Doug Ward's Blog, page 67

Ward's Words #289

My wife is so thoughtful, she signed me up for the Mars mission.  She knows how much I love science and even though I may never come back… HEY!  Wait a minute!!!  That’s why you moved all my stuff into the basement.

Ward's Words #287

I was just thinking about the movie Star Wars.  The Empire’s plan was to put all their eggs (troops) in one basket (Death Star) and they thought that was a good idea.  Sure, one mega explosion and they lose everything.  What kind of idiot commanders did the Empire have?  They lost all tactical advantages like, let’s surround them and we’ll get them in a crossfire.  I also like how ponderously slow the whole thing turns.  They only had one big gun?  It’s the size of a planet and only one gun?  That’s no way to dominate a star system boys.  I’ll bet General Ackbar was secretly laughing at Darth Vader at some point.

Ward's Words #285

If you've recently had a dog pass away, come down to Ken's Coffins and Cookouts (a subsidiary of Ward's Words) where we specialize in immortalizing your pets lasting memories.  A little barbecue sauce and Spot will stay with you for at lease the next 24 to 48 hours. And if you have a septic tank, then you could say the road to the underworld runs literally right through you.

Ward's Words #283

I started wearing a new cologne.  It’s one of those that has pheromones in it.  It’s not working with women, but the neighborhood dogs seem to like it.

Ward's Words #282

I can’t believe it took the Wright brothers years to figure out flight.  I figured it out in about 3 minutes during study hall.  Unlike the wright brothers, I didn’t get accolades for my invention.  My paper plane got me a prime seat in detention.  Way to go Ambridge Area School District.  Stifle a young inquisitive mind instead of nurturing and fostering it’s growth.

Ward's Words #272

I’m pretty sure the silver jumpsuit is the clothing of the future.  If only someone could figure out a solution for how awkward jumpsuits are in the bathroom, I’d be onboard 100%.

Ward's Words #270

Irregular clothes fit me better than normal ones?

Ward's Words #267

I feel bad for my parents.  Growing up in a bleak, black & white world.  Everyone wearing the same darn clothes.  Men in a suit and greased back hair, while women wore those knee length dress, with white gloves and (once again) one of about three hair styles.  A colorless world of clones bumping about in the near dark.  I’m so glad they invented color when I was a kid.

Ward's Words #266

Being an artist is better than being a chef. Sure, visiting a friend and seeing the tacky art he or she decorates with makes me wince. But if I was a great chef… I’d have to get their food past my refined palate and try not to gag.

Ward's Words #264

I like vacationing in Arkansas.  I feel like a vulcan, science officer observing primitive life forms.