Barbara Schmidt's Blog, page 31

5 Reminders When Dealing with Heartache

I recently received a few requests to talk about heartache, heartbreak, and maneuvering through break-ups. I sat on these requests for a while, and probably have avoided delving too much into romantic relationship content, mostly because I feel like this is an area in my life that I’m still working through and figuring out. But that is life, isn’t it!

We are all continuously learning, growing, and moving through new experiences. Truth be told, I have had some wicked romantic encounters, and I’ve learned so much from them, so I can authentically share from that space in hopes of helping or inspiring all of you.

There’s something uniquely devastating when separating from a romantic partner. When I think back to each of my break ups in life, they all were incredibly challenging and painful. It’s as though there’s a certain part of our heart that breaks the worst, when we lose a significant other. That part of the heart requires some extra love and care to mend itself. I’ll never forget my thought process during a particularly difficult separation. I remember thinking that I was going to be forever upset about a relationship that didn’t work out. I literally thought I was going to be stressing over it, until the day I die. It might sound dramatic, but that’s exactly what was going through my mind at the time!

Day after day I got up, put one foot in front of the other, and as time went on, the pain began to lift. The process wasn’t easy, and it wasn’t over night. However, I can say with full certainty that releasing that attachment was one of the more emotionally challenging things I have ever had to do, and here I am, on the other side of heartache, living, breathing, and thriving. So I know for certain that this is possible to achieve!

I am sure at one point or another you have experienced that gut-wrenching, soul shaking, life-changing break-up that leaves you feeling listless and breathless. I’m not exactly sure what it is about break-ups that make it feel like life may not go on, or that you are not going to be ok again, but somehow these thoughts tend to creep in our minds when we go through these periods, and we believe them to be true.

Even though I can’t explain the physical chemistry of why break-ups feel this way, or give you five simple tips to never have to go through it ever again, I can share with you positive reminders to lift your spirit and assure you that you are not alone.

I hope this gives you a boost if you’re going through heartache now, or if you know someone who is in a time of need.

1. Remember, these feelings will pass. When I was going to the aforementioned break-up, I was given a bracelet with the saying “this too shall pass” engraved on it. I wore that thing every single day, and relied on its message through the very dark and difficult moments. Though it might feel cliche, the message is true. Whatever you’re feeling now is not permanent. Find ease in knowing this truth.

2. Regretting the love you gave, won’t make the pain go away. I spent so much time living in the feeling of regret for the love that I shared. Perhaps it’s a protection mechanism to keep us from getting hurt again, but I honestly believe that love is never wasted. The love that we gave to someone else in that moment was the love that particular moment required. Honor yourself for the love you gave, and the love you received.

3. However difficult this situation may feel, take comfort in the truth, that it is teaching you something you need to know. Boy oh boy was this hard for me! Like I said before, I have learned so much from my relationships, and I’m so grateful for it all… now. Even if you’re in the thick of it, try to take yourself into the future where you know you will be older, wiser, so much better equipped to take on a new relationship.

4. You are not a failure, and you are never unlovable. Just because a relationship ran it’s course, does not mean it didn’t mean anything. It doesn’t mean that you did something to ruin it, and it doesn’t mean that there’s something wrong with you for no longer being apart of it. The truth is, not all relationships are meant to last a lifetime, and that in no way reflects on your ability to have lasting, meaningful relationships. It certainly does not define your worthiness for love.



5. You are stronger and more capable than you realize. Even though the heart may break, and it might feel like it can never come back together again, we are so much more resilient than we give ourselves credit for being. Take care of yourself, and strengthen the relationship that you have with yourself. As you nurture, honor, and cherish the person that you are, know that (if you are wanting one), a new relationship is always just on the horizon.

I hope these reminders help you through heartache and difficult moments in your relationships. Deep down, I know that there isn’t much that can be said to lessen the blow or ease the pain, but shifting our mindsets to a more positive place can be a huge relief. I would love to hear your thoughts on managing heartbreak, and any tips you have on getting through those rough patches.

Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments!

xo, Michelle

⇒⇒⇒ Looking for inspiration? Click here for 15 books that we have read and reread. When you click on each book cover, you’ll see our favorite quote from each book, and why we recommend it.

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Finding Community

Throughout my life, I have listened to many people I admire talk about how important their community is to them in their rise to success. I have witnessed people rely on their community to power them through difficult times, I’ve watched community lift people up, and I’ve see what communities can do to create change. I know the power of community, but, and this may come as a surprise to you, throughout my life, I feel like I’ve struggled to know what community means to me.

Truthfully, I’ve never felt a community bond, in the traditional sense. When I was three years old, my parents divorced. Though I was obviously very young at the time, I can remember how it felt to all of a sudden have to split my time between the two very different towns. My mom took up a home in Boca Raton, Florida, and my dad eventually landed in Parkland.

I found unique joys and comforts of each community, though perhaps due to the back and forth nature of my life at the time, I never really felt grounded or connected to either one. If any of you moved around, didn’t feel like you fit in, or just felt unsettled growing up, perhaps you can relate.

I recently was reawakened to the power of community, when a community that I could claim as my own experienced great heartache. When I heard the news two months ago that a school shooting had occurred in Parkland, I experienced a wide array of emotions. There was, of course, the feelings that arise when tragedy strikes, but there was also a sense of confusion for me. The disconnect of my own community had come back and left me unsure how to relate to the tragic news.

Watching the Parkland community band together in times of immense difficulty inspired me to re-evaluate just how important communities are. When communities band together, they can be a force for good. They can spark needed change, inspire truth and bravery, and create meaningful connection. They help people to heal, grow, and feel like they belong. It has been a beautiful reminder of just how powerful a strong, connected community can be.

After processing all of this, I remembered that I do have community: you!

I’m so grateful to claim the Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life community as my own, and remember that we set out to create this space and this movement to be a community, perhaps for those who might have lacked that connection in their own lives, for those who craved belonging but never belonged, and for those who wanted to be seen and heard.

Remember, there are no bounds to the power of community, it’s never to late to create the community you crave, community can come in whoever form suits you, and lastly there is always somewhere that you belong.

I hope this helps you in embracing whatever community you can claim as your own, and knowing that you are never alone.

I would love to hear your thoughts about finding, creating, and sustaining community. Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments below!

xo,

Michelle

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Honoring Your Path

I recently was having an intense life chat with my mom. The past few months I’ve been grappling with parts of my identity, striving to basically understand why I have been given the life I’m living, including why I’m afforded specific privileges and opportunities. This existential crisis of sorts that I was experiencing felt really hard to rationalize, especially in current times.

It can be really easy to compare our lives to others in this way. For example, this person has it easier than I do, or that person has had such a hard life. There are so many comparisons and judgments that we make about other people’s life paths, and even our own.

So when I was talking to my mom about my judgments of my own privilege, talents, perceived lack of particular talents, struggles, strengths, disappointments, and successes, she simply encouraged me to be curious. She suggested that I ask myself what would happen if I just completely owned and accepted exactly who I am, what I’ve been given, and what I am doing, right here in this moment.

Easy as that, right!

Though on the surface what she was saying to me made complete sense, inside me, this advice felt completely impossible.

How can I accept where I am in my career, when there are so many people around me doing so much more?

How can I accept my privilege, when there are so many people who are suffering?

How can I accept my body, when truthfully it can be frustrating to live in it at times?

The inner dialogue goes on and on…

The long list of questions has one solution, and it’s trite, and often quoted but true. We were given our lives, paths, purposes, strengths, weaknesses, privileges, struggles, and our place on this earth for a reason.

If you stop and think about it, no two life paths are the same. We are all born into completely unique circumstances, and come across and experience life through completely unique lenses. When looking at it this way, it feels a bit easier to drop into our own uniqueness, and own it because it’s what we were made for.

If you were made for a certain struggle, you would be experiencing it, so that you could learn from it, and transform from it, and use it to empower you on your particular path. If you were made for a certain life calling, you would notice the bread crumbs. For example, you would be attracted to certain skills and ideas, be magnetized to certain people, and find flow and impact from what is found naturally within you. You were given your particular body, with its complications and beauty, to be your vehicle in this life, and to teach you along the way.

We become disempowered when we start to disown and doubt who we really are and why we are here. These feelings of inadequacies, weakness, and comparison chip away at our own magnificence and can make us feel like a dull bulb when we are all bright shining stars.

When you’re feeling uneasy about where you are in your life, or uncomfortable with your life circumstances, here are some simple reminders to bring you back to peace:

…Remember that no two life paths are the same, and there is comfort in knowing that yours was made for you.

…Remember that feelings fade, life is always changing.

…Remember to ditch the timeline you think your life should be following, and trust that everything is unfolding exactly as it should.

…Remember to give yourself credit for all that you’ve been through.

…Remember to have compassion for yourself when you’re feeling frustrated.

…Remember to have compassion for others who are also on their unique paths, working day in and day out to try and figure this thing called life out.

I hope you find these reminders as relief, if you have been feeling at all like I have lately. The mind can feel like a blessing and a curse. I know how easy it can be to go down a slippery slope of over-analysis and comparison.

When you find yourself in this spot, remember that we don’t have to have everything figured out in this moment. Owning where we are now will empower us to a brighter tomorrow. Have confidence in your self and your value in this world.

I would love to hear your thoughts about this. Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments!

xo,

Michelle

 

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The Power of Speaking Your Truth

 

Yesterday in Washington, D.C., I attended a world-wide demonstration based on the youth of the United States, proudly, boldly, and authentically speaking their truth. Bearing witness to kids and young adults bravely speaking out about causes that matter to them reminded me of all the beauty that arises when we are unafraid to speak what’s truthful to ourselves.

We aren’t living in easy times. Since the tragedy that occurred in Parkland, Florida (a place where I spent a lot of my growing up years), I have felt a wide-range of emotions, and naturally so. The news cycles of the world today are also anxiety and fear producing. Taking all of this in day in and day out can leave us feeling defeated, powerless, and out of control.

March for Our Lives

My mom has said that truth is the basis of all healing, and in knowing this to be true, an event such as what I experienced yesterday was a huge part of the healing that so many of us in the United States, and worldwide, are searching for. Authentic truth, when spoken with compassion, wisdom, and understanding can be a powerful catalyst to transform the times that we are living in.

I left the March yesterday feeling so inspired, encouraged, and filled with hope. What a relief. Transformation via truth isn’t only available to those on big stages or with large platforms. Living, speaking, and being in our own unique truths is available to us right now, in this moment, and can bring so much positive change and meaning into our lives.

By speaking our truth…

…we can honor our own sense of identity and self.

…we can strengthen our sense of intuition, confidence, and truth in ourselves.

…we can live in integrity, and be aware of where and when we can improve in our lives.

…we can find a sense of freedom and ease.

…we can open ourselves up to community, connection, and meaningful interaction.

…we can promote needed healing for ourselves and those around us.

…we can open up the doors to possibilities and opportunities that we never imagined possible.

…we can spark movements promoting the change we wish to see.

…we can inspire others to speak their truths, and honor them in doing so.

Thank you for allowing me to share my truth with you each and every week. I’m so honored to be apart of this community where we value each other’s authentic truth and can share freely in this way. If you feel called, please let me know your thoughts in the comments below!

xo,

Michelle

 

 

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5 Reminders to Release Comparison and Competition

Though I don’t really love to admit to it, I can be a pretty competitive person. It’s funny because I’m not overtly competitive, but the Scorpio within me often feels driven towards competition, comparison, and striving to come out on top. It’s a quality that honestly is not my favorite, but just like anything else I learn from it, I grow from it, and I’m constantly working through it.

When I was a kid, I played tennis competitively. I was a skilled player from a young age. I had the technique and physical capability, but at that time my mental game was completely messed up, and this ultimately lead to the demise of my tennis career.

I would let the competition, the comparison, and the rankings, completely get the best of me. If I had an off day or if I made a mistake, I would tank. Matches were difficult for me because I constantly felt massive pressure to win, and when that didn’t happen, it was incredibly challenging to overcome the emotions that went along with that. So much so, I even threw my racket a handful of times in fits of anger. Though it’s completely inappropriate, the mental image I have of young Michelle tossing a racket for missing a shot makes me laugh.

I will never forget the many lectures I received from my parents and coaches alike, trying to teach me the importance of sportsmanship and the value of losing, gracefully. I would feel so embarrassed and ashamed while sitting through these talks, because deep down it didn’t feel good to live in that space, while at the same time it felt so difficult to manage.

Ultimately my competitive nature and inability to really cope with it all led me to leave the sport. When it became clear that I wasn’t going to be the next Serena Williams, I decided to follow other dreams, but to this day I wonder what could have unfolded if my mental game had been as finely tuned as the physical.

Over time the nature of my need to compete and compare has changed. While I no longer strive to win matches, I find that my competitive nature seeps into my life, both professionally and personally. Which truthfully, feels even worse than the whole racket throwing thing.

Self-imposed adult competition and comparison is a pretty destructive habit. It not only makes you feel less than and unworthy, but it also drives wedges between us humans who are just trying to do our best every day. But I know that I’m not the only one who falls into this game, right? Society feeds us the necessity of competition, instills the value of being on top of any game, and now, with social media, comparison feels like second nature.

While I would love to be able to write this post and say that I no longer allow competition and comparison to be apart of my life, it’s simply just not true. I still have moments from time to time where I’ll catch myself, in fact I had a moment this past week where I was comparing myself to a peer.

Luckily, I’m more equipped to handle this pesky habit, than back in my tennis days. As with most behaviors, having an awareness of it’s presence is the best first step towards finding a solution. AS always, I thought you may wish to have some quick reminders to break your competitive urges, so I have compiled a list that are helpful to me:

1. Staying in your own lane will always get you where you want to go. We all have unique purposes and paths in this life. Focus on what you are here to do, and allow others to do the same.

2. Comparing yourself to others distracts you from the work that you are here to do.

3. Cultivate gratitude for what you have already accomplished, and for all that you are. This will help you to be and achieve that much more.

4. Remember that other people’s successes don’t take away from your own possibilities.

5. You don’t have to compete with anyone (not even yourself) to be successful, valid, and worthy in this world.

I would love to hear your experiences with comparison and competition! How do you best manage both in your day-to-day lives?

Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments below!

xo,

Michelle

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What I Learned After Years of Going Against My Intuition

If you browse through some of my old posts here, you will come to find that over the years I have talked a lot about intuition. I’ve given tips on how to cultivate a stronger sense of intuition, what it’s like to feel connected to your gut instinct, and how to trust what your inner wisdom is telling you. And truthfully, you can find information like this all over the internet.

This week I wanted to talk to you about intuition, but give you a sense of what life was like for me, when for years, I went directly against it. I really love self-reflection, it’s fascinating for me to look back on the different periods of my life and see what I did well, and see what I could work on. It is so meaningful for me to find all the lessons of my years past to help me in the present and beyond.

When I do this, I can highlight about a five-year period of my life where I went directly against what my intuition told me, in almost every important moment (and even in small moments). I’m starting to recognize that I am one of those people who doesn’t learn the lesson on the first time, or the second time, or even the third time. I have to go through multiple iterations of the same problem with the same lesson, for it to finally stick. Learning to listen to my intuition is probably my biggest and most important example.

I’ll never forget the very first time I consciously had an intuitive hit, and allowed my brain to override and choose differently. It was in 2009, I was recently out of college, had just finished summer internship in New York City (where due to the the tanking economy I was not offered a paying job), and I was desperately trying to decide where to live and what to do next.

I loved living in New York, I loved the person that I was when I lived in New York, but a relationship that I was in and my social life had me being drawn to another city, Chicago. While Chicago is a great city, it was never one on my radar to actually live in. I could hear the tiniest of voices inside me telling me what to do, but I didn’t like what I was being told, so I put myself through an emotional process of pros and cons lists, seeking the opinions of everyone around me, and even asking those close to me to help me make the decision.

You know when you make a good decision, and you feel it in your bones that it’s good? And when you don’t… you don’t. After months of agonizing what I was going to do, when I finally made the decision, I didn’t feel anything at all. Which again, was my intuition speaking to me, and me choosing not to listen.

Throughout this process I knew what my intuition was telling me: live in New York. My brain and my heart teamed up to win the fight, and I chose Chicago. So, I went against my intuition, moved to a brand new city that I wasn’t jazzed about living in (I’m a Florida girl at heart, and Chicago winters were not an example of living my best life), in an unstable economy, for a guy. Yes, I was that girl.

Once I made that decision that I wasn’t really aligned with, it was as if I opened the floodgates for so many opportunities of the like. Leading up to the move, my intuition was speaking to me loud and clear; and I turned away from it, because I thought I knew better. Even more so, I didn’t want what my intuition was telling me to be true.

There were signs everywhere trying to help me to see what I was doing. And as it turned out, the move itself was riddled with problems, but leading with my stubborn mind, I was determined to make it all ok. The relationship that I had moved for (even though I would never admit to this at the time) was incredibly unhealthy and co-dependent. It was frustratingly difficult trying to find a job, and a lot of the time I felt very alone.

It was as if I had plucked myself out of the life my soul was trying to lead, and I landed myself in an alternate reality. I tried to mold myself into this new life to make my decision ok. In that period of time, I searched for everything (externally) to give me validation that I hadn’t made poor life choices, and I was always falling short.

I wasn’t living in alignment with who I was, because I had no idea who I was anymore, because I stopped listening. I wasn’t truly happy from the inside out, my happiness was based on external circumstances, like friends, relationships, and social settings. I had no sense of drive or motivation or life goals. I was pretty aimless, as I just checked off the boxes that I thought I needed to be a complete human on the outside. My life was filled with moments of anxiety and unease, with fleeting moments of happiness.

Like I said at the beginning of this blog, I’m one of those people who has to learn the lessons a million times for it to stick, and that’s what happened to me here. It wasn’t until I was basically kicked out of my own life, where everything was stripped away, that I was able to come back home to myself. The job, the boyfriend, and the community all fell away, and without them I felt like a shell of a person.

Who was I without the life that that my brain created for myself? I had no idea, and that period of time was one of the most difficult that I’ve had to face, because I had to re-discover who I was. I ended up living in Chicago for five years of my life, and while I know I’ve painted it as doom and gloom in this post, it of course had some wonderful moments and highlights with people who I treasure today. But the truth of the matter is, that era of my life will always feel challenging because it’s the period that I betrayed myself and my intuition.

But, I believe there is always a silver lining, and looking back on it, I am eternally grateful, because it was when everything fell apart that I started to listen to my intuition again, which led me to yoga teacher training, and then to the wellness/personal development world, and ultimately to Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life, and the life I lead today.

I value myself enough today to listen and then act. I do my best to make choices based on what is in alignment with my highest truth and to entertain relationships that are healthy and functional. I follow the path that my soul is leading me on, and even though there are still difficult moments, I feel so much better.

If you’re feeling like you may not be in tune with your intuition, these are some of my telltale signs that I still rely on:

If you’re feeling…

…unsettled about how to make decisions

…a low grade anxiety about life

…conflicted about a life choice because of external factors

…unclear about who you are and what you want

You might need to spend some time with yourself, tune in, and listen. Listening to what your soul is telling you will always bring you back to peace and clarity. Your intuition knows what your soul craves. It knows what you truly want, and how you want to feel. Your brain thinks it knows, but it’s always relying on input from ego and external factors. Rather than thinking, start listening, and watch what happens.

I hope this helps you to recognize the power of your own intuition, and to remember to listen!

Would love to hear your thoughts and experiences in the comments below.

xo,

Michelle

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A Powerful Practice for Healing & Forgiveness

A few years ago, I had a falling out with a very good friend of mine. There was an unfortunate incident, we both said things we didn’t mean, we both acted out of integrity, and we both were very stubborn in the matter, and sadly let it go unresolved. We let our own hurt feelings, emotions, and egos keep us from reconciliation.

A lot of time passed, and the relationship seemingly became fractured beyond repair. Deep down I felt hurt and saddened to lose someone who I had valued in my life, and I knew my friend felt the same, but somehow we couldn’t get past the very intense feelings of anger and separation.

The situation felt too large to be fixed, and neither of us were willing to budge on our stances. So, time went on, and we went our separate ways. Even though at the time I would have told you that the situation didn’t bother me, in truth, it really did. I would often convince myself that I was better off without this person in my life, most likely to ease by wounded ego. I don’t like having unresolved conflicts, especially with loved ones. I especially don’t like feeling like I’ve wronged someone, and of course, I don’t like being on the end of someone else’s wrong doing.

Can any of you relate?

It can feel so frustrating to dislike a situation so much, but be completely unsure of how to solve it. But I’ve often found that when we surrender the “hows” and just focus on being open to creative possibilities, solutions come to us. And that’s what happened to me in this situation.

Over time, I noticed that I really disliked carrying around this anger and resentment towards this person who I once cherished. Deep down, I also knew that it wasn’t healthy for my mind, body and spirit to hold on to so much negativity. Not too much later, a friend of a friend mentioned to me a practice she had been incorporating to help her to forgive a very challenging situation she was facing in her life.

In listening to her my interest was peaked, perhaps this was something I, too, could do to mend my own problems. Within that same time frame, a handful of other people in my life also mentioned this powerful practice to me, and so, taking the hint, I became open to trying it.

The practice is Ho’oponopono. An ancient Hawaiian prayer that aides in forgiveness and healing. It’s known to correct wrongs, restore what has been broken, and bring back a sense of peace. The practice is simple, meaningful, and incredibly powerful.

To practice Ho’oponopono, you simply recite four sentences, either aloud or in writing.

I’m sorry.

Please forgive me.

Thank you.

I love you

I immediately felt a sense of relief upon reciting the lines of the prayer. I felt empowered. I felt like I was righting a wrong. Over time, the sting of anger began to subside. My guilt for my own misdoings faded. A situation presented itself where I felt compelled to reach out to this old friend. We slowly began to pick up communitcations, and ultimately had that conversation to resolve what happened, we each owned where we went wrong, and returned to a place of peace within us both and within the relationship.

The moral of this story here is peace is possible. With openness, vulnerability, compassion, and patience, I believe we can overcome the separation that we see so often in our lives. Truthfully, in those moments of the past, my mind couldn’t imagine a situation where I could find resolve, but when presented to me, my openness to the possibility of forgiveness, changed everything. I was open to forgiving myself, I was willing to do the internal work to make amends, and energetically extended that olive branch to find peace.

The work of bridging divide doesn’t have to be so complicated, in fact it can be so simple; if we are open to taking on our own responsibility, and doing the work on our own side. If you are experiencing some difficulty in your life, I offer to you the powerful Ho’oponopono practice. Try it out and see what shifts come forth in your life.

Have you used Ho’oponopono in your life? Would love to hear your experiences! Let me know in the comments below!

xo,

Michelle

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How I Transformed My Relationship with Fear

Recent events and the ever changing state of the world has me thinking a lot this week. There are so many feelings and emotions rushing through our minds right now, but the one that seems to be at the forefront for most people is fear. Fear feels like the all-encompassing emotion for many of us today. Fear feels like the ringleader. When a tragic incident strikes, like the shooting in Parkland, Florida (especially close to home for me), our minds can become overrun with fear. Naturally so. Fear plays a very large role in our lives today, and while being completely consumed by fear won’t be of service to us, it’s also important to note the purpose that fear serves. Fear can be a protector, a shield, a voice of reason. It’s so beneficial to remember the time and place where this is true. But fear can also run us ragged, take hold of us, and rob us of peace of mind.

When we get caught up in a life ruled by fear, we feel disempowered, we feel like a victim, and we feel like we have no control in life. Like anything else in life, once we become aware of how fear creeps in, we can begin to change our relationship with it. We can use it to our own benefit, and we can transform how we view it, leaving us feeling much more empowered, courageous, and in control. Again, like everything else, this is a practice!

And so, my intention for the blog this week (and every week, truthfully) is to share my process with managing fears so that we can take the good and ditch what isn’t working for us. It is my intention to empower you all to work through your fears to help you to find peace of mind and a sense of security, from within.

Become aware of fear based thoughts. My number one way for tackling any problem is to first cultivate awareness. Often times we experience the symptoms of problems, and have trouble finding it’s real root. Fear based thoughts can be a slippery slope. If you’re feeling like fear has taken over you, take note! What thoughts are you thinking that are making you feel fearful? It might be helpful to take a fearful thought inventory. A great way to do this is to carry around a small notebook and jot down the thoughts when they arise. Putting these thoughts on paper will help you to recognize them, honor them, and work through them.
Notice what situations and circumstances bring up this fear for you. Just like it’s important to take note of your thoughts, it’s also helpful to be mindful of experiences that bring up fear. Again, it can be helpful to take an inventory at first just to get a grip on what is up for you with fear. Write down in your notebook where, how, and when fear creeps in for you, again so that we can work through it. More on this below!
Don’t judge your fears. We all fear different things for different reasons based on our own very unique paths in life. Try not to judge yourself for what makes you feel on edge, there’s likely a reason for it. This work is about noticing the fears, finding where they stem from, and working with them. Judgment will not be of service here. On the flip-side, it’s nice to note to be mindful of judging other’s for their fears as well. Remember, we all are walking different paths and likely have our reasons for the fears we’ve picked up.
Talk out your fears. Like I said at the beginning of the blog, some fear can serve a purpose, and some can be damaging. My favorite way of sorting out my fears is to converse with them. If I’m experiencing fear, and my mind becomes aware of it, it’s been helpful for me to stop and walk myself through my fear. Why is this coming up for me right now? What is making me feel this way? What am I afraid of in this instance? From my experience, fear breeds off of uncertainty and relies on you not taking action on it. Having these internal conversations when fear arises will help you to nip it in the bud so to speak and help you to weed out the irrational fears that might be plaguing you.
Have a sounding board on call. While it’s great to be able to talk yourself through fear, sometimes it’s super beneficial to get an outside opinion. Have on call someone you trust, someone who has your best interest at heart, someone who can be truthful with you; so when you’re feeling overcome with fear, you can feel safe talking it out.
Work through the possible outcomes. So much fear stems from uncertainty of the future. Our minds love to imagine all the bad possibilities of situations and circumstances, and often times forget the good ones. When feeling fearful, take some time to jot out the possible outcomes, both good and bad. Read through the list and ask yourself the likelihood of these outcomes. Often, when we confront the wild stories our mind has made up, we can rationalize with them and find a sense of peace.
Take action. One of the biggest obstacles fear can bring is the feeling of overwhelm and victimhood. We feel like we have no power and no control. While it’s true that we can’t control what happens in the external world, we can influence what takes place. The best way to calm the mind, ease the fears, and to promote any kind of change you wish to see is to commit to action. Actionable steps can be small but powerful. You never know what kind of magic is on the other side of fear.

I hope this process for transforming fear is helpful for you!

As always, I love keeping the conversation going. Let me know your thoughts in the comments!

xo,

Michelle

The post How I Transformed My Relationship with Fear appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.

Lessons in Vulnerability

Last week’s blog discussed a very personal and emotional topic: tragedy and grief. Though it’s never easy to talk about difficult moments, I learned so much from opening up in this way. In the moments since I shared something so personal, I’ve learned the great value and power of vulnerability. To be honest, I have a history of vulnerability avoidance, which might sound a little strange to you.

As you know, I’m someone who is very vocal about my belief in feeling feelings and processing emotions, but for some reason, I’ve always had a thing about letting other people see me in those feelings and emotions. I never let people see me cry, even if it’s during a movie or a sappy commercial. I rarely vocalize my needs or desires to other people. I tend to be a very get it done myself, do it all behind closed doors, independent kind of person. Which has served it’s purpose, until I realized how much that blocked me from so much good in life.

Two weeks ago I had a hit that I had to open up and be vulnerable and write about my personal story. Because I take my intuitive hits seriously, I went with it and I wrote and I published. It was a huge step for me in vulnerably sharing, putting myself out there, and actually allowing people to feel my feelings. This experience helped me learn more than I could have imagined.

I learned that, for me, avoiding being vulnerable stemmed from fear. But what is it that I was so afraid of? When I really dive deep to the root of it, I find that there’s a part of me that places high value in appearing that I’m strong and have everything “together” (insert eye-roll here). While I know it’s my own work to sort through why this belief has such a stronghold within me, I also know that there are probably many others who, deep down, feel this way too. Or there are others who have other root fears of vulnerability: fear of judgment, fear of weakness, fear of people knowing too much, fear of rejection, and the list goes on.

Though these fears may feel valid, I’ve learned that they keep us from the beautiful experiences that being vulnerable actually brings to life. The positives of vulnerability outweigh the negatives, there is no doubt, and this week I want to share with you what I’ve learned about vulnerability and the powerful lessons we can take away from engaging in this way.

Vulnerability creates an opportunity for human connection. Though my topic of discussion last week was one of sadness and loss, I can’t tell you how supported and comforted I felt when I received messages from all of you sharing your own experiences with me. There was a bond formed between us in our shared experience. My vulnerability opened us up for your vulnerability, and created a space for beautiful new connection. Vulnerability creates connections that might not have been possible otherwise.

Vulnerability breaks down barriers. There’s no doubt that as a country and as a human species we feel very divided. Being vulnerable has the ability to bring us together. Why? Because at our core we are all human beings with feelings, desires, emotions, and needs. When we come back to this, we can break down the walls that we have built between one another, and remember who we really are, why we’re here, and what we can do when we work together.

Vulnerability evokes empathy. Sometimes it’s really hard to see someone else’s point of view, especially when they are hard-lined and closed off. There seems to be about a million different reasons that we all disagree lately, and fight hard about these beliefs, but have you ever noticed that when someone is being vulnerable, it kind of makes it hard to feel that strong sense of contempt? When someone authentically expresses their self in a vulnerable way it creates the possibility of empathy and compassion, and probably peaceful resolve.

Vulnerability encourages vulnerability. Like I said above, I felt so moved by the vulnerable shares I saw in response to my post. It’s really beautiful to see how we all can inspire each other to connect, break down barriers, to feel and to understand. It’s in these interactions that we begin to heal, to grow, and to come back home to one another. In addition, I can’t tell you how inspired I’ve felt this week watching the teenagers in my home state of Florida, who have bravely and vulnerably expressed themselves in the wake of a horrific tragedy. Their vulnerability and bravery will spark us all to continue to follow suit.

So have I successfully made the case for vulnerability yet? I sure hope so.

I’d love to hear your thoughts on the topic, let’s keep the conversation going in the comments below.

Love you all!

xo,

Michelle

 

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What I Wish I’d Known Before An Unexpected Loss

Happy Sunday my friends!

This week’s blog feels like a bit of a doozy, but to be honest, it’s a topic that I feel like I’ve been yearning to write about for close to 10 years. Perhaps for catharsis, or for inspiration, we will see. Truthfully, the impetus and inspiration for the blog this week came from a popular television show, as odd as that might sound! I am a super fan of the show This Is Us. I find it very relatable, cathartic, and thought provoking.

For those of you who don’t watch the show, the most recent episodes dealt with a very tragic and unexpected loss of one of the main characters.The loss of this character felt devastating, and while watching I kept wondering what I would do if in that situation. How would I deal? Can you imagine one day having someone in your life and then next day not? Unimaginable loss.

After a moment, I realized that I didn’t have to imagine too hard. I brought myself back to my own reality. That story is my story. I have been there in my own way, and it took me a minute to own that I, too, am a person who has experienced tragic, unexpected loss. But I also know that I am not alone. It happens to people every day. Likely many of us have experienced an unexpected loss, a tragedy, an injustice, a sadness…and it is brutal.

I’ll share a bit about my own story and then I’ll delve into what I know now and what I wish I’d known then.

When I was 21 and just about to go back to college for my senior year, my mom and I booked a girls trip to California. Upon arrival after a five hour flight across the country, I turned on my phone to find dozens of concerning text messages regarding the wellbeing of my dad. I will never forget returning a call from my step-dad in a chipper tone to let him know we had arrived, only for him to respond with a very stoic, “I need to speak to your mother.” I will never forget the knowingness in my gut that something was very wrong, that was shortly confirmed by my mom’s expression on the phone. No words had been spoken, but I knew. My dad has unexpectedly passed in his sleep.

I will never forget the feeling of still sitting on an airplane on the tarmac at LAX trying to come to terms with the news and also trying to figure out how on earth would we be able to get home. We luckily were able to find a flight back east that day, however, I’ll also never forget the five hour flight back (pre-wifi days), where I had to sit with myself in silence and in shock and contemplate what had just happened to my life.

My dad was a huge part of my life, we had our issues of course, but he was one of my favorite people. It feels like there is nothing that can prepare you for events such as these, but I’ve learned so much stemming from that day close to 11 years ago, on loss, grief, acceptance, growth, rage, and a whole slew of emotions. I’ve been a witness to its process. It’s probably been my biggest teacher.

So when I watched this TV show recently, and witnessed this loss again, it took me back to that moment on the plane, and it got me thinking. Tragedy is everywhere, and it feels insurmountable when it’s happening. Losses can rock us to our core, bring us to our knees, and immediately change the courses of our lives. There’s no way around it.

So I asked myself, what would I have wished I had known before life took it’s turn?

This is what I came up with:

Life is fragile. It sounds cliche but when it happens to you, you know that in any moment life can go upside down. Though much easier to do in retrospect, try to take in and savor the moments of your life that are unfolding right now.

Life is a gift. This really puts a lot into perspective for me. I find the pettiness and shallowness of ordinary life falls away when I remember that it is a blessing to be alive, especially with loved ones surrounding me.

Life is messy. It’s silly to expect every day to be rainbows and butterflies. The bad isn’t necessarily bad. It’s preparation. Take each hit and learn from it, you never know the value it will bring you in the future.

Life has purpose. Every moment is brought to us for a reason. We are living our own unique lives on purpose. Our stories are precious and our paths are unchartered.

Life is unpredictable. We just don’t know when life will swoop us up and change our course, so be present, be gracious, be passionate, and be grateful. Life is ever changing, this moment never stays the same.

After writing all this down, I then thought it might be nice to give you a little bonus! It’s great to have the lessons before, but it’s also really helpful to know the biggest lessons learned after too.

There are no rules to heartbreak. You don’t have to follow anyone’s mold of how to cope. Allow yourself to feel in your own time, space, and pace.

The new normal is uncomfortable. When managing a loss it’s very uncomfortable because there is something in your life that is missing, that can’t return. It’s a new normal. Be gentle with yourself and you slowly acquaint yourself with life as it is now.

Reflect back, but don’t live there. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve relived moments with my dad. Sometimes it feels very torturous, sometimes cathartic. Allow yourself to take in the memories, but try not to live there. Hold close to what has happened, but be present in the now.

Don’t compare yourself to anyone else’s journey. There are times that I have downplayed my own heartbreak because in my mind it wasn’t “tragic enough.” Whatever that means. If you’re going through something that’s difficult for you, it’s exactly that. Difficult for you. It doesn’t matter the degree of difficulty. Comparison in heartbreak is a game that no one wins.

Allow yourself to feel. After my dad died I was really an emotional mess. I was young and going through a lot and had a lot of emotions. Sometimes I would get down on myself for “not being over it yet.” I vividly remember someone close to me saying that I get a whole year after he died to just cope. That brought me a sense of relief in the moment, but when that year passed I thought to myself, “Does this mean I all of a sudden have to act as if I’m okay”? The truth is the feelings are always just below the surface, even now, and I no longer try to push them away. When they come, I feel them, but I don’t let them consume me.

Get help as often as needed. Having a trusted team of support is crucial. I would not be a functioning human if it wasn’t for my family, my counselors, my therapists, my coaches, and my true friends. And I have no problem being vulnerable enough to ask for their help, when I need it. Even now. This also goes for outside the times of crisis, but especially true in these circumstances.

Cultivate a new relationship on your own terms. It wouldn’t be a Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life blog without a little bit of woo. One of the most comforting aspects of losing a loved one is the ability to cultivate a relationship even after they’ve passed. I still talk to my dad, I ask for signs from him. We have a new relationship now, and it’s absolutely perfect. He is my cheerleader on the other side, and he helps me in so many ways. So if you’ve lost someone, you can miss their physicality, but remember you can still have them in spirit.

Phew! I told you this one would be a doozy! I really hope that any of you who have experienced a loss or something of this nature finds some sort of comfort from this blog. Please remember that this is all my own personal experience and not meant to be an all-encompassing “how-to” but simply my take on it all.

I’d love to hear your thoughts or comments on the subject, if you are comfortable sharing.

xo,

Michelle

The post What I Wish I’d Known Before An Unexpected Loss appeared first on Peaceful Mind Peaceful Life.