Doug Ward's Blog, page 41

Ward's Words #801

Willard F. Libby would’ve been a big hit on The Dating Game.  I can hear the sound of Googling fingers even now.

Ward's Words #800

If I had a friend who starred in a hemorrhoid cream commercial, every time I saw him I’d fake a concerned look on my face and say “So, how are those pesky hemorrhoids?”  

Ward's Words #798

Who would've thought clouds could hold all of our personal data and a complete rain shower to boot. 

Ward's Words #796

Pepper spray tastes terrible on tacos.  

Ward's Words #794

I hate this politically correct world. Candles that don't blow out are funny.  

Ward's Words #791

In an attempt to expand the ever changing snack food market, the fine people at Ward’s Words are about to release “Endangered Animal Crackers.”  Eat your Black Rhino cracker like it’s the last one you’ll ever have.

Ward's Words #790

My mom has perfect pitch. She doesn't sing so it only occurs when she's yelling at me but it's really nice.  

Ward's Words #786

If only having one eye makes a person lack of depth perception, what if we had a third eye?  I’ll bet we could see through walls.

Ward's Words #784

I decided what I’m going to be during the upcoming zombie apocalypse.  I’m going to be a fashion designer.  Someone has to replace those tattered and frayed rags.  Missing shoes or shirts will be matched with a fashionable replacement.  Although my clients might be a little bitey, I’m sure I can change that blood encrusted look for more stylish apocalyptic future.

Ward's Words #782

I could never dated a girl with only one “i” in her name.  I’d always picture her as the grammatical equivalent of a cyclops.