Alexa Nichols's Blog, page 7

The hardest thing for me to do, changes, and finally getting to finish!

I think the hardest thing to do as an author – and, if I’m being completely honest, as a person – is to focus on just one thing and see it through to completion. I always seem to get distracted by different projects, different stories, even when I’m neck-deep in working on one that I have a deadline for. It drives my beta readers mad, and my editor as well. I can’t help it through. I keep coming up with all these strange story plots that I want to explore, and they always seem to tug at me as I’m working on my current project.

The longer I ignore it, the stronger the tug.

Eventually I find myself outlining, drafting, and revising this new story while the story (or series) I was working on gets left in the dust. And then, when I go back to what I should have been working on, I have to re-read everything I wrote just to regain the flow of the narrative.

Not so bad when it comes to one book, but a flat-out nightmare when dealing with a series.

So, from now on, I’m changing that. I’m going to force myself to focus on the project I’m supposed to be working on, and if I get the bug to begin something new, I’ll just find a way to include whatever idea I had in the story I’m writing.

That being written.

I’m currently in the process of finishing up the Exitium Mundi heptalogy (seven-book series), which took way longer than I intended because I got, you know, sidetracked and ended up writing two completely different stories set way in the future of my Alexaverse. (Erotic Urban Legends: Pulse, and Erotic Urban Legends: Paramnesia) Pulse is currently available to my Patreon peeps of the Initiate tier and up here, while Paramnesia will be available to them soon. The rest of the world will get them in August and December of next year. I can’t wait. 🙌

Anyway, both stories are finished, but the cost of that is I had to go back and re-read all six books I’d already written in the Exitium Mundi series just to start on the seventh. Normally this wouldn’t be a big deal, but I kept finding things I wanted to change, add, and deduct… it took forever. 😭 But I finally finished, and I’m in the final stages of revision for the last book. So excited. This shit will not be happening again!

Wish me luck, my loves.

I may need it. 😅😭

Who I did during my vacation…*

This year has, so far, sucked proverbial balls. I’ve gotten into a wreck, had a screaming match with a Medicaid driver (twice!), was hit by a strange sickness that caused my temperature to shoot up to 103°, had half a dozen arguments with the people closest to me, already broke one of my three new year’s resolutions, had a severe pay cut due to a big misunderstanding (that I will fix by the end of next week) and to top everything off: I was attacked by a migraine for several days, one that I’m only just now getting over. And it’s only the sixth day of the year, y’all. 😭

This is why it’s strange that my writing career, almost in defiance, is going fantastic. The output is beautiful, ideas are flowing, creativity is spurting all over the place. This is probably due to taking the last two weeks of December entirely off. No internet, no social media, not doing anything online except spending way too much money on gifts and ordering fast food. Oh, and of course talking to my Patreon subscribers, cause they were the sole exception to my online vacation. So much fun.

About my vacation. It was mainly spent with family and friends, and hanging out with the big brother unit/Anne doing the following: reading Twilight, reading the Kiss X Sis manga, trying to catch up on all the electronic magazines I have built up, playing The Witcher 1, Resident Evil Revelations 2, Skyrim (of course), Final Fantasy X/X-2 HD Remaster, Dragon Quest 1 (Super Nintendo version), and The Sims (1/2/3/4). I also watched the anime Shimoneta: A Boring World Where the Concept of Dirty Jokes Doesn’t Exist, several movies, and The Witcher series on Netflix (which I completely adore). I even spent a little time writing on a secret project that I’ll spring on you guys soon, my first erotic fantasy series. It’s turning out really good so far. Loving it.

For now, however, I need to finish another Erotic Urban Legends story, Paramnesia, (the sequel to Erotic Urban Legends: Pulse) and then throw all my creativity into the last book in the seven-part Exitium Mundi series, as it is due to be released towards the middle half of this year. I am so excited about both of these projects, and I can’t wait until you guys read them. The last part of Exitium Mundi is a bit of a trial, however. I’m going back and forth on how I want to end it. I have the outlined ending, of course, but the way the story is unraveling is making me want to change it… I dunno. #WriterStruggles

Back to the lab, y’all.

Thank you for reading.

I love you all…


* Oops, I meant what, not who. Typo. Sorry. You got clickbaited, motherfucker, deal with it. 😅

Anne’s murderous vagina, outsourcing, and projectile vomiting!

So, Anne’s vagina nearly killed me today. See, I was sitting at my writing station eating an orange, being the normal innocent halo-wearing angel I usually am. You know, editing erotica and watching adult videos for, uh, reference and stuff. And then out of nowhere Anne busts out with-

“Pikachu said hi.”

I nearly died.

I choked on the orange slice I was chewing and had to spit it across the room to get it out of my throat. It was horrible.

You see, Pikachu is what she calls her, um, lady bits. 😅

That little life-threatening event pretty much sums up my month so far.

I have a ritual, see. On the first of the month I take care of over a dozen time-consuming author tasks, which usually take the entire day. Once they’re finished I’m pretty much set, which means I can spend the rest of the month doing what I really love: writing.

Not this month.

One of the things I do is place the next book in line up for preorder for three months in advance. This gives Amazon time to effectively advertise it and readers time to become aware of it before its official release. I also get the paperback produced (which takes far longer than I’m about to admit publicly) and hire a professional narrator for the audiobook version.

This month, Amazon decided to try and test my gangsta.

See, this should have been really simple. The book is simply a collection of three stories Amazon is already selling. But for some reason, they blocked it. I was baffled. I wrote customer support and received a form letter in response (which is not shocking). I wrote another email, trying to concisely explain the situation because I know almost everyone that works in the book division of Amazon customer service is outsourced/barely English-speaking individuals. I received the same form letter in response. So, I tried a different tactic: I called them. After speaking with the (barely English speaking) agent, she promised she would get it resolved on my behalf by contacting the appropriate channels and explaining the situation. The next day, I received the exact same form letter they had already sent me twice before.

So, the book is now available for March 1, 2020 preorder on Smashwords. 😭 Which also means there will be no audiobook version, and the paperback will be… interesting. If I can figure out a way to make a paperback version without using Amazon, I will. Otherwise, flip it.

I thought the insanity of the month was over. Finally, I could get back to writing the handful of books (Pulse, Paramnesia, Exitium Mundi, Nephilim 2) so I could take a much-needed mini-vacation. I mean, what else could happen, right?

In slides Patreon with a quick “Hold my beer.”

Apparently, they decided out of nowhere that some of my older posts violated their community guidelines, so I had to change or remove them so my account could be acceptable again. This took a little over a week of back-and-forth. I will say this, however: working with Patreon’s customer support is leagues better than Amazon’s. Patreon actually works with you, sending personalized emails until the problem is solved. And they don’t just ban your account or even place it in suspension – they work with you first. The only time they suspend your account is if you refuse to contact them… why can’t Amazon’s book publishing division be even half as good as Patreon? Anyway, after I removed a few posts, changed the header pictures on others, and heavily edit a few entries for being too lewd. (I know what you’re thinking: ALEXA? LEWD?! 😋) I was good to go. Now everything is hunky-dory.

Well, except for running seemingly endless errands this past week and Anne projectile vomiting like it’s an Olympic event (too much eggnog) this morning.

Hopefully, your month’s been better than mine…

The world according to Anne, my writing playlists, and calling James Patterson out for a fight

Back when I was doing daily Diary entries (I still don’t see how I pulled that off considering everything else I was juggling), I used to let Anne occasionally slip in and write an entry for me. I would label these little creative outbursts of hers as “Anne’s entry” and just let her go to town – no grammar checking, no filtering, and no direction as to what she should write about. She loved it.

So, I figured it was time to give her another stab at it. What’s the worst that could happen, right? 😳



I got new video games and been watching Jersey shore I really like it. Alexa girl be you was right about the show. Do you want to hang out this weekend? How is your writing going I want to tell you about this new movie Call Deep sleep you should watch trailer for it. We been having fun Mario kart 8 I am all most done with one of Batman telltale game. The game are awesome. I like watching lore it’s very different.



So, there you are. The world, according to Anne. 🥰

My life has been a combination of three things lately: Jersey Shore binge-watching with Anne, overdosing on wax cubes (I love those damn things!), and writing like a fevered madwoman to get Erotic Urban Legends: Pulse finished for my Patreon peeps. As I write this, a dear friend of mine is beta reading it for me, so as soon as I get it back and throw it at the rest of my Beta Reader Hit Squad, it will be shelved! I really wanted to make a short horror story, but this motherfucker ended up 22,844 words – far from what I intended.

Initially, I gave myself a cap of 2,500 words, and the first version was somewhat close to that. After three different revisions and some severe brainstorming… things got a little out of hand. 😅 While my stories always inflate during the revision process, this was a bit ridiculous. I swear I spoil the shit out of my Patreons…

Because of my release schedule, I won’t be able to release it to the general public until April 2022, but I’ll give you a sneak peek of the cover now:







Because I was writing this, I had to temporarily pause the last book in my Exitium Mundi series, which is in the rough draft stage itself. Which means I’m also paused in the middle of Voyeur’s Season 2 (no, I swear it isn’t abandoned) and the next book in the Killer Lolis series: Hunt for the Lolistone. The cover for that book (which is also in the rough draft stage!) is below:







So many things I want to write, so little time! 😭 And then there are other stories that are almost finished that I really need to polish up like Mya, Lilith, Invictus, Balls Deep – A Love Story, and others. I need more hands. Or maybe I can pull a James Patterson and hire other motherfuckers to write my books for me and just sit back and rake in the money. I will never do this, of course, because, you know, I’m actually a writer…



#Shade #ShotsFired #ComeAtMeBro



Maybe I just need to double down my writing efforts. I dunno.

Which reminds me. I decided to add yet another feature to my paperbacks: playlists! See, before I write a book, I compile a 100-song playlist, and I listen to nothing but that playlist while I write. It was an idea sparked by a request from a reader (thank you, John!), and I decided to run with it. I’ve already started including short stories, previews of upcoming books, and interviews in the paperback editions of my books, so this will fit in nicely I think. Just for kicks, here’s the playlist I wrote to for Erotic Urban Legends: Pulse.

Ängie: Spun + Smoke Weed Eat Pussy + Housewife Spliffin
Avicii: Wake Me Up
Awolnation: Sail
AZ Yet: Last Night
Backstreet Boys: Inconsolable
Bebe Rexha: I’m Gonna Show You Crazy + No Broken Hearts ft. Nicki Minaj
Bhad Bhabie: Bestie (Feat. Kodak Black)
Billie Eilish: Bad Guy + You Should See Me in a Crown
Boyz II Men: Oh Well
Brad Paisley: Whiskey Lullaby (feat. Allison Krauss)
Britney Spears: Criminal
Ed Sheeran: Shape of You
Fall Out Boy: My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark (Light Em Up) (Part 1)
Fat Joe: Make It Rain
Finger Eleven: Paralyzer + One Thing
Frankie J: Daddy’s Little Girl
Full Exposure (feat. Mario & Serayah)
Geto Boys: Mind Playing Tricks On Me (Uncut)
Ginuwine: When Doves Cry
Go West: King Of Wishful Thinking
Hailee Steinfeld: Most Girls
Halsey: Nightmare
Hayley Kiyoko: Girls Like Girls
Insane Clown Posse: In My Room
Jessica Simpson: I Belong To Me
Justin Timberlake: Cry Me A River
Ke$ha: TiK ToK
Keri Hilson: Pretty Girl Rock
kirstin: Break A Little + Naked + Bad Weather
Linkin Park: The Hybrid Theory + Living Things + and Recharged albums.
Mario Winans: I Don’t Wanna Know
Maroon 5: Girls Like You ft. Cardi B
MAX: Lights Down Low
Offset: Clout ft. Cardi B
Phil Collins: In The Air Tonight
Porcelain Black: Naughty Naughty + I’m Your Favorite Drug
Post Malone: Rockstar + Goodbyes ft. Young Thug
R. Kelly featuring Keri Hilson: Number One
Rita-Ora: Girls
Santana: Maria + Maria
Seckond Chaynce: Undeniable
Silk: Freak Me Baby
Somo: Ride
Star Cast: I Bring Me + There For You
Tamar Braxton: All the Way Home + Love and War + Let Me Know ft. Future + Prettiest Girl + The One
Taylor Swift: Gorgeous
The Fugees: Killing Me Softly
The Weeknd: Often + Party Monster
Tinashe: No Drama
Young Jeezy: Tear It Up

Thanks for reading my latest rant, beloveds. I really appreciate it. 🥰




Lost Phone

Last night a friend rushed me out of the house to catch the opening act at a local bar’s music night. After a few drinks I realized my phone wasn’t in my pocket. I checked the table we were sitting at, the bar, the bathrooms, and after no luck I used my friend’s phone to call mine. After two rings someone answered, gave out a low raspy giggle and hung up. They didn’t answer again. I eventually gave it up as a lost cause and headed home. I found my phone laying on my nightstand, right where I left it.

Sexual harassment, being a “working girl,” and loli rants…

The best decision I ever made (besides starting a Patreon) was to become a writer. It was also probably the worst. I write this because while I love writing, some of the people my writing (or at least my erotic writing) attracts are just creepy as fuck. They seem to assume because I write erotica, I always have sex on the brain, and that’s all I want to talk about – even though they are complete strangers. It’s like just because they can create a fake social media account, they think it’s OK to talk to women any way they want. This is why I’m not a big fan of internet anonymity – it makes it too easy to assault people. I mean, they wouldn’t do this in real life because they would be thrown in jail, but it’s OK online. Why? I seriously don’t understand why sexual harassment is OK on the internet, but against the law face to face. Just because a computer is used, it’s acceptable?

In a way, it reminds me of a funny story that happened a few years ago with a close friend of mine, Nicole. We were out late as fuck one night, basically clubbing/acting fools and called an Uber to get us home safely. We were dressed up, of course, but Nicole – who looked like a straight supermodel – looked way better than I did. Anyway, the driver got us to our destination and asked Nicole if she was a working girl. My eyes widened because I’m a little hoodrat and knew exactly what he meant, but Nicole had no clue – she smiled and said something to the extent of “Yep! I be getting’ people’s money all day!” (she was a banker at Wells Fargo) The guy shook his head in dismay and said that he wished he had some extra money because she was drop-dead gorgeous.

She grinned; he looked something like a lost, beaten puppy. 🙄

We got out of the car.

As we watched the guy drive away, Nicole blinked a few times, and her eyes widened. She turned to me and said, “Wait – was he asking me if I was a prostitute?!” I laughed so hard I almost fell to the ground. When I told her yes, that was precisely what he was asking, she turned more shades of red than I ever thought possible. I wouldn’t let her live that down for anything. Loved it.



LoliRant

It does kind of illustrate my point though. Our jobs do not define us. Neither do our hobbies. We define us, and we are so much more complex than the paltry scraps of information we decide to randomly throw on the internet. I’ve been to college. I’ve accumulated five different degrees. According to the Stanford-Binet IQ scale (and a few others), I’m in the top 5% of the population. I’ve been told by several MENSA members that I should join, but honestly, the benefits suck, and I don’t need the validation. I did, however, pass the online test just out of curiosity.

I’m not writing any of this to brag: those of you who have known me for years most likely didn’t know any of the above. And there’s no reason you should. I don’t need to impress anyone, and I definitely don’t want to come across as better-than or egotistical.

No, I’m not trying to brag, I’m trying to illustrate a point. Despite all the above, and my general sweet-natured attitude towards strangers (I like to give everyone the benefit of the doubt), I continuously get swarmed with stupid messages and unsolicited (and frankly disgusting) messages and pictures. All because I write erotica. I have several non-erotic pen names that I write paranormal, romance, science fiction, fantasy, and a few other genres under, but that’s beside the point – instead of trying to get to know me for who I am, people automatically assume that since I’m a girl that writes kinky things I’m online to be their personal sex outlet.

Ew. 🤮

Please don’t get it twisted. I love to flirt, sometimes in lewd ways, but I have to know you first. Like, really know you – not just a few quick DMs…

/LoliRant



Anyway.

On the writing front, I’m almost finished with the rough draft of the last book in the Exitium Mundi series, which should have been done long before now. Unfortunately, I keep thinking of things to add, change, and omit. So ridiculous. But it’s getting there, and all the changes I’m making are for the betterment of the story, so I really can’t complain too much. Of course, doing all that also means I have to go back through the rest of the other six books and change things, adding and taking out parts, etc. Luckily they are all short(ish), so it isn’t that big of a deal. Yet.

Oh! Before I go, please send my homiegirl @n0nlineargirl some love. And pictures of horse penises. She really loves horse penises. 😂 She recently broke her foot and may need surgery, so she needs all the attention she can get. I’m reasonably sure she doesn’t read my Diary entries, but just in case tell her I sent you. She’ll thank you, trust me.

Getting bitten and being pregnant…

I’ve been officially bitten by the Halloween bug. I tried to resist it, ignore it, and replace it with other habits (meth, crack, Skyrim), but nothing worked. I finally snapped the other day, and now everything in my house and Anne’s has been Halloweenified. Our phones, computers, accounts on our video game systems, etc. I even started outlining a spooky, intense, erotic little tale called Paramnesia that should be finished by the end of the week. It’s scheduled to be released on December 1, 2021. Unfortunately, you won’t get to read it any earlier unless you’re

1. A member of my Beta Reader Hit Squad, or
2. A member of my Patreon.

I’m not doing that to be a bitch, it’s just that my releases until then are already slated and, in most cases, finished. Since I release a new eBook/paperback/audiobook every month, I can’t just push everything aside, ya know?

So far, it’s coming out amazingly. I’ve already finished writing, revising, and polishing the outline (which I preach to my students in my Writing 101 class), and tomorrow, I’m going to start writing the rough draft. I am so excited. Of course, I’m doing this because I’m taking a brief break from the final Exitium Mundi book, Everyone 2, which itself is in its rough draft stage. I know, sometimes I have writers ADD, but it’s nice to switch projects occasionally, especially when your creativity starts feeling stale.

After this, I’ll jump back on Exitium Mundi for a bit, then finish up Erotic Urban Legends: Taboo, a short story requested by one of my Patreon supporters (you motherfuckers did know you can do that, right? You just have to be on the VIP Tier). Taboo is in the outline stage, but the characters and story are entirely flushed out. So many projects, so little time…

Fuck, I love being a writer! 🥰

I would love it even more if I didn’t feel 13 months pregnant from all this damn Halloween candy I’ve been eating from Universal Yums. During my Halloween frenzy, I ordered their special Halloween box, which they got to me quick fast and in a hurry, and Anne and I immediately tore into it this past weekend and now… I never want to see another piece of candy again. They were so damn good though! Except for that weird sour candy that gave me bitter beer face for like an hour. That was horrible. Even Anne tasted it and looked at me all alarmed and betrayed. 😅 She came to love it though – after the initial taste shock wore off.

Ah! Before I go, I wanted to post the current status of my latest Twitter poll, which had some interesting conversations attached to it. There’s still a little time left to vote, so make your voice heard! 😝







Enjoy the following Halloween story, ripped from the interwebs.

And sweet dreams, beloveds… 🎃



Charlie

I hate it when my brother Charlie has to go away. My parents constantly try to explain to me how sick he is; that I am lucky for having a brain where all the chemicals flow properly to their destinations like undammed rivers. When I complain about how bored I am without a little brother to play with, they try to make me feel bad by pointing out that his boredom likely far surpasses mine, considering he’s confined to a dark room in an institution. I always beg for them to give him one last chance. Of course, they did at first. Charlie has been back home several times, each shorter in duration than the last. Every time without fail, it all starts again. The neighborhood cats with gouged out eyes showing up in his toy chest, my dad’s razors found dropped on the baby slide in the park across the street, mom’s vitamins replaced by bits of dishwasher tablets.

My parents are hesitant now, using “last chances” sparingly. They say his disorder makes him charming, makes it easy for him to fake normalcy, and to trick the doctors who care for him into thinking he is ready for rehabilitation. That I will just have to put up with my boredom if it means staying safe from him. I hate it when Charlie has to go away. It makes me have to pretend to be good until he is back.

Helping Anne poop, having fun with Lolis, and making you wet yourself…

I am utterly unappreciated as a friend. I’m serious. See, Anne told me she had to poop, right? She had just eaten a ton of ice cream that morning (which she knows better than considering she’s lactose intolerant), so she had (predictably) been pooping all day. Anyway, she slithered her way to the bathroom and closed the door, and I – in my deep and profound dedication as her best friend – decided to try and help. So, I placed my Bluetooth soundbar in front of the door and put on some helpful, soothing, and uplifting songs:

· The poop song https://youtu.be/lZTnNn-i9uk
· “Let me Poop” by Emily Mandelbaum https://youtu.be/0Tf4Qxw2jnc
· Old Town Poop https://youtu.be/oIVN32r76b0

For some unfathomable reason, she was not amused. She even told me I had a constipated cry-smile because of the way I was grinning when she finally got out. Such an evil, spiteful little thing! 😅

Writing-wise I’ve been on a roll: I finished Exitium Mundi: Jamie and even finished the outline for Exitium Mundi: Everyone 2, the very last book in the Exitium Mundi series. Not that I seem to be able to actually write the damn story or anything – Real Life keeps throwing things my way that I have to deal with. It’s frustrating. Today, for example, I had to take Anne to the doctors again, so I planned on getting up a bit early to get some much-needed writing done.

We overslept and barely managed to get ready in time to leave. 🙄

So since I haven’t been able to full-fledge write, I decided to outline the sequel to Killer Lolis, Killer Lolis: Hunt for the Lolistone in my spare time. I love my Lolis, and outlining the story is proving to be an immense amount of fun. It’s going to be a lot longer (and kinkier, and definitely more entertaining) than the original, so look forward to it. 😊

Now, on to Halloween.

Until my favorite holiday gets here, I figured it would be fun to scour the internet for super short scary stories and share them with you all at the end of my Diary entries. To get into the spirit, you know? I didn’t write any of these stories, and they are all freely available on the internet (mostly Reddit), so I figured no harm, no foul.

Here’s the first.

Try not to wet yourself. 🎃



Check Under the Bed

I begin tucking him into bed and he tells me, “Daddy check for monsters under my bed.” I look underneath for his amusement and see him, another him, under the bed, staring back at me quivering and whispering, “Daddy there’s somebody on my bed.”



Thank you for reading, beloveds.

#Alexa

Let’s talk about murder…

I’ve been working feverishly on finishing my seven-book Exitium Mundi series, which segues into my Nephilim pentalogy, and reality has mostly melted around me as a result. It’s an enormous amount of fun, but fuck am I ready for this series to be over with! I have so many other books I want (needs!) to write! 😅 Currently, I’m finishing up revisions on book six, and while I was butchering things one of the characters asked another a very pointed, profound question, which shook me so much I decided to post it on social media. The question was:



If one person – one person you knew, but didn’t care too much about – had to die so the people you love could live, would you consider murder?



The end results of this vote caused me to raise my eyebrows: 68% voted Yes, and 32% voted No (Anne voted no, which really surprised me). 68% Of people would actually kill someone.

This really made me think.

I’m used to putting my mind into my characters when I write, and it’s gotten to the point where doing so is kind of natural and effortless, but this question made me mentally stumble. It’s not a casual question. I value life. Death is a serious thing, and as Christopher Wallace (The Notorious B.I.G.) said on the end of Tupac Shakur’s song Runnin’ (Dying to Live) “I mean, even though we was going through our drama, I would never wish death on nobody, you know what I’m sayin’? Because there ain’t no coming back from that.” I wholeheartedly agree with him. Death is a serious thing, and too often we talk about it almost casually, like it’s the common cold or something.

Putting on my psychologist’s hat for a second: I completely understand why. Unless something affects us personally, it’s almost impossible to truly and fully empathize. It’s only natural – if we took everything to heart that we saw on the news, or read about, or heard about, we would go absolutely insane. Disassociation to a certain degree is basically just a matter of cognitive self-preservation. I get it.

I just don’t know if I have it in me to kill another person, though. Tase them (really appreciate those tasers, John! ❤), sure, find a way to incapacitate them, definitely, but kill? Murder? I don’t think I could. Maybe… I don’t know. There just has to be another way, you know? If it came down to it, perhaps I could. If it was the only way to save say, my brother, maybe I could. In the end the character I was writing about agreed to it, because it fit her personality and worldview, but damn. That was a hard decision to make.

Writing of hard decisions…

I’m a member of a group called Writers Café, and since I joined people had been requesting I read/critique their works. Which I was cool with, of course, but eventually it got to the point where I was falling so far behind that my queue was up in the triple digits, so I had to disable read requests. This has me feeling absolutely crumby.

I’ve also had to trim down how much time I spend writing in my Diary, which I feel even worse about. I love writing in this thing, but by the time the days over my creativity is just drained. I feel mentally dead after seven-plus hours of writing plus another two to three hours of author tasks every day. When you toss in the time I spend responding to emails, messages on social media, and making content for my Patreon… the last thing I want to do is write about everything I did. This is why my entries have been so sporadic lately – I’m just tuckered out. I’m not about to quit writing entries though, because I love this damn thing way too much, but to write in it means I’m going to have to sacrifice time I would otherwise be spending on some other creative project – in this case, revising Exitium Mundi.

It’s worth it, though, because I always feel so much better after writing one of these damn things.

Why can’t there be more hours in the day?! 😭

Anyway, thanks for lending me your eyes.

I love all of you.

My brother getting white girl wasted and swan-diving off the wagon.

My big brother’s personality type could probably best be described as stoic. Dude has like zero sense of humor, and he rarely shows any emotion. He hardly makes expressions, seldom shows affection, and generally just tends to glower when he looks at you. Considering he’s big, muscled, and bald, this tends to intimidate people as soon as he steps in a room.

Which is why I literally choked on my Crackuccino® when he walked into the living room where Anne and I were lounging and proclaimed that he wanted to get white girl wasted. After I was able to breathe again, I asked him to repeat himself. He did. Anne and I practically flew off the couch to get alcohol. 😅

We had so much fun. And then afterward we went to a buffet (if you have never been to Golden Corral, you are seriously missing out) and ate like we were stoned. It was epic. When we finally made our way home we all just collapsed on the couch and stared at the TV, which was still off. Having an extreme hatred for silence, I decided to ask my brother what prompted his proclamation and subsequent buffet (we hadn’t been to a buffet in a long time, since I almost got into a fight with the manager at one). He looked at me and said, “Sometimes you just have to do something without reason.”

That made no sense to me, but I was happy with the end results, so I just cuddled into him and let it go.

Fast forward to the next day.

I had a ridiculous hangover. I was hating life, and all my life choices that led to me drinking like I didn’t believe in my liver. I decided then and there that my drinking days were over, that there is so much I could do with my life (and money!) if I weren’t drinking.

This vow lasted all of about three days. 😳

I usually have a will of steel when it comes to important things, but once the hangover completely cleared from my system and I was feeling like my usual, bouncy self, I began questioning why I wanted to quit drinking to begin with. Just because I felt terrible afterward? I felt disgusting after the buffet, but I never thought to swear off food. I enjoyed eating the food immensely while I was doing it, just like I enjoyed drinking. Why is alcohol something I should give up? I only drink on the weekends (and not even every weekend), and even then usually something around four or five beers. Or a 40 ounce. And that’s it.

Does that make me an alcoholic?

I don’t think it does.

So, I swan-dived off the wagon and decided to keep drinking, but in moderation like I already am. I feel much happier. I needs alcohol in my life. 😅

Shortly after my brother made his white girl wasted proclamation, I decided to take a vacation from the authoring world. I only recently came back from it. I think I can best sum up my mindset by ripping text from my newsletter (which went out late as fuck this month) instead of trying to find a way to creatively reword what was already written:



About midway through the month I kind of sat back in my writing chair and just watched as the smoke emanating from my brain slowly oozed out of my ears, occasionally blowing at it and smiling goofily as my bursts of air caused them to dance like ethereal snakes on opioids.

Minutes later I turned to Anne and announced that I was taking the rest of the month off.

I was quickly burning out, and I needed a vacation.

I rarely ever take time off (from writing, work, or anything else really), so a proclamation like that caused her to nearly drop her phone in disbelief. After she got over her initial shock, she shook her head and grinned in condescension. She didn’t believe me. She told me I was incapable of truly taking breaks, and that my past speaks volumes about my obsession with the written word.

Bitch was wrong: I shoved everything aside and turned into a metaphorical vegetable, catching up on all the gaming, reading, and binge-watching I’m normally deprived of because of my insane work ethic.

It was so worth it.

I’m back, fresh-minded, focused, and raring to go!



Damn it feels good to write again… Oh! Before I go, I just remembered: the eBook version of Erotic Urban Legends: Volume 1 is now available for December 1, 2019 preorder! Buy it now, and it will be automagically delivered to your reading device. The paperback will be finished soon (like in the next few days) so if that’s your jam, watch my social media posts in the coming days. I’ll announce it. 😊

Shootings, PTSD, and remembering why…

Most of the time, when I post on social media or Patreon, or in my Diary, I try and keep things entertaining, upbeat, and generally just optimistic in nature. Because that’s the kind of person I tend to be, you know? Today, however, keeping things light and positive is damn near an impossibility. I just can’t take my mind off the shootings that happened these past few days. Thoughts of them are bleeding into every facet of my life – time I spend with my big brother, my writing, and even hanging out with friends. I don’t know why these recent shootings have shaken me so badly; tons of them have happened these past few years (do you know how fucked up it is that I can write something like that?!), some very close to home, and I’ve always been able to separate myself from them. Somehow.

Not this time.

Like I posted earlier today on social media:



“I rarely comment on things like this, but these shootings lately have really hit me emotionally. My heart goes out to the family’s affected… I can’t even begin to imagine what they’re going through.

I hope I never can.”



And yes, I know I used the incorrect form of family (family’s instead of families), but I didn’t snap to that until after I sent the post, and by then I didn’t care. People understood what I was trying to say.

I think the reason these recent shootings have shaken me so much is that I have let so many more people into my life than I’m used to having, so many people into my heart. This is a good thing, of course, but when you see people’s lives get snatched so quickly and senselessly… it makes you realize that this can also happen to the people you love.

At any given moment.

For any reason.

No matter where they are or what they may be doing.

My big brother went into a coma a while back. I thought I lost him. I was a mess. Like, a complete nuclear meltdown mess. I cried so much and so hard that I swear I lost ten pounds just in water weight. Luckily, he woke up, but the experience shook me deeply – and permanently. I honestly think I have PTSD from that experience, to the point where I sometimes (more often than he’s probably aware) check in on him while he’s sleeping just to see if he’s still cognizant. A quick nudge. A text. Or call. Just to see if he budges. Sometimes I just crawl into bed with him and cuddle, listening to him breathe, and almost instantly go to sleep.

If he were to be shot and killed… I don’t know. I couldn’t go on. I just couldn’t…

I’ve physically clung to him so much this weekend that he’s probably sick of my face by now, but I know he understands why. He hasn’t said or done anything negative; it’s kind of like a kitten clinging to a pit bull. He’s tolerating me, even trying to comfort me, but I don’t think I can be comforted. Not when reality is the way it is.

I don’t let people into my heart easily, but when I love, I love hard. And I’m protective of the people I love, overly (and inappropriately) so most of the time. Like, I’m that girl that will jump up and get in someone’s face if they disrespect or hurt you, without thinking or caring about the size of the other person. Or the location.

And I don’t want to be any other way. When you love hard and sincerely, people tend to return the affection, which is why I have a lot of people I know I can go to if things go south. So that’s good. It’s a very good feeling.

Unfortunately, however, that kind of intense love and protectiveness comes at a cost. I’m paying it now.

Admittedly though, I feel a bit better getting all this out. It reminds me of why I started doing this to begin with – to give myself an emotional outlet. Maybe I need to start writing in this damn thing more often, because I’m always a complete fucking mental train wreck. 😅

Thank you for reading.

I mean that.

And please, whatever you do, be safe.

Seriously.