Doug Ward's Blog, page 51

Ward's Words #601

I recently watched the Man V’s Food where he was in Pittsburgh.  Seriously?  We sent him to Quaker Steak and Lube and Primate’s?  Quaker Steak, where they have little dried-up wing dings.  Ok, they do have a lot of sauces but you have to admit those wing dings are embarrassing.  There are a lot of Wing places that have much better sauces as well as WHOLE WINGS!  And Primate’s…  Their small sized sandwiches totally lack flavor.  Coleslaw is not just cabbage and vinegar and fries on a sandwich is not original.  Heck, Sammy Thompson used to crush potato chips on his sandwich in 1st grade.  Was Sam a brilliant sandwich designer?  No!  I wind up picking them off most of the time anyways, so I don’t see the big deal.  We could’ve sent him to some of our fantastic eateries…  unique diners…  but we sent him to chain restaurants instead.  So embarrassing.  

Ward's Words #600

When I was young my bowels would be lulled by the gentile rocking and swaying of a nice car ride.  One time on a date I felt the pressing urge to let one rip.  I would’ve obliged myself if not for two things.  I was on a date with a really hot girl and she was actually willing to go on a date with me.  As we pulled into the parking spot at the movies I quickly told her to wait so I could open the door.  As my door closed I farted a long loud sounder.  Taking my time I strolled around the car waving my arm trying to cut off any stench that could possibly be following me.  As I reached inside the now open door I realized my mistake.  I was offering her the hand I’d been waving behind me.  My beautiful date wrinkled her nose in disgust and I knew with utmost certainty that this would be our first and last date so I did what any jilted suitor would do.  I took her to see “Ernest goes to Jail” and laughed obnoxiously the whole flick. 

Ward's Words #598

Boy, the Geek Squad guys get mad when you call them Poindexter. I guess my mistake was confusing them with nerds. Maybe next time I'll try Lewis or Booger and hopefully I won’t suffer their revenge. 

Ward's Words #596

You know you're a redneck when you get mad at a 6 year old for not being able to hold his liquor.

Ward's Words #594

I tried one of those magnetic bracelets that are supposed to take away pain.  It drew all my iron to that spot and I nearly had a stroke.  So much for relieving pain…

Ward's Words #592

While at drug stores, I like drinking out of the pharmacies water fountain. Just the thought of all those exotic diseases sipping from that spout makes me want to swoon. 

Ward's Words #590

The fine people at Ward’s Words have abandoned their new timekeeping device.  It was called the times table but we felt it didn’t add up?

Ward's Words #587

Why, when something hurts, do we constantly want to touch it. 

Ward's Words #585

I like to ask people I associate with if, in an emergency, they would eat a human being. It allows me to keep potential cannibals at arms distance. 

Ward's Words #583

The first silk top hat in England is credited to George Dunnage.  Nice name George, did you think men would put it on their bottom if you didn’t add some type of directions in the name.