Farnoosh Torabi's Blog, page 17

DailyWorth: Celeb Money Mistakes

As Chris Rock once said, “Rich is some (bleep) you could lose with a crazy summer and a drug habit.” Just because one may be good at making money doesn’t mean he or she necessarily has the savvy to save, invest and grow that money. The financial failures of some celebrities amplify what can go wrong when you mismanage your dollars and cents.

Check out my story on DailyWorth featuring five famous faces, their financial faux pas and the lessons they learned.

 

Yahoo: Are Young Women More Ambitious?

Young, single women in this country are, on average, out-earning and outlearning their male counterparts. Why is that?

I stopped by Yahoo!Finance to discuss findings from my new book, When She Makes More, and discuss potential reasons young women are outpacing young men in financial and professional ways. NYU professor Kathleen Gerson, author of The Unfinished Revolution, also joins the panel with great insights. (Kathleen is a star expert in my book, as well!)

When She Makes More on Morning Joe

Stopped by one of my favorite shoes, Morning Joe on MSNBC, to discuss my “Rules for the Women Who Bring Home the Bread,” as they titled  the segment.

Today: When She Makes More

When She Makes More debuts today! First stop: the NBC Today Show!

Visit NBCNews.com for breaking news, world news, and news about the economy

New Ways to Pursue Your “Equal”

Recently a young, single woman emailed me lamenting over her dating debacles. She’d just read my new book, When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women and was a tad frustrated to discover that she may need to have more of an open mind towards finding her “equal” or perfect “match.”

As a graduate of Columbia University leading a successful career in publishing, she was determined to find a similarly educated and career-ambitious man. “I know that you don’t have to have an Ivy League degree to be insanely smart and successful, enlightened and evolved…But honestly, I want all of it. I want the book-smart, street-smart and financially-smart. I want the well-dressed, cultured and sophisticated smart. Is that too much to ask for? I don’t think it is when you consider that I can reciprocate in all those areas. I’m not asking for anything that I can’t provide in return. I just can’t settle for less,” she wrote.

The fact is, particularly for young ambitious females, the chances of finding an “equal” mate in terms of pay and education is statistically challenging. And even if you do land a date with this guy, there may not be a second, for psychological reasons (more on that in a moment).

First, let’s review the stats. According to a 2012 study by Reach Advisors, the median income of single women between the ages of 22 and 30 is now greater than the income of single men in that same age group in most cities throughout the country. “What it is saying is that young women are way more educated than young men. They’re much more likely to get a degree in the knowledge-based workforce and more of these jobs are going to women. That’s why the median income is higher,” says James Chung, President of Reach Advisors.

Further, more women than men place an emphasis on career aspirations at the moment. A recent Pew Research Center study found that 66 percent of young women aged eighteen to thirty-four rate their career high on their list of priorities, compared with 59 percent of young men.

The pool of men earning less and thinking less about their next big career move – but perhaps just as ‘equal’ to women in other ways – philosophically, personal values-wise – is greater.

Your significant other may turn out to earn less than you. His job may not be as “prestigious” or time-consuming. He may be ambitious, but not in the professional ways that you are. He may not have gone to a top-notch college like you did.

Will you be okay with that?

Like this young woman who emailed me, I too, faced a tough road while single and searching for someone who was just as passionate about his career, as financially secure, and educated. I wanted my Alpha equivalent.

While I may have been interested in these types of men, the feeling was hardly ever mutual.

After describing my relationship failures to a male colleague, he, a married father of two, quickly detected the problem. You might not want to talk about your career or what you do for a living so much when you’re first getting to know each other, he offered. If you tell him that you have a Master’s degree and own your own apartment, he’ll lose interest. You have everything figured out, which is great for you. But all the while he’s thinking, ‘what will she need me for?’

The Caveman Within

As I began researching the dynamics between men, women, money, power and love for my upcoming book, I learned a great deal more about these psychological forces at play from academic studies and relationship experts.

For example, researchers at the University of Florida and the University of Virginia recently published a provocative study in the APA Journal of Personality and Social Psychology. It found that “men’s subconscious self-esteem may be bruised when their spouse or girlfriend excels.”

A separate study out of Cornell University concluded men are more likely to cheat on their wives and female partners when she makes more. In fact, “Men who were completely dependent on their female partner’s income were five times more likely to cheat than men who contributed an equal amount of money to the partnership.”

Adam Gilad, a top relationship expert and former Graduate Research Fellow at Stanford, broke down the male mindset to me quite simply.

The core fear of men is that they’re inadequate on any level, he explained. And there are evolutionary reasons for this. “If a man was inadequate, he was killed or kicked out of the tribe. They took his wife, killed his kids. You had to keep up the reputation of competence and as soon as you were seen as incompetent you were seen as everybody’s bitch.”

The words “competence” and “adequacy” to men – even as wives are increasingly earning more than their husbands – still imply the ability to financially provide and take care of your loved ones – even as times are changing. So, as alpha women, if we’re demonstrating that we’re able to take care of everything on our own, that we don’t need a helping hand, then the alpha male won’t necessarily feel challenged and will move on.

“Traditionally men’s worth is based on their ability to supply resources. This is very traditional…It’s not going to change fast,” Gilad continued.

Catering to the Male Brain

It’s still possible for two alphas to attract. The question is – are you willing to cater to the male brain and respect how men and women differ in terms of expectations, mental processing, innate needs and even brain chemistry?

Let’s say you’re in. One way to execute this, experts say, is to be your “sexy, feminine self,” which can help to bring out his male, chivalrous self.

Gestures from him like opening doors, planning dates, giving you his jacket when it’s chilly, sort of fell out of favor because they came with the association that women needed to be taken care of, that they were somehow lesser than men and needed special protection and consideration. But these days, as women can clearly take care of themselves, if he likes opening the door for you, and you like having it opened, who cares?

“Step into your femininity,” says Marni Battista, relationship coach and founder of DatingWithDignity. “If you have a hard time letting him help you or be chivalrous that’s a big sign that’s something you need to work on in the area of giving and receiving because it’s an easy way to make a man feel masculine,” she says.

Next, discuss what you love, not just the technical details of your job you do on the date. Rather than get into the nitty-gritty of your responsibilities and how you’re up for a promotion, Battista encourages her successful single female clients to elaborate more on why they love their careers. When you’re asked about work why not say, “One of the things I love about my job is that I’m passionate about making a big impact on the world. I love what I do because I get to be on the forefront of change,” she says. “Talk about the personal part of your job. That’s a whole other conversation.” And one that can keep even the most Alpha men who are concerned about their supportive “role” in your life interested. “We don’t want first date conversations to be about work. Then it’s a business meeting. Then you’re networking.”

Benefits of Being With a Beta

Admittedly, I don’t think I “played up my femininity” to my advantage in those early years of dating, at least not enough to counterbalance any red flags my career ambitions were signaling to the handsome lad across the dinner table.

But that’s okay. There’s another solution to finding happily ever after. It involves falling in love with a Beta.

There’s this reality we can’t escape and that is if you want a true partnership in your relationship or marriage, there needs to be balance. It’s very challenging for two people to race 100 miles per hour during the workweek and share a satisfying life together that includes a home, kids possibly, a pet and family obligations. If, as a woman, you know that deep down your livelihood and ego depends heavily on your career ambition and success, best to be with someone whose livelihood and ego is tied greatly to…something else.

Along the way, keep in mind that the man in your life wants to do the most important thing in your life. He wants to help. He wants to still “provide,” even if it doesn’t mean being the main financial provider. And he is out there. Just as there are many men who will be intimidated, there will be others who will be smitten.

Still, though, don’t forget that he’s a man. Together, you need to decide what his role can best be in your happily ever after story and he will do it, provided your support and praise. “I call men Pavlov’s gender,” says Gilad. “We have the most programmable persona. You appreciate and admire a man into his virtues. That’s it. A man needs to feel like he’s your hero.”

In my own marriage, I will be the first to admit that my sense of self-worth is tied immensely to my work. Eight months pregnant, I’m currently focused more on this book release than the fact that come June we will have another living creature among us who will need a lot of attention. My husband is first and foremost a family guy and that’s what I love most about him. He receives far greater satisfaction pursuing success as the man of the house and our family, as opposed to the man with the big, corner office. And that works well for us.

I receive daily reminders of just how wonderful life is with your unconventional equal, in fact. At the end of our last ultrasound appointment, the doctor told me my husband is a “keeper.” Of course, I’ve known this all along, but I was curious why she thought so. “Well, for starters,” she said, “He didn’t look at his phone once during the appointment.”

“That happens?” I asked. “More than you’d think,” she replied.

Top Experts: When She Makes More

I’m so excited for my new book When She Makes More coming out on May 1st.

If you’ve already pre ordered your copy, thanks! Otherwise take a moment to pre-order your copy now and be entered for a chance to win some cool prizes, including a VIP tour of The Today Show!

While you’re waiting for the book to be released, I thought I’d share with you some of my favorite books on the topic of female breadwinners and changing role of women in the workplace.

The End of Men

By Hanna Rosin (Riverhead, September 2012)

This book explores the social and economic forces that are changing the power dynamic between men and women in education, at work, in relationships, and even in criminal behavior. Rosin’s book takes a very journalistic approach to the topic of female breadwinners with plenty of discussion and anecdotes.

http://hannarosin.com/

https://twitter.com/HannaRosin

http://www.amazon.com/End-Men-Rise-Women/dp/B00D9TA4VY

The Richer Sex

By Liza Mundy (Simon & Schuster, 2012)

Liza Mundy’s book offers the reader a comprehensive exploration of the ascent of female workers and their paychecks. One of the great aspects of this book is that takes the reader on an historical journey from the late 1800s all the way to present day, showing how women have marched their way to this new status. Not content to merely explore the past Mundy also makes several predictions about how this new trend of female breadwinners will transform relationships and the home life for generations to come.

http://www.lizamundy.com/

https://twitter.com/lizamundy

http://www.amazon.com/The-Richer-Sex-Breadwinners-Transforming/dp/1439197725

Female Breadwinners

By Suzanne Doyle-Morris (Wit and Wisdom, 2011)

Suzanne Doyle-Morris’ 2011 book offers predictions on how the social change of female breadwinners can benefit everyone—women, men, businesses, and children. Her book also presents some very candid interviews with women who earn more than their spouses.

http://femalebreadwinners.com/

https://twitter.com/fembreadwinners

http://www.amazon.com/Female-Breadwinners-They-Make-Relationships/dp/0956268811

The Feminine Mistake: Are We Giving Up Too Much?

By Leslie Bennetts (Voice, 2008)

Bennetts’s 2008 book praises those women who try to “have it all.” That is, a career, motherhood, and a happy marriage all at the same time. The book’s message slams the notion that it’s too difficult for women to “juggle” these three main aspects of modern life, arguing instead that women are much better off in all circumstances by not sacrificing their financial autonomy.

http://www.amazon.com/Feminine-Mistake-Are-Giving-Much/dp/B000YFEDKO

For Richer or Poorer: Keeping Your Marriage Happy When She’s Making More Money

By Harriet Pappenheim and Ginny Graves (Harper, 2006)

Although parts of the book are a bit dated now, For Richer or Poorer combines the expertise of Harriet Pappenheim, a New York psychoanalyst with a focus on couple therapy, with the reporting skills of Ginny Graves, who’s been writing about women’s issues for decades. Together, the two teach women who outearn their husbands how to keep their marriages intact. At the time of its release the book was the first of it’s kind to talk in depth about female breadwinners.

http://www.harrietpappenheim.com/index.html

http://www.amazon.com/For-Richer-Poorer-Keeping-Marriage/dp/B001G8WWUQ

Smart Women Finish Rich

By David Bach (Crown Business, 2002)

In his book Smart Women Finish Rich, David Bach shows women of all ages and backgrounds how to take control of their financial future. Bach’s nine-step program gives readers the tools they need for spending  wisely, establishing security, and aligning money with values to “finish rich.”

http://www.finishrich.com/

https://twitter.com/AuthorDavidBach

http://www.amazon.com/Smart-Women-Finish-Rich-Achieving/dp/076791029X

The Unfinished Revolution: Coming of Age in a New Era of Gender, Work, and Family

By Kathleen Gerson (Oxford University Press 2009)

Kathleen Gerson’s 2012 book explores the role of adults born after the women’s revolution of the 1970’s and their place in society, dubbed the “children of the gender revolution.” Gerson explores single paycheck families and also non-traditional family models with compassion for all sides.

http://www.kathleengerson.com/

https://twitter.com/KathleenGerson

http://www.amazon.com/The-Unfinished-Revolution-Coming-Gender/dp/0195371674

Getting to 50/50: How Working Parents Can Have It All  

By Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober (Bantam 2009)

This book from Sharon Meers and Joanna Strober offers a road map for working parents to share equally in having a happy and successful family by sharing responsibilities 50/50. The book has received praise from many powerful women including Sheryl Sandberg, the COO of Facebook, who writes the introduction in the latest edition.

http://www.gettingto5050.com/

https://twitter.com/Gettingto50_50

https://twitter.com/sharonmeers

 

 

My Fave Relationship Gurus

I’m so excited that my book is coming out on May 1st!

If you haven’t grabbed a copy yet, make sure to do so. (Pre-order now and you’ll win all sorts of amazing prizes PLUS the chance to win a trip to the Today Show, lunch with me, and an amazing gift bag!)

Writing When She Makes More has given me the incredible opportunity to learn from so many relationship experts. I wanted to share some of these experts with you, whose work I follow and highly recommend. They each offer powerful perspectives and tools on how to find and keep an incredible relationship to support you in living a rich life!

I encourage you to check them out!

Evan Marc Katz

Evan Marc Katz has been called a “personal trainer for smart, strong, successful women.” By helping women understand men — what they think, how they act, and what they really want — he empowers them to make healthy, informed choices in love. Since 2003, he’s helped thousands of women to fall in love, get married, and start families.

Website: http://www.evanmarckatz.com/blog/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/evanmarckatz

Marni Battista

International dating expert Marni Battista (or as Ryan Seacrest calls her, “the best dating coach”) helps women worldwide to date with dignity. She takes women through a 10-step process to help them to catapult to new levels of happiness in just weeks.

Website: www.datingwithdignity.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/MarniBattista

Kavita J Patel 

Kavita J Patel has been a love coach since age 13, when she coached her own parents through their turbulent marriage. Now in her 30s, she helps women worldwide (including executives at Google, Amazon, and Microsoft) to find and keep the love of their lives. Kavita has the unique approach of helping women transform their relationships with their parents in order to become magnets of the love of their lives.

Website: www.kavitajpatel.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/kavitajpatel

Bernardo Mendez

Mentored by Tony Robbins, Bernardo (Or “Bern” as his friends call him) helps women to share their full feminine radiance with men and reclaim the courage to be adored and worshipped completely. In his online show, Your Great Life TV, Bern shares tools to help you live a more fulfilled life, and how to attract your ideal man in.

Website: http://www.yourgreatlifetv.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/yourgreatlifetv

Adam Gilad

A prolific author, speaker, screenwriter, and more, Adam Gilad helps women and men to learn one another’s “language,” so they can enjoy fearless lives of love and adventure together. He has programs and books helping women (and men) to find love online or off, and helping them to learn the skills of creating and nourishing a conscious relationship.

Website: http://adamgilad.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/AdamGilad

Alanna Pratt

An Intimacy Expert who has been featured on CBC, TLC, and Fox, Alanna inspires women to embrace their sacred erotic nature to attract the love and attention they desire. Her empowering show, Intimate Conversations LIVE, attracts thousands as she explores the often “taboo” topics of sex and intimacy.

Website: http://allanapratt.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/allanapratt

Alison Armstrong

Alison Armstrong has been at the forefront of transforming how women relate to men for the past 20 years. Thousands of women from age 17 to 83 have experienced her transformational workshops, and learned how to have powerful, satisfying relationships with all the men in their lives.

Website: http://www.understandmen.com/index.html

Twitter: https://twitter.com/PaxProgramsInc

Arielle Ford

Arielle, ‘the fairy godmother of love,” was a first-time bride after 40, and the formula she used to manifest love became her best-selling book, The Soulmate Secret: Manifest the Love of Your Life with the Law of Attraction. Arielle also helps married women to turn their current mate into their soulmate in her latest book, Wabi Sabi Love, which shows you how to embrace your own and your lover’s imperfections.

Website: www.arielleford.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/arielleford

The Drawbacks of Being a Female Breadwinner

Yahoo!Finance covers When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women, featuring an article by me and a video featuring some confessions of real breadwinning women.

When my husband and I wed in 2012, we knowingly exposed our marriage to potential complexities based simply on the fact that I brought home a bigger paycheck. I had recently started researching my new book, “When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women,” and discovered some sobering statistics unique to relationships with this increasingly common financial dynamic. Today, 24% of wives earn more than their husbands, four times greater than in the 1960s, according to Pew.

I didn’t discover all bad news, but the heap of negative data was evidence enough that we were desperate for a much better, far more creative roadmap to support these modern relationships (mine included). Before we can wholly celebrate women’s financial and professional ascent, we need to overcome the potential challenges she and her partner may face in their relationship when it comes to intimacy, finances, child rearing and “making it all work.”

For the rest, head over to Yahoo!Finance

When She Makes More: My Secret’s Out

Publishing a book called When She Makes More first required that I be 110% comfortable with my life as a female breadwinner. Happy to say the secret’s out and – after years of researching and reporting on this very personal reality – I’m more content than ever. Above is a little home video I just made to learn more about why I felt the need for this book.

Please support my campaign to help higher-earning wives – and the men who love them – thrive in their relationships. The book hits shelves on May 1, but if you pre-order now you can earn a number of freebies, including the chance to win tickets to the book launch event at Henri Bendel in New York, gifts from TaskRabbit, EverNote and Stella & Dot and a trip to the Today Show!

Just click here to learn more about the gifts and to enter your name for the drawings.

Female Breadwinners Renegotiate Relationships

Maria Shriver’s team at NBC recently interviewed me about my book, When She Makes More, 

You can check out an excerpt here. For the entire Q&A please visit NBC News.

Farnoosh Torabi is a financial expert, author and speaker, but she’s also a breadwinning woman, and in her new book, “When She Makes More: 10 Rules for Breadwinning Women,” Torabi uses her own experience, as well as a host of research, to explore how a woman’s paycheck can impact her dating life, relationships, and marriage.

Torabi’s data presents a pretty grim picture, showing female breadwinners are less likely to marry and are more likely to divorce if they do so. And while she did find couples who are navigating the dynamic with success, she also found breadwinning women who feel resentful of their partners and find themselves asking: What do I need you for?

Here, Torabi discusses the pull of primitive instincts when it comes to gender roles, the pressures men face when it comes to work-life balance, and why she felt the need to state her book is not about feminism. 

How has your husband handled your decision to talk about the fact that you’re the breadwinner?

He has been really supportive and throughout the process we have been very communicative. We did have some ground rules, not because I was trying to protect his ego, but because money is something that I feel very passionate about, but I also believe that some things are best kept private. We decided as a couple that we weren’t going to disclose things like our income. I don’t mention where he works. I was very sensitive to the fact that while I was writing what I thought was the reality of our life I wanted to make sure that it wasn’t just my interpretation of things either.

You have refereed a lot of heated dinner party conversations about female breadwinners. Why do people get so charged up about this issue?

Well, money, for both genders, is a very emotional topic. And then when you add to the topic this layer of gender complexity, and people coming at this idea of a woman earning more with such different ideas of whether it’s appropriate or not, or how they would feel about it, or how this dynamic can or can not work, or whether it’s healthy.

It all stems from the fact that we all come from various backgrounds culturally and also in terms of our upbringings. How we were introduced to money and our memories of financial events in our lives, all shapes how we relate to money.