if you don’t know what you want. There is always a good reason why you don’t know.

Clarity is your birthright. You deserve to know what you want about parenthood, living child-free, or adding more children to your life. You deserve to know and understand what drives this desire from the inside out. It’s reasonable (with help) to discover this truth no matter how long you’ve struggled with a lack of clarity.

Clarity can feel like a whisper of a desire, or it can feel strong. One is not better than the other. Desire always remains separate from your decision.

Clarity of One’s Desire Can Be Neutral

The myth that one should just know what they want — and that they should feel excited about it — can make it hard to accept feeling neutral about parenthood or living child-free.

When one’s truth of their desire is neutral, they do not experience anxiety about their desire. They do not question it, nor do they try to have different feelings about it. They are resolved to know their truth. They are not ambivalent but instead can see a great life down either path.

They might have ideal conditions for either path in terms of deciding which to choose. Neutrality is often discovered when one realizes that it is okay not to have a big driving yes or no feeling about it.

Often there is something else of greater importance than being a parent. It could be the desire for a healthy, stable relationship. It could be the desire for job satisfaction. It could be a sense of freedom that they would be a good parent but don’t feel they need to be a parent. 

Indifference is not the same as neutrality. Indifference has a component of unexplored reactivity attached to it. There is a quality of apathy to it. Neutrality is pure acceptance of not wanting one over the other but being able to be fully on board with either choice. Indifference is more of a defense from wanting to know what is true for you. This is not the same as neutrality. It makes sense to care about one’s interests.

Ambivalence, Undecided, Indecision

All of these are the same. All can be experienced with anxiety, and they don’t have to be.

Ambivalence is a place where not knowing becomes the focus which increases anxiety. It’s where not knowing is stressful but not knowing how to figure it out adds even more stress and torture. Anxiety loves uncertainty. It’s the anxiety and ruminating that keeps one stuck. This is a torturous place to be. And it is through no fault of yours that you are there. There is always a good reason.

When you are constantly going back and forth trying to know something that you cannot know — but you think you should know —  is painful. You cannot know because there are unconscious recordings involved. The function of ambivalence or going back and forth is to keep you from feeling the grief and loss of not being able to decide. When you are caught in a ruminating loop in your head you cannot move forward.

Ambivalence or indecision can be experienced without anxiety and immobilization. However, this is not what most people experience during parenthood indecision. They don’t know how to hold ambivalence without anxiety, worry, or stress.

There is a way forward without anxiety and I can help you find it. Spending some time choosing not to know what you want or what you’re going to do about it (while doing some exercises) is the fastest and most efficient way to receive new information that will allow you to gain clarity and come to a decision.

 

Here are your next steps…

Access one of the many Free Resources I offer on my website.
Buy the book I co-wrote with Denise L. Carlini, Motherhood-Is It For Me?
Explore and register for one of my upcoming courses — Motherhood Clarity™ Course , Fatherhood Clarity™ Course , or my Parenthood Clarity™ Private Course .

Olympians of the Parenthood Decision

When I teach my classes or guide people through one of my 3-month Parenthood Clarity™ Courses (for Motherhood or Fatherhood), there is always some news that impacts everyone across the globe — not just a local area.

The COVID-19 pandemic impacted everyone, no matter what country they lived in. 

New and ongoing wars impact everyone, natural disasters, etc. When we meet on a Zoom call with people calling in from Australia, the UK, Europe, Canada and the US, everyone’s hearts open to others.

And now, we have the 2024 Olympics in Paris.

I recently told one of my classes that they are participating in the Olympics of the Parenthood Decision. Truly exploring this decision is not for the faint of heart. There are not three or five or ten easy steps then — viola — you have your answer. No. 

You decide to look directly into yourself. You decide you are willing to look at unresolved issues you didn’t even know were there. You decide to work through exercises that take you to places you never expected to go.

Many people arrive in my courses with their lives in pretty good shape, but this undecided issue stands in the way of them moving forward. They are relieved to find the course, but they are also scared to know the outcome. For many people, the outcome has consequences that will be hard to face — like the possibility of ending a relationship. Or telling parents that there will not be grandchildren. 

I’ve always entertained calling the course The Parenthood Decision Boot Camp, but I don’t want to scare people away.

It does take an Olympian effort. AND while it can feel excruciating at times it is doable. 

Especially when you are not alone on the journey. When you can feel that you are not the only one – the weight is lifted. 

I am a cheerleader. I have been doing this work for 33 years. There isn’t a situation that I haven’t seen or heard about. I know the business of human beings — I know how resilient they are. I am able to hold out hope because of what I’ve witnessed again and again from participants in my courses. 

I know the freedom that people feel when there is clarity. I know that even when they are in the deepest discomfort, they will get to the other side of it — even if they are not sure. I know they will experience a weight lifted off of your shoulders.

Sign up for our mailing list so you can be the first to hear about new courses and opportunities to gain clarity for yourself (including Free Q&A’s, Weekend Workshops, and recent blogs).

Only you can know what is true for you… let me help you get there.

Ann's Feature In iNews (UK): Fatherhood Clarity™ Course

Are you ruminating on these kinds of thoughts?

“I always figured I’d become a father.”

“Becoming a father seemed like the default, given the combined messages from my family and society.”

“I was just waiting for the right time to become a father, but it hasn’t happened.”

Or maybe your partner wants children but you still just can’t find clarity around your desires.

Ann often hears reflections like these from the men she works with as a Parenthood Clarity™ Mentor. Like all of Ann's clients and students, these men don’t want to sleepwalk into parenthood.

If you’re unsure about whether to become a father, Ann’s feature in iNews: At 40, I wasn’t sure I wanted children – I took a fatherhood course to find out is for you.

Hear firsthand from Sam, a past participant in Ann’s Fatherhood Clarity™ Course, as he describes how Ann’s proven three-month program for men helped him understand his anxieties about being a parent.

An excerpt from Eleanor Peake’s article…

One night last summer, Sam couldn’t sleep. His new girlfriend had just told him she wanted to have children. At 40, he had never felt that primal urge telling him to go forth and multiply, but had never considered he would have a life without children either. After visiting a gynecologist with his partner, he couldn’t escape a gnawing fear.

“My girlfriend is 41. She told me she had some eggs frozen and the gynecologist explained that it needed to happen soon. I didn’t want to let her down, and I knew I needed to be there for her but it felt very urgent. It all kind of hit me,” he says. That night he lay in bed, unable to shut out his fears. “I value my freedom and if I was going to be a father, I wanted to be a good dad. I was worried that a child was going to get in the way of my freedom, and I wouldn’t like that which would then make me act like a bad dad,” he says. “Money was also a massive worry; life feels so expensive at the moment. A child would make that worse.”

Ann Davidman has seen these fears play out before. For 33 years the therapist and author has run the Fatherhood Clarity course; a three-month online talking therapy course to help men understand whether parenthood is the right decision for them. “It is a myth that every parent should feel this urge to have children,” she says. “Ambivalence around parenthood is extremely common and much more complex than what appears on the surface.”

Click here to read the full article and see if Ann’s course is right for you!

"The Fatherhood Whisperer," Ann Davidman Featured in GQ Series

Do you want to become a father? Or do you think you should want to? 

What if your partner doesn’t agree about whether to have children?

For more than 30 years, Ann Davidman, MFT, has helped men from all over the world make the biggest decision of their lives — whether to become a father or remain childfree. 

Ann was recently featured in a popular GQ article, “The Fatherhood Whisperer.” It’s part of GQ’s“ Daddy Issues” series that explores modern fatherhood in its many forms.

Read the full article, The Fatherhood Whisperer, right here on GQ!

This fascinating deep-dive shares snapshots of three students that have taken Ann’s trailblazing Fatherhood Clarity Course over the years:

33-year-old Matthew, who would like to have a child, but whose girlfriend, Michelle, already has a child and doesn’t want more. Could he live without having a child of his own?
33-year-old Ammar, who couldn’t decide whether he wanted a child after turning over the question for years, through successive relationships. As he put it, he “needed a different methodology.”
41-year-old Andrew, now the father of a 3-year-old, who took Ann’s course in 2018 when he sought an objective way to separate his decision about parenthood from external pressures.

You’ll also learn how Ann got started on this path as a therapist long ago — a journey that grew out of her own ambivalence about parenthood.

While the details of your struggle might be different, we have a feeling you’ll recognize parts of yourself in these stories.

Discover more of what Ann has to offer in her Motherhood Clarity™ and Fatherhood Clarity™ Courses here you’ll be guided step-by-step through her proven method — to uncover your inner truth and discover what’s right for you.

Ann's Feature on the "Do I Want Kids?" Podcast with Laura Henshaw

As the host of the popular podcast KICPOD, a top-50 podcast in Australia, Laura Henshaw was pleasantly surprised at the overwhelmingly supportive listener feedback she received when she recently raised a certain “taboo” topic on her show…

Does she want children?
Or does she want to remain childfree?

“I have never been inundated with more messages than after I spoke about the issue for the first time on the podcast,” Laura says.

For “people between the ages of 20 and 40, who don’t feel ‘born’ to be a mother or parent, there is so much shame around their decision and so many feel alone in this feeling, when it is incredibly common.”

In response to the listener feedback, Laura launched a 7-part limited series on her KICPOD podcast, “Do I Want Kids?” The first episode dropped this last Wednesday, May 15 — and who better to welcome as the featured guest than the Parenthood Clarity™ Mentor herself, our own Ann Davidman?

Listen in to the first episode of “Do I Want Kids?”

Ann and Laura discuss the question in a safe and honest space. (Additional episodes debut every Wednesday and Friday for seven episodes.)

You’ll hear that Laura struggles with many of the same issues that likely ring true for you.

Laura wonders about “the fear of losing ourselves, giving up a life we love, the impact children can have on our relationships, our inner selves, are all so very common. And if we do decide to have kids, is it even possible for us? Although parenthood is a choice, it’s not always guaranteed,” she says.

We hope you’ll listen, enjoy the show, and remember once again that you’re not alone on this journey to clarity.

Learn more about Ann's Motherhood Clarity™ and Fatherhood Clarity™ Courses!

Where Does All the Pressure Around Parenthood Come From?

The pressure you’re feeling to make a decision about parenthood can be self-imposed, or come from external factors — ranging from antsy parents and in-laws to the so-called biological clock. 

The pressure can be real or imagined. 

It can be very difficult to untangle the knots caused by pressure, as self-imposed pressures can mix with internalized messages from partners, parents, and others, says Ann Davidman, Parenthood Clarity Mentor of more than 30 years.

And then there’s judgment. Deciding not to have children can be a big deal in a society that still clings to messages such as: 

“Having a child is your duty.”
“The only acceptable reason not to have children is infertility.”
“People have been having children since time began!” 

People have also, of course, not been having children! By choice. 

Yet, the subject of having children (or not) arouses strong feelings even from people who seldom have opinions on anything, because it can intersect with their ideas about right and wrong. 

It can be hard to keep your sense of perspective and not succumb to societal pressure when you’re essentially being assaulted with messages that bring with them the baggage of shame. 

You can feel compelled to pretend you want to be a parent even if you don’t. Feeling that pressure can keep you stuck in the state of secretly hoping that your desire to be a parent will suddenly appear, believing that will relieve the pressure.

There are few topics as emotionally charged as this one, and it’s one of the many reasons Ann created her proven decision-making process many years ago.

Now you’re invited to be part of Ann’s judgment-free community when you join her Motherhood Clarity Course and Fatherhood Clarity Course. (You can sign up for our waitlist to get notified when the next course opens).

As your mentor, Ann will guide you, step-by-step, to (finally!) arrive at the confident clarity you desire and deserve.

Where Does All the Pressure Around Parenthood Come From?

The pressure you’re feeling to make a decision about parenthood can be self-imposed, or come from external factors — ranging from antsy parents and in-laws to the so-called biological clock. 

The pressure can be real or imagined. 

It can be very difficult to untangle the knots caused by pressure, as self-imposed pressures can mix with internalized messages from partners, parents, and others, says Ann Davidman, Parenthood Clarity Mentor of more than 30 years.

And then there’s judgment. Deciding not to have children can be a big deal in a society that still clings to messages such as: 

“Having a child is your duty.”
“The only acceptable reason not to have children is infertility.”
“People have been having children since time began!” 

People have also, of course, not been having children! By choice. 

Yet, the subject of having children (or not) arouses strong feelings even from people who seldom have opinions on anything, because it can intersect with their ideas about right and wrong. 

It can be hard to keep your sense of perspective and not succumb to societal pressure when you’re essentially being assaulted with messages that bring with them the baggage of shame. 

You can feel compelled to pretend you want to be a parent even if you don’t. Feeling that pressure can keep you stuck in the state of secretly hoping that your desire to be a parent will suddenly appear, believing that will relieve the pressure.

There are few topics as emotionally charged as this one, and it’s one of the many reasons Ann created her proven decision-making process many years ago.

Now you’re invited to be part of Ann’s judgment-free community when you join her Motherhood Clarity Course and Fatherhood Clarity Course. (You can sign up for our waitlist to get notified when the next course opens).

As your mentor, Ann will guide you, step-by-step, to (finally!) arrive at the confident clarity you desire and deserve.