Doug Ward's Blog, page 72
February 16, 2015
Ward's Words #182
Zombie apocalypse tip; I noticed while watching “The Walking Dead” that their hair is always a mess. Pack a comb for crying out loud. It weighs virtually nothing and fits almost anywhere. I don’t mean those big ole Goody combs we had in the late 70’s, that stuck way out of you're back pocket. I mean the basic “Fonzie” comb. Remember disaster survivors, first impressions mean a lot when meeting mutants, or cannibalistic wasteland dwellers. Put the right foot forward and comb that shaggy mop. The next person you meet could either be your crazed overlord or your captor/chef.
February 14, 2015
Ward's Words #180
Ward’s Words has come up with another spectacular medical break-thru. Prior to getting a colonoscopy there is no need for drinking a gallon of that chalky liquid. Just eat a couple of fiery hot buffalo wings about 6 hours prior to the test. If they don’t clean you out, nothing will.
February 13, 2015
Ward's Words #178
Milton Bradley is making a spin-off to its long-time, successful board game called "Life." The new game will be called "Death." The object of the game is to try to take it all with you.
February 12, 2015
Ward's Words #177
I never eat popcorn or peanuts at a bar. Think about it, you're in a place that causes people to have bad judgement as-well-as urinate frequently and you want to share finger food?
February 11, 2015
Ward's Words #175
If I had a time machine I’d build a robot and send it back in time to kill James Cameron before he could make those repetitive Terminator movies.
February 10, 2015
Ward's Words #172
They’re making another Terminator movie? Let me guess the plot. An indestructible robot from the future is going to try to kill someone. Couldn’t see that one coming…
February 9, 2015
Ward's Words #171
While shoveling snow today my neighbor said, "I hate shoveling wet snow." I waited a minute for him to think about it, then replied, "Snow is frozen water. How can one form of water be wetter than another."
February 8, 2015
Ward's Words #168
While trolling eBay yesterday I saw a listing for the One Ring. That's right, Isildur's Bane. There were hundreds of them. You could see the elvish runes inside them and everything. I'm going to have to lug a bushel basket of those things back to Mount Doom to dispose of them all. You'd think eBay would have a policy against selling weapons of mass destruction.
February 7, 2015
Ward's Words #166
I mistakenly brushed my teeth with Rogaine. Now, I have to shave my gums. I feel like a whale straining my food through baleen every time I eat.
February 6, 2015
Ward's Laws #165
I was asked recently if I was afraid of demons… I just laughed and answered, “My wife just went through menopause, a demon would be a walk in the park.”
