Steve Biddulph's Blog, page 7

Boys to men

Encouraging good dads to be great dads.

A seminar that would be well worth attending is being facilitated by Male Health Victoria.

How can adults invest in the best ways to nurture healthy young men into quality adult men.

Check out details. http://malehealthvic.org.au/index.php...

Get there if you can.

Dadmania

Encouraging good dads to be GREAT DADS!

Following a recent speaking engagement, a young school teacher approached me to tell me about a recent father’s day activity held at their primary (elementary) school that sounded most inspiring.

Dads, granddads and Special Family Friends (for children whose father is not around) were invited to an afternoon of activities in their child’s classroom. The activities ranged from reading , playing board games and doing artwork together.

One dad commented to this particular teacher that the car park looked like Dadmania. He explained that there were dozens of utes, pick ups, vans, trucks and 4wds. What an amazing sight for a primary school car park, I thought to myself.

How times have changed. Only a generation or two ago there was not this flexibility in the workplace, nor was there the general understanding that father involvement in childhood development was critical.

Dads these days have the message that their children need them to be there for them, especially in the formative years. I find it very encouraging that men now see that time with their children including turning up at school and being involved in their child’s education does much for their child’s esteem and for their relationship with dad.

The social shift we have seen is wonderful in this regard, however the need for continued influence is vital. Many men have been made to feel redundant or they have yet to have someone encourage them in their important role as fathers.

Offer a word of encouragement to a dad in your work place or sports club. The gift of a book such as Raising Boys or Raising Girls may be a nice gesture. There are seminars, retreats, courses to inspire men to be the best dads possible readily available in our communities, a google search will hold information about these.

I am running two seminars this week for dads in Melbourne. I look forward to connecting with, and hopefully having a positive influence in their fatherhood roles and encouraging them in their relationships with their children.

If you would like to grab a copy of my book, Good dads GREAT DADS for your ipad, click here to purchase. http://itunes.apple.com/au/book/good-...

Dads are life-builders!

Encouraging good dads to be GREAT DADS!

When your dad spent time with you he was letting you know that you were important to him. When he spoke positive words into your life, he was building you as a person. When he disciplined you, his intention was to teach you right from wrong and that there were consequences for doing the wrong thing in life. When your father lovingly embraced you he demonstrated his love for you.

If your father was not there for you or was not able to do these things, he missed his opportunity to build you as a person. And you missed his quality input into your life.

According to John Eldredge in his book Wild at Heart, most men carry a father-wound in their heart. This father-wound was either inflicted intentionally or abusively by them, or it was inflicted passively through their neglect or from being emotionally distant.

Our fathers had an enormous impact in who we became as men (or women) either in a positive way or a negative way.

Each parent has a unique and complimentary role to play in the shaping of their children’s lives. It is a deep shame when either parent is missing from the equation. The positive input from both a dad and a mum are essential ingredients for the overall development of the child. When either is absent, substitute significant others play a vital role in providing both the input and the positive role model for the child.  For example school teachers, sports coaches or youth group leaders.

When we as dads take full responsibility to fulfil our role and function as quality fathers in our children’s lives  our children are getting the best chance in life, especially when complimented by the quality input of their  mother.

Daughters need to know that they are their Daddy’s princess and sons need to know that they measure up to their father’s expectations of them, that they make the grade. If your dad says you measure up then you will have far greater self-confidence and resilience to face life than the child whose father never communicates his endorsement, or worse, belittles his child.

This is Father’s Day.

Fatherhood should be celebrated because quality fathering builds great lives. Never under-estimate the positive influence you can and will have in your children’s lives.

Spending quality time with your children, affirming them and telling them that you love them and are very proud of them regularly is a great place to start.

The essence of being a GREAT DAD is being pro-active in our relationship with our kids. Taking the front foot and showing initiative in our role as dads. Being intentional about building life-long, meaningful relationships with our children is what it’s all about.

Is there a higher calling than building the lives entrusted to us? I don’t think so.

Happy Father’s Day.

PS If you have an iPad you can read a lot more about how to be a Great Dad in my book available on iTunes. Search, Good dads great dads, Mal White

I am saving money toward publishing a paperback version. Watch this space.

Good dads GREAT DADS on the radio

Inspiration for every dad.

This week’s blog is via a radio interview.

Family Radio Australia interviewed me this week in readiness for the lead up to Father’s day. In the interview I share some of my story, including how my Leukaemia diagnosis formed a catalyst to found Good Dads GREAT DADS.

Listen to the interview here and please let me know if you do.

http://familylifeaustralia.sermon.net/da/1199786314

Enjoy!

Caring enough to confront

Inspiration for every dad.

Confronting our children is one of the lesser enjoyable aspects of parenting. Letting them know that they have done the wrong thing or that certain behaviours or attitudes are unacceptable. I speak from personal experience when I say pick the moment wisely and choose your words carefully.

Preface the conversation with a statement like, “we need to have  a talk” or ” I need you and I to sit down after dinner, there is something we need to talk about” This gives them time to process what it may be about and demonstrates a level of composure on your behalf. Keeping cool when you are hot under the collar takes practice.

If you are really tired or they are in a foul mood it is unwise to choose tis time to do the confronting. You may say something hurtful you later regret or you may drive an unnecessary wedge between you and your child.

There are times when you will lose composure and give them a “double barrel” verbal blast. Perhaps they deserved it perhaps not. Either way this is not the preferred method of communication when dealing with children. If this happens be sure to later apologize for yelling at them. It doesn’t hurt for your children to see you occasionally lose it if their behaviour has infuriated you. But it is important to let them know that this is not the best way to handle conflict.

Be direct in your confrontation and let your communication be clear. Do not beat around the bush on an issue. Tell it straight. Try to keep a level voice and be sure to let them know that it’s their behaviour or their attitude you are wanting to discuss. Never attack the person, always the behaviour. “When you do this” or “This particular attitude you have had lately is really not acceptable.” Statements like “That behaviour does not belong in our household”, “When you do this you are really making me cross and I don’t want to have to keep on confronting you when you should know better.” are examples of how to confront with a caring attitude.

I once heard some helpful advice on confrontation that is put simply “Major on majors and minor on minors.” Weigh up the issue, consult with your spouse or a friend to help you get perspective on the situation at hand. Then with a cool head and time to think it through you will usually put forward a clearer and hopefully more effective message to your child.

Be strong on setting down and reinforcing boundaries. Children need healthy parameters for behaviour.

Dads need to be actively involved in this aspect of parenting and not to just leave it up to the mum to do the tougher stuff.

A record 60 people landed on this site today. That’s encouraging.

right here right now

Inspiration for dads.

Having attended a thanksgiving service yesterday afternoon for a 63-year-old lady I know I am reminded once again of how valuable families are. To hear siblings, children and grandchildren talking of their love and appreciation of the person whose life we were celebrating was so heartwarming and brought a tear to my eye.

To receive a message from a friend on Facebook telling me that a mutual friend of ours has just had a heart attack and did not pull through, at only 48, is very confronting and a real shock. Chris leaves behind his lovely wife, Kerry and 4 children. So sad, so sudden and without warning. I can only imagine the pain they are feeling at this time.

Having faced my mortality and journeyed through the valley of cancer I am very aware of the frailty of life and the uncertainty of tomorrow. I feel for the families that are grieving. I am very grateful this week that I have been given the chance to live on and rebuild my life.

As dads we need to value our children and the time we get to spend with them. If you were faced with only days or weeks to live, what priority shuffle would take place in your life? Are you spending as much time with your children as you need to be?

If we have things we need to communicate to our children, we should do it today. If we are not giving them our utmost as their dads we probably need to re-evaluate what we are doing, and why.

Remember as a dad there is a significant step up from being a good dad to being a GREAT DAD.

What can you do right here and now to make sure you are being everything your children need you to be?

Bit confronting? I don’t mind. Life’s too short and fragile to be namby-pamby and beat around the bush.

Lot’s of things in life matter. But in your children’s eyes what really matters is that they are valuable to you and that they measure up to your standards. And that they are important enough to you that you would want to spend time with them. They need to be affirmed and loved; right here and right now. A father’s love for a child is a precious gift. Today matters.

Hang in there dad

Inspiration for every dad on the planet.

Winter delivered me an almighty bout of illness and I felt very ordinary, hence no blog for 3 weeks. Apologies.

Usually I prattle on about the joys of father hood and occasionally I acknowledge the challenges that go with the territory.

My sons are now 23, almost 21 and 19. They are all living at home with my wife and I in our small weatherboard, cottage-like home. At times it feels quite crowded, especially in the kitchen when everyone is clambering for food.

There have been times when our boys have pushed us through the proverbial ringer. We have despised and begrudged certain attitudes, behaviours and choices they have made. At times I have asked the question, where did we go wrong?

Whilst I, like most other men, have fallen short in some aspects of fathering, I have been conscientious to try to do the role justice ie; be the dad I wish I’d had.

Nonetheless I have been confronted with the fact that there are no formulas or guarantees that our children will always choose the most practical, logical and sensible options in life. If they just did everything the way we wish they would life would be less stressful. Wouldn’t it?

Perhaps we would have less stress but we are not here to simply clone ourselves are we? Raising children teaches us much about life and much about ourselves and it is not always pretty.

To grow children into  adults takes a lot of years. And at times, painful years. It will squeeze us of our patience and potentially  strain our values and our beliefs. There are times that we will be confronted with our own weaknesses and even some of our less than savoury attitudes.

I see some families where the children seem like angels and they all come through the teen years as though life is like a gentle lake with a soft breeze blowing. Give me some of that lake.

Our boys have matured a lot and certain attitudes and behaviours are passing. I laugh with my sons a lot more now and am less stressed out by them. I enjoy having them around. I smile when they sit around the table with us and play card games, chess or sit down and watch one of our daggy shows on TV with us.

I think we have survived the worst of it. And to be completely honest I wouldn’t want to go through  those years again. Raising young children, awesome! Taking children through adolescence to adulthood, is not something I would want to go through again. Alas it has to be done. It is part of the journey every parent must travel.

There are no short cuts except perhaps except sending them to boarding school, military school or Siberia. None of which were options for us.

I love being a dad and I am hoping that the really tough years will bring much fruit and many years of delightful adult to adult relationship with my kids and their families, if and when they come along. I will smile with sinister delight when they are going through the teenage years with their kids. Sweet revenge.

Whatever stage of the fatherhood journey you are at, enjoy the good times and hang in their in the tough times. Your not alone. And life is a long time. Major on the major things and minor things. Keep your cool. Confront boldly, but with sincere love. Remember you were a teenager once to. And remember one day they will be through this patch. Nurture the relationship while they are young so you have something to draw on when the road gets a little rocky.

 

Ultimately, believe in your kids and hang on to the hope that they will turn out alright in the end.

 

Bonding and separating

Encouraging good dads to be GREAT DADS!

A couple of weekends ago we visited friends living on the coast just south of Sydney. To see my friend and his 15-year-old son spear fishing for jew fish was an encouraging sight. To see a father and son cruising along the rock ledges in their wetsuits and fins, I was reminded about the bond that a father and child can share. To see how common interests can help to strengthen the bond inspired my thoughts for today’s blog.

They enjoy fishing, surfing and shooting together. Living right on the beach affords them the opportunity to connect through activity almost daily. An enviable lifestyle from my point of view.

Watching the current series of the Amazing Race, Australia, there is a father and daughter team. To see the kindred spirit this father and daughter share in their devotion to athleticism and competition is awesome. The daughter is currently gearing up to leave home and the dad is finding hard to let go. He is concerned she is not ready yet to make it on her own. Through their participation in the Amazing Race, she is hoping to prove to her dad that she is capable and that he should respect her abilities and level of maturity. It seems to be working.

Sometimes dads have difficulty letting go of their children. It’s not just the mothers.

Bonding and separation, the joy and pain of parenting. Sometimes this is reversed. There may be difficulty bonding and there may be a sense of relief when there is separation. I respect that.

I was having a chat this week with a work colleague about how fatherhood has added a new dimension to his life. He is so proud of his 18 month old son and loves going home each day to see him and loves just hanging around at home on weekends with his wife and child.

I am running a Good dads GREAT DADS seminar this week and know that over 40 dads have booked in already. Effective Fatherhood is such an inspiring conversation topic. To hear dads telling their stories is always an inspiration.

How is your bond with your each child growing? What else could you be doing to strengthen the bond? What separation challenges are you facing?

Good dads GREAT DADS, the book available for iPad on the iTunes bookstore-$2.99

 

The Book has arrived!!!

That photo was meant to be on this blog….whoops!

Exciting news…. Good dads GREAT DADS is now live on iTunes.

It is available for iPad, iPhone and iPod.

Be sure to download ibooks app first.

I am hoping that this book will reach thousands of homes and bring great benefit to fathers and their children.

Grab your copy now; http://itunes.apple.com/au/book/good-...

Please spread the word through all your social media networks.

Enjoy.

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