Doug Ward's Blog, page 46

Ward's Words #700

From now on I’m calling my poop, fecal matter.  Sure, it’s the same thing, but I think it makes me sound like I’m a physicist working at CERN or something.  

Ward's Words #698

While researching my family’s crest I was disappointed to find two distinct symbols prominently emblazoned on the shield.  A can of Spam and a hamster.  What kind of twisted Monte Pythonesque family did I descend from?

Ward's Words #697

If you've ever experienced one of those links that take you to a video, that then strings you along for ten minutes without telling you the information you were waiting for. We should all line up the people responsible for waisting our time and have a turn punching them in the throat. 

Ward's Words #694

I love when the snow melts away revealing the hidden jewels left behind by my dogs excrement. It's a veritable poop fiesta maybe we could make a holiday out of it.  All Scoopers Day.  

Ward's Words #692

Satellites, radar, instant communication, and yet the weather forecasters still can't figure out an accurate prediction until it's happening. Maybe we should take the prefix fore out of their names. Fore meaning before. And change it to present. They could be present casters. 

Ward's Words #690

Wiping your bum is such a guessing game. Did ya get it all?  Was my finger poking through?  That's why the good people at Ward's Words invented the rear view mirror. 

Ward's Words #688

I need to get rid of HGTV.  I’ve gutted the house and now… Aww Crap!!!

Ward's Words #687

I remember my mom setting up play dates for me with the Dahmer family just down the street.  All I remember is that he was really bitey. 

Ward's Words #685

Juan Sánchez Villa-Lobos Ramírez is the Obi Wan of the highlander series.

Ward's Words #682

Ok, I guess having a semi-dry basement doesn’t mean I have a Bed-&-Breakfast.  “Get back down there!  The Pop Tarts are almost done!!!”