Catherine Pearlman's Blog, page 4

Unsupervised Parties and A Control Freak for 11/11/2017

Dear Family Coach: This year we moved our two high school kids to a new area. Both kids report having no friends. It's been a difficult transition. They say the only way they can make friends is if I allow them to go to parties. But all of the parties are unsupervised. Do I have to let them go? —Feeling Guilty

Dear Guilty: I'm guessing the move wasn't their choice so you feel more responsible for their happiness. Hence, the guilt. But don't let guilt cloud your good judgment. Work through this problem with open communication.

Updated: Sat Nov 11, 2017

Undesirable Music Major and Biking Around Town for 11/10/2017

Dear Family Coach: My son is applying to colleges to be a music major. He has visions of a career on Broadway or in the music business. He's talented, and I've always enjoyed his music. However, I think he isn't good enough to make a career out of it. He says he doesn't mind having little money as long as he can make music. My husband and I think he should keep music as a hobby and find a more practical career. Would it be wrong to threaten to take away his tuition money if he decides to pursue music? —Scared

Dear Scared: Would it be wrong? Emphatically, yes! It would be very wrong to bully your child into a different career path by taking away his ability to pay for college.

Here's how the situation could play out. After you threaten withdrawing your support your son decides to be an accounting major. It's a safe career with lots of jobs. He drudges through his classes while playing music on the side. All seems well. Your son graduates and immediately gets a high paying job at a respected firm. Terrific. Now he gets married, has children and works longs hours. He doesn't play music anymore. There really isn't time. He clocks into a job that he realizes he never enjoyed, and he becomes dangerously depressed. He calls you in tears one day saying his life didn't turn out like he planned.

Updated: Fri Nov 10, 2017

Procrastination King and Family Dinner for 11/04/2017

Dear Family Coach: My son is the king of procrastination. He often manages to complete his work at the very last minute. Other times he doesn't. But every time there is arguing, stress, nagging and at least one total freakout. How can I help my son break this habit? — Procrastinator's Dad

Dear Dad: Procrastination in and of itself isn't a problem. While it may be unpleasant for you and your son, if he is completing his work, then the delaying isn't having a disastrous effect. The issue is the arguing, the stress and the nagging that tend to accompany the delays.

Updated: Sat Nov 04, 2017

Snapchat and a Bossy Daughter for 11/03/2017

Dear Family Coach: My almost 13-year-old daughter is begging for a Snapchat account. I am resistant, but she is wearing me down. I am not even sure why I am unwilling. Should I hold my ground? — Not Sure Parents

Dear Not Sure: Parents have been drilling into their kids' heads that anything that is put on the internet is forever. A text, a silly photo or that stupid video put on YouTube all leave a digital footprint that never goes away. Enter Snapchat, the app that allows people to send a photo that's only up for a few seconds before it disappears. It's great in theory but not so much in practice. While Snapchat deletes your posts immediately, the app can't control users' ability to take a screenshot. A screenshot means the picture is forever. Young people often have a false sense that anything posted will only be seen briefly.

Updated: Fri Nov 03, 2017

A Follower Making Poor Choices and Consequences for 10/28/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 9-year-old son seems to be getting into more trouble at school this year. He's not the one who starts the fooling around, but he is definitely a joiner. He doesn't want to miss out on being with his buddies. His behavior is not affecting his grades, as he is a good student. But what's the best way to remedy his misbehaving? — Follower's Father

Dear Father: There are two probable culprits behind your son's behavior: He is fearful that if he doesn't follow his friends, he won't have any. Additionally, he might be a bit impulsive. This means he often makes quick decisions without thinking through the consequences. In order to help your son make better choices, it's important to address both potential culprits.

Updated: Sat Oct 28, 2017

Angel At School Hits At Home for 10/27/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 6-year-old daughter hits either me or her brother when she gets frustrated or doesn't get her way. I've tried everything to teach her that hitting isn't acceptable. She always has excellent behavior at school. I'm a single mother who works, and I try my best. What am I doing wrong? — Punching Bag Mom

Dear Mom: Your daughter is a perfect angel at school. I'm sure she becomes frustrated there, yet she doesn't hit anyone. That's because she knows hitting is not acceptable behavior. There are likely firm consequences and no-nonsense policies set in place at school. At home, it's probably a different story.

Updated: Fri Oct 27, 2017

Ruined Skin and Taking a Knee for 10/21/2017

Dear Family Coach: My daughter is a freshman in high school. She's addicted to makeup and wears it all the time. Sometimes she just plays around with it in her room for fun. She's gotten quite good at it. But her complexion is deteriorating. She doesn't seem to care, even as she breaks out. What can I do to get her to wear less makeup and care for her skin better? — Concerned

Dear Concerned: Gene Simmons and Bobbi Brown were also addicted to makeup, and look where it got them. Your daughter is a teenager, and she's experimenting with makeup. That's certainly age-appropriate. Asking her to lay off of it is akin to asking her to stop texting with her friends. It's just not going to happen. Also, her skin might be deteriorating due to puberty, not just the makeup.

Updated: Sat Oct 21, 2017

A Lonely Dad and Leaving out a Friend for 10/20/2017

Dear Family Coach: I've always been a very involved dad. But now that my children are in sixth and ninth grade, they no longer need me. I'm constantly begging them to do something with me, and when they can't, I make them feel guilty. I don't mean to do it. I'm just so sad they are so busy. I'm feeling rejected. What can I do to make the kids spend more time with me? —All Alone Dad

Dear Dad: What a pity party you've got going! I'm not sure I'd want to spend time with you either. Laying on the guilt and begging the kids may increase your chances they will hang out with you. But it won't make them enjoy it.

Updated: Fri Oct 20, 2017

Devastating Headlines and Single Fatherhood for 10/14/2017

Dear Family Coach: Lately, all of the news is having a disastrous effect on me. Every day, I become more and more depressed about world events, tragic shootings, police brutality and natural disasters. There is suffering all around, and I'm feeling hopeless. At the same time, I'm trying to protect my kids and put on a happy face. I worry I'm failing. Please help me. — Losing It

Dear Losing It: I commend you for not wanting to unleash your worries on your kids. But you are allowed to be human and be affected by the world. If they see something is bothering you, then feel free to share it with them in an age-appropriate way.

Updated: Sat Oct 14, 2017

An Unwanted Boyfriend and Missing Parenting for 10/13/2017

Dear Family Coach: My 15-year-old daughter believes she is in love. Despite our objections, she says that she will see her "boyfriend" no matter what we say. I don't allow dating until age 16. And I think in my daughter's case, it needs to be more like 17 or 18. She struggles with depression and is very rebellious, disorganized and very naive. To avoid drama, my husband convinced me to allow her to visit the "boyfriend's" house. Should I be bending the rules for the sake of peace? — Stricter Parent

Dear Stricter: I hate to say this, but putting the word "boyfriend" in quotation marks doesn't change his status. Your daughter is in love, and there isn't much you can do about it. The trouble is that any efforts you put forth to curb her dating will only push it further underground. She will say she is with a friend when she is really with him. And you will have no idea what she is up to, or with whom. Don't go the route of forbidding her relationship. Instead, become a mentor and a safe place for her to talk about the intricacies of dating.

Updated: Fri Oct 13, 2017