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Justin Halpern quotes (showing 1-30 of 142)

“The worst thing you can be is a liar. . . . Okay, fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but then number two is liar. Nazi one, liar two.”
Justin Halpern
“You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again when your bullshit dies out over someone else's house.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested.”
Justin Halpern
“On Lego's

"Listen, I don't want to stifle your creativity, but that thing you built there, it looks a pile of shit.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and just ain't spitting it out.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“I don't give a shit how it happened, the window is broken... Wait, why is there syrup everywhere? Okay, you know what? Now I give a shit how it happened, Let's hear it.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“Sometimes life leaves a hundred-dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later it's because it fucked you.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“Your penis betrayed you, son. Made you think stupid. It won't be the last time that happens.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“If you work hard and study hard. And you fuck up. That's okay. If you fuck up and you fuck up, then you're a fuckup”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“Don't touch that knife. YOU never need to be holding a knife... I don't give a shit, learn how to butter stuff with a spoon”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“You worry too much. Eat some bacon...what? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“You're ten years old now, you have to take a shower every day...I don't give a shit if you hate it. People hate smelly fuckers. I will not have a smelly fucker for a son.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“Why would you throw a ball in someone's face?...Huh. That's a pretty good reason. Well, I can't do much about your teacher being pissed, but me and you are good.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
tags: humor
“People are always trying to tell you how they feel. Some of them say it outright, and some of them, they tell you with their actions. And you have to listen. I don't know what will happen with your lady friend. I think she's a nice person, and I hope you get what you want. But do me a favor: Listen, and don't ignore what you hear.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“Do people your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“That woman was sexy. . . . Out of your league? Son, let women figure out why they won't screw you. Don't do it for them.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“I just want silence... Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
tags: humor
“No, you can't go getting mad at people because they're shitty. Life will get mad at them, don't worry..”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“There seem to be a lot of gay people there...Oh please, as if that's what I meant by that. Trust me, none of them would ever want to fuck you anyway. They're gay, not blind.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“Oh spare me, being stuck in your bedroom is not like prison. You don't have to worry about being gang-raped in your bedroom.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“On Asking to Have the Candy Passed to Me During Schindler’s List “What do you want — the candy? They’re throwing people in the fucking gas chamber, and you want a Skittles?”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumb shit. He knows how it works.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“You say you’re sick, huh? Well, it looks like you’ve come down with a case of bullshit.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“You're going to run into jerk-offs, but remember: It's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“On Telemarketer Phone Calls
“Hello?…Fuck you.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“My mind was quickly consumed with thoughts of my girlfriend and all the good times we had had, like one of those cheesy montages ni eighties movies, when the angsty protagonist envisions himself and his ex holding hands on the beach, feeding a small puppy, getting into some kind of zany wrestling match with whipped cream. I interrupted my cliché memories by saying aloud: "Ugh, I'm feeling pretty low about this whole thing."

"You just gotta try to put it out of your head," he said, folding the paper halfway down to look at me.

"I know, it's just hard. I mean, I still have stuff at her place. What am I going to do about that? I still have a TV...," I said.

"Fuck the TV. Leave the TV. Cut your ties."

"It's a fifteen-hundred-dollar TV," I insisted.

"Go get that fucking TV.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“Life is fucking long, especially if you're stupid.”
Justin Halpern, I Suck at Girls
“... human beings fear the unknown. So, whatever's freaking you out, grab it by the balls and say hello.”
Justin Halpern, I Suck at Girls
“On Being Afraid to Use the Elementary School Bathrooms to Defecate

“Son, you're complaining to the wrong man. I can shit anywhere, at any time. It's one of my finer qualities. Some might say my finest.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says
“You go ahead. I'd rather not be shot out of a tube into a pool filled with a bunch of nine-year-olds' urine.”
Justin Halpern, Sh*t My Dad Says

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