Doug Ward's Blog, page 44

Ward's Words #741

Just when I figure out the perfect place to wedge a pack of matches so my 8 Track will play right, BAM, cassette tapes steal the market.  Wonder where you put the matches in an MP3?

Ward's Words #739

So, I’m down at the courthouse just browsing around when someone asks if she can help me.  I innocently ask where I file for a license to kill?  The next thing I know I’m paying another visit to Homeland Security.  

Ward's Words #737

Gummy Bears are so cute it’s almost possible to forget they’re made of boiled bones, skins and tendons of animals. 

Ward's Words #734

Isn’t it sweet how drug companies use cute little mascots, like a spleen to entice you to buy their products.  Hey, if my pancreas wants me to take your drugs I’ll do it.  Who cares if it causes 13 deadly side-effects and monsteritis, I don’t care.  These hangnails are driving me nuts.  I’d do anything to get rid of them.

Ward's Words #732

Tonight is Earth Hour. People around the world will be turning their lights off at 8:30 for one hour to show their awareness of climate change.  Luckily (or sadly) my wife and I will probably already be in bed. Man, are we old. 

Ward's Words #730

Some guy threatened me saying, he was gonna bust a cap in my head.  I wasn’t scared.  Caps were the 1960’s equivalent of blanks.  We used to hit them with hammers for crying out loud!  He would’ve done better throwing snap pops at me.

Ward's Words #729

The subway station reminded me of a modern kitchen. You know, with all that subway tile in it.

Ward's Words #726

I don't like a well insulated house. It muffles my screams for help when a serial killer comes a knocking. 

Ward's Words #725

When I was young I went to school to be an orthopedic surgeon. I dropped out when I learned it was hard to get your foot in the door. 

Ward's Words #722

I couldn't live with the actress who plays Carole on the Walking Dead. The first time she casually says, "Look at the flowers," I'd be so out of there.